Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[Nikki]

I posted in Benzo section on my daughter...she is tapering ativan and is home and is working but in major WD.

 

As for myself I am not sure what is happening.  The taper from nefazadone is different than what I expected.  Not like the Lexapro.

 

After dropping a dose insomnia is an issue.  But there are no flu like symptoms or aches and pains.  I always have morning anxiety so that is there but it is less and I don't know if it is because of how I handle it now.

 

What is happening is that the adrenaline surges are almost constant.  They happen many many times during the day.  Anything can cause it....the phone ringing, a loud noise, a thought.  Thoughts are a big cause.

 

There is no stabilizing period where things come to a halt.  But yet it is much more tolerable than an ssri taper.

 

Crying alot.  Never, never wake feeling refreshed.

 

Have been hating waking up and going thru my life each day.......

 

Hugs

[tezza]

Dear Nikki,

 

I haven't been on lately....my seven year old grand-daughter was here for a couple of weeks and left Sunday.

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I will try to go over to the benzo section and read your post there.

 

You will be in my thoughts and I will say a prayer too.

 

Hugs and love!

[Nikki]

I am not sure what is WD and what is not.

 

I have chronic fatigue - never well rested

Chronic adrenaline surges over anything.  Thoughts, loud noises, wake up with it.

Very low moods - depressed - crying alot.  Easy to cry over anything.

 

Hopelessness - life is something to get thru day after day.

Not tackling work at home.  Important work (paper work)

 

Yesterday I made a decision not to talk about my daughter's situation because I am afraid I sound like a broken record.  Not talk about how I am feeling, again a broken record.

 

I was working on myself for a good month solid and haven't been able to pick that back up.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Having an internal problem with daughter's WD from Benzo......Worried.  Worried she won't be okay.  worried she will pick up and use them again.  To be honest, just beaten up after years of dealing with her problems.  Doctor using Ashton Method to get her off benzo.

 

So tired, physically, mentally emotionally.

 

I don't know what to do.  Trying to sort thru it.

 

If I am on Imipramine and tapering Serzone why isn't the Imipramine working?

 

Need some help today.

[mlrp]

Hi, Nikki,

 

Just a hug from another AlAnon-er. I so very much understand your dread of mornings, and discouragement at feeling as if life is just to be endured. But I see so much courage, strength, and conviction in your posts. Sending you prayers for healing, courage, peace.

[mammaP]

Hi Nikki, it must be very tryng for you when your daughter is so abusive toward you.

When she is lashing out remember that this isn't her, it is the withdrawal and it will pass.

I know that is no consolation when it is going on, but try and stay calm. When she is better she

will be embarrassed by the way she has behaved under the influence of the drugs and withdrawal.

I know I am! 

I'm glad your serzone taper is going ok, and you seem to be getting a handle on the anxiety which is

a huge step forward for you. 

[Nikki]

thanks guys...

 

I asked two people today if the benzo situation with my daughter would cause being so down and they said yes.  I applaud her efforts to get off benzos, however I have been thru many episodes of my daughter using drugs.

 

In my heart, this is the absolute end for me.  Sucks the life out of a parent.  She seems to handling the detox well.  When it is over and she is feeling better I will have a talk with her about moving out.  I spoke to her boyfriend and he is on board with it.

 

I need to live alone and in peace.  I can't help but wonder how much of the anxiety is this issue in conjunction with AD's

 

This taper is very different from an ssri taper.  Much easier.  I do not have physical symptoms other than tiredness and the anxiety and blues.  SSRI's affected me in many ways.  This doesn't.

 

I can't help but wonder why the Imipramine which I am still on at 50mgs. is not helping with anxiety.  It is supposed to.

 

Oh well.....need some sleep.

[alex]

I need to live alone and in peace.

 

ABSOLUTELY!!!

