Gaebbi: reinstatement gone wrong?

[Gaebbi]

Update #10

I‘m still so incredibly miserable. I managed to not take anything other than olanzapine and fluoxetine but it‘s so hard for me. I‘m in a constant nightmare with no waking up. It‘s the worst in the morning. The olanzapine lets me sleep but when I awake it feels like now I‘m in the nightmare. My depression is off the roof and I can say that of all patients in the hospital I‘m the worst feeling. I‘m at the bottom. It can‘t go any deeper. But it can stay and I don‘t know how long I can take it. If I‘m planning a suicide, I will turn myself into the closed station. Hopefully that won‘t happen.

I‘m telling myself every second „nothing lasts forever“. It‘s the last three words from the last album of my all time favourite band. And when it all is over I will tattoo those words on my arm.

All is not lost. Nothing lasts forever.

 

I hope I have the strength to get through this time. The worst thing is that I know it will take a long time before I‘m getting better. I didn‘t have a window in the last 6 days, and how could I, with all the drug changing.

I just hope that the olanzapine will give me some relieve soon..

[Altostrata]

Yes, we know that olanzapine has serious side effects and you don't want to take it. But for now, it seems to help you sleep.

 

You will need to very gradually let your nervous system settle down with a consistent drug schedule. Then you will be better able to determine which symptoms are adverse drug effects and which are withdrawal symptoms.

 

1 hour ago, Gaebbi said:

My depression is off the roof and I can say that of all patients in the hospital I‘m the worst feeling.

 

This is impossible for you to know. We know you feel miserable, please refrain from dramatizing or exaggerating your situation, this affects your judgment and you will need to be calm and make decisions.

 

You are having adverse drug effects that, with time and patience, will gradually go away. You may even be able to go off the drugs completely. Does suicide make sense in that context?

 

If you truly are suicidal, you are in the right place. Unfortunately, we offer only Web peer support, we can't respond to emergencies. If you are truly in a crisis, you'll have to talk to the hospital staff. Please note if you do this, they probably will want to give you higher amounts of drugs, they cannot deal with existential or spiritual crisis.

 

[Gaebbi]

Alto, thank you. I‘m trying to not get crazy about my situation and I hope my psychotherapist can help me to accept it like it is.

 

I need you one more time now:

I‘ve noticed that since I‘m taking the olanzapine again I‘m having inspiratory depression, especially at night. I also noticed it when I took it earlier. I don‘t know if it will harm me, but it makes me scared. I will talk about it with my doctor tomorrow. I think it would be better for me to take a smaller dosage, like 2.5 mgs.

I know I shouldn‘t change anything, but after 3 days I‘m not at steady state and if I want to change I should do it now.

for the record: I was taking 12,5mgs on oktober 18th (was necessary to calm me down. I know it was a mistake!), and 5mgs oktober 19th and 20th.

Please tell me if that‘s ok or if it will destabilize me again.

thank you in advance!

[Gaebbi]

So, I spoke to the doctor again. He told me lowering my dosage would be risky, since 5mg is still a very small dosage. But I know that I don‘t want to live with those inspiratory problems for a long time. Right now I really don‘t know what to do, and I hope that someone in here has an answer.

 

I think that slowly I‘m getting better. Today my depression is not as severe as the last 5 days. What I also find interesting is, that my doc told me it‘s a common phenomenon that the second time you take the meds it takes a bit longer for them to fully work. Didn‘t know that.

the last 5 days were horrible for me. If the olanzapine gives me some relieve, I don‘t care that I‘ve got the next dependence.

 

If someone has a clue with which dosage I should continue, please tell me! I think I would be better with the 2.5mg dosage but I‘m not sure!

[Gaebbi]

I‘m sorry for all those questions. I‘m noticing that all my thoughts only spin around those meds, and it‘s hard for me to just accept my situation, stick to a plan and wait.

I told my doc I‘m a bit afraid of the respiratory depression and the weight gain and maybe I‘m better with just 2,5mgs, he told me he will think about it and talk to me later. My stomach tells me I would be better with this dosage. No matter what my doc will tell me, I will stick to the plan, I don‘t think that it really depends on 2,5 or 5mgs if I‘m feeling better soon. The only thing I need is time!

I will keep you updated about how I will continue. And I‘m sorry for being so irritating!

