Atao: Mirtazapine CT and withdrawal

[Atao]

Hi jonnypeters 12345

Truthfully, I'm going through Hell, it seems to get harder each day. I just wish my life was over. I can't manage it anymore. Sorry for being so morbid, but I know it's never going to get better. It is gone on for so long now, I know my condition is permanent.

 

Thanks so much for asking.

Atoc

[bheb]

Hey Atao, I'm sorry to hear things are still so bad. I just reread your thread and it makes me so sad and angry, that you didn't get the future you were promised once cancer free. 

 

Are there certain times of the day you feel better (or at least not as awful)? 

[Atao]

Hi bheb 

Each day is totally unpredictable. It's never good, and could get really, really bad at anytime of day or night. Can't plan anything, isolating through no choice of my own. Can't keep talking to friends about the same thing over and over. Besides I'm very tired, physical health not good on top of it. The chemicals in my brain are messed up, and are never going to straighten out. I don't know what it's like in USA, but Dublin is such a small city, not a single doctor here to believe me. 

 

Thanks for reply

 

[bheb]

I understand the isolation. I still have some support but I can't really be honest with everyone all the time. Most of the time it's pretending or isolating; no one wants to hear how bad I feel...hell, I don't want to hear myself talk about it either sometimes. 

 

4 minutes ago, Atao said:

The chemicals in my brain are messed up, and are never going to straighten out

 

I know you've been suffering a long time, and you're probably tired of people telling you to keep hope. But, and you can ignore this suggestion, I would try entertaining hope. Like really practice it. Tell yourself once a day that you've gotten better before (six years ago I know) and you can do it again. Try practicing the belief that things will straighten out. There's a lot of evidence that positive thinking makes the brain healthy. 

 

I know I'm in no place to preach because I've only been suffering for two years (gosh, way too long still) but I understand feeling stuck. Like things have gone on so long that there's no way they'll let up. I struggle with accepting this and also keeping any kind of hope. But I try to "practice" it. 

 

12 minutes ago, Atao said:

I don't know what it's like in USA, but Dublin is such a small city, not a single doctor here to believe me.

 

My doctor was the one to diagnose me actually (with akathisia). I had no idea what was going on. This is quite rare though; even doctors in huge metro US cities deny the effects of these drugs. 

 

Also, I think you mentioned somewhere that you were older in age. I want to tell you that this happened to me when I was 20 years old. I'm starting to think that age doesn't matter so much. So I don't want you to think that you are are too old to have a chance. It seems that these drugs can be brutal to any person regardless of age. And there are people that get better after many years -- I've seen cases young and old.

[Atao]

You are so kind bheb and I really do appreciate it. I will of course try to follow your suggestions and have hope. I have written a book about what happened to me. I got a really great response to it from an agent, plus a few suggestions. So I am working on the final draft of it now and it is the only thing that has kept me going over the last few months. I expect it to be completed and published by the end of April and after that I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I wish you the very best of luck too. I hope my journey is not off putting for young people. I really do think I'm the exception. I believe a lot of people have it tough, but do eventually recover.

[bheb]

5 minutes ago, Atao said:

I have written a book about what happened to me. I got a really great response to it from an agent, plus a few suggestions. So I am working on the final draft of it now and it is the only thing that has kept me going over the last few months. I expect it to be completed and published by the end of April and after that I don't know what I'm going to do with myself

 

That's amazing! Congratulations on that, on just writing your experience. I would love to buy your book -- please PM me, if you're comfortable, when you have more info about where I could order online. 

[Atao]

5 minutes ago, bheb said:

 

That's amazing! Congratulations on that, on just writing your experience. I would love to buy your book -- please PM me, if you're comfortable, when you have more info about where I could order online. 

 

I would be only to happy to let you know when I get it out there. It is an out and out attack on the Big Pharma 

[Atao]

Hi bheb

I would be only to happy to let you know when I get it out there. It is an out and out attack on the Big Pharma 

[jonnypeters1234567]

Sorry to hear this. What are you symptons?

[Atao]

Hi jonnypeters12345

Symptoms very varied. Constant numbness and pins & needles in legs, ranging from bad to very severe. This then rises up through my body and head. I ofter feel like a teddy bear stuffed with cotton wool. But the worst part is the burning sensation all over. This burn mimics anxiety making me want to scream. I hope I'm not scaring people, I'm sure I'm an exception to the rule, and that most people get better eventually.

[jonnypeters1234567]

I have the constant burning too, I think it's immflamation. Do you follow anti immflamation you diet?

[Atao]

Hi jonnypeters1234567

My burning does not seem like an inflammation, it is through my nervous system. Is that how it is with you.

 

[jonnypeters1234567]

Yes all over my body, it's inflammation, I'm in tears from it

[Atao]

Sorry to hear that, but glad of the identification. What can I do about it? Any advice would be welcome.

[jonnypeters1234567]

What's your diet?

[Atao]

It's hard to say, I eat meat, cheese, cereal, fruit. I have been to a dietician so I eat well. What do you suggest

[jonnypeters1234567]

Anti immflamatory diet or the wahls protocool diet. The lady cured her Ms, which has similar traits to ours, with this diet.

