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AbbyElfie

Confusing spiritual experiences in withdrawal?

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cpuusage
29 minutes ago, AbbyElfie said:

Not that I'm advising it as it's controversial when it comes to psychosis, but did you ever try plant medicine of any kind?

 

i tried loads of it all in the past. The diagnoses were - 

Age 17 - severe drug induced psychosis. 
Age 21 - psychotic depression, after a serious suicide attempt. 
Age 25 to current & retro diagnosed to the whole case - severe schizophrenia with good recovery. 

Age 11 to 28 was in serious addiction / alcoholism. 

The medical / psychiatric conclusion to it all was mainly all blamed on the drugs. Now the tide is turning again to the medicinal / therapeutic use of all these substances. Personally i think it is all a very highly problematic area. 

 

i maintain a path of T-Total sobriety. 

 

i have been trying a lot of supplements over the past few years. Lion's main & other non psychoactive healing mushrooms. Loads of different vitamins & Amino Acids, & other herbal concoctions. Ayahuasca essence (non psychoactive). Kefir has seemed the most effective. i don't really notice any differences with any of it. i have also been experimenting with a lot of Rife / Radionic / electromagnetic healing areas over the past 4 years as well, but am sceptical of it all. 

i have been working with alternative / spiritual healers for 17 years & am highly trained as one as well. But i want to step back from the whole area. i do see it all as differential in my own case. i find it all too confusing & exhausting to constantly be debating all the different ideological debates on mental health - i just want to now be free from healers / psychics etc. 

 

 

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cpuusage
49 minutes ago, AbbyElfie said:

I was listening to a lot of Adyashanti this year, about embracing the mystery - our job is to get to that 'edge' of not knowing, and just abide there as long as we can. Over and over.  I've been flip flopping either side of that edge, as we humans tend to do, into intense fear and back out again. It's the staying at that point that is tough, but I've had glimpses of it and I think things are likely more beautiful and simple than we can currently imagine. When you've experienced such fear in your mind/life though, it takes a huge amount of courage to go to that edge, even if there's nothing really to fear.

 

i have had a lot of glimpses of it all as well. My main condition revolves around the experience / vision that i had age 17 - the main theme was the End of the World, also involving Alien & spiritual themes. 

i think it's true, that we are headed to Global catastrophic systemic ecosystem / civilisation collapse. But as Adyashanti says, if that is true then it's simply a case of acceptance / allowance of it all. 

The personal contemplative practise is really the only thing that works with me in relation to it all. i can't seem to get a deeper connection / understanding / empathy / discussion with others around it all. 

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AbbyElfie

You've had it rough for sure. Fair play for managing to experience those things as well. I've had a big sense in the past year of similar, that I need to step back from practices as my mind is just constantly absorbing things as concepts and ideas. I watched a video about a teacher who went through something similar, he remembered reaching the point of deep depression with all these spiritual theories flying around his mind. One day he couldn't take it anymore and, I can't remember exactly, but he just gave up completely. Probably had some kind of ego death and awoke shortly after free of it all and laughing at how simple it all was. Jeff something his name is. But the point was basically he had to surrender all practices ideas etc. and effectively 'die' psychologically. I know i definitely needed to surrender my ideas, even at points my whole idea of myself and what's happening. And I still am. Those are always the moments I break through and know healing is happening. I ofteb wish it didn't have to come to that though, it seems only deep suffering can make this happen. Nowadays I just observe my mind as much as I can, and try to keep bringing awareness down to the heart. Even that goes out the window sometimes. 

 

But as you say, we can only accept and soften to it as much as we can. 

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cpuusage
24 minutes ago, AbbyElfie said:

You've had it rough for sure. Fair play for managing to experience those things as well. I've had a big sense in the past year of similar, that I need to step back from practices as my mind is just constantly absorbing things as concepts and ideas. I watched a video about a teacher who went through something similar, he remembered reaching the point of deep depression with all these spiritual theories flying around his mind. One day he couldn't take it anymore and, I can't remember exactly, but he just gave up completely. Probably had some kind of ego death and awoke shortly after free of it all and laughing at how simple it all was. Jeff something his name is. But the point was basically he had to surrender all practices ideas etc. and effectively 'die' psychologically. I know i definitely needed to surrender my ideas, even at points my whole idea of myself and what's happening. And I still am. Those are always the moments I break through and know healing is happening. I ofteb wish it didn't have to come to that though, it seems only deep suffering can make this happen. Nowadays I just observe my mind as much as I can, and try to keep bringing awareness down to the heart. Even that goes out the window sometimes. 

