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JackieDecides

JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

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JackieDecides

I don't think I've ever been called grrrl before  - I feel more than a little smug. 😉

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JackieDecides

yesterday I felt wonderful, today I feel ...not nearly as good. I feel OK, I guess.

 

today I am grateful for

 

reconnecting with old friends even if only on the phone

 

it's only going to be in the 80s today, not the 90s like wed - fri last week

 

I don't have to go back to that cleaning job that was giving me more pain every week I was there

 

I know some good back stretches I learned from Miranda Esmonde-White and doing them makes me feel better (need to do them MORE)

 

I am stronger than I was 6 months ago, I am SURE of this. I am even stronger than I was 1 year ago. this is lucky because I am going to need to be! 

 

I am not alone, even though all my support is long distance. at least I have support. I am grateful for this every day. 

 

❤️ to all

 

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JackieDecides

I woke up OK at 5:30 but then in a few minutes I got a big wave of anxiety and it's still with me. I don't know if it's random or because of something specific. don't you always ask yourself WHY it's happening, I suppose so you can know how to control it better in the future?

 

I have two things to do today, not really enough to fill the day, this morning I am meeting a friend I haven't seen for years. we will have breakfast as she is driving through, on her way home from Denver. I look forward to seeing her.

 

this afternoon I have to get my fingerprints taken as part of the process to get a license to do my new job in Oregon.  

 

both those things might be making me anxious, I really don't know. might just be life, and knowing I have a ton to do to get ready for my new job and for relocating out of state again. finding a place to live will be really hard because I am in such a hole financially.  the new job is not in a super expensive place (like Portland) but it's still a higher cost of housing than I hoped for, especially for a not-very-big town. lots to worry about, I guess, or rather lots of variables/changes/challenges that I now get to practice facing without freaking out or something. 🤨

 

this morning I am grateful I am about to meet up with an old friend. she is on a road trip back to where she lives in AZ and will be rushed and short on sleep, I expect, but I still look forward to seeing her.

 

I am grateful for a good night's sleep. probably got 7.5 hours so good for me.

 

I am grateful the temps cooled off. 

 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides

Yesterday was a bad day. Today is much better. I am at the park, in the shade, being grateful. U am grateful for

 

The trees

The sun

The wind

The mountains (lookit Pikes Peak)

The clouds

 

The way the air feels

The sound the wind makes in the leaves

 

But the grass is too big perfect, I'd rather see weeds and know they didn't spray the heck out of the lawn

 

 

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JackieDecides

yesterday's posting was from my phone, so typos. :blink:

 

this morning back on my chromebook and I am grateful for:

 

weather forecast has only highs in the 80s coming up, no 90s thank goodness

the stress of hiding the fact that I need to move out from my roommate is gone

someone in Oregon (where I am moving) has offered to help by looking at rentals for me

I don't feel bad at all this morning: slight anxiety but not nearly like yesterday or the day before

I get to DECIDE - whatever happens, I'm making the decisions. this isn't always easy, but it beats the alternative. 

Charlie Brown's posts made me happy:  it takes YEARS to recover so I'm still going to get better than this. stronger! I look forward to it. 

 

love and hugs to all! 

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Happy2Heal

so many good things to be grateful for

:)

 

 

you have such a great attitude!

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JackieDecides

you have such a great attitude!

 

 

not today, and not this week so far...or over the weekend, I guess.

 

looking for a place to live in Oregon has been not just as bad as job hunting but worse, I think. I was about in tears this morning filling out an application.

 

online friends have made suggestions that don't seem to help, when I told them that I can't give my landlord in NV as a reference because we left on bad terms. the fact that I never missed a rent payment means nothing, she is a binge drinker and believes she is 100% in the right and I can't talk to her or give her name/number on rental applications. I swear renting used to be easier than this, can't remember so much damn paperwork. 😟

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JackieDecides

things have been going badly and I notice I haven't been posting what I'm grateful for, just trying to get through the days.

