Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[Erell]

Happy anniversary dear @Happy2Heal ! ❤️

Really, you may feel like that you "don't have much to contribute" any more, but reading uplifting upadtes like yours is always a delight and a special dose of hope !

Even if I understand completely the idea that after four years one can want to move on and turn the page.  

 

So thank you, deeply. 

I wish you the best in this new phase of your life !

[Rosetta]

@Happy2Heal 

Hi, I hope you get this message.  I miss all my friends who have success stories, including you.  I hope you will post an update once in a while.  I will have my 5 year anniversary of CT in Feb 2022. Come back to celebrate with me?

Take care, Rosetta

[Happy2Heal]

42 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

@Happy2Heal 

Hi, I hope you get this message.  I miss all my friends who have success stories, including you.  I hope you will post an update once in a while.  I will have my 5 year anniversary of CT in Feb 2022. Come back to celebrate with me?

Take care, Rosetta

Hey there Rosetta! so good to hear from you

Oh, I am literally only a computer away 

I guess I meant to say that I feel like all my updates are pretty much the same ol thing.....

Plus when it comes to remembering what acute WD was like, I've tried to put that behind me, so if someone comes along and asks about those days, I either literally do not recall or, I don't want to.

And I have no special wisdom to impart, that's for sure!
so I don't feel "needed" here, I guess is what I mean to say

 

 

but yes I will surely celebrate your 5 yr anniversary! woohoo! that's great! 

[Rosetta]

I get it.  I have forgotten many symptoms, but if I see someone describe one of them, I remember.  And, no, I don’t want to remember!  But I’m glad you will still check your thread.  See you around. -R

[JackieDecides]

On 11/9/2021 at 2:03 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I feel that I don't have much to contribute to the forum any more. I will probably not be around much.

 

this is probably a good sign - one of good health. honestly, people living normal, healthy lives aren't on internet forums very much, too busy out living life! 

 

I'm glad you are doing so well and Happy Anniversary to you. ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

hmmm......... I might still have some lingering WD symptoms after all.

 

I doubt there is any way to truly find out, though.

Since mid Sept I've been dealing with terrible muscle spasms, mostly in my upper back and neck but also some random cramping and spasms in my legs and toes, and sometimes a hand or fingers

I mean, really random stuff with no obvious trigger or precipitating trauma or event

 

I have been checked out by my PCP and a neurospine dr and they are all baffled.

I got a mild muscle relaxer from my dentist, that part of the pain was clearly caused by dental work but that pain is also gone. I got a muscle relaxer, low dose and it really helped a lot.

 

but the pain in my neck comes and goes so randomly. I decided to check to see if muscle spasms and pains were WD symptoms (I had forgotten that I'd had them early on, so glad that I am able to forget all that I went thru in acute WD!)

 

well, it actually helps me to think that these might be stray WD Recovery clean up issues in my brain, it helps me because I know it will end and it relieves my anxiety about finding out a cause and finding out what to do to avoid them, because so far nothing has worked

 

I read the posts on calcium build up and muscle spasms and tension and it was interesting to note that inactivity can exacerbate the issue

because I automatically become less active when I am in pain. I'm a wimp about pain, what can I say? lol

 

so I am going to try gently increasing my activity level and see if that helps

 

just realizing this could be a WD symptom has already helped me relax and that has made some of the pain ease up So I think I'm on the right track

 

what do you all think?

 

[manymoretodays]

Hi ho Happy,

 

I am very happy to read that your PCP and specialist did not find anything, as I started experiencing increased upper back, neck pain, and headaches awhile back.  I mean pretty severely.

 

It seems odd, that grief(loss of my Mum) could do that, but maybe so.

 

Just the last few weeks mine has been improving. 

 

Yay!!  I've been open to trying more counseling, and have a wonderful new psychologist, and that is helpful.  Getting at some of my underlying stuff, and learning to let go of them.  Also am working hard on all my relationships.  I really isolate and dig myself nice holes when I am in pain of the emotional variety.  So I am now becoming more social and restoring relationships I had neglected for a bit.