 

greetings!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

So, forget all my last messages. I will stick to 5mgs, no matter what happens. I need to stay at one dosage, I think I get it now. The next few weeks I will still be miserable, but even in the hardest times I have to tell myself, it will go over. It‘s just a wave. And I will heal!

sorry for wasting your time with my last messages, I would delete them if I could.

I will survive this sh*tty phase of my life and someday In a few years I will look back and think to myself that I‘m happy it‘s over.

many greetings

[Altostrata]

What do you mean by "respiratory depression"? Do you mean you have trouble breathing?

 

If so, that's a serious adverse effect, calling for a reduction in dosage. It could be 2.5mg is sufficient for your purposes.

[Gaebbi]

Hey Alto,

it‘s not trouble breathing. But I‘ve noticed the breaths I take are shorter and with less air. For a couple seconds I thought i stopped breathing. But if i ignore it it doesn‘t do any harm or whatsoever. I will stay at the 5mgs.

right now i have the worst derealisation I ever experienced, even much worse than in benzo withdrawal. It‘s going for 2 and a half hours now and I‘m panicking so much about it. Also I see objects coming nearer to me or being nearer to me than they are. But at least it covers my depression.. i guess.

I‘m staying strong! I know it will go over! There‘s no drug that can change what I‘m feeling right now, except maybe benzos, which I never ever will take again!

I hope it gets better soon..

[Altostrata]

That "derealization" is probably the effect of olanzapine. That is how the drug "works".

[Gaebbi]

No, sorry alto, it‘s clearly a wd symptom. In the time I took the olanzapine earlier I never experienced that symptom. It‘s the most intense dp/dr I‘ve ever felt and I feel like going insane or psychotic.

It‘s not only objects moving. It is dr/dp, but so intense that I feel like objects are moving. I really have to try hard to stay calm

[Gaebbi]

Update #11

I‘m not myself anymore. My feelings are so weird. I know it‘s all from withdrawal, but not knowing when I will be better makes this all so hard for me to stand. Right now I‘m lying in bed, crying, hoping to get at least a small window soon..

the olanzapine doesn‘t seem to work until now.. I‘m not more hungry than always and still feel like absolute sh*t. It‘s the last hope I have of something decreasing my wd symptoms. at least it helps me sleep.

I‘m so angry at all the doctors I ever went to, making everything worse than it was before. But being angry won‘t get me anywhere, I know. I have to get out of this never ending cycle, taking the same amount of medicine everyday and just wait.

 

Can anybody here give me some hope? Is it sure that I will get better anytime? While being in withdrawal it always feels like I‘m never going to recover, and I don‘t know if I will ever level out, since my knowledge isn‘t enough.

I‘m so much worrying because I had windows about 2 weeks ago and now since a week there wasn‘t a single second where I felt well, I feel like I‘m getting worse instead of better and that takes my hope.

Is it a sign of healing if my symptoms change day by day? Because they definitely do. Tuesday to sunday has been the worst depression I ever felt, yesterday at about 6pm the horrible wave of dr/dp and panic started, lasting until 2pm today, and now I again experience extreme derealisation, but different than yesterday, with more rage, feeling of not being myself and less panic..

I know that I‘m sounding like a little crying girl, and I hate that I‘m so vulnerable, but I can‘t change it.
Would be happy if anybody wrote anything, just to distract me. Going through this forum and writing something in my intruduction is one of the only things that‘s helping me through this hard time!

[Altostrata]

You've been changing drugs constantly. We'd expect changing symptom patterns from this. Withdrawal syndrome itself involves symptoms that wax, wane, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

Of course people pull through this, there wouldn't be any point to operating this Web site if people never recovered. We have many people who have recovered from worse polypharmacy -- but you have to stabilize on some kind of regular schedule first. During this process, rather than add worry to your misery, you would be helping yourself if you worked at staying as calm as possible. See

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

[Gaebbi]

Hey Alto,

sorry I didn‘t get your first paragraph. Were you meaning that I have normal withdrawal symptoms or my symptoms are there because I‘m changing so much and it‘s more the changing than the withdrawal that‘s the problem? Or both?

my symptoms definitely wax, wane and mutate. I will start with tracking them more precisely starting today (I‘ve been tracking for some weeks now but not that precisely).