 

Lots of water too.

 

good luck

[Atao]

I'll certainly give it a try. did it help you

[Atao]

I'm going through Hell. I haven't been on site in a long time. Windows and waves coming and going for a while now. My whole body is burning from the inside out. It is unbearable! I have not recovered from the damage of an antidepressant I stopped taking in 2006. A kind word would mean the world to me. Sorry if I'm sending a negative message.

 

 

 

Atao

[bheb]

23 hours ago, Atao said:

I'm going through Hell. I haven't been on site in a long time. Windows and waves coming and going for a while now. My whole body is burning from the inside out. It is unbearable! I have not recovered from the damage of an antidepressant I stopped taking in 2006. A kind word would mean the world to me. Sorry if I'm sending a negative message.

 

 

 

Atao

 

Hi Atao, I’m sorry to hear you’re still going through it. But glad you have windows at least — what are those like?

[Atao]

Hi bheb

 

Thanks for you reply

Things are so awful, I don't I can go on like this

[Atao]

Meant to say - I don't think I can go on like this

[bheb]

I’m sorry. That’s what runs through my head everyday. Complete shock at the level of horror, pain, discomfort. I never get used to it.

 

Yet I’m still here, and we keep going.

[Atao]

Thanks you so much for your reply bheb, it means the world to me. It's so tough. I wonder what I'm living for sometimes. There is absolutely no recognition of this condition in my part of the world. I'm not even sure if my friends believe that my problem stems from antidepressants. Whether they do or not I suppose in irrelevant, they can't help. It is a very lonely sickness.

 

 

Atao

[bheb]

No recognition in my part of the world either. Don’t think there’s really any place enlightened about this stuff. 
 

I actually do have doctors that believe me. But they can’t do much and don’t seem to see the urgency and crisis of it all — they see me as an anomaly. 
 

My friends believe me as well and support me the best I can, but don’t quite understand. I find the best way to stay in touch with people is to shut up about how I’m feeling for the most part and try to engage about more surface level matters. Indeed, it’s quite lonely. 
 

I spent the whole weekend bombarded with questions from family and family friends about future plans. If they truly empathized they would never dare to ask such insensitive things at a time of great suffering. No one does that to you with other “accepted” illnesses. 

[Atao]

I agree with everything you said. I tend to keep quiet about my suffering also, but sometimes it gets so bad, I just blurt it out. I get scared that it will become so bad I'll scream. I'm afraid of losing control, of losing my dignity. These thoughts don't help I know, but I can't help thinking them.

[bheb]

I know, I am sorry. 
 

When it’s at its worst, it’s pretty impossible to engage about anything else. We can’t be blamed for that. I hope you have people that will at least listen. 

[Atao]

Hi bheb 

 

Love having contact with you. Have had a few really bad few days. Didn't even open the laptop. Still not great. Worried and frightened.

 

[bheb]

On 12/3/2019 at 1:44 PM, Atao said:

Have had a few really bad few days. Didn't even open the laptop.

I’m sorry to hear this — what do you do on your bad days? To pass the time?

[Atao]

Hi bheb

 

When things are at their worse, it's like boiling oil going through my system. I feel as if my body is burning.  All I can do is shut myself off and try to hold it together.  Nothing takes my mind off it. I have got some serious physical brain damage going on here. Previous experience has taught me not to tell anyone when it's bad, except on a superficial level. I am either disbelieved or rejected that's my story. There is no point taking to counsellors, they are unaware of the problem and therefore, patronising.

[bheb]

That’s how I feel too. Burning itchiness under the skin — nerves on fire. 
 

No way to calm it or get used to it. I tried doing mindfulness therapy but yeah, they didn’t quite understand the nature of the sensation. My mind can be clear but my body is writhing in anguish. 

[Atao]

Don't mean to be morbid, but it has gone on so long now, it would be foolish for me to hope for a recovery. What a lost life. Having said that, there will be some good days I'm sure. Feel locked in to the symptoms at the moment. And when I add fear to my condition, it's impossible.

[smketdie]

Hello Atao  I know it might be absurd to say that but have you tried Any medication in those years ?

[Atao]

Hi smketdie 

 

No I haven't, I tend to keep away from medications. I don't trust doctors, I don't believe that they are intelligent enough to be handing out medication. But if you have something in mind, I would be more than happy to educate myself about it. Please don't hesitate to make a suggestion.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

 

 

[Henryk12]

On 12/9/2019 at 8:30 PM, bheb said:

That’s how I feel too. Burning itchiness under the skin — nerves on fire. 
 

No way to calm it or get used to it. I tried doing mindfulness therapy but yeah, they didn’t quite understand the nature of the sensation. My mind can be clear but my body is writhing in anguish. 

I have this too but your nerves are actually healing . You need change your mind and perspectives . Only then you can heal your brain and body..

[Atao]

Hello Henryk12

 

Not helpful

My brain is damaged as a result of taking dangerous antidepressants. I have done so much over the years to help myself. So, please believe me when I say that changing my outlook is not where the answer lies. In fact, your comment is something I would expect to hear from a doctor shifting the blame onto a patient.