 

But as you say, we can only accept and soften to it as much as we can. 

 

Yes. i try my best to do the same - observation & heart focused awareness. i still feel bad a lot of the time. 

 

i wish you love, light & healing. X

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cpuusage
44 minutes ago, AbbyElfie said:

One day he couldn't take it anymore and, I can't remember exactly, but he just gave up completely. Probably had some kind of ego death and awoke shortly after free of it all and laughing at how simple it all was. Jeff something his name is. But the point was basically he had to surrender all practices ideas etc. and effectively 'die' psychologically. I know i definitely needed to surrender my ideas, even at points my whole idea of myself and what's happening. And I still am. Those are always the moments I break through and know healing is happening. I ofteb wish it didn't have to come to that though, it seems only deep suffering can make this happen. Nowadays I just observe my mind as much as I can, and try to keep bringing awareness down to the heart. Even that goes out the window sometimes. 

 

But as you say, we can only accept and soften to it as much as we can. 

 

Such a breakthrough has always eluded me. i long to feel good & relaxed inside. To genuinely be able to 'let go'. 

 

i do understand things on an intellectual level, but we are of course dealing with 'conscious spirit' / self realisation / a state of Being. 

 

i have followed Vernon Howard's teachings for years - one of his quotes here - 

"It is not as disastrous as we might suppose to see our own
nothingness; it is actually fulfillment. It only _seems like
disaster_ because of our fearful hesitancy to give up the
false ego-self. We pass through this dark tunnel by first
entering it.

No idea you could grasp will do more to free you from
unnecessary burdens, including false guilts and duties.
Human egotism is hell on earth. How much of the synthetic
human self have you allowed to fall away from you today?
That is the test of today's success."

 

Vernon Howard

The Power of your Supermind, Chap. 2, p. 19

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AbbyElfie

What a great quote! Thanks for sharing. It makes no difference what we know intellectually, it's the embodying of it that makes the difference. I guess we'll let go exactly when we're truly ready to. Wishing you some light this week x

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trenace

I'm muslim and had a confusing spiritual experience for the first half of the year. 

Well basically when my withdrawal really started kicking my ass I was convinced by a friend and my sister that I was posessed by a demon 😂 😂 😂. I then went to many 'spiritual healers' who also confirmed that I had some spiritual disease. In the extremely fragile and desperate state I was in I paid a man to exorcise the demon from my body and mind. He then beat the living daylights out of me for about half an hour whilst yelling prayers into my ear. He electrocuted me with some kind of baton slapped me punched me and when he was done he asked me how I felt. I made the mistake of telling him I felt I had a weight in my head (which is actually brainfog) and he decided to grab a comb and grind it into my head as hard as he could! His arms were shaking from the amount of strength he was using. I then left battered and bruised. Then later in the year when I realised I was in withdrawal I was first shocked at the effects of the drugs then I burst out laughing at how badly I was beaten that day. I've lost all my faith in these Islamic guys but I still pray to God because he's my way out. 

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AbbyElfie
31 minutes ago, trenace said:

I'm muslim and had a confusing spiritual experience for the first half of the year. 

Well basically when my withdrawal really started kicking my ass I was convinced by a friend and my sister that I was posessed by a demon 😂 😂 😂. I then went to many 'spiritual healers' who also confirmed that I had some spiritual disease. In the extremely fragile and desperate state I was in I paid a man to exorcise the demon from my body and mind. He then beat the living daylights out of me for about half an hour whilst yelling prayers into my ear. He electrocuted me with some kind of baton slapped me punched me and when he was done he asked me how I felt. I made the mistake of telling him I felt I had a weight in my head (which is actually brainfog) and he decided to grab a comb and grind it into my head as hard as he could! His arms were shaking from the amount of strength he was using. I then left battered and bruised. Then later in the year when I realised I was in withdrawal I was first shocked at the effects of the drugs then I burst out laughing at how badly I was beaten that day. I've lost all my faith in these Islamic guys but I still pray to God because he's my way out. 

