☼ JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

[JackieDecides]

a bump in the road:  I moved several states away because I felt like living with an old friend would be good for my mental health. now that I'm here, I have learned she has had a concussion and is much more irritable than she used to be. it doesn't happen often, but she sometimes snaps at me and this is not mixing well with my anxiety. also, she blew up once not "at" me, but I was there for it. now on top of job hunting ( I have one that starts a week from monday but it is a BAD one) I will need to look for somewhere else to live. damn. 

 

yesterday marks one year I have been off lexapro and I wanted to celebrate it...I know I "should" but instead I am back to only sleeping 6 hours a night and feeling more than a little self pity. (when I first got here I was getting close to 8 hours regularly and I was so stoked! but I think it was exhaustion?) and - while willing to accept congratulations - I know I am nowhere near being able to write my Success Story. 

 

things will get better but, damn.  

[Happy2Heal]

damn those bumps can feel more like huge mountains, eh?

 

it sucks that things are not working out great with the roommate. 

Living with others can be hard, and even harder when both people have significant issues of their own to deal with.

 

it's so disappointing when it doesn't go the way you'd hoped.

 

plus you only recently lost your dog, add that to moving and all that you gave up to get where you are now, and of course, you're upset that things are still very tough and not quite what you expected.

 

 

these are life issues complicated by probably still being in recovery- so hey, cut yourself a lot of slack and be super kind to yourself!!

 

ack I gotta run, more later

 

you're a tough cookie, you're gonna get thru this.

who knows, maybe something much better is right around the corner?

 

[JackieDecides]

thank you, H2H, I always appreciate what you have to say. 🤗

 

I have to just feel bad and get things done anyway.

4 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

who knows, maybe something much better is right around the corner?

 

 

wouldn't that me nice?  it's hard to picture but part of me knows that's a possibility! 

[neroli]

Hello JackieDecides

 

I just want to wish you all the best with the new job and finding another place to live.

 

Yo have had a lot of life changes to deal with in the past months, so I agree with Happy2Heal

17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

these are life issues complicated by probably still being in recovery- so hey, cut yourself a lot of slack and be super kind to yourself!!

 

I hope you can find the time and space to be super kind to yourself and hopefully ease off the pressure.

 

Best of wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[JackieDecides]

thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

 

and because the smart people say to, I'm going to list some things I am grateful for:

 

1. I'm going on a meetup hike this morning and, since it is level and they promised "slow paced" I know I can do it.

2. I have a car to get me there

3. I live in a beautiful state

4. the internet exists, so even if I feel alone there are people to "talk" to

5. it's been OVER (2 days now, LOL) a year since I've taken lexapro and I am OK. I will never take it again (willingly). I know I can get better. 

 

ETA:  I have a former teacher/sortoffriend I re-connected with last night. it was nice to talk to her and maybe we can meet up sometime (she lives a few hours away but through bad traffic), however I was sad to hear she "had a bit of a breakdown" 4 months ago and after having been off of AD for years she went back on Celexa. 😟

[Happy2Heal]

 that's great to find the energy to be grateful in the midst of all your current difficulties!

 

 

I hope your hike goes well and that you meet good people

 

oh it's so hard to hear about people going on, or back on, those damn drugs! got a friend who is withdrawing from celexa but decided to accept a low dose anti anxiety med to help her thru it

Not the best idea IMHO, but you can't tell others what to do and all my warnings have fallen on deaf ears- her parents are very pro drugs (even illegal ones) and very pro Pharma so....

it's sad.

we've been brainwashed into thinking that taking this stuff is the right way to go.

 

as if what we suffer from is a lexapro or klonopin deficiency.  

 

 

anyway CONGRATULATIONS on your huge milestone! It will only get better from here.

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

It’s so nice to see you’re doing a gratitude list too. I think Neroli got the ball rolling there. I used to do gratitude lists at home, but I think it’s a great idea to do them on this site as it’s very encouraging.

