☼ JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

[Altostrata]

A night job is always rough on the sleep schedule. Good luck with your new position, I hope it works out.

[Happy2Heal]

On 6/19/2019 at 1:06 PM, JackieDecides said:

have not slept well all this week since changing to the evening shift I was hired for so I basically gave a 1.5 weeks notice IF and only if I can work days and not evenings after this week. we'll see what he says. 

 

I'm a little slow but does this mean that if your boss can't switch you to day time hours for next week, you'll just not come in for the last week or so?

 

what did he say?

 

I so hope that the new job works out.

Remember even for ppl not going thru what we are, starting a new job is hard and will be stressful at first.

 

I know you're doing your best to take good care of yourself so you have that in your favor

 

praying that things settle down for you soon!

 

[JackieDecides]

yes, I agreed to yesterday and today only and next week I will work if I can do days and he agreed to it. it wasn't a bluff.

 

so, now I am done being there in the evening, what a relief!! 

 

2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

starting a new job is hard and will be stressful at first.

 

yes, I know it so I was really stressed making the decision; this was a hard week. but next week will be OK and I'm already kind of looking forward to the new job - I don't see how cleaning could be as stressful as dealing with people! hope I'm right.

[mdwstrx]

Hi Jackie!  Thanks for stopping by my page with well wishes!  I really appreciate the support.  I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through in the move and with the jobs. BUT I admire you greatly for your outlook!  You inspired me to begin focusing on what I had to be grateful for.  Thanks for that. 

 

With your perseverance and attitude, anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend. Today, I’m grateful for your post and the example you set for all of us. Wishing you well in the new job. 😊💜

[Carmie]

Hi Jackie, 

 

So glad to hear you’ve got a job that won’t be as stressful, wishing you all the best in your new workplace.💚

[neroli]

Hello JD

 

I'm pleased you have a new job, one that sounds like you will be able to get on with the work and not have to deal with people directly.  I am hoping it will be a very good job for you and send you love and best wishes for a successful outcome.

 

Neroli 💜

[JackieDecides]

thank you all for the good wishes; I suspect I'm going to need them!  😳  I keep thinking life is going to get easier but it sure hasn't yet. 

 

today I am grateful I can go to bed when I need to, which is going to be 8:30! 😐

[JackieDecides]

today I am grateful for

 

sleep

quiet (including earplugs)

library books

my car continues to be reliable

no real pain

 

(ok, my gut is a little uncomfortable from too much pie and ice cream yesterday but...well, that was totally my fault and I can learn to do better, right?)

[Happy2Heal]

hi Jackie

I hope you feel better today

 

each day is a new start, right?

 

just take one day or hour, at a time 

 

[mdwstrx]

On 6/25/2019 at 7:50 AM, JackieDecides said:

(ok, my gut is a little uncomfortable from too much pie and ice cream yesterday but...well, that was totally my fault and I can learn to do better, right?)

Hi Jackie,

Thinking about you and praying things are looking up.

Love your attitude! 💜

 

[Carmie]

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Nice to read your gratitude list. I love libraries too. 

 

How is your job going? Are you finding it less stressful? 

 

Hope you’re having a better day with no gut issues, sending hugs🤗

[JackieDecides]

No, I am doing my last week at the old job which still makes me very anxious because I don't know what I'm doing. Damn, I'm anxious about starting a new job on Monday!

It kind of feels unfair that I should be anxious about both at once.

But who ever said life was fair?

I have one other thing I'm stressing him out but I'm going to wait till I'm home and have a keyboard to write it out.

[JackieDecides]

home at a keyboard but now I don't recall what I felt like writing - only that I am continuing to look for a place to live under "roommate wanted" ads on Craigslist and it is more than a little bit stressful.

 

I keep telling myself to just STOP it when I have stress from both the current job and the thought of starting a new one but I can't make myself stop reading the ads. there are new ones every day: what if one is perfect for me? I don't want to miss it!

