☼ JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

[JackieDecides]

On 9/11/2019 at 4:53 AM, Happy2Heal said:

my feeling is that sometimes "depression" is our body telling us we need to rest, and it's a good idea, IMHO to listen to our bodies

 

unless our body says eat an entire chocolate cake, then maybe we might want to argue with it about that

 

don't know how I missed this post!  yes, I have trouble trusting my body since eating cake and then more cake and then more cake is one of the things it sometimes thinks we should do. 🤨

 

5 hours ago, xyz said:

Try to set a healthy daily routine and stick to it no matter how you feel.

 

 

yes, this is key - don't let bad feelings lead to bad choices. 

thank you for your support!! 

[Happy2Heal]

5 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

don't know how I missed this post!  yes, I have trouble trusting my body since eating cake and then more cake and then more cake is one of the things it sometimes thinks we should do. 🤨

your body told you to eat cake and more cake...? 😂

 

ok I take it back, don't always listen to your body, it's misleading you lol

 

but  hey, once in a while a bit of a treat is a good thing. 

 

[JackieDecides]

I have been too busy to even feel grateful let alone post a list lately. that's good, actually, since I am earning more money. I am grateful to earn more money! 

 

a healthy eating guru I got to hear speak in person and really like is Doctor Ann. She always has science to back up what she preaches and here she is talking about food and mood.  

 

the short version?  you know, if you don't have 4 minutes to listen?  eat more fruits and vegetables to feel better! 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

yes, it really is.

 

I think I haven't yet made it back to "healthy" more because of the decades of not taking care of life because of not caring (bcause of the AD) than because of the physical damage to my brain from the AD, but it's hard to know for sure.

 

but all those years I didn't care that I wasn't making a family, a social network, wasn't saving for retirement or otherwise planning ahead, THAT'S what I'm bogged down by now. otherwise, I'd have posted my "success" thread already!

 

whatever the reason, it is a long road. 

 

 

[Carmie]

How are you doing Jackie?🧡

[JackieDecides]

Hi, Carmie

 

I am getting along - about the same, I think, still have a moderate amount of anxiety (about work) - which is better than the extreme anxiety I had all summer! and I have a moderate amount of depression, which I think is from the climate. 

 

but I am settling in and believe that the worst is over and I am getting past all the changes that I've had. I feel like we turn a corner after the solstice and by Spring I think I will be much better. 

 

so, still challenged but hopeful, thank you for asking! ❤️

[FarmGirlWorks]

@JackieDecides: you seem to know exactly what is probably effecting the anxiety/depression. Glad to see you're improving. That is hopeful!

[Rhiannon]

Hi Jackie! 

[JackieDecides]

18 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

Hi Jackie! 

 

Hi Rhi! 

[Carmie]

Hi Jackie, 

 

Thinking of you and hope you’re coping okay today🧡

[JackieDecides]

Hi Carmie! thank you for thinking of me, I am mostly doing OK.

 

I still struggle but am very relieved the days are now getting longer and I find that helps. This winter the worst thing is a gained about 14 pounds and that doesn't feel good. (hint: it's not muscle!) 

 

I try to keep remembering how bad it was last summer since now it isn't nearly as bad but I think I am having significant anxiety or depression maybe (very rough guess) 50 - 70% of the time as opposed to 90 - 100%. but it's hard to keep perspective! 

 

I am trying (not always successfully) to be more social in real life and to be online less, so I don't come here regularly anymore.

 

but I hope to some day feel ready to post a thread about my success! just not there yet. 

[Carmie]

Great to hear you’ve had some improvements Jackie, 

 

Sorry about your weight gain. Yes, winter and comfort eating tend to go hand in hand sometimes, don’t they? At one stage I put on a lot of weight with the Seroquel, but I lost it after eating extremely healthy. I love healthy food, but sometimes when under stress we can go for that comfort eating.😁
 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

 

 

[JackieDecides]

I have been having insomnia for almost two weeks now. That is all. 😔

[Happy2Heal]

aww so sorry to hear it Jackie

 

anything going on in your life that could account for this, or do you think it's a wave?

 

hope it passes quickly if it's a wave

[JackieDecides]

thanks, H2H, I appreciate the good wishes. 

 

I really don't think of myself as having waves, not for a long time. things get worse or better but, not sure why, doesn't seem like windows and waves. 

 

my job got more stressful last week and the week before I knew it was going to so that's the reason. but I'm guessing! sometimes things get worse randomly, I think. and in general I am doing so much more so life gets harder. I have to be a grown up now and I didn't learn those skills when I was younger! 

 

I am trying to keep in mind that I can choose to do better self-care no matter how I feel but doesn't always work. this morning, for example, I just had caffeine even though I'm going to a Meditation group in an hour.  well, all we can do is keep on keeping on. oh, and Carmie is a good reminder to write down what we are grateful for.

