Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[JackieDecides]

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I think I am always wanting to move to a new place now because I am trying to get away from myself and the uncomfortable feelings.

 

me, too. no doubt! 

 

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I want things to come with a guarantee! is that too much to ask?

 

doesn't seem so to me! 😉

[Happy2Heal]

just noticed a post on FB that reminded me that I really started the journey to getting off the lexapro in 2013.

I didn't know anything about WD and ended up moving out of my apt rather impulsively to an apt in a bldg just behind the one I'd been in.

 

was forced back on the lexapro due to terrible WD symptoms. when they subsided somewhat I made the decision to move back to my old apt (18 mos after moving out)

 

the following summer, still not feeling quite right, I again tried getting off lexapro by decreasing the dose by 5mgs a month, thinking this was super slow (didn't know anything about WD still)

by Sept/Oct I was getting hit hard and finally found SA and joined in Dec 2015

 

and here it is, the summer of 2019

Six years later.

been totally off lexapro since Oct 2017 

 

I moved this spring to a new apt, thinking it was a good move, and now, not so sure!

 

I am wondering if my decisions are influenced by what are now, in my opinion, PTSD symptoms from the trauma of WD 

 

I do try to avoid triggers but they are everywhere. I went thru the very worst of my WD in my last apt, and was eager and happy to leave that place and make a new start-

but now I am thinking of moving back. (primarily for financial reasons but also because I"m not comfortable where I am)

 

I realize, thru all of this, that I am very much affected by my surroundings. Sights, sounds, smells..... I think it's always been this way, since I was a kid. I have severe PTSD from childhood traumas. I think the traumas came first, as I believe I was abused in infancy.

 

so, now I guess my challenge is to find ways to deal with the PTSD and any possible lingering mild effects of going off the psych meds after over 4 decades on them. Without making rash and expensive decisions that I may regret later!!

 

it would be so much easier if life would just STAND STILL and let me catch up! or at least let me catch my breath!!

 

I hate having to make decisions - or feeling as if I do- when I have so little confidence in my ability to figure out if I"m just running away from bad feelings and triggers, or making wise choices based on my wants and needs.

 

that's my morning muse

or rant, depending on how you see it.

 

really though, just trying to figure things out.

 

I still have so much to learn!

 

one thing I am VERY grateful for: good friends! 

 

that's something I never had before, really. I need to find ways to let them know how much I appreciate them.

 

 

[JackieDecides]

On 7/12/2019 at 6:23 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I hate having to make decisions - or feeling as if I do- when I have so little confidence in my ability to figure out if I"m just running away from bad feelings and triggers, or making wise choices based on my wants and needs.

 

I am so sorry.

 

and, I feel like I have a similar problem if not as badly as you do.

 

I can't tell how bad my decisions have been in the last year but I need to keep making them and it's exhausting. the last thing we want to do is make our lives harder and every major decision has the potential to do just that. 

 

and life refuses to stand still! ☹️

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Jackie

 

I found this today, it's probably been posted on this site in a different thread but want to put it here so I can find it again easily

 

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/07/190708131152.htm

[JackieDecides]

I just wanted to let you know I still remember and am trying to use the "reframing" thing you posted. (where was that?)

 

I am excited to have a new job! 

I am excited to relocate!

I am excited I am about to head out on a long car trip again!

 

I might have to keep working, hard, on accepting the anxiety that goes with it, but at least it's not 24/7. 

 

😍

[Happy2Heal]

I'm so excited for you!!!

 

I think you're one of the most courageous people I know. 

I thought moving out of my apt was rough, and I only moved a few blocks away

it's  nothing like what you're doing, pulling up stakes in one state, moving to another, and now, once again, moving to a different state to start a new job doing something hard and stressful

 

but you've got lots of tools in your tool chest now, you know better how to handle stress, you know how to take good care of yourself, you know not to try to live too far into the future but just stay and live in the present (something I need to work on more myself)

so you're going to be fine

 

it'll have some rough patches I'm sure but you've got us here supporting you and you've got your own strength and determination....

it's going to be ok.

