Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I guess I need to accept that my brain has some more healing to do.

 

that sounds right.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. 

[mimi]

21 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

But I am starting to feel stronger again.

Thank you very much, Happy2Heal. I'm happy that you feel stronger again 😊

And that you have lovely Maggie for company. Animals are such a blessing.

Sending hugs 🧡

 

[Happy2Heal]

21 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

that sounds right.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. 

thanks

just accepting what's happening made things better instantly

 

so, I'm having the occasional mildish wave, it's ok

I am more relieved that I'm not depressed, and that the symptoms will resolve by themselves as my brain continues to heal from decades of psych drugs messing with it 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, mimi said:

Thank you very much, Happy2Heal. I'm happy that you feel stronger again 😊

And that you have lovely Maggie for company. Animals are such a blessing.

Sending hugs 🧡

 

thanks Mimi

yes, it's like night and day, I feel so much better. 

Maggie is getting two lady friends soon, and my gerbils got a tank topper,  I hope that will encourage them to come out in the open more often now.
They spend most of their time building and redesigning tunnels in their bedding.
They make the most elaborate tunnels!!

 

I hope you are doing well, mimi

[JackieDecides]

I had a gerbil when I was a kid, after having a hamster and finding they mostly sleep during the day I found my gerbil was much more fun because he slept at night. 

 

reading about your pets makes me kind of miss having these pets, I have only had cats, dogs and birds since I've been an adult. 

 

I have always wanted a rabbit, however. 

[Happy2Heal]

On 2/14/2019 at 7:35 PM, JackieDecides said:

I had a gerbil when I was a kid, after having a hamster and finding they mostly sleep during the day I found my gerbil was much more fun because he slept at night. 

 

reading about your pets makes me kind of miss having these pets, I have only had cats, dogs and birds since I've been an adult. 

 

I have always wanted a rabbit, however. 

 

well perhaps you will have a rabbit someday if your lifestyle allows it......?

the gerbil tank topper did not work out- I think the gerbs were afraid of it, but mostly, since I have a shoulder injury, I can't use the topper. It's not very heavy but it's long and reaching my arms out that far to lift it: not working with a bad shoulder.

Maybe after I have my physical therapy for the shoulder, I'll be ok but right now, nope. Oh well, I was so excited to get it for them. I'm disappointed that I can't use it now.

 

but the gerbils are happy they got new toys, so there's that! they are so easy to please, these little guys!

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

JOURNAL entry (note, I have decided to use my thread as a place to post some thoughts about my experiences with psych drugs, withdrawal and related issues- I will clearly mark those musing-type threads this way)

 

I was on eskalith CR (lithium) for, I think, about 3yrs, when I became suspicious that the drs I had at the time were playing a trick on me. I knew about the placebo effect, and because I had almost no side effects on the lithium, I thought maybe I'd been given a sugar pill, and that the drs were laughing at me behind my back, so to speak, for believing that this sugar pill actually worked. (I had good reasons not to trust these 2 drs that I won't go into here) 

I stopped taking the lithium cold turkey. I also quit smoking at the same time. I was going thru a period of realizing that I didn't need to be abusive to myself, something I'd "learned" to do as an abused child. I didn't like smoking and knew it was bad for me, and I suddenly had this revelation that I didn't need to hate myself, the way I felt my mother hated me. 

 

I quit smoking May 16th 1986. I think I stopped the lithium at roughly the same time. I was ok for awhile but I then things went bad. I was having trouble with anger and paranoia,  my emotions were all over the place. I had trouble thinking clearly, and then I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. I believed I was being watched and followed everywhere (interestingly, I thought my psych doctors were behind this) I went back and forth between believing that they had good intentions (watching over me to be sure I was ok, since by then they were aware that I'd stopped the lithium) to believing that they were persecuting me and wanted to cause me harm.