 

I’m so happy you’re able to get out in nature and enjoy a hike. I’m a massive nature freak. Had the best time the other weekend going for a drive up to the mountains with friends, and going to the bird park. 🏞🦜🦜The birds were amazing! They flew on you, they were so gorgeous! I lost a button🤣🤣

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

[JackieDecides]

10 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

we've been brainwashed into thinking that taking this stuff is the right way to go.

 

as if what we suffer from is a lexapro or klonopin deficiency.

 

exactly! 

 

I met someone on the hike this morning who just started on some AD a week ago and says the doctor told her it would take about 4 weeks til she feels better. all I could say was, what if you would have felt better in four weeks anyway? but of course, you can't tell people, they have already bought into it. 

[JackieDecides]

it seems unfair that having had so much anxiety lately - it's only horrible in spikes but it's been low-level consistent - that I should also have depression but I do.  I suspect it's because the anxiety is so draining that fatigue alone could explain it. 

 

yesterday I was excited to get a job interview scheduled for Monday but since then I have been thinking about what getting the job would mean (and it's the best possible outcome I can see right now): living on minimum wage.  and trying to find another roommate situation right away, this time with a stranger. and, of course, even if I ultimately really like the job (and that isn't for sure, after all) starting something brand new will be hard. 

 

but I keep telling myself anything bad is only temporary and thank god I moved to a state where the minimum wage is almost $3 an hour higher than it was back in NV. 

 

this morning I am thankful for:

 

I'm going to a UU church* this morning and looking forward to that

the weather this weekend is awesome

I have a reliable car (did I use that one yesterday?)

all the books I could ever need are free at the library!! 

this week I have a chance at a job that will mean I don't have to do the horrible call center one that is supposed to start a week from tomorrow, or if I do it will be very temporary.

 

at yesterday's hike one of the women told me she had that job (the one I don't want to start) but for only two months, one month of which was training. She said she got a kidney stone and they told her should could only have 4 minutes a shift to use the bathroom if it wasn't on her lunch/breaks. the cubicles are in the middle of an otherwise huge, empty building and even if I were to RUN I couldn't make it to the bathroom and back in 4 minutes even if I didn't stop to urinate. 🤨

 

*I didn't ask roommate if she wants to go and have been trying to think what I'd say if she does want to - because it would take the fun right out of it if we went together. it's so uncomfortable that I've decided I want to avoid her as much as possible. 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, Carmie said:

The birds were amazing! They flew on you, they were so gorgeous!

 

tell what kind of birds! where you live is so exotic (it seems to me) that they could be anything! 😍

[JackieDecides]

I remember before I moved thinking "I am so lonely" and believing that moving in with this woman would make everything so much better. turns out alone is better than living with someone who makes you uncomfortable. 🙄

 

I got pretty good sleep last night (another thing i am grateful for) but am depressed this morning. ☹️

 

despite having rented a rug doctor and cleaning it the best I could,  my bedroom still smells slightly of cat pee. and I have other complaints. 

Edited June 2, 2019 by JackieDecides
complain more

[Happy2Heal]

oh I am sorry things are not going well with the roommate and the smell, UGH! I can relate there, 

I moved and there's issues with a few of the tenants plus a bad odor....although right now, with all the windows open, the odor is gone. 

 

I woke up quite depressed yesterday myself and in fact spent the entire day just laying around, watching youtube videos, playing words with friends, reading and sleeping. I usually try to force myself to get out or to at least do something productive, but I gave myself a "mental health day" and just didn't do anything if I didn't feel like it.

Most of the time, we don't have that choice, but there wasn't anything pressing so why not just give in to the funk for one day? I mean, sometimes it's ok, right?

 

I hope that today is a much better day for you (and me too- so far so good, I woke up feeling more hopeful, at least)

 

I wish I had words of wisdom about the roommate. Unfortunately  I've got no clue myself how to deal with a situation like that. I seem to absorb the negativity from negative people and find the only way I can keep myself "safe" is to stay as far away as possible. If you can't get away from them- then what? I have no clue.  You have my sympathy, but I wish I had more to offer than that!