 

I know that I will get drug free someday. I was just worrying that I‘m not able to stabilize with my current drug situation. If you tell me that I will stabilize for 100% anytime in the next months then this will take a huge ballast off me. I have constant fear that my brain won‘t balance itself out with all the drugs I‘m taking right now. And I know that those worries are also a wd symptom, and reading back all my posts, I would say that I‘m an extreme worrier.

I‘ve already read through every single one of the links you sent me. I gained very much knowledge in the last weeks!

 

My problems all started with panic attacks. I‘ve always been a very fearful person. I guess that‘s the reason why it‘s so hard for me to be sure I will heal. I‘m always worrying! I will see my psychotherapist again tomorrow (he gives me strength like no other person could) and ask him to talk to me about my constant worrying. He‘s the best psychotherapist I‘ve ever seen! It‘s sad I only see him twice a week

[Gaebbi]

Also thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me! I know how busy you are in here and I really appreciate that!

[Altostrata]

Your nervous system needs to settle down. Every time you make a drug change, it upsets your nervous system again. When you keep your drug schedule consistent, your nervous system will at least settle down to a recognizable pattern around it. If there are adverse effects of a drug, we would be able to see them in your daily symptom pattern.

 

When you panic or work yourself up, those negative emotions also upset your nervous system, hindering re-stabilization. We ask everyone here to work at staying calm, don't work against your nervous system settling down. The techniques you could learn to manage your symptoms will be valuable to you after you've recovered.

[Gaebbi]

Thank you Alto!

 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

When you panic or work yourself up, those negative emotions also upset your nervous system, hindering re-stabilization.

didn‘t know that. Seems like I really have to work on my emotions about all this. But you have to understand me, I‘m a young guy that had the best friends, the best hobby (BMX) and a great job, and now I‘m hospitalized and feel miserable and I don’t know when I will get my life back. It‘s pretty hard for me to accept my situation, but I promise you to work on it.

But in order to get my life back, I have to get at least a bit better. Right now it‘s nearly impossible for me to leave the hospital, even only for a small walk. But I will get there!
 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

When you keep your drug schedule consistent, your nervous system will at least settle down to a recognizable pattern around it. If there are adverse effects of a drug, we would be able to see them in your daily symptom pattern.

 

I think I understand now what you mean, at least a bit.

So, I need to let things settle down so my brain will adjust to the drugs I‘m taking now.

Right now I think I‘m experiencing a mixture from withdrawal from the lexapro and adverse effects of olanzapine and prozac, of course it‘s all a mess now. But it sounds like it can only get better now, as I stick to the plan.

 

I will keep you updated daily and more precisely.

thank you so much for your help, Alto!

 

Nothing lasts forever!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

next update coming in a few hours, this time I need help from you for other things:

My doc is willing to read and think of anything that I'll show him about withdrawal.

I already printed out "Phases of withdrawal" (https://npanth.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/phases-of-ssri-withdrawal/), some common withdrawal symptoms and "how psychiatric drugs remodel your brain".
I would like to also print out a story of one of the members, of course only with his / her acceptance.

So, if anyone here wants me to share his / her story, please tell me and send the story per pm or send me a link. Would really appreciate it!

Thanks in advance!

[Gaebbi]

Update #12

I‘m feeling very weird. My symptoms change about every hour and a few symptoms are there the hole day, going worse and better every hour.

I feel like there is still depression but the olanzapine tries to suppress it. Feels like a fight and I don‘t like it. I‘m smiling sometimes but I feel like I should cry, but can‘t.

I often have the feeling that my feelings don‘t belong to me and I‘m a completely different person. Also much depersonalisation and derealisation the last few days, but it feels way different than back when I was in benzo wd.

 

I‘ve told my psychotherapist about my worries and what I can do about them. We noticed that I‘m worrying way more about some stuff than other people (also outside of withdrawal), but it‘s not enough to be a generalised anxiety disorder. My „homework“ till friday is to not worry about my medicine and if everything is the right dosage, the right drug etc etc. I told him that the founder of this site told me I will be fine if I just wait, and so there‘s no reason for me to worry.

 

today I always tried to stay positive. It was very hard and sometimes I felt like it‘s not the right thing to do, but I guess I would have been much worse if I stayed in bed the whole day and cry about my situation. At least I managed not to flip out anymore and I made the best out of my situation that I could.

I went out the hospital with my best friend and went home for a few hours. I don‘t think I could have done anything better than that.

 

So far with today. The olanzapine still doesn‘t seem to work (I‘m still not hungry), so let‘s see what happens the next days

 

greetings to all of you!