I started doing very odd things that make no sense to me now, although I recall at the time they seemed very meaningful- things like stabbing the siding on the bldg I lived in by hanging out the window, using a long pair of barber scissors. My behavior got more and more bizarre and my delusions took over. I felt like I was being controlled by forces outside of myself.

I have no explanation for any of this, other than to think I was "mentally ill" , whatever that is!

I do see some connections to some trauma issues, for sure, but that doesn't really explain why I was doing what I did, nor why my emotions were such a mess and I couldn't sleep.

I lost a lot of weight, I walked many miles every day because I couldn't relax, and I was also trying to get away from whomever was following me (I don't drive)

I eventually ended up being involuntarily committed to a state hospital and losing temp custody of my child.

I was put back on lithium but discharged from the hospital without any Rx for more, and no psych docs- the 2 I had previously refused to see me. I didn't even get a referral to a new doc!
and so I went off lithium cold turkey once again, thru no fault of my own (my primary care doc refused to Rx it and by then I was terrified of psychiatrists, so I don't know if I would have seen one if I had been referred, I really don't know)

within a month, I was severely depressed (however I also did not yet have custody of my daughter)

for several more months I suffered with depression and anhedonia, but my sleep had gone back to normal, at least.

 

I think the reason I am remembering all this now is that there are several key features to this story that overlap with my withdrawal from meds this last time.

 

It seems to follow a pattern that may have significance for me in terms of major traumas in my childhood as well as early adulthood- the times that things "flare up" for lack of a better term, coincide with the months that many "bad things" happened to me earlier in my life. 

 

Also, I see some similarities in the course of my WD symptoms from lithium and the WD from lexapro.

the sleeplessness, for sure, and the wt loss, lack of appetite. I had delusions and paranoia with the lithium WD, this time I had dread, intense fear, panic and worry about the end of the world, death fears and the like, every intense and terrifying stuff.

 

sadly a few years later, I moved to a different state, and hooked up with a mental health agency, and got back on lithium, and then antidepressants, which caused side effects that, combined with my PTSD, I believe, made me look like I was manic/psychotic, and I was drugged with more and more chemicals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am just now realizing that these two things happened approx 30 years apart!!!!!!!

I was 30 yrs old when I decided to quit smoking (and if not love myself, at least stop hating myself) and quit the lithium.

I was coming up on my 60th birthday when I decided to get off the lexapro. (although I'd tried to get off it several times before this)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am having waves of symptoms lately that are fairly intense, mostly all psychological symptoms, like dread, anhedonia, anxiety, and sleep disturbance. No emotional spirals and no physical symptoms except perhaps for a lack of appetite.

 

This coincides with the timing of old traumas, as well as being the exact same month that I was going thru similar stuff when I was 30.

 

(musings follow)

I wonder if I will ever be able to tease out the trauma stuff- OR if that's even necessary to deal with it.
Most therapists I've seen have agreed with me that talking about my traumas is NOT helpful, there were far too many, it only triggers me.

 

I have to learn to deal with dissociation, and some other stuff I'm not up to going into here, but if there's any trauma survivors reading this who have suggestions, I'm open to them. What worked for you, that sort of think. You can PM me if you'd prefer.

I do not want to hear the details of any trauma(s), however,  please limit discussion to things that help, please. 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

update time:

I did have a mild but frustrating wave recently, not sure how long it lasted but am coming out of it now

I guess I finally have that non linear windows and waves pattern, whereas my recovery from acute severe WD (2016 to 2017, primarily) was pretty linear and all in the positive direction

 

so this is a bit discouraging, I admit, but it's so mild compared to the early stuff, really, I've got nothing to complain about

(But, being human, I'll complain anyway hahaha)

 

each time I come out of a wave, though, I do feel like I've reached a different, possibly 'higher' level of recovery.

 

or maybe my thinking is getting better and I can make sense of things that were beyond my abilities to understand with the early brain fog etc, IDK

 

anyway, onward and upward! 

 

started a new volunteer job today, enjoyed it, going back to tomorrow, and interested in looking for other different opportunities.

