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JackieDecides

JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

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xyz

Hi Jacky,

a new job can be stressful but it is good that you are not in your old toxic environment anymore...

i deal with the same insecurity at work too. younger, smarter new co-workers, but we all feel this sense of inadequacy and they will feel it too when they will reach our age (if they are not already feeling it)

at least, this is what i tell myself.

 

sometimes i try to remember to take more than i give. i think that we are not being selfish enough you know.

if i tell myself, okay this is just a job, that will give me something to distract from my withdrawal while i am redirecting my life. 

no need to fit in, heck with the comparison. then the sense of inadequacy, feeling not good enough, slowly melt away.

i get this all the time too, several times a day if this is of any comfort.

i even found a prayer (i am not kidding girl) when the feeling get too bad, please don't laugh, here you go:

 

"Dear god, let me be content with WHO i am and WHAT I have, and WHERE you are leading me.

Help me have a mindset of confidence, courage, and thankfulness all day long . Amen"

 

 

2167f2f500cbd4337a34fd8d5c053e01--be-thankful-be-grateful.jpg.d40e7e49167084ba51b07779e5e85537.jpg

 

 

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Happy2Heal
2 hours ago, xyz said:

"Dear god, let me be content with WHO i am and WHAT I have, and WHERE you are leading me.

Help me have a mindset of confidence, courage, and thankfulness all day long . Amen"

 

 

not Jackie, sorry for the intrusion, just wanted to say I love that prayer, do you mind if I use it? it says everything that I need to be telling myself every day

 

 

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JackieDecides

that is a very nice prayer, XYZ, thank you! 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Just popping in to see how you’re doing? How is that new job of yours going? 

 

Sending hugs🤗

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JackieDecides

Hi Carmie, thank you so much for asking!

 

my new job is going to be a lot better than the old one (which was so toxic and stressful, "I can't even") but I find the change to a new one stressful, too, and have to remind myself every day to be grateful. when I struggle with the technology ( I have to use an Ipad to document, and I'm doing training online) I tell myself it's good exercise for my brain to have to do something that I find hard.

 

and, everybody here knows what it's like to be struggling and have those bad voices in your head - well, it's MY voice even worse! - "you made a mistake! you will never get this right" and so on.

 

this weekend I have to sign up for benefits and I'm dreading it. even though it's been stressful not having health insurance for a couple years now, it's also stressful getting it. I won't understand a lot of it and am aware that no matter what I choose the insurance will be crappy because that's all most people can have anymore in this country. BLECH. and I'll have to decide if I keep my current concierge doctor or what...it's expensive but it might be worth it, not sure. 

 

it's cold and dark out there but we have to keep on keeping on!  and I am looking forward to spring  and in June it will be 1 year off lexapro and maybe I can then write my success story.

 

or it might be too soon, then, I will decide later.

 

😍  < thank you , Carmie! 

 

 

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JackieDecides

for months I've been thinking that the only feelings I get in real, 3D are BAD ones - those come in loud and clear, UNFAIR! 

 

well, yesterday I had a very vivid, good feeling while watching PBS - NOVA did a show on Apollo 8 and the feeling I had watching it was AWE. a very good feeling. didn't last long, but I'm grateful for it. I would recommend the show to anyone, btw, very interesting mission and - it turns out - every bit as momentous as Apollo 11. 

 

today, back to only the background noise of low-level anxiety and nothing else, UGH. at least I know it is temporary. 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

I’m happy to hear that your new job is going well. Yes, it must be stressful though changing jobs, and when one is going through withdrawals everything feels a hundred times more stressful. 

 

Did you get your health insurance? I pay for health insurance myself, but here in Australia our public hospitals are all free and some doctors in general practice bulk bill so they’re free as well. 

 

I’m glad you’re picturing spring time. It will give you something to look forward to. We are in summer here, it’s quite warm. My aircon is getting a good workout. I only have it in the bedroom, and I spend most of my time in there so it comes in very handy. I’ve made me bedroom so cheery. I also have a tv in there. I don’t watch tv, but I watch DVDs in there, and I watch Netflix in the loungeroom. I hate tv, it gives me a restless energy. 