[trouper]

hi nikki,

i believe withdrawal exacerbates our anxiety making things feel a lot worse. this is what I'm dealing with as well. hopefully it won't be this bad once we heal more. i believe our mindfulness and coping skills will be easier to do as time goes on as well when there will be less force.  you will get back into the practice. it may be a good distraction.

[Nikki]

Tezza.....how are you doing?

 

mlrp....I do not know what i would do without Al-anon.

 

trouper the Mindful Meditation Classes are on thursday evenings and I really can't make it....get home too late.  do you know anything about mindful walking meditation?

 

I actually joined the gym two weeks back.  I used to love to go to the gym.  Have been working alot and with this issue with my daughter I just want to go to bed when I get home.  Close the door and shower and read.....

 

Apparently her dose was lowered again and she was not nice when I saw her today....the agitation is intense....I hope this all goes well for her of course.  We all want our kids to be healthy and whole.

 

However.....I have reached the end of the line.  Scared and angry at the same time.

 

Hugs

[trouper]

hi nikki,

it may help if you realize she's not herself right now and to not take anything personally. just have patience. i need to tell my husband the same. it's been 15 months and he still doesn't realize i'm not myself and i don't have as much control over my reactions as i normally would. he really doesn't understand, but he's trying through. i just need to remind him.

for mindfulness i use http://www.headspace.com and i love it. they have a walking meditation you can listen to on your phone but I'm not sure you can access it with the free account. my doctor and therapist tell me to go on mindfulness walks as well. this is what i follow:

feel your feet taking steps on the ground and feel your arms sway. listen to all the sounds around you. smell and feel the air and notice if its humid, dry, cool, crisp, hot. look at the sky and notice the clouds. look at the trees, leaves, nature or city. if your mind drifts, bring it back to your surroundings.

 

here are some youtube walking meditations as well:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=walking+meditation+guided

[Gem]

 

So sorry you are suffering and going through this Nikki.

 

Everything you describe does sound like w/d to me, especially the surges of adrenaline. Things can seem so very overwhelming.

 

Anyone would find it very hard dealing with what sounds like a very difficult situation, at the same time as dealing with withdrawal. You are doing so well to cope with it all, and being extremely resilient.

 

Your feelings are very valid. Do what you can to show yourself compassion and tenderness, you sound like a very caring person and you deserve compassion.

 

It's understandable you haven't been able to get all your paperwork done, with everything else going on.

 

I sometimes found it helpful when things were bad, to 'self-soothe' and just to say a few kind things to myself aloud. I remember a friend advising me to do this to, when things were really bad and although I don't always manage it, I think it does help.

 

Sending hugs to you

[Nikki]

Trouper thank you for the links....I did not know what walking meditation entails.

 

My daughter is doing very well.  Feeling guilty and sad that I did not over ride the agitation and make visits to hospital in spite of her telling me not to come.  Tremendous remorse.  We did talk about it yesterday and I am glad we did.  Feel gutted today.  I didn't do the right thing and i can't go back and change it.

 

Will be heading over to Neuro emotions to read healing's post.  I am there.

[Meimeiquest]

So glad she is better! Yes, people in benzo WD are bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. Guess how I know . What is fabulous is you both made it to the other side, and that is a great success.

[Nikki]

I love my daughter and thank God that she is okay.  She is quite strong for having tackled this.  Like all of us she wants to get far away from meds.  The seizure and the taper takes a tremendous toll on the body and of course very frightening.  Made me cry when she told me how scared she was.  She is tough and pulled thru.....

 

I am down to 45mgs. of serzone from 50mgs.

 

Still at 50mgs. Imipramine.

 

My symptoms are sleep deprivation - waking up at 3-3:15am and not able to go back to sleep.

 

Low mood.  No happiness.  Working.

 

I have been working on catching my thoughts which are habitually negative and turning them around and various anxiety stopping techniques.  Seems to be helping,

 

What is the happiness or lack thereof factor......still don't know if it is drugs or me.