 

trenace!! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this! Thank you for sharing, what a crazy experience. It's really good you found the right resources and others going through similar, there are definitely fanatics and deluded individuals across all faiths and backgrounds. It's great that you could have a laugh about it as well, I hope you're doing better these days?

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trenace
24 minutes ago, AbbyElfie said:

 

trenace!! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this! Thank you for sharing, what a crazy experience. It's really good you found the right resources and others going through similar, there are definitely fanatics and deluded individuals across all faiths and backgrounds. It's great that you could have a laugh about it as well, I hope you're doing better these days?

Everytime I think about it I can't stop laughing 😂. I'm definitely better than I was but nowhere near myself though. Currently sit at home trying to pass time as my days are just so unpredictable but I think I'm getting better so very slowlyyyyy. God's given me a support network and I definitely wouldn't have even made it here without them so soldiering on 👍 Hope your well anyways 

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AbbyElfie
18 minutes ago, trenace said:

Everytime I think about it I can't stop laughing 😂. I'm definitely better than I was but nowhere near myself though. Currently sit at home trying to pass time as my days are just so unpredictable but I think I'm getting better so very slowlyyyyy. God's given me a support network and I definitely wouldn't have even made it here without them so soldiering on 👍 Hope your well anyways

 

I'm not gonna lie it made me laugh. Thank you, I'm much the same in terms of dealing with the unpredictability of each day - makes it hard to plan anything but it's also making me much more flexible and open. I'm glad you've received a good support network, that's invaluable. Once you notice the small blessings in each day the world can open up and you know you aren't alone! Take good care

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cpuusage
1 hour ago, AbbyElfie said:

What a great quote! Thanks for sharing. It makes no difference what we know intellectually, it's the embodying of it that makes the difference. I guess we'll let go exactly when we're truly ready to. Wishing you some light this week x

 

Thanks. Wishing you light & peace as well.

The brain / mind is a wonderful tool / servant & i don't see anything wrong in intellectualism. But of course genuine self / god realisation as i understand it all is beyond the mind / intellect / words / concepts etc. 

 

i have a very odd head today, some days are like this, it feels very highly sensitive. 

 

i have this constant dilemma as to what in my case the condition really is. The major difficulties started age 6 after a major accident / head trauma. i do see things as multi-factorial however.

 

i wish that there wasn't so much debate & controversy around schizophrenia, & the people with the condition.  

 



 

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trenace
2 hours ago, AbbyElfie said:

 

I'm not gonna lie it made me laugh. Thank you, I'm much the same in terms of dealing with the unpredictability of each day - makes it hard to plan anything but it's also making me much more flexible and open. I'm glad you've received a good support network, that's invaluable. Once you notice the small blessings in each day the world can open up and you know you aren't alone! Take good care

I kick myself for it now lol even though I was helpless at the time. Another spiritual guy gave me some prayers written down on paper and rolled up and said to burn them around my head so I was sat in the garden burning these things around my head with akathisia whilst my family just watched from the living room thinking I had finally lost my mind 😂 😂 😂. I've now become an unreliable source of anything in my household ahahahah. Your 100% right tho it scares me that some people don't have support through this! They're the real soldiers defo. 

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cpuusage

"When you have realized understanding, 
even one word is too much."

~~~~~~

The cacophony of words.......affecting nothing.

Disturbing nothing.

Enhancing nothing.

Diminishing nothing.

Seeing this..

...the ease with the absence of words..

...as much as with the presence of words.

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powerback
On ‎11‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 11:28 AM, AbbyElfie said:

I have had immense rushes of positive energy,

Brilliant AE 👍.

 

 

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AbbyElfie
On 11/27/2018 at 6:42 PM, powerback said:

Brilliant AE 👍.

 

 

 

Thanks pb! I'm grateful for it.

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