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DevastatedPartner

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DevastatedPartner

I've been amazed reading through this site about how similar all the stories seem to be.

 

Where to start then...

11 months ago I had just gotten engaged to the love of my life after the 3 most amazing years together. Life was great.  Over the course of these next 11 months though it's been tough and it culminated in her walking out on me 3 weeks ago. To say my life hasn't been shattered by this is an understatement.

At the beginning of the year when we started planning a wedding we would have a few disagreements over things. This arguing seemed to increase as months went by about other issues too and I kept thinking at the time why we were arguing because they were things that were silly to be arguing over. Anyway things came to a head in June when after one argument she said she didn't want to be with me. I was shocked.  We were still having fun together and life seemed great other than the odd argument which I thought was normal for most relationships. I managed to convince her that I would change things i thought i was doing wrong and we could work through this issues together and she agreed to.

A month later after I thought things had been good she told me that she had been suffering depression for a lomg time. This was a real body blow to me.  Seeing the person I love more than anything suffering through that was hard. We agreed she would go to the GP and speak to him about this. I asked to come along but she didn't want me there. She was put onto 50mg of sertraline and told to get therapy. I don't think she did get the therapy. 

I thought naively at the time this would help everything and life for the next 2 and a half months seemed great and back to normal. We had put the wedding planning on hold and cancelled all that we had planned before.  We didnt really argue after this and I was making concerted efforts to show her how much I loved her.  We were having less sex but I knew this could be a side effect of the anti depressants anyway. She was also having issues sleeping and being generally fatigued which had been there before the ADs.

A week before we were going to a friend's wedding she went on a hen do and phoned me the morning of the day before she was meant to leave in floods of tears and telling me she missed me and wanted to come home.  She had only been gone 3 days.  We then went to the wedding the following week and it was a great night. We danced, kissed and laughed the night away and then when we got home she sat on the bed and could barely look at me and said she wanted to separate again.

I was yet again shocked by this as there was no indication about this at all.  She said we'd both become different people, that we were more like friends now and that she had to go through this on her own and didn't want to hurt me anymore.  I tried to tell her the only change between us was that the depression had come between us and that we could get through this together but she wouldn't see that.

Over the course of the next few nights we spoke and she told me that she had felt neglected which I was shocked at as we spent nearly everyday together and did lots together. She then dropped the bombshell that this had made her want to cheat on me and that she actually did go and do this.  This was one of the hardest things I'd heard in my life. I decided that we both needed time apart and she then moved out.

We met up for a coffee a week later just to talk and she then told me how she felt it was me who caused the depression. She could recount with great detail all the negatives about me and when I tried to get her to recount all the good times we had she didn't go to any detail.  She said she absolutely can't go back to that as she said the depression was very severe.  You wouldn't have thought she was suffering at all to be around as she masked it very well.

Since all this I've turned the internet upside down trying to find answers as I'm confused. I've read about how depression destroys relationships and how anti depressants don't seem to help them at all either. Since she's been on them she has changed in that she appears to be emotionally blunted, she said this herself.  I've read how they can make a partner feel like they have fallen out of love due to decreasing dopamine levels in the brain bit she won't even consider this.

 

I even went to her gp and told him everything that had happened over the last year and about her upbringing (very broken upbringing) and about a major surgery she had had 2 years previous which may have complications for her in the future and also that her family has a history of depression.  He only told me that I'd given him more information in 15 mins than she had in 3 visits and that not once had she mentioned any issues between myself and herself to him.  I told him the reasons she gave me about things I'd been doing and he said it was strange because those are issues all relationships face.  He also told me had she mentioned any of this he would have advised her not to do anything as making life changing decisions when depressed and on ADs is never a good idea.

What was also strange was that she never told anyone about the split in the next 3 weeks and her sister who she speaks to everyday only knew as much because I'd been phoning her telling her what was happening.  It looks like she was bottling everything up and had been for months instead of speaking about the problems.

At the moment all I feel I can do is let her know I'm still around for her and to be patient until she comes of the AD. I'm not hopeful about this though because she seemed very adamant it was over last time I seen her and I just don't understand this at all.  Everyone said we looked so in love together and I know this is true.

This has actually been the most emotionally distressing time of my life. I've gone from thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams and best friend to it looking unrecoverable and I honestly don't know how it came to this. We always laughed and joked together and generally did everything together. It feels like the person i knew and loved has just disappeared and been replaced by a stranger. Heart breaking.

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PapayaShake

Hello Devastatedpartner

 

Im so sorry to hear that. 

In my case I'm the person who lost their feelings. I am slowly starting to regain my feelings after 2 year of slow tapper. But still, for most of the days I feel numb. I have questioned myself if I love my girlfriend and have felt the urge to leave many times. Then some days I cry and wonder how will I ever be able to live without her. It seems to be common while on this pills. While taking them sometimes little things upset me and feel like the end of the world. I don't have answers but, at least I can tell you that, yes people on ADs can feel like they don't love their partners anymore, believe theres no point in the relationship. It feels natural but those pills make people like that sadly. 