 

So I'm wondering if there might be any emotional connection to your increased pain and symptoms?  I hope that makes sense.  Or recent triggers?  You do say no obvious triggers.  Maybe less than obvious triggers.  I don't know.

 

Not much help, yet did so want to say hello.  Hello Happy2Heal.  Me too.  Happy to Heal.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, manymoretodays said:

Not much help, yet did so want to say hello.  Hello Happy2Heal.  Me too.  Happy to Heal.

 

it was actually a lot of help, thank you so much @manymoretodays  

 

what I meant was that I hadn't done any thing physical that could account what feels like pulled muscles sometimes and muscle spasms at other times

But I  have had several losses recently (3 of my beloved rats) and then in late Sept my PTSD was triggered by  a very upsetting event, and that has made me tense, anxious and angry....

but I was just thinking of physical things, not emotional ones

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. That's a big one! ((((hugs))))

 

My drs don't put much stock in emotions, it appears  the one I have now gets all weirded out about them, but to me she's very cold and uncaring anyway so! LOL

 

I have periods when there is no pain and I feel fine, so this does seem to be random enough to be a WD thing LOL WD symptos came and went at will and were pretty strange at times

This seems to fit.

[JackieDecides]

On 11/23/2021 at 5:18 PM, Happy2Heal said:

it actually helps me to think that these might be stray WD Recovery clean up issues in my brain, it helps me because I know it will end and it relieves my anxiety about finding out a cause

if it works, use it! 

 

 

 

On 11/23/2021 at 5:18 PM, Happy2Heal said:

ust realizing this could be a WD symptom has already helped me relax and that has made some of the pain ease up So I think I'm on the right track

 

I think so, too. and that for the rest of our lives we won't be able to stop wondering where we would be if we had those years we lost to drugs back and that's OK. then we have to move on. 

 

Doctors are pretty much trained to ignore emotions and that's a shame. weirdly, that gives them (the emotions, I mean) MORE power than they should have. so we all run around trying to distract ourselves from the ones that aren't comfortable. 

 

at least I do! 

[Cherio]

On 11/2/2018 at 5:32 PM, Happy2Heal said:

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)

 

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations.

All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.

I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now.

I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me.

 

 

Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache.

 

I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived.

I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness".

 

But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact.

 

while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care   

I have a good life. 

 

 

 

Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild.  and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come.

 

I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest:

I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

 

I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them

but today,  I give myself permission to bask in this feeling.

 

it feels like the right and honest thing to do. 

 

I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem.

 

to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery.

 

it's worth it, believe me

so very worth it!

 

 

[Pina]

On 11/24/2021 at 2:18 AM, Happy2Heal said:

hmmm......... I might still have some lingering WD symptoms after all.

 

I doubt there is any way to truly find out, though.

Since mid Sept I've been dealing with terrible muscle spasms, mostly in my upper back and neck but also some random cramping and spasms in my legs and toes, and sometimes a hand or fingers

I mean, really random stuff with no obvious trigger or precipitating trauma or event

Hello Happy2Heal,

 

I am 3,5 years after zero and I can write the same. It hurts a lot. Nothing is helping - 

Massages or exercises trigger even more.

It is a very bad wave. I really just want to cry. The pain is so bad. I haven't had such a bad wave in a long time. 

I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for sharing your symptoms.

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

19 hours ago, Pina said:

It is a very bad wave. I really just want to cry. The pain is so bad. I haven't had such a bad wave in a long time. 

I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for sharing your symptoms.

I am so sorry you are going thru this Pina!
I hope it ends soon

 

sending gentle hugs

[Happy2Heal]

Got a covid booster yesterday (my first vaccine was the J&J single shot, I had NO side effects or issues at ALL with that one)

but wow, this booster has knocked me for a loop

 

physically and mentally. I woke up severely depressed for the first time in YEARS. I mean so depressed I was thinking my life was worthless and pointless, what the heck.....??