 

I’m so glad you were able to feel some really great positive feelings, even if it was for a short while. I remember at once stage in a wave my anhedonia was so bad, I couldn’t feel any joy. One day I walked outside n I saw beautiful yellow flowers next door, and it was the first glimpse of joy peeking through the numbness I had. I went next door and started taking photos. I’m a bit of a photoholic, was one before the digital age. 

 

Here’s to getting more glimpses of joy in this journey 💚

 

 

 

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JackieDecides
On 1/1/2019 at 3:20 AM, Carmie said:

Did you get your health insurance?

 

no, not yet. my new job started Dec 17 and if all goes well I will have it March 1st. but health insurance in this country is terrible and I find the entire subject extremely stressful.

 

in other news I was in a big window yesterday and now it's gone. not sure if I am back to what's passing for normal or if this is a wave again; can't tell. 

 

recently I realized I have become someone who turns on the TV "for company". all those years - decades! - I was lonely down to the bone and didn't realize it because I was drugged enough to not care, I used to look down on people who did that. 

and yet I always wanted to watch old sitcoms I'd seen a million times with people Andy Taylor and his Aunt Bee in them for some reason. 

 

I want a do-over. 🤨 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

I’m sorry you haven’t got your insurance as yet, that must be stressful for you. We don’t have to worry about that here in Australia, though I still have private health insurance anyway. 

 

I’m glad you had a big window even though it disappeared again. It helps us see we will stabilise again when we get windows.Are you getting any more windows? 

 

It looks like you have a good distraction with your shows. When going through withdrawals it’s definitely time for self care, doing things just for the sake of doing them n finding distractions to help us cope. I hope you find many more distractions to help you cope. I hope you’re doing okay at work. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Hope you’re finding your old shows to be a good distraction. I love Murder She Wrote, I have a few seasons on DVD,  I must get some more. The coolest lady detective ever!  Sending hugs🤗

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JackieDecides

something I am having trouble remembering: I am doing so much more than I was last summer. I am working full time for heaven's sake, that's a big deal.

so now when I am feeling bad about not being normal, I need to remind myself how far I've come. but it's not easy.

 

On 1/10/2019 at 12:46 AM, Carmie said:

Hope you’re finding your old shows to be a good distraction.

 

sometimes this is how it works - or this is how it starts.  but one of my biggest distractions is binge eating, and it is, of course, terrible for me. that and mindlessly scrolling on facebook - telling myself I'm keeping "in touch" with people - go along with watching TV shows I've already seen so many times I have them memorized. rather than comforting myself, I am boring myself! 

 

I had binge eating disorder forever, including when on AD but it's back much worse just lately. I am not just distracting myself from withdrawal, I am distracting myself from life itself, and that's the real problem.

 

I feel I could benefit from old fashioned Talk Therapy*, but don't know where to start. I will have benefits March 1st but first I need to figure out how to use the health insurance and find a doctor and decide if I'm going to keep my current concierge doctor and I am overwhelmed just thinking about any of it. 

 

 *wouldn't it be nice to do it anonymously?  but then the cost of it is a problem. 

 

I wish I could trust myself! I feel like somebody better at it ought to be in charge of my life. I called myself "Jackie Decides" because when I am feeling good, that's who I am or want to be - the person in charge. but over the long term, I have learned not to trust myself. I am constantly falling off the daily exercise train or letting the organic greens turn to black slime in the fridge while I eat junk food. 

 

it's Friday: I should feel good about that. but weekends are hard, too, no work but no people to talk to, either.  well, I am invited to a party on Sunday, but will I go? I don't know.

 

I haven't been to church in months, now, it's too far way! the people there are too good, all the time volunteering and doing good works, where do they get the energy? it's a Unitarian Universalist Church and - when I feel good - I think their values are exactly what I want for myself. but when I'm there, I feel incredible envy - they all seem to be retired (I'll NEVER be able to retire!!) and happily married and, frankly, rich.

 

well, this was a bit of a rant, wasn't it? guess I'll go get ready for work now. 😐

 

 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Wow! You’re doing well if you can work full time. It’s always good to see how far we’ve come. I’ve still got many years to go to get off the last 7.5mg, maybe ten if I do the brassmonkey slide next. I can’t taper by 10%, only by around 4% to 5%, and I won’t be jumping off until I’m down to 0.0something. I will continue to modify things though according to how my body is doing.