 

not wanting to be home much, I wonder if I'll ever get back to the things I used to do, like my sewing. It now seems associated in my mind with the part of my life when I was drugged and homebound and didn't do anything else. I enjoyed sewing then, now it triggers memories of my life before getting off lexapro etc, and It just gives me a bad feeling, hard to explain.

 

I'll keep my sewing stuff, though, in the hopes that I'll enjoy that hobby again some day.

 

but for now, I want to be out and with people most of the time. so very different from the majority of my life!!

 

friends who knew before, barely recognize me now. All of them are amazed at the transformation.

I am still trying to adjust to it myself!
 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

not wanting to be home much, I wonder if I'll ever get back to the things I used to do, like my sewing

 

my guess is that eventually you will, given enough time. meanwhile, I'm so glad to hear about your socializing, that has to be great. 

[mdwstrx]

 

On 2/18/2019 at 7:06 PM, Happy2Heal said:

, but if there's any trauma survivors reading this who have suggestions, I'm open to them. What worked for you, that sort of think. You can PM me if you'd prefer.

Hi Happy. have you read the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk?  In it, he talks about EMDR therapy and how helpful it is for trauma survivors. Check out the book on Amazon. I think you may find it very helpful. 

[Happy2Heal]

9 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

my guess is that eventually you will, given enough time. meanwhile, I'm so glad to hear about your socializing, that has to be great. 

 

it is, but it's still early yet, for me, at least, having been socially isolated for so very long. I am still learning how to form friendships and manage difficult interactions and all sorts of things I just never had the opportunity to do/practice.

so it's semi stressful too. I don't have any really close relationships but I'm working on it.

For now, it's enough to have people to do things with. Eventually I'd like to have a close friend or two, but I know things like that take time.

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

 

Hi Happy. have you read the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk?  In it, he talks about EMDR therapy and how helpful it is for trauma survivors. Check out the book on Amazon. I think you may find it very helpful. 

not yet, I've heard about it though. I'm going to see if the library has it, I don't have a budget for books right now

thanks!

[JackieDecides]

58 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

it is, but it's still early yet, for me, at least, having been socially isolated for so very long. I am still learning how to form friendships and manage difficult interactions and all sorts of things I just never had the opportunity to do/practice.

so it's semi stressful too. I don't have any really close relationships but I'm working on it.

For now, it's enough to have people to do things with. Eventually I'd like to have a close friend or two, but I know things like that take time.

 

 

 

 

that sounds very realistic of you. 

[Rosetta]

Hi, Happy, 

I love to see how you are doing.  I know it's been a bit difficult lately, but you are seeing improvements after each wave.  That is so encouraging.  Wanting to be out more and socialize is wonderful.  Enjoy!

 -Rosetta

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hi, Happy, 

I love to see how you are doing.  I know it's been a bit difficult lately, but you are seeing improvements after each wave.  That is so encouraging.  Wanting to be out more and socialize is wonderful.  Enjoy!

 -Rosetta

 

thanks so much Rosetta!
 

yes, it's good that the waves are so mild and improvement happens fast.

it looks like I may be about to test how much I can handle, I am seriously considering moving. Only one of the most stressful things I person can do, right? lol

Part of the reason is that I went thru the worst of my WD in this apartment- and sometimes I almost feel like I"m having flashbacks, you know? I wonder if my healing will improve once I'm away from where I lived thru what was without a doubt, the very worst year of my life.

 

 but I have also been here a very long time (over 20 yrs) and it's changed so much, but NOT for the better.... The things I really liked about this place are gone- and now, I  just hate coming back to this apt, it doesn't feel like home to me any more.

 

I could have moved a year ago but I wasn't ready... I wasn't sure. Now I"m sure, and an nice apt has become available, so I think I'm going to go ahead and do it!
 

it feels like the right time. I just hope it doesn't destabilize me or something, but, well if it does, I've been thru it before, I'll manage.

