Gaebbi: reinstatement gone wrong?

[Gaebbi]

Please please help me

it has been 3 months now and I‘m suffering so incredibly. I see no progress. Absolutely nothing. Crying spells all the time. Horrible depression. It can‘t go on like this!

 

that can‘t be because of the surgery. I really can‘t imagine that! I know it triggers, but not THAT much and so long without progress!

 

The only thing I can imagine is, that it‘s from the cold turkey of escitalopram and I‘m really considering to switch back from fluoxetine to escitalopram. But I know that that‘s an incredible risk! Or to increase my fluoxetine dosage. I have no idea what to do, I‘m completely hopeless because I see no way out!

 

I started taking wellbutrin on january 30th and withdrew the 0.2mg escitalopram. but so far the wellbutrin does nothing. Don‘t know if it will.

 

I would wait if I could, but I just can‘t anymore. I need relieve! Please help if you can!

 

 

[pinciukas]

2 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

Please please help me

it has been 3 months now and I‘m suffering so incredibly. I see no progress. Absolutely nothing. Crying spells all the time. Horrible depression. It can‘t go on like this!

 

that can‘t be because of the surgery. I really can‘t imagine that! I know it triggers, but not THAT much and so long without progress!

 

The only thing I can imagine is, that it‘s from the cold turkey of escitalopram and I‘m really considering to switch back from fluoxetine to escitalopram. But I know that that‘s an incredible risk! Or to increase my fluoxetine dosage. I have no idea what to do, I‘m completely hopeless because I see no way out!

 

I started taking wellbutrin on january 30th and withdrew the 0.2mg escitalopram. but so far the wellbutrin does nothing. Don‘t know if it will.

 

I would wait if I could, but I just can‘t anymore. I need relieve! Please help if you can!

 

 

I you can't hold anymore maybe try consult psychiatrist? Those WD can be dangerous and people getting depressed and suicidal. 

So sorry that you suffering

[Gaebbi]

Pinciukas, I‘m already stationary in the psychiatric unit. I need to, can‘t live alone or at my parents anymore

[pinciukas]

1 hour ago, Gaebbi said:

Pinciukas, I‘m already stationary in the psychiatric unit. I need to, can‘t live alone or at my parents anymore

And what they suggesting? 

Yes I understand it is very difficult to live with all those symptoms. I had breakdown in December. Can't even work and go outside and still need to pay my rent and loans. But now I am better. Those WD symptoms really sucks

[Gaebbi]

They suggest sleep deprivation or ect.

I really think that it‘s even worse because I withdrew the 0.2mgs Escitalopram. I think it would be best to switch from 10mg fluoxetine to 5mg escitalopram.

please, I need help.. if nothing else helps I will do ect..

[pinciukas]

14 minutes ago, Gaebbi said:

They suggest sleep deprivation or ect.

I really think that it‘s even worse because I withdrew the 0.2mgs Escitalopram. I think it would be best to switch from 10mg fluoxetine to 5mg escitalopram.

please, I need help.. if nothing else helps I will do ect..

I can suggest because I'm not familiar with meds you are taking.

Maybe admins can give suggestion?

It is crazy that 0.2 mg can do something for you. There can be just a fillers and no active ingredient. Like 0.2 mg is to low to give bad WD.

[Gaebbi]

It is definitely not. Escitalopram is a powerful drug.

I‘m pretty sure that all my symptoms are there because the change from escitalopram to fluoxetine didn‘t work 5 months ago. That‘s why around 2 months later all hell broke loose.

maybe it would be beneficial to reinstate escitaloprame again.. at 0.5mg or something like that. I don‘t know. I think a complete switch would cause more problems and it would mean wd from fluoxetine..

I‘m so desperate.. please help me if you can!

[pinciukas]

5 minutes ago, Gaebbi said:

It is definitely not. Escitalopram is a powerful drug.

I‘m pretty sure that all my symptoms are there because the change from escitalopram to fluoxetine didn‘t work 5 months ago. That‘s why around 2 months later all hell broke loose.

maybe it would be beneficial to reinstate escitaloprame again.. at 0.5mg or something like that. I don‘t know. I think a complete switch would cause more problems and it would mean wd from fluoxetine..

I‘m so desperate.. please help me if you can!

I don’t know  There is a lot of possibilities tapering, staying on it, upping, switching really mess of options. You need to decide yourself what to do and what you can do. 