 

I’m so sorry that you end up binge eating while watching tv shows and the like. I know therapy can cost a lot. I’ve found the thing that’s helped me the most with different emotions and problems has been FasterEFT. I have a friend that’s a practioner, but I haven’t been there for that for ages. You can do itself though at home, it doesn’t cost a cent. I don’t find just talking about things releases the emotions connected to whatever is our problem. A lot of the problems are because of what our subconscious is holding onto. I’ve been really slack with doing it this year though.

 

Take care, and continue to keep us updated on how you’re doing. This is a good space to journal your journey. Sending hugs🤗

 

 

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JackieDecides

this weekend I socialized twice and I don't have anyone in my life to tell this: it was exhausting. I feel like I have trouble enjoying myself when I have to spend so much time trying to act normal, do you know what I mean? I have to remember to hold back from saying "I am frequently so anxious I can barely work, but in general things are better than they were last summer" instead of "fine, I'm fine, how are you?". 

 

I was just at a birthday party for a one year old boy at a bowling alley and I needed that beer I drank: it was loud and I had to participate in a sport I haven't played for decades and was never any good at. in front of people I know, and some I don't. 

 

I don't mean to complain, I just mean I now feel like I need a REST and instead I have to go back to work tomorrow. all week. 🙁

 

on the other hand, I often feel that I actually do better on weekdays because I have structure and I don't dare do things like have regular caffeine: fear of high blood pressure and anxiety in general keeps more on the straight & narrow, if that makes sense. 

 

geez, I haven't had been in a long time. 😏

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JackieDecides
On 1/13/2019 at 7:09 PM, JackieDecides said:

geez, I haven't had been in a long time

 

I have no idea what I meant by that.

 

it's true weekends might be harder for me than weekdays: I keep trying to "change the channel" but in ...less good ways. instead of using exercise to perk me up I use half-caff coffee. instead of mediation for anxiety I have alcohol. and the binge eating gets worse when I use cannabis, which I think is a totally OK recreational option if I only used - just like alcohol, caffeine, and sugar - rather than abused.

 

I wonder how much time and energy I waste running away from unpleasant feelings? 

 

one more week of training at my new job and after that I am out on my own. it's so dumb to be anticipating the anxiety instead of just knowing I can deal with it when it arrives and not letting it poison the week before. 

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JackieDecides
On 1/11/2019 at 4:15 PM, Carmie said:

I’ve found the thing that’s helped me the most with different emotions and problems has been FasterEFT.

 

I don't know, Carmie, I looked at youtube videos and it just doesn't appeal at all - I'm glad you are helped, though.

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Carmie

 

4 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I don't know, Carmie, I looked at youtube videos and it just doesn't appeal at all - I'm glad you are helped, though.

 

Hi Jackiedecides, 

 

I hope you find something that helps you with your binge eating that appeals to you. I found myself though that FasterEFT helped so much with emotions connected to anything. I take a bus that goes past the hospital, and every time I went past the hospital I would get a feeling of being trapped and enclosed because I had spent three months in hospital after getting hit by a car. It was like going past a prison.

 

After I worked on the emotions I no longer have any negative feelings when I go past the hospital. I just had a look at YouTube and the FasterEFT video number 81 is entitled: How to get rid of food compulsion. Sometimes you have to do quite a bit when working on a specific issue, but it’s always helped me. The tapping might help you with stopping alcohol and cannabis too. There are practioners around if you don’t want to do it yourself, though doing it yourself doesn’t cost anything.

 

I hope you find something that works for you.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

 

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JackieDecides
14 hours ago, Carmie said:

I just had a look at YouTube and the FasterEFT video number 81 is entitled: How to get rid of food compulsion.

I will look for that and give it a try, no harm in trying!  thanks, Carmie.

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JackieDecides

I am at the end of my last week of training for my new job and the stress level has really gone up. I am basically telling myself that horrible feeling of anxiety I have been having is just like when I had insomnia (and lived!) it's unpleasant but I can function anyway and it is temporary.

 

the important thing is not to make it worse by having what I guess Claire Weekes calls the "second fear" where you are afraid of the fear. because it's easy to fall into worry and, well, everything else that makes things worse. 

 

the worst thing is trying to cover up - I have to pretend to be normal since it's not OK to share my mental health challenges with co-workers - but it's so hard because anxiety makes my mind go blank. then I might as well be stupid because I can't think of words, can't remember, can't FOCUS and so on. 

