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Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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FarmGirlWorks
13 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I will be switching back to herbal, I prefer it but didn't think I deserved to spend the money on it (the price keeps going up)
what I can do, is to use each tea bag up to 3 times, so that will help to cut the cost.

Me too. I like to put a tea bag in room temp water and have a "tea water."

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Happy2Heal
16 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Me too. I like to put a tea bag in room temp water and have a "tea water."

oh I"ve never tried it at room temp, do heat it up to drink it or no?
 

to be honest, for me, tea is a warm place to put a sweetener and some soy milk. The tea is just the excuse almost.

When I was little my  mom would have tea parties for us kids with very weak tea that had more sugar and milk than anything else. I find the warm drink comforting, esp first thing in the morning, even in the summer.

I've found I can't really put anything cold into an empty stomach so even if I have no tea nor milk, I will make a hot cup of water to sip.

 

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JackieDecides
On 7/14/2020 at 7:24 AM, Happy2Heal said:

It is a relief to me to just tell myself, ok this could be my brain still healing from those over 40 years of ingesting toxic chemicals,  and there's nothing I can do but wait it out and take good care of myself.

 

exactly!  and give yourself credit for doing so well despite that 40 years! 

 

On 7/14/2020 at 7:24 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else...?

 

yes, the way you explained it makes perfect sense.  whatever works, right? 

 

and if you get green decaf tea it might work for you - at least here, the generic brand is less expensive than herbal tea is. there is a bit of caffeine in it, but not very much. nothing like even regular green tea let alone black tea. 

 

I've experimented with them all!   last summer, if I had 3 cups of DECAF green tea it was too much for me! 

 

and now, it depends on what I'm doing. if I'm home, I can tolerate more caffeine than I can if I'm at work and it is at all stressful. and, of course, I can't always predict when it will be. 

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Happy2Heal

hmm

I am in a low level wave of symptoms with the same pattern as most of my recovery: symptoms worse in the morning, getting much better by noon, having a fairly normal afternoon, feeling much much better by evening and going to bed feeling hopeful and even happy-

just to wake up to the dread and anxiety.

 

The odd thing is: the anxiety and dread are entirely mental, all "in my head'- NO physical manifestations at all, no bodily sensations of anxiety, none.

My body is not registering it at all, except for the occasional short cortisol spike. Less than one per week.

 

I'd almost prefer the physical symptoms of anxiety, I could work with those. Exercise and yoga, deep breathing etc all made a big difference

 

but taming my thoughts, getting my mind to get out of the negative space it wakes up in, that's a lot harder

 

I am a bit sad and disappointed that I'm having this kind of a wave.

I accept it and I know it will end, but it's not fun.

 

I know to not make any big decisions during this wave...

so I just wait for it to pass and work on my self care

 


I had originally thought my feelings were PTSD related but the symptom pattern of a troubled morning and a dramatically better evening, day after day, certainly points to this being a wave.

 

oh well.

watcha gonna do??

 

🤔

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Leo1983

Hey

 

So sorry to hear this. You know the drill well. Keep looking after yourself.

 

Im in a wave noe for 1 week and its kicking me against the rocks. Im devastated as its a heavy wave. Making life very difficult 

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Happy2Heal
21 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Im in a wave noe for 1 week and its kicking me against the rocks. Im devastated as its a heavy wave. Making life very difficult 

 

Oh I'm so sorry Leo!!
I hope it's over fast

same for mine!

I hate posting about these blips, esp after all this time but I realized, IF I had done a proper safe taper of 10% instead of the stupid fast taper I actually did,

I would just be finishing up my taper about now!!!

so, considering that I went too fast and was on so many drugs for so very long, this is a tiny inconvenience really

 

and even in the worst of my WD recovery, I was able to do things and make memories that I can now look back on and enjoy.

 

it will pass, it will!!

 

 

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Happy2Heal

I think I need to stop drinking  tea!!!!

I was going to just finish it up but maybe that is the problem

 

 

I've only been drinking non herbal tea with caffeine  for oh, just about 2-3 weeks

 

sheesh, that could be it!!
it hasn't bothered my sleep at all, so I thought it was ok

 

I will have to stop it and see what happens

 

it will be awesome if it's just that simple!!

 

 

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Cocopuffz17
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I think I need to stop drinking  tea!!!!

I was going to just finish it up but maybe that is the problem

 

 

I've only been drinking non herbal tea with caffeine  for oh, just about 2-3 weeks

 

sheesh, that could be it!!
it hasn't bothered my sleep at all, so I thought it was ok

 

I will have to stop it and see what happens

 

it will be awesome if it's just that simple!!

