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Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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Happy2Heal
23 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

have had a relaxing day. My mother came to visit for a half hour and i walked the dogs. I have just ate some takeaway food which was ok however im fussy lol. 

 

Im watching xfactor and lost my bet who would win

 

hahaha, oh well, did you put any money on that bet?

 

it's great you can have a relaxing day, so nice to spend time with your mom and walk the dogs too.

animals are wonderful stress relievers (sometimes, anyway LOL)

 

 

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Leo1983

My time spent as an addictions nurse taught me not to gamble. 

 

It was a verbal bet.

 

Aww yes - some mornings i want to lock the outside. They can be hard work. 

 

I did nothing much. I could bot sleep today... i miss a power nap. 

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Happy2Heal

regarding that 1%- it seems like I just went thru a bit of a wave.

very mild, but def not pleasant

but I'm ok now

 

if I had done a proper taper, I'd actually still be on lexapro now, at a dose of 0.16 I believe, so considering that, I'm doing pretty darn well I'd say

 

so, I guess that was my 13 1/2 month post zero wave.....? LOL 

I had the 10 month wave, are there others?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides

I'm glad you feel better; how long did it last? I feel like I've been in a wave for, I don't know, a week? 10 days?

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Happy2Heal
12 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm glad you feel better; how long did it last? I feel like I've been in a wave for, I don't know, a week? 10 days?

 

aw sorry to hear that. 

I'm not sure how long the wave was, because I didn't see it as one til it suddenly ended and for no apparent reason, I felt 1000 times better

 

that's when I think it's gotta be WD/recovery related, when the change is sudden and dramatic like that

 

if I had to guess, I'd say it was about 10 days to 2 weeks long....?

 

If I had tapered the way you're supposed to, 10% of current dose, I would have been at zero around the middle of 2019, I think (I should write the date down, so I don't keep forgetting)

 

so in my mind, the fact that I'm doing so well this "early" is a major bonus

and the fact that I may still have waves is to be expected, really and something I shouldn't worry about nor freak out about

 

I also had tried to get off this med, the lexapro, many times!!  I was off once for 7 mos, but I'd gone off CT and was so miserable I went back on it. And felt immediately better.

funny thing is, each time I got to a lower dose and then had the symptoms relieved by reinstating, it just reinforced the idea that I "needed" the drug and wouldn't do well without it.  that I had a biologically based or chemically based "illness" that was being "corrected" by this drug, these chemicals

 

now I know the truth: the drug caused a  chemical imbalance in my brain and now my brain is trying to get back to it's "factory settings"  

 

this is the first time in my journey that I can say that healing is no longer linear.

I have very long, super good windows with the rare wave (so far since getting to zero, this is the second one, the first one was at 10 mos off)

 

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WarriorWomanLV

Happy, what did your recent wave look like? What were the symptoms? I hope you feel better by now. 

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JackieDecides

Happy, it's so wonderful to read your posts as  I am always enormously encouraged. 😍

can you tell us more about what it means when healing is non-linear? 

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JackieDecides
Quote

I'm not sure how long the wave was, because I didn't see it as one til it suddenly ended and for no apparent reason, I felt 1000 times better

 

this is my experience, too, don't know I am in a wave at the beginning of it.

 

I think one is receding for me just lately, and it's "going away" is more obvious. 

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Happy2Heal
4 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

Happy, it's so wonderful to read your posts as  I am always enormously encouraged. 😍

can you tell us more about what it means when healing is non-linear? 

 

on the forum it's usually said that healing is non linear, meaning that you get better and then you have symptoms that seem to put you behind, sort of like one step forward, two steps back, I guess?

 

it's up and down.

my symptoms over the course of the past few years *were* actually linear,  in contrast to what most say is the pattern.

I did get better and better, very slowly mind you, but I never went backwards.
 

Now I'm feeling mostly healed but I have had the non linear pattern of symptoms that were from a long time ago, symptoms I"ve not had in a long time.

 

does that explain it ?

 

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Happy2Heal
3 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

this is my experience, too, don't know I am in a wave at the beginning of it.

 

I think one is receding for me just lately, and it's "going away" is more obvious. 

 

yes when this wave hit, I didn't know it was a wave- I just thought I was having a couple of bad days.

the symptoms were mostly cortisol spikes around 5 am and some anxiety and odd fears, that come out of no where...

no physical issues, it was mostly just feeling bad and having odd thoughts that were disturbing

 

I did the wrong thing, I tried to deny these feelings and thoughts and run away from them, and that of course didn't help

I kept thinking, I'm OFF the drug, it's been over a YEAR since I took any at all, this should not be happening

 

but I had to accept that I was having symptoms and that they were very much like WD recovery symptoms and when I did that,

I felt a rush of relief

I was like, ok, WD symptoms? been there, done that! I can handle this, it won't last long, and then I'll feel better

 

shortly after acknowledging and accepting the wave, it abated.