 

I did see one earlier and go back for a second look yesterday and I think I will say yes to that one. so, now I'm anxious that this is a mistake. the woman's husband is taking a job out of state and she says for sure she is going to continue to live there for six months minimum - but I worry I will move in and in 6 months need another place. also, we just started a hot spell and there is no AC at her house (and none in the one I'm living in) so that worries me. mostly because it messes with my ability to sleep. 

 

so there's that. ☹️

[JackieDecides]

On 6/26/2019 at 11:07 AM, Happy2Heal said:

just take one day or hour, at a time 

 

 

sometimes it's one minute at a time, you know? but yes, good advice.

 

I hope things are going OK with you. 🤗

[JackieDecides]

today I was reminded that two people I know don't have cars and have to rely on public transportation to get around. that reminded me to post what I'm grateful for:

 

my car

I have a ceiling fan in my bedroom

the climate here is such that I can have the window open here at night and it will be comfortable, at least for now

I feel pretty good today

roommate hasn't bitten my head off for weeks now (course, I censor myself a lot around her - never disagree for example, so that's not comfortable)

I don't have to move into the "roommate wanted" place I looked at today: it was a dump! and I'd have to share a bathroom with a man who is "a little odd" and none too clean. and there is NOwhere to sit! 

birdsong in the morning! 

 

 

even though it's gotten hot - and I've stressed and worried over this affecting my sleep - so far it hasn't as it's cooled off enough at night to make sleeping with the window open and/or the ceiling fan on comfortable. the noise sound from having the window open is something I need to adjust to - it does mess with my sleep, sadly. but I should be able to adjust, hopefully. I still dread the parts of summer when it doesn't cool off at night but shouldn't "borrow trouble" like I do. 

 

 

[neroli]

Hello JD

 

I can understand that concern about heat disrupting your sleep - it does that to me.  So far, though, apart from the noise, you seem to be managing ok with sleep.

 

I hope your new job is (or will be) more suitable for you and provide improved conditions for your healing.  And that you get that new room (or things become more manageable where you are, for now).

 

Best of wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[JackieDecides]

the new job isn't going really well, but it still beats the old one. I spent today in training with my boss and I decided I don't like him very much. I was OK with him the first couple days but he was kind of an ******* today. 

I find I am very much affected by those around me and I'm worn out by spending so much time with someone I don't like. luckily, tomorrow will be the last day of training and I won't see nearly as much of him.

and he is the third person in just a few days to brag to me about how good they are at judging people. 

 

am I the only one who realizes I don't always judge people very well, at least at first?  I know I'm the only one who realizes I'm not a very good driver: everyone else I've met thinks they are! 

[Lloyd]

Hopefully you wont have to deal with him much. People that feel the need to brag about how good they are are usually insecure & hollow inside - Avoid at all costs.

[JackieDecides]

I want to avoid him! I dread today as it's the last day of training so I will have to spend most or all of it with him. 

he knows at least one thing that makes me mad and was poking me there yesterday - because it's fun to make people mad. I believe he is a sociopath and can't believe I liked him the first couple days. 

 

cats woke me up yowling at each other in the night and in other ways I didn't get a great night's sleep but I did sleep some and I'm trying to focus on that. 

 

the search for a new place to live is not going well. 😕

 

I don't like the hours for this job - I've been awake since 5, out of bed since 6:30, and don't leave for work for 3 hours. I would so much rather get it over with! 

 

things I'm going to work on ACCEPTING:  

work is going to be hard and there is nobody there to talk to (weird, I work in a building with 500+ people!)

I have to work these hours for now

I don't like the supervisor

it's too hot in my bedroom and the cat pee smell gets worse in the heat

cats will be waking me up at night

I often don't like my roommate

 

what I am grateful for:

 

some sleep is much better than none! I got some sleep

it's cool this morning and I have the window open

I have a ceiling fan and that really helps

my car 

there are beautiful views out the windows where I work

 

[Happy2Heal]

it's wonderful that no matter how rough things are, you always find things to be grateful for

 

Good example that I need to follow.