 

I have SO not been accepting of anything: my mood, for sure, where I am, what I have to do, the heat, none of it. I keep trying to change the channel by eating cookies or drinking wine (not that much, but still) or green tea. the mild caffeine in green tea or in decaf coffee is too much for me but hardly anyone on the planet understands that ("oh, go ahead, treat yourself"). 

 

I am fighting the feeling that once I move, or "get out of here" as I think of it, things will get better and really things will be stressful for some time to come. don't even know if I will have a place to live there when I leave (might, might not) and the drive there itself will be stressful and then there is starting a new job in a field I have told myself "never again" due to burnout more than once. talk about stress!

 

so when I get anxiety now, I try to tell myself the answer isn't "out there" the answer has to be inside myself - to accept it and get things done anyway - because things won't get any easier anytime soon. 

 

I am very very grateful for the woman in Oregon who is helping me find housing despite never having met me! 

 

I am grateful for the cool morning air.

 

I am grateful for my strength and mobility.

 

I am grateful I have a new job. 

 

I am grateful for the internet. 

 

 

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JackieDecides

I am grateful for Carmie, who always reminds me to be grateful.

 

I am grateful I get to decide, even when I fear or have trouble doing so.

 

I am grateful a friend said I could spend this weekend with her, on my way to Oregon. 

 

I am grateful for Tara Brach; I friend turned me on to her. currently listening to a talk by her and at the end of a lovely story we learn: 

 

"You will lose everyone you ever love, but the love will always return in new forms" which is hard, but something you need to hear when you are grieving. 

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mdwstrx

Hi Jackie.  You posting helps me so much.  I too am trying to decide what the future holds and this 'durned' wd (even in mild form) adds to the anxiety of not knowing.  We have very different situations but it sounds like the feelings are similar.  What you're doing and posting inspires others, especially me.  I hope you realize that.  Today and other days, I'm grateful for JackieDecides. 💜

 

 

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JackieDecides
7 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

Today and other days, I'm grateful for JackieDecides. 

 

thank you, what a heart-warming thing to read! ❤️

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Matti

Hey Jackie,

 

Sounds like a lot of stuff to deal with. Hope it all turns out well for you.

 

Matti

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JackieDecides

I have left my, home doesn't work, I have left the house where I had been living since May and taking a brief rest at a friend's before driving my new home, an empty apartment in a small town I have never seen. Sounds scary but I got great sleep last night and I feel good right now. I miss my netbook and feel claustrophobic on my phone.

 

Today I am grateful for a full night's sleep.

I am grateful for Susan, who said sure when I invited myself to her house.

I am grateful for feeling so good right now, this morning.

I am very grateful to be out of that house, where I frequently felt trapped!!

 

Onward! 

Next home will be a place where I decide! Windows open or closed? I get to decide!!

 

👍

 

 

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JackieDecides
On 8/3/2019 at 7:22 AM, JackieDecides said:

I got great sleep last night

 

that was the last good night's sleep I got!  it was wonderful staying with my friend and the drive out to Oregon wasn't bad. nothing went wrong, anyway. but sleeping in motel rooms isn't easy to do. like, last night I was awake until 11 but couldn't sleep past 4:30.  I guess I should be glad it was that much.

 

but I'm in my new apartment and there is nowhere to sit. this is exhausting to me, I am standing up for everything!

can't wait to go to bed but it's only 7 PM local time. my body thinks it's 8 PM, however.  any time change messes with me badly.

 

tonight it's hard to be grateful but I will try.

 

I'm grateful for wifi

I'm grateful for my AC 

two different people were willing to talk to me on the phone this afternoon/evening when I was and am really needy so that's a blessing. 

 

tomorrow is another day. 

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Happy2Heal

it's a big new adventure!! yes it's hard but it will get better

 

I predict you're at the start of a new chapter in your life that's going to have lots and lots of good stuff in it

 

I'm trying to follow the principles in the books about Hardwiring Happiness, for your sake as well as my own

 

I recall when I was doing this, I did indeed have many good days or at least good chunks of the day were good.

