Fighter33: quit cold turkey

[Fighter33]

Hi, 

 

i am 29 years old and going thru hellish WD symptoms. I quit CT after my psychiatrist told me my AD was just a placebo and that I could stop taking it after 1 week of tapering. I am so mad for how stupid I was to believe him. I got off my AD in December 2017 because I wanted to get pregnant. I actually have been having neurological symptoms for the past 5 years and had been on my AD for 10 years. And my anxiety has been bad for the past 2 years. I always thought the neurological symptoms were anxiety but now maybe they are a side effect of the drug? I tried to get back on my AD to stabilize but it made me feel so sick. I’m asking because you said you are stabilizing on Prozac. I have never heard of someone stabilizing on a different drug that wasn’t their original AD. I was just wondering if you could elaborate just because I am curious. I am considering trying a different AD just to stabilize because this is pure hell on earth. I have an appointment with a holistic doctor next month but I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Fighter33.

 

I moved your post here to start your Introductions topic, so it wouldn't get lost in the other forum.

 

What drug were you on? To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature

 

What are your neurological symptoms? Which got worse after you went off the drug in December 2017? Have you taken any psychiatric drugs since then?

[Fighter33]

HI, I actually have a weird story. I started my Lexapro 10 years ago at 10mg. I literally was a zombie and slept 20 hours a day. My p doc then dosed down to 5mg which seemed to help. But coincidentally right after I started the Lexapro I broke out with horrible cold sores in and outside my mouth on the right side of my face. I was getting low grade fevers and eventually I developed Bells Palsy on the right side of my face and my face was paralyzed for months. I had never had a cold sore before in my life and became so horribly ill after I started the Lexapro but never put 2 and 2 together and thought it was the cold sore virus making me sick. I now believe the Lexapro erupted a dormant virus I had in my body. I hated how the Lexapro made me feel but I convinced myself I needed to take it due to my panic attacks.

 

Over the next 10 years I became more and more obsessive with things and started to develop physical and neurological symptoms on the R side of my body. I never got headaches before the Lexapro fyi and each  year being on the Lexapro I became more anxious and my R calf started spasming all the time and hurting about 4 years in.  I dosed down to 2.5mg. In addition, I had an appendectomy because my appendix became inflamed ( an organ on the right side of your body). 5 years ago I decided I wanted off of medication for I never wanted to take it all my life and GP told me to take it every other day for 2 weeks (at this point I had been on it for 5 years now at 2.5mg). So I basically went off CT. The first month was physically hell but I thought it would subside. Surprisingly it did but about 4-5 months into my WD I started to get horrible panic attacks and heart  arrhythmias and ended up in the ER. The dizziness and headaches became unbearable so at about 6-7 months into my WD I reinstated at my original dose not knowing any better. By the grace of God it worked somewhat. I didn't notice any reinstate side effects but my some of my original withdrawal symptoms never went away and I felt like the Lexapro worked differently this time.

 

I felt emotionally numb, delayed almost. But I was happy. That was in 2015. By early 2016, my heart rate would randomly get up to the 120s and stay there and my right calf started hurting again and this time my right foot went numb for weeks. I saw a GP and he thought it was just sciatica. My anxiety was back and I was obsessing about everything. Worst of all I started to get dizzy for long periods of time and it would stay there for about 1-2 weeks. I went to see a therapist thinking it was all anxiety. My periods became crazy bad at this point and found out I had a fibroid and 2 polyps in my uterus. Very weird at my age. I had to get those removed. Then my right tonsil became enlarged and had to have that out. It was full of bacteria but my left was fine. In 2017 my headaches were really bad and they were behind my right eye and the whole right side of my face would get intense pain especially the jaw. My right leg was really hurting at this point and heavy but I became obsessed with the gym and just figured it was sciatica. But I wanted to get pregnant so at the end of 2017 my p doc told me the Lexapro was a placebo and so did my therapist and that dose was too small to do anything and just take it every other day for 1 week and stop it. I was fine for 2 weeks and then i'll never forget it my life changed forever on 12/22/18.

