Jump to content
Shane88L

Shane88L: anhedonia/depression from withdrawing from olanzapine / Zyprexa

Recommended Posts

Shane88L

I was put on 2.5mg of Olanzapine for racing thoughts/anxiety and as a sleep-aid. I was mostly taking 1.25mg though. I wish I had done the research before taking it!! I would have never taken it if I had known it would be like this, and cause such changes to the brain.

 

So, I've decided to just stop taking it cold turkey, as I figure that having only been on 1.25mg - 2.5mg for most of the 3 weeks, and... (5.0 for 2 days near the end) it for 3 weeks total, it's best to just stop without adding length to the drug being in my system.

The dose I've been taking is small also, however, I am very medicine sensitive. I'm so worried about side-effects from withdrawing...

 

I was using the phone and laptop last night until 3am to distract me until I felt relaxed enough to try and get some sleep, which I eventually did at about 3.30am. I was researching all about Olanzapine withdrawals and looking at many videos people posted on YouTube regarding this. It was slightly comforting.

 

I had very vivid dreams, as I have been having on the Olanzapine, only they somehow felt even MORE vivid. I can still remember the dreams easily enough if I try and this makes me feel anxious as I experience derealization/depersonalization every day I feel.

 

I woke up a few times this morning. First at about 6am. Felt like absolute crap. Depression, comparable to the “come down” after a high from ecstasy etc. Managed to sleep again, even with an anxiety-induced racing heart, falling into that vivid dream-filled, seemingly shallow sleep. Woke again before my wife got up at 8am, but once again, managed to fall asleep before she left the house.

 

It’s 12.15pm now, and I feel very depressed. I feel no joy and I have anxiety that is bubbling behind this cloud of depression. Obsessive, intrusive thoughts are frequent, and I don’t want to do anything at all today. I feel so very low. I find it extremely difficult to even write this, but I’m trying as I know it is something positive, to be keeping track of my progress.

 

I really hope I feel better soon. I’m very nervous about what to expect. I feel like it can’t get worse than this, as I feel absolutely hopeless, with no happy feelings…I’m just so depressed.

 

I’ve been thinking about trying Effexor XR, as I’m experiencing this crippling feeling of depression, and I’ve been feeling about the same way for the past 3 days, give or take. I actually started feeling this low after I re-commenced on Olanzapine 2.5mg after a 2 day trial of withdrawing from it after I took one 5mg tablet. I started feeling this low after taking that last 2.5mg tablet.

 

Well, that’s all I have to write for now. I feel so low…

 

(My question to people who have successfully stopped Olanzapine) -

 

Will I ever feel ok again? Will I find the old me..? Is 3 weeks and the dose I've been on not small..?

 

I was taking it for 3 weeks, and mostly (for about 75% of those 3 weeks) 1.25mg (splitting 2.5mg in half) along with taking 0.625mg (splitting the 2.5mg in half) as I’m very med sensitive and nervous in general about medication.

 

UPDATE on DAY 2 of Olanzapine WIthdrawal

 

It is now 5.10pm in the afternoon. I am still feeling depressed and have racing thoughts which are causing me anxiety on a high level. I feel like I have lost myself, and I'm afraid that I won't be happy again. This depression is so bad that I managed to talk to a psychiatrist in the day hospital and she prescribed Mirtazapine 7.5mg (taking half of 15mg). I really hope this will help me through this, as I am feeling rather hopeless and lost...

 

Has anyone used antidepressants to ease coming off of Olanzapine?

 

Thanks.

 

UPDATE on DAY 3

 

I slept from some time after 1.30am while listening to a YouTube video. My sleep felt very shallow with vivid dreams, which I can't recall clearly now, but I don't think they were particularly good dreams.

 

Woke up at 6am. Immediate panic. Still empty, no, worse... no feelings at all, just fear/panic. Perhaps this is due to my receptors being messed around with from the 3 weeks on Olanzapine? Is 3 weeks enough time to do irreversible, permanent damage to the brain? I wish I had some answer...

 

I used my phone to watch videos of people's journey of withdrawing. I couldn't seem to find enough.

I continued to watch videos until about 9.30am when I got out of bed with my wife.

 

It is 10.20am now. I'm trying to remain active, even though doing things is just so difficult! I washed the dishes. I managed to eat a banana. My wife made me a cup of hot milk. Thinking about eating food makes me feel quite nauseated. I have zero appetite.

 

My thoughts don't seem to stop. I wonder about the point of existence. Humans as creatures - what, really, is the point? I have depersonalization and derealization for at least 4 months now, and I think about every little thing I do or see... I'm just so tired and stressed!

 

I'll continue to update.

 

Thank you everyone, and I hope to hear some friendly people!

 

 Shane.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
reformatted removing background

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Welcome, Shane.

