Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[JackieDecides]

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I wish I had some words of wisdom but mostly I just want to know, what do others think of my journey?

 

I think you are incredibly inspiring and I love to read your posts. 

 

I know you continue to have challenges, but you keep on fighting them and you set an excellent example. 

is it OK to congratulate you on the two years?  😍

[Happy2Heal]

On 9/12/2019 at 9:48 PM, JackieDecides said:

 

I think you are incredibly inspiring and I love to read your posts. 

 

I know you continue to have challenges, but you keep on fighting them and you set an excellent example. 

is it OK to congratulate you on the two years?  😍

 

thank you so much for your kind words Jackie, you always say the nicest things!

I often don't feel inspiring, and sometimes almost feel like  a fraud, because I tend to keep the times I'm struggling to myself a lot. I do this because I know when I was in acute withdrawal, I'd read success stories and if there was even the tiniest hint of "trouble" I'd kind of freak out a bit and get discouraged.

I realize now that was my own reaction due to the neuro emotions and whatnot, and that most folks will probably realize that even when you're successfully off these drugs, you're still going to have to deal with life issues- and life is messy and can sometimes be hard.

 

Thanks for the congratulations, yeh it's ok but it's still a bit early, I  think I was "officially" off the lexapro in mid Oct of 2107... It seems so long ago now, I barely remember.

 

I continue to be extremely lucky in that I've not once gone back to earlier period of acute symptoms. Sure I've had some waves, but they've been mild and short and all the tools I've accumulated over the past few years have helped me thru them.

 

now speaking of setting a good example, no one does  gratefulness lists better than yours. You remind me to think of what I do have, rather than what I don't.

 

and now I'm trying to remind myself to be grateful for my challenges, because, really, I'd be so bored without some sort of problem to solve! just so long as not too many problems gang up on me at once 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I tend to keep the times I'm struggling to myself a lot. I do this because I know when I was in acute withdrawal, I'd read success stories and if there was even the tiniest hint of "trouble" I'd kind of freak out a bit and get discouraged.

 

besides not wanting to freak people out, I think it's natural to want to talk about the good times more - it's more fun to write about! and bad times makes me less likely to put in the effort in posting here. that might be part of it. 

 

but I don't think you are a fraud at all, not whatsoever!!!!!!  you are "keeping it real" as much as you can, I can tell. 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

most folks will probably realize that even when you're successfully off these drugs, you're still going to have to deal with life issues- and life is messy and can sometimes be hard.

 

naw, I have frequently thought everything was going to be JUST PEACHY from now on.....!

[Happy2Heal]

5 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

naw, I have frequently thought everything was going to be JUST PEACHY from now on.....!

 

ok what are you drinkin' or smokin' sistah and can I have some? 😂🤣🤣🤣

[Happy2Heal]

It's been 2yrs since I took my last tiny drop of lexapro

 

YAY ME!

 

things are good, I am sleeping much better and just taking each day as it comes

 

not much else to say! 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

57 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

It's been 2yrs since I took my last tiny drop of lexapro

 

YAY ME!

 

things are good, I am sleeping much better and just taking each day as it comes

 

not much else to say! 

 

Woohoo! That’s awesome what would you say your improvement is from the last dose to now? 

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Woohoo! That’s awesome what would you say your improvement is from the last dose to now? 

it's hard to say, really, it's all been pretty gradual.

 

the changes were so small and happened over time, so that I really didn't even notice a lot of things til the "problem" was gone. I would think I was fully healed, but then I'd realize, oh hey, I haven't had any ringing in my ears for months now! I'd become used to it so you'd think I'd have noticed when it stopped but I didn't.

 

With one exception, that is: I had resigned myself to having sleep issues that probably wouldn't ever go away.  I had assumed were age related (older ppl generally don't need to sleep as much, since we're no longer growing lol and since I recall my dad complaining of poor sleep, I figured it was just something I had to adapt to)  I don't like waking up so early but I figured I'd just need to get used to it.

 

but as it turns out, my sleep is continuing to improve. I still don't need an alarm clock and may never need one again, I don't know.  But now,  when I fall asleep at night I sleep a lot longer before waking up. Usually I just need to make a bathroom run, then I easily fall back asleep. 

 

a lot of my issues in the past 2 years seemed to be mostly related to what I'd call PTSD type reactions from that super bad year of acute symptoms of  WD, along with some minor waves of actual symptoms of WD.

