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JackieDecides

JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

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JackieDecides

I just found your forum and joined, have yet to add to my signature (do I not add lexapro since I am now off of it?) - I am excited to read more of your success stories and ask questions. thank you!

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Gridley

Yes, include Lexapro, the dosage, how you tapered, and when you came off it, as well as current drugs.

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JackieDecides

thank you Gridley, I added a signature and am open to suggestions (delete BP and PPI med?). 

 

I was extremely encouraged after reading the book A Mind of Your Own by Kelly Brogan as she made me understand my mind is in my brain which, like the rest of my body, is designed to HEAL if I just support myself in healthy ways. That book was what made me finish the taper - had I known how bumpy it would get for a couple months I would not have had the courage!  such a tiny dose - averaged out to 2.5 mg a day - how bad could that be? 😳

 

I am much better now than I was then but it's a long way to go. and, of course, Winter Is Coming. 😉   well, I mean that seriously since I know I have more depression in the dark days. 

 

I will try to stop posting (much!) now and do more reading so I don't just ask what has already been answered. thank you so much for this forum! 

Edited by JackieDecides
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JackieDecides

Doxepin worked for insomnia the first two times I took it. last night was the third time and, while I was "out" for 7 hours (much better than nothing) I should have been out longer based on how sleep deprived I am this week. I was awake at 4:22 and couldn't go back to sleep. so that's disappointing.

 

on the other hand, I have a CBT book for insomnia that I can read this weekend, it's called Quiet Your Mind and Get To Sleep. The hardest thing will be that I am supposed to GET OUT OF BED when not sleeping when I know I can spend hours, literally, feeling like I am ALMOST going to sleep and that's not good enough. I also might change how I am weaning down Omeprzole based on reading some threads here.

 

Edited by Altostrata
fixed formatting

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JackieDecides

I don't understand how I messed up that last post and I can't seem to edit it for some reason. (fixed by Alto)

 

what I wanted to add is I am going to look at changing how I am weaning down (off isn't even a hope right now) omeprazole based on the threads about PPIs I read here. 

this post looks normal, wonder what happened with the last one. 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
added note

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Altostrata

Welcome, JD.

 

How are you tapering omeprazole?

 

How are you feeling now? Did you have any new symptoms after you went off Lexapro in May?

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JackieDecides

thank you, Altostrata.

 

my taper off was at a glacial pace and since I'd been on just 5 mg every other day for a long time (wild ass guess 2 to 4 years? my memory is terrible) I thought the last step down would be uneventful, just a  bit of extra depression and anxiety.  wish I'd have found this site earlier! 

 

 For the first maybe 4 or 5 days after I stopped I didn't notice anything different but suddenly I felt this wave of euphoria, it was great.  my sense was that my entire body had blew out a giant cloud of relief and that this was how I was going to feel forever.

 

after that,  it got bad. I'm not even sure if I was depressed because I was so anxious, but I did have periods of crying. I figured that seemed normal and would go away soon (and it did) but I couldn't think.

 

in retrospect stopping right when I didn't have a full time job was a terrible idea...but I don't think I could have handled a job for the months of June and July anyway, so maybe it was lucky. I did have a very part time job and I remember trying to compose a simple e-mail to my boss took me an incredibly long time. I couldn't focus;  it was scary. I had word-finding difficulty while speaking - just a blank hole where a simple noun used to be - and writing took forever. this hasn't completely gone away as writing this was pretty hard! 

 

I have been able to work full time since September but so far that's all I do. I barely get through the work days and on days off just get through the chores of life - I don't have a normal life to "get back to" because I never created one: no family and  I have drifted away from my friends who all live in other states anyway.

 

I read A Mind of Your Own  and I now believe that not only did Paxil and Lexapro not help my depression, I believe they created my bi polar II symptoms, which puts me at odds with every doctor I've had.  but after I got off all the other drugs (which I was only on a matter of weeks) and  decreased Lexapro from 20 to 15 mg, the hypomania went away and hasn't been back. 

 

I have been on omeprazole 40 mg for 10 years and about a month ago I started tapering by every third day only taking 1 pill and skipping the second. I now think that was too fast so I'm rethinking that plan. I might just continue this for now as I am also reading Quiet Your Mind and Get Some Sleep and I think treating my insomnia should be the first priority.