 

It is possible to become physiologically dependent on the drug within a few weeks. However, we need some more information before suggesting anything.

 

On 10/4/2018 at 3:35 AM, Shane88L said:

I’ve been thinking about trying Effexor XR, as I’m experiencing this crippling feeling of depression, and I’ve been feeling about the same way for the past 3 days, give or take. I actually started feeling this low after I re-commenced on Olanzapine 2.5mg after a 2 day trial of withdrawing from it after I took one 5mg tablet. I started feeling this low after taking that last 2.5mg tablet.

 

What does this depression feel like?

 

How did you feel while you were taking olanzapine more regularly for 3 weeks?

 

What is your sleep pattern now? How late at night do you stay on the computer or phone?

 

It sounds like your habit of rumination has come back. Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy for this? It's a good non-drug way to change that habit of thinking.

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Shane, 

 

I saw your post on another thread. This journey is definitely scary but please don’t give up. We all eventually heal, we just don’t know when. We need to just take a moment at a time. When we are going through major waves we need to keep distracting ourselves. 

 

I have lots of things to help me distract myself, music, art, crafts, crocheting, photography, DVDs n Netflix, going out in nature etc etc. The list is endless. 

 

Please answer alto’s questions. The mods may then be able to give some good suggestions to help you to cope. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you to try n think a little more positive. Also the advice Claire Weekes gives is great too. She has written books but there are also YouTube videos you can check out. A lot of people on this site have found her advice beneficial.

 

Take care, you will heal in the end. It’s just a matter of using coping skills while you’re healing n getting through each day as best you can. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Hi Altostrata,

 

Thank you very much for your message.

 

The depression is unlike anything I've ever felt - like a "nothingness"... loving feeling have gone, no good emotions, no...nothing. Like my head is empty...

 

On Day 4 I went to the ER to get more Olanzapine, to reinstate, as I couldn't take the sleepless nights and... sweating, shivering and complete panic with no emotion.

I have used a pill cutter yesterday and quartered the 2.5mg tablet. I took one quarter yesterday evening (0.625), and felt a slight difference. I managed to sleep last night.

 

When I was taking the olanzapine more regularly for 3 weeks I felt not myself either... Just very zombified. I could sleep but I had nightmares. 

 

Today, I took another quarter of the 2.5mg tablet. I don't feel myself still... Just...not quite "there"... Can't find things funny and my love has disappeared I feel.

I really just want to be off this tablet, but I couldn't take the withdrawal. Was it an ok move - to reinstate after 4 days? I was taking 1.25mg mostly for over 3 weeks.

Also, this depression or anhedonia I feel I have came about starting when; I took a 5mg olanzapine one night at the end of three weeks, then stopped taking the olanzapine for 2 days after that, and then, when I took the last 2.5mg pill (not 0.625) it hit me! Bam! Haven't felt the same since! Like I've become lost.

For the 3 weeks, I wasn't taking the tablets at the same time every night though, and changing doses at times (the psychiatrists are very, very unhelpful!)

 

So, I'm on my second day of 0.625mg of Olanzapine again, as I want to go off it slowly this time (hoping this will make it easier to withdraw from!)

I still feel quite "removed" from this world however... Not really engaged at all. 

 

I would love some advice on these changes and the feelings I have! I feel like I have waves, even though I have re-instated the pills, is this normal? 

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Hi Carmie!

 

Your advice on how to ride out the waves I have taken. Thanks so much. 

 

I just want to feel like myself again. 

 

Thanks for your response, it really means a lot!

 

Shane.

Share this post


Link to post
ChessieCat

Just in case you missed the last line of Alto's post above:

 

Please create your drug signature.  Keep it simple - no symptoms or diagnoses just:

  • details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
  • summary for older than 2 years - just years and ALL drugs

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Hi,

 

I've been taking 0.625mg for the past two nights as I couldn't sleep on the 4th day of withdrawing cold turkey.

 

I didn't sleep well the second night (last night), only sleeping 3 hours. I'm wondering if I should just try to withdraw again as I still feel anhedonia, can't concentrate on anything etc.

 

Is it worth it to keep taking the 0.625mg?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Bee5

Shane, I would just like to tell you that I empathise with you. I was on olanzapine a few years ago (not in my signature since I have kept my signature pretty recent). I was like a shell of human being on olanzapine, people described me as a zombie, all emotions blunted (apparently this has something to do with dopamine). I was already dependent on it after a few weeks, which became clear when I tried to taper too quickly. I slowed down my taper, and when I got to the lowest dose of olanzapine (1.25 mg I think) my pdoc at the time moved me over to quetiapine. I have known people to take YEARS to get off even 2.5 mg of olanzapine, so don't be stressed out if you can't come off cold-turkey, because it is a powerful drug. Just take one day at a time, and ask the mods to link you to ways to do liquid tapers. Good luck through this challenging time. 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Hi Bee5,

 

Thanks so much for your message. 

