☼ JackieDecides: off Lexapro / escitalopram, tapering omeprazole

[JackieDecides]

I survived my first day at my new job!!!  😊

[ChessieCat]

Well done!

[xyz]

8 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I survived my first day at my new job!!!  😊

 

kuddos!

see...

was it worth all the stress?

[JackieDecides]

are you saying the stress is optional? because it doesn't seem like that....I try NOT to stress as much as possible, I really do. 

I hope to get better at it.

 

today I am grateful I know my new manager and what the facility looks like and should know at least somebody on my schedule today. maybe more than one. so it will be better than yesterday. 

 

I got good sleep again last night and I am very grateful for that. honestly think I got at least 7 hours, maybe even 7 1/2? that's great. that should never get old! 

[xyz]

19 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

are you saying the stress is optional? because it doesn't seem like that....I try NOT to stress as much as possible, I really do. 

 

No it is not... Sorry if I made it sound this way. This is something that I usually ask myself after fact and try to remember for the next time.

You will see that once you settle down in your living and working situation,  things will get a lot better.

And you seem to find work easily (to me) so this is re assuring, right?

 

Glad you were able to sleep. Hope this will be more and more of a trend from now on.

[JackieDecides]

Day 3 at my new job, the first two went okay but after I got home I sort of fell apart: one day I had potato chips and chocolate covered pretzels for dinner, and last night I had wine. 

So, not ideal behavior.

 

My goal for today is pretty easy: after work don't have any candy or wine.

And hopefully get in a walk as soon as it cools off.

 

Today I'm grateful that I'm not back at the jobs I had in Colorado! They were harder than this and lower pay.

10 hours ago, xyz said:

And you seem to find work easily (to me) so this is re assuring, right?

 

This was true in Colorado Springs but the jobs were minimum wage and I couldn't survive on them.

This job is for real! 😲

 

there is a big change in the way Medicare pays for therapy in nursing homes coming up October, and there's probably going to be a lot fewer therapy jobs at that point.

So I really need to make this work!!!

 

[RichT]

Hi Jackie,

 

i’d just like to say ‘well done’ - you’re coping with so much change at once it would be difficult for anyone to manage, let alone someone suffering from wd!

 

Rich

[JackieDecides]

today I am grateful that I have a big tomato grown at work (by the therapy patients) to eat. it tastes so much better than any from a store. 

 

I am grateful for how beautiful this neighborhood is: huge healthy trees, some amazing gardens to see, no two houses are the same or even close. 

 

work is going OK. I'm not so great at home but hopefully that's temporary. work is OK and that's more important right now. 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

glad that work is going well!! yay!!
 

and happy you got a nice fresh tomato, yay!!!

 

and it won't be long before your new place feels more like home

 

you're doing wonderful, staying grateful in the face of all this stress and all the changes you've gone thru.

 

 

[JackieDecides]

it was a hard week and I didn't feel good yesterday at all but kept fighting it and making it worse, I guess. I always find a way to blame myself for feeling bad: I wasn't trying hard enough or I was trying too hard. 

 

today my goal is simple: stop expecting to feel better than I do. accept what I actually feel. we'll see how that goes. 

 

today I am grateful for this beautiful weather

I am grateful for library books

I a grateful there is a Unitarian Universalist church in a town 30 minutes away that I can go to

 

my plan for church is to avoid all caffeine, expect to be nervous, don't expect to enjoy it because I don't like being new places and trying to meet new people, and plan on coming home after and doing nothing but reading. it's a plan. 

[Happy2Heal]

sounds like a good plan!!

 

I'm glad you're going to let up on yourself, I think people are much harder on themselves than they um, "should" be or need to be.

 

I think it could even be counterproductive.

I do the same thing, and you know, not only does it make me feel worse instead of better, it doesn't seem to change things in a positive way, either!!

 

so, let's all be kinder to ourselves, what do you say?  

[JackieDecides]

21 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

let's all be kinder to ourselves, what do you say?

 

god, yes, but it's like that book a smart person recommended to me says - Hardwiring Happiness - we have that negative bias. 

I frequently think "I feel so terrible" and then I remember I am sleeping! I am SO much better because I almost always sleep so much better than I used to. 

 

it's not back to amount of time I used to sleep: regular was maybe 8.5 hours and now I'm at about 7 or 7.5 most night (bad nights it's less) but who knows if that will change. I do know it's the quality of sleep that matters more than the length of time. 

 

today I am sluggish but grateful I am able to drink decaf green tea and get going anyway. I do not "need" caffeine.

 

I am grateful for my job

I am grateful I found a church yesterday that I like very much so far (Unitarian Universalist) 

I am grateful for all the support I have been getting online and on the phone

I am grateful for library books

I am grateful for sleep. 