Hopefully someone else will come along with something better

 

 

I was reading thru other threads and it seems like for at least some of us, a part of recovery involved having a very hard time being alone. There may be different reasons for different people, but I know for me, I was afraid of being alone mostly because of all the negative "stuff" going on inside my head, and being with someone else was, at times, the only good distraction (reading, tv and being active didn't work) I also had irrational fears that I was the only person left alive (like an apocalypse type thing I guess?) and being with someone else was the only thing that reassured me that It hadn't really happened. I know how bizarre that might sound but omg, withdrawal causes so many bizarre and awful symptoms. 

 

as I have continued to heal, I can look back and see that I made decisions to help me to deal with the symptoms (for example, at some times I would spend time with people who were quite mean to me, but I didnt' care, so long as I wasn't alone! Now I am much more selective with the people I have around me)

I spent money on some silly things that didn't work or only worked for a short time and looking back from where I am now (feeling really good and all) It's easy to think that doing those things and spending that money, and making those decisions, was stupid-

but NO

they were not stupid!!- they were perfectly natural and maybe even necessary attempts to get thru what I was going thru. They were creative things borne from the desire to not give up, to keep on going thru all the pain and anxiety and other terrible symptoms of withdrawal and recovery.

I am thankful now that I kept going and kept trying different things because I finally did make it to "the other side"- to health and wellness and recovery.

 

 

It's been 1 yr and 8 mos for me, drug free, and I am still seeing improvements as more time goes by.

I think it could be the same for you, that you will continue to see things get better and whatever you have done to get thru the hard parts, should be honored and respected and looked at as learning experiences.

 

wow, I woke up chatty, eh? LOL

 

anyway, you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

 

I do believe things will get better for you. Just take one day at a time, or one hour when things are difficult

 

if you come up with any good ideas for dealing with difficult people, please do pass them along! I have a few difficult people here, but at least I don't have them IN my home, they are just uncomfortably closer than I"d like them to be, heh.

 

I have a "recipe" somewhere to get rid of cat pee smell, I will try to find it for you. It's a specific process that involves common household things like baking soda and dish soap and I think vinegar, but the order that they are used in, makes all the difference.

I had to do this on some carpet in my last apartment and it really worked- the first remedy that has ever worked for me!
I will try to locate it, I had kept it on an index card in my files somewhere

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

in fact spent the entire day just laying around, watching youtube videos, playing words with friends, reading and sleeping.

 

I spent large chunks of this weekend just reading, although I did socialize a little bit by going on a meetup hike Saturday morning and to a church service Sunday morning. 

but I also felt "judged" by my roommate, who is constantly monitoring everything I do. 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I seem to absorb the negativity from negative people and find the only way I can keep myself "safe" is to stay as far away as possible.

 

I have made myself so financially poor I can no longer afford to live alone. I wish I could go back in time and realize how hard this would be. 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

a part of recovery involved having a very hard time being alone.

 

I don't think I had this, I think it was just a normal, healthy wish to connect with someone but I rushed into it and made a bad mistake. 

now, I am SO wishing I could be alone but can't afford to rent my own place. not now, and it feels like not anytime soon.

I think the most I can hope for is to go through craig's list and find a total stranger to live with who is quiet, respectful and easy to get along with.  I SO HOPE for this!!!!!!  

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I finally did make it to "the other side"- to health and wellness and recovery.

 

I am so glad for you!  ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

On 6/3/2019 at 8:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

I spent large chunks of this weekend just reading, although I did socialize a little bit by going on a meetup hike Saturday morning and to a church service Sunday morning. 

but I also felt "judged" by my roommate, who is constantly monitoring everything I do. 

 

 

Oh what an uncomfortable way to live!! I don't how I'd handle something like that. I'm sorry that your roommate does this.