 

I'm happy you'll have your own place again, I hope that works out well for you. 

 

[Happy2Heal]

after over 4 years of having severe insomnia, I am now able to fall asleep during the day. 

and I'm disappointed in myself, feeling like a lazy sloth for wanting to take a nap. or to want to stay in bed in the morning. the horror LOL

 

 omg, a year or two ago, I would have given anything to be able to take a nap in the middle of the day, and now I'm beating myself up about it.

smdh!!!

 

 when I was going thru the worst of WD, I remember thinking that when it was all over, I would never again take a life without severe symptoms for granted, and here I am, taking these simple (or not so simple) pleasures for granted. and feeling as if I don't deserve them. wow, I'm a puzzling person even to myself LOL

 

 

 

I've got very little energy lately. I think I may be a little depressed. Just writing that triggers a feeling of uneasiness  as well as  this urge to make it not be so. Because then I feel the need to "do something" to "treat" the depression (IF in fact, that is what my low energy and lack of motivation is caused by)

Instead I'm just trying to sit with the feelings and not force myself to do anything to change them, 
I'm trying to just allow them to be.

 

It's funny, I completely let myself off the hook when I think of my current feelings as being possibly from WD. I am reluctant to say that my recovery is not complete because it makes  it seem like recovery takes "forever" and I don't want to discourage anyone who reads this thread, esp those in the early stages of acute WD. 

 

but I think for now it's helpful for me to think of myself as still in recovery, because I treat myself so much better. Weird, I know.

 

What is really amazing is that virtually all of that horrible anxiety that I had is gone. I occasionally have some twinges of it, but that's it.

 

I almost miss the energy that anxiety gave me, but I know in time I will find things that I want to do that will energize me and give me the energy and motivation to get moving again.

 

for now,  I'm a spud. a couch potato.

and it's ok.

 

[JackieDecides]

On 8/3/2019 at 4:10 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I think for now it's helpful for me to think of myself as still in recovery, because I treat myself so much better. Weird, I know.

Heck, whatever works is my motto

 

On 8/3/2019 at 4:10 PM, Happy2Heal said:

What is really amazing is that virtually all of that horrible anxiety that I had is gone. I occasionally have some twinges of it, but that's it

 

That gives me hope!!

[Tweet]

Hi Happy! 

If you don't mind I have a question. Did you go through several days of horrible anxiety followed by a few days of much lower anxiety? 

I am going through this and it seems like a cycle. 

Those days of anxiety break me down so badly 😭

Did the overall level of anxiety fade as it left you for good, or did the days of anxiety get fewer and fewer?

How did it leave?

Thanks for all your helpful and uplifting posts 😊

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/5/2019 at 10:18 AM, Tweet said:

Hi Happy! 

If you don't mind I have a question. Did you go through several days of horrible anxiety followed by a few days of much lower anxiety? 

I am going through this and it seems like a cycle. 

Those days of anxiety break me down so badly 😭

Did the overall level of anxiety fade as it left you for good, or did the days of anxiety get fewer and fewer?

How did it leave?

Thanks for all your helpful and uplifting posts 😊

 

hi Tweet, I'm so sorry I am just seeing this now, I didn't get a notification about it

 

We are all very different but my pattern was mostly very high anxiety early in the day that faded as the day went on.

 

I would also have waves of symptoms with windows of feeling much better, but there was no set pattern to that.

 

I know, the anxiety can be so bad!! try to find as many different ways to deal with it as you can, keep trying new things and see what works for you. Most of the self help techniques can give you at least partial or temporary relief.

Some things, like relaxation, meditation and for me, yoga, very gentle seated yoga focused on mostly breathing- that helped a lot, even though it didn't seem to be helping much at all at first.

With the yoga breathing, I found the benefits multiplied and lasted longer and longer the more often I did it. I was only doing it once a week!

 

I am not 100% anxiety free now, who is? but the terrible chemically caused anxiety is gone.

