DeadArtist: Made vulnerable by antidepressant?

[DeadArtist]

I would like to know if anyone else experienced this. I was very in control, cautious, and quick to have an appropriate fight-or-flight response prior to taking an antidepressant. I am now as well after coming off it. However, while I was on duloxetine/Cymbalta, I ended up in a relationship with someone who I only wanted to be friends with. Almost all if not all sexual encounters were non-consensual. I wasn't attracted or aroused, and I verbally stated my opposition. I froze up every time, though. I'd been put in similar situations before taking medication, but I felt like I was responding to the danger then, either by running or fighting. But on medication, it felt like my reactions were stunted. Seemed like my emotions were trapped and my brain was trying to rationalize them away so I wouldn't know what was going on.

 

And now the memories have been popping into my head every day for about a month, and I'm actually experiencing the emotions that I denied I was having before. I have felt suicidal this last weekend, in part because I can't get it out of my head. I'm suspecting that the duloxetine made me vulnerable to this kind of thing, but the internet hasn't turned up any answers for me.

 

For the record, the relationship was with a man. I am into women. I was physically more capable than him. I just froze every time except the last time, which was the first time I fought back. The other times my flight response would kick in.

 

Edited October 22, 2018 by ChessieCat
reworded about suicide

[ChessieCat]

Hi DeadArtist and welcome to SA,

 

Unusual behaviour has been reported by people taking psychiatric drugs.

 

From:  https://rxisk.org/side-effects-of-antidepressants/

Emotional blunting

Most people who take an SSRI or similar antidepressant will experience a degree of emotional blunting. Some people notice that they are unable to cry or that they no longer care as much about things that were previously important to them. Feelings of love and attachment towards a partner may be affected.

 

People often do not realize the extent to which they are affected until they stop treatment. However, the problem does not always completely resolve and may persist after treatment is stopped.

 

In some cases, emotional blunting can result in disinhibited behavior. A person may say or do things that are out of character or that may be deemed inappropriate.

 

 

 

To get you started please create your drug signature.  This will appear below each of your posts and makes it easier for us to see your drug history at a glance.  Please update it whenever you make a change.  Please make it nice simple by following these instructions (NOdiagnoses or symptoms please - thank you):

• details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
• summary for older than 2 years - just years and drug/s

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

 

This is your own Introduction topic where you can ask questions about your own situation and journal your progress.

 

[DeadArtist]

I'd really rather this not be my introduction topic due to how specific it is and the nature of it.

 

I wasn't depressed and was prescribed this drug by a PCP for something unrelated. My behavior while on it drastically worsened and culminated in this occurrence. Despite the drastic changes, no one said anything about my behavior. I had severe memory loss and only had an inkling that something was off. There was some revelation I had after cutting off contact with this person, which I believe may have been when I decided to lower the dosage. I didn't understand how or why I would ever have a one-sided "relationship" with someone I found so obnoxious and physically revolting. The doctors I saw never asked or informed me about this possible side effect.

 

If I had known about this and the withdrawal, I never would have taken duloxetine. It ruined my life.

[DeadArtist]

Sorry to bump this, but maybe I should be more clear.

 

Did anyone's antidepressants cause them to be assaulted or raped due to these unstated side effects?

 

Both in my case. 😕 Sorry if this is too inappropriate.

[manymoretodays]

Oh DeadArtist,

I'm so sorry.  Sounds like you have had a very rough go of it. 

Have you got any ground support at this point.......meaning close friends or family........counseling of any kind?

I don't think you are being inappropriate.......in trying to find someone, anyone, with similar experiences.  I do know how helpful that can be.

I have not had a similar experience.

Hugs.

 

Here's our link for those who may be feeling desperate or suicidal as well:  For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

In the 3rd post down, there is a number you can call in the U.S.

Warm lines can be helpful as well:  Warm Lines-National Mental Health Self Help
And here's another Warm Line- The Warm Line

And here's a peer talking about her misgivings and then her positive experience with using a warm line:

https://www.madinamerica.com/2014/06/warm-line-expect-call-one/https://www.madinamerica.com/2014/06/warm-line-expect-call-one/

I have used warm lines and most will take calls from anywhere.