[Gaebbi]

Please, anybody? I can‘t do it anymore

[Junglechicken]

Hi Gaebbi,

 

Try to keep taking deep breaths.

 

One of the mods will be along shortly to help you, and they are brilliant!

 

You CAN do this, there are few things tougher to endure than WD; but we're still here putting one foot in front of the other, so its proof we can get through it together.

 

Hugs,

 

JC xx

[Gaebbi]

Thanks JC,

I‘m so done. I can only lie in bed, my heart is racing and my depression slowly kills me. I had to cry so often in the last days

I‘m 100% sure that is because I withdrew the 0.2mg escitalopram again.. it started getting worse a week after. And I‘m pretty sure that all my symptoms are because the doc switched me from escitalopram to fluoxetine. It didn‘t work. It was horrible, them somehow manageable because of added olanzapine, then it started getting incredibly horrible 2 months later. I can‘t imagine that it‘s because of my surgery. The symptoms are too strong. It must be withdrawal which wasn‘t compensated by fluoxetine.

But the question is if I can do something, the more I think about my possibilities, the more hopeless I get because I don‘t see a way out!

don‘t know if it‘s already too late to reinstate but I see this as the only option!

[Frogie]

44 minutes ago, Gaebbi said:

Thanks JC,

I‘m so done. I can only lie in bed, my heart is racing and my depression slowly kills me. I had to cry so often in the last days

I‘m 100% sure that is because I withdrew the 0.2mg escitalopram again.. it started getting worse a week after. And I‘m pretty sure that all my symptoms are because the doc switched me from escitalopram to fluoxetine. It didn‘t work. It was horrible, them somehow manageable because of added olanzapine, then it started getting incredibly horrible 2 months later. I can‘t imagine that it‘s because of my surgery. The symptoms are too strong. It must be withdrawal which wasn‘t compensated by fluoxetine.

But the question is if I can do something, the more I think about my possibilities, the more hopeless I get because I don‘t see a way out!

don‘t know if it‘s already too late to reinstate but I see this as the only option!

Like Junglechicken said, the moderators are very knowledgeable and can and will help you soon. 
 

Just hold tight. I went through the same thing, as I’m sure a lot of people on here did, although I didn’t change medications.  It’s very scary but you’re going to be in good hands.

 

Deep breaths and try to think happy thoughts😊

 

I’m rooting for you. If I can get through this anyone can. I cry a lot. It just means your emotions are healing from what I understand. But I’m not a moderator. They can explain it better.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Junglechicken]

38 minutes ago, Gaebbi said:

Thanks JC,

I‘m so done. I can only lie in bed, my heart is racing and my depression slowly kills me. I had to cry so often in the last days

I‘m 100% sure that is because I withdrew the 0.2mg escitalopram again.. it started getting worse a week after. And I‘m pretty sure that all my symptoms are because the doc switched me from escitalopram to fluoxetine. It didn‘t work. It was horrible, them somehow manageable because of added olanzapine, then it started getting incredibly horrible 2 months later. I can‘t imagine that it‘s because of my surgery. The symptoms are too strong. It must be withdrawal which wasn‘t compensated by fluoxetine.

But the question is if I can do something, the more I think about my possibilities, the more hopeless I get because I don‘t see a way out!

don‘t know if it‘s already too late to reinstate but I see this as the only option!

 

Many people on this forum have been, and still are in your situation Gaebbi (i.e poly drugging).

 

I don't have any personal experience with switching medications, although it was offered to me by my GP, and I refused.

 

However, I agree that your symptoms are highly likely due to the switch, which has upset your CNS.

 

One of the mods will have a better idea than me as to what would be the best move to help lessen your symptoms given your drug history.

 

I'm in a wave myself 19 months out from last dose.

 

Hugs,

JC xx

[Gaebbi]

Please, anybody

[Erell]

On 1/14/2020 at 9:20 AM, Gaebbi said:

I‘m getting better!!

Still far away from being normal but it gets constantly better for 5 days now.

I was able to go to work again yesterday!!

this is such a huge relief.. I know there will be some setbacks, but I‘m pretty sure that the worst is over!

 

Hi Gaebbi,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time.

 

I've already told you this, but I Will do it Again :

Gaebbi, you've made so many changes last months! Escitalopram, Prozac,olanzapine...And you're still trying To figure out what dose or molecule you should change.

Your CNS has litteraly no time to adjust and heal.

 

I know it can sounds hard, but I wanna speak frankly because I'm worried for you.