 

however the things I learned to do to deal with the chemical anxiety have helped me to cope with having real feelings again. So I'm glad I spent so much time trying different things to find what worked for me.

 

How far along are you in your recovery?

how are things going these days?

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

Some things, like relaxation, meditation and for me, yoga, very gentle seated yoga focused on mostly breathing- that helped a lot, even though it didn't seem to be helping much at all at first.

With the yoga breathing, I found the benefits multiplied and lasted longer and longer the more often I did it.

 

thank you for reminding me about breathing. besides starting meditation (again) I want to do breathing exercises. 

 

Dr. Weil says the benefits of  breathing exercise are subtle and increase over time. 

[Happy2Heal]

19 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

Dr. Weil says the benefits of  breathing exercise are subtle and increase over time.

 

 

that has definitely been my experience!!

but they are also noticeable, esp if like me, you've got a bad habit of holding your breath when angry or aggravated!!

just remembering to BREATHE is a big help for me lol

 

[Gato123]

The anxiety was horrific for the first part of the withdrawal. It was always worse in the morning. Some days I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed until 11:00am even though I was waking up at 7 because the anxiety was so overwhelming. Fourteen months out and the overwhelming anxiety is gone. It began to get better before this but I can say it was consistently bad in the beginning. Then it would come and go. I also had a very dark depression along with tinnitus, akathisia, pitted edema in my feet, joint pain, swelling in my knees, twitching, and more. It did go away but it was hell while going through it.

[Tweet]

Just wondering how the hair grows is. I am 14 months out and still losing handfuls everyday. Thx

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, Tweet said:

Just wondering how the hair grows is. I am 14 months out and still losing handfuls everyday. Thx

 

 

I had telogen effluvium, which is losing all the hair in the resting stage- google it for more info.

anyway I had it the first time after being sick with the flu, then a second flu and then pneumonia, plus going thru WD/recovery.

that was back in 2016 I think? yes, that sounds about right.  The problem seems to be chronic, at least for me, so far. I will start to re grow my hair and It will be ok for awhile and then suddenly I'll lose all the hair in the resting stage again.

But then you need to remember, I was on all kinds of drugs for over FORTY years of my life, so I wasn't just coming off ADs, you know?

 

we are all so different.

I don't think most ppl have the problem I do. You probably won't, I mean.

😉

[Tweet]

Thanks for your reply, 😊

sorry for your hairloss history.

I have always had beautiful, thick hair. No hair loss before wd. 

Any ideas on hairpieces, etc.?

[Happy2Heal]

9 hours ago, Tweet said:

Any ideas on hairpieces, etc.?

sorry no, I just  deal with it. Never even considered hair pieces. 

 

my head gets really cold in the winter so I wear hats even indoors a lot

 

looks a bit silly but I don't care. I'm much more sensitive to the cold now that I"m over 60lbs lighter and I guess maybe age is a factor as well I don't know.

 

 

[JackieDecides]

14 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

now that I"m over 60lbs lighter and I guess maybe age is a factor as well I don't know.

 

I have no doubt I feel the cold more from being thinner and pretty sure age is a factor. people really tend to have more trouble tolerating cold as they age in my experience so why not us? 

 

I wonder how much is the actual aging and how much is not being willing to tolerate it? maybe we wise up and won't put up with it OR maybe we stop forcing ourselves to put up with as much because it is harder and we are tired?

 

could be more than one answer. I know that if I MAKE myself keep going for walks, say, when it gets colder and am willing to SUFFER for a bit I then get used to it.

 

acclimate!  you maybe can if you have to? and I'm not even 60 yet but I could sure see by 80 I'd be thinking why the hell should I have to? LOL.

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/30/2019 at 11:59 AM, JackieDecides said:

I wonder how much is the actual aging and how much is not being willing to tolerate it? maybe we wise up and won't put up with it OR maybe we stop forcing ourselves to put up with as much because it is harder and we are tired?