And then you can try the 211 for your area.  Online will help you find resources, that are available in your area.  There may be a phone feature now as well.

I know where I live there is a Rape Recovery Center in one of the nearby cities. 

 

Wishing you hope and healing, Love, peace,

mmt

Edited October 22, 2018 by manymoretodays
added links

[DeadArtist]

I have a therapist and am seeing a psychiatrist but that's it, really. My friends aren't very mature and most I can talk to have issues of their own. Family is frustrated with me for secluding myself and even mentioning my issues with the drug.

[manymoretodays]

When did you complete your taper off of duloxetine?

Unfortunately, W/D sometimes leaves us emotional different, for awhile.

I'm going go ahead and give you some links to more information next.  Maybe reading will help. 

I have had my experiences but not quite the same as yours.

Are you completely off medications now?

[DeadArtist]

A year ago I stopped taking it.

I'm only taking a calcium channel blocker for migraines.

Thank you for the links.

[manymoretodays]

Your welcome.  Most of these are stuff about withdrawal.  And yes, a year out, withdrawal can exist or crop on up........even if you were doing better for a bit.  At least that's what we have seen here.  And certainly not to discount your feelings and reactions to things that you are now remembering........just to put it all in perspective........

 

The 10% taper recommendation is a harm reduction approach to going off psychiatric drugs.

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Brain Remodelling

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Dr.Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

neuroemotions

this a term that an early member "coined" and talks about how our emotions can sometimes be amplified, in withdrawal

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

S'okay.  That's a bunch of links that might help abit now......and I'll call you Artist, okay?  Even just to distract from painful thoughts.

Oh.......symptoms and self care........there's a whole indexed list in the first post of this one.........lot's of guided meditations and all sorts of good stuff:  Non drug techniques to cope

 

All for now.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

[manymoretodays]

Oh, and Drugs.com is a great site to keep on file and use anytime to do a quick check on prescriptions and then also drug interactions.  At the top you can plug in the name of a prescribed medication to find out more about it.

 

Please do check if, and before, using OTC(over the counter) magnesium.  Since you may be on a prescription Calcium Channel blocker for migraines.

[DeadArtist]

My doctor made it sound as if I would suffer no adverse mental changes when I was prescribed this. By the time my body adjusted to the medication, my memory must have been so bad that I'd forgotten what I'd been like without it.

 

I wish I had the insight and will to begin tapering before all this happened. My mind feels shattered, and I don't know how to function with it like this. Every time I recall it's like my identity is being rebroken. Over and over.

 

I sincerely hope no one else has dealt with this. This is so wrong.

[manymoretodays]

Oh.  Yes.  No need to beat yourself up.......we've all, or many of us have been through it.   Something.  The ah ha moment of discovery!!  The anger.

You might feel reinforced a bit by going to the MIA site.  MadinAmerica.  Lot's of personal stories there, as well as all sorts of contributors.  Caution though, as you are pretty fragile right now.

Oh someone else has probably been through it........something very similar. 

We have a relationships section here too.......you might relate a bit there, to the stories of others dealing often with someone else who has been affected so much by their prescribed drugs.

Your identity will return.  I think you are young.....respective to the years expected to live.......  My gosh, much time to regain and grow in identity! 

Again, I am so sorry that you have had to endure what you have.  Continue though.  Please.  Endure.  Heal. 

 

Love, peace, healing, and gentle hugs and tears.....and it gets better!  It does. 

mmt

Edited October 23, 2018 by manymoretodays

[GirlfromD]

On 10/21/2018 at 9:04 AM, DeadArtist said:

But on medication, it felt like my reactions were stunted. Seemed like my emotions were trapped and my brain was trying to rationalize them away so I wouldn't know what was going on.

Hello DeadArtist. I'm sorry things are tough, it will get better. I felt the same way while i was on meds, and i where usually very confused about a lot situations and didn't knew how to feel. Now that i'm off, a lot of emotions came back, and it can feel strange and intense, but it is normal.

 

On 10/21/2018 at 9:04 AM, DeadArtist said:

And now the memories have been popping into my head every day for about a month, and I'm actually experiencing the emotions that I denied I was having before.