[Nikki]

Thank you Gem....are you sleep deprived?  I am....OMG I wake up at 3am or thereabouts and cannot go back to sleep.

 

I am really sick of WD and the pull it has on me mentally and emotionally.

[trouper]

it sounds like your mood symptoms are exacerbated by withdrawal. sometimes we just got to trudge through until we see light, which is here but just hidden. you are doing great managing your symptoms although it may not feel that way. try to pat yourself on the back for coping and thought stopping. that is huge. i need to practice this more myself.

 

btw, my birthday is a week before yours. that may explain a few things about us anxious folks!

[trouper]

i get the early wakings. i think it's the cortisol and adrenaline still trying to find its balance. definitely withdrawal. it's slowing getting better for me.

 

sometimes when it goes on for so long, i just need to fall down, stop fighting and have a good cry, then pick myself back up.

 

nadia wrote something along those lines here at #19:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6129-the-importance-of-feeling-good/

 

there is a saying i really relate to: we don't cry because we are weak. we cry because we have been strong for too long.

[mlrp]

 

 

I have been working on catching my thoughts which are habitually negative and turning them around and various anxiety stopping techniques.  Seems to be helping,

 

 

 

Nikki, you are courageous and strong. The lack of sleep can't be helping in terms of negative thoughts and anhedonia. Even if you can't sleep, get as much quiet rest as you can. Persevere in substituting positive thoughts for negative ones. Especially difficult when things are rough, but all the more important, and the payoff is mental and emotional fortitude. "This, too, shall pass" is one of my favorite mantras. I write this as much for myself as for you, because my struggle continues, but I hope it helps. <<hug>>

[mlrp]

 

there is a saying i really relate to: we don't cry because we are weak. we cry because we have been strong for too long.

 

That's a keeper, Trouper. I'll use that as a reminder of how strong I really am the next time it all starts to feel like too much. Thanks!

[trouper]

i'm glad you like it

when i look it up it says it's from johnny depp! not sure if that is true or not.  in it's correctly quoted version:

 

"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."

[Gem]

Hi Nikki

 

At the moment my sleep is not too bad, I have some early morning waking but usually manage to get back to sleep.I can relate though - I really struggled with early waking and insomnia. I really need my sleep and this symptom was horrendous for me in earlier withdrawal.

 

I am sure you have probably tried everything but I thought I would mention some of the things that have helped/help me just in case:

 

 

Getting up for a bit when I awake

 

Having something to eat to stabilise blood sugar

 

Reading

 

Magnesium

 

I also made a recording of my own voice on my phone, which sounds a bit daft but was quite effective, just saying reassuring, soothing things related to what

I would worry about at that time of night/morning and also telling myself that things always seem worse at night.

 

Although they are not really meant for dealing with sleep issues, I find Tara Brach's online audio meditations and talks really valuable. ( I use them for meditation as well). Her voice

is really calming and compassionate. She rings a bell at the end, but you can get apps to stop the audio before this happens, such as 'sleep timer'.  www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives-guided-meditations.html

 

Yogic nose breathing (good if I was upset/frustrated/ in a bit of a state about not sleeping)

 

Take care xxx

[Nikki]

Trouper yes....we Virgos are prone to anxiety.....

 

mlrp:  a friend of mine was telling me about practicing "I AM---------" 45 times by either writing or saying it.

 

I think in Kabbalah there is something spiritual about the number 9.

 

I have been doing this and I like it.

 

There are so many things I can add to "I AM---" and sometimes it is okay to just say "I am."

 

Good tool for me...

[Nikki]

I always complain about anxiety ~ well not it's depression.

 

I was managing and then something happened...I have depression.  Been going on a week or a little more.

 

Depression scares me alot.  I have not been able to sleep.  The nefazadone(serzone) taper causes insomnia.  It has been very bad for quite awhile now....maybe two weeks or so.

 

Can the sleep deprivation cause depression?

