Gaebbi: reinstatement gone wrong?

[Cocopuffz17]

11 minutes ago, Gaebbi said:

Well, I didn't have a window for 4 months now.. but I'm staying positive. The baseline is getting better with every day. There seems to be few people in here that don't have the typical window / wave pattern, but instead a slowly rising baseline. Guess I'm one of them, which is interesting, because earlier it was always the window / wave pattern. Weird thing this withdrawal.

Yes... Yes it is. I am a strong believer in nutrition being the driver in healthy lives. I find when I eat lectin rich foods I slide right back into a wave. 

 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed!!! 

[Gaebbi]

I'm pretty bad today.. I think I did well the last month with non-drug coping and just reassuring myself that I will heal. And I AM getting better, but so so slowly, and on some days like today I feel like I will be stuck in this forever. But there's one thing I really don't get, and that is, why I didn't get a single window for 4 months now.

I'm still asking myself if this all is because of my surgery on Nov 12th, or it is because of my change from 2mg escitalopram to 5mg fluoxetine + olanzapine.

Alto, if you read this, in case this is because of my surgery, is it normal that stabilization takes so long and I didn't have a window for so long?

I'm pretty sure it's not adverse effects from the drugs, since before my surgery I was so much better, and I was already on the same drugs back then.

Symptoms are mainly depressive feeling, no feeling of joy or pleasure in anything. Wouldn't call it anhedonia since I can still feel all other emotions.

Around 5 days after my depression started I had one single window where I felt completely normal. That was around 2 weeks after my surgery. Which seems so weird to me, because it was the only one.

[Gaebbi]

Suffering much the last week. Strong depression, it's hard to talk or eat. Distraction doesn't work since nothing gives me the feeling of joy.

Don't need advice, I know that I have to wait and maybe in a few weeks I will finally get a window.

For everybody reading this and planning to taper.. wait until you're stabilized before you attempt anything in this regard! The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that all my suffering now exists because I never fully stabilized unter Escitalopram, tapered nevertheless and after a year crashed very bad. I'm suffering much for about 8 months now and horribly for 4 months.

Definitely learned my lesson and won't taper again until I'm fully stabilized, which will still take many months.

At least I don't miss anything exciting in my life because of the quarantine. Let's see if I'm better when we're allowed to go outside again.

[Gaebbi]

Getting better again. Feels like I took a big step forward yesterday.

still very very far from being healed, but slowly I can see light again!

also my double vision varied much the last days. It goes from barely noticeable to very strong and then back again. Still don‘t know if it‘s a withdrawal symptom (probably since I didn‘t have double vision before) or something else. We‘ll see.

greetings!

 

[Gaebbi]

Feeling terrible again. I’m really trying to stay calm, but it has been nearly 5 months without a window now. Dysphoria and Anhedonia are there all the time. Sometimes also depression.

Some symptoms subsided, mostly weird thoughts that felt horrible. And I was able to go outside with friends a few days ago and it didn‘t feel too horrible.

but honestly I would have expected more healing after five months of feeling horrible and nearly 7 months of taking the same SSRI dosage. At least I would have expected some windows.

 

I‘m so happy when this is over.. seems like stabilization will take another few months. I want to taper those drugs down again so badly! They need to get out of my body!

 

[SurvivingOnAnime]

At times like this, just concern yourself with getting through the day.  You are making progress, even if it doesn't seem like it.  All the things you are experiencing will heal.  Speaking from my own experience, every time I feel just a bit worse, feeling like nothing will change, soon after my WD baseline increases.  It gets ever so slightly better.  It sucks not to get windows, but that doesn't mean you aren't healing.  We feel so terrible, not because we're getting worse, but because our brains are working hard to heal.  Don't listen to the doubts.  You've got this.

[Erell]

Hello dear Gaebbi, 

 

On 4/11/2020 at 9:47 PM, Gaebbi said:

I would have expected more healing after five months of feeling horrible and nearly 7 months of taking the same SSRI dosage. At least I would have expected some windows.

 

Even if you're taking the same Fluoxetine dosage since September, you've made changes since : Olanzapine, Escitalopram, anesthesia...

Everytime we make a change in our chemistry, stabilisation clock starts afresh. 

 

On 4/11/2020 at 9:47 PM, Gaebbi said:

 it has been nearly 5 months without a window now.

 

Waves and Windows are only a metaphor to illustrate the fact stabilisation pattern is all about ups and downs. 