 

I really, really don't want to be on olanzapine anymore! I'm trying to stop again. I wan't to see if I can bear the withdrawals this time, as the insomnia got to me the last time. I'm thinking that I'll have to employ some new techniques to try to get some sleep this time around.

 

Last night, I took 0.625mg and didn't sleep more than 3 hours in the morning after 6am!

 

Thanks again,

 

Shane.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

I'm over 3 months into my withdrawals now.
This is/has been the hardest thing I've ever/am still going through in my life. I have lost myself. I question reality every day now. My feelings are merely fleeting shadows of what they once were. I am a walking piece of meat. I feel my soul has disappeared. 
Everyday, I wake from a sleep of nightmares which are far more real than this waking life is. 
Where has love gone?? What is it to feel...? How did I live my life up until this point, so... devoid of this torture?
Without emotions, humans are, essentially, the walking dead - condemned to a tortured existence until death releases us.
Existential thoughts plague me constantly. There is no rest for me, no respite from this torment. 
I don't panic anymore despite a constant free-floating anxiety. Panic has left me also, despite this hellish semi-existence. 
Derealization and Depersonalization with existential thoughts are with me 24/7. As is a deep, deep depression. I cannot imagine what it was like for me before this experience. I feel like I'll never be the same.

Why do we exist? To suffer? 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

I feel like I'm in a never-ending bad trip. I feel like life is a sick joke. As if I'm seeing how life truly is, from an observing, non-emotional, objective view. What is the point? 
Nothing can make this torture end. I have endured over 3 months of this suffering, hoping that I will feel myself, but I feel like I see the truth now. I never felt this way before in my entire life... Why now..?
Where has my flow in life gone? I feel... Like my consciousness stream that we all flow through in life, has left me, and I'm almost in another dimension, trapped, in terror.
Perhaps I've developed existential OCD. I'm not sure. 
I used to find life easy to live. I had a curiosity and passion that is now gone. I used to look forward to things, and now, I feel stuck in this "now".
 

Am I seeing life for how it is, objectively? The truth?? That it is a cruel thing, and pain is found within us all, in ourselves is a hell that is indescribable...Once known, this hell can't be unknown... Knowing this, how can one continue to live?

Perhaps I sound nonsensical. I just don't care. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Shane, 

 

I’m sorry you are struggling so much. It can take a long time for our brains to stabilise. Recently when I changed to compounding capsules it took me over three months to stabilise. I decided to go back to the original tablets again though, after brassmonkey said they’re more accurate, so it might take me another three months to stabilise again. Who knows?? Nothing is linear about this process. I will cross taper this time though, I didn’t know anything about that before. 

 

With reinstatements it can take a while for them to work, but there’s no guarantee. Brassmonkey wrote that reaching stability is very individual and will frequently take three to six months, and that it’s not unheard of for it to take 18 months to two years to fully stabilise from a reinstatement. You’ve probably read the article. ChessieCat will send you the link.

 

It is terrible that you are suffering like you are when you’ve only been on the meds for a short time. I got myself down from 300mgs to 7.5mg, but it might still make me ten or so years to get off that, because I can only taper tiny amounts, I can’t do the 10%. 

 

I know it’s extremely hard when going through waves, but I’ve found distracting myself keeps me sane, like I’ve mentioned before. We can’t change what we are going through, so we have to somehow come to terms with what we are going through. We will all eventually heal in the end. The is a happy ending, it just might take a long time.  

 

Did you manage to check out Claire Weekes? She has good advice about coping. What we are going through is definitely the hardest journey we will ever face, I’ve been going through it for many, many years and have had to learn how to stay sane despite the horror of withdrawals. My ordeal started because of chronic pain. 

 

I see you’ve been on Seroquel in the past, How did you go getting off that? That’s what I’m tapering off. 

 

It might be an idea too to interact with others on their threads on this site, especially when you’re feeling low, so that you can get some more encouragement from people going through the same thing, and at the same time you can encourage others too. It helps sometimes to focus on others. I spend a lot of time helping friends in the real world too, even though I’m extremely sick. It makes me happy to help others, and it takes the focus off me n my problems. 

 

Hang in there, we will win this fight💚

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
ChessieCat

LINKS:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

The labelled diagram in this link explains how anxiety affects different parts of the body:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/AnxietySelfHelp.pdf

 

Dr Claire Weekes suffered from anxiety and learned and taught ways of coping.  There are videos available on YouTube.