On 6/3/2019 at 8:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

I have made myself so financially poor I can no longer afford to live alone. I wish I could go back in time and realize how hard this would be. 

oh I hear you! I wish I could go back in time too and never take any of these awful meds. 

But we can only move forward, right?

 

On 6/3/2019 at 8:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

 

I don't think I had this, I think it was just a normal, healthy wish to connect with someone but I rushed into it and made a bad mistake. 

now, I am SO wishing I could be alone but can't afford to rent my own place. not now, and it feels like not anytime soon.

I think the most I can hope for is to go through craig's list and find a total stranger to live with who is quiet, respectful and easy to get along with.  I SO HOPE for this!!!!!!  

 

Oh I hope for that for you too!!! there are nice people out there, it's just finding them that can be hard. But you're such an easy going and considerate person, you'd be an awesome roommate for anyone who  is looking for one.

Hopefully they'll find you!!

On 6/3/2019 at 8:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

 

[JackieDecides]

thank you, Happy2Heal, I appreciate your kind words! 

[JackieDecides]

today I am grateful for

 

1. a place to live where it is quiet and I can sleep and where I am physically safe

2. at least two people in my life I can talk to on the phone

3. unusually cool weather so the lack of AC has not yet been an issue

4. my car is reliable

5. I can find people here on SA who have recovered and take hope from their success stories!

 

[JackieDecides]

today, although I try to be grateful and think positively, I am also not comfortable in my own skin. it's just been too many weeks - WEEKS - of change and uncertainty. 

 

besides job hunting I have been answering roommate wanted ads on CL and how frustrating!  there are tons of them I email or text and few even answer. I went to see two places yesterday and they were much worse than where I am currently living. 

 

I have so much trouble accepting uncertainty! 😳

😢

[RichT]

4 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

today, although I try to be grateful and think positively, I am also not comfortable in my own skin. it's just been too many weeks - WEEKS - of change and uncertainty. 

 

besides job hunting I have been answering roommate wanted ads on CL and how frustrating!  there are tons of them I email or text and few even answer. I went to see two places yesterday and they were much worse than where I am currently living. 

 

I have so much trouble accepting uncertainty! 😳

😢

 

Me too! I find it so difficult. And you’re coping with a lot of change at the same time.

 

I remember I once worked with a consultant who was changing our  IT systems and he said ‘I hate change’, which I thought was somewhat ironic!

 

R

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, RichT said:

I remember I once worked with a consultant who was changing our  IT systems and he said ‘I hate change’, which I thought was somewhat ironic!

 

wow, it really is! 

 

today's rental I looked at was tiny, crowded, and smelled of cat pee plus it was a much longer drive to where I'll be working next week than I had thought. I guess I need to take a break from looking...or something. I definitely need to stop looking at places where they don't post photos in the ad! 

[JackieDecides]

poverty:  I feel like it's the price I am paying to be off of AD but that's dumb, I had been living way over my income for years just running up credit cards and assuming the future didn't matter since that's how it felt.

 

I guess I have to  learn that feelings do not equal reality! 

 

I start a new job next month that is minimum wage which scares me. I have looked at a lot of roommate wanted housing this past week and none of them were.... well, they aren't good. 

a friend reminded me I am over 55 and low income, and might qualify for an apartment for not much more than I'm paying for a room now, so I will look into that.

 

although I know from listening to a friend that having your own apartment isn't always carefree, depending on what your neighbors are like! 

[Happy2Heal]

sorry that the prospective rentals have been so dismal. I hope you find a good one soon.

 

seems like you just get over one hurdle and along comes another one. I guess that's life...???

 

 

you have gone above and beyond to keep a positive attitude, sometimes it's perfectly ok to just feel crappy (scared, depressed, whatever) when you feel crappy, ya know? that's what I think, anyway (maybe because I've done a whole lot of whining lately *blush*)

I don't know, I think  while it's helpful to feel grateful for what we have, there's no shame in being upset about what we've lost and what we don't and may never have.

right?