 

 

Interesting that you mention that. I have to steer clear of caffeine. It really messes with me. I take decaf coffee now. 

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Katy398
2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

The odd thing is: the anxiety and dread are entirely mental, all "in my head'- NO physical manifestations at all, no bodily sensations of anxiety, none.

You know Happy my symptoms are identical. I’ve had very few physical symptoms throughout my whole 19 months after my 3.5 month CT. (Lexapro 40mgs!!!!). I too find it really hard to tame my mind. Meditation and breathing is all I can do but the random negative memories and catastrophic thoughts just keep coming. I get so frightened when I’m in a wave. 

 

I really feel for you. You’ve come so far and it seems so unfair that in Jan you felt 100% healed. How long is it since your last wave?  Do you think it’s Lexapro?

Hang on in there, this too will pass, you’ve seen it so many times before and it will pass. It’s just so horrid when in the midst of it all. 

Take care, 

Warm Regards K

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Happy2Heal
22 minutes ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Interesting that you mention that. I have to steer clear of caffeine. It really messes with me. I take decaf coffee now. 

I have been caffeine free for the past 5 yrs except for a rare half cup of coffee or some weak tea

 

It's always caused a problem for me, but I thought that once I was totally recovered, I'd be ok to drink some

 

I recently was unhappy about the cost of the herbal tea I normally drink and decided to go back to some cheap black tea.


I figured since it didn't seem to affect my sleep at all, it was ok, but these other subtle changes and now this less subtle morning dread and anxiety make me think that it might be the tea

 

the timing is just right, I was actually feeling wonderful before I started this tea.

 

Caffeine is a stimulant, and I don't need it or want it, I just wanted to spend less money.

 

this is the tea I love, but it's costs many times what plain black tea costs https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E63LQU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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Happy2Heal
16 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

ou know Happy my symptoms are identical. I’ve had very few physical symptoms throughout my whole 19 months after my 3.5 month CT. (Lexapro 40mgs!!!!). I too find it really hard to tame my mind. Meditation and breathing is all I can do but the random negative memories and catastrophic thoughts just keep coming. I get so frightened when I’m in a wave. 

 

I really feel for you. You’ve come so far and it seems so unfair that in Jan you felt 100% healed. How long is it since your last wave?  Do you think it’s Lexapro?

Hang on in there, this too will pass, you’ve seen it so many times before and it will pass. It’s just so horrid when in the midst of it all. 

Take care, 

Warm Regards K

 

 

thanks so much Katy

 

oh it's hard to get a handle on things in our minds, isn't it? wow that was a fast taper you did!! from such a high dose too.

So like me, you probably would have not even been finished a "proper" 10% taper by now, right? so it's really quite understandable that we have symptoms.

not fun, but it shouldn't discourage us, is what I mean to say.

 

I am hoping this is just from drinking tea, it would make sense. I  have been drinking more tea the past week or so because I have been more thirsty than hungry.

Gosh I hope it's just the tea!!

 