 

live  in the moment and take in the good, those were the things I tried to do each day and it worked great so I"m going back to working on those things

 

I hope you have a good night and fun day tomorrow, filled with pleasant people and sun and many other simple pleasures

 

and before I go all Pollyanna on ya, I'm gonna sign off LOL

 

 

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HelenaEverywhere

I'm a friend of Jackie's who knows I've been lurking here. But I want to say loudly, Girlfriend, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU. You've overcome so much already, and are now taking these risks that would scare anyone even without a history of anxiety. You're an inspiration.

 

I also want to tell everyone that Jackie was instrumental in curbing my use of Wellbutrin. I have a history of depression that I usually manage with exercise and diet. However, last November my husband died and I was a pretty big mess (still am sometimes). My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and I wanted to pop the things like candy even though they gave me stomach cramps. When Jackie heard this, she told me how difficult withdrawal could be, and pointed me here. I managed to keep to one pill a day for a few months (can't remember dosage), then I decided to withdraw completely. I wasn't taking a lot, but I still tapered according to instructions here. Without Jackie's input, I would've gotten myself in a lot of trouble. I'm so grateful she's my friend! She's amazing!

 

Hugs!

 

Helena  

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xyz
3 hours ago, HelenaEverywhere said:

I'm a friend of Jackie's who knows I've been lurking here. But I want to say loudly, Girlfriend, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU. You've overcome so much already, and are now taking these risks that would scare anyone even without a history of anxiety. You're an inspiration.

 

I also want to tell everyone that Jackie was instrumental in curbing my use of Wellbutrin. I have a history of depression that I usually manage with exercise and diet. However, last November my husband died and I was a pretty big mess (still am sometimes). My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and I wanted to pop the things like candy even though they gave me stomach cramps. When Jackie heard this, she told me how difficult withdrawal could be, and pointed me here. I managed to keep to one pill a day for a few months (can't remember dosage), then I decided to withdraw completely. I wasn't taking a lot, but I still tapered according to instructions here. Without Jackie's input, I would've gotten myself in a lot of trouble. I'm so grateful she's my friend! She's amazing!

 

Hugs!

 

Helena  

 

i knew Jackiedecides is a generous person. i always appreciate when she posts on my thread :)

i am glad Helena that you dodge the hard withdrawal by not staying on W for too long.

 

sometimes i think that depression is a natural way for our body to cope with life, if we don't fear it, it will run its course.

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JackieDecides
9 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I'm trying to follow the principles in the books about Hardwiring Happiness, for your sake as well as my own

 

thank you for your kind wishes! 

what principles, @Happy2Heal ?  I found the ebook and put a hold on it, so I'll know soon, but do you mean mindfulness specifically?

 

 

5 hours ago, HelenaEverywhere said:

My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and I wanted to pop the things like candy even though they gave me stomach cramps. When Jackie heard this, she told me how difficult withdrawal could be, and pointed me here. I managed to keep to one pill a day for a few months (can't remember dosage), then I decided to withdraw completely. I wasn't taking a lot, but I still tapered according to instructions here.

 

I am SO glad you were able to hear what I said and take action. Especially at such a vulnerable time in your life, it's hard not to believe a doctor knows best. 

Was your withdrawal easy, then? I sure hope so. 

 

I have another friend who said she was afraid to read here, after I gave her the link, but she is tapering herself off Lexapro much more quickly because her doctor said it was OK. So far she is fine so I'm glad for her, too.  But it's scary because I know what can happen. 

 

onward to the new day.  so far I've learned the person who lives upstairs from me gets up at 3 AM and I find the noise just from him walking around to be worse than I expected; also he has what I think is a glider/rocking chair with a really loud squeaking noise. 

 

I could get used to this noise, right? 