 

GAHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

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FarmGirlWorks
On 1/4/2019 at 5:50 PM, JackieDecides said:

recently I realized I have become someone who turns on the TV "for company". all those years - decades! - I was lonely down to the bone and didn't realize it because I was drugged enough to not care, I used to look down on people who did that. 

and yet I always wanted to watch old sitcoms I'd seen a million times with people Andy Taylor and his Aunt Bee in them for some reason. 

 

I want a do-over. 

Oh definitely. I want a do-over too. Years ago I watched "Frasier" and "Friends" marathons and am so, so ashamed of that. If I could do-over those times... well, I can't.

 

When I feel bad now, I want to binge-watch something on Netflix or Hulu (it is so easy to get sucked in). I usually do not succumb but the struggle is real. I've been thinking of why I watch tv (or, more likely, listen to podcasts) for companionship a lot these days. There is the loneliness factor and being afraid of silence. There is a comfort factor: when I was little, my family would always have dinner with the tv going nearby -- a mutual experience with no conversation. When the tv was going, it was safe from my mother's unpredictable rage. And then there is an easiness to it. Energy is required (like you mentioned about bowling) to socialize. It exhausts me (plus I am half-deaf from a surgery many years ago so more energy is expended anyways trying to hear) but I love it.

 

And, hell, I read SA a lot when I am feeling bad because of the comfort that other people are going thru this too.

 

So the concept of a "do-over" makes me think of how I will look back at this period. Tweaking is necessary while I heal and major changes soon. Thanks for bringing it up.

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Carmie

Hi Jackie, 

 

Yes, such fun trying to act like nothing is wrong when withdrawals are bad. I’m so sorry it’s been so stressful at work for you. I’m glad you’re putting Claire Weeke’s strategies into place.Well done! Here’s to continuing to float through our symptoms.💚

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JackieDecides
9 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

So the concept of a "do-over" makes me think of how I will look back at this period.

 

this is a very good point.

3 hours ago, Carmie said:

Hi Jackie, 

 

Yes, such fun trying to act like nothing is wrong when withdrawals are bad. I’m so sorry it’s been so stressful at work for you. I’m glad you’re putting Claire Weeke’s strategies into place.Well done! Here’s to continuing to float through our symptoms.💚

 

thank you, I think yesterday was the worst  - finger's crossed - but if it gets worse again? I can't handle it. 

 

just like the insomnia. 

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Carmie

Hi Jackie, 

 

Just wanted to say, I hope today is a better day for you.💚

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JackieDecides

most of last week and over the weekend was awful, but today I can finally DO something about it: it's my first day of the new job (after 6 weeks training) and today I go out and DO the job. I am nervous, like a 7th grader who has to present a paper in front of the class, and while Saturday was much better (I was nervous but got things done anyway) Sunday was awful. I just ran and ran away from the bad feelings. I drank wine, I over ate (ugh) I didn't do my exercises, and so on. 

 

I felt so lonely and reached out to a couple people and got nothing back.  but my cousin, who is the only family member who cares about me much, did say I could call but I felt like I wouldn't be able to speak without crying and I know (even if she says that this is OK) that it would make her uncomfortable. so I drank wine instead to numb the bad feeling. we did facebook pm a bit, but that isn't as real as a voice, is it? 

 

when I read about those of you who have family and/or friends (or both!) I try not to feel envy but usually I don't succeed.

 

I am so lonely!  and I don't even have a workplace where I can hang out since my new job is home health, so I drive around to see patients and it has to be (obviously) about THEM. my last workplace was a nursing home and although pretty toxic and often stressful to the point of being overwhelming, at least I had co-workers I saw daily. 

 

but now I get to go out and do the new job and, as anxious as I feel, at least I have something to do! 

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JackieDecides

I guess I am in a big wave, the anxiety has been coming every morning and seems to dissipate later, it's back again started about 3:30 am.

 

I hate my new job already and the thought of doing it and the thought of trying to find yet another one both feel NOT doable.

 

I can acknowledge the anxiety but really fighting with the acceptance. and I'm so not floating. 😳

 

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Gracee
4 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I guess I am in a big wave, the anxiety has been coming every morning and seems to dissipate later, it's back again started about 3:30 am.