It was shocking to feel this way after feeling so good all this time.

 

I know other people had physical symptoms from the vaccine and boosters (my booster was the pfizer) but emotional ones too? is that a thing?

 

I am just going to try floating thru it of course, not much else to do

Increasing my intake of green leafy veggies as well, I find that really has  a big effect on my mood.

 

which also surprises me but I've done a test many many times and the results are always the same, the more of certain veggies that I eat, the better my mood is.

I wish I'd been given a prescription to eat more veggies when I was a depressed teenager eating mostly junk food! could have saved me from the medical merry go round of pills and such!!!!!!!

 

[Happy2Heal]

come to think of it, yesterday I spent some time with friends and ate some candy something I don't normally do, also a half a pastry, also not on my normal diet so that may be why I am feeling so down today

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

speaking of diets, due to covid and emotional eating and then being a bit depressed and not really giving a damn (just being honest here)
I gained about 15 lbs, then lost 5 of those but most of the excess wt was from just overeating at first, not so much eating poorly. 

 

But then more recently I was in the I don't give a damn phase and I went off my normal low fat, WFPB diet (whole foods plant based) and ate more than 15% of my calories from fat-

and now that excess wt is solid fat around my belly and probably in my liver as well, and I am now prediabetic aka insulin resistant

 

so now I have no choice but to follow the diet more closely to reverse the insulin resistance (it's already working beautifully- even with the recent bit of junk food, I've gotten my blood sugar down and my blood pressure is coming back down too!)

 

it's amazing how quickly my body responds to a good diet change.

I am following the Mastering Diabetes plan. It seems crazy that you can eat so many carbs and lose weight, feel great and get your BG down but it's working extremely well. Another plus is that when I follow it to the letter, I have so much more energy and my mood is never low.

 

I also noticed when I eat leafy greens for breakfast, I lose all my cravings for junk and it also seems to control my appetite so that I don't overeat on anything.

 

very weird but as long as it's working, I'm doing it.

except on Christmas day since I was invited out for a traditional SAD* meal that day and will just eat a tiny bit of the prohibited foods so the hostess isn't insulted (*SAD= standard American diet but it's also the diet of most developed countries and believed to be the reason why these populations are so sickly)

 

this is the plan I follow if anyone is the Mastering Diabetes plan 

 I'd already read Prevent and Reverse Diabetes (by a diff author)  and another book on whole food plant based disease reversal (prob to reverse heart disease, I forget now) and they all come to the same conclusion, a diet based heavily on plant foods, legumes, whole intact grains and very low in fat, and animal products of any kind, is the diet to be on to either prevent heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, diabetes, kidney disease, fatty liver disease and at least 80 % of all cancers.

 

Just writing that all out for my own benefit, as I keep forgetting that I have very good reasons not to stray from this way of eating again.

 

not trying to preach to anyone at all, except MYSELF

 I need to make a list of these things and stick it on my fridge and cabinets LOL

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

 

it will be one week since my covid booster at about 10 am today and I think I can say pretty confidently that it caused a tiny wave-

I have a symptom that I haven't had since oh, gosh, 2018 at least? one side of my scalp goes all numb and tingly. It's not an altogether unpleasant sensation so I don't mind it, but it's def something I only had during WD and not ever before or since recovery. So to me that means I'm in a little wave.

 

this I find oddly reassuring because I feel a bit overly emotional as well, quick to come to tears, quick to anger, quick to become impatient and thankfully also quick to feel overjoyed by any good bit of news.

 

 

I am also incredibly tired and am sleeping thru the night plus after being up for just 4 to 6 hrs, I am ready for a long nap and take one. 
Get up, do some more stuff, ready in a few hours once again to zonk out on the sofa

 

that's why I'm up now and it's like 3:40 in the morning, I fell asleep on the sofa with the tv on around 10:30 and just woke up!

