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Confusing spiritual experiences in withdrawal?

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As I tried to describe in my intro topic today, I am very confused by my experience with spirituality in withdrawal. I was never brought up with any kind of religion, just open-mindedness. My Mum is a little spiritual in the sense she believe we're souls incarnating, learning lessons etc.


When I found Buddhism, my entire life changed. Things also began this way after 2 shamanic ceremonies I took part in where I drank the plant medicine, Ayahuasca. Even after years of mental torture with OCD (prior to withdrawal), and years of asking 'why me?' after losing pretty much everything, I suddenly saw the purpose of it all. That I had to go through it, of course I did. On a deep unconscious level it became all so clear, I laughed a lot at that time because I'd taken the suffering so seriously but knew it was all exactly what I had chosen in this incarnation. It all happened exactly and perfectly as it was supposed to.


Picking up the pieces wasn't always easy at that time. I had left an 8 year legacy of chaos. But it was joyful work, even when difficult. There was now choice, opportunity, manifesting left right and centre, synchronicities, profound meetings and experiences. Stuff I'd never imagine happening.


Then came withdrawal. Since the last few severe waves, all have that has blown to bits. I have 'highs' in withdrawal, not just windows and waves. I don't know if that's unusual. Waves are a torturous level of suffering, feelings of being in hell, my whole life being a lie, images of torture, rape, murder, there's no end to the depth of it. It's a place you can't unsee no matter how much 'recovery' you have. I experienced something similar before medication, during my first random 'episode' of Pure-O OCD as a teen, but withdrawal obviously makes these things a million times worse. My confusion comes from feeling 'split', like I have two completely opposing personalities. In w/d I've gone from being utterly convinced I'm seeing myself as I truly am, and it's way worse than I realised, to feeling blissfully connected to everything. This can happen very rapidly, and has done from the start.


I've pretty much abandoned most spiritual practice at this point. Yet I still have these experiences and days where I see things this way. At this point, I'm more concerned that I have completely deluded myself. That I have somehow managed to confuse spiritual awakening with plain old mental illness and delusion, to compensate for being actually a very dark or even dangerous person. My entire life, every action, thought and behaviour has been thrown into constant question, often to the point of paralysis.


I also know it's common in a Dark Night of the Soul to experience these 'temptation' like thoughts, the shadow self trying to make itself conscious. But the switches and craziness of the whole thing has broken my ego structure in a way that leaves me totally confused. Another 'voice' will tell me I'm just making all this up on some level for attention, or boredom, which would be even more disturbing.


I know a lot of this makes no sense. Thank you if you read this far. Can anyone who experienced any kind of awakening prior to withdrawal (or even during) - through any avenue - share their experiences or give any insight?


Thank you x

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google survivingantidepressants.org spiritual

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Makes perfect sense in that i can relate. Your post reminded me of this quote, "when you are relaxed, that's who you are." I wouldnt interpret your symptoms as your personality traits.


Having a closer connection to the spiritual world can be facilitated by the things we go through with this withdrawal stuff. But personally i dont try to analyze these occurences when im not feeling well. Might be best to just accept them and put them on the shelf for the time being.


Seems like every time i fervently pray for help, the prayer is answered by other people--something they might say, or maybe i get connected up with a good doctor of holistic health practitioner. Or i "stumble" on some really helpful info. God usually speaks to me in a still, small voice, never yells even when i wish he would.


You probably know this but mindfulness is a great tool. Brushing your teeth? Pretend you are at the teeth brushing olympics and your mission in that moment is to only focus on giving your teeth a championship cleaning. Apply that focus to anything. Really helps with the ruminating.

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