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Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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Happy2Heal
1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I guess I get confused as to whether to call someone a CT or taper when they have a history of CTing but their last attempt was a slow taper. I've seen several of those success stories and it makes me question my own situation. If those situations are so successful, then wouldn't it be better if I (who is a CT) go back on something and then slow taper it down?

 

how long has it been since you CT? reinstating is very tricky if it's been more than 3 mos I think is the recommended time frame? 

 

I don't know that you could call my last attempt a slow taper... I mean, it certainly was NOT the 10% of previous dose recommended here!
I jumped off at 2.5mg and when I reinstated almost 4 mos later,  my dose was SO tiny- Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
I see why you are confused! I removed the actual dosages from my signature!

Ok this will help you understand: I reinstated at - I had to go back to my original thread to find it:  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106

This was one week shy of FIVE months after jumping off at 2.5mgs!! 

I then took a year tapering off that miniscule amount, finally stopping at 0.02 mgs I believe it was. Literally a drop of liquid!! 

 

It was recommended that I reinstate at a min of 1mg but I was terrified of doing that.

I started off with 0.1mg and upped that over the course of a few days to 0.3mg. I think I may have played around with trying to go higher but felt worse, so I eventually worked with that dose and went down.

I didn't really get much relief from that tiny dose, by the time I reinstated I was in sheer hell with over 30 severe WD symptoms that only gradually got better over the course of several years. It gave me a psychological boost to feel like I was doing something by reinstating but I don't honestly know if I would have healed any differently if I'd not reinstated at all. And of course, I will never know.

 

Everyone is different and frankly I CTed from many drugs when I was younger without any adverse effects. I know plenty of people who have CTed and been fine. And then we have the people who seek help here, or who are lucky enough to find this forum, who are not fine when they try to reduce or stop their ADs or other meds.

 

it's very individual.

You can't really compare yourself too much to other people. 

some will heal slower, others faster.

My take away from that is to be extremely grateful  If I was one of the lucky ones who seemed to heal faster and to be gentler with myself if it looked like I was going to be a slow to  heal. And I feel lucky to be healing at all, esp when I know that some people have not been able to reduce their dose and are waiting to try to continue to taper.

 

 

In any case, it helps to look for what is getting better - focus on where you are improving, what symptoms are lessening and which ones are gone and then, no matter how long your journey is, you've at least had a more uplifting outlook on it.

What we choose to focus on is entirely within our control.

 

 

1 hour ago, Armorall said:

I had no choice, as most people who are in my situation would say, we never knew about slow tapering, or else we would have done it. Now I'm ranting and I'm going to be quiet. 

 

I totally get this. with a drug history that spans four decades, I had few choices about what drugs I was put on (I was forced to take the antipsychotics and threatened with loss of custody of my child if I went of drugs other drugs Rx'ed over the  years)

No doctor EVER suggested coming off these drugs without replacing them with something else (or several other drugs, usually)

No dr EVER told me about tapering.

At best a slow taper was to half your dose for a week, then take a dose every other day for a week, then stop.

That is really no different essentially than a CT.

 

so yes I hear your anger and frustration. 

My mention of a "cautionary tale" is for those few folks who may have a hard time really believing that what the drs have been telling them (in my case, for over 40 years!! I was very well brainwashed in that time as you can imagine) 

if you've trusted your drs and believed them, and then you come here and you find out that tapering can take YEARS to do right, of course, you may be skeptical.

esp if like me, you have successfully CTed in the past.

My "warning" is for those ppl who find out about tapering but still have a hard time grasping that it's really truly the best way to go.

 

after I jumped off and was in the horror and hell of delayed protracted WD, I was so envious of the mild symptoms of those folks doing the slow tapers.

I kicked myself all the time for not being more patient, as it would have saved me SO much pain and suffering.

This is not a judgemental thing that I'm saying, when I say, please use this as a cautionary tale- If I can help just ONE person avoid the sheer and utter hell that I went thru, then maybe that terrible period of my life will have some meaning. I don't know.

 

but yes, it sucks when you don't have choices.

It really does.

 

@Armorallhow are you doing now?

 

 

 

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Armorall

h2H I''ll  PM you what I sent Coco. thanks for asking. Also, I see now about the cautionary tale. I guess I wasn't in the psychiatric drug conversation long enough to understand other ways of quitting. If you've had years on the drug AND hearing about how you are supposed to quit properly, it'd be hard to grasp.

For me, I took the drug, never (regretfully) talked to anyone about it. and 4 months blew by. I say regretfully because everyone I know personally that I've told my story to, goes "oh yeah its dangerous to CT". Apparently everyone knew this in my wide expanse of social circles  but me. 