I still have to clean up the kitchen from dinner, put the laundry away and get into bed LOL

this is frankly wonderful to me, that I can sleep this much- after those very long years of such extreme insomnia during early WD

I see so many of you suffering with insomnia now and my heart goes out to you, knowing how hard it is to deal with and how awful it is to feel like it won't end but it DOES END and you do get your 'sleep' back

 

and when you do, it feels so good.

 

so even though for me this is a tiny vaccine related wave,  I'm not the least bit upset because it brought with the ability to sleep soundly and for long periods of time without waking up. I feel like this is helping me to heal even more because I am able to go thru cycles of REM sleep and those are supposed to be esp beneficial, I think, for memory and whatnot.

 

 

anyway that's my update for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Phoenixmama]

thank you for your update ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/21/2021 at 11:43 AM, Phoenixmama said:

thank you for your update ❤️

you're very welcome

 

how are you coming along?
 good I hope

 

[Happy2Heal]

sometime in late Dec I discovered BTS

 

any Army out there?  Borahae!

 

my daughter actually had told me about BTS a few years back but I watched one music video and it was in Korean, and I found it somewhat dark and depressing, the band members were very young and dressed in black a lot, just did not appeal to me at all.

[a little bit about me personally: In general I don't follow much in the entertainment world, not into music or movies and the like. I want to experience more of reality now that I am UN drugged, I don't much care for escapist entertainment.]

 

Fast forward to this past Dec. 
My daughter once again urged me to at least listen to BTS Class of 2020 Graduation address, so I did and wow, it was amazing (had to watch it twice because of sub titles) 

I got a bit more curious about this amazing group of young men and watched a few more videos, and have just wanted to know more and more since.

I stumbled across what have become my 3 favorite songs of all time, which are fortunately sung in English with some Korean and even a little sign language thrown in (in Permission to Dance) too  (Butter, Dynamite and Permission to Dance) 

 

The more I learn about BTS, the more I love them. Well I am surely not alone, they are world wide famous (and one member is world wide handsome LOL) 

 

There is something about their honesty and the way they freely express a wide range of emotions that just draws me in.

 

I started on psych drugs at 18 during a time when I was dealing with a lot and was quite frankly an emotional mess. I had severe PTSD but that was not recognized back in the mid 70s and so I was labelled mentally ill and medicated.

 

The medications numbed my emotions for the most part (although some of them caused me to have wild mood swings that got me diagnosed as bipolar, and others caused such terrible side effects and withdrawal symptoms that I believed I must be psychotic, as I was told that I was)

 

in any case, being on those mind altering chemicals for so long meant that I really never had much chance to deal with my emotions, to learn how to self regulate, I didn't feel much most of the time, unless I was dealing with side effects or WD. I was very detached from reality.

 

There's no reason to work on feelings if you don't really experience them as real, now is there? so I never did the work I needed to do.

 

This problem is compounded by the fact that the abuse of my earliest years left me terrified to even admit I have emotions (for fear of being severely punished for the "wrong" ones) at the same time other emotions were manipulated by my mother esp, who was a very abusive person in every respect.  I struggle with these things now. 

 

so, long story barely shortened at all LOL: I am now in my mid 60s feeling many times like a lost teenager with a lot of emotional work to do.

 

and amazingly, this BTS group is helping me in ways no therapy has ever has!

 

I can't even pinpoint why, but I have some guesses: the members are all open about their own emotions, we see these 7 men express great joy and great sorrow, and everything in between

Their main message is about loving yourself. I struggle with that, took,  and apparently so do a LOT of people. That's sad, eh?

 

well, whatever the reason, their music and their stories are helping me to work thru a lot of my emotions. 

 

here's  one that was released during the first year of the pandemic when they couldn't

hold live concerts.

it makes me think of everyone going thru WD recovery now and how your life may have been put on hold and you are trapped in a place you don't want to be...

but this time will not last forever, and you will have your good life back again!!!!