 

I am working on getting another, less stressful job, while trying to keep in mind I will have anxiety no matter where I work.

 

Although I have had mild to moderate depression forever, I haven't had a major depressive episode for decades. Since this will be my first winter without an SSRI, I worry I am at risk for this, especially since reading about the "10 month wave". hopefully, I am prepared.

 

also, I haven't had health insurance for a long time (hoping to get a new job in the next month or two) but now I have a concierge doctor who is excellent for basic stuff like my blood pressure issues. I would guess I should have some mental health support but at the moment I don't have the money for that,  so I read self-help books! 

 

thank you so much for this forum. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides

today instead of skipping the morning omeprazole, I took half of it. so far, so good. not sure if I should do this only every three days or more often but guess I will wait and see how it goes. 

 

plan to order a light box off amazon today since it's November and I always get S.A.D. in November. 

 

dreading my  10 hour day at my soul sucking job tomorrow but  at least I have a job. seriously. 

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JackieDecides

I think I am having a wave but it's more like a tidal swell. I mean, not as awful but more diffuse and insidious. maybe. so I posted in the PPI thread asking about tapering dose after reading about the dose suggested and I remember thinking, yes but that doesn't apply because...I don't know. 

 

I definitely can't think as well as I used to or as I need to for a better life. I sure as hell hope it's the decades of pills and not that I'm just not very bright any more* and no improvement possible. I feel like I am not sick enough to be here when everybody else has it so much worse (or they are so much better they are here as success stories). 

 

yesterday at work I could NOT figure out someone's age from their year of birth. I kept coming up with 70 and it should be 80. I figured I should be able to do simple arithmetic in my head but, no, I couldn't. when I got home I could do it.

 

reading the CBT insomnia book and day #2 of filling out the log. had a giant carb binge last night, ugh.  so now I drink decaf and plan to make today better. 

 

*my Mom had an extremely fast moving dementia (turned out to be CJD the sporadic version) and I am terrified I also have it. just waiting inside me. she used to have insomnia...

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WiggleIt

Dear JackieDecides,

Welcome to the forum!  SA has given me so much comfort, support, and knowledge, and I hope it can do the same for you.  

I don't like to overstep my bounds on SA when responding to people, because I do not have as much knowledge as many others here, but I'd like to offer you some support and encouragement based on my own WD experience.  You mentioned that you can't think as well as you used to.  Well, I couldn't either, not for a long time, but it's improved.  I had blank spots in my memory, problems recalling vocab, etc.  It was disconcerting, terrifying.  I often referred to myself as "retarded" because of how low I functioned compared to before psych meds.  But, again, let me stress how greatly I've improved.  What you describe your brain going through—that feeling o not being smart anymore because the meds have battered your brain power so much—is something everyone here has gone through, and it's written about all over this site.  You'll see how many people's brains came back to them.

Have you cruised the recovery stories?  That's a great place to be.  When I was in acute, I printed out several recovery stories and read them over and over again, highlighting the most hopeful parts.

I had to re-learn how to dress myself, no joke.  My mother had to dress me and pick out my clothes for several months because I couldn't figure out the proper order to put on clothes.  I'm happy to say that not only can I dress myself again, but I'm also back to being actually stylish.  My point in telling you this is to reassure you more that your brain will come back to you <3

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JackieDecides

thank you so much, WiggleIt, it is helpful to read your words. 

 

I have been reading some of the success stories & I agree they are excellent.  but I don't consider myself in acute anymore - I was last summer. now I am back to working full time. so I feel like others are having symptoms that are so much worse I am not sick enough to be here! (or well enough to be a success story) and it's been decades so I expect if I do get my brain back it will be a long time. and I don't have a normal to return to.

 

slog on! 

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JackieDecides
1 hour ago, WiggleIt said:

Have you cruised the recovery stories?  That's a great place to be.  When I was in acute, I printed out several recovery stories and read them over and over again, highlighting the most hopeful parts.

 

one of my problems here is there is SO much good info. I had started reading the "Best of SA" thread this weekend but only got to page 2. I think maybe I should read the Windows and Waves Pattern next since I believe I am starting a wave. or am in one. or something. but besides the tons of info here, I need to read my CBT insomnia book. 

 

 I only found the windows and waves thread because I clicked on your recent posts and you'd been there. 

