Jump to content
JackieDecides

JackieDecides: Off Lexapro, tapering omeprazole

Recommended Posts

xyz

Hi Jacky,

a new job can be stressful but it is good that you are not in your old toxic environment anymore...

i deal with the same insecurity at work too. younger, smarter new co-workers, but we all feel this sense of inadequacy and they will feel it too when they will reach our age (if they are not already feeling it)

at least, this is what i tell myself.

 

sometimes i try to remember to take more than i give. i think that we are not being selfish enough you know.

if i tell myself, okay this is just a job, that will give me something to distract from my withdrawal while i am redirecting my life. 

no need to fit in, heck with the comparison. then the sense of inadequacy, feeling not good enough, slowly melt away.

i get this all the time too, several times a day if this is of any comfort.

i even found a prayer (i am not kidding girl) when the feeling get too bad, please don't laugh, here you go:

 

"Dear god, let me be content with WHO i am and WHAT I have, and WHERE you are leading me.

Help me have a mindset of confidence, courage, and thankfulness all day long . Amen"

 

 

2167f2f500cbd4337a34fd8d5c053e01--be-thankful-be-grateful.jpg.d40e7e49167084ba51b07779e5e85537.jpg

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal
2 hours ago, xyz said:

"Dear god, let me be content with WHO i am and WHAT I have, and WHERE you are leading me.

Help me have a mindset of confidence, courage, and thankfulness all day long . Amen"

 

 

not Jackie, sorry for the intrusion, just wanted to say I love that prayer, do you mind if I use it? it says everything that I need to be telling myself every day

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides

that is a very nice prayer, XYZ, thank you! 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Just popping in to see how you’re doing? How is that new job of yours going? 

 

Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides

Hi Carmie, thank you so much for asking!

 

my new job is going to be a lot better than the old one (which was so toxic and stressful, "I can't even") but I find the change to a new one stressful, too, and have to remind myself every day to be grateful. when I struggle with the technology ( I have to use an Ipad to document, and I'm doing training online) I tell myself it's good exercise for my brain to have to do something that I find hard.

 

and, everybody here knows what it's like to be struggling and have those bad voices in your head - well, it's MY voice even worse! - "you made a mistake! you will never get this right" and so on.

 

this weekend I have to sign up for benefits and I'm dreading it. even though it's been stressful not having health insurance for a couple years now, it's also stressful getting it. I won't understand a lot of it and am aware that no matter what I choose the insurance will be crappy because that's all most people can have anymore in this country. BLECH. and I'll have to decide if I keep my current concierge doctor or what...it's expensive but it might be worth it, not sure. 

 

it's cold and dark out there but we have to keep on keeping on!  and I am looking forward to spring  and in June it will be 1 year off lexapro and maybe I can then write my success story.

 

or it might be too soon, then, I will decide later.

 

😍  < thank you , Carmie! 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides

for months I've been thinking that the only feelings I get in real, 3D are BAD ones - those come in loud and clear, UNFAIR! 

 

well, yesterday I had a very vivid, good feeling while watching PBS - NOVA did a show on Apollo 8 and the feeling I had watching it was AWE. a very good feeling. didn't last long, but I'm grateful for it. I would recommend the show to anyone, btw, very interesting mission and - it turns out - every bit as momentous as Apollo 11. 

 

today, back to only the background noise of low-level anxiety and nothing else, UGH. at least I know it is temporary. 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

I’m happy to hear that your new job is going well. Yes, it must be stressful though changing jobs, and when one is going through withdrawals everything feels a hundred times more stressful. 

 

Did you get your health insurance? I pay for health insurance myself, but here in Australia our public hospitals are all free and some doctors in general practice bulk bill so they’re free as well. 

 

I’m glad you’re picturing spring time. It will give you something to look forward to. We are in summer here, it’s quite warm. My aircon is getting a good workout. I only have it in the bedroom, and I spend most of my time in there so it comes in very handy. I’ve made me bedroom so cheery. I also have a tv in there. I don’t watch tv, but I watch DVDs in there, and I watch Netflix in the loungeroom. I hate tv, it gives me a restless energy. 

 

I’m so glad you were able to feel some really great positive feelings, even if it was for a short while. I remember at once stage in a wave my anhedonia was so bad, I couldn’t feel any joy. One day I walked outside n I saw beautiful yellow flowers next door, and it was the first glimpse of joy peeking through the numbness I had. I went next door and started taking photos. I’m a bit of a photoholic, was one before the digital age. 

 

Here’s to getting more glimpses of joy in this journey 💚

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides
On 1/1/2019 at 3:20 AM, Carmie said:

Did you get your health insurance?

 

no, not yet. my new job started Dec 17 and if all goes well I will have it March 1st. but health insurance in this country is terrible and I find the entire subject extremely stressful.

 

in other news I was in a big window yesterday and now it's gone. not sure if I am back to what's passing for normal or if this is a wave again; can't tell. 