 FOR ALL OF YOU ON THIS JOURNEY! with love ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

if you go to  you tube you can watch it with english subtitles so you know what the lyrics are

 

 

[Ariel]

Hello Happy2Heal,

Just want to say hi and THANK YOU for all your wonderful posts here. Reading your thread and learning about your healing journey is invaluable. Thank you so much!

 

Oh, and I'm curious about your experience fostering rats. I used to live with a cat; she died a few years back (in my second year of WS). Since then I've been too ill to care for myself properly, let alone another living being, so while I've missed that relationship I haven't adopted anyone new. I'm currently in my fifth year of protracted withdrawal, it's still pretty rough going and I anticipate it may take another few years (though of course I don't know). I'm beginning to feel like maybe soon I could feasibly care for animals again, and your devotion to your rats is inspiring. I'm curious about the practical details of caring for rats -- what are their needs? What kind of set-up is required? etc. If you feel like sharing I'd be very interested to learn more. No pressure, though, if you're too busy or just not up for writing. It sounds like you have pleasantly full life, and I am happy for you that you are enjoying it after such a very long struggle!

 

Thanks again for your generous and supportive contributions here on the site. Your story is a beacon!

Love,

A. 

[Happy2Heal]

@Ariel

you are very welcome.

 

I am so sorry you've had such a hard time, I hope that things improve greatly for you from this time forward. There often seems to be a tipping point that a lot of ppl in WD reach, where things do suddenly start to improve in leaps and bounds. I am hoping that is the case for you.

 

Oh pet rats are wonderful! I have so much to say about them.... so if it's ok to do so, I can send you a private message with my experiences as well as links to some of the best videos on keeping rats, that were the most helpful to me starting out.

 

To get you started, Shadow the Rat on You Tube has some of the best info. This is just one of her very informative videos.

 

I have some stuff to do the next few days but if you don't mind waiting, I'd be happy to share my love for rats with you and answer any questions you  may have.

 

Feel free to private message me. It might actually be easier if you started with specific questions, as I tend to go on and on about rats, I love them so much ❤️

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

very quick  update

 

I am very busy, my life is good but with challenges, that's life, right?

 

but I do feel like I have either grown emotionally?

or possibly have reached an even higher level of healing from the WD of  all psych drugs

 

I don't know if there is a way to find out for sure, but some lingering issues with anxiety that I was barely even aware of, have vanished

and I am feeling even more free and light and "in" myself than at any other time in the past, oh I don't know, forever? LOL

 

It's all good and  surprisingly seems to continue to get better

 

😎

[misza]

Hi Happy2Heal,

 

I have read your previous posts and I have the following question for you - can you tell me how long you had a "wave" caused by the third dose of the Covid-19 vaccine? I took mine on the last day of January and I still feel terrible.

 

Cordial greetings!

 

[Ariel]

Beautiful, @Happy2Heal

I'm so happy for you!

 

Thank you for sharing. Your update inspires hope and restores faith where needed. Life-affirming for sure. 

 

Thank you for your generosity and kindness and

 

Congratulations on all your hard work that has brought you here! You deserve every reward <3

 

Love, gratitude, respect, blessings... Party on! 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

5 hours ago, misza said:

Hi Happy2Heal,

 

I have read your previous posts and I have the following question for you - can you tell me how long you had a "wave" caused by the third dose of the Covid-19 vaccine? I took mine on the last day of January and I still feel terrible.

 

Cordial greetings!

 

hi @misza

Because my first vaccination was the Johnson and Johnson one dose only (not the Moderna or the other one that was 2 shots) I've only had two shots,

the initial one and the booster.

I don't recall if I had any trouble with the first one.

The booster put me in a VERY mild wave for about a week to 10 days. 

I am sorry to hear that you are still having trouble this far out. I hope that things improve for you very soon!

[Erell]

21 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

very quick  update

 

I am very busy, my life is good but with challenges, that's life, right?