I experienced this earlier i withdrawal very intense for a couple of months too, now i just get a memory popping up every once in a while, and i think it's supressed memories coming back, and a sign of healing. I know it can feel very uncomfortable, maybe try and distract yourself when you feel bad, I watched a lot of tv etc. and tried to distract myself a lot. 

 

Best wishes 😊

[India]

On 10/22/2018 at 6:57 AM, DeadArtist said:

I had severe memory loss

Although I did not have this symptom going on the ssri's . I have had this withdrawing. My reinstatement has not allayed symptoms. I have just had my memory deficits confirmed by tests done by the nurse at my surgery. Not sure how gp will react but last time he said WD only lasts 6 weeks. 

Also, you speak of loss of identity. I feel this exactly. I found the brain remodelling post very helpful to gain a context around this. 

[DeadArtist]

Thank you all for responding.

 

I don't know if I can live like this. I don't want to. I don't want memories of being a person that I hate. It's not just the situation that I described above. It's that my mind is now polluted with old thoughts and memories from someone else in my body, and my feelings from the past are still there but they're all negative. Panic, anxiety, fear, and anger. It feels like I was being tortured for years.

 

I want to continue living, to achieve what I originally wanted to and to become the person I originally wanted to be. But the pain is so great that I would rather go. I am a very individualistic person, and this drug killed who I was. I loved who I was.

 

Giving up is preferable to any attempt to restructure my identity. I can't think of a rational reason to continue after this has happened.

[GirlfromD]

On 10/23/2018 at 8:22 PM, DeadArtist said:

Thank you all for responding.

 

I don't know if I can live like this. I don't want to. I don't want memories of being a person that I hate. It's not just the situation that I described above. It's that my mind is now polluted with old thoughts and memories from someone else in my body, and my feelings from the past are still there but they're all negative. Panic, anxiety, fear, and anger. It feels like I was being tortured for years.

 

I want to continue living, to achieve what I originally wanted to and to become the person I originally wanted to be. But the pain is so great that I would rather go. I am a very individualistic person, and this drug killed who I was. I loved who I was.

 

Giving up is preferable to any attempt to restructure my identity. I can't think of a rational reason to continue after this has happened.

I'm sorry you're still suffering DeadArtist. It wont always be like this, I'm sure. Here is a topic that may help a little to read. It explains a little about what happens in the brain through withdrawal, hope this helps. You will get your identity back one day, this is a terrible experience, but nothing lasts forever, nor will this level of suffering. Have you read some of the success stories? These reassure that people do heal, and can be comforting to read.

 

All the best.

[Cleerity]

On 10/23/2018 at 1:22 PM, DeadArtist said:

I don't know if I can live like this. I don't want to. I don't want memories of being a person that I hate.

 

Hello Artist:  I am really new around here, also getting help with withdrawing from drugs.  So, I am not the expert in this regard.  But I do a have a lot of experience with self-loathing and self-hate.  Our situations are different (we are all unique), but I can share that I took the abuses I suffered in life and turned them inward onto myself, "as if" I deserved to punish myself for the things that happened to me... !?  Try to turn that anger around.  Anger can be fuel for change, if directed at the right target.  We cannot undo the past, but we can learn, "grow" and heal from it, as have many others whose lives were shattered.  You can find your way to a new and stronger, even more individualistic, you.  A rational reason to continue might be because you actually do possess the love to fight for your self, who you once were and are yet to become.  

 

Wishing you the needed hope and strength to carry on,

 

Cleerity

[JanCarol]

hey DA - I had something like that happen to me once.

 

But I didn't think it was the drugs.  I thought he was messed up, and that I wasn't assertive or strong enough to stop him.

 

But I was on drugs at the time.  I still feel humiliation and embarrassment that happened.  With him. Nearly 20 years ago.

[DeadArtist]

@JanCarol

Do you think now that it may have been the drugs affecting your judgement or ability to manage the situation?

 

I haven't responded  to replies sooner because I was in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks. I'm exhausted and don't want to go into details right now, though. Luckily they didn't discharge me with antidepressants. I'm still on medication, but it's temporary. Not sure if this is related to the duloxetine or it's just me, but I really doubt I would have been having psychotic episodes if it weren't for the duloxetine.