A window doesn't necessarily mean that you'll feel great. It just means that you'll sometimes feel better, before another wave happens.

 

Trust me, I follow your thread, and you have had better times, I can feel it reading your posts. And these ups will come again

 

As you know, the only thing your CNS needs now is stability : no more changes in your chemistry, and your CNS will have time to make his healing work

 

Take care ❤️

Edited April 13, 2020 by Erell

[Gaebbi]

Yes I know, Erell and Surviving! Thanks for reminding me!

But you know, sometimes it‘s just too frustrating.

I‘m still tracking my progress where I rate my symptoms throughout the day on a scale of 0-10, where 10 means absolutely unbearable and 0 would be symptom free. You can see there is progress, even if it‘s pretty slow.

[Gaebbi]

Small update

even though I‘m highly irritated and my anhedonia is pretty strong, I see that I‘m making progress. A few days ago I had around 30 minuted where I felt quite relaxed and a bit happy. That was the first time in 5 months where I had a small break from being miserable.

Anhedonia is strong about 99% of the time, but sometimes there are short glimpses of feeling joy. Extremely short glimpses. But I guess it shows that healing is happening.

It probably will take another few months of stabilization before I‘m fine again.

 

[Gaebbi]

Hello @ all, I need some advice!

Being in 5 months now with strong anhedonia / dysphoria without a break, I‘m starting to ask myself if this not withdrawal or an effect of my general anesthesia on Nov 12th, but an adverse effect of zyprexa and if it would be better to slowly withdraw it. All my other symptoms (depression, dr/dp, panic) seem to be gone, it‘s just the complete absence of joy or pleasure. Sometimes some Irritation, too. That varies.

It is not emotional anesthesia! I can feel every feeling except joy, and am feeling bad throughout the whole day! I‘m even worse than I‘ve been during my benzo withdrawal.

I‘m not sure if it‘s an adverse effect since the anhedonia and depression started a month after I started Zyprexa, until then I was more or less fine. 

 

@Altostrata, I‘m sorry to bother you (I know how busy you are) but you might have an answer to this. Should I wait maybe for another 3-6 months (I know how unstable I have been and that 5 months isn’t that long for stabilizing given my current drug changes) and see if it gets better or should I slowly start to withdraw zyprexa?

Would really appreciate an answer! Thanks in advance!

[Altostrata]

Gaebbi, please read this topic from the beginning.

 

You've made many decisions to add and switch drugs. We cannot save you from yourself. Please confer with your doctors about possible adverse effects of your current drug cocktail. It's not my job to get you comfortable on your drugs, it's theirs.

[Gaebbi]

@Altostrata I want to get rid of the drugs. I thought that was clear from the beginning. I just wanted to know if it would be ok right now to taper again or if I should wait for another few months. I still don‘t know if what I‘m experiencing right know is withdrawal or adverse effects or something else!

[Altostrata]

Sorry, Gaebbi, I'm not going down this road with you again. Enough is enough.

[Gaebbi]

I don‘t see the problem in my question? In November you told me that my depression / anhedonia might be from the surgery and I might have to ride it out. You also told me it might be an adverse effect of Olanzapine and I might reduce it to 4.5mgs.

I tried to ride it out for 5 months now, and didn‘t have a window from my anhedonia and am suffering much without relief! I think that now asking wether I‘m still having withdrawal symptoms or if it’s rather an adverse effect is ok. At least to me it seems so. Not sure what re-reading my topic should have told me.

 

Seems like you won‘t answer my question, so I‘ll stick with trying to ride it out and hope to get better.

[Altostrata]

Please do not tag me under any circumstances.

[Rozon1]

Hey @Gaebbi I think you need to take a moment and relax. I’ve read your topic. I agree. I think sometimes our emotions over ride our common sense. I think you ARE withdrawing from Escitalopram. The way I look at it is like this. You reinstate at a low dose of the Escitalopram or you continue tapering. I, too, am withdrawing from effexor and almost everyday I feel like I can’t make it. I’m always at unease. I have little to no emotions. It sucks. Everything about this process is horrible. I’ve gone back and forth about reinstating. Even though I’ve improved slightly I’m possibly going to reinstate in a month if things don’t start to improve more. It’s a terrible journey, I know. But the source is the drug is the Escitalopram. I am almost 100% certain. 
 

you really need to decide what to do.