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Longestroadhome
Quote
   On 9/13/2019 at 9:48 AM,  JackieDecides said: 

 

I think you are incredibly inspiring and I love to read your posts. 

 

I know you continue to have challenges, but you keep on fighting them and you set an excellent example. 

is it OK to congratulate you on the two years?  😍

 

thank you so much for your kind words Jackie, you always say the nicest things!

I often don't feel inspiring, and sometimes almost feel like  a fraud, because I tend to keep the times I'm struggling to myself a lot. I do this because I know when I was in acute withdrawal, I'd read success stories and if there was even the tiniest hint of "trouble" I'd kind of freak out a bit and get discouraged.

I realize now that was my own reaction due to the neuro emotions and whatnot, and that most folks will probably realize that even when you're successfully off these drugs, you're still going to have to deal with life issues- and life is messy and can sometimes be hard.

I love what you said here about dealing with life issues. Yes! Just because we can heal from our drug withdrawal it doesn’t mean that life is a skate in the park. We can’t confuse that with withdrawal symptoms. If that were the case then we would suffer with withdrawal symptoms indefinitely. There is a big difference between withdrawal anxiety and general life anxiety. Sometimes I don’t recognise the latter until AFTER the episode is over. It is weird and chemical in nature. 
 

So happy to read your story and it has always been one of the most encouraging for me on here. I pray you continue to thrive 🙏❤️

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Yazz

Dear Long road,  did you also suffer from intrusive doom thoughts, feeling not wanting to wake up and cannot think of future plans , that's part of ahedonia right, do they fade by time ? I'm so glad to have read your post as ahedonia and loss of life zest is the worst for me , I have 4 kids and rarely engage with them . I want these thoughts to vanish . I'm not sure is it the ahedonia causing these thoughts about death or vice versa . I have faith and believe that's the rope that's keeping me positive although my emotions are totally the opposite. I have only been on medication for 6 month and fast tapered 2 month ago but still on benzo Bec it slows down the rumination . 

 

I'm very hopeful; but in search for answers. 

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Longestroadhome
2 hours ago, Yazz said:

Dear Long road,  did you also suffer from intrusive doom thoughts, feeling not wanting to wake up and cannot think of future plans , that's part of ahedonia right, do they fade by time ? I'm so glad to have read your post as ahedonia and loss of life zest is the worst for me , I have 4 kids and rarely engage with them . I want these thoughts to vanish . I'm not sure is it the ahedonia causing these thoughts about death or vice versa . I have faith and believe that's the rope that's keeping me positive although my emotions are totally the opposite. I have only been on medication for 6 month and fast tapered 2 month ago but still on benzo Bec it slows down the rumination . 

 

I'm very hopeful; but in search for answers. 

I answered this in a private message from you 🙏❤️

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Katy398

Hi H2H Thank you. You really are such an inspiration. I’m really in the thick of  it with Lexapro ,CT, Withdrawal. Reading your success story over and over seems to help on the really bad days. Thank you for helping me on my thread. I’m so grateful to have someone so wise with so much experience helping me. 

Take care and enjoy that life. 🧡

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Happy2Heal
5 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Hi H2H Thank you. You really are such an inspiration. I’m really in the thick of  it with Lexapro ,CT, Withdrawal. Reading your success story over and over seems to help on the really bad days. Thank you for helping me on my thread. I’m so grateful to have someone so wise with so much experience helping me. 

Take care and enjoy that life. 🧡

Hi @Katy398

I'm sorry you're in the thick of it now! I see you fast tapered a high dose of Lexapro, jumping off at 20mgs which is, you're right, basically a CT

It's infuriating that drs don't know any better, isn't it?


I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It does get better though, and my hope is that it gets better very soon for you.

 

You wrote: "Sometimes  when I’m really struggling all I can do is curl up and 

‘lick’ my wounds. Self indulgent but it’s all I can manage."

 

I hope you don't mind if I gently disagree, this is NOT self indulgent, this is self care. ❤️

you're going thru one of the toughest things ever, something most folks outside of us survivors, can't even fathom.  You need to do whatever it is that helps you get thru it.

 

I wish there was a way to fast forward time and get you to the end, but please know, it's coming! each day you get closer to it.

When you're in a better place, maybe write down how you are feeling and how optimistic and hopeful you are, how strong you feel, and save it somewhere where you can see it, for when a wave hits.