 

but I do feel like I have either grown emotionally?

or possibly have reached an even higher level of healing from the WD of  all psych drugs

 

I don't know if there is a way to find out for sure, but some lingering issues with anxiety that I was barely even aware of, have vanished

and I am feeling even more free and light and "in" myself than at any other time in the past, oh I don't know, forever? LOL

 

It's all good and  surprisingly seems to continue to get better

 

😎

 

What an amazing update ! Thank you Happy2heal, it's very generous of you to continue to give us news, and it's always appreciated!
❤️

 

[misza]

Happy2Heal,

 

thank you for your quick reply. I also had no problems with the primary vaccination (two doses of Pfizer). It was only the booster dose that triggered a strong reaction in me. Now that after what has happened, I will be afraid to get any injection until my withdrawal syndrome is over. Thank you for the kind word!

 

Regards!

[gentlehermione]

On 5/3/2022 at 2:13 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I don't know if there is a way to find out for sure, but some lingering issues with anxiety that I was barely even aware of, have vanished

and I am feeling even more free and light and "in" myself than at any other time in the past, oh I don't know, forever? LOL

 

It's all good and  surprisingly seems to continue to get better

 

😎

 

So happy2hear your good news! 🤩 

 

Wishing you continuing positivity and happy days 🥰

[JackieDecides]

On 5/3/2022 at 5:13 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I don't know if there is a way to find out for sure, but some lingering issues with anxiety that I was barely even aware of, have vanished

and I am feeling even more free and light and "in" myself than at any other time in the past, oh I don't know, forever? LOL

such a good report, H2H, I am glad to read that things are going so well for you! 

[Ariel]

Hello dear @Happy2Heal

Just noticing you've been leaving sweet little bon-bons of care here today. It's delicious to see your posts pop up in my notifications. 

Sending you a big HUG, virtual neighbor 

Feeling grateful for you and wishing you well <3

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

oh gosh @Ariel thanks for the virtual hug, and one right back  atcha! 

 

 

as others have mentioned, I find your way with words  just delightful.

 

If you can write this well while in withdrawal, I can't even imagine what your writing is like when struggling with symptoms. 😍

 

 

 hmm, I'm oddly hungry now.

I wonder why..?

😆

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

hi

well, this is a bit discouraging but it is what it is-

 

it seems having my PTSD triggered can put me in a wave. Or rather, anything stressful enough to trigger my PTSD symtoms can also bring on a wave (but not always, I've had milder PTSD symptoms that did not bring on a WD wave)

 

I'm just coming out of one now, at least I hope I am....

it's only lasted about 2 weeks but has seemed much longer...

not sure it's over yet but it's better than it was even a few days ago.

 

at first I thought it was just PTSD but the morning dread, the fear of certain corners of certain rooms, the totally unreasonable fear of un named things, the wanting to disappear, so many symptoms of WD hit me along with the nightmares and flashbacks, the emotional spirals- which are both PTSD and WD wave related....

on the one hand, I am not surprised- I was on psych meds for 43 yrs total, all sorts of combos and almost always as very high doses.

walking away from that assault on my brain totally unscathed seemed unlikely, so all of the healing that I have experienced seemed like a wonderful gift.

 

and it was, it has been, it's been GREAT

and this wave is NOTHING like acute WD

but it's the worst wave I've had since, I think, early 2020.

I thought I was totally in the clear but now my thinking is evolving to where I think that I need to anticipate that any significant stress can cause a return of some WD symptoms

 

OR- and this is something I don't know if I will ever be able to figure out! or maybe that the emotional upheaval of stress would cause these same types of symptoms ANYWAY. I don't know, I have nothing to compare them to

 

I was medicated from the age of 18

before that I was  a child living a life full of trauma, I never felt good or safe, or only rarely did.

 

I don't know what is "normal" for folks under stress to experience.

 

I really don't like mentioning waves this far out from getting to zero (which was Oct 2017 but I want to be honest

and also

to be honest,

could use a little comfort from those who understand what a wave is and how awful it feels.