 

at least that's my thinking now. It's so hard to say.

with time, my perspective changes, ya know?

 

I have been living a good full life for the past couple of years and even during the acute WD I was able to do a lot of things and find some small joy in my life here and there, as awful as that year was. 

I always knew that I'd recover and that seemed to be what helped me get thru the worst of it.

 

um, what was the question again...? LOL I've been looking at photos from the past 5 yrs or, since I did attempt to go off the lexapro several times before succeeding, and so much has changed.

I am a much calmer and more centered person now. People notice that and say that I help to calm them down.

 

anyway, it was one heck of a journey but I do believe if I"m not at 100% healed now, I"m as close to it as I'll ever get.

I'd be very surprised if things could get better than they are now, but I"m open to that possibility. I mean, why not? I think we should all be open to the possibility of more good stuff.

 

❤️

 

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

it's hard to say, really, it's all been pretty gradual.

 

the changes were so small and happened over time, so that I really didn't even notice a lot of things til the "problem" was gone. I would think I was fully healed, but then I'd realize, oh hey, I haven't had any ringing in my ears for months now! I'd become used to it so you'd think I'd have noticed when it stopped but I didn't.

 

With one exception, that is: I had resigned myself to having sleep issues that probably wouldn't ever go away.  I had assumed were age related (older ppl generally don't need to sleep as much, since we're no longer growing lol and since I recall my dad complaining of poor sleep, I figured it was just something I had to adapt to)  I don't like waking up so early but I figured I'd just need to get used to it.

 

but as it turns out, my sleep is continuing to improve. I still don't need an alarm clock and may never need one again, I don't know.  But now,  when I fall asleep at night I sleep a lot longer before waking up. Usually I just need to make a bathroom run, then I easily fall back asleep. 

 

a lot of my issues in the past 2 years seemed to be mostly related to what I'd call PTSD type reactions from that super bad year of acute symptoms of  WD, along with some minor waves of actual symptoms of WD.

 

at least that's my thinking now. It's so hard to say.

with time, my perspective changes, ya know?

 

I have been living a good full life for the past couple of years and even during the acute WD I was able to do a lot of things and find some small joy in my life here and there, as awful as that year was. 

I always knew that I'd recover and that seemed to be what helped me get thru the worst of it.

 

um, what was the question again...? LOL I've been looking at photos from the past 5 yrs or, since I did attempt to go off the lexapro several times before succeeding, and so much has changed.

I am a much calmer and more centered person now. People notice that and say that I help to calm them down.

 

anyway, it was one heck of a journey but I do believe if I"m not at 100% healed now, I"m as close to it as I'll ever get.

I'd be very surprised if things could get better than they are now, but I"m open to that possibility. I mean, why not? I think we should all be open to the possibility of more good stuff.

 

❤️

 

 

That is great to hear!

 

That is awesome on the tinnitus.... I had it for a solid 5-6 months and now I don't notice it at all maybe 1-2 times here and there. 

 

I also know I will heal and that is what powers me through. I know without stories like yours giving me hope I would of jumped back on the drug train. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. 

[JackieDecides]

On 10/17/2019 at 3:16 PM, Happy2Heal said:

It's been 2yrs since I took my last tiny drop of lexapro

 

YAY, you!! 

 

 

On 10/17/2019 at 5:31 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I think we should all be open to the possibility of more good stuff.

 

amen, Sister, this is The Truth.  I'm so glad to hear how well things are going. 🤗

[Gertie]

Hi Happy,

 

I'm new to this site - I just joined last week to try to help my 19 year old daughter who is having withdrawal issues from Zoloft that started 3 months after she stopped taking it.  Thanks to this website we reinstated her last week at 1mg and she's doing a lot better already and I'm feeling more hopeful about her long term progress.  It horrifies me that such a sweet, sensitive, young, kind, smart woman has to go through this when she should be enjoying her first semester of college, dating, going out with friends, etc.

 

I have spent the past 7 days barely sleeping, trying to learn as much as I can from all of your experiences to have the best chance to save my daughter's quality of life.   I read your entire story, and I want you to know how much your vulnerability in sharing it with us has impacted me.  It was scary at times to read, and I fear and worry about my daughter experiencing those times of hopelessness too.  But you have also given me such HOPE, something I really need right now.  I know it's going to be a loooooong slow painful journey for her, but I see where you are today and I feel hopeful.