 

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

15 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I could have moved a year ago but I wasn't ready... I wasn't sure. Now I"m sure, and an nice apt has become available, so I think I'm going to go ahead and do it!

 

you are brave, but I think you are right. if it destablize you, you know how to handle it. 

 

at first I thought you meant re-locate, like move to Hawaii or something! 

[Rosetta]

Happy,

That sounds like a good idea.  I wish I could move.  I hope that someday this house will feel like home.  I'm going to try to rearrange it when I feel able, and maybe that will make a difference.  I think you should move.  It might help a lot.  I just went on my first vacation since WD hit hard (after the rapid taper).  I felt so much lighter and in control.  I'm not sure I would feel that way in a different house.  Vacation is "getting away."  But yes, living in a place where you have felt so miserable might not make sense for you now.  If you have no reason to stay in that apartment it is worth the chance that you would feel better in a place that does not remind you of WD.

Goid luck, Rosetta

[Gato123]

Wonderful story!

[Happy2Heal]

On 2/24/2019 at 3:31 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

you are brave, but I think you are right. if it destablize you, you know how to handle it. 

 

at first I thought you meant re-locate, like move to Hawaii or something! 

hahaha I wish I could move to Hawaii, or even just visit

 

yeh, I don't know about brave- the day after I made the decision, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about how I'd handle this, if I'd be able to get enough help, if I'd have enough $, etc etc

but since then, for the most part, I've been able to calm myself down and in fact, in many ways, feel calmer and more settled than before.

 

This all "feels" right. It's gonna be a pain, moving always is, but it's a good move and I'm so excited about it.

I wish I could be in my new place NOW!

 

I will miss my animals, I have to give up the foster rats and re home my gerbils but I've decided that, for once in my life, I am going to be taking care of MYSELF first and foremost.

I've never done that before in my entire life, I've always put someone else's needs above my own.

it's a whole new way of thinking.

at the same time, I want to improve my relationships and form new ones, with some more positive people.

I have some good friends now but I want some who share more of my values, and I think I'll find those people as I pursue my goals.

I want to be more involved with volunteering but I want to find jobs that align with what is important to me.

 

I never really thought ahead to what my life would look like in my 60s, to be honest, I didn't expect to make it to 40

Then I was drugged on SSRis' for most of those years between 40 and now, and while I did do some things that I enjoyed, and made some minor changes, I  became more and more socially isolated.

Now I'm out with people a lot more and actually finally feel the need to cut back and spend more time with self reflection and goal setting and just taking care of myself overall.....

it's weird. I didn't realize that I could do all these things.

I think we can only make the life for ourselves that we can imagine, and I am now realizing that there are very few limits on what I can do- it's all up to what I can "see" myself doing.

 

I've had a few intense but extremely brief waves (lasting minutes to a few hours) but I've made some huge changes in recovery in the past week or so-

I can now sleep without needing a radio or tv on.

I wake up so calm most days.

 

I've had some short emotional spirals, mostly revolving around loss (moving after living here for over 20yrs, there are good memories as well as bad ones- and I feel the losses of the cats and rats that I had while I lived here, losses I wasn't able to feel when they happened due to the drugs)

 

it's a bit of a roller coaster ride but moving always is, even without the complications of recovery

 

wish me luck, please! 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 2/24/2019 at 4:14 PM, Rosetta said:

Happy,

That sounds like a good idea.  I wish I could move.  I hope that someday this house will feel like home.  I'm going to try to rearrange it when I feel able, and maybe that will make a difference.  I think you should move.  It might help a lot.  I just went on my first vacation since WD hit hard (after the rapid taper).  I felt so much lighter and in control.  I'm not sure I would feel that way in a different house.  Vacation is "getting away."  But yes, living in a place where you have felt so miserable might not make sense for you now.  If you have no reason to stay in that apartment it is worth the chance that you would feel better in a place that does not remind you of WD.

