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On 11/2/2018 at 8:32 PM, Happy2Heal said:

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)

 

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations.

All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.


I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now.

I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me.

 

 

Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache.

 

I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived.

I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness".

 

But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact.

 

while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care :P  

I have a good life. 

 

 

 

Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild.  and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come.

 

I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest:

I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

 

I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them

but today,  I give myself permission to bask in this feeling.

 

it feels like the right and honest thing to do. 

 

I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem.

 

to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery.

 

it's worth it, believe me

so very worth it!

:)

 

I am so happy for you and proud of all that you have overcome and I feel honored to share this virtual space with you 😊❤️

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - stopped Wellbutrin

present- 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

50 mcg Levothyroxine since 2014

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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On 6/22/2022 at 12:00 PM, Happy2Heal said:

he past couple of weeks

they have been really rough

 

11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I'm ok just exhausted and feeling overwhelmed

 

 

I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you feel better soon. ❤️

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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18 hours ago, Mdawg said:

I am so happy for you and proud of all that you have overcome and I feel honored to share this virtual space with you 😊❤️

thanks so much @Mdawg

 

how are you doing?

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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7 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

 

 

I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you feel better soon. ❤️

awww thanks @JackieDecides

how are you doing?

I haven't seen any updates, I hope things are going well

Did you write a Success Story yet?

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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On 6/22/2022 at 3:15 PM, Ariel said:

I'm really sorry you've been in a wave. How has it been for you caring for yourself through it? How have you been managing? 

In your post you sound very constructive about it. At the same time I imagine it may be quite scary to be hit with something like this so far out. Have you felt like you've had the support you need? 

 

I'm also sorry the PTSD was triggered in the first place, leading to the past couple of weeks being so rough. 

 

I'm wondering whether it's possible, too, that now that we have WD as a frame of reference, we may be experiencing stress through the WD looking glass so to speak. Whereas if we had never known WD and wouldn't have that context of calling something a wave, we'd be thinking of it a little differently maybe. You know what I mean? I guess it doesn't really make a difference either way. What you feel in your body is what you feel in your body, and if it's challenging, it's challenging. 

hi again @Ariel

 

I'm doing ok,  it took me a bit to realize my PTSD was triggered, and there is much overlap with the symptoms of that and WD waves, so I  never really feel confident saying that what I'm experiencing is one or the other or both.

It's frustrating because I'm sure folks reading the success stories would like to know.


I also have PTSD FROM W/D!

so  😕

 

the things that made me think there was a WD wave involved were: symptoms would be present first thing in the morning but abate some by noon, and by say 4pm I would feel good, and by later in the day I would almost feel elated, that kind of going from early morning dread and high anxiety to feeling strangely super good does not match my usual PTSD symptoms

but it does match some later WD waves, the milder ones

Because early acute WD had no good feelings at all!

 

so if it was a wave, it was mild, very mild. 

 

If it wasn't a wave, that would be great, BUT the one thing I noticed (and have been noticing for some time) is that my response to a wave is different than what I normally do when my PTSD is triggered

 

With a wave, I acknowledge, accept and float. Just that acceptance almost immediately alleviates a lot of the emotional spirals

 

so in one way it's almost a good thing for me to think of these "episodes" as WD related and not PTSD related, because I respond differently

 

I tend to get very very very angry when I believe it's simply PTSD. which makes for some long and convoluted emotional spirals, let me tell you!

the anger is based on the faulty (?) thinking that someone else's actions triggered my PTSD, so therefore- not my fault but more importantly I guess, SOMEONE else's- so in my mind, could have been avoided, The YOU caused me all this pain and suffering thinking, which can run into it's not fair, it 'shouldn't' have happened, spiraling into a self pity pot, sometimes, or just more escalating anger.

 

When I hit acute WD from kindling, I knew immediately that there was going to be nothing I could do to stop it, it was beyong my control and I needed to learn to adjust and just make it thru it. I don't know how or why I KNEW that, but I did.