 

 I just wanted you to know that, and to thank you for sticking around to show us that people do come out the other side.

[Happy2Heal]

On 11/18/2019 at 3:06 PM, Gertie said:

 

 

I have spent the past 7 days barely sleeping, trying to learn as much as I can from all of your experiences to have the best chance to save my daughter's quality of life.   I read your entire story, and I want you to know how much your vulnerability in sharing it with us has impacted me.  It was scary at times to read, and I fear and worry about my daughter experiencing those times of hopelessness too.  But you have also given me such HOPE, something I really need right now.  I know it's going to be a loooooong slow painful journey for her, but I see where you are today and I feel hopeful.

 

 I just wanted you to know that, and to thank you for sticking around to show us that people do come out the other side.

 

 

hi Gertie,

your daughter is so lucky to have you looking out for her like this. Please take good care of yourself,  get some sleep and relax- or try to!
Knowledge is  power and you've armed yourself with lots of knowledge that will help you both get thru this trying time.

But yes, she's most likely going to be just fine. There's really no reason to think otherwise. As far as I am aware, the vast majority of ppl recover from this experience and go on with their lives, often stronger than they were before.

 

yes my journey was scary in points but I believe I have a complicating factor,  I suffered a lot of trauma very early in life, essentially from birth, and therefore have what some call complex PTSD or developmental PTSD.   I also have a very long history of being medicated.

 

I haven't updated my thread recently because I've been quite busy and very very happy with my life. It seems to be getting better in leaps and bounds lately. This always surprises me. I think I am fully healed or about as close as one can get, and I find out that my brain is apparently still improving. It's a pleasant surprise. I'll take it, sometimes I feel I earned it, heh.

 

 

I hope your daughter's journey thru withdrawal is as uneventful as it can be, and that it's over as quickly as is possible. 
 

I was on zoloft before I switched to celexa and then to lexapro and I recall having a lot of dizziness, headaches and brain zaps, as well as muscle tension, esp in the jaw and back of the head/neck. Plus an overall muscle tension.

but fortunately the emotional/mental effects of zoloft were mild, nothing like those that came from lexapro, which I personally feel is one of the strongest ADs out there. I mention this because your daughter may not go thru the darkness and despair and extreme anxiety/dread that are associated with some ADs.  Also, keep in mind, my own dark and scary stuff was almost certainly part of my trauma history, that was exacerbated by the WD 

I hope that gives you even more hope, or helps to alleviate some of your concerns.

 

and of course, keep in mind that everyone is different and your daughter's healing will follow it's own path and it's own ups and downs.

 

it's wonderful that she's got you on her side and there beside her helping her thru this. It will make a huge difference, I"m sure  ❤️

 

 

remember, though, you can't pour from an empty cup. take good care of yourself too 

 

 

[Cherio]

So happy for you, your story is similar to mine. I'm doing pretty darn good. 8 months still having some annoying symptoms but have many good days and even fun times!

[Happy2Heal]

YAY 2020, 

not just a new year but a new decade!

I am so very happy to report that I now feel like I am *more than likely* 100% healed!!

in the past couple of months, I've lost the last of the annoying but super mild symptoms that had hung on for the longest time- issues with sleep

 

I've been sleeping "ok" for a long time but still didn't feel like my sleep was totally normal, til about oh, a week ago, I think! Now my sleep feels like it used to, it's awesome!

 

it's been a long journey but I do believe it's pretty much over.

I know from reading other people's stories that there's still the chance for a wave to come along in the future, but I no longer fear it. and I think it's unlikely, but I'll keep one eye open for it, just in case.

 

all of the fear and anxiety and despair is so far in the past, it's like it was a lifetime ago or something, Sometimes it almost seems unreal.

I have mixed feelings about that:

as hard as WD/recovery was, it really pushed me to do things that I needed to do, to grow and to get out in the world.

and now, I am getting a bit lazy and complacent, not pushing myself as  much, and I just hope that I don't lose all my courage and go back to being the hermit I used to be (I don't think I will, since I'm at least aware of things now. Being drugged all that time really took away my awareness of almost everything: of time passing, of my own feelings; I was in a drug induced fog and didn't even know it)

 

 

but I also think that this is my time to relax, to be lazy for a bit, and to maybe give my mind and my body a nice vacation to fully recuperate my strength.