[JackieDecides]

yesterday was awful for some reason. I had trouble sleeping the night before and so I had real green tea (not decaf) and got a headache later and ate a lot of sugar/crap instead of food and felt depressed. well, glad that day is over. 

 

I am grateful I don't have to look for a job.

I am grateful I have a place to live.

I am SO grateful for library books. Just finished Eat, Pray, Love and Liz is a woman who had terrible depression but got better. in large part because of taking care of herself: eating healthy, doing yoga, and meditating. I really really need to meditate and I'm going to start...this weekend. I'm going to this weekend for sure. 

 

maybe even tonight after work for even 5 minutes? well, maybe. but this weekend for sure. 

[Matti]

Hey Jackie,

 

Sounds like you're doing allright, considering your circumstances. Hope you get settled nicely to the new environment.

 

I did try some meditation just a minute ago. Maybe 5-10 minutes. It was the first time in I don't remember how long. 

 

Good day to you,

Matti

[Carmie]

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Thanks for popping over to my neck of the woods.🌲🌲🌲 I’m very happy to hear that you’ve got a job and a place to live. Yay! Having the basics certainly helps us cope with stress. I’m always grateful that we have electricity and running water too. It’s something we can really take for granted, as not everyone has these things.

 

Sending hugs🤗

[JackieDecides]

On 8/22/2019 at 7:25 AM, Matti said:

I did try some meditation just a minute ago.

 

I did 5 minutes yesterday morning and forgot this morning, will try again.  

 

I think I might want to find a mantra as it may be easier for me than just only thinking about my breathing and being mindful. 

 

I need a short, memorable mantra...time to check youtube?

 

12 hours ago, Carmie said:

I’m always grateful that we have electricity and running water too. It’s something we can really take for granted, as not everyone has these things.

 

amen!

 

today I am grateful for the cooler summer we've been having

I'm grateful for the friendly, lovely church I found in the next town

I'm grateful I found a drum circle to join (yesterday was the first time I've done it - FUN!)

I'm grateful for all these great library books

I'm grateful for all the women who have been talking to and texting and emailing with me. I am not alone, if you count phone calls and cyberspace. ❤️

[JackieDecides]

I am still looking for a mantra I like but while I'm looking plan to try "So Hum" - goes with inhale and exhale.

 

today I am grateful I slept despite having had a cup of real coffee yesterday morning!!

 

I have read Little Women many times in my life and I always think of the chapter where they are sending letters to each other when the sisters' Mom is with their Dad nursing him. Their housekeeper writes to reassure the parents that she keeps the girls on healthy foods and only lets them have coffee once a week. maybe I could do that - coffee once a week. that's doable. 

[JackieDecides]

Monday didn't turn out to be a good day and neither were yesterday and today. I keep making really bad decisions, "toxic coping" as someone said.

 

I've decided that I am having Depression - not just feeling depressed but have fallen into A Depression, with a capital D, and that I didn't recognized it because since being off AD I've been so busy with Anxiety (as well as feeling anxious). 

 

Depression doesn't feel like it did on AD - all flat and muted and something I could just wait out - it's sharp and painful and I keep trying to fight it or run away which doesn't work at all.

 

I'm not explaining myself very good but it might be the stupor I've fallen into after eating way too much food. I've been craving sugar like crazy on top of over-eating everything else. 

 

it feels like a major realization, however, and I think I can do better dealing with it now that I know what's going on. I think. 

 

because I was dealing with both feeling anxious and Anxiety fairly well and when things went to **** this week I didn't know why. now I feel like I do. 

 

so that's my take. 

 

I don't feel grateful for anything just right this moment. well, library books. they can usually distract me like nothing else can. 

[Happy2Heal]

I look at it this way: we feel what we feel, and there doesn't have to be a reason. 

9 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I don't feel grateful for anything just right this moment. well, library books. they can usually distract me like nothing else can. 

 

 

feelings are fleeting, temporary things, they come and they go

 

if you feel like crap, depressed or anxious or whatever, of course you're not going to feel grateful

you don't need to be or feel grateful.

 

I think of the gratefulness practice as a way to put things into perspective.

we all have feelings, sometimes very strong ones, about our lives and situations and events in our lives, about the people we have to deal with and the people we want in  our lives that aren't there.

 

it's easy to get into a victim mindset or a self pity mindset and feel like things are awful and will never get better, even though we know that's not true

 

if we look for the things that are good in our lives, and know that those things are gifts, then we can put things in perspective and that eases the feelings of deprivation or of anger or envy or whatever we may be feeling.

 

does that make any sense?