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

 

On 4/28/2017 at 4:03 AM, brassmonkey said:

 

AAF: Acknowledge, Accept, Float.  It's what you have to do when nothing else works, and can be a very powerful tool in coping with anxiety. The neuroemotional anxiety many of us feel during WD is directly caused by the drugs and their chemical reactions in the brain.  Making it so there is nothing we can do about them.  They won't respond to other drugs, relaxation techniques and the like.  They do, however, react very well to being ignored.  That's the concept behind AAF.  Acknowledge, get to know the feeling involved, explore them.  Accept, These feelings are a part of you and they aren't going anywhere fast. Float, let the feeling float off as you get on with your life as best as you can.  It's a well documented fact that the more you feed in to anxiety the worse it gets.  What starts as generalized neuroemotinal anxiety can be easily blown into a full fledged panic attack just by thinking about it.

 

I often liken it to an unwanted house guest.  At first you talk to them, have conversations, communicate with them.  After a while you figure out that they aren't leaving and there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.  So you go on about your day, working around them until they get bored and leave.

 

It can take some practice, but AAF really does work.  I hope you give it a try.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for your replies. It is wonderful to have this place to share, be heard and gain some positivity. 

I checked my diary I keep, where I keep count of the days that I've been drug-free, and it has been 79 days of zero olanzapine. So, I was mistaken previously, which I'm a little relieved about. I thought I was over 3 months into my withdrawal, but it hasn't yet been 3 months yet. I feel some relief, perhaps because I'm not that far in to the withdrawals.

 

I was reading posts from Plshelp, and feel so disheartened.  My anxiety has been very high, as I can't stop thinking about her... I can't believe that there is such extensive damage done that no healing has occurred in over 2 years... 

Another user named KatiPerri, who unfortunately passed away, didn't get any relief in 3 years, and ended her life. Her symptoms seem to be the very same as Plshelp, and this is just horrible...

I try my best to avoid reading things that could upset me, as I am so sensitive, but sometimes, accidentally, it happens... 

 

Are windows supposed to feel like a happiness/normality that was experienced before the drugs? Because, I haven't yet experienced such happiness/relief yet. I've had moments where my DP/DR lessened and my depression somewhat lessened, but that's it.

 

I wish to be normal again! 

Share this post


Link to post
ChessieCat
39 minutes ago, Shane88L said:


I try my best to avoid reading things that could upset me, as I am so sensitive,

 

It's not a good idea to read triggering posts.  You need to try and keep yourself as calm and stress free as possible.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

I feel not "flowing" anymore in life, if that makes sense... As if, my consciousness is too objective, or aware...? I think about my past and try to feel... and I suddenly panic. "Why was I so normal and ok with living? Why could I laugh and not question it as being an odd noise we make..? Why was I so ok with my existence?" I feel like I see the world as being under a huge brainwash.  I feel totally disconnected and crazy!! I've seen the truth of life... That nothing matters, at least, not when you've taken that anti-psychotic poison. Who knows what damage it has caused. The psychiatrists don't know what it does to the brain. And they give it out to innocent people. How do I feel ok again after what has happened? Every day is now a struggle. Panic attacks every night. I no longer feel any positive emotions. I feel like I'm constantly "trapped" in a nightmare world, not awake at all. I'm thinking that the drug has damaged some part of my brain. There are no windows. Moments of slight relief is all I have. I feel like something has been stolen from my being, but I don't know what. I have been put on disability allowance, as I can't handle anything anymore. I don't feel like I can ever be "ok" or "normal" again after what has happened. As if... A door has been closed and I can no longer open it. 

 

I wish you all the very best and send you love. I have love, beyond this pain... and to all of you going through this hell, let's keep fighting for  life. As scared as I am, I don't plan on giving up. 

Shane.

Share this post


Link to post
cantbe

Hi Shane I just want to say I'm there with you. I'm 3 months off the antipsychotic Abilify injection and I also feel nothingness, emptiness, numbness. My interests, desires, motivation, pleasures gone. I just couldn't care about things I used to. I try to like things but my brain just doesn't care. Like you I suffer from poor sleep. Since abilify I keep having shallow sleep with vivid dreams and I wake multiple times a night. Among those I also suffer from sexual dysfunction. Zero libido. It's like I lost myself. My depression has lifted unlike the first 2 months where I couldn't imagine what was happening to me. Now I'm just an empty person. I'm only 29 and can't imagine 40-50 years more of this.

Share this post


Link to post
eymen23

Hi Shane,

 

I wanted to reach out and say that although I have not experienced withdrawal from Olanzapine, I have experienced severe depersonalisation and derealisation, which came with similar symptoms and experiences to what you describe above. 

 

Please try not to believe that you have seen the truth of life, or that nothing matters; although I can confirm

from past experience it sure feels like that when you’re in the heat of things. From my experience, the world is not just about the external, it is equally about the internal.

 

Once we feel such a sense of disconnection and disorientation inside, the world presents to us in such a way, as something confusing and ‘fake’. However,  when one is happy, excited or content; the world presents as safe, a place of opportunity, something to be grateful of etc. The same external world can be totally different to us based on how we feel.