 

so I've come here to confess, I am may not be 100% healed even though most of the time I have felt and believed that I was.

 

 

now, not so sure. but overall, still, vastly improved from the acute phase of WD- I want to stress that point because I vividly remember reading the Success Stories when I was in acute WD and any time someone mentioned having a wave many years after getting to zero,  my heart would sink, I would feel like maybe going thru tapering and all that wasn't going to lead to a good outcome. I was so fragile then and so easily scared of things getting worse, or never getting better

 

but things did get better, much better- so if you are reading this and are in acute WD or even in your 2nd or 3rd year of tapering, take heart. this is nothing to be scared of.

I went on psych drugs due to symptoms of PTSD that were misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses. My PTSD still has not been adequately addressed and due to lack of funds and lack of appropriate resources in my area, may never be addressed

 

but I muddle thru and for the most part I enjoy life being drug free

 

except the past couple of weeks

they have been really rough

 

 

[Ariel]

Dear, dear @Happy2Heal

 

I am very happy to "see your face" (oddly enough that's how it feels to read your post), and sorry that you have been having such a hard time. I'm giving you a big HUG right off the bat!

 

15 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I thought I was totally in the clear but now my thinking is evolving to where I think that I need to anticipate that any significant stress can cause a return of some WD symptoms

 

OR- and this is something I don't know if I will ever be able to figure out! or maybe that the emotional upheaval of stress would cause these same types of symptoms ANYWAY. I don't know, I have nothing to compare them to

 

I hear you on this and can relate to your line of thinking. 

 

Since the brain and nervous system are involved in both WD and trauma/stress response it doesn't seem unfeasible to me that there could be similarities in how we experience these reactions in our bodies. PTSD can bring up nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, intense anxiety, emotional spirals, digestive issues, sweating, vision issues, hearing and other sensory processing issues, all kinds of stuff that is really, really similar to WD and possible indistinguishable. That's one of the reasons why it can be so very weird to go through WD with trauma baggage, it becomes this huge stew of what's what. As you know all too well... 

 

I'm really sorry you've been in a wave. How has it been for you caring for yourself through it? How have you been managing? 

In your post you sound very constructive about it. At the same time I imagine it may be quite scary to be hit with something like this so far out. Have you felt like you've had the support you need? 

 

I'm also sorry the PTSD was triggered in the first place, leading to the past couple of weeks being so rough. 

 

I'm wondering whether it's possible, too, that now that we have WD as a frame of reference, we may be experiencing stress through the WD looking glass so to speak. Whereas if we had never known WD and wouldn't have that context of calling something a wave, we'd be thinking of it a little differently maybe. You know what I mean? I guess it doesn't really make a difference either way. What you feel in your body is what you feel in your body, and if it's challenging, it's challenging. 

 

I send you so much love, Happy2Heal. You're my favorite!

Big big HUGS to you and wishing for that wave or whatever-it-is to be on its way out. 

 

[Ariel]

Hi Happy2Heal,

Thinking of you this evening. 
i'm watching a documentary show about rats that have learned to drive little rat cars! They can steer and brake and everything. 

Hope you're feeling better since your last post and that the stress has subsided. 

Sending you hugs,

A.

[Happy2Heal]

21 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hi Happy2Heal,

Thinking of you this evening. 
i'm watching a documentary show about rats that have learned to drive little rat cars! They can steer and brake and everything. 

Hope you're feeling better since your last post and that the stress has subsided. 

Sending you hugs,

A.

thanks so much Ariel

I've meant to come back and do an update and answer your questions, but just haven't had the bandwith for it tbh

 

I'm ok just exhausted and feeling overwhelmed

but it's not all bad

there is one good thing in my life coming up in about 2 weeks

I'm looking forward to that and hoping that I have the energy to enjoy it.

 

more later ok

 

also want to catch up on how you are doing!