 

I hate my new job already and the thought of doing it and the thought of trying to find yet another one both feel NOT doable.

 

I can acknowledge the anxiety but really fighting with the acceptance. and I'm so not floating. 😳

 

 

Hi Jackie,  Was yesterday the first day on your new job?  Give yourself a chance.  New jobs are one of the most stressful undertakings anyone can have.   Please hang on.

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Carmie

Hi Jackie, 

 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely and that the job situation is giving you such stress, just thought I’d pop over and give you a hug🤗

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JackieDecides
6 hours ago, Gracee said:

 

Hi Jackie,  Was yesterday the first day on your new job?  Give yourself a chance.  New jobs are one of the most stressful undertakings anyone can have.   Please hang on.

 

1 hour ago, Carmie said:

Hi Jackie, 

 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely and that the job situation is giving you such stress, just thought I’d pop over and give you a hug🤗

 

 

thanks to both of you. 

yes, I started the new job before Christmas but have had 6 weeks of training which went OK. as of yesterday I am out on my own, doing Home Health visits and it's been ...grim. I won't give you all the boring details but it's looking like the person who I need to "feed" me patients is going to go to another job and don't know what will happen then. not enough visits = can't keep your benefits. I was going to have benefits starting March 1 for the first time in years! now, not sure.

 

and, of course, it's always hard to tell exactly how much "bad" is going on and how much is my thinking, making everything worse. 

 

I wish I had just ONE thing in my life that worked: a home , a friend, something. even a job, although that looks more and more impossible the more jobs I try. at some point, I have to admit the problem is ME! 

 

I expect things will get better. I am still getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep at night and so things could be worse!

 

again, thank you both for the kind thoughts. 😍

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Gracee

Hi Jackie, I'm available to lend an ear anytime you want to vent.   People who have just listened to me when times were bad helped me more than I ever could have expected.   Give your job the best you've got and see if it doesn't get better.....just one day at a time.  You are in my thoughts and I'm sending you good vibes, so hang in there.

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JackieDecides
43 minutes ago, Gracee said:

just one day at a time

this seems like a cliche but it's really true. most of my worries (95%? more?) are for further in the future when what I really need to focus on is the moment, the task I am doing. especially if I am driving! and when I'm with a patient, I need to be in the moment, not worrying what will happen next week, next month, next year. 

 

thank you, Gracee 😍

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Gracee
1 hour ago, JackieDecides said:

this seems like a cliche but it's really true. most of my worries (95%? more?) are for further in the future when what I really need to focus on is the moment, the task I am doing.

 

I have learned over the years that all we really have is today.   I try to live one day at a time and not project into the future.  Often we think what is ahead of us is worse than now.  From my experience, that kind of thinking can literally make us sick.  

 

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JackieDecides

Gracee, that is so true. 

 

my insomnia got worse so today I've been awake since about 1:30. just thinking enough to post here on SA is harder than usual. 😳 well, I will just do my best at work today, it's going to be a long one but tomorrow and especially Friday are lighter days. the more I find out about my new company the more disappointed I am with them, sadly. 

 

all of the great info here on SA is too much to absorb when new and in distress. last summer when I was so much worse (as I keep reminding myself) I could barely post and it was so hard to read.

 

so, now it is helping to read the threads brand new people post and do a better job checkout out the anxiety info ChessieCat posts. such great links! I am so thankful for SA. 

 

 

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Gracee

Hey Jackie,   Just keep on keeping on.   Glad you have a light load at work tomorrow and Friday.  Be good to yourself.

 

 (p.s.  I had a crappy night's sleep last night too....maybe 2-3 hours.  I remember going to work on that little sleep, sometimes two or three days in a row.  On my lunch hours I would drive to the park and sleep in my car for 45 minutes or so)

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well, I hope you get some better sleep over the next week.

 

Yes, it certainly was an eye opener when Oceanrat said that he took in 40mg compounding capsules to get analysed. They analysed three and the results were 35.1mg, 39.3mg and 42.3mg. How is one supposed to stabilise if their compounding pharmacist is so inaccurate with what they put in the capsules? 

 

By the way, the Keith Urban concert was fantastic! He’s extremely talented, and a great guitar player.🎸 He’s also got a heart of gold, such a down to earth, nice person. The special effects were great as well. I’m definitely going to see him again when he comes back. 

