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Happy2Heal

Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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Happy2Heal
1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I guess I get confused as to whether to call someone a CT or taper when they have a history of CTing but their last attempt was a slow taper. I've seen several of those success stories and it makes me question my own situation. If those situations are so successful, then wouldn't it be better if I (who is a CT) go back on something and then slow taper it down?

 

how long has it been since you CT? reinstating is very tricky if it's been more than 3 mos I think is the recommended time frame? 

 

I don't know that you could call my last attempt a slow taper... I mean, it certainly was NOT the 10% of previous dose recommended here!
I jumped off at 2.5mg and when I reinstated almost 4 mos later,  my dose was SO tiny- Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
I see why you are confused! I removed the actual dosages from my signature!

Ok this will help you understand: I reinstated at - I had to go back to my original thread to find it:  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106

This was one week shy of FIVE months after jumping off at 2.5mgs!! 

I then took a year tapering off that miniscule amount, finally stopping at 0.02 mgs I believe it was. Literally a drop of liquid!! 

 

It was recommended that I reinstate at a min of 1mg but I was terrified of doing that.

I started off with 0.1mg and upped that over the course of a few days to 0.3mg. I think I may have played around with trying to go higher but felt worse, so I eventually worked with that dose and went down.

I didn't really get much relief from that tiny dose, by the time I reinstated I was in sheer hell with over 30 severe WD symptoms that only gradually got better over the course of several years. It gave me a psychological boost to feel like I was doing something by reinstating but I don't honestly know if I would have healed any differently if I'd not reinstated at all. And of course, I will never know.

 

Everyone is different and frankly I CTed from many drugs when I was younger without any adverse effects. I know plenty of people who have CTed and been fine. And then we have the people who seek help here, or who are lucky enough to find this forum, who are not fine when they try to reduce or stop their ADs or other meds.

 

it's very individual.

You can't really compare yourself too much to other people. 

some will heal slower, others faster.

My take away from that is to be extremely grateful  If I was one of the lucky ones who seemed to heal faster and to be gentler with myself if it looked like I was going to be a slow to  heal. And I feel lucky to be healing at all, esp when I know that some people have not been able to reduce their dose and are waiting to try to continue to taper.

 

 

In any case, it helps to look for what is getting better - focus on where you are improving, what symptoms are lessening and which ones are gone and then, no matter how long your journey is, you've at least had a more uplifting outlook on it.

What we choose to focus on is entirely within our control.

 

 

1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I had no choice, as most people who are in my situation would say, we never knew about slow tapering, or else we would have done it. Now I'm ranting and I'm going to be quiet. 

 

I totally get this. with a drug history that spans four decades, I had few choices about what drugs I was put on (I was forced to take the antipsychotics and threatened with loss of custody of my child if I went of drugs other drugs Rx'ed over the  years)

No doctor EVER suggested coming off these drugs without replacing them with something else (or several other drugs, usually)

No dr EVER told me about tapering.

At best a slow taper was to half your dose for a week, then take a dose every other day for a week, then stop.

That is really no different essentially than a CT.

 

so yes I hear your anger and frustration. 

My mention of a "cautionary tale" is for those few folks who may have a hard time really believing that what the drs have been telling them (in my case, for over 40 years!! I was very well brainwashed in that time as you can imagine) 

if you've trusted your drs and believed them, and then you come here and you find out that tapering can take YEARS to do right, of course, you may be skeptical.

esp if like me, you have successfully CTed in the past.

My "warning" is for those ppl who find out about tapering but still have a hard time grasping that it's really truly the best way to go.

 

after I jumped off and was in the horror and hell of delayed protracted WD, I was so envious of the mild symptoms of those folks doing the slow tapers.

I kicked myself all the time for not being more patient, as it would have saved me SO much pain and suffering.

This is not a judgemental thing that I'm saying, when I say, please use this as a cautionary tale- If I can help just ONE person avoid the sheer and utter hell that I went thru, then maybe that terrible period of my life will have some meaning. I don't know.

 

but yes, it sucks when you don't have choices.

It really does.

 

@Armorallhow are you doing now?

 

 

 

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Armorall

h2H I''ll  PM you what I sent Coco. thanks for asking. Also, I see now about the cautionary tale. I guess I wasn't in the psychiatric drug conversation long enough to understand other ways of quitting. If you've had years on the drug AND hearing about how you are supposed to quit properly, it'd be hard to grasp.

For me, I took the drug, never (regretfully) talked to anyone about it. and 4 months blew by. I say regretfully because everyone I know personally that I've told my story to, goes "oh yeah its dangerous to CT". Apparently everyone knew this in my wide expanse of social circles  but me. 

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Longestroadhome
Quote
   On 9/13/2019 at 9:48 AM,  JackieDecides said: 

 

I think you are incredibly inspiring and I love to read your posts. 

 

I know you continue to have challenges, but you keep on fighting them and you set an excellent example. 

is it OK to congratulate you on the two years?  😍

 

thank you so much for your kind words Jackie, you always say the nicest things!

I often don't feel inspiring, and sometimes almost feel like  a fraud, because I tend to keep the times I'm struggling to myself a lot. I do this because I know when I was in acute withdrawal, I'd read success stories and if there was even the tiniest hint of "trouble" I'd kind of freak out a bit and get discouraged.

I realize now that was my own reaction due to the neuro emotions and whatnot, and that most folks will probably realize that even when you're successfully off these drugs, you're still going to have to deal with life issues- and life is messy and can sometimes be hard.