 

So to me, it’s not that you’ve come to realise the world is fake or that everything is meaningless, but rather you’ve temporarily fallen into a psychological state where the world appears that way. This was actually incredibly freeing for me to grasp back when I felt so bad, because it allowed me to see that the world had not changed, rather my ‘condition’ had changed, and it also allowed to me better understand things like cognitive behaviour therapy, where you try to change your perception of situations, without necessarily changing the situations themselves. 

 

Many people go on to get better, but of course you will always stumble across a story or two where somebody did not improve or at least not within a certain time period. Try to remember that the internet often attracts people in the worst case scenarios. People who stop taking these drugs and recover relatively quickly, are much less inclined to come online and post about how wonderful they feel now.

 

Some suggestions for you:

 

1. Try to find activities that help distract you from how you feel. I know it is hard when you are not getting the same pleasure out of life, but I found certain things would always help me, such as warm baths, deep breathing in a dark room, texting friends on my phone (for some reason texting is one of my best distractions, much better than phone calls). Do these helpful things as often as you can. 

 

2) Accept, accept and accept. I know this is SO hard when you feel so disorientated, but whenever things really start to get on top of you, try to slowly relax every muscle in your body and say ‘I accept’. ‘This feeling may last as long or as short as it likes’. If you can see this is as something that you must go through, and accept that and make peace with it as best you can, it makes the day go by that bit easier.

 

3) Have faith. Never stop believing that you will heal. Remind yourself that this is YOUR story,  that you are not anybody else from this forum and that you will heal. There is something extremely powerful about belief and hope. It has got me through many dark days, and I’m still here putting one step in front of the other. 

 

Take care! 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thank you so much... Thank you

Share this post


Link to post
nicolantana

Hey Shane, just reading your story. Not sure if we've interacted before, but please read my thread for some hope. I'm over two years into this, will update signature properly in coming days. I've had a lot of these magical windows, and wow was it worth hanging in there for them. feel free to ask me more or message me, I'll update properly soon like I say

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thank you so much for your messages... I feel comforted by them. I truly do, and my heart goes out to everyone who is experiencing/has experienced this hell.

 

I'm on my 182nd day of withdrawal cold turkey from olanzapine. That's 6 months now.

 

I have been changed from this drug and that is for certain. I used to wake up and not worry about my sanity, or question things... Existential thoughts are with my every day, but I've become more used to them. My sleep is full of vivid dreams. I feel more in my dreams than I do in this waking life - something to do with dissociation I believe. 

I am beginning to accept that this drug has damaged me, far more than just on a physical level.

I think what has troubled me the most is that this drug has an effect on the body to the level that nobody has any true understanding of.

Every single human is different. Every brain is as unique and as beautiful as a snowflake. Taking this into consideration, I would hope that, in the near future,  drugs are not given to those who don't truly need them.

Antipsychotics should be prescribed under conditions where they are truly needed - ie; to someone who is experiencing psychosis. The same should go for antidepressants and other substances that affect the brain. Giving them to people for trouble sleeping? Giving them to people for physical pain..? Ridiculous. It is so, so damaging!  It  should be a crime!!

 

 

I believe that many, many doctors are narcissistic. Money and respect are their sole desire. That illusion of power is intoxicating to them. I'm definitely venting somewhat now, so my apologies in advance... I recall my experience last year in the emergency room. I felt like I was seen as a piece of garbage. The psychiatrist was robotic, cold... even defensive, and I was simply wasting her time if I wouldn't take what she prescribed. I had to repeat over and over that I was not going to continue taking that "medicine" as it made me feel like it robbed me of my human soul. She ended up raising her voice at me when I wouldn't do as she ordered, stating that a doctor should be "listened to". Horrible excuse for a human. 

From this, and the hellish experience of withdrawal, what I know for certain is... I have become a far, far more cautious and self-reliant person. I care for myself more than I used to. I am also more quick to turn away a stranger, unlike how I used to be. I used to be a co-dependent fawn type person, and I would do my best try to make everyone happy, to adjust to everyone.  Now I think to myself; "These people only care about themselves, and they don't care about hurting me if it means they gain from it". Negative to an extreme perhaps, but I have self compassion now that keeps people at a safe distance.

I don't take medicine anymore, not even for headaches. I stay away from pharmaceuticals. I do take supplements daily - omega 3, vit c, niacin and magnesium. I have been taking cbd oil every night since 5 and a half months ago.