Goid luck, Rosetta

 

 

thanks Rosetta

I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation. where did you go?

I like rearranging my living space, normally, this is just a much bigger rearrangement LOL

 

the time is right, the place I live now is falling apart, literally and the owner has no intention of doing anything about it

 

the place I'm moving too has a landlady that is constantly upgrading and improving the property, BIG difference.

it's clean, bright, well cared for and the other ppl in the bldg are nice, can't really ask for better than that.

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 2/26/2019 at 2:54 PM, Gato123 said:

Wonderful story!

thank you Gato123

[JackieDecides]

I do wish you luck!

 

I have more to say about your post but I am on my stupid phone because my computer died, a new one should be delivered today so hopefully I can post in a normal fashion again this weekend sometime.

 

Good luck!!!

[Rosetta]

Happy,

I went to the mountains in Southern Utah.  They were so beautiful.  It snowed a lot.  I love the quiet, calm feeling I have when snow is everywhere.  

Rosetta

[JackieDecides]

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

the day after I made the decision, I was overwhelmed

but it was temporary! thank goodness, you could handle it

as time goes by, do you feel more and more confidence about handling these bad feelings?

this is exactly what we need to do but it still can be so uncomfortable.

 

 

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I have some good friends now but I want some who share more of my values, and I think I'll find those people as I pursue my goals.

I want to be more involved with volunteering but I want to find jobs that align with what is important to me.

 

now that I have a new netbook and can type instead of using my phone, I'd hoped I could say something smart about this. but, apparently, not necessarily.  and this post has your quotes out of order and I don't seem to be able to fix it. 🤨

what I want to express is - this sounds like real High Level living. not like what a person in withdrawal does, not just getting by and solving whatever the current crisis is, but what healthy normal people do for long term. in other words, REAL LIFE at last! 

 

I'm pretty sure there is no clear line between wd and the life beyond it. I'd like to think we can all get to the point where we know, for sure, we are generally healthy but it's gradual and I think that will be especially true the further out we get. 

 

anyway, you are way ahead of me so I will continue to read your posts and hope to improve also

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I  became more and more socially isolated.

 

since this is where I am at, I am very glad to get to see you have moved beyond it as it gives me hope. you serve as my Good Example! 

[JackieDecides]

20 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I went to the mountains in Southern Utah.

 

it sounds wonderful, although we had a snowy February so I am ready for Spring now. 

 

I was only in Utah once - drove through from south to north - but it was just filled with beauty. 

[noearthlyfamily]

On 11/2/2018 at 7:32 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really- when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations. All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.

I knew I had to get off them. and I did. ...

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived. I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  ...

 

... I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events...."

 

 

forgive my paraphrasing...but these parts i was sitting here emphatically nodding my head up and down YES!!!! to..

our stories are similar!

thank you for reaching out to encourage me and others with your triumphant victory lap! ONE WHOLE YEAR plus!!

[Happy2Heal]

you're welcome

you'll soon realize that I am "math challenged"

for example, saying it was almost 40 yrs on meds when in fact it was from 1974 til Oct 2016, that's 42+ years

 

 

but at any rate, it was a long time.

 

Right now I'm at my highest level of healing yet, I've gotten even better since my most recent post on this thread, whenever that was LOL- like over a week ago, things have just gotten better. I"m loving this ❤️

I'm planning a move with all the normal stress that comes with moving, and yet I"m sleeping better and doing better than ever.

Not sure how I"ll be the week of the actual move, when things get intense 😂🤣 but I'm doing fantastic right now (anti jinx hahaha) 

 

I am so glad that I made the decision to get off the lexapro, all of the changes in my life have been for the better. Withdrawal wasn't fun, esp since I went way too fast, but it's all over now.

it was worth it in the end, to be as healthy as I am now. 

 

take is slow and keep it steady and simple and you'll get here too!