 

you can force yourself to acknowledge that there are things to be grateful for in your life, but if you don't really *feel* grateful for them, this practice doesn't do much to help your mood or change your outlook.

that's my opinion, anyway.

I think of it as a tool, a self help tool, one that I find very soothing, at times. it's not an obligation or a miracle cure for crappy feelings. 

 

I don't know if I"m making any sense.

 

I do know that when I feel real gratitude for what I have, it changes something inside me.

and I like that change. 

 

I pray that you can find ways to soothe those sharp painful feelings, and know that you are not alone in this. I pray that you feel better real soon and have really good things to truly be grateful for.

❤️

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

On 8/29/2019 at 5:11 AM, Happy2Heal said:

if we look for the things that are good in our lives, and know that those things are gifts, then we can put things in perspective and that eases the feelings of deprivation or of anger or envy or whatever we may be feeling.

 

yes, you make perfect sense, I don't see why you doubt that. and beautifully put! 😍

 

and isn't it awesome to be able to write it here? where we can edit? unless real life. 🙄

On 8/29/2019 at 5:11 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I pray that you feel better real soon and have really good things to truly be grateful for.

 

I do feel better frequently and now is one of those times. I had an awesome day and am actually not only not dreading the weekend: I'm looking forward to it!  this is a first. I think it's a giant relief to know I can probably move out of the basement soon, I'm stoked, and I have a few things to look forward to. and right this moment? I feel more like Pooh than I do like Piglet. 😊

 

sometimes I feel grateful and I write a list. sometimes I don't "feel" grateful but I do a list as an exercise. it's an intention. I recognize I have things to be grateful for and I list them. 

 

today I am grateful for my job

for my coworkers, some of them, for my patients of course. 

for Pooh's excellent example

for my new town with it's big hills and it's funky neighborhood and friendly downtown and charming shops and the whole area, including another state right across the river

for my basement cave where it's never too hot 

for my new apartment I can probably move to soon

for library books

for emails and texts and phone calls and forums and facebook and people in real life! ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

oh so so very happy that you had a good day and aren't dreading the weekend and have all those awesome things that are good in  your life

 

you so deserve all this. ❤️❤️❤️

[xyz]

oh, Jackie, i was about to post you a reply about your feeling of getting back into A DEPRESSION, and wanted to tell you to not label your experience, and just flow through it and give it time.

now i see that you are feeling better, and that is awesome.

 

sometimes i think that when we have been in AD for a while and get off them, the hardest part is to feel again, withdrawal aside.

it is like learning to walk again, all by ourselves without the jeep, through different and varied landscape.

i am 100 per cent sure that once you settle in your job and living situation, all will be swell. there will be less bump.

[JackieDecides]

47 minutes ago, xyz said:

i am 100 per cent sure that once you settle in your job and living situation, all will be swell.

 

I feel that is true. but feelings are temporary! 😉  I'm learning to accept the ups and downs and I expect they will grow less and less dramatic over time. 

 

thank you both for your support! 🤗

[JackieDecides]

I'm at work even though it's a holiday. Sluggish, today.

 

Struggling with deciding when something like drinking a cup of coffee is good (getting back to normal) or bad (toxic coping). 

 

Might depend on the day: okay one day, not another day. Or, I might be kidding myself.

 

I do seem to have a "caffeine seeking" brain. 🤔

[bubble]

Happy to see you are doing well and settling into your new job

[JackieDecides]

I've been drinking coffee again and I might as well harness the power for good...

 

Things about my apartment I am grateful for:

 

all this room. I have a large kitchen, large living room, and two small bedrooms. not much furniture so it's very roomy.

AC - it's not central air but it's 100% better than no AC

pretty much quiet. about all I hear is my upstairs neighbor walking - very creaky floor - and the sound of his rocking chair and his recliner (wonder if he has carpet?) - I know he has a TV but I have never heard it. 

fun neighborhood to walk in

lots of shelves

 

I'm sure I will think of more. 😁

 

[JackieDecides]

I want this weekend to work better than last weekend did but I have not yet made any plans like I think I should. the unstructured time is not my friend, necessarily.

 

there is a real chance this job I relocated for is not going to "work" long term (I mean support me) - because I'm not getting enough hours. waiting until October's big changes to see what happens then, but meanwhile I'm trying not to dwell on it because I've decided there isn't anything to decide/do about it for now. 

 

meanwhile, it's still hot but the days are much shorter: I must get out my Happy Light. I think I said that last week and then didn't do it. I sort of fell apart last weekend - didn't do most of what I wanted/planned to do. 🤨

[JackieDecides]

already this weekend is better than the last one was! and I have my Happy Light out and ready to use.