 

It was so bad I updosed and it was a disaster......I was worse off with depression, foggy, no motivation, just hanging on and getting thru each day hoping to sleep which didn't happen.

 

 

[Nikki]

Something happened and I am not sure what it is.....I went from doing fairly well on this taper and then the sleep deprivation hit.  the last week my 'trying to fall asleep' was interrupted by electrical storms, dog barking all night, daughter works late comes home at 10:30PM, etc. so sleep was not existent.

 

Thing is I could not fall asleep.  If I tried to lay down - I would get bad anxiety.  I used to be able to nap on an occasional Sat. afternoon to recharge my batteries.

 

I assume that lack of sleep can cause depression.

 

I tried to updose the Serzone and it was disastrous.  I was so much worse off.

 

And now I am back to anxiety.

 

I don't know what to do for myself anymore.  45mgs. serzone  50mgs. Imipramine been here quite awhile.  It wasn't too bad in the beginning and now it is awful with anxiety/depression. 

 

I practice recovery tools each night.

 

I can't explain the desperation or frustration I am feeling.  Life is passing me by once again as I cope with this.  I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body.

 

I have 3 good friends who see a Psycho-pharmacologist, and they are all doing very well.  Not poly drugged like me.  I made an appointment (he doesn't take my insurance  (cha ching) but I would like to hear what he thinks in terms of my drug history and a possible solution.

 

You know when there is no sunshine, just anxiety and feelings of depression ~ the what have I done with my life stuff??? I can't seem to infuse hope or the 'positives'.  but I still practice doing it.

 

Serzone/Nefazadone is a horrible medicine.

 

I have a birthday coming up shortly and the thought of being my age and spending time like this in WD makes me ill.

 

Please any suggestions are soooooo welcome

 

Hugs and lots of them

[mammaP]

It's a wave Nikki, and as bad as they are, hold everything and it will pass.  Changing the drugs in a wave is

not a good idea as you've discovered but I know only too well the temptation to do just that! 

I am the queen of insomnia and don't try to get to sleep any more. I just try and relax and meditate on what

is happening around me, as I've learned here. How does my body feel, is the air cold or hot, listen to the building

as it sleeps and the woodwork creaks a little. Any wind or breezes, rain or passing cars. Sometimes sleep comes,

other times it doesn't but I am resting. It does pass and then I get windows when I feel better and can sleep better.

Still never more than 4 hours but I can deal with that because it's better  than nothing. 

 

As for finding someone to advise you about the meds, I don't believe there is anywhere better than here. 

Just ride it out and it will pass, keep tight hold on that surfboard! 

[Nikki]

Mamma P....

 

I guess it must have been a wave.  Last night I finally went to sleep and slept well.  It helped that the house was quiet.

 

When I have tapered in the past, I don't remember having a wave so long after dropping a dose.  I didn't realize that could happen.

 

Sleep for me is crucial...

 

I have alot of regrets over listening to and believing that taking serzone was a viable solution for eliminating anxiety.  It was a disaster and I believed in the person who prescribed it.  Was on three drugs and left to taper two of them just to be on serzone,

 

I am still on two.

 

Yes you are absolutely right about updosing or changing things while in a wave.

 

Thank you....want to go over to the thread on wave patterns.

[mlrp]

Maybe you don't need it as much right now, Nikki, but here's a big <<<hug>>> from a fellow traveler.

 

MammaP has so much wisdom - don't know that I could add anything useful to her observations - perhaps only that all of your perseverence in practicing coping strategies and using your recovery tools, even when it seems as if it isn't working, is really money in your wellness bank. It will pay off in mental and emotional stamina if/when the next wave hits. Good work!! You are stronger than your worst doubts!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Nikki,

 

It has been quite a while since you last posted and I hope everything is ok with you and your daughter. Hope everything is well with you and sending you lots of hugs!

[Hopefull]

Hi Nikki,

How are you doing these days? 

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

Anyone have any updates on Nikki ? Hope she is well