 

 

I never thought of it this way. It does seem that I have a much much lower tolerance for discomfort of all sorts.

I keep hoping that's part of the WD/recovery, that I'm just super sensitive to *everything* and that this sensitivity will fade in time.

 

Today is the anniversary of a significant trauma in my life, which is now compounded by an overlay of the traumatic acute WD I went thru when I jumped off the lexapro at 2.5mgs foolishly.

I did wake up several times in a panic last night, but as the morning is going on, I am feeling a bit better.

 

I find that I have good days and I have things to look forward to, but the memory of how bad things were just a few years ago, seems to be holding me back from being able to fully have any good feelings of anticipation.... not sure I"m wording this well. 😕

It's like I'm afraid to anticipate good things happening because there's that chance that things could go very poorly.

I think it fits in perfectly with how absurdly optimistic I was about how I was going to be able to avoid all the horrible WD symptoms that so many others were going thru, that I was somehow "special" and made of sturdier stuff or something!! right now I can't even recall what I thought made me so different, but I found out just how wrong I was!!

and it was a very painful awakening.

 

I would love to go back to being wrapped in that thick warm blanket of denial, I guess it was...? because I think while unrealistic, it did kind of insulate me from the chronic worry about things going badly.

I seems that I used to mostly feel optimistic and then when things didn't go well, it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. now too many things seem like a bigger deal than they really are- I guess I am afraid to trust my judgement as I was SO very wrong about how sturdy I was in relationship to how strong the lexapro was. I feel very humbled and also much more cautious and frankly, afraid. I don't like feeling afraid. 

 

I am sure, also, that my memory for the past is far from perfect. When I have an off day, I tend to think, things were better before. When I'm feeling good, I tend to think that I never felt *this* good before and this is the first time in "forever" and I truly enjoy it, so at least there's that LOL

 

It's interesting the stories we tell ourselves.

 

 

My current story goes something like this:  If I could just convince my landlady and the housing authority to let me out of my lease, and move back to my old apt, my life would be 100% better, I would not ever wake up with panic like today and even if I did, I would wake up in a place I want to be, and so it wouldn't be so bad.....

that's my story I tell myself.

I do indeed want to, and plan to, move back to my old apt. It wasn't perfect but it was so much better in many ways than where I am now.

but getting out of the lease here would be very difficult and I don't know if I even want to try, because if I'm not able to do  it, I know I am going to be so disappointed, and even angry.

and that's not good.

so I try to tell myself a different story, one that works on trying to resolve the issues here, so that I can get thru the next 7 mos of the lease without being totally miserable.

 

I tell myself I'm just on vacation from my old apt, while it's being fixed up for me (and indeed, the landlord is doing stuff to fix it up) and when it's ready I can move back in.

 

so today I will try to find a way to make this apt feel more like home somehow.

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

It does seem that I have a much much lower tolerance for discomfort of all sorts.

I keep hoping that's part of the WD/recovery, that I'm just super sensitive to *everything* and that this sensitivity will fade in time.

 

my best guess is for me it's both - so I'm hoping the super sensitivity will continue to go away (it's been doing so for me, that's good) but I recognize that the part due to age might stick around. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

Today is the anniversary of a significant trauma in my life, which is now compounded by an overlay of the traumatic acute WD I went thru when I jumped off the lexapro at 2.5mgs foolishly.

 

I'm so sorry - it was weighing on you all week, wasn't it!  ☹️

 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I am sure, also, that my memory for the past is far from perfect. When I have an off day, I tend to think, things were better before. When I'm feeling good, I tend to think that I never felt *this* good before and this is the first time in "forever" and I truly enjoy it, so at least there's that LOL

 

me, too! 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

getting out of the lease here would be very difficult and I don't know if I even want to try, because if I'm not able to do  it, I know I am going to be so disappointed, and even angry.

 

 

OK, here's The Deal:  if you  don't try, it's OK.  it you do try, it's OK. 

 

maybe not right away, and maybe not without disappointment and anger and fear but eventually, whichever you decide, it will be OK.