 

I watched a TedX talk recently, where a psychiatrist was talking about, in general, how psychiatrists prescribe medicine and damage their patients without any care. They are "throwing darts in the dark" as he described.  They truly don't "see" the individual or that individual's brain. They lump them into one category and wonder if they will "get lucky" with this medicine or that one, and if the patient responds with "I don't feel myself... I have diarrhoea, I'm throwing up and get sweats and can't sleep" the psychiatrist/gp will respond with "how could you be? it has only been 2 days."  or "that is normal. Give it more time." I feel like punching a hole through my wall. How utterly irresponsible of these "doctors". Ruining people's lives without any care at all. 

 

Apologies for that... A wall of text. I'm so angry...No... So hurt. Anger is overshadowing my pain beneath... A pain I can't experience yet, because everything at that level is just to much...

 

I sleep after 4am every night. I can't sleep before then. A constant high pitched ringing is hard to ignore. I haven't grown accustomed to it, nor do I think I will. It is a tinnitus that reminds me when I am hard on myself and think "I should be feeling better, it has been 6 months" that I am still in withdrawal, that my central nervous system is still repairing.

 

Depersonalisation/Derealisation - I have daily. I am accepting. Slowly. 

 

I do still wonder how I could have gone through life without questioning my own existence. I feel like there is no longer a "Shane" anymore, just a "thing"... No identity. The idea of identity even bothers me!

 

Still, even that last sentence I wrote is coming from the "Me" who is depersonalised. I try to accept this. Everyone's replies I have read and think about most when I am in a tough spot with this withdrawal.

 

Hope is something beautiful... I have moments where I feel hopeful, and then, life is good... For just a short while, I think "It's good to be alive!" 

 

Everyone... You are all so wonderful, and truly, I care about you all, as I feel I know your pain... I can empathise and feel connected, a little bit.

 

My worst was when I believed I was trapped in a coma and I couldn't awake from this nightmare, thinking that my loved ones were waiting at the side of my bed - anxiety at it's worst. A waking nightmare, devoid of any pleasure. I could not find peace, not from my loving wife, not from cats.. Not from t.v. nor video games. The trees outside, the birds, the idea of the world itself, everything terrified me. Thoughts scared me. I could not feel relief from the hell I was in.

 

It get's better though. Slowly. Very, very slowly. I'm getting better. I can feel it. So, so slowly.

It lightens my heart at times when I think of Dori from Finding Nemo; "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do, we swim".

 

Far from 100% healed, still going through many, many rough patches, I can say that I am healing. My feelings are not back fully at all, and I haven't truly laughed in a long time, but that' ok!  That is ok.

 

Time will heal. 

 

Much love to everyone, and please, don't give up!

 

Shane.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Priscilla

Hi Shane,

 

I can kind of relate to what you're going through. I was on zyprexa for 22 days but at a slightly higher dose (5mg). I was going to ask if you had any improvements but just realized you posted only an hour ago. I hope you continue to heal, better to heal very slowly than not at all.

 

Cheers,

 

Priscilla

Share this post


Link to post
Dream22

Hi Shane, hang in there. You have come a long way to be 6 months free from olamzapine. I was on it for 5 months and also delt with a narcissistic psychiatrist who wrongly diagnosed me. I too feel so much anger towards these evil, soul dead doctors who push these poison pills so you definitely dont need to apologise for being angry. Just remember this is a situation in life 5 years from now you will look back on. The body and brain can take some time to heal. I too felt very much like you and lost my love for life. I just felt numb and was living each day praying for night to fall as i felt so lost, miserable and alone. These pills should be given to these evil prescribing docs to see how they feel on them. I believe in karma and these evil people will face Gods wrath for destroying so many peoples bodies, minds and souls. 

 

Try to watch funny comedys or films to make you feel happy again. I thought i had lost the ability to laugh or feel happy until i watched Who is America by Sacha Baron Cohen. It felt so uplifting to laugh so hard after so much misery. Whilst your in healing mode try not to question every thing and do the things in life that bring even the smallest of pleasures. It will really help time pass by in a better way. Have you read The Secret? Its about practising gratitude which increases your vibrational energy to attract what you desire in life. I used this method 10 years ago whilst studying for a computing degree i was clueless about when i first started. By using these metaphysical principles i ended achieving a first where as i was sure i was going to fail as i didnt even know how to screet shot lol. You could try this towards your health. Try to fill your mind with things you appreciate and the days to come wont feel so gloomy and testing. Your in my prayers, i pray God blesses you with health in body, mind, spirit and soul and everyone else in our position. I also pray Gods wrath be upon all the evil so called doctors who have no morals or conscience for the harm they have inflicted on so many innocent lives. Amen

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thanks for the good messages, it's really nice to read positive things.

 

Update - 

 

Cried today for the loss I suffered. Learning to accept what has happened will be the next big step forward in my healing.

 

The weather was very nice for the past 4 days. The warm sun, the smell of flowers in the air (not quite able to connect with my senses yet. I can taste, touch, smell, hear and see, but I cannot truly connect... I believe more time will heal this disconnection.), the feel of the gentle breeze on my face... 