 

I got horribly sick 2 weeks after my last dose and my panic attacks and anxiety were out of control. But I didn’t want to go back on and was determined that it would pass and I would be good. But things never got better and I started to get more irrational and both my physical and mental health were rapidly declining. (Having physical pain, brain zaps, anxiety attacks). I was convinced I had endometriosis because I was in so much pain so I underwent a 2 hour surgery 5 months after stopping the Lexparo. Things went from bad to worse.

 

After surgery, I started having these feelings of like a dark cloud was physically over me and low grade temps. I can’t describe it. Worst and scariest feelings of my life. I decided enough was enough and so I went back on the lexapro a couple weeks after surgery at my original dose. After I went back on I got even more delusional, had another dark cloud episode and the worst panic attack yet. Then I started having intrusive thoughts of killing myself and I felt like I was on fire physically all the time. I called my psychiatrist and he was out of town and the nurse told me I could stop it if I wanted because I had only taken it for a week. So I abruptly stopped after a week of taking it because of the intrusive “kill yourself” thoughts. I spiraled more and more out of control and stopped eating. I physically couldn’t and was so dizzy and felt like I had honestly lost my mind. And the low grade fevers would not stop.

 

So my mom checked me into the psych ward were they threw Prozac, remeron, klonopin, visitril, and beta blockers at me. I developed a heart arrhythmia, tachycardia, increased BP, orthostatic hypotension, increased dizziness, nausea, uncontrollable shaking, blurry vision, I felt like I was burning up and I was flushed from head to toe. I literally felt like poison was injected into my veins. I left the hospital 8 days later in such bad shape I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Wrong again.

 

When I got home I had to go on disability, because I could not function. I started having disturbing vivid dreams and then I started hallucinating. I thought the devil was possessing me and I had disturbing intrusive thoughts, images and memories.

I went into the hospital at the end of may and June was the worst month of my life thus far. I am 29 years old and actually loved life before this. I have my masters in nursing and was so looking forward to my future. Now I feel like I cannot recover. I am now with deep depression, and my body is on fire constantly but I’m cold at the same time. I have low grade temps. I feel like I have short term memory loss, can’t concentrate, can’t eat, I shake all the time, still have brain zaps, and I have the most disturbing vivid dreams every night. My neurological symptoms are the whole right side of my body is weak and painful. every time I would get on and off a p drug the right side of my body would freak out. It's so weird my left is fine and my right lymph node on my neck is swollen too. I've developed horrible acne and periods are worse than ever.

 

I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back on meds but I can’t live like this either. I’m afraid of everything now. I’m scared to death of certain foods, supplements and all medications. Every medication I’ve taken since I’ve stopped lexapro I have gotten side effects. I used a scopolamine patch during surgery and my pupils became dilated and I had blurry vision for days. I'm around 95 lbs. 

 

I’m so desperate and am crying while writing this. Every psych med that I have used has been stopped “cold turkey” under the direction of a doctor and now I feel like I am dying. Everything else on the internet I have read has supported the fact that I will suffer many years until I find relief or that I have done irreversible brain damage. I feel like god has left me.

And the sad part is I feel the most horrible guilt ever. I did this all to myself stopping cold turkey. Shame on me for the first time but I did it again. And it's all my fault.

I just need hope and a miracle at this point. I can’t BARE to think my life is over and that I will suffer for many years to come. I feel like I have not only ruined my life but my family’s and especially my husbands too.  If anyone could write back with a message of hope and guidance on what to do next I would appreciate it.

 

Also, I got the genetic testing done. It shows I am a poor metabolizer of the 2d6 and 2b6 enzyme. That explains a lot for almost all psych drugs are metabolized by those enzymes. I also have a liver nodule that I found out not to long ago.

I'm just praying for a miracle at this point. 

 

 

Edited September 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
reformatted

[thecowisback]

i have no words of advice sorry but i was deeply moved by the desperation in your post. i'm sure your body will heal in time - our brains and bodies are incredible at adapting and dealing with things. my thoughts are with you and hopefully someone with better knowledge than me will have some advice for you soon xxxxx

[manymoretodays]

Hi Fighter and welcome back,

Did anything helpful come from your holistic practitioner?  You had mentioned an appointment a month ago.

Yes, I'm also very sorry for your present struggles.  It sounds like you have been through quite a bit, to date.  Ooooff!!!!!