 

so let me say again, I found your post very helpful and THANK YOU. 

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WiggleIt

Hi JackieDecides,

You are working again?  That is WONDERFUL!!!  Okay, with that kind of progress, I'll bet your brain comes back to you sooner than you think it will.

Have you tried gentle reading exercises?  One of the things I've been doing over the years is to read as if I'm a kid learning to do it all over again.    Seriously, I've gone from comic books to kids books to teen books, and I would have to stop at the end of every page to remind myself what I read.  It's a slow method, but does seem to help gently with memory retention.  I hope to able to read complex novels again someday, the way I used to, but I do think this reading methods has helped me some.  Since you are already doing so well, the same method may help you a LOT!  Give it some thought :) 

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JackieDecides
5 hours ago, WiggleIt said:

Have you tried gentle reading exercises?  One of the things I've been doing over the years is to read as if I'm a kid learning to do it all over again.    Seriously, I've gone from comic books to kids books to teen books, and I would have to stop at the end of every page to remind myself what I read.

 

yes, I have been reading for months - started out with books for kids, seriously, like Catwings and currently I've been reading I Capture the Castle; just had to start over when I was two chapters in but that's OK. I often keep a list of characters while I am reading because otherwise I forget who is who. 🤨   I am also re-reading books I've read many times like Agatha Christie's novels. 

 

I feel out of place on this forum because I am doing so well as far as out of acute WD and on to the long term stuff.

 

but I am 57 and have never been good at long-term (you can't imagine a future when depressed so of course you can't PLAN for it!) and I don't have a lot of time to turn that around.

 

thank you so much for reading and responding, Wiggle It! 😍

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jaxlin
4 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

yes, I have been reading for months - started out with books for kids, seriously, like Catwings and currently I've been reading I Capture the Castle; just had to start over when I was two chapters in but that's OK. I often keep a list of characters while I am reading because otherwise I forget who is who. 🤨   I am also re-reading books I've read many times like Agatha Christie's novels. 

 

I feel out of place on this forum because I am doing so well as far as out of acute WD and on to the long term stuff.

 

but I am 57 and have never been good at long-term (you can't imagine a future when depressed so of course you can't PLAN for it!) and I don't have a lot of time to turn that around.

 

thank you so much for reading and responding, Wiggle It! 😍

 

I can understand that at 68 I feel exactly the same and sometimes wish I'd just carried on taking the pills. Planning 1 day ahead is difficult. I find reading helps as well, word puzzles too stops the mind from wandering...

 

Edited by ChessieCat
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WiggleIt
12 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

yes, I have been reading for months - started out with books for kids, seriously, like Catwings and currently I've been reading I Capture the Castle; just had to start over when I was two chapters in but that's OK. I often keep a list of characters while I am reading because otherwise I forget who is who. 🤨   I am also re-reading books I've read many times like Agatha Christie's novels. 

 

I feel out of place on this forum because I am doing so well as far as out of acute WD and on to the long term stuff.

 

but I am 57 and have never been good at long-term (you can't imagine a future when depressed so of course you can't PLAN for it!) and I don't have a lot of time to turn that around.

 

thank you so much for reading and responding, Wiggle It! 😍


Great minds must think alike because we are both using the same methods of diving into kids books!  I really do think it's a solid strategy... plus, it's FUN, and I think that fun is far underrated for adults.  Why did we EVER stop reading kids books?  If it took a tragedy to rediscover the joy and innocence of kids stories, so be it.  Let's use them to heal and let's not apologize for it!  

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JackieDecides
21 hours ago, WiggleIt said:

Great minds must think alike because we are both using the same methods of diving into kids books!  I really do think it's a solid strategy... plus, it's FUN, and I think that fun is far underrated for adults.  Why did we EVER stop reading kids books?  If it took a tragedy to rediscover the joy and innocence of kids stories, so be it.  Let's use them to heal and let's not apologize for it!  

 

I totally agree with this, 100%, reading is about my favorite thing in the world. 

 

 

On 11/8/2018 at 11:14 AM, jaxlin said:

I can understand that at 68 I feel exactly the same and sometimes wish I'd just carried on taking the pills. Planning 1 day ahead is difficult. I find reading helps as well, word puzzles too stops the mind from wandering...

 

do you feel like you are getting better, even if it is slowly? 