 

 

 

[Hopetobefree]

Hi H2Heal,

its so inspiring to hear you just keep getting better and better. I'm still battling the  Lexapro withdrawals but still on 100mg Lamictal which isn't doing much to help withdrawals. I sometimes think about tapering off it at the moment but then tell myself that would be just playing with fire since I cold turkey Clonazapam in 2014 then fast tapered the Lexapro 2018 (i didnt know better) so obviously my nervous system is highly sensitive now. So i wont start the Lamictal taper till I'm recovered from this withdrawal. My question to you is could you tell me your experience in getting off the Lamictal is it as terrible as the Lexapro? I will most likely taper the Lamictal over 5 years do you think this will greatly reduce any withdrawal systems? I know I shouldn't worry too far ahead but its always on my mind. Or do it just do a shorter taper since I was only put on both Lexapro and Lamictal because of benzo withdrawals? 

Regards,

Hope x

[noearthlyfamily]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

"...in fact it was from 1974 til Oct 2016, that's 42+ years

but at any rate, it was a long time.

Right now I'm at my highest level of healing yet, I've gotten even better since my most recent post on this thread, whenever that was LOL- like over a week ago, things have just gotten better. I"m loving this ❤️

... I"m sleeping better and doing better than ever....🤣 but I'm doing fantastic right now (anti jinx hahaha) 

... all of the changes in my life have been for the better. Withdrawal wasn't fun, esp since I went way too fast, but it's all over now.

it was worth it in the end, to be as healthy as I am now. 

take is slow and keep it steady and simple and you'll get here too!"

 

 

 Happy2Heal you are my inspiration right now! 

may i be so rude as to ask your age? if you rather not say please excuse my boldness in asking! (i'm 46, was on the psych meds from 1995 to current day, not counting all the recreational self-medicating and explorations i did prior to that from age 15 until about 1997) 

 

you know how badly it feels like the need to hurry up and get drug free after realizing so many years/decades were wasted feeling crappy, and i can look to your stories and experience to remind me to slow the hell down! haha i am definitely learning the hard way. i guess most of us do though. i feel bad right away when i'm trying to go too fast or trying to change too many things all at one time, boy howdy does my body let me know!! 

 

ps how did you get to change your username on here? i see in the early posts they are calling you by a different name.  

 

HUGS! and chocolate

[Happy2Heal]

42 minutes ago, Hopetobefree said:

Hi H2Heal,

its so inspiring to hear you just keep getting better and better. I'm still battling the  Lexapro withdrawals but still on 100mg Lamictal which isn't doing much to help withdrawals. I sometimes think about tapering off it at the moment but then tell myself that would be just playing with fire since I cold turkey Clonazapam in 2014 then fast tapered the Lexapro 2018 (i didnt know better) so obviously my nervous system is highly sensitive now. So i wont start the Lamictal taper till I'm recovered from this withdrawal. My question to you is could you tell me your experience in getting off the Lamictal is it as terrible as the Lexapro? I will most likely taper the Lamictal over 5 years do you think this will greatly reduce any withdrawal systems? I know I shouldn't worry too far ahead but its always on my mind. Or do it just do a shorter taper since I was only put on both Lexapro and Lamictal because of benzo withdrawals? 

Regards,

Hope x

hi Hope, wow you've been thru the wringer, eh? so sorry you're going thru all this

as for me,

I went off lamictal cold turkey and I don't recall having withdrawal symptoms.

That left me on just a PRN of klonopin, that I took only rarely, as I was afraid of getting addicted to it, and the lexapro at 20 to 30 mgs, that I kept trying to get off, so I was up and down in my dose and I DEF DO NOT RECOMMEND that!!!  I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd found out about WD and going slow and steady but I cant' beat myself up about that, cuz I just didn't know. I didn't have any reason to even look for help with it, I believed the drs who said there was no WD off these drugs (GRRRRRR!!!)