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Matti

I sometimes use earplugs to help with noise at night. Im pretty sensitive to noise though, some people get used to traffic noise etc. a lot easier.

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JackieDecides
20 minutes ago, Matti said:

I sometimes use earplugs to help with noise at night. Im pretty sensitive to noise though, some people get used to traffic noise etc. a lot easier.

 

I want to go up and knock on the door and introduce myself. I remember from decades ago, when I last lived in an apartment, if I feel good about a person it helps me not to mind their noise. I used to make up stories about people whose noise bothered me so I had warmer feelings towards them but actually meeting might be better.

is 6 AM too early? it's not like I don't know he's up....

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Matti
9 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I want to go up and knock on the door and introduce myself. I remember from decades ago, when I last lived in an apartment, if I feel good about a person it helps me not to mind their noise. I used to make up stories about people whose noise bothered me so I had warmer feelings towards them but actually meeting might be better.

is 6 AM too early? it's not like I don't know he's up....

 

Great idea I think. I'd wait until later but that's just my cautious nature :)

 

I live in quite a small apartment building so I know most of my neighbours. It certainly helps to know the person to think more emphatically of them.

 

 

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JackieDecides

I will wait til they are active again - they've gone silent. I wonder if the 3 AM thing was insomnia? if so, maybe we can bond over it.

 

this morning I am grateful for a floor I can keep clean and where there is lots of space to get on my yoga mat and do back stretches. nothing is as good as doing it on the floor. no cat pee smell, bonus!

 

I am grateful for this beautiful little town, so funky. 

 

I am very grateful for AC

 

I am grateful I can afford to go and get some furniture. not having anywhere to sit and keeping everything on the floor is tiring! 

 

I am grateful for this place to post such things. 

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JackieDecides

I did meet the guy upstairs - he is a sad Vietnam Vet with lots of pain and nightmares and other health issues. poor guy. but I feel better about any noise he makes, for some reason. because now I know who is up there, I guess.

 

I had a not very good day today shopping - lots of looking and very little bought - couldn't find a bra to fit me despite hours of trying on at various stores. nothing fit. 

 

I was anxious all morning and then instead of it going away in the afternoon like it usually does, it got worse. when I got home I felt like it was only a question of which I should have, wine or Xanax - but I ended up just waiting, having neither, and eventually it went away. but it wasn't a good day. 

 

why was I was anxious all day?  anxious about starting my new job on monday.   anxious I keep losing weight.  anxious I haven't gotten any mail since I moved.  anxious about  everything I need to get done. anxious about the smell in this basement. and the clothes I just got at the thrift store - they smell, too. will I ever get used to this?

 

tonight I am grateful I feel better, finally

I am grateful for this chair I'm sitting in - instead of standing up for everything

I'm grateful the weather cooled off

that's all I've got tonight

 

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xyz

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time at this moment jackie. That is a lot of recent change. It will get better soon once you feel more settled and get on a routine with your new job. It would be difficult for anyone. 

Glad you didn't go for the xanax or wine. Your brain will get stronger at dealing with the stress. 

 

What is that smell in the basement? 

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JackieDecides
6 hours ago, xyz said:

What is that smell in the basement? 

thank you for your kind words @xyz

 

I am pretty sure the smell is  mold or mildew. (don't know the difference)  it's a "basementy" smell, "musty".

I have only  lived in very dry climates for years and now I am in a place where I showered yesterday morning and last night before bed I was shocked to feel that the washcloth was still damp. same with my mop. In fact, the mop I used yesterday morning and wrung out as much as possible is still damp this morning, ugh. 

 

I'm sure there IS a smell but also I am likely over-reacting to it ("freaking out" if you will) as I tend to do with everything. 

 

I'm going to use vinegar for washing the thrift store clothes (they all have the smell) and look for some essential oils to use around the apartment but, otherwise, I think I will just have to learn to accept it. 

 

like I need to accept lots of things - feeling bad, uncertainty, loneliness, and so on. 