 

As mods already said, you really need To give enough time To your CNS To adapt and stabilize on the same dose of the same molécule.

 

I don't see how a new change could help you. Maybe a mod Will give you advices, but honestly I think the best option for you is To keep the same drug schedule for months, allowing your body To do his work.

And I wouldnt recommand ECT : your brain  need stability and rest, not new shocks.

 

I know how rough it must be right now, I don't judge you. And I wish I could help you more. 

You can go through this Gaebbi ❤

[Gaebbi]

No, I can‘t.

if there seems to be no way of changing the meds, I will try ect.

[Gaebbi]

It's been three months since my horrible depression started. Sometimes I notice small improvements, and sometimes the waves are even worse than they have been in the beginning.

While writing my last post it was again the worst day of my life. I know depression, but on this day it was unlike anything I've experienced before. I still don't know how I managed to survive this, but somehow I did. Luckily my fear of being dead is immense.

I'm trying not to change anything again in my medication.. in times when I'm feeling a little bit better I see that I have to take all meds constantly for many months until I'm better, but when I'm in a horrible wave I even contemplate ect because I'm so miserable. I really hope that I won't be that miserable again, I don't want to get ect, I know it will just fry my brain and possibly make everything worse than it already is.

I think the horrible wave on tuesday was because I withdrew the 0.2mgs Lexapro. But I'm happy that I'm off this drug.

It sucks that I went from 2mgs Escitalopram to 3 different meds in such a short time, and even am much worse than before. Of course that's my own fault, and also the doc's. The switch to Prozac in september was the dumbest thing ever, and I was dumb enough to believe my doc that it will help me.

 

I still don't get windows, but sometimes I can remember how my old life was feeling like. That wasn't possible few weeks ago. Or I do get windows and just don't notice that they are windows, since I'm still not doing well in my better times.

That's the hardest time in my life, not even my benzo withdrawal was near as horrible as what I have to go through now.

I'm really trying to stay positive.. to see the things that have improved instead of the symptoms that worsened.

I started lifting weights again, hopefully it will help speeding up my recovery a bit. Luckily it doesn't trigger waves. Also I'm eating much less, since I gained too much weight because of the olanzapine. I'm only eating vegetables and Protein, so I don't get hungry during the day. Already lost 4kgs. It helps a bit feeling lucky again.

 

I have to see the good in the bad. For example, it's winter so I don't miss anything spectacular in my life, and hopefully I will get better when the weather improves. Also I still can't ride my BMX because of my surgery, so it's not that horrible for me to be in the psychiatric unit instead of being home.

 

I think, as soon as the weather gets better and I can ride BMX again, my symptoms will improve faster. I'm young, doing sports, sleeping well (the only good thing about olanzapine) and am supplementing fish oil. I think those are pretty good factors for improving as fast as possible. I'm working on not dramatizing my situation and accepting it, and the psychotherapist in the hospital helps me doing so. At least she believes me that I'm in withdrawal and it's not a "normal" depression. I don't know if the docs also believe me, at least the chief doctor told me she knows that there are withdrawals from SSRIs, but it doesn't seem she knows how to treat it. They're not forcing any meds on me.
I will stay with the wellbutrin, it helps regulating my appetite.

 

Will update again in a few days or weeks, or if I need to know anything

greetings, and thanks to you all for being there for me!

[Gaebbi]

Today was incredibly hard.. first I went and tried to ride my bmx again and it felt good in the beginning.. then more and more my anhedonia and severe depression came back and riding my bike felt like torture to me. That let me down extremely since normally i love riding my bike. I can‘t even lie in bed and watch videos or something else because everything feels horrible, everything is a torture, I haven‘t felt joy for months now.

I‘ve noticed that intrusive thoughts got better in the last week.. at least a small minimal improvement, so I see that things go forward a bit.. but so so slowly.

as soon as I experience a window I will gain some strength, and I really hope it won‘t take long anymore..

 

[Cocopuffz17]

It will get better! You have a great attitude and that goes along way! I’m glad to hear that they aren’t forcing meds on you as so many try to. 
 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed!! 

[Gaebbi]

Small update

I withdrew the wellbutrin again, it doesn‘t help me in any way. Hopefully it won‘t destabilize me any further.

I told the docs in the hospital that I don‘t want to change anything anymore and don‘t want to do ect, so now they plan to dismiss me. Well, honestly I‘m not even sad about that.

I‘m already deep enough in this never ending spiral of prescriptions, I think it‘s time to stop this. Like you already told me months ago.