 

it's weird that it goes that way for me.


I get stuck in this expectation that things are primarily really good now and so I don't expect anything that's "not good" LOL

when something not good comes along, it doesn't fit into the picture I have in my head of how my life is supposed to be now

so i kinda reject it, I guess

 

I'm kind of a mess when it comes to accepting reality sometimes I guess you'd say LOL

 

how have you been going?

 

good I Hope!!

 

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Happy2Heal
5 hours ago, WarriorWomanLV said:

Happy, what did your recent wave look like? What were the symptoms? I hope you feel better by now. 

hi WW
i just posted above with the symptoms

 

I am feeling better now, thanks

:)

 

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JackieDecides
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I'm kind of a mess when it comes to accepting reality sometimes 

me, too! and I totally understand your non-linear explanation.

 

I think AD are the ultimate in covering up/running from feelings - if nothing else, they train us not to care about the bad ones. instead of facing them or just feeling them.

 

whatever healthy people do.  but then, that's us - healthy people, on the road to even more healthy. 

 

good for you for accepting the wave. ❤️

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Happy2Heal

little update-

 

that wave I had (pretty sure that's what it was) is over and I do feel, once again, at a higher level of healing.

Much more stable and settled into myself once again.

 

it's so weird how it happens that I think that things can't get any better and then they do!

 

I check on the threads of some other members here, esp those for ppl who are withdrawing off of lexapro, and I think about how incredibly lucky I am, after being on that drug for over  a decade, to be where I am now. I see ppl struggling when they were on it for a much shorter period of time and/or at a lower dose.

I am so very thankful that my healing has gone the way it has. 

I am now working on the kinds of issues that got me diagnosed with a "mental illness" in the first place- all issues that stem from early trauma and a chaotic early adulthood. 

I never learned to identify my feelings, I never learned what to do with them (in fact, I learned in childhood that it wasn't safe to admit to having any feelings at all) I got a book called "When Food is Comfort"

I don't really have a serious problem with eating,  although I do gravitate towards eating sweets to soothe myself sometimes.

However I came across the book when looking for information on  learning how to nurture oneself. There's entire chapters that address identifying feelings and all the stuff I need to work on! 

 

so I bought a second hand copy of the book and my therapist is going to help me work thru it. So far it's going pretty well.

I am also relieved to learn that my therapist gave me a very generic diagnosis, "adjustment reaction".

yay! 
I was labelled schizophrenic for many years, then schizoaffective disorder, then bipolar disorder and then from age 30 on, as they heaped on more drugs, they heaped on more labels.
I could not possibly have had all the different diagnosis' I was given. 

 

it's funny, and not in a ha ha way either, but my medical records are full of erroneous diagnosis' too!  I guess they dont' get paid unless they slap some label on your, eh??

 

It would be very bad for me if I needed to buy my own insurance, because according to my medical records, I've got over 40 pre existing conditions!! (many that I literally have never had! how they get away with this, I do not know!)

 

 

anyway, that's my rant about the so called health system, it's more like a sickness system than a health system! :P

 

long story shortened not one bit, I'm doing great. 
I did lose one of my rats last Sunday, he passed away literally of old age, passed peacefully at home.

That leaves just 3 rats plus my two new gerbil boys.

 

I am going to phase out rats, I'm not home very much and they need a lot more care than the gerbils do, and just have gerbils from now on.
That should save me a lot of money too, rats can get expensive, and maybe I will use that money to travel or something...

not really sure what I want to do!

but it's great to have options and it's fantastic to be healthy enough to be thinking about all these options!!

 

wishing you all speedy healing!

 

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Leo1983

You mean me? On it for 3 months and still suffering 6 months later. 

 

That drug is the new Paxil from my findings. There is something that drug does to folk. 

 

Anyways i am better than i was 6 months ago. So lets see.

 

Well done happy 

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Happy2Heal
2 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

You mean me? On it for 3 months and still suffering 6 months later. 

 

That drug is the new Paxil from my findings. There is something that drug does to folk. 

 

Anyways i am better than i was 6 months ago. So lets see.

 

Well done happy 

 

oh Leo I didn't have anyone specific in mind, sometimes I just look at signatures without connecting them to the member's name, to get an idea of how long people have been on lexapro.

 

it's a horrible horrible drug!  they are all bad, but it seems like paxil and lexapro are two of the  hardest to get off of.

 

 

you were on 4 different drugs prescribed over a short period of time!  that complicates things! the more drugs you've been on, the more you have to recover from.

you also had some severe problems with side effects right away. 