 

I hope you’re coping okay today, sending hugs🤗

Edited by Carmie
Autocorrect 🙄

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JackieDecides

I'm glad you had fun at the concert, Carmie. 

 

I'm doing OK, I am still having anxiety but it's a lot less than it was last week and over last weekend and, especially Monday and Tuesday so I have hopes this weekend won't be too bad. something that happens to me over & over is I anticipate the weekend - yay, no work - and then don't necessarily feel good and then feel bad about that. I need to accept that bad feelings happen on the weekend, too. 

 

but this one should be better since the last one was so awful! and I will have my first full week on my job (after training) done by tonight, so that's good.

 

honestly I don't think I'm going to like this job and am working on accepting that. I think it won't work long term - I don't even have snow tires or 4wheel drive and I'm driving way out to rural areas on gravel roads?! - but at least it isn't the incredibly toxic environment the last one was. it sets off my anxiety to think "OMG I'm going to have to find ANOTHER job AGAIN" but hopefully in ...six months? a year? I will be stronger and change, learning new things, ext won't be as much of a big deal? or maybe that's overly optimistic and it will be more like 5 years. 🙄   anyway, I am trying not to look too far ahead. just at what's in front of me at the moment, mindfully. so far I'm not very good at that. 

4 hours ago, Carmie said:

How is one supposed to stabilise if their compounding pharmacist is so inaccurate with what they put in the capsules?

 

exactly, that's just terrible

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JackieDecides
On 2/1/2019 at 5:07 AM, JackieDecides said:

I'm doing OK, I am still having anxiety but it's a lot less than it was last week and over last weekend and, especially Monday and Tuesday so I have hopes this weekend won't be too bad.

 

it hadn't been a good weekend for whatever reason. maybe half to 3/4 of Saturday was OK, today not very good. 

 

mostly, I am dreading work on Monday. I feel stupid wasting my weekend worrying about the next week's work but that's what I've been doing. 

 

I guess this anxiety is a wave but I have made it worse in a couple ways - just realized this morning maybe I should stop taking vitamin B12 (I have had a VSG for weight loss surgery so don't have most of my stomach and was told I need to always take it) and instead of using cannabis in a tiny dose, I overdo. I did that yesterday. it felt good at the time but later, not so much. maybe it's made me worse today, I can't tell.  we are having a lot of rain which is unusual for here. supposed to turn to snow as early as this evening (we had 2 inches this morning that melted by noon)

 

the weather forecast for tomorrow is such that it might be not safe to drive - at least in the morning, the roads will probably change a lot as the morning progresses - but at what point that happens for me and my car and the roads I have to drive on (my new job is Home Health, so I drive out to rural areas) is really tough to say. I dread having to make the decision. if the roads are really good or bad, it's an easy call, but they will likely be in between and that is what I dread: having to decide what to do. 

 

I am listening to a youtube video somebody posted (Happy2Heal?) called How to Make Informed Medical Decisions and Managing Your Doctor with Pamela A. Popper, Ph.D. - and I want to figure out who posted it so I can go thank them. it does take over 50 minutes for her to start talking about psych drugs. 

 

I'm just going to post this and try to do something productive like the dishes or something instead of sitting on the couch worrying and posting here. 

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JackieDecides

I am still having a big old wave of anxiety but this time whenever I catch myself thinking "I can't do this" I realize that's wrong. I can. it's just anxiety and I can function anyway even though it's unpleasant.  and it's temporary. 

 

yesterday I was so stressed over the weather - I do home health so I have to drive all over, not the best job for someone without 4 WD or even snow tires - and the hardest thing is not knowing. our boss sent out an email that we should make our own decision about what was safe but there was no way to know ahead of time what would happen yesterday. I was way out east of town where the sun was shining and drove back to terrible conditions at home. very scary drive for the last bit. but my anxiety over anticipating this was every bit as bad as DURING the scary part. and lasted much longer! 

 

today I am pretty sure the drive will be OK once I get to the main road. but getting there won't be easy and I won't know if it's safe to try at 7:30, as my first patient is scheduled at 8, or wait for the next one. no way to know for sure. it's the uncertainty that makes my stomach roil. 😳

 

 

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