 

I want to truly connect to life again!

 

Shane.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Last night I laughed. I truly laughed and it surprised me so much I almost started crying.. It felt so good to just laugh! 

Just something I wanted to write so I wouldn't forget.

 

Every day is an uphill struggle, but it is getting easier, gradually. 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
hayduke

Hi Shane, sounds like the lights are coming back on so to speak!

 

I know it's not for everyone, but do you feel you've benefited from the CBD oil?

 

Hope it continues to go well for you mate

Share this post


Link to post
VincentV

I can really relate to what you're saying Shane. I also have the dissociation, anxiety and anhedonia. Like you things are very slowly improving.

 

Hang in there pal.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thanks for the responses VincentV and Hayduke!

@Hayduke - I really can't say whether or not the CBD oil has been helping me... I think it may have, but that may be a placebo effect, but even if it is a placebo, it's a positive thing.
Actually, I haven't been taking any of the oil for a few days now, seeing as it is so costly! I prefer having it, as when I wake in a panic attack from sleep (far more seldom these days) I take it and it helps to chill me out.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Some negative things I'm experiencing during my withdrawal (please, there is no need to read this if you are going through withdrawal yourselfYou won't gain anything from it! I'll write more positive improvements in time.)

Some days I'm so deep in DP/DR that I feel like I'll never get better, but then I have days like today, where I feel... ok. 

Staying out of my own head is hard. My thoughts are a constant stream of fear-inducing "what if's" and why's"... The Depersonalisation is causing this, I believe. 

Losing feelings (numbing?) has been the worst aspect of this withdrawal. When you don't really feel, you lose the "point" of things... Human existence, the "should's" of life... A sight given, seeing objectively far, far too much... The thoughts bring with them feelings, or is it the other way around? I feel like something is wrong, something feels unnatural, so I question it, then the thoughts bring about an even worse feeling - dread.

I am not always feeling bad, but I feel like it has become a sort of "base" for my existence. There is no more healthy base to return to, just an anxious one.

When i walk outside, I can not seem to see beyond a certain range. Like a tunnel vision of a sort, where my peripheral vision seems to have decreased. 

Upon falling asleep, I vividly recall my dreams, and those dreams stay with me for days. This used to not happen to me before taking olanzapine. Every dream leaves me feeling fearful.

I am left with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and I hope this will improve with time as it is very draining. My mind won't take a break. It is always checking my own sanity.

This is all written from a DP/DR state of being... I'm trying to remain hopeful throughout the journey.

Share this post


Link to post
RichT

Shane,

 

I can relate very much to what you’re saying. Stick with it!

 

R

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thanks for the reply RichT.

 

Please, if you're going through withdrawals and are struggling, there is no need to read this - it is not necessary for your healing.

 

I feel like I'm afraid of my own mind, like I'm constantly trying to escape from my own reality...
Very uncomfortable.

I'm approaching 7 months into my cold turkey withdrawal from olanzapine. I'm trying to accept the fact that I am brain damaged due to this drug. The ringing in my ears is still there. I'm noticing more ways that I've been affected. I can't seem to focus. I see things, but nothing really registers. I smell things, but don't truly feel/connect. I hear, with ringing in both ears, but my right hearing seems to have somehow become worse - when I lay on my side with my left ear on the pillow, I can't hear very well at all, perhaps 50%. My body gets hot/cold shivers that running up and down my legs to my head which I believe is due to anxiety/ my impaired cns - This kind of feel like a more intense and uncomfortable version of what I once used to feel when I heard some beautiful music -shivers down my spine. My thoughts seem to have somehow grown into a chaotic mess - I feel jarred, I feel fragmented from myself. When I "feel", I can't experience it, because the me is not here now...
 


I know that I am nowhere near as depressed and anxious as I was in the early days of my withdrawal (acceptance and my growing more accustomed to everything has helped), but every single day is a struggle. I don't want to have to keep monitoring myself every day for symptoms, but it seems to be an obsessive thing now, as if I can't go through a moment without checking myself.

I will write more when I experience some more improvements.

Shane.

 

Share this post


Link to post
eymen23

Shane,

 

What you describe above is relatively common in withdrawal, and that is that you seem to have days where things are a little easier. This is the typical ‘windows and waves’ pattern of recovery and it is an encouraging sign.

 

Although there you document a lot of suffering in your posts, there are also more positive elements mixed in. I’ve quoted some examples below.

 

On 5/8/2019 at 8:20 PM, Shane88L said:

then I have days like today, where I feel... ok

I am not always feeling bad

I'm trying to remain hopeful throughout the journey.