I had almost no side effects when I went on lexapro, at least very few that I noticed (there was the lexapro yawn and some tightness in my jaw, neck and shoulders, that's all I can recall)

 

anyway we are all so different, it doesn't do much good to make comparisons

 

then again, it's hard not to make comparisons when you're trying to gauge where you are in recovery and how much further you might have to go.

I guess it's one of those things where you prepare for the worst and hope for the best, I don't know.

 

I'm just very very fortunate (knock wood) that things went better for me that  I could have hoped, is all.

 

 

 

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JackieDecides
17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I never learned to identify my feelings, I never learned what to do with them (in fact, I learned in childhood that it wasn't safe to admit to having any feelings at all)

 

me, too, although I think it was only "bad" feelings I wasn't allowed to have or express.  I do have an eating disorder so I will look into the book you mentioned. although I have, truly, dozens of "self help" books I have already bought and not yet read...

 

17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

it's funny, and not in a ha ha way either, but my medical records are full of erroneous diagnosis' too!  I guess they dont' get paid unless they slap some label on your, eh??

 

oh my god, this is so true. I only got one: bipolar II - but it was pure crap, all caused by "anti" depressants. so called! 

 

 

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JackieDecides
17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

maybe I will use that money to travel or something...

not really sure what I want to do!

but it's great to have options and it's fantastic to be healthy enough to be thinking about all these options!!

 

you give me hope!  maybe next year I can make some kind of trip, I haven't been able to for years. 

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Happy2Heal
1 hour ago, JackieDecides said:

me, too, although I think it was only "bad" feelings I wasn't allowed to have or express.  I do have an eating disorder so I will look into the book you mentioned. although I have, truly, dozens of "self help" books I have already bought and not yet read...

ah yes, the so called "bad" or negative emotions. those were not allowed!

what was allowed? happiness, even if it was fake, so long as it made my mom look good or feel better about how crappy she was to all of us

Gratitude, that was expected, and you had to make it look genuine 😕

sympathy for my mother for all that she had to deal with as well as her crappy childhood which was "so much worse" than ours, so we "should be grateful". LOL

 

in addition, they were only a very few emotions identified, I am learning now that there are so many more! 

 

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Happy2Heal

just reading Brass's post about post zero, wish I'd read this a few months ago, hahaha

 

 

it seems I did have the 10 month wave and a slightly delayed 12 mos wave- it was more like 13 mos for me (late November)


I wasn't sure that they were waves at the time but now I'm fairly sure that was it. I was thinking it was possible PTSD stuff, and maybe that's been a factor, but the symptoms went away so fast- I don't know that PTSD works that way.

 

 

I admit to being a bit hypervigilant about another wave...I guess after the experience of acute WD, I may deal with this hypervigilance for some time, but I am doing my best to stay in the moment and to soak up all the good things that are happening

I've been having the most wonderful times with friends, and it just makes me so very happy to have made it to this place in my life, where I can feel the love of others and my love for them.

I couldn't feel these things on the drugs, I was numb

 

 

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JackieDecides
45 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

it just makes me so very happy to have made it to this place in my life, where I can feel the love of others and my love for them.

I couldn't feel these things on the drugs, I was numb

 

amen!  I was numb, too. but you give me hope that I can start to feel the good stuff*. like LOVE, wouldn't that be great? 

 

I practice on my dog and - even though dogs are easy to love - it's still doesn't feel like a real 3 dimensional  emotion. I guess I just need to keep practicing. 

 

you know what else doesn't seem right? my imagination. just something simple like visualizing is difficult and I swear I used to imagine all sorts of things. I hope that comes back, too. 

 

*the bad stuff is so easy to feel, where do we write to complain about that?

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Hibari

Just wanted to stop by H2H to soak up your optimism.

 

I still am having a hard time with my wd and reinstatement.   Also, the benzo use is creeping up due to lack of sleep and horrible wd symptoms.

 

I also want to thank you for your supportive message on my thread about looking inside for answers. 

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Happy2Heal
6 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

amen!  I was numb, too. but you give me hope that I can start to feel the good stuff*. like LOVE, wouldn't that be great? 

 

I practice on my dog and - even though dogs are easy to love - it's still doesn't feel like a real 3 dimensional  emotion. I guess I just need to keep practicing. 

 

you know what else doesn't seem right? my imagination. just something simple like visualizing is difficult and I swear I used to imagine all sorts of things. I hope that comes back, too. 

 

 

I firmly believe that you will feel love and everything else again, Jackie

 

I bet your dog is loving all your practice!! ❤️

 

oh you know, I had this same problem... and kinda do, still, to a certain extent. I used to be able to spend a lot of time daydreaming and imagining things and during WD, that became very hard to do, in fact, 

at times,

impossible

I'm so glad you mentioned it.