 

sometimes things just plain suck

 

[JackieDecides]

29 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

sometimes it's perfectly ok to just feel crappy (scared, depressed, whatever) when you feel crappy, ya know? that's what I think, anyway (maybe because I've done a whole lot of whining lately *blush*)

 

oh, you have not!  we all definitely have a right to feel bad, even vent and complain. 

 

life is hard but will get better soon I hope. or sometime! 

[JackieDecides]

following Carmie's excellent example, I'm going to list some things I am grateful for this morning, no particular number.

 

I can walk 2 or 3 miles without too much fatigue and only get a little short of breath now with uphill.

 

I can sometimes find meetup events that are easy/free/low stress. I was at one yesterday.

 

I have a place to live and can close my bedroom door for privacy, it is quiet.

 

I have been sleeping more lately.

 

I have a job.

 

I have people I can talk to, especially online and some on  the phone. I wish for more In Person, but that will happen eventually, won't it? ❤️

 

ETA one more: I have a Roberta Shapiro CD "goodbye worries" that I love. it hasn't worked so far, but maybe it's helping some? maybe I'd be worse without it? I think so. 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

nice list!! 

 

being able to walk that far is good, sleep is esp good!!

 

having a few people to talk to is good, too.

I think most folks only have a handful of people that they can really talk to easily and get support from, and then a lot more ppl you can just be casually social with.

idk, it seems that way to me at least.

 

 

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Glad to read you’re sleeping well. Glad you have somewhere nice and quiet to live too. I’m so happy you can see some positives in your life. I always feel grateful having a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. We are fortunate to have these things, it’s easy to take such things for granted, but they really are blessings. 

 

Take care, sending hugs 🤗

[JackieDecides]

I started my new job this last Monday, the one that's minimum wage so  I won't be able to live on it. also, I thought it  would be low stress and it's not. at least, this week wasn't. my fear is that I can't do ANY job anymore, I'm too damaged. 

 

I suddenly got less sleep, too. last night I finally got maybe 7 hours so that's good but what a hard week. I only have today off and then start my regular shift next week of 12 to 8 so that will mess with my sleep, too.

 

I'm glad I have today off but, over-all, life is hard. 

 

things to be grateful for:

 

it's quiet at night here

my car continues to have no problems 

there are always books from the library and they are free

 

that's all I can think of

[Happy2Heal]

sorry things are tough right now

 

do you have anything in your life that brings you joy or makes you feel a little better?

 

try not to look too far ahead; you got a job, that's money coming in, that's good!

it's easier to get a new job when you're already employed, so you can continue to look for something better.

you've got people who care about you and who are rooting for you!

 

I'm glad it's quiet where you are, hopefully that will help you sleep better

 

 

got any plans for today?
 

[JackieDecides]

On 6/15/2019 at 5:55 AM, Happy2Heal said:

do you have anything in your life that brings you joy or makes you feel a little better?

 

talking to friends on the phone! yesterday was unusual - got spoke with three people, one of whom I hadn't talked to in years - so that felt great.

 

I had green tea (caffeine!!) while I was on the phone and then was revved up the rest of the day, not in a bad way. in fact, I really enjoyed it - even staying up hours later than usual reading a book. I'll feel extra tired today but I think it was worth it. 

 

today I am grateful for:

 

friends to talk on the phone with! 

the weather continues pretty good - not really hot yet (I'm glad about that since no AC)

one good thing about the job - it gets me out of the house and around different people

I know what to do when I feel bad

looking at "rommmates wanted" places has become less stressful as I feel less pressure to move right away. I can wait until something good comes up.

I have two rooms to look at this coming week, Wednesday and Friday, one of them might be perfect who knows? 

 

[JackieDecides]

I am really anxious to go to work today for no good reason. I don't want to be there, but then I don't want to be anywhere. I am "uncomfortable in my own skin". I will just try to accept everything and float. 

 

I am very lonely. 