[Gaebbi]

hey all,

Update #13

I‘m getting better. Or at least, I think so.

My symptoms are still severe but I found myself experiencing very small windows throughout the day. Of course I didn‘t feel completely symptom-free, but I was able to function like a normal human being for a few minutes.

 

last night I woke up with a terrible terror-attack. Still the same symptom I had when I arrived in the hospital. Like reality itself gets sucked out of my brain, a horrible feeling and there‘s no way of describing it.

 

During the day my symptoms changed from panic attacks (which I didn‘t have for ages), to Dp/Dr to a weird feeling like anything extremely worse has just happened and I feel like „oh no. That can‘t be true. This is so horrible“. Also very very weird to explain, but it‘s a strong and horrible feeling.

 

I made it through 6 days now with the same amount of drugs at the same time and am already feeling better. I‘m proud of myself and hope that I‘m functional in a few weeks.

 

I have an upcoming operation on November 12th with full anesthesia. I really don‘t want to change the date, because my torn ACL keeps me from riding BMX, and I know it would help me so much for all my psychiatric problems.

 

Do you think full anesthesia will be a problem and destabilize me more? The operation takes about 90 minutes I think, if you need to know. I don‘t know which anesthetic they‘ll give me, but I‘ll ask if needed.

 

thank you all and much greetings!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all

update #14

I‘m so much better!

Seems like the olanzapine does its job. I‘m so happy to be functional again a few hours a day!

I‘m still very anxious and have a feeling of terror and strong dp/dr, but I‘m so much better than I was a few days ago!

Today I had a window of about one hour and it makes me so happy to see that I‘m beginning to stabilize veeery slowly! Of course I know that it will still take a few months to stabilize completely, but my depression is gone and I‘m not suicidal anymore!

I really needed this. Even if there will be big waves again in the next days, i know now that I‘m beginning to stabilize and I can be sure that I‘m getting better, and that‘s so important to me!

I just hope that depression won‘t hit me again. I can deal with intense panic and fear, but not with depression.

 

Let‘s see what the following days will bring.

thanks to everyone and greetings!

ps: I still need an answer about my upcoming surgery / anesthesia 

[Altostrata]

Good to hear a consistent drug schedule is helping your nervous system settle.

 

On 10/23/2019 at 7:52 AM, Gaebbi said:

So, if anyone here wants me to share his / her story, please tell me and send the story per pm or send me a link. Would really appreciate it!

 

Gaebbi, please look around the Intro forum, make friends, and see if any of the accounts suit your purpose. Of course, we like the idea of educating doctors!

[Gaebbi]

Thanks Alto. That was a bit late but I already gave him enough to read and he was happy about it. He told me he‘ll read it this weekend, I‘ll tell you his opinion tomorrow after I have been seeing him.

 

So, update #15

I‘m getting better every single day. Of course very very slowly, but that is to be expected.

My symptoms change about every 2 hours and are getting less and less severe. The last two days it was mainly anhedonia, panic and weird perceptional changes, like everything seemed to be in 2D or like there is an invisible wall in front of my eyes. But it‘s manageable. I was out with some friends today and for a few minutes I was able to forget my symptoms completely because I was so distracted. This is huge for me!

Tomorrow I‘ll help my boss in the BMX shop I‘m working at with some decoration stuff. Of course only if I‘m able to, he understands my situation. It‘s crazy, a few days ago all I could do was lying in bed and crying, being totally desperate and now I can partly live a normal life!

So, if there‘s not going on much in the next days I will update every week from now on instead of every day. Makes more sense to me.

 

thanks to everyone in here!

Greetings!

[Gaebbi]

So, I spoke to the doctor again today!

He read everything I gave him and told me that it could be that all my symptoms are withdrawal symptoms. He said it’s really hard for him to tell which symptoms are withdrawal and which symptoms are from relapse, or if there is an relapse. He agreed that all I need now is time, psychotherapy and the same amount of drugs everyday.

He also agreed to taper the drugs I‘m taking now extremely slowly as soon as I have been stable for some months. 

Well, it doesn‘t help me to get better right now, but I‘m happy that he took his time and really tried to understand my problem! He also told me that he will visit this web site when he has the time and read through some stories / articles.

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey, it's time for update #16

after my last posting the next few days were a bit worse than before. But yesterday and the day before were great! Only small waves here and there, but nothing too bad. I felt alive again and that gave me so much strength to carry on! Sadly today I'm Having a big wave again with much anhedonia and terror, but I know now that I AM HEALING, and the waves will pass by time!
Yesterday was one of the most important days in the year for me, there was a BMX Contest in my hometown where I was evolved in nearly everything, and I was so happy that I was experiencing a window that day!

 

The only thing I'm a bit worried about is my upcoming operation on November 12th. Not because of the operation, but because of the anesthetics they'll give me. I already told them that in no way I will take any benzos before (usually you recieve midazolam to be calm right before the operation).
I really hope that it won't destabilize me much again.

Please, if anybody knows if it will really harm me, tell me. I can change the operation to a later date if it's really really necessary! Or  I can ask if it's possible that I'm only taking local anesthetics.

So far with this week. Next update coming next Sunday!

[Gaebbi]

Hey, a small new update for today:

Today is the last day that I‘m staying in hospital. Of course I still experience waves, but I‘m able to live my normal life again for about 80%. And I‘m feeling better being at home instead of the hospital!

 

So for the future, my plan is to switch to the liquid form of olanzapine in the next days, then wait until I have been symptom free for a month, then start tapering 10% every four weeks. Then see how that works for me.

I know that one should taper the more activating drug first, but since I‘m so hungry because of the olanzapine I really want to taper this first!

But I‘ll get in touch with you about that later, I still will need some weeks / months to stabilize first. And I don‘t have to hurry up, I know where this would take me.

So far with today. Greetings to all of you, and still, if anybody knows how the anesthetics I‘ll receive at my operation next week will affect me, please tell me.

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

So, just another question now..

I'm getting better mentally, but my hunger is getting higher everyday because of the olanzapine. I already gained 2kg in the last 2 weeks.

That's hard for me. I had a hard time in the past where I managed to lose 25kgs, and I already gained much of it back since I can't do sports until my knee is healed in about 6 months.

So, short question. Is there anything I can do against the weight gain? Or better, against the hunger? If I really want to get fed up through the day I have to eat about 4000 calories.

Because of my past I know that losing weight can only work when eating less calories than I'm burning, but that's nearly impossible for me right now.

Are there any supplements that can help? Or any medicine that is safe to take and doesn't interfere with my brain chemistry? well, I know that smoking again would help, but don't worry, that time is over!

And is there anybody in here that can tell my at which dosage of olanzapine the hunger starts to decrease? 

Thanks in advance!

 

[Altostrata]

Gaebbi, what drugs are you taking now, at what times of day and what dosages? Please update your signature.

 

If you don't absolutely need an knee operation right now, I would postpone it. You're only just starting to stabilize on a hefty drug cocktail and you want to reduce olanzapine at the same time you'd be recovering from the operation. That is a clear recipe for more drug-induced problems.

 

I would schedule the operation when you've minimized your olanzapine dosage. Side effects of olanzapine should reduce as you reduce the dosage. No one can predict when you won't be hungry any more from it. It is a well-known highly risky drug that not only causes overeating and weight gain but diabetes.

 

You will need to taper olanzapine slowly. If you go off too fast, you'll get bad symptoms and put yourself back in the hospital. See Tips for tapering off olanzapine (Zyprexa)

 

All of the psychiatric drugs need to be carefully tapered, or you risk getting withdrawal symptoms again. On the other hand, you seem to like the hospital, so maybe you won't mind a career as a psychiatric patient.

[Gaebbi]

Hey Alto,

I‘m taking Fluoxetine 10mg at 9 in the morning and 5mg olanzapine at 10 in the evening. For 2 and a half weeks now, and I haven‘t taken any other medicine since!

 

I know of course that I have to taper slowly. I never want to be in the same state as I was few weeks ago again, that was pure hell.

I want to start tapering the olanzapine when I‘m stable. And I don‘t think that I will be stabilized in less then two months! And until then my knee will be good enough to start doing some light sports again.

I wasn’t able to do sports for over a year now because of my damaged knee, that‘s why I really don‘t want to postpone the operation. Doing sports, especially riding BMX would help me so much in my withdrawals!

After the operation it‘s just a week of walking with crutches. After about 3-4 weeks I can go back to work.

 

I don‘t really know what you mean with „drug induced problems“ at this point.