 

I am dreaming more now, and I love that, even when it's odd dreams, like last night I dreamt that there was a baby boy who was really cute and I wanted to hold him.

I woke up and was imagining how sweet little babies (sometimes) smell and their warm bodies and how good it feels to snuggle with them...

 

it was nice, even though my only child is a girl, one of my sisters had 4 boys, and I think the dream was based on one of her boys.

 

 

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Happy2Heal
3 hours ago, Hibari said:

Just wanted to stop by H2H to soak up your optimism.

 

I still am having a hard time with my wd and reinstatement.   Also, the benzo use is creeping up due to lack of sleep and horrible wd symptoms.

 

I also want to thank you for your supportive message on my thread about looking inside for answers. 

 

oh Hibari,I know you are going thru such a tough time {{{{gentle hugs}}}}

 

you're going to make it thru this, you are.... you are working so hard to handle the symptoms. Maybe too hard, I don't know... *shrug* 

sometimes we think that something needs to be DONE when really all we need to do is "be" and let whatever is happening, happen.

it's a kind of radical acceptance of reality that is very very hard to achieve. I've tried a few times, I think one time I was actually able to do it for like, 5 mins...? LOL

 

 

I"m glad you got some sleep, sometimes that's enough to get you over the hump, you know?

 

how is the weather were you are? super windy day today but I bundled up good and went for a walk, the sun was out, it was GREAT!
it's winter in New England and we don't have a lot of sunny nor dry days (no snow or ice on the ground right now, yippee!) so I want to take advantage of these days when I can

 

being out in the sun, even for a few mins, makes such a difference to my mood.

If it's really bad outside, I will go out on my front stoop and stand in the sun and look upward and soak it in, even if for a few mins, you know?

 

I think the sun is even beneficial on cloudy days, at least I know you can get a sunburn in the summer on a cloudy day so I guess it gets thru the clouds somehow, eh LOL

 

oh I so wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone who is struggling right now, feel better RIGHT NOW!

 

 

 

 

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Hibari
2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

oh Hibari,I know you are going thru such a tough time {{{{gentle hugs}}}}

 

you're going to make it thru this, you are.... you are working so hard to handle the symptoms. Maybe too hard, I don't know... *shrug* 

sometimes we think that something needs to be DONE when really all we need to do is "be" and let whatever is happening, happen.

it's a kind of radical acceptance of reality that is very very hard to achieve. I've tried a few times, I think one time I was actually able to do it for like, 5 mins...? LOL

 

 

I"m glad you got some sleep, sometimes that's enough to get you over the hump, you know?

 

how is the weather were you are? super windy day today but I bundled up good and went for a walk, the sun was out, it was GREAT!
it's winter in New England and we don't have a lot of sunny nor dry days (no snow or ice on the ground right now, yippee!) so I want to take advantage of these days when I can

 

being out in the sun, even for a few mins, makes such a difference to my mood.

If it's really bad outside, I will go out on my front stoop and stand in the sun and look upward and soak it in, even if for a few mins, you know?

 

I think the sun is even beneficial on cloudy days, at least I know you can get a sunburn in the summer on a cloudy day so I guess it gets thru the clouds somehow, eh LOL

 

oh I so wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone who is struggling right now, feel better RIGHT NOW!

 

 

 

 

Thank you H2H.  

 

I'm a New England gal myself though I live in a big city now.  

 

It's very cold and clear here.  I was able to get out for about 15 mins tonight with my husband.  

 

I wish my symptoms weren't so much in the foreground but they are right now.  Lots of headaches, shaking and nausuea.  Just 5 months ago they were there but in the background.  

 

I think I am more accepting of where I am. I realize my life has been turned upside down and I will land somewhere else.  That I'm accepting.   

 

Feeling so physical ill has been the hardest part to accept.  It unfortunately has debilitated me for now but I'm hoping not forever.  

 

I still hold your words in my head about looking inward for whar I need and not so much outward.  

 

Baylissa said to me that I have to do whatever I need to feel safe and keep going.  

 

You both gave me those thoughts to hold into.  

 

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Hopetobefree

Hi Hibari,

 

Ive been reading your thread for a little while now because I'm on Lamictal and will be tapering off it in the future. I'm so sorry to see you are really going through some immensely challenging times. It will get better it has to get better. When I was at my worst with cold turkey benzo withdrawal I never thought Id function normally again but I did. Unfortunately I'm now in Lexapro withdrawals from a too fast taper - I didnt know you could go through antidepressant withdrawals too! Baylissa has been my beacon of light in this horrible hell for the past 10 months her faith in me healing is all I need to keep on holding on. Hoping things improve for you soon. 

Hope

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