So far it‘s only become a bit better, and I still didn‘t have a single window. Seems like I will suffer for another few months sadly.

 

greetings.

[pinciukas]

In my opinion you changing your meds to often. I see in your signature that every few weeks you go up or down. Mostly drugs will only start to work in a 4 to 8 weeks. You don't give a time for your body to stabilise.

[Gaebbi]

pinciukas, you're absolutely right. But I'm pretty sure that the wellbutrin wouldn't have worked if I waited longer. It doesn't matter. I know that I'm changing too often, it was always in deepest desperation. I know that all I need is time with the same drug schedule for months, but when I'm so extremely desperate I want to try everything to feel better, that's the big problem that I have.

All I've gained from all the changing is that everything got worse.

I hate how everything got so much worse in the last 6 months, and I know that it's mostly my own fault (and the doctors').

It's time to turn the table.. and wait. just wait.

In retrospect I'm very happy that I didn't change anything in my fluoxetine or Olanzapine dosage, that would have been a disaster.

At least now I know that additional meds won't help me and there is no other way than just hanging on. Now it's either enduring or dying, and I want to stay with enduring.

[Gaebbi]

I'm getting better! after the extreme peak in symptoms 2 weeks ago, everyday got a bit better. Since then it's a baseline slowly increasing, without windows or waves. I hope it continues like this, but I'm pretty optimistic.

Can't wait to start my Zyprexa taper! I'm trying to lose weight, but it's pretty damn hard if you're hungry all the time. Duh.

[Erell]

That's great Gaebbi. Enjoy those easier times !

I would advise you To wait several months before starting a tapper, considering all the changes you've made.

 

Take care ❤

[Gaebbi]

Hey Erell,

my plan was to wait until I‘ve been symptom-free for a month. That will take a while! But I really need to gain stability, I think I wasn‘t stable anytime in the last 1.5 years and that‘s why I crashed so hard!

[Gaebbi]

My baseline still gets better.. there are still times that are worse than others, like now, but I keep being optimistic.

I still can‘t feel any joy in anything. Everything I do feels like torture, but I force myself to keep doing the things I used to like. Which is hard. But I know that lying in bed and starring at the wall will definitely slow down my healing.

 

It‘s not anhedonia, because I can still feel every negative emotion, and I can still feel love which is very important to me. I just can‘t feel joy or pleasure, or „normality“.

 

I read in the anhedonia threat that emotions are the last to come back. So I guess I just have to wait.

Most other symptoms got way better! I can tolerate coffee again which is huge for me, since I‘m absolutely loving coffee!

I was able to work today for 2 hours, even if I was feeling bad, and even stayed a bit longer and talked with my chief and a friend for a bit.

 

in hard times I try to remember how my window 3 months ago felt like. I felt so good, I wanted to live again. Even if it was short lived, I‘m very happy to have experienced this window, so I know what state I can reach even with the drugs I‘m taking!

 

will keep you updated. Greetings to everyone!

 

[Cocopuffz17]

Wooohooo! This is amazing to hear! The windows and waves pattern is so accurate. The last week was an amazing window for me and now a-bit of a wave. But I have had steady improvement of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. At times I feel better than I have ever in my life and know this will soon become the norm. Keep pushing you will get there !!!! 
 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

[Gaebbi]

The last few days I noticed the pattern of waves / windows bit more. A few days ago I experienced about 3 hours where my symptoms were much less severe. Not completely gone but definitely more easy to handle. Since then it has been another wave, with the peak of it being today (I think). It‘s pretty hard to fall back after being a bit better..

I‘m noticing improvements. Extremely slow and extremely small improvements, but they‘re present and I‘m giving my best to see the positive things.

I think I will be much better in 2-3 months. Let‘s see.

greetings.

[Gaebbi]

I‘m getting better every day

I think that my decision to go jogging everyday, go to the gym twice a week, dieting and supplementing omega 3 and curcumin helped me a lot in the past days / weeks.

today was pretty good. Symptom severity about 3-4/10. that‘s the best score since 4 months now.

I‘m so glad that I decided not to take ect or change anything in my fluoxetine / olanzapine dosage. Thanks to you all, without you I don‘t know what would have happened!! But probably I would be on 3-4 different meds in the high dosage range.
Still no clear window, but I think I‘ll reach some „normality“ in about two months, if my symptoms keep lifting like they did in the past 4 weeks.

