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Happy2Heal

Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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Happy2Heal
23 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

acceptance is hard and - do you think? - the most important thing! 

 

acceptance is VERY hard.


with the numbing of feelings from the AD, came a kind of pseudo peace- that everything must be ok,  or that anything that seemed not quite good didn't really matter....

I didn't fully feel anything, so yeh, nothing really seemed to matter.

 

Now, things seem to matter too much, feelings often seem too intense.

I imagine our brains are still sorting out how to work, now the chemical effects are gone.


I guess things are still "wavy". I've been re reading Brassmonkey's posts about post "0"

Lots of good stuff there. I  guess I'm in 'recovery normal' but seeing improvements and some small setbacks along the way.

 

 

All of this does make it hard to make life decisions, as you and I have discovered- and to feel any confidence that those decisions are the right ones.

 

I think I am always wanting to move to a new place now because I am trying to get away from myself and the uncomfortable feelings. but I don't really know.

 

and the not knowing is what bothers me the most. I want certainty!! I want things to come with a guarantee! is that too much to ask?🙄😂

 

of course it is, that's not reality

 

*sigh*

 

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JackieDecides
12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I think I am always wanting to move to a new place now because I am trying to get away from myself and the uncomfortable feelings.

 

me, too. no doubt! 

 

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I want things to come with a guarantee! is that too much to ask?

 

doesn't seem so to me! 😉

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Happy2Heal

just noticed a post on FB that reminded me that I really started the journey to getting off the lexapro in 2013.

I didn't know anything about WD and ended up moving out of my apt rather impulsively to an apt in a bldg just behind the one I'd been in.

 

was forced back on the lexapro due to terrible WD symptoms. when they subsided somewhat I made the decision to move back to my old apt (18 mos after moving out)

 

the following summer, still not feeling quite right, I again tried getting off lexapro by decreasing the dose by 5mgs a month, thinking this was super slow (didn't know anything about WD still)

by Sept/Oct I was getting hit hard and finally found SA and joined in Dec 2015

 

and here it is, the summer of 2019

Six years later.

been totally off lexapro since Oct 2017 

 

I moved this spring to a new apt, thinking it was a good move, and now, not so sure!

 

I am wondering if my decisions are influenced by what are now, in my opinion, PTSD symptoms from the trauma of WD 

 

I do try to avoid triggers but they are everywhere. I went thru the very worst of my WD in my last apt, and was eager and happy to leave that place and make a new start-

but now I am thinking of moving back. (primarily for financial reasons but also because I"m not comfortable where I am)

 

I realize, thru all of this, that I am very much affected by my surroundings. Sights, sounds, smells..... I think it's always been this way, since I was a kid. I have severe PTSD from childhood traumas. I think the traumas came first, as I believe I was abused in infancy.

 

so, now I guess my challenge is to find ways to deal with the PTSD and any possible lingering mild effects of going off the psych meds after over 4 decades on them. Without making rash and expensive decisions that I may regret later!!

 

it would be so much easier if life would just STAND STILL and let me catch up! or at least let me catch my breath!!

 

I hate having to make decisions - or feeling as if I do- when I have so little confidence in my ability to figure out if I"m just running away from bad feelings and triggers, or making wise choices based on my wants and needs.

 

that's my morning muse

or rant, depending on how you see it.

 

really though, just trying to figure things out.

 

I still have so much to learn!

 

one thing I am VERY grateful for: good friends! 

 

that's something I never had before, really. I need to find ways to let them know how much I appreciate them.

 

 

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JackieDecides
On 7/12/2019 at 6:23 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I hate having to make decisions - or feeling as if I do- when I have so little confidence in my ability to figure out if I"m just running away from bad feelings and triggers, or making wise choices based on my wants and needs.

 

I am so sorry.

 

and, I feel like I have a similar problem if not as badly as you do.

 

I can't tell how bad my decisions have been in the last year but I need to keep making them and it's exhausting. the last thing we want to do is make our lives harder and every major decision has the potential to do just that. 

 

and life refuses to stand still! ☹️

 

 

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