I love what you said here about dealing with life issues. Yes! Just because we can heal from our drug withdrawal it doesn’t mean that life is a skate in the park. We can’t confuse that with withdrawal symptoms. If that were the case then we would suffer with withdrawal symptoms indefinitely. There is a big difference between withdrawal anxiety and general life anxiety. Sometimes I don’t recognise the latter until AFTER the episode is over. It is weird and chemical in nature. 
 

So happy to read your story and it has always been one of the most encouraging for me on here. I pray you continue to thrive 🙏❤️

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Yazz

Dear Long road,  did you also suffer from intrusive doom thoughts, feeling not wanting to wake up and cannot think of future plans , that's part of ahedonia right, do they fade by time ? I'm so glad to have read your post as ahedonia and loss of life zest is the worst for me , I have 4 kids and rarely engage with them . I want these thoughts to vanish . I'm not sure is it the ahedonia causing these thoughts about death or vice versa . I have faith and believe that's the rope that's keeping me positive although my emotions are totally the opposite. I have only been on medication for 6 month and fast tapered 2 month ago but still on benzo Bec it slows down the rumination . 

 

I'm very hopeful; but in search for answers. 

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Longestroadhome
2 hours ago, Yazz said:

Dear Long road,  did you also suffer from intrusive doom thoughts, feeling not wanting to wake up and cannot think of future plans , that's part of ahedonia right, do they fade by time ? I'm so glad to have read your post as ahedonia and loss of life zest is the worst for me , I have 4 kids and rarely engage with them . I want these thoughts to vanish . I'm not sure is it the ahedonia causing these thoughts about death or vice versa . I have faith and believe that's the rope that's keeping me positive although my emotions are totally the opposite. I have only been on medication for 6 month and fast tapered 2 month ago but still on benzo Bec it slows down the rumination . 

 

I'm very hopeful; but in search for answers. 

I answered this in a private message from you 🙏❤️

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Katy398

Hi H2H Thank you. You really are such an inspiration. I’m really in the thick of  it with Lexapro ,CT, Withdrawal. Reading your success story over and over seems to help on the really bad days. Thank you for helping me on my thread. I’m so grateful to have someone so wise with so much experience helping me. 

Take care and enjoy that life. 🧡

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Happy2Heal
5 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Hi H2H Thank you. You really are such an inspiration. I’m really in the thick of  it with Lexapro ,CT, Withdrawal. Reading your success story over and over seems to help on the really bad days. Thank you for helping me on my thread. I’m so grateful to have someone so wise with so much experience helping me. 

Take care and enjoy that life. 🧡

Hi @Katy398

I'm sorry you're in the thick of it now! I see you fast tapered a high dose of Lexapro, jumping off at 20mgs which is, you're right, basically a CT

It's infuriating that drs don't know any better, isn't it?


I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It does get better though, and my hope is that it gets better very soon for you.

 

You wrote: "Sometimes  when I’m really struggling all I can do is curl up and 

‘lick’ my wounds. Self indulgent but it’s all I can manage."

 

I hope you don't mind if I gently disagree, this is NOT self indulgent, this is self care. ❤️

you're going thru one of the toughest things ever, something most folks outside of us survivors, can't even fathom.  You need to do whatever it is that helps you get thru it.

 

I wish there was a way to fast forward time and get you to the end, but please know, it's coming! each day you get closer to it.

When you're in a better place, maybe write down how you are feeling and how optimistic and hopeful you are, how strong you feel, and save it somewhere where you can see it, for when a wave hits.

I remember how hard it was to feel better and then to have the awful stuff come back, you wonder if you've ever felt better, and you know that you did, but it all seems unreal when you're in a wave.

Hold onto to what you wrote when you were feeling better.

Nurture it, focus on it, even when you can't remember what it felt like, because it's going to come back. And the good feelings will bond together to bring better, more long lasting good feelings.

 

It's hard to imagine it now but you will get to where I am now, and this will all be more like a bad dream that you know you lived thru. You'll marvel at how strong you are, and  have been, I hope, and you'll feel so proud of yourself. You should feel that way NOW for getting to this point

 

do you have any hobbies? have you been able to engage in any of them?


I kept myself busy hanging out with folks and playing cards, going out to eat and to free concerts and things I actually don't really enjoy that much, but that kept my mind off how I was feelings. I avoided the news, newspapers, and as much as possible, negative people.  

Do you know who Mr Rogers is? if you want to listen to a very kind person with a soothing voice, you can find a lot of interviews with him. Kind of a random suggestion but I know I enjoy listening to him. His focus is on children but he sort of speaks to the inner child in all of us, I think.

 

hang in there, you're doing GREAT!!

your brain is working hard to get back to it's pre drugged state, and that feels awful but it means it's doing what it is supposed to do.

you are healing!! 

 

 

 

 

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Katy398

Oh my word @Happy2Heal,

Thank you this is so supportive. You really know  exactly what say to ease  the terror and pain that come with these waves.  This could only have come from a true sufferer. It’s so true, remembering how a window feels whilst in a wave, is impossible. It feels like they are the two sides of a coin, describing the details of the underside of a coin seems impossible unless it has been studied whilst in full view. My sister tries to remind me but I struggle to remember or even believe her. It’s as if my brain cannot remember both wave and window at the same time. 

I will take notes and see if it helps. Of course distraction is the best. 

Take care H2H,

and thank you again.

Kx

 

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