 

I hope my next post will be as positive as this one.

greetings to all of you!

 

[Cocopuffz17]

5 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

I‘m getting better every day

I think that my decision to go jogging everyday, go to the gym twice a week, dieting and supplementing omega 3 and curcumin helped me a lot in the past days / weeks.

today was pretty good. Symptom severity about 3-4/10. that‘s the best score since 4 months now.

I‘m so glad that I decided not to take ect or change anything in my fluoxetine / olanzapine dosage. Thanks to you all, without you I don‘t know what would have happened!! But probably I would be on 3-4 different meds in the high dosage range.
Still no clear window, but I think I‘ll reach some „normality“ in about two months, if my symptoms keep lifting like they did in the past 4 weeks.

 

I hope my next post will be as positive as this one.

greetings to all of you!

 

That is great to hear!!! Keep it up! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed!! 

[Gaebbi]

Sometimes I hate myself for my naivety..

my nicotine craving got so incredibly strong (I guess because of the zyprexa) that I tried vaping again today. Not much surprise, I got the worst panic state since a pretty long time, still holding on 2 hours later. Also deep depression and crying spells. The f.. is wrong with my brain.. it was only with very little amount of nicotine.

but I‘ve noticed my other symptoms (mostly anhedonia, can‘t feel joy in anything) lifted a bit, which is strange. 
nevertheless, I won‘t touch this sh*t ever again.

[manymoretodays]

Sounds good  Gaebbi.  Sometimes we learn our lessons the tough way, unfortunately.

I'm still smoking a bit, tapering, lot's of HOLDING......and maybe off, who knows, through this "social distancing" period here in the U.S., due to the pandemic Covid19 and precautions.

We had a Earthquake too, on Wednesday, 5.7 on the scale, in my area.

 

Wowser!  Interesting times for sure.  Been so busy too.  Even with all the cancellations in my usual stuff.

 

To all of our health, peace, healing, Love, and growth,

mmt

 

Edited March 20, 2020 by manymoretodays

[Gaebbi]

You also will get off the cigarettes, I‘m pretty sure.. since you already came off so many medications!

yes, corona virus really is a strange thing.. here in bavaria in germany we are only allowed to go outside alone or with one family member, and only for a short walk or to go grocery shopping.

so no meeting with friends anymore, but I have to be honest, because of my withdrawal I always had the urge to go home when I met friends.. I hate it.. so the quarantine doesn‘t affect me very much.

 

Honestly I think it won‘t take too long before you Americans also get in quarantine.. let‘s see.

 

all the best to you! Stay healthy!

[Gaebbi]

Today it‘s been exactly 4 months since my depression started. I planned to write an update about how I‘m getting better everyday, how my baseline continues to get better, but the vaping yesterday threw me back a lot. I have the worst mood since a very long time, had to cry a bit and also panic attacks. Dumbest thing I‘ve ever done! I hope it won‘t take too long to subside again!

interestingly, it was shortly after I stopped smoking about 7-8 months ago, that my symptoms became so severe I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Guess it plays a huge role in my symptoms. Haven‘t thought of it this way before yesterday..

it‘s hard to know that after 6 months of stabilizing my brain is still so unstable that a bit of vaping can throw it off the cliff again. 

[Cocopuffz17]

7 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

Today it‘s been exactly 4 months since my depression started. I planned to write an update about how I‘m getting better everyday, how my baseline continues to get better, but the vaping yesterday threw me back a lot. I have the worst mood since a very long time, had to cry a bit and also panic attacks. Dumbest thing I‘ve ever done! I hope it won‘t take too long to subside again!

interestingly, it was shortly after I stopped smoking about 7-8 months ago, that my symptoms became so severe I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Guess it plays a huge role in my symptoms. Haven‘t thought of it this way before yesterday..

it‘s hard to know that after 6 months of stabilizing my brain is still so unstable that a bit of vaping can throw it off the cliff again. 

 

Yes, it is absolutely crazy how unstable the body can be from these meds. I notice the exact same thing for me with eating unhealthy foods. One meal can send me into a wave for a week or more. Least we know for next time. All the best on getting back to your window... it will come! 

[Gaebbi]

Well, I didn't have a window for 4 months now.. but I'm staying positive. The baseline is getting better with every day. There seems to be few people in here that don't have the typical window / wave pattern, but instead a slowly rising baseline. Guess I'm one of them, which is interesting, because earlier it was always the window / wave pattern. Weird thing this withdrawal.