 

 

so I don't know what to tell you. I wasn't aware that there could be any WD symptoms from going off these drugs, I was told for years that they were out of your system in a matter of days and couldn't cause any long term issues, so for all I know, I did have symptoms but attributed them to something else.

Usually I was told that my WD symptoms were caused by a new or worsening pre existing mental illness (grrr!!)

 

I would follow whatever advice the mods and/or Alto give you as far as your tapering off of the lamictal and lexapro. 
personally, I would guess that the lamictal is helping a little with WD symptoms, even if it doesn't feel like it, but that's really based on my very limited experience with using tiny tiny bits of lamictal to help with my WD symptoms off of lexapro. 

 

You'd need to ask someone who has more knowledge about this. I know a very few ppl who do taper off more than one drug at the same time, can't recall the user names but it can be done. I dont' know if it's a good idea in your case. I basically know what NOT to do, which is go too fast or bounce around in doses.

 

wish I could be more help

[Happy2Heal]

10 minutes ago, noearthlyfamily said:

 

 Happy2Heal you are my inspiration right now! 

may i be so rude as to ask your age? if you rather not say please excuse my boldness in asking! (i'm 46, was on the psych meds from 1995 to current day, not counting all the recreational self-medicating and explorations i did prior to that from age 15 until about 1997) 

 

you know how badly it feels like the need to hurry up and get drug free after realizing so many years/decades were wasted feeling crappy, and i can look to your stories and experience to remind me to slow the hell down! haha i am definitely learning the hard way. i guess most of us do though. i feel bad right away when i'm trying to go too fast or trying to change too many things all at one time, boy howdy does my body let me know!! 

 

ps how did you get to change your username on here? i see in the early posts they are calling you by a different name.  

 

HUGS! and chocolate

that's not rude at all, I just turned 63 in Feb.

 

changing your user name is not normally done, I didnt' realize that these posts could be found with an internet search (I probably should have known but was so unwell when I first landed  here, I must not have read all the rules etc or wasn't able to comprehend them at the time, my brain was mush) I was well known on the internet and IRL by the old user name so Alto graciously allowed me to change it.

 

I hope that you will go slow but ahhhhhh yes I understand not wanting to waste any more time on these chemicals.

you will get there, though and you'll save yourself a LOT of pain by going slow.

I now have an added trauma to my list , and that's the entire year from Oct 2015 to Oct 2016, when I was in acute WD. it was terrible and I cant overstate that enough. I did not write much about it while I was going thru it for many reasons but I can tell you it was so much worse than any description that Iv'e given.

 

 

but now it's a distant memory, that's all. whew!

so glad to be where I am now.

 

[noearthlyfamily]

wow Happy2Heal 

 

well i certainly understand the name change and internet stalkers are what i like to refer to as "ankle biters" now, but have been in horrible relationships over the years with them due to my inablity to change my ingrained tendency to repeat past mistakes until this year.  like you, same here with all those forms of abuse you endured, also cult/religious abuse and even abduction. lotta nasty ankle biters and i was too sick at the time to break free..Stockholm Syndrome bigtime. 

 

yes distant memories. good riddance. but for me, now i'm dealing with my family of origin, which i only claim my Grandmother now as my real family in their case. after this xmas i wrote them all off except for her. you haven't lived until you've  watched the psychedelic musical "Tommy", with ann margaret rolling around in baked beans, with your 90 year old Grandmother...at midnite, on turner classic movies!   https://youtu.be/ChGxwRq3YcI   it was a hilarious and fun last nite with her watching that 😂 but i lost 10 pounds in 7 days from the stress my narcisssistic parents caused me. never again!

 

 

2016 was an intense year for a lot of people, so many changes going on. i'm glad it's over too!

 

well i hope you don't mind me hangin round cause i feel like you could be a great mentor. just the willpower to be free and go thru the dark night of WD and recovery after 40...  no 42! years of being doped up...you are such a great example for me. you are truly a success story for me to look to.