 

I am grateful for all the wonderful people I've met in my new town/area.

I am grateful for the longer days, oh BOY am I grateful.

I haven't seen ants in my kitchen for a few days! I'm sure they aren't ever going to be gone forever but I'm glad to see less of them.

 

I'm grateful for the internet. 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

@Leo1983   I had just been saying in Happy2Heal's thread that I am currently stressed out by the pandemic because I can't go socialize with people the way I have been, just when it was getting more pleasant. 

 

  I moved where I now live just last year and so don't have any friends or family in this town and was starting over. I began trying to socialize by joining groups and going to events and so forth and I would do this even when it increased my anxiety to the point that it was no "fun" at all.  so it felt like a chore I had to make myself do: go meet up with strangers and pretend to be normal. 

 

I had just gotten to the point where, at least some times, it actually was fun. or much less uncomfortable, at least. and now I am stuck at home alone again! 

 

not sure what else you want to know. 

 

[JackieDecides]

this is about how everyone is feeling about the pandemic and it's not fear (although we have that, too)

 

that uncomfortable feeling is grief

 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

OMG: I *just* sent that link in my post in response to you!!!

[Leo1983]

Hi.

 

I guess i wanted to know if you were sociable before meds without any issues/anxiety?

 

Was it a process to socialise again, how long did it take. 

 

I used to love visiting family, going out with friends, having friends over to the house. However since my CT i have changed alot and struggle when im around people, the anxiety and the dopey brain make me less confident. 

[JackieDecides]

8 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

OMG: I *just* sent that link in my post in response to you!!!

OMG! 😀   I love it!

[Happy2Heal]

13 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I had just gotten to the point where, at least some times, it actually was fun. or much less uncomfortable, at least. and now I am stuck at home alone again! 

 I can so relate  to this!
I was just getting to the point where I felt I had the confidence to find a new volunteer position and then this stupid virus comes along

 

grrrrr

I understand the frustration!!

 

 

[JackieDecides]

7 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

Hi.

 

I guess i wanted to know if you were sociable before meds without any issues/anxiety?

 

Was it a process to socialise again, how long did it take. 

 

I used to love visiting family, going out with friends, having friends over to the house. However since my CT i have changed alot and struggle when im around people, the anxiety and the dopey brain make me less confident. 

 

Leo, I don't know how helpful my life can be since we are so different. but just looking at your signature can see you have all horrific WD and that's going to influence everything, including how you feel/act/are around people. 

 

yes, it's a process and it will take as long as it takes. the same as other symptoms of WD you have. 

 

the good news is: you have family and friends!  some day your struggles will be less and you will continue to  have family and friends! 

[JackieDecides]

here is my update. I was waiting til my head was clear to write it, but that might not happen.

 

the last few days I've had a headache which is probably from allergies (feels like a sinus headache about 80% of the time) but which I, in my anxiety, keep thinking is the start of getting Covid19.

 

I work doing therapy in nursing homes so there is no way to work from home. my biggest fear is I might have spread the virus from one facility to the other, even though I took all the precautions I was told to. but what I was told would change literally every day! hard to have confidence in the system when everyone is just winging it like this. and to be given a paper "disposable" mask in a plastic baggie, and told I need to disinfect it after using, let it dry (when is there time for that?) and then put it back in it's baggie to use again tomorrow is unbelievable. it's really what you would do in a third world country. 

 

and I'm getting 2 to 4 hours of work at most, so I have all the worry (and I am so tired every day) but not making much money. 

 

and I have more free time but don't know where it goes. I am having trouble just keeping up with people by text, email, PMs, posting on forums so I guess I must be on the computer a lot more but not keeping up, either. 

 

well, anxiety. it makes me much more scattered and less productive. I wish I knew what was coming next, but nobody really does. 

 

😞

 

[Leo1983]

Ok.

 

Thanks for that. I just want the mental stuff to go so i can move forward. I feel like my brains in prison and im waiting to show people it wasnt really my mental health it was this withdrawal all along. 

[Leo1983]

I hope you keep positive as possible in relation to Covid-19. 

 

Im sure your guna be just fine! 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @JackieDecides: this morning, a little angel was on my shoulder that said, "check in on JackieDecides." What can you do but follow the voices in your head (😏)? How are you? Wishing you health and good vibes.

[JackieDecides]

thank you for thinking of me, @FarmGirlWorks I am still able to work some and, like everyone else, becoming very tired of not being able to simply go out for a meal at a restaurant or walk to the library. 

I could be a lot worse (and have been, in fact) so that's always good. 