 

PTSD seems more like something that was both done TO me, as well as a long time condition that I have not been able to master very well, 

and while I partly blame myself for that

I'm not sure that's valid as I've had very inadequate therapy for the PTSD

almost none, really.

and there is really none available to me, so that opens up another spiral of anger and self pity and depression and hopelessness sometimes too

 

so yeh, I hope it doesn't disturb any new comers to this site to read that I prefer to call my every day life issues a "wave" from WD recovery

rather than simple PTSD, or use some other label

They may NOT be waves, I honestly don't know and don't know if there is any way To know for sure.

 

but labelling them waves helps me deal with them, so please forgive me for that, and realize that they may not be, and that you don't have to worry if you are say 2 or 3 or more years off your psych meds, or even just starting to taper, don't worry that the process never seems to end

 it DOES

 

I also have not been as strict with my diet as I had been in the past. I was not consuming ANY caffeine and now I have a cup of coffee from time to time. I don't really pay close attention to whether or not it affects me but I guess I should.

that could have set things off for me as much as any other life events

 

I am going thru a very stressful time in life in general and it continues but since labelling it a wave, I've felt 100% times better and feel more in control of my reactions

 

 

I was going to post this somewhere else to reach more readers and maybe I still will but:


I need some suggestions.

I have one PTSD-related symptom? or problem- that I struggle with. It's that when triggered I am no longer able to respond to things

instead I only react

(out of fear, anxiety, trying to stay alive by not rocking the boat further, etc)

I also often experience a lot of anger that my PTSD was triggered and my reaction to anger is, Very unfortunately, to hold my breath

this makes EVERYTHING worse

 

I can't get therapy, it's not in the card for many reasons 

BUT does anyone know of any self help videos that would address these issues?

 

I know that biofeedback would help me with the anger issues but it's expensive

I keep thinking there may be a cheaper way to do it myself.

 

 

well I gotta get ready for another day of conflict and upheaval, really just want to go back to bed, LOL

 

thank you so much for your continued care and concern Ariel, I so appreciate it

 

how are things with you? I will try to check out your thread soon

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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Dear, dear @Happy2Heal

I will write more later but just wanted to quickly reach out and send you a big hug! 

 

I'm sorry things are so stressful right now. Is the situation such that there's an end in sight? Does the stress seem specific and finite?

This is not to pry, just wondering about the nature of it. Because sometimes it can be easier if it's a concrete thing and we can say, okay well at least I know it'll be over by X date. And conversely if it's a nebulous general chronic stress situation (not unlike WD), that can make things so much harder to manage. 

 

If it helps you to call it a wave, by all means, call it a wave!! Who cares what anyone else thinks, or what it "really" is? (Who's to say what anything "really" is, anyway??) You help yourself in any way you can. <3

 

@Greatful has often mentioned therapist Emma McAdam, a therapist who has a youtube channel called Therapy in a Nutshell.

There are a lot of free videos there. I've watched a few and like McAdam's style, very grounded and practical.

I think there's a free "course" of about 30 videos that introduce how to work with emotions, or something like that.  

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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  • Moderator

@Happy2HealI am awestruck by your story. You are a walking, living, miracle, especially considering your highly traumatic past.  I hope things are still going well for you.  

Please do not tag me, unless it is an urgent question about tapering or reinstatement. 

 

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

 

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 '02 - 10 mg;  Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07, Oct 6 - 0.06, Nov 21 0.05, Dec. 17 0.04, Jan 14 '22 0.03, Feb 19 0.02, Apr 18 0.01, May 15 0.005,  Jul 8, 0.00.  Psych Drug Free as of July 8, 2022!!  Woohoo!!!

Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg as needed

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

Trazodone on occasion, stopped in late 2019

Xanax on occasion, stopped in late 2019

magnesium in small amounts at 4 AM, breakfast, 3 PM, before bed

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 2.5 mg

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On 6/29/2022 at 4:05 AM, Happy2Heal said:

awww thanks @JackieDecides

how are you doing?

I haven't seen any updates, I hope things are going well

Did you write a Success Story yet?

 

I haven't written a Success Story since my mental health hasn't been anything to brag about. but, you know, pandemic and so forth. 