 

HUGS

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 3/2/2019 at 9:17 AM, JackieDecides said:

as time goes by, do you feel more and more confidence about handling these bad feelings?

this is exactly what we need to do but it still can be so uncomfortable.

hey there, I just noticed I didn't answer this question

 

yes I do feel more confidence about handling bad feelings, but I do have to work at it too- I have to resist the urge to hide in bed and hope they go away, I have to resist the urge to not allow the feelings, when I feel stressed etc I tend to hold my breath, and that makes me so tired LOL

so when I scan my body regularly to see if I'm holding any tension any where, like my stomach tightens when I'm anxious, I hold my breath typically when I'm stress and aggravated at the same time, different kind than anxiety, etc

 

If I feel like I'm dissociating, I try to feel my feet on the ground and look around the room and try to connect with my physical surroundings first, and then try to connect back up with my body

I ask myself what it was that made me feel unsafe.

 

I find being totally immersed in water, such as swimming at the Y helps me a lot with PTSD related stuff too

 

anyway yes as time goes on, I gained more confidence but that was one thing that time alone didn't help- I needed to screw up the courage to get out and do the things that made me feel scared or anxious

 

the feeling of accomplishment you get is so wonderful, and it builds on itself.

one small task done, you feel the strength to do more and more

 

you're doing awesome keeping a job thru all this AND switching jobs, OMG I can't even imagine doing that when I was at the point where you are now

YOu should give yourself a lot of credit for how well you're doing

 

[JackieDecides]

57 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

you're doing awesome keeping a job thru all this AND switching jobs, OMG I can't even imagine doing that when I was at the point where you are now

 

thank you, but that all blew up last week. basically I gave up my (full time with benefits) job over being too anxious to drive out in the country. I'll write more on my thread later this morning: I have time since I am cancelling my AM patients due to high wind warning and fear of being caught out there in another dust storm. 

I will still be working "PRN" so can make money, that's better than nothing. 

 

but thanks for your kind words! 

[Happy2Heal]

On 3/6/2019 at 10:31 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

thank you, but that all blew up last week. basically I gave up my (full time with benefits) job over being too anxious to drive out in the country. I'll write more on my thread later this morning: I have time since I am cancelling my AM patients due to high wind warning and fear of being caught out there in another dust storm. 

I will still be working "PRN" so can make money, that's better than nothing. 

 

but thanks for your kind words! 

oh sorry to hear about your full time job w/benefits

It will all get sorted, I'm sure

 

how are you doing now?

[Happy2Heal]

I guess I'm a bit superstitious, I've been a little nervous about posting, afraid to jinx things...

 

as I mentioned earlier, I'm in the process of moving. Moving is stressful under the best of circumstances but after WD/recovery and feeling like I've got a sensitive nervous system plus known PTSD, 

I've been worried that the stress would bring on a wave.

 

so far, nope, that has not happened!

in fact a few ppl have noticed and commented on how calm I seem.

calm before the storm?! LOL gosh I hope not.

 

I do feel a certain new level of... I don't know what it is, confidence? knowing that after what I've been thru the past couple of years, I can handle most anything that comes my way;  I think that's what it is?

 

not really sure. But I've done a fantastic job of pacing myself, not getting too far ahead, not stressing about all the "what if's" (what if I can't find enough help? what if my physical injuries get worse?etc )

I'm going thru stuff, sorting, packing, giving things away, donating things and selling a few things to help with the moving expenses

Still going to PT for my shoulder (torn tendon, ouch)

I had to put my volunteer jobs on hold for this month, need to rest my arm and of course, get ready to move.

I am still filling in from time to time at the Congregate dining but they know not to expect me back full time til next month

 

I reconnected with my daughter and her husband, that's been great.

Friends have been very helpful giving me rides to appts and helping with food shopping (I can only carry one bag, I am not able to use my left arm for lifting at all)

 

If I can get thru this move without a wave or any symptoms at all, then I think I will be able to declare myself fully healed.

 

 

so far, so good!