 

I will check out your thread to see how you are doing. 😍

[WiggleIt]

Just wanted to come by and say hello.  My heart is so touched to read that you do therapy in nursing homes.  Of course, the conditions you describe currently during COVID-19 are... unspeakable.  But you are quite incredible for what you do <3 

[JackieDecides]

thank you, WiggleIt, but I have been knowing for years now it's not a job I want to keep doing as I get older. I'm 58 and won't be able to retire anytime soon (maybe ever) so I need a job that's physically easier. I am thinking about going back to school if it's online and I can figure out a way to afford it and train for a desk job.

so far, I can barely get started with researching what jobs there are, what schools are accredited, and just everything going into try to decide on a course of action. then trying to make that happen! 

 

nonthing like a pandemic (even if it seems to be in slow motion where I live) to make you want a job you can do from home! 

[JackieDecides]

On 4/24/2020 at 5:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

I am thinking about going back to school if it's online and I can figure out a way to afford it and train for a desk job.

 

wow, I can't believe I felt capable of doing something new when now I can barely just keep doing what I'm doing.  

 

well. 

 

I think I need to go back to posting what I'm grateful for EVERY DAY. so I'm going to. 

 

 

I'm grateful for clean air

I'm grateful for work, to make money and to distract me from my worries

I'm grateful for a paid off car that has been reliable, even if old

 

 

[JackieDecides]

last night the crown came off my tooth, again. this is an old crown and I'd just gotten it put back on and was happy the bill wasn't too high. so, of course my first thought was, well THIS is going to cost a lot more. which it is. I've decided to try to be grateful that it doesn't hurt! and to attempt to worry less about money. I have a place to live and a car: I'm doing so much better than some. I'm out of debt for the first time in years! I'm up to broke! 

 

I'm grateful I have a job

and a place to live

and a car 

and I'm grateful my nubbin (it's not really a tooth anymore) doesn't hurt - even when drinking hot beverages

I'm grateful I don't have to work today, the weather forecast is good, and the air quality is good! my tiny air purifier finally shipped (and the smoke is forecast to come back)

oh, and I had another covid test this week that was negative so I'm grateful for that. 

 

today I'm going to try the TRE that JanCarol posted about and see what happens. 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

11 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm out of debt for the first time in years! I'm up to broke! 

wow this is FANTASTIC news!! I understand being broke sucks, but being out of debt, that's gotta take a lot of weight off your shoulders

 

so sorry about your tooth!! that really sucks. what a great idea to focus on the fact that it doesn't hurt instead of what it's gonna cost... 

I hope you can get it fixed soon though. Your "nubbin"... that's a cute name for a tooth stub. sounds like a term of endearment ❤️

 

good to hear the air isn't as bad, I pray for you guys to get rain and for these awful fires to stop.  the air purifier is a great idea. 

 

you've got such a positive attitude. it is incredibly hard to maintain that under difficult life circumstances and what with all that's going on around us these days!

 

you've reminded me that I need to stop and think about all the things I have to be grateful for and stop thinking so much about what I don't have. thank you for that ❤️

 

I can fall into these awful pits of self pity sometimes! 
 

 

 

may only the best things come your way.!!!

[JackieDecides]

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

you've got such a positive attitude.

 

thank you, Happy2Heal, I think that about you and find inspiration in your posts. 

 

often I am faking it - I fall into the pit of self-pity, too.  and one of the things I want to do is slept less time on the internet. 

BUT I decided being grateful once a day was a good plan so I might as well do it here.

 

this morning I am grateful for free time

I am grateful for library books

I am grateful for clean air so far this morning

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

this morning I am grateful I have a job 

I am grateful for the truly excellent water pressure I'm about to enjoy in the shower

I'm grateful for my Happy Light, which I think will help some (just started 2 days ago)

I'm grateful I have a dentist that I trust and hope I can get in soon to replace this crown. 

I am very grateful for the almost clean air, which continues. (AQI is 50 this morning and could be a lot worse)

[JackieDecides]

this morning I am grateful for 6 hours of sleep

I am grateful for clear air

I am grateful for a job

I am grateful Drum Circle meets tonight (no telling how much longer we can meet outside)

I am grateful for the tea I am drinking

[JackieDecides]

I am decaffeinating myself and today I am down to one cup of green tea, followed by one of decaff green tea. this is a struggle so I am Dragon Ass this morning. the workday will be stressful, though, so when that starts happening I will be glad not to be so irritable. 

 

someone I know who lives on the Washington coast just posted he had "two more days until it starts raining until April" and I thought, sheesh, it's much better than that here even though I'm in a river gorge so the sun disappears much earlier than it should, so:

 

I am grateful I don't live where it rains every day all fall and winter. 

I am grateful for clean air