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JackieDecides

I think this winter I am feeling the cold more than previously; it's not totally out of the question that this might be an off-Lexapro thing, is it? I have been giving this a lot of thought because I was on it for so long - decades! and before that Paxil! - and my taper off was so long and slow (years!) that is makes sense what I'm noticing now that I'm out of acute WD is all pretty subtle (albeit pervasive) like trouble concentrating and other cognitive issues and then there are the FEELINGS. emotions, yes, but also my body seems to feel pain more and have more trouble coping with lack of sleep and so on.

increased ability to suffer!

I tell myself that I will get better and then I will have increased ability to feel joy and all the other pleasant feelings and increased ability to tolerate the bad feelings.

now I'm going pick out and read a success story here. 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Just wanted to say thanks for your lovely message. 

 

Yes, definitely a good idea to read those success stories. I can also relate to your brain problems but I had them before already due to CFS, though withdrawals haven’t helped. Twice this week I tried to use the NutriBullet and I hadn’t even plugged the thing in!😂 The other day I was looking for my hairbrush n guess where it was? In the kitchen cupboard!

 

You really have to laugh at yourself. I don’t get stressed over losing little things or doing silly things anymore. That’s life! 

 

I get cold like you too n then I get really hot. Some days I’ve gone from turning on the heater to turning on the air conditioning. We have temperature dysregulation in withdrawals. I always wear layers if I’m cold as I don’t know whether I’ll be hot again later n it’s horrible if you’re wearing something really warm n can’t take it off. 

 

It’s not fun when we can’t feel joy, I totally agree. I get anhedonic a lot, but I do get times where I can actually feel again too. It’s a great feeling when we can really feel happiness. One of these days withdrawals will be a thing of the past n happy feelings we be back.

 

Take care, sending hugs 🤗

 

 

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JackieDecides
2 hours ago, Carmie said:

It’s a great feeling when we can really feel happiness. One of these days withdrawals will be a thing of the past n happy feelings we be back.

thank you, I really look forward to feeling REAL happiness, in color and 3D or something.

 

😊

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Carmie
6 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

thank you, I really look forward to feeling REAL happiness, in color and 3D or something.

 

😊

 

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Won’t that be great. Anhedonia is the weirdest thing. Mine comes n goes. I’ve been down the Coast twice within the last few months. The first time I went with friends n I could feel things as I wasn’t in a wave. The second time I went to visit my sister n I was totally numb, I still made myself go to the beach etc but I couldn’t feel anything.

 

Even when I’m totally numb I still make myself do things that I would normally like. It’s a good distraction anyway. 

 

Take care💚

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JackieDecides
4 hours ago, Carmie said:

The second time I went to visit my sister n I was totally numb, I still made myself go to the beach etc but I couldn’t feel anything.

 

 that is so sad. at least you know that this is temporary although I'm not sure that helps.  when things are bad, it  feels like it's forever, doesn't it?

 

I was listening to an audio book about loving kindness meditation and it said you have to practice everything. so when I feel bad I tell myself I have to practice doing whatever it is - just functioning, usually, but sometimes it's trying to admire the clouds in the sky. if I can't feel any enjoyment I at least try to practice it. 

 

not sure that makes any sense but I just got 6.5 hours of sleep so I'm pretty stoked. 

 

thank you for your post, Carmie 😘

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WiggleIt

Dear JackieDecides and Carmie,

My anhedonia eventually healed completely.  

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JackieDecides
25 minutes ago, WiggleIt said:

Dear JackieDecides and Carmie,

My anhedonia eventually healed completely.  

it is SO helpful to read this and know it's possible. ❤️

 

sometimes it seems like I "feel" more when it's fiction, or otherwise not happening to me (like seeing something sad on TV whether it's a drama or it's on the news). in fact, I'm pretty sure this is true.

 

I am so out of touch with how lonely I've been - decades! forever! I can barely feel it.  but every weekend I run away from reality by over-eating or otherwise like I did last night. 😐

 

 

Edited by JackieDecides
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WiggleIt

I think art and fiction and writing are there to help us feel, so it's totally okay and normal that you engage in these narratives and feel them deeply.  I don't know what I'd do without fiction in my life.