I went back thru my thread and found this from late May I had a ten day wave then but was under a lot of stress, my symptoms were different though, it was more of an anger spiral: 

~~~I'm reluctant to put this down in writing but I think I just came out of a wave. 

I got into a bad emotional spiral with anger and wasn't sleeping, my vision was affected, and I just felt very uncomfortable and ill at ease.

I attributed it to the virus and the lock down and all the stress of the move and such

BUT

In the middle of the day, on Tuesday, all of that was just suddenly GONE and I felt such peace.

It was very odd.

 

Then I remembered that when I had waves in the past, they were often followed by being at a higher level of wellness and healing afterward.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

THe great thing is that I felt SUCH incredible peace when that 10 day wave ended.

I was doing just great and felt so calm I thought it would be ok to drink reg tea.

 

I'm quitting the tea, and hope that this settles down fast. I don't like waking up with that dread, it makes me reluctant to go to bed at all LOL
I figure, just stay up all night and see if i can avoid it.

It's there when I wake up so if I never sleep...........

ROFL

hey, this actually has helped me in the past, I have stayed up all night and that kind of re set things for me

it works best for depressive symptoms but If I'm not tired tonight, I might give that  a try too

 

I also need to move around more, I have not added back gentle exercise, it's been so hot. I know that will help me, I just have to make myself do it

 

thanks for stopping by, I hope you feel better soon - and stay that way!! ❤️

 

 

 

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Cocopuffz17
6 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I have been caffeine free for the past 5 yrs except for a rare half cup of coffee or some weak tea

 

It's always caused a problem for me, but I thought that once I was totally recovered, I'd be ok to drink some

 

I recently was unhappy about the cost of the herbal tea I normally drink and decided to go back to some cheap black tea.


I figured since it didn't seem to affect my sleep at all, it was ok, but these other subtle changes and now this less subtle morning dread and anxiety make me think that it might be the tea

 

the timing is just right, I was actually feeling wonderful before I started this tea.

 

Caffeine is a stimulant, and I don't need it or want it, I just wanted to spend less money.

 

this is the tea I love, but it's costs many times what plain black tea costs https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E63LQU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Yea, I get that. But I would definitely spend the extra cash so you don't feel bad :) 

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JackieDecides

caffeine is a drug that can affect many of us much more strongly than we think it would/could/will. I mean, look at people in TV shows: they are having coffee constantly, why can't we have a tiny bit? 

 

because it's too big a drug, at least for now. back to decaf! 😍  

 

on the plus side, when we do have some again: zippity doo dah! 😀

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Happy2Heal
2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

on the plus side, when we do have some again: zippity doo dah! 😀

 

yeh for me I just don't want to be on any kind of drug at all, tbh

 

I love the herbal tea, it's just expensive- but I ordered a bunch cuz I don't want to run out

 

I used to like the taste of coffee but the last few times I tried it, it tasted oily and gross.

I don't mind the aroma when it's brewing though

 

 

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Happy2Heal

haven't got the herbal tea yet (mail order) but I have cut down on the black tea, only drinking a few weak cups of it early in the day and I am already noticing a difference

 

I still have the morning dread but it goes away a bit earlier.

so very odd to arrive in the exact same symptom pattern as early WD recovery....

this time there is NO doubt that this is a wave and it really underscores the fact that I need to continue to take good care of myself

 

that needs to be my number one job!!

It probably always should have been my number one job  :P

 

 

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Happy2Heal

If I had tapered properly right from the start in June of 2015 from the dose of lexapro I was on at that time

RIGHT NOW I would be at 0.03 mgs!!

 

I forget what I jumped off at- All I know is that it was literally a drop in the syringe, so small I could barely get it out.

 

but that was in Oct of 2017!!
 

here it is, almost Aug 2020 and I've been totally off lexapro for well over 2 yrs. I guess I rushed it a bit eh? 

 

I am really rocking this recovery thing for someone who went as fast as I did.

(not to mention how many times I tried to get off lexapro unsuccessfully! my poor brain, up and down and up and down for all those years!! 15 yrs of doses fluctuating from 20mgs UP  to 30 mgs UP to 40 mgs down to zero and back UP again, and down again, and UP again!! I was off it completely for 7 miserable months even.

 

Amazing how our brains are able to heal from this.

 

I am writing this now for two reasons, to make myself feel better about this wee wave I am in, and also to remind anyone reading this, that No I did not do a proper taper so don't be discouraged by reports of issues this far out from zero

I would NOT BE this far out from zero IF I HAD DONE A PROPER TAPER!

I am extremely lucky to have done as well as I have.

 

and this is a TINY TINY wave, too!! ;)

 

love to you all and esp the dedicated volunteers who keep this site going.

incredibly important work that they are doing!

❤️

 

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Happy2Heal

just want to document this very odd day

I"ve reduced the black tea more so that I only had 2 cups yesterday and one cup this morning

I took a 30 min walk this morning

then went out with friends for a few hours in the afternoon

 

got home around 5, ate a really nice dinner and was just sooooo tired, I decided to lay down for a bit before taking my pet rats out to play

 

6  hrs later, I woke up!!!

 

wow!

 

I'm very surprised, this doesn't happen often.

 