I expect that you may have had some hormonal shifts going on pre and post surgery........as well as sensitivities to medications.  I'm not a doctor and really can only surmise here a bit.  Just know.......we get it........some of the intensities that you are feeling right now.  Many of us have been there or are there at present too. 

 

It does get better. 

Let's see if there is anything that we might be able to help with, along the lines of your W/D(withdrawal).  Does that sound okay?

 

If you could put your drug/medication history into a signature for us........that would be really helpful. 

Here's the link:  Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

The signature is the section that you see under other's posts(unless viewing from a phone device).  Just follow the instructions in that link.  This will greatly help us to make suggestions as to your individual situation.

 

This page acts as you main page, or introduction/journal page now.  You can continue to post symptoms here, and ask questions about your situation here as well.

 

I think that you are, indeed, suffering some withdrawal symptoms and may have also had some adverse reactions to your medication(s).

We generally recommend a harm free reduction of 10% or less from A/D's(antidepressants)

Why taper by 10% of my dosage*

I'm going to include some other links here with informational/educational topics too, as I'm not sure what you have read just yet.

Dr Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

What is withdrawal syndrome?

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/392-one-theory-of-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

Brain remodeling

 

There are 2 supplements that you may find helpful

Omega 3, fatty acids( fish oil)

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

It's best to just start one new thing at a time however,  start low, then keep records as to what you are adding or changing.

 

Do feel free to explore the site as well, once you get your signature done.  We have a great symptoms and self care forum/area.  And you might find hope in some of the Success stories as well.

 

All for now Fighter.  And yes, you are a fighter and have been through a lot recently.  Now is just a blip though........as far as your whole life goes, going forward.  I encourage you to cherish your achievements(yes, you have had achievements), and think of us or others, just carrying you along now........gently, lovingly.........until you feel a bit better.

Welcome aboard.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

[jozeff]

Hi fighter33, welcome here! 

Your story made me sad. You have been through a lot of medication horror.

Your nervous system deserves some rest that's for sure. 

I can feel your despair

 

You have to remember that each day that goes by you heal a little, although it doesn't feel this way. I cannot advise you on your medication but I know someone here can and will give you some very helpful things to work with.

 

I have citalopram myself and I know how powerful this stuff is. 

 

When I was desperate I watched some Douglas Bloch videos on YouTube. Those helped me to survive 1 day and if that's too long survive 1 hour or 1 minute..... If you think you will die from utter misery you have to focus on the present or the next hour. Don't try to focus on 'this will be like this the next couple of years' or 'this is my life from now on'.

Those thoughts are not constructive. I know you don't feel like this right now. But every little mind change might help you a little. 

 

I wish you all the best and I'm really feeling sorry for you.

 

I know you will be better! Every day you heal a little. Your brain is trying to correct itself and that feels pretty awful sometimes, I know.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted. Write about your life and people will respond and hopefully give you some relief.

 

 

Jozeff

[Fighter33]

2009- started lexapro at 10mg, could not manage so went down to 5 mg a couple weeks later I think 

(somewhere along the lines I dropped to 2.5mg not actually sure when)

2014 summer- CT’d 2.5mg

2015 winter- reinstated lexapro 2.5mg

2017 dec- CT’d lexapro 2.5 mg

2018 beginning of may- reinstated lexapro 2.5mg- stopped CT after 6 days because of extreme adverse reaction and side effects 

2018 end of may In hospital- 2 doses of 10 mg Prozac, 1 dose  remeron 7.5mg, a couple doses of vistaril, klonopin not sure dosage and 1.5 weeks of beta blockers 

 

In addition may 2018- used Xanax .0125mg prn maybe 2-3 times a week for about 2-3 weeks 

 

last p drug  was .0125mg Xanax May 31st 2018

[ChessieCat]

I think you may have been trying to create your drug signature but accidentally posted it in the topic which explains how to create your drug signature.

 

Please copy the text from the above post, click on this link:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature, and then click in the box and paste the text.  Remember to click on Save.  Thank you.