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JackieDecides
On 11/17/2018 at 6:09 AM, WiggleIt said:

I think art and fiction and writing are there to help us feel, so it's totally okay and normal that you engage in these narratives and feel them deeply.  I don't know what I'd do without fiction in my life.

lordy, that is so true. don't know how I missed this post, I guess I read it and forgot to respond?

 

this weekend has been horrible as my dog had a flare up of pancreatitis ( I assume, the vet wasn't open) so lots of worrying, not nearly enough sleep, stress stress stress.  I am up for a different job (my current one is horrible) and they are about to make me an offer so I was worried about that. it will be a low offer and I will have to negotiate which I have historically been very bad at. I want to take anything just to get this part over with! then of course I am worried about starting a new job and all that involves. 

 

my insomnia has been so much better I forgot to come back and talk about it!  I've just accepted that I can't get 8 hours or anything close and try not to worry about it. I usually get 5 or even 6 hours (feels like heaven!) but then there are the nights when it's 2 to 4. but it's heaven, as I said, compared to a few weeks ago. 😊

 

going to work today I will be worried about my dog at home, worried about when/if I'll be contacted by the new job, and this is on top of the usual stress/worry at my current job. I want to say to people, I'm barely hanging on by my fingernails, don't you know my nervous system is TIRED. I have depression! I have anxiety! I have damage from decades of taking lexapro, don't ask me to function right now!!!!! The worst thing is I still can't always THINK - try to talk to people like a professional when a word - some word I know very well - just disappears out of my mind and leaves a big gaping hole where it used to be. 

 

but instead I smile, try to remember to do the breathing exercises, and just put one foot in front of the other. 

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JackieDecides

I had been thinking I am feeling the cold so much more because of going off of lexapro (what the heck?) but finally figured out, DUH, I've lost almost 20 pounds since last winter.  from going off lexapro, yes, but THAT is why I am so damn cold. BRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Yep, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other, take an hour at a time or a minute at a time sometimes.

 

You made me smile, you were feeling cold but realised that’s because you lost twenty pounds😀. Good for you! When I was first put on Quetiapine I put on lots of weight but it all fell off after I went on an extremely healthy autoimmune diet. I’m around 62 or 63kgs now but would like to lose a couple more. I was always around 55kg but at my age now I start looking too gaunt when I’m super thin. I’ll aim for 58kg or maybe 57kg. I lose weight easily, I just have to put my mind to it, it’s not a priority at the moment. 

 

Funny how our brains go when in conversations. I can be in the middle of a conversation n totally lose my train of thought. If I get distracted by something that’s another matter totally. Brain, come back down to earth, pretty please. I don’t get stressed about it though, I just laugh. Why get upset about something you can’t change? 

 

I hope your dog is okay. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides

I am definitely in a wave, albeit a low slow one - more like a tide. I think it's been about a week but it's difficult to say; kind of scary how I tend to be not as "In Touch" with my mood as I could be. I feel like OH NO BAD FEELS MUST DISTRACT instead of facing things and trying stuff that might help. although I did do some cardio and back stretches yesterday, that was good. 

 

This morning in the shower I found myself angry over an on-going problem with my landlady and the same angry words I wanted to say to her kept repeating over and over in my head. I hate that! Then I thought, aha, I really have been much more anxious this week  - it's a WAVE. it's nice to have something to call it. 

 

I had been "coping" in the ways I have all my life like eating sweets until I'm sick and putting off things that need to be done. those ways never worked before and don't now.  yesterday at the grocery store I was pushing my cart down the aisle saying to myself "remember how the pie didn't help? remember how the cookies ended up tasting too sweet and you felt yucky?" but I still came home with more cookies and some ice cream. I had some of the cookies last night (too sweet!) but stopped after not too many. as I was eating them, I told myself "this is not going to help that you are anxious and lonely and have nobody to talk to" and also forgave myself for having them anyway.

 

in good news, I was offered a new job (now stressed about starting it!) and I did better than I expected I would in negotiation. I also exercised some yesterday which is good. and I emailed my cousin and asked if we could talk for a few minutes even though I knew she was busy - we talked maybe 5 minutes. it was so nice to hear a friendly voice! but it was hard to ask. 

 

I spent a bunch of money trying to get my dog diagnosed and learned I spent the week treating her for something it wasn't. damn. anyway, she has been acting better and we have an appointment at the regular vet this week - might have to do more tests like x-rays, etc. 

 

reading a book about worry and one of the things I find SO true is, I prefer to assume the worst rather than accept and deal with the uncertainty of not knowing. 

 

one of the things I have trying to do to exercise my brain is when I get the red line of mis-spelled words, I try to fix them without just clicking on spell check. baby steps!

Edited by JackieDecides
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Happy2Heal
On 11/26/2018 at 9:22 AM, JackieDecides said:

I had been thinking I am feeling the cold so much more because of going off of lexapro (what the heck?) but finally figured out, DUH, I've lost almost 20 pounds since last winter.  from going off lexapro, yes, but THAT is why I am so damn cold. BRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

oh me too!

I was never cold on the lexapro

 

now I feel cold when it's 70 degrees

 

I always kept my apt at 62 during the day and 58 or less at night,  but that feels way too cold to me now

 

I'm putting on more and more layers all the time

pfffffffffft

 

I lost a lot of wt too, about 40 lbs in 2016 

I gained back a tiny bit but have kept pretty steady the past year

 

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JackieDecides

I hear you - used to keep the house at 62 degrees all winter but can't tolerate that well now, even with a space heater for the bathroom and an electric blanket. not to mention the long underwear and and other layers! 

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JackieDecides

Last night was the first time in I don't know how long - months! - that I slept more than six hours! I was tired and was in bed and asleep by 8:30 and slept until 2:30. then I stayed in bed and get more. dunno how much, but I am stoked. 

 

yesterday I felt kind of awful but I know today will be better. sleep is SO important! 

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JackieDecides

yesterday I started a new job and my anxiety is way up. Despite this I did sleep almost 6 hours last night and I'm grateful for that. I did 15 minutes of cardio when I got home even though it was hard to make myself, mostly because I know it's the best thing for anxiety and I was scared not to!

 

this job should be less (consistently) stressful than the one I finished last Friday but not until I learn the basics and get competent at it. I am almost phobic about technology and so learning my new ipad and doing the online training is scary as hell. plus I am around strangers and I can't just make a joke about how mentally ill I am. not sure how much effort I am putting into pretending to be not anxious but...a bunch, anyway.

 

I do have real trouble learning tech stuff but I also make it worse by being so anxious about it. 

 

but things will get better, I know they will. 

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Happy2Heal
12 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

but things will get better, I know they will. 

 

 

great attitude, Jackie!

and you're right, things will get better

starting a new job is stressful for anyone, starting while going thru all this stuff adds a little extra "spice" if you will

 

but you're strong and you can do this! you've already got great coping skills in place and are using them :)

good for you

 

I get anxious about tech stuff too, you should see me with my new "smart" phone LOL if you ask me those things are not quite smart enough 😕

 

 

do you ever use epsom salt soaks, maybe after your cardio? that can help with anxiety too sometimes

 

 

 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Just wanted to wish you all the best in your new job. You sound much more tech savvy than me. I’m hopeless. 

 

Keep up that positive attitude of yours.

 

Sending sunshine your way☀️☀️☀️

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JackieDecides
On 12/18/2018 at 5:41 AM, Happy2Heal said:

do you ever use epsom salt soaks, maybe after your cardio? that can help with anxiety too sometimes

 

I did try it once, after reading about it here. I didn't notice any difference but now have a supply for when I feel like I need it. and a hot bath always sounds good since I have been so cold this winter! Monday I was wearing long underwear while riding around with my supervisor (new job is in Home Health) and she only had on short sleeves!

 

 

10 hours ago, Carmie said:

You sound much more tech savvy than me.

 

I try not to, but keep comparing myself to the other, younger, newbies who are so much more tech savvy. I made a mistake not getting a new phone before this when I would be better off if I'd already made that decision and coped with the change.

 

my main way to cope with "new job" stress is to counter it with gratitude for not being at the old, terribly toxic job. this one will have challenges but it will be so much less bad!!!

 

another stress is trying to act "normal" with my new co-workers. in the car with my supervisor she is puzzled by the fact that I don't have family and have trouble describing what I do with my weekends - because saying "sit around being depressed" is not OK. it feels like all I CAN do is try to deal with symptoms and there is little time for doing "normal" things I can then describe. so I'm all tense about that. 

 

at least I can talk about it here!  that really helps. 😊

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