I remember how hard it was to feel better and then to have the awful stuff come back, you wonder if you've ever felt better, and you know that you did, but it all seems unreal when you're in a wave.

Hold onto to what you wrote when you were feeling better.

Nurture it, focus on it, even when you can't remember what it felt like, because it's going to come back. And the good feelings will bond together to bring better, more long lasting good feelings.

 

It's hard to imagine it now but you will get to where I am now, and this will all be more like a bad dream that you know you lived thru. You'll marvel at how strong you are, and  have been, I hope, and you'll feel so proud of yourself. You should feel that way NOW for getting to this point

 

do you have any hobbies? have you been able to engage in any of them?


I kept myself busy hanging out with folks and playing cards, going out to eat and to free concerts and things I actually don't really enjoy that much, but that kept my mind off how I was feelings. I avoided the news, newspapers, and as much as possible, negative people.  

Do you know who Mr Rogers is? if you want to listen to a very kind person with a soothing voice, you can find a lot of interviews with him. Kind of a random suggestion but I know I enjoy listening to him. His focus is on children but he sort of speaks to the inner child in all of us, I think.

 

hang in there, you're doing GREAT!!

your brain is working hard to get back to it's pre drugged state, and that feels awful but it means it's doing what it is supposed to do.

you are healing!! 

 

 

 

 

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Katy398

Oh my word @Happy2Heal,

Thank you this is so supportive. You really know  exactly what say to ease  the terror and pain that come with these waves.  This could only have come from a true sufferer. It’s so true, remembering how a window feels whilst in a wave, is impossible. It feels like they are the two sides of a coin, describing the details of the underside of a coin seems impossible unless it has been studied whilst in full view. My sister tries to remind me but I struggle to remember or even believe her. It’s as if my brain cannot remember both wave and window at the same time. 

I will take notes and see if it helps. Of course distraction is the best. 

Take care H2H,

and thank you again.

Kx

 

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Hanna72

@Happy2HealThank you for sharing your story.What a true inspiration you are. You give me strength. Thank you 🙏 

 

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Happy2Heal
On 3/16/2020 at 1:43 PM, phill said:

hi, i saw that u experienced insomnia, what meds did you take and for how long? did you cold turkey or taper? how long did you experience insomnia for? how long are you off all the meds?

hi Phill,

my med history is in my signature

I took all kinds of meds for over 40  yrs, including anti psychotics,  "mood stabilizer", SSRIs, benzos and Z drugs, etc

 

most of my drugs were CTed but usually were replaced with another drug (or several)


the last 2 that I got off of, were the lexapro and a tiny bit of klonopin I was using infrequently as needed

 

I had severe insomnia when I went off the lexapro (which was a combination of several CTs with  full reinstatements, rapid tapers and partial reinstatements ending with a fairly rapid taper down to 2.5mgs, jumping off, getting delayed protracted withdrawal and reinstating a TINY TINY bit 5 mos later (so basically, really, a CT off 2.5ms)

 

once delayed protracted insomnia hit, I had many nites of no sleep, or almost no sleep.

then I'd be lucky and sleep maybe 20 mins at time, once or twice a night

 

gradually my sleep got better, but it took a long time. 
 

I have been completely OFF all drugs since Oct 2017,  so 2yrs and 5 mos now

 

But basically, it got better GRADUALLY over a long period of several years

 

does that help?

 

I am doing very well now, much better than while I was on the drugs. and I am recovered from withdrawal

 

 

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Happy2Heal
7 minutes ago, phill said:

totally, how much sleep do you get now? how long did it take you to get better?how was your progress like? 

phill

I don't know how many hours, but I do know that is it enough.

 

I typically sleep for 60 to 90-mins, wake up and go to the bathroom, and then go back to sleep til around 3 am, get up for a bathroom run again (unless I've not been drinking much) pet the cat or play with her for a few minutes and go back to bed til it's time to get up (around 7  or so)

so I'd guess I sleep about 6-7 hrs total.

 

I don't keep track of hours anymore because I had such severe insomnia for so  long, I was stressed about the amnt of sleep.

I finally figured out that quality of sleep is a lot more important.

 

I now feel well rested most mornings.

 

as I said, my progress was a slow gradual increase in the time and the quality of my sleep

 

It's hard to say how long it took- do you mean while I was tapering, or once I was totally off?
If I go back to when delayed protracted WD started- that was in Aug/Sept of 2016, so about 3 yrs

HOWEVER my sleep was improving all the time, and except for the very first year (2016 to 2017) I felt like I was getting enough sleep to be mostly ok, just not as much sleep as I WANTED to get LOL

 

it's a long process.