 

45 minutes ago, Shane88L said:

I know that I am nowhere near as depressed and anxious as I was in the early days of my withdrawal (acceptance and my growing more accustomed to everything has helped
 

 

Can you see that there are some positive elements to the experience, and that you are able to detect them and relay them onto us? That is excellent and if you can slowly begin to focus more on these plus points and gently accept the difficult element of withdrawal, I’m hopeful that you will get through this difficult experience and with more emotional resilience. 

 

You might find it helpful to try and documenting and thinking about your negative experiences in a more calm way (not that you are doing a bad job!). As an example, if I had a panic attack later today, I could document it and think of it as such,  ‘earlier I had a random and intense bout of panic which soon passed’,

as opposed to ‘I had the worst panic attack today, it was absolutely horrible and I can’t wait for this experience to end’. 

 

It is important to acknowledge negative or difficult experiences, but by being more calm and at peace with these experiences, the amount of suffering they cause tends to reduce and this is the fine art of acceptance.

 

Just some suggestion for you Shane, but I sense you’re already on the right path.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Thanks very much Eymen for the response. I appreciate it.


I'm continuing my self psycho-education.

Feeling better mostly, and things are becoming easier. I had a dream last night about astronomy that certainly wasn't a nightmare, yet I still felt scared upon waking and remembering it. This is certainly to do with DPDR and existential rumination. When the anxiety and DPDR lessens, I'm thinking that the bad-feel dreams will clear up.

 

Definitely improving with the passing of time, and I do see full recovery in the future. 

Today I see a more bright future.



 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Positive Post

 

Feeling like my old self today.

 

A definite sign that healing is happening.

Getting easier as time passes. 

 

Output is important I've learned - Writing my feelings (creating a narrative of what has happened in my life, processing old traumas and re-integrating my self.)

Emotional repression is to be worked on to fully counter DP/DR, along with continuing creative pursuits that I abandoned in the past such as juggling, drawing, a routine of exercise, longer walks in nature.
Countering negative, ruminating thoughts with positives - Future planning

Connecting with other members on this forum is a big plus. Many have truly helped me, and I feel so grateful.
 

This bumpy road of recovery will have many more pot-holes to get through, but the fight to continue is so worth it.

 

Love to you all,

 

Shane.

Share this post


Link to post
hayduke

Hey Shane88L,

I can relate to a lot of these symptoms.  I've had a bit of tinnitus growing up around punk bands and such.  Always abated and rarely bothersome. Lately though I've noticed it comes and goes relating to the withdrawals.

I've done a lot of work with my therapist on healing from trauma lately and it's been amazing.  After a couple of weeks of feeling great I've had a bit of a slump again, not that bad really, but still enough to extend my hold for the moment.  The reason I mention that is because you mention derealisation and anxiety which seem to be the main signs for me now and again right now along with fatigue (though not as bad as before) and low mood.  Thankfully no really problematic or unexpected symptoms beyond that and the best bit is it feels like all of me is there during this now, the parts that were submerged by trauma are now part of the whole again.  So angry at the person who abused me when I was small and everything they took from me.

Anyway cheers and I know down the road things will keep improving.  Great to hear things are getting better for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Hi Hayduke. Thanks for your reply.

Facing our past is hard, but really necessary for a re-integration of the self... This is a tough road, but worth it.

Anger is a very healthy emotion... I'm beginning to accept it more these days.

Reading books helps me. 

 

Regarding DP/DR - The depersonalisation I have is constant, so it is most definitely a disorder.

I had moments of Dp/Dr as far back as 11 years old, where I stopped what I was doing, looked around me and panicked.

Nothing looked similar, and nothing comforted me.

I ran upstairs to my mother in a panic, crying and telling her how I felt.

Her response was "Stop this or you'll make yourself sick".

A very telling bit of evidence into my being neglected as a child.

 

Regarding sleep - 

Since stopping the drug, my sleep has been the same. I sleep after 3am usually, and wake every 3-4 hours. I use my phone to distract myself until I manage to fall asleep again. 

I really wish I didn't have to rely on phones or laptops to distract myself, but when I attempt to sleep without these things, I panic. I become aware of a strange feeling, not physical, but something like the sensation of metal wool in my head... Very hard to describe. I need to open my eyes, as the sensation grows to a torturous level, yet it isn't a physical sensation...Very strange.

When I am with my own thoughts, or without distraction, this tends to happen. I have yet to figure out what this is. 

My guess is a mix of high anxiety with depression - neurochemicals are not working as intended n my brain.

A truly horrible  and uncomfortable feeling - intolerable without distraction. I simply cannot sleep without using my phone.

 

My poor wife...

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Shane88L

Healing is going so slowly, but it is happening. 

 

Today, which is wonderful, I don't feel very depersonalized.

 

I wish I could turn off the circus in my head though...

 

Feelings of shame and embarrassment are coming up. I'm not certain why.

Maybe its because parts of me that I was denying up until recently became exposed due to the withdrawals. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy