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Gaebbi

Gaebbi: reinstatement gone wrong?

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Gaebbi

Update #10

I‘m still so incredibly miserable. I managed to not take anything other than olanzapine and fluoxetine but it‘s so hard for me. I‘m in a constant nightmare with no waking up. It‘s the worst in the morning. The olanzapine lets me sleep but when I awake it feels like now I‘m in the nightmare. My depression is off the roof and I can say that of all patients in the hospital I‘m the worst feeling. I‘m at the bottom. It can‘t go any deeper. But it can stay and I don‘t know how long I can take it. If I‘m planning a suicide, I will turn myself into the closed station. Hopefully that won‘t happen.

I‘m telling myself every second „nothing lasts forever“. It‘s the last three words from the last album of my all time favourite band. And when it all is over I will tattoo those words on my arm.


All is not lost. Nothing lasts forever.

 

I hope I have the strength to get through this time. The worst thing is that I know it will take a long time before I‘m getting better. I didn‘t have a window in the last 6 days, and how could I, with all the drug changing.

I just hope that the olanzapine will give me some relieve soon..

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Altostrata

Yes, we know that olanzapine has serious side effects and you don't want to take it. But for now, it seems to help you sleep.

 

You will need to very gradually let your nervous system settle down with a consistent drug schedule. Then you will be better able to determine which symptoms are adverse drug effects and which are withdrawal symptoms.

 

1 hour ago, Gaebbi said:

My depression is off the roof and I can say that of all patients in the hospital I‘m the worst feeling.

 

This is impossible for you to know. We know you feel miserable, please refrain from dramatizing or exaggerating your situation, this affects your judgment and you will need to be calm and make decisions.

 

You are having adverse drug effects that, with time and patience, will gradually go away. You may even be able to go off the drugs completely. Does suicide make sense in that context?

 

If you truly are suicidal, you are in the right place. Unfortunately, we offer only Web peer support, we can't respond to emergencies. If you are truly in a crisis, you'll have to talk to the hospital staff. Please note if you do this, they probably will want to give you higher amounts of drugs, they cannot deal with existential or spiritual crisis.

 

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Gaebbi

Alto, thank you. I‘m trying to not get crazy about my situation and I hope my psychotherapist can help me to accept it like it is.

 

I need you one more time now:

I‘ve noticed that since I‘m taking the olanzapine again I‘m having inspiratory depression, especially at night. I also noticed it when I took it earlier. I don‘t know if it will harm me, but it makes me scared. I will talk about it with my doctor tomorrow. I think it would be better for me to take a smaller dosage, like 2.5 mgs.

I know I shouldn‘t change anything, but after 3 days I‘m not at steady state and if I want to change I should do it now.

for the record: I was taking 12,5mgs on oktober 18th (was necessary to calm me down. I know it was a mistake!), and 5mgs oktober 19th and 20th.

Please tell me if that‘s ok or if it will destabilize me again.

thank you in advance!

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Gaebbi

So, I spoke to the doctor again. He told me lowering my dosage would be risky, since 5mg is still a very small dosage. But I know that I don‘t want to live with those inspiratory problems for a long time. Right now I really don‘t know what to do, and I hope that someone in here has an answer.

 

I think that slowly I‘m getting better. Today my depression is not as severe as the last 5 days. What I also find interesting is, that my doc told me it‘s a common phenomenon that the second time you take the meds it takes a bit longer for them to fully work. Didn‘t know that.

the last 5 days were horrible for me. If the olanzapine gives me some relieve, I don‘t care that I‘ve got the next dependence.

 

If someone has a clue with which dosage I should continue, please tell me! I think I would be better with the 2.5mg dosage but I‘m not sure!

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Gaebbi

I‘m sorry for all those questions. I‘m noticing that all my thoughts only spin around those meds, and it‘s hard for me to just accept my situation, stick to a plan and wait.

I told my doc I‘m a bit afraid of the respiratory depression and the weight gain and maybe I‘m better with just 2,5mgs, he told me he will think about it and talk to me later. My stomach tells me I would be better with this dosage. No matter what my doc will tell me, I will stick to the plan, I don‘t think that it really depends on 2,5 or 5mgs if I‘m feeling better soon. The only thing I need is time!

I will keep you updated about how I will continue. And I‘m sorry for being so irritating!

 

greetings!

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Gaebbi

Hey all,

So, forget all my last messages. I will stick to 5mgs, no matter what happens. I need to stay at one dosage, I think I get it now. The next few weeks I will still be miserable, but even in the hardest times I have to tell myself, it will go over. It‘s just a wave. And I will heal!

sorry for wasting your time with my last messages, I would delete them if I could.

I will survive this sh*tty phase of my life and someday In a few years I will look back and think to myself that I‘m happy it‘s over.

many greetings

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Altostrata

What do you mean by "respiratory depression"? Do you mean you have trouble breathing?

 

If so, that's a serious adverse effect, calling for a reduction in dosage. It could be 2.5mg is sufficient for your purposes.

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Gaebbi

Hey Alto,

it‘s not trouble breathing. But I‘ve noticed the breaths I take are shorter and with less air. For a couple seconds I thought i stopped breathing. But if i ignore it it doesn‘t do any harm or whatsoever. I will stay at the 5mgs.

right now i have the worst derealisation I ever experienced, even much worse than in benzo withdrawal. It‘s going for 2 and a half hours now and I‘m panicking so much about it. Also I see objects coming nearer to me or being nearer to me than they are. But at least it covers my depression.. i guess.

I‘m staying strong! I know it will go over! There‘s no drug that can change what I‘m feeling right now, except maybe benzos, which I never ever will take again!

I hope it gets better soon..

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Altostrata

That "derealization" is probably the effect of olanzapine. That is how the drug "works".

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Gaebbi

No, sorry alto, it‘s clearly a wd symptom. In the time I took the olanzapine earlier I never experienced that symptom. It‘s the most intense dp/dr I‘ve ever felt and I feel like going insane or psychotic.

It‘s not only objects moving. It is dr/dp, but so intense that I feel like objects are moving. I really have to try hard to stay calm

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Gaebbi

Update #11

I‘m not myself anymore. My feelings are so weird. I know it‘s all from withdrawal, but not knowing when I will be better makes this all so hard for me to stand. Right now I‘m lying in bed, crying, hoping to get at least a small window soon..

the olanzapine doesn‘t seem to work until now.. I‘m not more hungry than always and still feel like absolute sh*t. It‘s the last hope I have of something decreasing my wd symptoms. at least it helps me sleep.

I‘m so angry at all the doctors I ever went to, making everything worse than it was before. But being angry won‘t get me anywhere, I know. I have to get out of this never ending cycle, taking the same amount of medicine everyday and just wait.

 

Can anybody here give me some hope? Is it sure that I will get better anytime? While being in withdrawal it always feels like I‘m never going to recover, and I don‘t know if I will ever level out, since my knowledge isn‘t enough.

I‘m so much worrying because I had windows about 2 weeks ago and now since a week there wasn‘t a single second where I felt well, I feel like I‘m getting worse instead of better and that takes my hope.

Is it a sign of healing if my symptoms change day by day? Because they definitely do. Tuesday to sunday has been the worst depression I ever felt, yesterday at about 6pm the horrible wave of dr/dp and panic started, lasting until 2pm today, and now I again experience extreme derealisation, but different than yesterday, with more rage, feeling of not being myself and less panic..

I know that I‘m sounding like a little crying girl, and I hate that I‘m so vulnerable, but I can‘t change it.
Would be happy if anybody wrote anything, just to distract me. Going through this forum and writing something in my intruduction is one of the only things that‘s helping me through this hard time!

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Altostrata

You've been changing drugs constantly. We'd expect changing symptom patterns from this. Withdrawal syndrome itself involves symptoms that wax, wane, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

Of course people pull through this, there wouldn't be any point to operating this Web site if people never recovered. We have many people who have recovered from worse polypharmacy -- but you have to stabilize on some kind of regular schedule first. During this process, rather than add worry to your misery, you would be helping yourself if you worked at staying as calm as possible. See

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

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Gaebbi

Hey Alto,

sorry I didn‘t get your first paragraph. Were you meaning that I have normal withdrawal symptoms or my symptoms are there because I‘m changing so much and it‘s more the changing than the withdrawal that‘s the problem? Or both?

my symptoms definitely wax, wane and mutate. I will start with tracking them more precisely starting today (I‘ve been tracking for some weeks now but not that precisely).

 

I know that I will get drug free someday. I was just worrying that I‘m not able to stabilize with my current drug situation. If you tell me that I will stabilize for 100% anytime in the next months then this will take a huge ballast off me. I have constant fear that my brain won‘t balance itself out with all the drugs I‘m taking right now. And I know that those worries are also a wd symptom, and reading back all my posts, I would say that I‘m an extreme worrier.