 

These are the days that I longed for just a couple of years ago and was afraid might never come again

 

I am so happy that I've arrived in this place of peace and contentment.

 

Truly a very happy New Year!

 

wishing you all the same,

 

 

[Rhiannon]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

YAY 2020, 

not just a new year but a new decade!

I am so very happy to report that I now feel like I am *more than likely* 100% healed!!

in the past couple of months, I've lost the last of the annoying but super mild symptoms that had hung on for the longest time- issues with sleep

 

I've been sleeping "ok" for a long time but still didn't feel like my sleep was totally normal, til about oh, a week ago, I think! Now my sleep feels like it used to, it's awesome!

 

it's been a long journey but I do believe it's pretty much over.

I know from reading other people's stories that there's still the chance for a wave to come along in the future, but I no longer fear it. and I think it's unlikely, but I'll keep one eye open for it, just in case.

 

all of the fear and anxiety and despair is so far in the past, it's like it was a lifetime ago or something, Sometimes it almost seems unreal.

I have mixed feelings about that:

as hard as WD/recovery was, it really pushed me to do things that I needed to do, to grow and to get out in the world.

and now, I am getting a bit lazy and complacent, not pushing myself as  much, and I just hope that I don't lose all my courage and go back to being the hermit I used to be (I don't think I will, since I'm at least aware of things now. Being drugged all that time really took away my awareness of almost everything: of time passing, of my own feelings; I was in a drug induced fog and didn't even know it)

 

 

but I also think that this is my time to relax, to be lazy for a bit, and to maybe give my mind and my body a nice vacation to fully recuperate my strength.

 

These are the days that I longed for just a couple of years ago and was afraid might never come again

 

I am so happy that I've arrived in this place of peace and contentment.

 

Truly a very happy New Year!

 

wishing you all the same,

 

 

H2H that's lovely! I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, especially about how being drugged I was in a fog and didn't even realize it. And also to wondering if maybe it isn't time to relax and recuperate for a while. Anyway, congratulations on getting yourself here to this place in your life, and thanks for coming by here to share it with us. Happy 2020!

[Tom37]

Great update and thanks for sharing. You definitely deserve to take it easy for a while if you feel that will be good for you. You have been through a lot so definitely put your well being first. Enjoy the feeling of being ‘well’ again you have more than earned it.

[delsol]

8 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

These are the days that I longed for just a couple of years ago and was afraid might never come again

 

I am so happy that I've arrived in this place of peace and contentment.

 

Truly a very happy New Year!

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you... X 100.  I really needed to read your story. Every story like yours gives me hope to hang onto, during times when I am having a hard time finding light at the end of my withdrawal tunnel. I spent the majority of 2019 tapering. I "jumped off" of my remaining medication (perhaps not wisely but it is what it is) about a month ago. I am hoping 2020 shows me some rewards for the long fight I've been fighting. Your story shows it is possible to get off the drugs and heal over time, and I will probably continue to return here to your story and re-read it, from time to time. Congratulations.

[Cocopuffz17]

Great to hear! That is amazing. I can relate so well to the drug induced fog and not realizing things about myself. It is absolutely mind blowing to think I could of easily went through my entire life and not known any different. 

[JackieDecides]

On 1/1/2020 at 9:38 PM, Happy2Heal said:

These are the days that I longed for just a couple of years ago and was afraid might never come again

 

 

I am so glad for you! 🥰

[Happy2Heal]

5 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

am so glad for you! 🥰

thank you!!

 

[Happy2Heal]

random thought, not directed at anyone here, but just a general observation:

 

since deciding to focus on the good things, it's amazing how many ppl express jealousy (apparently assuming that there's no bad things in my life)

I don't know how to explain that they can make the same choice.

We all have good and bad in our lives, but what we focus on is a choice.

 

(and apparently, for right now, I've decided to focus on how annoying it can be when ppl are jealous of my choice to be happy 🤣 ah the contradiction!) 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

7 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

random thought, not directed at anyone here, but just a general observation:

 

since deciding to focus on the good things, it's amazing how many ppl express jealousy (apparently assuming that there's no bad things in my life)

I don't know how to explain that they can make the same choice.

We all have good and bad in our lives, but what we focus on is a choice.

 

(and apparently, for right now, I've decided to focus on how annoying it can be when ppl are jealous of my choice to be happy 🤣 ah the contradiction!) 