 

I"m curious, what are you hoping to gain from hearing other ppls experiences?

 

I have read a LOT of the stories on here and I can tell you, insomnia is the most common symptom (along with anxiet) and insomnia is the thing that hangs on the longest

 


I read a great book a few years back, though, that explained that sleep is a primary need of our bodies, and even if we don't feel like we are sleeping, our bodies/brains will shut down, even if it's only a partial shut down, and get the sleep that we truly NEED.

so you don't need to worry about that.

 

as far as getting the sleep we want, and that is optimal for us, that's a different story

 

Use good sleep hygiene, it will help.

 

you are well on your way, you're already able to fall back asleep after waking up, I read, so that's great!

it will continue to get better and better

 

I

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Bythegrace

Thank you so much for your story....I am so truly, very happy for you and it gives me so much hope for my own journey. I’m 4 1/2 months off of Lexapro....making progress but very tough. ♥️

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Happy2Heal
On 3/17/2020 at 5:01 PM, phill said:

sincerely all these big pharma owners and those who supported the development of these drugs and hid the true negative sideffects should recieve life time in prison everyone should gather and make a huge lawsuit against these pharmas, they claim antidepressants use for INSOMNIA depression anxiety and many other things which turns out to be 100% completely bs, just like antipsychotic im not sure if it has any use for schizophrenia however it has absolutely no use for anything else other than that, do you know how an antipsychotic works?

 

On 3/17/2020 at 5:01 PM, phill said:

they do absolutely no research on any drug they sell, they have no idea what it does to your ******* brain, just take benzos as an example, doctors have no ******* idea of anything they used to pescribe benzos for peoiple to take everyday, WTF? just like ******* opioids they will the **** they want  to and if these big owners and people dont start getting arrested for THESE HUGE CRIMES AGAINST PEOPLE,

 

 

I hear how angry you are and believe me I am too! 

it's absolutely disgusting what they've done and continue to get away with.

hopefully the hundreds of stories on this forum and others like it will help ppl see how dangerous these drugs are, and maybe these makers of poisons will go out of business, at least.

But I too, would like to see them in jail.

 

On 3/17/2020 at 5:01 PM, phill said:

Also a question for you, you said u wake up and go do this and that, do you actually sleep and become unconscious or do you just kinda like take a nap but ur still awake

 I have pretty normal sleep now. Is  your sleep still feeling not quite like real sleep?

 

trust me, it's going to get better.

 

then when you are well rested, we can try to fight these jerks in Big Pharma together

 

;)

 

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Happy2Heal
On 3/21/2020 at 8:09 PM, Bythegrace said:

Thank you so much for your story....I am so truly, very happy for you and it gives me so much hope for my own journey. I’m 4 1/2 months off of Lexapro....making progress but very tough. ♥️

 

you are very welcome

 

getting off lexapro is tough but it can be done. please take your time, it will likely be a lot less stressful if you do!

oh Just checked your signature, is it up to date? according to it, you kind of fast tapered off that last 2.5mgs, if I'm reading it correctly, just a couple of months?

 

how are you doing now? are you taking the propranolol for heart palpitations or high heart rate?

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Happy2Heal

a random post about frustration, this is NOT at all related to WD recovery, I'm doing great and have not had any waves or issues at all ;)

 

I do have normal every day frustrations, though - like everyone does and this is my mini rant about something that is really bothering me, 

regarding the whole covid19 "thing"

 

the news reporting is really annoying me. They keep announcing numbers of positive tests in different areas, then they'll say *for example*, that the number doubled in just one day, or it's up x % or something.

 

does anyone understand how utterly meaningless these numbers are!?!?!

 

you first have to know, how many ppl were tested!! what percentage of the population.  right now, it's primarily those who are already sick and even then, it's mostly only the sickest of the sick

 

In some situations, depending on where you live or who you are, it's folks who were knowingly exposed that are tested.

 

since they are self selecting a group that is more likely to be infected, these numbers are practically useless- of course there are going to be a lot of positive test results

 

how many of them are not needing any care, and aren't in the hospital? how many have very mild symptoms or NONE at all? these would be good things to know

 

even the numbers of deaths don't tell us a whole lot- we need to know, how old was the person, what other health conditions did they have, and how long did it take for them to get medical attention? at least one person was turned away and later died. 

 

 

Now, I personally am not super great with numbers, they annoy me, so having USELESS numbers tossed out by the  media annoys me even more!
 

and these numbers are being used to ramp up ppls anxiety and fears

 

I'm not saying this is not a big deal, this pandemic, but please, when you hear ever increasing numbers, ask yourself, what do those numbers really mean.