 

today I am grateful for:

 

all the tools for self help on the internet - free and available to all

local produce

green tea (not local!) 

my mobility - I can walk for miles, even if part of it is uphill! 

time

 

 I want to practice appreciating all the free time a weekend gives me instead of fearing it. today there are many useful things I will do (clean) and a couple fun ones I can do. 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

this past weekend could have been better and could have been worse...Saturday was OK and Sunday went downhill after the early morning.

 

these past weeks I have noticed first a strong craving for sweets, then depression and irritability all coming on gradually. and yesterday I recognized what it is: 

 

 I am having Seasonal Affective Disorder from moving to Oregon, even if it's not the cloudiest part of Oregon it's still a lot less sun than I'm used to. I just got an encouraging email from my cousin saying "you've dealt with this before" but the major way I dealt with it was by moving to Nevada! 

 

but it does help having a reason behind feeling worse and worse and while it's scary that we barely at the end of summer so it's going to get worse? maybe a lot worse?! I hope knowing what it is means I can fight it.

 

This morning I am using my Happy Light for much longer and I'm going to make other plans as they occur to me. I guess I'll be googling, and searching on this site? for what else I can do. 

 

I'll find out in a week or two, but hopefully I can move out of the basement into an apartment on the first floor. I think that might help and at least couldn't hurt. well, change is hard and it's more change....

 

anyway, I worried that last winter I could have a major depression and I didn't but I was still in Nevada and still had my dog. that was my first winter off SSRIs. I did have anxiety but it didn't really crank up until I decided to relocate. it's really Life things - not having had health insurance, not having family or social support, the constant worry that I am deep in debt and will never get clear, THOSE are the things that mess me up. 

 

I'd like to think this winter I will be stronger, for all that I went through since then. 

 

@Altostrata  do you have any advice specific to SAD?  

 

for sure I am grateful I didn't move further east or to Seattle...but it's pretty scary it's not really even Fall yet, let alone winter. 😳

Edited September 9, 2019 by JackieDecides
ask for help

[JackieDecides]

I'm remember when I had SAD back in Minnesota - I didn't really notice it until November. scary to be having it so early...

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @JackieDecides: as a person who lives in Seattle with a bit of SAD, make sure you get outdoors as much as possible, walk a bit, and use that Happy Light. Sounds like you are aware and taking care of the situation. It’s real but can be mitigated. Maybe string some twinkly lights around to keep that basement apartment cheery 🙂

[JackieDecides]

6 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

It’s real but can be mitigated.

thank you, I'm hoping knowing what it is will help me but there are a lot of dark months coming still!

 

there is a good chance I can move to an apartment up on the first floor in the next building (same complex) on October first. that might help some. 

 

every body says "walk outside" which I will do as much as I can (job, weather) but I'm wondering how much differece the time of day makes. 

now that the season is changing I don't have time to walk before work so it needs to be after work: late afternoon. if it was in the morning it would be in the dark! 

[Altostrata]

15 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Hi @JackieDecides: as a person who lives in Seattle with a bit of SAD, make sure you get outdoors as much as possible, walk a bit, and use that Happy Light. Sounds like you are aware and taking care of the situation. It’s real but can be mitigated. Maybe string some twinkly lights around to keep that basement apartment cheery 🙂

 

Thanks for these good suggestions, @FarmGirlWorks

 

Jackie, I don't know much about treating SAD. As far as I know, the light therapy can work well. Maybe there are other light therapy techniques? Is there a mini you can take to work? Is there maybe a peer support group in your area? Is your SAD exacerbated because you're still adjusting to a new place?

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Is your SAD exacerbated because you're still adjusting to a new place

 

I would guess so, yes. relocating twice in - what was it? - 4 months - that is way too much change and the months I was in Colorado were very, very hard. 

 

things are better here, but I'm tired and depressed.  but I think the light is already helping, I really do. 

[Happy2Heal]

9 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I would guess so, yes. relocating twice in - what was it? - 4 months - that is way too much change and the months I was in Colorado were very, very hard. 

 

things are better here, but I'm tired and depressed.  but I think the light is already helping, I really do. 

yeh you have really been thru  a lot and it's been going on for some time, it's no wonder you're not feeling super duper wonderful

 

my feeling is that sometimes "depression" is our body telling us we need to rest, and it's a good idea, IMHO to listen to our bodies

 

unless our body says eat an entire chocolate cake, then maybe we might want to argue with it about that LOL 

 

 

[xyz]

Hi jackie,

I have a light at home too that I start to turn on at the end of sept every year and it has really helped.

That and exercise. like a heavy sweat everyday , with a warm bold tea with milk when I feel tired. I put some pop music on sometime too.

Yeah, you went through a lot of changes recently.  Just chill out now. Try to set a healthy daily routine and stick to it no matter how you feel. It will get better. You know that