[Fighter33]

Hello, 

i hope i did everything right with the medication history. I’m really struggling physically and mentally. My body and mind are both seriously going hay wire. I didn’t even know someone could suffer like this. I did so many things wrong. I’m so pissed at my doctor and I’m so pissed at myself for stoping cold turkey. Then to make matters worse I put myself on birth control this year, got horribly sick and then electively had a 2.5 long surgery. Then I reinstated at full dose, had an adverse reaction. Then ended up in the psych ward. When I took a 10mg dose of Prozac in the hospital “game over.” It felt as poison went into my veins. Words can not describe it. I can’t believe it’s been 11 months since this horror and I’ve just gotten worse. It’s almost laughable how I did everything so wrong. I’m surprised I didn’t die yet to be honest with all the adverse reactions I’ve had to meds. After the scopolamine patch I couldn’t see for days. But what gets me the most is the skin burning, dizziness, nausea, inner anxiety, weakness, fatigue, the horrible dreams and I’m suicidally depressed. I’m not going to commit suicide. That’s not an option but omg this is pure hell. 

Im sorry I’m venting to you guys but I need to get it out. I’m just suffering so much.

 

Growing up I was always mildly depressed and anxious. It is definitely I believe in some people genes. I was always jealous of the other person and quiet but then again I was horribly bullied as kid so that can’t help. But overall content and never sick. I put a timeline together and noticed I started to get sick when I got the hpv Gardasil vaccine my freshman year of college. Everyone thought I was just stressed because I was away from home but I’ve kept a journal for the past 10 years and it’s all just too coincidental. Like I said I was NEVER sick growing up. After my 3 shots of the vaccine I started to have episodes of random convulsing, numbess and tingling, palpitations and PVCs, shortness of breath episodes, stomach aches, muscle aches, and restless legs. No one could figure out what was wrong with me so that’s how I ended up on lexapro 10 years ago. And when I started the lexapro I became even sicker with fevers and flu like symptoms and I broke out in horrible cold sores on the right side of my face and then developed Bell’s Palsy. Game over once I started lexapro. I always thought the cold sore virus and anxiety was the culprit but I whole heartily believe now the vaccine went into my CNS system, caused a sensitive reaction and for some reason the lexapro erupted the virus. It really doesn’t matter now but it scares me I have an underlying neurological condition like MS. My doctor ordered me an MRI but I refuse to put that gadnolium dye in my veins for the scan. I feel like the FDA and modern medicine has  ruined me. 

 

Its just so weird over the years only my right side of my body has been affected. My left is fine. Appenditis, enlarged right tonsil, enlarged right lymph node, right sided headaches, right sided bell palsy and the pain and heaviness I feel on the right side of my body is almost unbearable . But the ADs def play a role in all of this. Every time I’ve gotten off or on an AD my right side has gotten weaker and more painful. When I cold turkeyed my lexapro in December 2 weeks later it felt as if a bomb went off in the right side of my stomach and lower abdomen. Hence that’s why I had the surgery. Ever since I stopped the lexapro the pain on my right side just keeps getting worse. And it used to be just in my right leg and neck but now it is the entire right side with the stomach and back being the worst. Almost where my liver is. Every day it gets worse. Since I stopped the lexapro ived had a pelvic ultrasound, abdominal ultrasound, abdominal X-ray, right hip X-ray, and surgery and a bunch of blood work. It is interesting how my folate is high to me because of the methyl cycle and the how I am a poor metabolizer of the 2d6 and b6 enzyme. With that though that TERRIFIES me. Does that mean I will never be able to metabolize the lexapro and the Prozac that I put into my body? I am just really in shock that this is how my life has turned. I would give my right arm to be able to go back on an AD just to stabilize. I’m just so depressed because I believe a vaccine and a tiny pill ruined my chance of happiness. I’ve been sick for so long I don’t remember what being normal feels like. And ironically I did get bit by a tick on my right leg 5 years ago. Of course I’ve had the lymes blood work and the first test was positive but the second was negative. So I think there is a lot going on me with me. My genes, bacteria and viruses, and medication. I just really need some words of hope because I’m so SICK of being SICK. 😫😫

[Fighter33]

I was wondering if a moderator had any suggestions for me? We are all in the same boat but I can’t believe and I’m still in SHOCK that these drugs are still on the market. If I could do anything to go back in time and not take these medicines I would but I can’t and that right there is the definition of depression. 