I‘ve already read through every single one of the links you sent me. I gained very much knowledge in the last weeks!

 

My problems all started with panic attacks. I‘ve always been a very fearful person. I guess that‘s the reason why it‘s so hard for me to be sure I will heal. I‘m always worrying! I will see my psychotherapist again tomorrow (he gives me strength like no other person could) and ask him to talk to me about my constant worrying. He‘s the best psychotherapist I‘ve ever seen! It‘s sad I only see him twice a week

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Gaebbi

Also thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me! I know how busy you are in here and I really appreciate that!

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Altostrata

Your nervous system needs to settle down. Every time you make a drug change, it upsets your nervous system again. When you keep your drug schedule consistent, your nervous system will at least settle down to a recognizable pattern around it. If there are adverse effects of a drug, we would be able to see them in your daily symptom pattern.

 

When you panic or work yourself up, those negative emotions also upset your nervous system, hindering re-stabilization. We ask everyone here to work at staying calm, don't work against your nervous system settling down. The techniques you could learn to manage your symptoms will be valuable to you after you've recovered.

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Gaebbi

Thank you Alto!

 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

When you panic or work yourself up, those negative emotions also upset your nervous system, hindering re-stabilization.


didn‘t know that. Seems like I really have to work on my emotions about all this. But you have to understand me, I‘m a young guy that had the best friends, the best hobby (BMX) and a great job, and now I‘m hospitalized and feel miserable and I don’t know when I will get my life back. It‘s pretty hard for me to accept my situation, but I promise you to work on it.

But in order to get my life back, I have to get at least a bit better. Right now it‘s nearly impossible for me to leave the hospital, even only for a small walk. But I will get there!
 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

When you keep your drug schedule consistent, your nervous system will at least settle down to a recognizable pattern around it. If there are adverse effects of a drug, we would be able to see them in your daily symptom pattern.

 

I think I understand now what you mean, at least a bit.

So, I need to let things settle down so my brain will adjust to the drugs I‘m taking now.

Right now I think I‘m experiencing a mixture from withdrawal from the lexapro and adverse effects of olanzapine and prozac, of course it‘s all a mess now. But it sounds like it can only get better now, as I stick to the plan.

 

I will keep you updated daily and more precisely.

thank you so much for your help, Alto!

 

Nothing lasts forever!

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Gaebbi

Hey all,

next update coming in a few hours, this time I need help from you for other things:

My doc is willing to read and think of anything that I'll show him about withdrawal.

I already printed out "Phases of withdrawal" (https://npanth.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/phases-of-ssri-withdrawal/), some common withdrawal symptoms and "how psychiatric drugs remodel your brain".
I would like to also print out a story of one of the members, of course only with his / her acceptance.

So, if anyone here wants me to share his / her story, please tell me and send the story per pm or send me a link. Would really appreciate it!

Thanks in advance!

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Gaebbi

Update #12

I‘m feeling very weird. My symptoms change about every hour and a few symptoms are there the hole day, going worse and better every hour.

I feel like there is still depression but the olanzapine tries to suppress it. Feels like a fight and I don‘t like it. I‘m smiling sometimes but I feel like I should cry, but can‘t.

I often have the feeling that my feelings don‘t belong to me and I‘m a completely different person. Also much depersonalisation and derealisation the last few days, but it feels way different than back when I was in benzo wd.

 

I‘ve told my psychotherapist about my worries and what I can do about them. We noticed that I‘m worrying way more about some stuff than other people (also outside of withdrawal), but it‘s not enough to be a generalised anxiety disorder. My „homework“ till friday is to not worry about my medicine and if everything is the right dosage, the right drug etc etc. I told him that the founder of this site told me I will be fine if I just wait, and so there‘s no reason for me to worry.

 

today I always tried to stay positive. It was very hard and sometimes I felt like it‘s not the right thing to do, but I guess I would have been much worse if I stayed in bed the whole day and cry about my situation. At least I managed not to flip out anymore and I made the best out of my situation that I could.

I went out the hospital with my best friend and went home for a few hours. I don‘t think I could have done anything better than that.

 

So far with today. The olanzapine still doesn‘t seem to work (I‘m still not hungry), so let‘s see what happens the next days

 

greetings to all of you!

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