 

and there will be a time when you look back and say, HEY that other apartment was better. hopefully that feeling with be temporary, but you know it will show up! 

 

I hope your morning continues to improve and whatever happens you get through the day OK. big internet hugs from me! 

 

❤️  🤗

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Jackie

sorry for the late response.

 

 

I've found some new tools to deal with some of the issues that are coming up for me, that I'm really excited about.

I prefer not to share what what one  tool is because I'm sensitive to other people's opinions and judgements so I'm not feeling strong enough to hear that others may think it's not a good tool.

so far, what I've done so far with this approach (it's basically re framing but put in a context that I can relate to) so far what I've done so far has been very helpful.

 

it uses both mind AND body and that makes a big difference for me.

I've read lots of books about reframing things and changing how you look things, but this approach makes it work for me. I know I hold a lot in my body.

 

 

I am also working with a veteran's website on sleep  issues, I think I actually found the link for that here on SA but I could be wrong. It's also helping me to resolve some of my long term issues with insomnia. 

 

I am finding that if I  make small changes to my behavior, I can get big payoffs emotionally.

that's nice to know because I don't like lots of big changes, I like to keep things stable LOL

 

basically I feel like I"m "tweaking" my tool kit, updating it some, getting rid of tools that I don't need any more and adding new ones that fit better.

 

it's fun!

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I prefer not to share what what one  tool is because I'm sensitive to other people's opinions and judgements so I'm not feeling strong enough to hear that others may think it's not a good tool.

 

I hear you, and it's not always necessary to share everything. it's good you trust yourself to decide what works and what doesn't.

 

I'm ramping up my use of the tools I've been using anyway and going back to trying my Happy Light. 

 

here's to accepting that we just have to keep trying! 

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/7/2019 at 10:14 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

I hear you, and it's not always necessary to share everything. it's good you trust yourself to decide what works and what doesn't.

 

I'm ramping up my use of the tools I've been using anyway and going back to trying my Happy Light. 

 

here's to accepting that we just have to keep trying! 

yep, it all seems to come back to the basics, accepting, using the tools that work for us, and trying new things when necessary.

 

you're doing so well. ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

an observation:

It appears that any time I"m struggling with difficult emotions, I'm either living in the past or living in the future, NOT in the present.

 

I have been having an internal debate with myself for some time, trying to figure out if I still have super mild "waves" of symptoms- and maybe I do, and considering that I spent over 4 decades on psych drugs, why would I think I could walk away after just a couple of years totally and completely healed from that? Can the brain undo the damage of all those drugs for all those years in just a few short ones?

 

I don't know. But I do know that projecting myself into the future or looking back at the past are two things that often bring me misery that I surely don't need.

it's one thing to have goals and dreams for the future, but to try to live *as if* the future is now, that doesn't work.

it's ok to reminisce, to look back fondly on people, pets, events that added joy and meaning to my life, but not to look back with regrets and feelings of guilt etc about things I wish I'd done differently.... things I think might have changed where I am now. The past is done and over, can't change it.

 

I'm directing my energies more towards staying in the present and towards non judgement, and that's been making a difference in how I feel and how my days progress.

 

 

[Nelly]

On 11/3/2018 at 12:32 AM, Happy2Heal said:

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)

 

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations.

All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.

I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now.

I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me.

 

 

Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache.

 

I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived.

I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness".

 

But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact.

 

while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care   

I have a good life. 

 

 

 

Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild.  and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come.

 

I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest:

I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

 

I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them

but today,  I give myself permission to bask in this feeling.

 

it feels like the right and honest thing to do. 

 

I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem.

 

to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery.

 

it's worth it, believe me

so very worth it!

 

Wow, I how inspiring to read this. X

[Happy2Heal]

8 minutes ago, Nelly said:

Wow, I how inspiring to read this. X

thanks so much for saying so and also for quoting that page, I had forgotten what I'd written

 

it's still so very true and brought tears to my eyes, because I really have overcome a lot.

part of me wanted to arrive at a time and place where there wouldn't be any more work to do, but I guess that's the lazy streak in me, lol.

of course there's always going to be more work to do, more growing to do.