Realize that in densely populated areas, of course there are going to be more ppl infected; there's more ppl *and* they live closer together than in other places!

 

in some places more ppl are tested so of course there are going to be more positive results, in places where few ppl are being tested, there will be few results, so, if you can't tell us what percentage of the population is even getting the test, maybe just don't tell us these numbers!!

they are useless.

 

 

so, try not to get too paranoid, be smart and stay safe but don't let the news media scare you silly

 

that's my rant for the day!!

just once I wish the news media would concentrate on truly useful information 🙄

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JackieDecides
On 3/28/2020 at 1:41 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I do have normal every day frustrations, though - like everyone does and this is my mini rant about something that is really bothering me, 

regarding the whole covid19 "thing"

 

it  is a big, hairy "thing", isn't it? 

 

I'm finding my low work hours tolerable (so far) ) but not having anywhere to go otherwise has been horrible. I had just started to feel like I could be around people on a regular basis with or without anxiety as much as I needed to and now, pretty much,  nothing.  on a sunny day I really want to at least go downtown and sit on the patio of a bar and have a cider - watch the people walk by.  I really miss going to the library, too. and my book club. and church. 

 

after I get home from work today I will up date my own thread. 

 

glad you are doing so well, Happy2Heal!  and it was a good rant! 

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Leo1983

Hi @JackieDecides

 

Would you tell me a little about not being around people during your recovery?

 

How long before you felylt you could and wanted to see people.

 

Also how did that start happening.

 

Keep safe

 

Leo.

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JackieDecides

@Leo1983  can you come over to my thread  and talk about this?  this thread is about Happy2Heal's success story.  thank you! 

 

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Leo1983

Oh apologies, i did not realise it was happys thread. 

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Happy2Heal
19 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

after I get home from work today I will up date my own thread. 

looking forward to it

 

;)

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JackieDecides
31 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

looking forward to it

 

;)

 

and I really didn't, turns out. I am so scattered! I will this morning BEFORE work. even though I'm only getting 3 hours of work, I'm finding it exhausting! 

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JackieDecides
8 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

Oh apologies, i did not realise it was happys thread. 

no worries - we all go off on tangents.  I just did myself. 

 

and Happy2Heal is a very kind woman with a lot of excellent posts so it's good you are here. 

 

 

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Rosetta

Hi, Happy!!!

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Happy2Heal

copied and pasted from another message cuz I'm tired today LOL

"I'm reluctant to put this down in writing but I think I just came out of a wave. 

I got into a bad emotional spiral with anger and wasn't sleeping, my vision was affected, and I just felt very uncomfortable and ill at ease.

I attributed it to the virus and the lock down and all the stress of the move and such

BUT

In the middle of the day, on Tuesday, all of that was just suddenly GONE and I felt such peace.

It was very odd.

 

Then I remembered that when I had waves in the past, they were often followed by being at a higher level of wellness and healing afterward.

Symptoms that I didn't even realize I'd had, were suddenly gone and it was their absence that I felt.

 

this is roughly 2 1/2 yrs post zero. "

 

the wave, if that's what it was, lasted maybe 10 days but with a build up period perhaps of a few weeks. It's hard to say because of all the stuff going on- the  move, the lockdown for the virus, and lots of personal stuff that I don't wish to go into here.

 

I guess after 4 decades on psych drugs, I should not be surprised to have residual symptoms. Esp when under tremendous stress.

 

 

I'm all better now though! ;)

 

❤️

 

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Cocopuffz17

That is great that you feel better now! Thanks for the update :) All the best in continued healing :D 

 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed ! 

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FarmGirlWorks

Nice! So great you feel better. And I love the description of how a wave has a "pre-period" and then the actual wave and, for me, a lessening and then it is gone. And, yes, stress def ramps it up.

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JackieDecides
On 5/24/2020 at 9:06 AM, Happy2Heal said:

the wave, if that's what it was, lasted maybe 10 days but with a build up period perhaps of a few weeks. It's hard to say because of all the stuff going on- the  move, the lockdown for the virus, and lots of personal stuff that I don't wish to go into here.

 

 

 

sounds like that's what it was! do you have any real doubt? 

 

whatever personal stuff is going on,  the Time of Covid has been freaking stressful for all of us as individuals and in a more collective way, as a society.  and it's not over, of course. 

 

it would be weird if we weren't having waves. or whatever we are having. 🙄

 

I'm glad it got better. it always does, right? hope so! 

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