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

On 7/12/2019 at 6:06 AM, Happy2Heal said:

you always find things to be grateful for

 

actually, I don't think I do enough - look at all the days I don't post!

and I am just trying to follow Carmie's example.

[JackieDecides]

the new job is going not very well - and besides the stress (it shouldn't be a stressful job, but turns out it is) I have the over-all feeling it's all me and now ANY job would stress me out. so do I change again or not?  I just lost any confidence I had, feels like. 

 

since money worries have made everything else worse I now think maybe, MAYBE, I should try to get a therapy job again even though I gave up the field as being too stressful. if low pay jobs are going to be stressful, at least in therapy I'd be making better money.

 

the thing is I would have to relocate again. am I up to it? I honestly don't know or know how to tell. 

 

I do not want to make my life harder than I can handle by deciding to relocate for the second time in a few months. but it might be the best thing I could do for myself, I just don't know. 

[JackieDecides]

I am following Carmie's example and listing what I'm grateful for

 

1.  I had a bad morning but have now been to the library and the grocery store and feel some better. life is better with books and I got some healthy food and some cookies besides. 

 

2. I have a group of women who are willing to talk to me on the phone, despite having busy lives and the fact that I'm not always much fun. I have a greater desire to talk to someone when I feel worse - should try to remember to try and call when I feel good as well. 

 

3. I am able to walk over 9 miles for my job (even though I dread going back there tomorrow)

 

4. it has clouded over and still not too hot in the house. I am comfortable with just the fan on me. this morning, I was sure I would be miserable all afternoon from the heat. I really need to stop "borrowing trouble"

 

5. I have options. if things don't work out with my current plans (which keep changing) then I will figure out new plans. something will work out.

 

I told myself I just need ONE thing to go right and tried to make that thing be who I lived with. That backfired when I moved in with my current roommate and since then I have been looking for another roommate situation in this town. 

 

now I'm going to change to trying to get a therapy job - and hopefully somewhere with a low enough cost of living I can rent my own space, no matter how small. this is possible.

 

6. there is a show about The Queen Mother on PBS right now and that's exactly what I am in the mood for. 

 

I keep needing to remind myself:  right this moment I am OK. nothing is wrong at this moment. 

 

over and over. 

[JackieDecides]

just now I caught myself thinking "if only I can find a therapy job, then everything will be OK".  

 

over and over I try to learn that, no, there isn't a magic time when everything is going to be OK again.  that isn't how things are.

 

Finding a job will be good, but then I have to relocate to where it is and start it and then find out that - no surprise - it will be stressful. this is the best case scenario! (if I don't find a job fairly soon, everything is more bleak.)

 

so I have to change my thinking to what I posted yesterday:  right now I am OK.

or sometimes, right now I feel very anxious but it's temporary. 

 

and other more realistic thoughts!  

 

I try to be glad this is a chance to learn and practice those coping skills I never learned while on AD. oh, goody! 🙄

 

this morning I am grateful it cooled off last night and I got in maybe 6.5 to 7 hours of sleep, yay.

 

I am grateful I will be in AC all afternoon.

 

This morning I gave one week's notice on my job. might be a mistake, but I am grateful it was my decision and I decided. that's what my life is about, right? Jackie Decides. 

 

I just wish I didn't keep making so many decisions I then regret. like, how many times have I had a therapy job that I then gave up as too stressful? well, 2 in just the last year!  and now, that's all I want again - oh boy. 

 

but I hope I get it and then appreciate it and then make it work.

 

 👩‍🦳  < that's me, long hair I like to think of as "silver"! 

[Carmie]

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Nice to see your gratitude list. I love going to the library too👍. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[bubble]

What is a therapy job? I admire it that you give up on what doesn't feel right for you and look for better options. You never now. It might really work out this time time round. 

[Happy2Heal]

22 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

over and over I try to learn that, no, there isn't a magic time when everything is going to be OK again.  that isn't how things are.

 

 

I keep thinking this too, that if I just get to some place or some situation, everything will be ok -

but what does that mean?