 

How are you doing Nelly? 

 

[Nelly]

41 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks so much for saying so and also for quoting that page, I had forgotten what I'd written

 

it's still so very true and brought tears to my eyes, because I really have overcome a lot.

part of me wanted to arrive at a time and place where there wouldn't be any more work to do, but I guess that's the lazy streak in me, lol.

of course there's always going to be more work to do, more growing to do.

 

How are you doing Nelly? 

 

Hi

Your very welcome, I so admire you. Like you, I am proud. Proud of not giving up. Proud of the person I am. 

I am shocked by what I have learnt about AD and how easily they are prescribed. I thought I was just a tired, sad person. Now I realise it was the effects of the meds. I am just so thankful to realise this, and hope that I can have a happier life ahead. Yes, I am sure there will always be more work to do, and set backs, but it will pass, and we can do it. Sending you a warm blanket of love and hope x

[shawny]

@Happy2Heal : I read ur blog and its dam nice to see how you take up thinks to be busy and pushing each day ?

 

Wanted to ask you what are the physical symptoms left ?

 

ur tinnitus ? which keeps coming few hours everyday gone ?

how u mentally ?

[Happy2Heal]

5 hours ago, shawny said:

@Happy2Heal : I read ur blog and its dam nice to see how you take up thinks to be busy and pushing each day ?

 

Wanted to ask you what are the physical symptoms left ?

 

ur tinnitus ? which keeps coming few hours everyday gone ?

how u mentally ?

 

 

hi shawny, 

good to hear from you.

 

I don't really have any physical symptoms left. as far as I can tell. I 've got some sleep issues but I can't say if those are WD related or if they are from my pstd and/or poor sleep habits, or aging (you tend to sleep less as you age, I've read) 

 

thanks for asking about the tinnitus, wow I'd forgotten all about that, and that was one of the symptoms that lingered for  a long time! I don't have that at all anymore!!!

mentally I am most of the time ok. I  sometimes have a hard time dealing with strong emotions,

but then I remind myself, that the reason for getting off the ADs was to get these emotions back!

now that I've got them,  I need to learn how to handle them.

I'm making pretty good progress doing that.

 

my main issue is in accepting things I don 't like. I am making progress with that too. I'm learning that things don't need to be labelled good or bad, I can just let them be and experience them. Esp with feelings that come and go so quickly.

If I try to hold onto the good feelings, that doesn't work.

If I try to run away from the bad feelings or resist them, it seems to almost make them stronger, or more stubborn or something.

so I am learning to just accept that I will not always feel good and allow the feeling to pass.

sometimes I can see that my thinking actually causes bad feelings to arise.

 

it's a process, I guess.

 

how are you doing Shawny? do you still have tinnitus?

[JackieDecides]

43 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

If I try to hold onto the good feelings, that doesn't work.

 

I'm not saying you aren't right about this, but at the same time the Hardwiring Happiness guy says when we have a good experience we are supposed to "stay with it" and let it sink in. He calls it "enrich" the feeling and then "absorb" it. 

but he's talking about 10 to 20 (or 30?) seconds I think. I need to finish the book, I'm stuck on the second to the last chapter. 

 

 

 

17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I'm directing my energies more towards staying in the present and towards non judgement, and that's been making a difference in how I feel and how my days progress.

 

very Zen - sounds easy, is actually hard, at least I think so. 

 

 

and your posts ARE very inspiring, Happy2Heal, I think we can all agree on that. 

 

[Happy2Heal]

9 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I'm not saying you aren't right about this, but at the same time the Hardwiring Happiness guy says when we have a good experience we are supposed to "stay with it" and let it sink in. He calls it "enrich" the feeling and then "absorb" it. 

but he's talking about 10 to 20 (or 30?) seconds I think. I need to finish the book, I'm stuck on the second to the last chapter. 