of course now it's close to my regular bedtime but I'm fairly well rested, not sure if I should try to sleep or stay up for a bit,  LOL


Guess I'll see what my body wants to do.

 

I have no idea if this long nap is related to reducing the tea or what, but it sure was a nice nap!

 

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JackieDecides
On 7/22/2020 at 3:10 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I am really rocking this recovery thing for someone who went as fast as I did.

 

this is so true and you serve as a good example of what people can accomplish. 

 

sounds like yesterday was an excellent day! 🥰

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Happy2Heal
17 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

sounds like yesterday was an excellent day! 🥰

 

yesterday was a very odd day!! 😂
I slept for 6hs when I go home, even had some dreams, so I know I slept well.

 

Got up and puttered around for an hour or so and went back to bed, never expecting I'd be able to sleep after a 6 hr nap LOL

but I did!!!!

 

for another 6+ hrs!!

 

I feel pretty darn good today! :)  Guess I must have needed that extra rest....???

 

how are you doing?

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JackieDecides
10 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

how are you doing?

 

could be worse, I guess. for short term things are going OK but I don't feel like I have a long term. I hate my job and where I live and can't see a way forward, you know? 

 

I try and try to be grateful instead of depressed and it scares me I have depression in the middle of summer - worry a lot about next winter. 

 

but, like I said, trying to be grateful. 

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Happy2Heal
18 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

could be worse, I guess. for short term things are going OK but I don't feel like I have a long term. I hate my job and where I live and can't see a way forward, you know? 

so sorry you're not happy with your job and where you live

 

do you mean the town/state or your apt?

18 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I try and try to be grateful

sometimes, who knows, it might be good to just feel dissatisfied and unhappy.... idk

 

19 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

it scares me I have depression in the middle of summer - worry a lot about next winter. 

 ah next winter is so far away, maybe let's not borrow trouble, there's enough to deal with in the present, right?

 

kinda makes it seem unlikely that you've got SAD from lack of sunlight if you're feeling down in the summer...

but what do I know.

I know sunlight helps me in the winter but for me, I'm starting to think it's more the social isolation, maybe.......

 

but anyway!! 

for TODAY I hope you have a better day than yesterday and I hope you find something to do that brings you pleasure and I hope your stresses decrease and that in general, things just improve all around

 

if you were to guess, how much of how you're feeling seems to be from WD recovery/

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Happy2Heal

some days I forget how bad acute withdrawal was (this amazes me because it was so so bad) and I almost wish I had that to deal with (!!!) 

because at least it gave me a focus.

 

now, dealing with regular life, I find myself unsure what to do from one day to the next...  (the "lockdown/shutdown is certainly a factor!!) 

 

I am discovering that for a long time, in the past, I just kept doing the same things over and over again, regardless of whether or not I found them satisfying,

regardless of whether it seemed like a good use of my time, 

it was just "familiar"

 

now, in uncharted and unfamiliar territory, I struggle with figuring out what I do want to do, what things do bring me satisfaction and what things feel like a good use of my time.

 

 

so far, for today,  binge watching SuperNanny on You Tube has distracted me from the difficult task of making better choices

 

 

🙄😂🤣

 

 

better luck tomorrow, eh?

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FarmGirlWorks
On 7/22/2020 at 3:10 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I am really rocking this recovery thing for someone who went as fast as I did.

(not to mention how many times I tried to get off lexapro unsuccessfully! my poor brain, up and down and up and down for all those years!! 15 yrs of doses fluctuating from 20mgs UP  to 30 mgs UP to 40 mgs down to zero and back UP again, and down again, and UP again!! I was off it completely for 7 miserable months even.

 

Amazing how our brains are able to heal from this.

Totally agree with you: it is amazing that our brains can heal so much from tremendous abuse and insult. I was on Zoloft for 5 years but same up and down with dosages and 7ish months off. Dear lord, my poor brain. 
 

Hope your wave ends soon @Happy2Heal. I’m doing well at present but have a strong fear of a wave now. In a new relationship and if that ended — whoah! 

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JackieDecides
On 7/25/2020 at 1:01 PM, Happy2Heal said:

do you mean the town/state or your apt?

 

I love the state and find the town charming, often. so it's just the apartment.

 

I found an old manufactured home I tried to buy (got my brother to say he's loan me money for a downpayment) but because of covid my hours fluxuate too much and the mortgage lender told me they would need to see "4 weeks of full time paychecks". it might be for the best, I don't know, and I am impressed I actually tried to buy a home! 

 

for now I am back to reading the "roommate wanted" ads on CL searching for a way to both have a bit more privacy (from the neighbors here, not all of whom are non-crazy, you know?)  and yet pay less for rent. my theory is, whatever else is happening I am still working on getting out of debt. I hope to be up to broke by the time I am 60, how's that for a plan!  😁

 

 

On 7/25/2020 at 1:01 PM, Happy2Heal said:

kinda makes it seem unlikely that you've got SAD from lack of sunlight if you're feeling down in the summer...

 

I know I have had SAD before and this climate makes it very likely I will again. on top of the depression I have anyway, it's something I can't help worrying about. 

 

 

On 7/25/2020 at 1:01 PM, Happy2Heal said:

if you were to guess, how much of how you're feeling seems to be from WD recovery/

 