 

were things ever really ok? or did it just seem that way when I was drugged into numbness with blunted or absent emotions?

I guess the permanence of now having emotions back and needing to deal with them is starting to sink in.

 

one of my self help books talks about learning to handle uncomfortable feelings. It's odd, I didn't seem to have as much trouble dealing with WD symptoms, possibly because I fully expected them to get better and then end....?

as I do now with the emotions that come with every day life.

 

I have decided to think of these emotions as a  continuation of those temporary WD symptoms, it helps me feel better overall.

I don't know why I can't (yet) think  of them as temporary "normal" emotional states but hopefully I'll get there sometimes

 

for now, this works for me

 

just tossing this out there in case it might work for you too.

 

 

[JackieDecides]

12 minutes ago, bubble said:

What is a therapy job?

 

I have worked as a Certified Occupational Therapy Assistant (it's a two year degree) for years and gave it up as too stressful. Now I only have a license for Nevada and will need another one for the jobs I'm seeing to appy for (OR and WA)

 

 

 

9 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

just tossing this out there in case it might work for you too.

 

it might! 

 

I just keep working on accepting that the "everything is going to be OK" feeling isn't something I have nearly enough. I think it should be the default emotional state and it hasn't been for way too long. maybe someday?

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

one of my self help books talks about learning to handle uncomfortable feelings. It's odd, I didn't seem to have as much trouble dealing with WD symptoms, possibly because I fully expected them to get better and then end....?

as I do now with the emotions that come with every day life.

 

 

I'm not sure when/if there is a line where you leave behind WD symptoms and declare you are now just in "life". but if it helps you to think of unpleasant feelings as WD, don't see anything wrong with that. and I think it really does take years for us to recover fully so we may both still be in WD. yes, we probably are. 

 

what helps me (sometimes) is thinking of it as backpacking: as you train for it, the pack not only doesn't get lighter it gets heavier - but you get stronger. 

 

so when things get hard I remind myself I am doing harder things.

I just used to be drugged up (as you say) and not caring and now I am emotionally naked and care enormously. 

now, I try to think long term even while it's challenging to just get through the day. 

 

this morning I woke up anxious and didn't get out of bed for an hour even though I knew I wouldn't get any more sleep.  I was just scared to face the day and start doing what needs to be done. so I try to forgive myself for that (since the insomnia book taught me staying in bed not sleeping is a bad idea, I mean). 

 

today I am grateful for:

 

1. I slept 7 hours, whohoo!

 

2. through the bedroom window this morning I watched a robin feed a baby robin that was almost exactly the same size. it looked like a worm, no doubt the one "the early bird" gets. 😊

 

3. my roommate now knows I am looking for jobs out of state so I don't have to tell her I don't want to live with her. she was kind to let me do it, anyway, and nobody is to blame for us being such a bad combination.

 

4. I am in no pain at all this morning - not everyone can say that - and the air is cool so far and no smoke and I live in a lovely city and I have a job with AC to go to. 

 

5. my brother said he could help me if necessary (say, my car breaks down or other emergency)

 

6. I only have to do this incredibly draining job 4 more days.

 

7. from doing the job, I have become aware of how much I need to work on my posture: I see myself in bathroom mirrors all day long and am appalled at how much my shoulders are rolled forward. I'm going to work on that today. 

 

8. I have a place to write this all out - here - and feel better for doing so. 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

wow, great list of things to be grateful for!  

 

If I did a gratitude list, your lists would on my list!! lol

your perspective helps me to see where my thinking is going awry, and also inspires me try to remember to focus on the positive.

 

that's cute about the robins!! early bird indeed

 

 

8 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

what helps me (sometimes) is thinking of it as backpacking: as you train for it, the pack not only doesn't get lighter it gets heavier - but you get stronger. 

 what a great way of looking at it.   I do need to toughen up a bit, heh.

 

I'm so glad your brother is there for you if you need him and that your roommate found out in an un-hurtful way that you can't stay where you are. I guess (sometimes at least) things do work out better than we could have anticipated or hoped. 