 

 

ah yes, I know. But that's not what I've been doing. I have a period of time when things are going well and I feel pretty good, and I kind of want to "freeze" time and not let it move forward, so that things don't change, so that I can stay in the whatever the circumstances were that seemed to bring about these good feelings.

It's more than just noticing something good, a good fact or whatever and staying with it for a few seconds, this is a real clinging on to the feeling, not wanting to let it go, which of course doesn't work. But that hasn't stopped me from trying!! LOL
 

I do try to enrich and absorb the good stuff, but that only takes a few moments. I will try to talk about these good things more too, instead of doing what so many people do now (including myself)- talk about all the bad stuff that's happened, or all the bad things in the news, or all the bad stuff that MIGHT happen!! LOL 

Some people find that entertaining, I don't. My feeling is that at least some of the people who like to talk about all the bad stuff in the world could be on psych drugs and can't really feel the fear, anxiety, sadness, despair, or whatever other negative emotions these kinds of stories evoke. I remember not being too effected by the news when I was heavily medicated- partly I think because none of it seemed real, and partly perhaps because my feelings were so blunted or numbed, I didn't have the strong visceral reaction to bad news that I do have now.

I will even walk away from someone if they start talking about the latest tragedy on the news; I'll tell them I don't want to hear it but nine times out of ten, they continue anyway- and so I have to be rude and walk away.

 

I work hard to keep myself in a good place, I don't want careless mindless talk about bad things messing up all my hard work.

 

Staying in the present is a lot easier to do when the present is peaceful or devoid of troubles. Not so easy when I'm feeling poorly and just want to escape- then the future or the past can both look better. The future could be full of promise, or I can go back to good memories in the past. I guess that's probably a good thing to do, vs looking ahead to the future with dread or worries and what if's, or looking back at the past with regrets, etc.

 

10 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

and your posts ARE very inspiring, Happy2Heal, I think we can all agree on that.

wow, that's very kind of you to say!!
I really don't feel like they are, but to be totally honest, I read a few of them, esp my victory statement and I do feel proud and l do feel like I've accomplished some good stuff. I don't want it to go to my head, though LOL I have a lot more work to do.

 

but that's what life is all about. 
When I feel poorly, I fret about "not arriving" in this perfect place of peace and calm and comfort, with no worries and no work to do.... but while peace and calm and comfort are great, and I will always enjoy those, to have no concerns nor work to do would be incredibly boring.

I am already finding that I'm bored a lot, now that I've got all this free time, now that I'm not spending so much energy working on alleviating symptoms and such.

 

so I need to find more things to occupy myself with, things that I find meaningful. I have no clue how to even go about that, but that's my newest project. Figuring it all out!!
 

thanks so much for the kind words, you are a very sweet lady and I so appreciate all your support. 

[shawny]

15 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

hi shawny, 

good to hear from you.

 

I don't really have any physical symptoms left. as far as I can tell. I 've got some sleep issues but I can't say if those are WD related or if they are from my pstd and/or poor sleep habits, or aging (you tend to sleep less as you age, I've read) 

 

thanks for asking about the tinnitus, wow I'd forgotten all about that, and that was one of the symptoms that lingered for  a long time! I don't have that at all anymore!!!

mentally I am most of the time ok. I  sometimes have a hard time dealing with strong emotions,

but then I remind myself, that the reason for getting off the ADs was to get these emotions back!

now that I've got them,  I need to learn how to handle them.

I'm making pretty good progress doing that.

 

my main issue is in accepting things I don 't like. I am making progress with that too. I'm learning that things don't need to be labelled good or bad, I can just let them be and experience them. Esp with feelings that come and go so quickly.

If I try to hold onto the good feelings, that doesn't work.

If I try to run away from the bad feelings or resist them, it seems to almost make them stronger, or more stubborn or something.

so I am learning to just accept that I will not always feel good and allow the feeling to pass.

sometimes I can see that my thinking actually causes bad feelings to arise.