 

So my plan would be as followed: I‘ll call the doctor if it‘s possible to get local anesthesia instead of full anesthesia, so that the drugs won‘t interfere with my brain chemistry. I‘ll take the fluoxetine and olanzapine as long as I‘m stable and only start tapering as I‘m stabilized and am able to do some light sports again.

 

Please tell me what you think of this, I‘m really appreciating your opinion!

[Gaebbi]

So I talked to the doc. Sadly it's not possible to only get local anesthetics. I'll get some opioids with a very short halftime for the pain and propofol for full anesthesia.

[Gaebbi]

Update #17

the last 5 days have been good. I‘m rating my symptoms in severity at the end of the day, and mostly it was a 3-4 out of 10 rating.

Sadly today it‘s a 7/10. I‘m suffering mainly Anhedonia and a feeling of terror. It‘s hell again! I really hope it will go away soon. The last days I was able to go to work again, but today I wouldn‘t have been.

I still don‘t know if I should postpone my operation. Normally I would, but a fixed knee is a really high priority for me.

 

Alto, do you know if the drugs they‘ll give me will destabilize me more than I already am?

it‘s opioids for the pain (only during the operation) and propofol for anesthesia. Also cefazolin (antibiotics) for prophylaxis. I won‘t get any benzos! The operation will take about 90 minutes.

 

Thank you very much and much greetings!

[Altostrata]

On 11/6/2019 at 6:20 PM, Altostrata said:

If you don't absolutely need an knee operation right now, I would postpone it. You're only just starting to stabilize on a hefty drug cocktail and you want to reduce olanzapine at the same time you'd be recovering from the operation. That is a clear recipe for more drug-induced problems.

 

Having this operation and taking drugs in connection with it increase the risk of further nervous system destabilization. Decision is up to you.

[Gaebbi]

thanks Alto!
Well, seems like i have to outweigh the risks vs the benefits.

My gut instinct tells me to postpone it. My mind isn‘t sure what’s best.

I don‘t know yet. I will tell you how I‘ve decided on monday. Thanks for your help

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

operation will be in about 12 hours. I didn‘t postpone it. It takes my knee about 4 months till I can ride bmx again and I want it so badly, that I have to do this step now. I don‘t want to wait for another few months.

I may be feeling worse for a few days but I just hope it won‘t be too bad. Please wish me luck!

 

Greetings!

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

operation went very well!

the doc gave me a dosage of all the drugs as small as possible. I felt like a little panic for a few hours after the operation but it went away already and I‘m in a window since then. Let‘s see what the next days will bring.

Will keep you updated!

greetings!

[Gaebbi]

Hey, time for update #18

I don‘t know if the operation destabilized me more. I was feeling worse starting around 2 days before my operation, and for about 5 days now I‘m experiencing strong anhedonia and mild depression. Also weird thoughts about my life, about death and so on.. what‘s my sense in life? What comes after death? Why don‘t I just die when I can‘t feel joy? I really have to tell myself that it‘s just withdrawal.

 

Honestly I don‘t think the operation did something to me, it‘s just another big wave I have to fight through.

and of course lying in bed and doing nothing else than watching youtube won‘t help me much, but I‘m able to walk again since today and will do more activities now.

I‘m pretty happy that the operation is over and I didn‘t postpone it. One more step to being healed!

I just hope that the big wave will end soon or at least my symptoms will change. Anhedonia and depression are one of the worst symptoms!

maybe I‘ll heal faster when I do some light sports again. I‘ll go to the fitness again next week.

 

so far with this week. Many greetings to you!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all.. I‘m sorry but I‘m so desperate again..

a bad wave started about 2 days before my operation. And since then it feels like I‘m getting worse everyday. Today I‘m feeling like I was when I was in the hospital and had really horrible waves. I thought they were over. They aren‘t.

I really don‘t know why it‘s so bad again and it doesn‘t seem to get better.

I don‘t feel the hunger anymore that the olanzapine gave me, and I feel as horrible as I was before taking it.

did the olanzapine stop working? Did my brain form itself around the drug and it doesn‘t help against my acute withdrawal symptoms anymore?

I don‘t think it is because of my operation. Like I said I started feeling worse 2 days before it. Also I needed very small amounts of the narcotics and only for a short time.

 

I know that there‘s nothing I can do right now except to wait. But it helps me to know why I‘m so miserable again, so that I know how I may feel in the future..

please help me!

gaebbi