 

now when you say 7 hrs of sleep, is that straight thru without waking up? not even to go to the bathroom?

 

oh yes please do not be hard on yourself for staying in a bed longer, I've read the same thing about getting right up but since I know I'm not getting good sleep, I ignore that otherwise great advice and stay in bed for a bit to work up the courage to face the day.

You've got a stressful draining tiring job, I would think that little bit of extra rest even while not sleeping would be good for your body, if not your mind as well.

 

 

[Gridley]

10 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I would think that little bit of extra rest even while not sleeping would be good for your body, if not your mind as well.

 

I agree completely.  For me, just resting in bed (when I know getting back to sleep is not going to happen) before I get up is, I feel, beneficial.  I do meditations/prayer and the time passes quickly.

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

now when you say 7 hrs of sleep, is that straight thru without waking up? not even to go to the bathroom?

 

no, I got up once to go to the bathroom and I woke up enough once to pull up a blanket but I don't remember that so I might have done it in my sleep. 

 

I understand it can be OK to stay in bed and rest even if you aren't or can't sleep but if one was having insomnia it's not a good idea. I'm pretty stable at 6 to 7 hours a night currently, however, so I don't think it's too bad.

 

but when I was having bad insomnia I believe what really helped me was learning to get out of bed when unable to sleep. 

 

[JackieDecides]

heat is getting worse and so tired from work. makes it both harder and - I think - more important to make a list.

 

this morning I am grateful for:

 

fans

a quiet night 

sleep

the sight and sound of leaves in the wind

friends that encourage me

the internet, which makes relocating across country so much more do-able

breakfast

[RichT]

6 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

heat is getting worse and so tired from work. makes it both harder and - I think - more important to make a list.

 

this morning I am grateful for:

 

fans

a quiet night 

sleep

the sight and sound of leaves in the wind

friends that encourage me

the internet, which makes relocating across country so much more do-able

breakfast

 

And only 3 more days of your job!

[JackieDecides]

On 7/17/2019 at 8:51 AM, RichT said:

And only 3 more days of your job!

 

yes, that was a big one I missed and now it is over - zero more days and I didn't hurt myself at least in a major way. my low back is sore and stiffer than usual. 

 

Right now I am sitting on the patio in absolutely lovely weather - 72, breezy, still shady - drinking a hot cup of decaf and so pleased with the whole world. I know it's not forever but for right now, I feel wonderful. 

 

I am grateful for this weather and for sitting outside where I can hear the wind blowing in the trees.

I am grateful the company on the west coast offered me the job in Oregon that I wanted. 

I am grateful I'm about to accept that offer and can look forward to working for better money and getting benefits. 

I am grateful to the example of others who have had and do have a much harder time than I have/do and keep going anyway. 

I am grateful for all the coping strategies out there. last night when I was awake at 2:30 I was able to turn off the fan and turn on my hypnosis CD and went back to sleep. 

I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for sleep!!! 

 

 

this week I emailed a friend "I am terrified of moving to Oregon" and she wrote back, then don't do it: listen to your gut.

I thought about it and wrote again that I really mis-spoke. what I meant was:

 

I have some normal anxiety about moving to Oregon which spikes sometimes because I have anxiety. it's uncomfortable, but it's not as bad as it could be and I am learning to deal with it. also, I have the same level of anxiety (some, and then it spikes) about every other option to moving to Oregon. Anxiety is temporary!!!!

 

I really need more practice not making everything into a catastrophe!  lots of changes coming but I am up to it. the last four jobs I've started (2 here in CO and 2 in Nevada) I quit but I was/am in WD and no wonder. This one will be harder, maybe, because of the second relocation in too few months but I am stronger now! 

 

at least, that's how I feel this morning. outside, drinking decaf. after sleeping 7.5 hours. 

 

😍

[Altostrata]

Jackie, you go grrrrl. You're on the move despite uncertainty. Love reading your "grateful" list, reminds me to do the same!