[powerback]

Hi fighter im not a mod but I can empathise dearly with what you are going through ,I often find myself in the corner and screaming why and how .

as  much as we are angry at the DRs and big pharma this will not improve our situation so take it from someone that has wasted countless hours annoyed over this .

Learn about your body ,it has gotten an awful shock ,only time will heal it .anything you can  do to help like understanding food intolerances and learn what soothes your system .

IM glad you came to your thread and vented ,its intolerable to see humans in such pain like we suffer and mostly get ignored by the "medical system ",we will need to forgive there ignorance because only time will show the hypocrisy of there industry .

Forgive yourself and start practicing this ,you were not to know ,I often think why me .

I'm showing signs of autoimmune disease but I'm researching it and introducing everything that I can to help it or prevent it getting worse .

Believe me I know how painful this process ,I haven't gone a day for months that I don't have suicidal thoughts .

Its not a coincidence that people in withdrawl or med changes have problems with the immune system .

Take great care .

 

[thecowisback]

i often beat myself up about taking the pills in the first place but that's now history and i can only look forward. how are things now fighter33?

[Fighter33]

Hello, 

 

im doing okay, hanging in there! A couple of days ago I seemed to have developed the most bizarre symptom. My entire body is so incredibly itchy I can’t stand it. I mean my entire body has been on fire the past couple of months but this itching is new and almost worse than the burning. Has anyone else developed this? I was hoping a moderator or someone else could tell me if this is normal in wd. Thanks!

[ChessieCat]

Other members have had similar issues:

 

burning-skin-burning-feet

 

skin-issues-hives-acne-dryness-itching-etc

 

And if you google:  survivingantidepressants.org itching  that will bring up posts where members have mentioned that issue.

 

This link might work for the above search:  https://www.google.com/search?q=survivingantidepressants.org+itching&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-ab

[Fighter33]

Hi,

I wrote a very lengthy post in the introductions section in 2018. My story is very long and if any of you have time to read it, it explains (in a nutshell) my entire story. I have gotten better since 2018. My life has stabilized since then. It’s been a long ride though. I got pregnant and gave birth in 2019 and my child was born with a rare genetic disorder and is diagnosed with that and autism. I haven’t been back on this site since 2018 because it was crucial for me to move forward however I need some advice from you all especially those who have healed. I actually suspect my symptoms all started from a vaccine injury in 2008. I can’t prove this for sure but this is what I suspect. I got on my AD in 2009 because of physical symptoms (I was healthy before that). And even though I feel better than I did in 2018 (this is the year I stopped my AD) I still suffer with neurological symptoms.  I’m hoping someone with a similar story who has gotten better can offer their advice on how they healed. I’m specifically looking for a doctor who is compassionate, willing to listen, and who has had success with people with unexplained neurological symptoms. I live in the Pittsburgh area but these days doctors do telemedicine visits so distance isn’t a deal breaker. I do believe we go through hard challenges so we can help others in similar situations once we’ve gotten to the light on the other side. So please, I’m strictly asking for advice. What has helped you? 

[Emonda]

Welcome back @fighter33.

 

I've merged your new post into your original introduction page. It's best to keep everything relating to your situation in one spot so we can see your history and be in a better position to help.

 

3 hours ago, Fighter33 said:

I feel better than I did in 2018 (this is the year I stopped my AD)

 

I'm glad to read you are feeling better despite challenges coming your way.

 

You mentioned you still have some WD symptoms following the cessation of AD in 2018. What are those symptoms? Have they been there the entire time since 2018? Has there been any improvement? I've read that others have had lingering WD symptoms for extended periods. Healing takes time, and for some, it is much longer than others... everyone's situation is different. 

 

3 hours ago, Fighter33 said:

I’m specifically looking for a doctor who is compassionate, willing to listen, and who has had success with people with unexplained neurological symptoms.

 

I'm unfamiliar with doctors in your area, but you could look at this link to see if anything pops up near you.

 

3 hours ago, Fighter33 said:

So please, I’m strictly asking for advice. What has helped you?

 

For me, it is time and patience. If you elaborate on your symptoms, others may give advice on what helped them.

 

Wishing you well as you continue to recover.