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DevastatedPartner

Thanks for the insight into this. It's much appreciated. The update to my situation is that I seen her a few weeks ago for a coffee and she basically blamed me for her depression because she felt neglected but I can honestly say that I never neglected her at all and everyone I've spoken to has said as much. I basically spent all my time with her. I've since realised that with depression it can be common to feel like there's neglect even when it's not the case.  Since then I've just given her the space she needs and not spoken to her as she obviously associates me with the depression just now. She was home seeing her family last week and I had a chat with her sister and she said her whole family noticed that she's not herself just now either.  Her sister also told me that she may now think her AD dosage is too high and causing issues and she's going to see her GP about this on Saturday and has an appointment with a therapist finally. So that is something positive I really hope.

 

I'm still just going to stay clear for a while and keep in touch with her sister to make sure she's ok then look to establish contact around xmas time and in the mean time just look after myself. Honestly the worst 6 weeks I've ever gone through.

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DevastatedPartner

Had to get in touch with her last night as she got something delivered to my place.  3 minute phone call and it was like speaking to a complete stranger and this is after not having spoken for a month.

 

Soul destroying.

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WakeMeUp

The only way I can get through those moments is to realize that this new person is an imposter. I actually call him "Lexapro" in my head when I visualize him, and see him visually in my head with those vacant eyes and changed tone of voice.  Its the only way that I can actually find the sanity of the situation is to know its NOT him.  

 

I often look at previous posts to help me move through the pain of all of this.  "George" made the following comments some time ago, and this helps me to deal:

 

GEORGE: "I've been through what you've been through and I know it's hard. My wife is now off Effexor and we actually made it work. Believe me when I tell you that your husband is not the person making these bad decisions and hurting you and your kids. He has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's just the Effexor. "He" is not the person that is making the choice to keep taking the pills. He doesn't think logically because people that are on Effexor only care about themselves. This is not your husband. These are people who cheat without any remorse. He doesn't care about what other people want and need. I know it sucks but you can't get mad at him (the real him) for what's going on...you know that it's not really him. My wife got off these drugs and got back with me ONLY because she wanted to. The months and months of me going through hell and begging her to stop acting like a maniac did absolutely nothing. I know it takes everything out of you to see your loved one change into a heartless, emotionless person but you'll see that, once you husband gets off this poison, he'll be himself again and he'll apologize for all of this and he will feel terrible. I was like you in the way that I told myself I was done taking all the abuse and done putting up with it and that it's her loss but what kept me in the relationship (if you can even call it that during that time) is that I knew deep down that that person was not my wife. I've so happy now that I waited and put up with all that crap. She is her old self back and I love her more than ever. Hang in there and don't forget that that person is NOT the man you married and had children with. I had a very hard time distinguishing the two for a long time.”

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DevastatedPartner

Thanks WakeMeUp.  Ye after having read everything I have that's basically what I've been doing. I've also just had to accept that until she gets herself better then there is actually nothing I can do and as sad as that is it's just the way it is.  Even then I have to accept that moving on is the other possibility, though not the one i want. 

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Konjo

@WakeMeUp - Exactly. I also called my ex in my head as 'imposter' or 'body snarcher' etc. For me it was the only way to be sane.

 

@DevastatedPartner - I'm really sorry that you guys are another victims of these horror drugs :(

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DevastatedPartner

Thanks @Konjo, much appreciated. This whole thing has just been the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced. I had to go see her on sunday to drop a package she got delivered to mine. Asked her how she'd been doing and got the stock "fine" response as expected. She told me she's needing glasses now which is strange timing and I've seen blurred vision is a side effect which is meant to clear but doesn't always with ADs.

 

Told her that after she blamed me I was devastated and then read as much as I could and came to the conclusion that no i am not to blame. She then denied blaming me, so just as confused as ever because she definitely did. 

 

Left by telling her that I miss not having my best friend around and love of my life. No response to that which when you consider that she cried down the phone to me that she was missing me after 2 days on a holiday the week before the split just messes with my mind.

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trenace

That's definitely the AD you know. I've only realised literally in the last week what they actually do to your personality. I'm in protracted withdrawal from Sertraline and only this week have I realised that I'm sporadically feeling certain emotions that I haven't felt in two years! Absolute madness, I ended a relationship last year when I first came off sertraline due to boredom 😲. Only realise now shes a pretty good lass and she's still interested but there's nothing I can do because I'm basically a vegetable atm lol. 

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DevastatedPartner

Sorry to hear you're going through that @trenace.

 

She's now just unfriended me on social media. The irrational actions continue.

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trenace
9 minutes ago, DevastatedPartner said:

Sorry to hear you're going through that @trenace.

 

She's now just unfriended me on social media. The irrational actions continue.

I don't know if this will make you feel better. But I once was with a lass who I really liked and she did the exact same thing. Seemed like she begun to hate me overnight, she just popped up to me recently saying she was on medication at the time and it was tough for her and she wants to get together again. Obviously I'm not going to see her due to me being a vegetable lol but she might come around eventually. Give her space and time because trust me man, she may have it alot tougher than you realise at the moment so it's a very precarious situation. 

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DevastatedPartner

I suppose you are correct man. Whatever I'm going through, she's probably going through a lot worse at the moment and I have to just accept that and give her time and space and not take things personally. 

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