it's so hard to say - the big picture! unlike so many, I wasn't fine before taking SSRIs I had serious depression from when I was 11 and hit puberty. I'd like to think without all those drugged years I'd be further along in dealing with it, but who knows.

 

my best bet is I still have much bigger mood swings than I will further out (please, please) - last spring was 2 years off. and I am pretty sure I'd be better now if it wasn't for covid! 

 

but, overall, I try to take ownership of all the bad decisions I've made (financial and otherwise) rather than just tell myself it's outside factors. it's both, of course. 

 

 

On 7/26/2020 at 11:01 AM, Happy2Heal said:

now, in uncharted and unfamiliar territory, I struggle with figuring out what I do want to do, what things do bring me satisfaction and what things feel like a good use of my time.

 

 

all the thoughtful people I know are re-evaluating priorites since covid. those of us who already had mood issues should really really REALLY be proud of ourselves for just plugging along - however that looks - during the pandemic. and this fall's election and the aftermath is looking to be ugly, too!  so whatever we manage to do, good for us. 

 

and  -  getting back to you, H2H, in your own thread!  -  I'm glad you found Supernanny to watch and I'm glad you are here updating us and that we can connect this way for now.

 

I found it was really hard on me being on SA regularly so now I don't. but that may change. I do still think up a Grateful List every day, just aren't posting it for now. 

 

love and blessings to us all!  🥰

 

and feel free to update us with kitty pix, K? 😊

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Happy2Heal

Dear JD, so sorry you're not happy with your new apt. I can relate to that. Just wasted a ton of money and effort moving out of one place just to move back in again. 

Feel really stupid about that, but can't change it so ....

 

 

That's great that you are working to get out of debt and to maybe buy a house. 
I'm a little confused about how looking for a roommate situation would give you more privacy....

or do you mean, you'd be out of a situation where you have no privacy from ppl you don't care for, and would be hopefully living with someone more respectful?

 

 

yeh as far as current events and the election go, UGH! just trying to stay away from it, everyone is being so mean to each other.  I have had to take a break from some ppl, they insist on trying to bait me into political discussions and I just got tired of being on guard all the time. I honestly wonder if I should be friends with some of these folks at all, but with the radically decreased outlets for socializing.... May not be a good time to burn any bridges, ya know? :P

 

Kitty is doing well, she's such a love! let me see if I can attach a photo of her. I also have 3 rats of my own now, all girls. I have a mom and daughter and another girl from a different rescue who is older and is like the gramma. they all get along great together ❤️

 tried to upload a photo, it was too big,

will have to try later, when I've got more time to mess with photo editing

 

 

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JackieDecides
7 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

you'd be out of a situation where you have no privacy from ppl you don't care for, and would be hopefully living with someone more respectful?

 

 

yes, exactly that.

 

and hopefully in a house with at least a small yard or somewhere to be outside. here, there is a tiny spot on the porch but I can't be left alone to read because there are two men in the building and one or the other wants to talk at me. not converse, you know, back and forth, but basically make a speech at me. I have no tolerance for that and yet I don't seem to have it in me to just tell them to stop it. 

 

7 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I have had to take a break from some ppl, they insist on trying to bait me into political discussions and I just got tired of being on guard all the time. I honestly wonder if I should be friends with some of these folks at all, but with the radically decreased outlets for socializing

 

that is unfortunate!  I admire you if you can tolerate people with radically different ideas and maybe keep politics separate. I guess for each person you have to decide if needing to socialize is worth dealing with the "being on guard" feeling. I hate that too! if you can't relax with people it doesn't feel worth it. but I realize I am more able to get out what with having a job and a car and so that's easy for me to say! 

7 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

Kitty is doing well, she's such a love! let me see if I can attach a photo of her. I also have 3 rats of my own now, all girls. I have a mom and daughter and another girl from a different rescue who is older and is like the gramma. they all get along great together

 

 

I am so glad! 🥰

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Happy2Heal

quick update, got off the reg tea, drinking only herbal now and it IS helping

 

starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

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Happy2Heal

another quick update, I wish I didn't write such long posts LOL

I'm trying to count how many possible waves I've had since getting to zero and I think this would be just the 3rd one

 

they've all been very mild, with mainly a single dominating symptom and have also been very short 

YAY for that!

 

this one seems to have been brought on by caffeine :(

 

no more of that stuff!

I'm 2 yrs and 10 mos past zero so this is pretty damn good, esp considering that IF I had done a proper taper, I would actually just be getting to zero around NOW!

 

so, hang in there folks, go slow and it'll be over before you know it.

honestly, it seemed like so long when it was happening but here I am and I have a hard time remembering it

You'll get to this place too, if you're not there already

 

 

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JackieDecides
10 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

quick update, got off the reg tea, drinking only herbal now and it IS helping

 

starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

 

excellent! 

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