 

recently I realized I have become someone who turns on the TV "for company". all those years - decades! - I was lonely down to the bone and didn't realize it because I was drugged enough to not care, I used to look down on people who did that. 

and yet I always wanted to watch old sitcoms I'd seen a million times with people Andy Taylor and his Aunt Bee in them for some reason. 

 

I want a do-over. 🤨 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

I’m sorry you haven’t got your insurance as yet, that must be stressful for you. We don’t have to worry about that here in Australia, though I still have private health insurance anyway. 

 

I’m glad you had a big window even though it disappeared again. It helps us see we will stabilise again when we get windows.Are you getting any more windows? 

 

It looks like you have a good distraction with your shows. When going through withdrawals it’s definitely time for self care, doing things just for the sake of doing them n finding distractions to help us cope. I hope you find many more distractions to help you cope. I hope you’re doing okay at work. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Hope you’re finding your old shows to be a good distraction. I love Murder She Wrote, I have a few seasons on DVD,  I must get some more. The coolest lady detective ever!  Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides

something I am having trouble remembering: I am doing so much more than I was last summer. I am working full time for heaven's sake, that's a big deal.

so now when I am feeling bad about not being normal, I need to remind myself how far I've come. but it's not easy.

 

On 1/10/2019 at 12:46 AM, Carmie said:

Hope you’re finding your old shows to be a good distraction.

 

sometimes this is how it works - or this is how it starts.  but one of my biggest distractions is binge eating, and it is, of course, terrible for me. that and mindlessly scrolling on facebook - telling myself I'm keeping "in touch" with people - go along with watching TV shows I've already seen so many times I have them memorized. rather than comforting myself, I am boring myself! 

 

I had binge eating disorder forever, including when on AD but it's back much worse just lately. I am not just distracting myself from withdrawal, I am distracting myself from life itself, and that's the real problem.

 

I feel I could benefit from old fashioned Talk Therapy*, but don't know where to start. I will have benefits March 1st but first I need to figure out how to use the health insurance and find a doctor and decide if I'm going to keep my current concierge doctor and I am overwhelmed just thinking about any of it. 

 

 *wouldn't it be nice to do it anonymously?  but then the cost of it is a problem. 

 

I wish I could trust myself! I feel like somebody better at it ought to be in charge of my life. I called myself "Jackie Decides" because when I am feeling good, that's who I am or want to be - the person in charge. but over the long term, I have learned not to trust myself. I am constantly falling off the daily exercise train or letting the organic greens turn to black slime in the fridge while I eat junk food. 

 

it's Friday: I should feel good about that. but weekends are hard, too, no work but no people to talk to, either.  well, I am invited to a party on Sunday, but will I go? I don't know.

 

I haven't been to church in months, now, it's too far way! the people there are too good, all the time volunteering and doing good works, where do they get the energy? it's a Unitarian Universalist Church and - when I feel good - I think their values are exactly what I want for myself. but when I'm there, I feel incredible envy - they all seem to be retired (I'll NEVER be able to retire!!) and happily married and, frankly, rich.

 

well, this was a bit of a rant, wasn't it? guess I'll go get ready for work now. 😐

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Wow! You’re doing well if you can work full time. It’s always good to see how far we’ve come. I’ve still got many years to go to get off the last 7.5mg, maybe ten if I do the brassmonkey slide next. I can’t taper by 10%, only by around 4% to 5%, and I won’t be jumping off until I’m down to 0.0something. I will continue to modify things though according to how my body is doing.

 

I’m so sorry that you end up binge eating while watching tv shows and the like. I know therapy can cost a lot. I’ve found the thing that’s helped me the most with different emotions and problems has been FasterEFT. I have a friend that’s a practioner, but I haven’t been there for that for ages. You can do itself though at home, it doesn’t cost a cent. I don’t find just talking about things releases the emotions connected to whatever is our problem. A lot of the problems are because of what our subconscious is holding onto. I’ve been really slack with doing it this year though.

 

Take care, and continue to keep us updated on how you’re doing. This is a good space to journal your journey. Sending hugs🤗

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
JackieDecides

this weekend I socialized twice and I don't have anyone in my life to tell this: it was exhausting. I feel like I have trouble enjoying myself when I have to spend so much time trying to act normal, do you know what I mean? I have to remember to hold back from saying "I am frequently so anxious I can barely work, but in general things are better than they were last summer" instead of "fine, I'm fine, how are you?". 

 

I was just at a birthday party for a one year old boy at a bowling alley and I needed that beer I drank: it was loud and I had to participate in a sport I haven't played for decades and was never any good at. in front of people I know, and some I don't. 

 

I don't mean to complain, I just mean I now feel like I need a REST and instead I have to go back to work tomorrow. all week. 🙁

 

on the other hand, I often feel that I actually do better on weekdays because I have structure and I don't dare do things like have regular caffeine: fear of high blood pressure and anxiety in general keeps more on the straight & narrow, if that makes sense. 

 

geez, I haven't had been in a long time. 😏

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×