 

it's a process, I guess.

 

how are you doing Shawny? do you still have tinnitus?

 

 

 

Hi

 

im hanging in there

 

not good but not bad either

 

i'm still early in withdrawal , only 10 months out , 

 

i'm stuck with floaters and tinnitus and afterimages , i know how long u suffered with tinnitus may be in the years to come my tinnitus will also go away ! 

i'm optimistic about it .

 

floaters are there too , i heard from lot of them they also go away over a period of time 

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, shawny said:

 

 

 

Hi

 

im hanging in there

 

not good but not bad either

 

i'm still early in withdrawal , only 10 months out , 

 

i'm stuck with floaters and tinnitus and afterimages , i know how long u suffered with tinnitus may be in the years to come my tinnitus will also go away ! 

i'm optimistic about it .

 

floaters are there too , i heard from lot of them they also go away over a period of time 

 

 

oh I would think these symptoms could resolve in months, not years. 

You should see a gradual reduction in them I'd guess, although some ppl say they stop suddenly from what I've read most say they face in time.

 

but I think this will happen pretty quickly. 

 

glad you're seeing improvements, they will grow in time and you'll get to a place where you can hardly remember the "bad ol days"

 

it will be great, believe me! 

[JackieDecides]

13 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I need to find more things to occupy myself with, things that I find meaningful.

 

I would think this is a common problem for people that are (newly) retired.

 

OK, I typed some suggestions and then realized you have already thought of those, I'm sure.  it seems to me if you are really wanting more things to do, they will come to you. 

 

I'm glad you are posting on SA, I really think that helps people. 

[Happy2Heal]

time for reflection.

I've been acutely aware of the fact that I'm coming up on 2yrs off the lexapro.

Probably because I think I may have had a few mild waves from that 5% that is still healing....

but it's like tiny ripples coming to the shore after a pebble was dropped  into a still pond, it's NOTHING like the crashing intense waves of acute withdrawal. thank gawd.

it's like little blips of things, a flash of rage, an icky deja vu feeling, some despair or hopelessness that quickly fades, even sometimes some emptiness or anhedonia.

 

I try to put this entire experience into some perspective but it's hard. It's so outside of anything else that I've ever gone thru.

 

I know that at this time 3 years ago, I was suffering terribly, but it almost doesn't seem real any more, it's so far in the past. But still close enough in the rear view mirror that I can involuntarily shudder when a memory is triggered by a song or what have you.

 

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom but mostly I just want to know, what do others think of my journey?

 

 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

time for reflection.

I've been acutely aware of the fact that I'm coming up on 2yrs off the lexapro.

Probably because I think I may have had a few mild waves from that 5% that is still healing....

but it's like tiny ripples coming to the shore after a pebble was dropped  into a still pond, it's NOTHING like the crashing intense waves of acute withdrawal. thank gawd.

it's like little blips of things, a flash of rage, an icky deja vu feeling, some despair or hopelessness that quickly fades, even sometimes some emptiness or anhedonia.

 

I try to put this entire experience into some perspective but it's hard. It's so outside of anything else that I've ever gone thru.

 

I know that at this time 3 years ago, I was suffering terribly, but it almost doesn't seem real any more, it's so far in the past. But still close enough in the rear view mirror that I can involuntarily shudder when a memory is triggered by a song or what have you.

 

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom but mostly I just want to know, what do others think of my journey?

 

 

 

Thats awesome, 2 years!!  Such an achievement! 

 

Yes, it is extremely hard. I would of never understood without going through it on my own. Like having no control over feelings/actions of your body and they just come and go at random and in all different forms, extremely scary(Although being on this forum took all that fear away for me as I now know it's PAWS)

 

These are all greats words of wisdom! It is awesome of you to be strong enough to post your struggle and success for others to view. I personally read success stories when I am having a rough day and I need to read how people, such as yourself went through it and overcame it. I really appreciate it and THANK YOU!! 

 

Everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed !!! 

 

Have a great evening!