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I am really anxious to go to work today for no good reason. I don't want to be there, but then I don't want to be anywhere. I am "uncomfortable in my own skin". I will just try to accept everything and float. 

 

I am very lonely. 

 

sorry you are feeling lonely. it's got to be tough living in a new place, not knowing too many people. I'm sure you'll meet folks and make new friends, just takes a bit of time

 

sorry too that you're having an anxious kind of day, no fun. those times when you don't feel comfortable in your own skin really suck

 

yeh float....

it's hard to do when you're feeling weighed down 😕

 

[Altostrata]

Hi, Jackie. You've made so many big changes recently, please be kind to yourself. Maybe you want to get to this job because you want to learn it and it's a distraction?

 

It sounds like when you are anxious, sleep suffers. This is normal, anticipatory anxiety is the worst, and you're probably still sensitive to it. How are your other post-acute withdrawal symptoms?

 

I have no doubt you will make friends through your activities, such as Meetup or reading groups, etc. It sounds like you're on a very constructive path now, though it's not without its worries.

 

Hang in there.....

[Carmie]

Hi Jackie, 

 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, it’s hard when you’re in a new place, isn’t it? As Happy2Heal and Alto said, you will eventually make friends in your day to day activities. It takes a while to get to know people too. You start of with little conversations, and then as you get to know each other better you start to open up with one another. 

 

So happy to hear you had friends to talk to on the phone this week.

 

I’m really happy to see that you’re still writing gratitude lists too despite the way you’re feeling. Well done!

 

Yes, aren’t those neuro-emotions horrible? I’m sure all of us on here have gone through not feeling like we are ourselves.  It’s weird too how it can change a number of times in the same day. The emotions can be so intense, and then later on we are back to some kind of baseline. Windows and waves certainly are the norm in withdrawals.

 

I hope you managed to float 💚

[JackieDecides]

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It sounds like when you are anxious, sleep suffers. This is normal, anticipatory anxiety is the worst, and you're probably still sensitive to it. How are your other post-acute withdrawal symptoms?

 

honestly? I can't tell.  when I am stressed (and it doesn't take much) I feel like my head is ringing like a bell.  (not a good bell, with pleasant sound) 

 

3 hours ago, Carmie said:

Yes, aren’t those neuro-emotions horrible?

 

I'm not even sure that's what I'm having...?  I think I just have actual, real emotions that I don't (yet) know how to handle. 

 

and that I am super, duper, sensitive to everything and I over react constantly. 

[JackieDecides]

21 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Maybe you want to get to this job because you want to learn it and it's a distraction?

 

it's not a distraction from feeling bad: it makes me feel much worse, at least about 75% of the time.

 

I'm hoping that improves but I'm also going to look for something else. something that is just physical and not working with people? I applied for 2 kitchen and one janitorial job this morning.  it'll be a miracle if they hire me (overqualified! I need to make up a new, fake resume) but I feel better for trying something. 

 

Grateful list for today:

 

I have clean air to breathe!  (after the smoke from CA last summer, I try not to take that for granted)

I am learning more about what I don't want in a job. 😆

getting better at avoiding my roommate - the best way to get along right now

just had a wonderful walk

the weather has been freakishly cold for this time of year which is excellent as where I'm living has no AC

[Altostrata]

You'll pull through, hang in there. Keep at it, solutions will show up.

[RichT]

Sorry you're having a hard time Jackie. Stick with it, things will get better.

 

Warmest wishes, 

 

Rich

[JackieDecides]

thank you both for the kind words.

 

I was offered the janitorial job and I took it. no benefits but better pay and hours and I think/hope/pray less stress. has to be, right? it's pretty straight forward so I can just clean things and relax? not dealing with people and having to think is a good thing, at least for now. 

 

I gave notice to the nursing home job via email and text this morning but there is a good chance my boss will not have seen it before I get to work....awkward. 

 

have not slept well all this week since changing to the evening shift I was hired for so I basically gave a 1.5 weeks notice IF and only if I can work days and not evenings after this week. we'll see what he says.