 

Yep, great mindset to have! Some people will never be happy and they have to change on their own. For me personally going through all the hell this drug put me through. I know it has given me a way better perspective in life. Mindset is the greatest tool we have as you said WE CONTROL IT! 

[Gertie]

Thank you for posting!  You continue to give me hope for my daughter.  Wishing a very happy New Year to you.

[Liamb123456]

On 9/12/2019 at 2:11 PM, Happy2Heal said:

time for reflection.

I've been acutely aware of the fact that I'm coming up on 2yrs off the lexapro.

Probably because I think I may have had a few mild waves from that 5% that is still healing....

but it's like tiny ripples coming to the shore after a pebble was dropped  into a still pond, it's NOTHING like the crashing intense waves of acute withdrawal. thank gawd.

it's like little blips of things, a flash of rage, an icky deja vu feeling, some despair or hopelessness that quickly fades, even sometimes some emptiness or anhedonia.

 

I try to put this entire experience into some perspective but it's hard. It's so outside of anything else that I've ever gone thru.

 

I know that at this time 3 years ago, I was suffering terribly, but it almost doesn't seem real any more, it's so far in the past. But still close enough in the rear view mirror that I can involuntarily shudder when a memory is triggered by a song or what have you.

 

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom but mostly I just want to know, what do others think of my journey?

 

 

 

Did you cold turkey meds or taper?? 

[Happy2Heal]

6 hours ago, Liamb123456 said:

Did you cold turkey meds or taper?? 

 a bit of both, I guess you'd say

 

I have a long history on psych meds, dating back to age 18. 
the lexapro, I went on that in 2002 but tried to get off it by either rapid tapers or CTs several times. Symptoms of withdrawal were mistaken for relapse, even though the symptoms were nothing like the ones that I'd had in the past. I was always so terrified I went back on the lexapro, sometimes at stupidly high doses (40 mgs!) 

I  did CT lexapro at one point (don't know the year, but maybe around 2009??) and was off it for 7 mos but suffered severe anxiety with an extremely high heart rate that caused heart damage. Eventually I went back on the lexapro (having refused benzos, I was however on a beta blocker that had little effect on my heart rate but just made me feel tired)

overlapping the beta blocker, I was also on varying dose of seroquel, taking as little as 25mgs and as much as 800!!

 

anyway, this is probably a longer answer than you expected, but I think it's important to know that the way I went off lexapro was probably the worst way possible, and that for the entire time that I was on the drug, my dose was up and down and up and down again a LOT.

As you may know from reading this forum, that's one of the worst things you can do to your nervous system. This was the exact opposite of "steady" and "stable".

I had gone off of lexapro once again, by doing a rapid taper in 2013, this was at least my 3rd attempt. Again, symptoms were severe and I went back on the drug but by 2015 I was convinced that it wasn't any "relapse" of some supposed "illness".  Determined to get this poison out of my body,  I did what I thought was a gradual taper, reducing my dose by 5 mgs each month

I got down to like 5 mgs and was being told by my  PCP to take it every other day for a few days and stop, but I had such severe insomnia and out of control rages that I knew something was seriously wrong.

While researching a drug that my PCP wanted me to take for the insomnia, I found this forum and FINALLY realized that I was doing everything all wrong, and that's when I tried to do a better taper.

 

Tragically, I still messed that up, because I wasn't fully believing that I needed to do an even slower taper- I was caught up in believing the drs who said there no such thing as withdrawal issues from these drugs and still being skeptical of what I read here about how strong these drugs are and how you really need to go super slow.

 

anyway, I was on 2.5mgs for about 5 mos, having decided to hold there and stabilize, when I made the idiotic (easy to say that now, in hindsight!!!) decision to jump off at that dose, having been told repeatedly by multiple docs that it wasn't even a "therapeutic dose" and couldn't be "doing anything at all".

 

I was ok for about 3mos when delayed protracted withdrawal hit. I reinstated  a TINY TINY dose but by that time it was really too late. I got a wee bit of relief from reinstating but mainly it was like a CT, only with the additional stress of MULTIPLE attempts and rapid tapes in the recent past, making my system over sensitized.

 

Sorry for the long drawn out answer, but thanks for asking because it reminds me that even if you don't "do" your withdrawal the best way or the right way, you still heal.

HOWEVER  doing it all "wrong" as I did, meant I had at least one solid year of horrendous symptoms, and several years of severe insomnia that is only now been resolved, so I hope folks take that as the cautionary tale it is meant to be.

 

I hope this answers your question, Liamb!
 

It still amazes me that after decades on psych meds of all kinds, that I am doing so well. 

 

I do have some memory issues, to be frank, but I am also going on 64 and have NO idea if my memory issues are age related. If it's partly from all those drugs, oh well, if that's the worst that I got from all those chemical assaults, I'm pretty damn lucky. 

[Cocopuffz17]

Amazing! Thanks for sharing. I have been doing extremely well... minus today fatigue and anxiety smashed me. Reading stories like your let me know it’s just a blip and I will get through it! 

[Miko789]

very nice to see you heal Happy2Heal

[Amira]

On 1/2/2020 at 7:38 AM, Happy2Heal said:

These are the days that I longed for just a couple of years ago and was afraid might never come again

 

I am so happy that I've arrived in this place of peace and contentment.

 

Truly a very happy New Year!

 

wishing you all the same,

 

On 1/2/2020 at 7:38 AM, Happy2Heal said:

 

I am so happy for you, congratulations on your full recovery. I am currently experiencing w/d sypmtoms. I now have the same thought that you had a couple of years ago and i would do anything in the world to have that feeling of peace and contentment

[Rosetta]

Happy,

 

I’m thrilled for you!  How nice it is for everyone on SA to see a CT who made it out of the misery of WD.  So many of us fear that we won’t heal like the taperers do.  It’s a much tougher road for sure and much more dangerous.  Never would I recommended it, but some people find SA when it’s too late to reinstate - like me.  

 

I’m so glad to see you happy again!

 

Rosetta

[Armorall]

I thought H to H was a taper? 

[Happy2Heal]

On 1/9/2020 at 7:38 AM, Happy2Heal said:

 a bit of both, I guess you'd say

 

I have a long history on psych meds, dating back to age 18. 
the lexapro, I went on that in 2002 but tried to get off it by either rapid tapers or CTs several times. Symptoms of withdrawal were mistaken for relapse, even though the symptoms were nothing like the ones that I'd had in the past. I was always so terrified I went back on the lexapro, sometimes at stupidly high doses (40 mgs!) 

I  did CT lexapro at one point (don't know the year, but maybe around 2009??) and was off it for 7 mos but suffered severe anxiety with an extremely high heart rate that caused heart damage. Eventually I went back on the lexapro (having refused benzos, I was however on a beta blocker that had little effect on my heart rate but just made me feel tired)

overlapping the beta blocker, I was also on varying dose of seroquel, taking as little as 25mgs and as much as 800!!

 

anyway, this is probably a longer answer than you expected, but I think it's important to know that the way I went off lexapro was probably the worst way possible, and that for the entire time that I was on the drug, my dose was up and down and up and down again a LOT.

As you may know from reading this forum, that's one of the worst things you can do to your nervous system. This was the exact opposite of "steady" and "stable".

I had gone off of lexapro once again, by doing a rapid taper in 2013, this was at least my 3rd attempt. Again, symptoms were severe and I went back on the drug but by 2015 I was convinced that it wasn't any "relapse" of some supposed "illness".  Determined to get this poison out of my body,  I did what I thought was a gradual taper, reducing my dose by 5 mgs each month

I got down to like 5 mgs and was being told by my  PCP to take it every other day for a few days and stop, but I had such severe insomnia and out of control rages that I knew something was seriously wrong.

While researching a drug that my PCP wanted me to take for the insomnia, I found this forum and FINALLY realized that I was doing everything all wrong, and that's when I tried to do a better taper.

 

Tragically, I still messed that up, because I wasn't fully believing that I needed to do an even slower taper- I was caught up in believing the drs who said there no such thing as withdrawal issues from these drugs and still being skeptical of what I read here about how strong these drugs are and how you really need to go super slow.

 

anyway, I was on 2.5mgs for about 5 mos, having decided to hold there and stabilize, when I made the idiotic (easy to say that now, in hindsight!!!) decision to jump off at that dose, having been told repeatedly by multiple docs that it wasn't even a "therapeutic dose" and couldn't be "doing anything at all".

 

I was ok for about 3mos when delayed protracted withdrawal hit. I reinstated  a TINY TINY dose but by that time it was really too late. I got a wee bit of relief from reinstating but mainly it was like a CT, only with the additional stress of MULTIPLE attempts and rapid tapes in the recent past, making my system over sensitized.

 

Sorry for the long drawn out answer, but thanks for asking because it reminds me that even if you don't "do" your withdrawal the best way or the right way, you still heal.

HOWEVER  doing it all "wrong" as I did, meant I had at least one solid year of horrendous symptoms, and several years of severe insomnia that is only now been resolved, so I hope folks take that as the cautionary tale it is meant to be.

 

I hope this answers your question, Liamb!
 

It still amazes me that after decades on psych meds of all kinds, that I am doing so well. 

 

I do have some memory issues, to be frank, but I am also going on 64 and have NO idea if my memory issues are age related. If it's partly from all those drugs, oh well, if that's the worst that I got from all those chemical assaults, I'm pretty damn lucky. 

@ Armorall,   I was a terrible mix of several CTs and super fast tapers- this is the full story.

 

[Armorall]

I guess I get confused as to whether to call someone a CT or taper when they have a history of CTing but their last attempt was a slow taper. I've seen several of those success stories and it makes me question my own situation. If those situations are so successful, then wouldn't it be better if I (who is a CT) go back on something and then slow taper it down?

 

Also, I get frustrated when I see taper people mention that CT is the cautionary tale, or like Jan Carol who says she's the poster child for why you should slow taper. I can't think of a single CT/fast taper person on the board (Ok maybe there's one or two) that chose CT/fast taper *over* the slow taper (unless it was a severe adverse reaction). The whole "poster child" thing implies that there was a choice in the matter. I had no choice, as most people who are in my situation would say, we never knew about slow tapering, or else we would have done it. Now I'm ranting and I'm going to be quiet. 

Thanks for explaining, H2H, I am overjoyed for your success. 

[Cocopuffz17]

42 minutes ago, Armorall said:

I guess I get confused as to whether to call someone a CT or taper when they have a history of CTing but their last attempt was a slow taper. I've seen several of those success stories and it makes me question my own situation. If those situations are so successful, then wouldn't it be better if I (who is a CT) go back on something and then slow taper it down?

 

Also, I get frustrated when I see taper people mention that CT is the cautionary tale, or like Jan Carol who says she's the poster child for why you should slow taper. I can't think of a single CT/fast taper person on the board (Ok maybe there's one or two) that chose CT/fast taper *over* the slow taper (unless it was a severe adverse reaction). The whole "poster child" thing implies that there was a choice in the matter. I had no choice, as most people who are in my situation would say, we never knew about slow tapering, or else we would have done it. Now I'm ranting and I'm going to be quiet. 

Thanks for explaining, H2H, I am overjoyed for your success. 

Hey, I did a fast taper. It was the hardest thing I went through in my life. I know without nutrition changes I would not of been able to get through PAWS. A short 4-5 months ago I was so fatigued I almost had to quit my job and could not do one push up. I am now hitting personal bests in the gym and doing over 1000 pushups a week! Mindset is huge as well! 
 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

[Armorall]

@Cocopuffz17 I love your mantra and have it on chart paper on my wall along with other motivational quotes. Yes, you have a phenomenal mindset and attitude.

 

What I was saying though, is that most people come on the SA never realized they have the choice of a slow taper as SA recommends (not that there are no FTs), so speaking like there is a choice is a bit inaccurate.  I read your med lines and it looks like you didn't have a choice either. 

[Cocopuffz17]

6 minutes ago, Armorall said:

@Cocopuffz17 I love your mantra and have it on chart paper on my wall along with other motivational quotes. Yes, you have a phenomenal mindset and attitude.

 

What I was saying though, is that most people come on the SA never realized they have the choice of a slow taper as SA recommends (not that there are no FTs), so speaking like there is a choice is a bit inaccurate.  I read your med lines and it looks like you didn't have a choice either. 

That’s awesome! Thank you I appreciate you saying that! 
 

I came here once before I went to my doc about coming off paroxetine. But I didn’t know anything about withdrawals at that time. So I trusted the “professional” and got pushed to the limit because of it. I wish I would of went slower to lessen the WDs, but can’t change the past... only improve the future! 

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I guess I get confused as to whether to call someone a CT or taper when they have a history of CTing but their last attempt was a slow taper. I've seen several of those success stories and it makes me question my own situation. If those situations are so successful, then wouldn't it be better if I (who is a CT) go back on something and then slow taper it down?

 

how long has it been since you CT? reinstating is very tricky if it's been more than 3 mos I think is the recommended time frame? 

 

I don't know that you could call my last attempt a slow taper... I mean, it certainly was NOT the 10% of previous dose recommended here!
I jumped off at 2.5mg and when I reinstated almost 4 mos later,  my dose was SO tiny- Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
I see why you are confused! I removed the actual dosages from my signature!

Ok this will help you understand: I reinstated at - I had to go back to my original thread to find it:  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106

This was one week shy of FIVE months after jumping off at 2.5mgs!! 

I then took a year tapering off that miniscule amount, finally stopping at 0.02 mgs I believe it was. Literally a drop of liquid!! 

 

It was recommended that I reinstate at a min of 1mg but I was terrified of doing that.

I started off with 0.1mg and upped that over the course of a few days to 0.3mg. I think I may have played around with trying to go higher but felt worse, so I eventually worked with that dose and went down.

I didn't really get much relief from that tiny dose, by the time I reinstated I was in sheer hell with over 30 severe WD symptoms that only gradually got better over the course of several years. It gave me a psychological boost to feel like I was doing something by reinstating but I don't honestly know if I would have healed any differently if I'd not reinstated at all. And of course, I will never know.

 

Everyone is different and frankly I CTed from many drugs when I was younger without any adverse effects. I know plenty of people who have CTed and been fine. And then we have the people who seek help here, or who are lucky enough to find this forum, who are not fine when they try to reduce or stop their ADs or other meds.

 

it's very individual.

You can't really compare yourself too much to other people. 

some will heal slower, others faster.

My take away from that is to be extremely grateful  If I was one of the lucky ones who seemed to heal faster and to be gentler with myself if it looked like I was going to be a slow to  heal. And I feel lucky to be healing at all, esp when I know that some people have not been able to reduce their dose and are waiting to try to continue to taper.

 

 

In any case, it helps to look for what is getting better - focus on where you are improving, what symptoms are lessening and which ones are gone and then, no matter how long your journey is, you've at least had a more uplifting outlook on it.

What we choose to focus on is entirely within our control.

 

 

1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I had no choice, as most people who are in my situation would say, we never knew about slow tapering, or else we would have done it. Now I'm ranting and I'm going to be quiet. 

 

I totally get this. with a drug history that spans four decades, I had few choices about what drugs I was put on (I was forced to take the antipsychotics and threatened with loss of custody of my child if I went of drugs other drugs Rx'ed over the  years)

No doctor EVER suggested coming off these drugs without replacing them with something else (or several other drugs, usually)

No dr EVER told me about tapering.

At best a slow taper was to half your dose for a week, then take a dose every other day for a week, then stop.

That is really no different essentially than a CT.

 

so yes I hear your anger and frustration. 

My mention of a "cautionary tale" is for those few folks who may have a hard time really believing that what the drs have been telling them (in my case, for over 40 years!! I was very well brainwashed in that time as you can imagine) 

if you've trusted your drs and believed them, and then you come here and you find out that tapering can take YEARS to do right, of course, you may be skeptical.

esp if like me, you have successfully CTed in the past.

My "warning" is for those ppl who find out about tapering but still have a hard time grasping that it's really truly the best way to go.

 

after I jumped off and was in the horror and hell of delayed protracted WD, I was so envious of the mild symptoms of those folks doing the slow tapers.

I kicked myself all the time for not being more patient, as it would have saved me SO much pain and suffering.

This is not a judgemental thing that I'm saying, when I say, please use this as a cautionary tale- If I can help just ONE person avoid the sheer and utter hell that I went thru, then maybe that terrible period of my life will have some meaning. I don't know.

 

but yes, it sucks when you don't have choices.

It really does.

 

@Armorallhow are you doing now?

 

 

 

[Armorall]

h2H I''ll  PM you what I sent Coco. thanks for asking. Also, I see now about the cautionary tale. I guess I wasn't in the psychiatric drug conversation long enough to understand other ways of quitting. If you've had years on the drug AND hearing about how you are supposed to quit properly, it'd be hard to grasp.

For me, I took the drug, never (regretfully) talked to anyone about it. and 4 months blew by. I say regretfully because everyone I know personally that I've told my story to, goes "oh yeah its dangerous to CT". Apparently everyone knew this in my wide expanse of social circles  but me.