 

this morning I am grateful I got 6.5 hours of sleep.

I am grateful there are rummage sales to go to and hope I get some things I really need. 

 

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RachelSusan

Hi JackieDecides,

I read your posts and wanted to wish you good luck on Monday. The first week of any new job is stressful, but then we find our way. You sound like a really great person. I bet once they get to know you they will appreciate you. Good luck.

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JackieDecides

thank you, @RachelSusan, I appreciate it. I know this job will work out because it HAS to. but, that's adding to my stress. but, honestly, I don't have a plan B. the last couple jobs were low pay: this one is a bit more and I could actually live on it and maybe even get out of debt! so it's vital it works out OK. 

 

 

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RachelSusan

I have a feeling it will work out, because you will make it work out. 

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xyz
14 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

thank you, @RachelSusan, I appreciate it. I know this job will work out because it HAS to. but, that's adding to my stress. but, honestly, I don't have a plan B. the last couple jobs were low pay: this one is a bit more and I could actually live on it and maybe even get out of debt! so it's vital it works out OK. 

 

 

 

Jackie,

you will do great.

getting out of debt sounds good :)

 

try to preserve your energy when things get tough. (like not over reacting)-

i see it like saying "yes" to the universe:  "okay, i will take that one, and I will learn from this"

then the universe goes "all right, i won't throw more crazy things at ya then"...

 

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xyz
21 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm going to use vinegar for washing the thrift store clothes (they all have the smell) and look for some essential oils to use around the apartment but, otherwise, I think I will just have to learn to accept it. 

 

 

i love essential oil or even perfume. they put me in a good mood.

i think the smell is one of the senses that is deeply wired into the part of your brain that store your memory and trigger emotions.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-babble/201501/smells-ring-bells-how-smell-triggers-memories-and-emotions

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JackieDecides
2 hours ago, xyz said:

i see it like saying "yes" to the universe:

 

exactly: another way to explain acceptance. 

 

I feel like I have spent most of my life saying "no" and running away from everything. now, I learn not to. it is sure taking a lot of practice! 🙄

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JackieDecides
2 hours ago, xyz said:

i think the smell is one of the senses that is deeply wired into the part of your brain that store your memory and trigger emotions.

 

interesting - the smell of this basement is just like the smell of the basement of the house where I grew up, maybe it's bringing back some less than happy memories for me? or maybe not and I am just over-reacting to it in a more general sense. either way I am going to look for essential oils this weekend. 

 

today I am grateful I have 2 full days before work (so much to get done) 

I am grateful I have been getting a good 6 hours of sleep at night (white noise from the fan!)

there's more, but I have to go do stuff.

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JackieDecides

doesn't it seem unfair that it's possible to feel both TIRED and ANXIOUS at the same time? it sure does to me. 😡

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Happy2Heal
16 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

doesn't it seem unfair that it's possible to feel both TIRED and ANXIOUS at the same time? it sure does to me. 😡

 

 

yes it does seem unfair

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JackieDecides

today is the first day of my new job and I've had a fair amount of anxiety this week and especially yesterday.

 

this morning the first thing that happened was I dropped and broke my bifocals! 

 

I don't have another pair of those but I am very grateful I have a pair of distance and a pair of reading glasses!!  but who has time to switch back and forth? I will end up putting my distance glasses on top of my head and just squinting for any computer work and paperwork. ugh! 

 

well, trying to look at this as a way to "start as I mean to go on" by not freaking out about it and just realizing it's something I can, literally, get fixed. just like any other problem that comes up. :huh:

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xyz
On 8/10/2019 at 2:51 PM, JackieDecides said:

doesn't it seem unfair that it's possible to feel both TIRED and ANXIOUS at the same time? it sure does to me. 😡

 

Lol, absolutely.

So make sure to write a letter

(i say that to my kids each time they complain and each time they ask "to whom?" and that crack me up)

 

sorry didn't mean to make fun.

i can totally relate though

sending you hugs

 

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