 

but I DID suceed at getting off SSRIs so I should write one, apparently. 

 

things could be a lot worse. I hate my job and can't find affordable housing, but on the other hand I managed to get out of credit card debt and there is at least a chance I could someday retire. 

 

if I work like a sled dog for a few years....

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Thinking of you @Happy2Heal

Holding space for your experience, sending love and healing vibes 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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On 7/2/2022 at 6:03 PM, getofflex said:

@Happy2HealI am awestruck by your story. You are a walking, living, miracle, especially considering your highly traumatic past.  I hope things are still going well for you.  

thank you so very much for your kind words

I hope some day to feel more confident in myself that I've overcome a lot, lately it seems like I'm just keeping my head above water some days

but that is probably not an accurate assessment, to be fair

 

things are easing up but still exhausted and easily get over emotional, so I'm working thru it

bit by bit

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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20 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I haven't written a Success Story since my mental health hasn't been anything to brag about. but, you know, pandemic and so forth. 

 

but I DID suceed at getting off SSRIs so I should write one, apparently. 

 

things could be a lot worse. I hate my job and can't find affordable housing, but on the other hand I managed to get out of credit card debt and there is at least a chance I could someday retire. 

 

if I work like a sled dog for a few years....

ah life struggles! so sorry that they are so difficult for you. It's like that all over, I know, I hope thing improve dramatically for you

 

hang in there! 

 

glad you got off the psych meds, I hope you feel good about that at least...?

 

take care

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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2 hours ago, Ariel said:

Thinking of you @Happy2Heal

Holding space for your experience, sending love and healing vibes 

thank you hon

I will respond to your earlier post as soon as I'm in a better spot

Things are getting better

and I have been able to find some good things to divert my attention from stress, so that's awesome

but still very tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed, like I was hit by  a bus, ya know?

 

I'm going to be fine, just need to take some time to sort thru what happened and why, and get myself back on my feet.

 

I go between not being able to feel my body at all, to being in terrible pain- so the PTSD is still rocking my boat like crazy but it IS  improving

some of the stress was more or less time limited, and I've got some breathing room now

 

I should say, I AM fine, just really tired. 

 

thank you for your love and healing vibes, much appreciated! right back atcha, too!

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Mentor

@Happy2Heal

I highly recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. If you haven't already.

It was very enlightening for me.  The validation I got from learning about how trauma affects you and how your brain response to it.  Now I am at the part of the book that addresses healing technique.  I am especially excited to learn more about "edmr" and "putting the pieces back together...self-leadership,  internal family systems therapy IFS". 

Trauma can have a lasting impact on us and learning about it and how to address it,  I hope will make the difference in moving past the dysfunction that it created in my life. 

 

I also think  learning CBT are a added bonus and are essential to changing negative cognitive distortions in ourselves.

You are an inspiration to me,  getting off all the drugs is a great triumph in itself, it will be even better when you   heal  from  the trauma.🌞 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazadone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 300 to 400mg a day 

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg  Sept/25  4.75mg   Oct/19 4.69mg  Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg  5/2 3mg  6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.70 mg  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg 8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.3mg

Lamictal 25mg

 

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On 7/15/2022 at 1:40 PM, Greatful said:

@Happy2Heal

I highly recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. If you haven't already.

It was very enlightening for me.  The validation I got from learning about how trauma affects you and how your brain response to it.  Now I am at the part of the book that addresses healing technique.  I am especially excited to learn more about "edmr" and "putting the pieces back together...self-leadership,  internal family systems therapy IFS". 

Trauma can have a lasting impact on us and learning about it and how to address it,  I hope will make the difference in moving past the dysfunction that it created in my life. 

 

I also think  learning CBT are a added bonus and are essential to changing negative cognitive distortions in ourselves.

You are an inspiration to me,  getting off all the drugs is a great triumph in itself, it will be even better when you   heal  from  the trauma.🌞 

 

 

thank  you for your helpful post, @Greatful

 

I am sorry you've experienced trauma  as well. It makes life so much harder than it needs to be, doesn't it?

 

I have not been able to find a  good CBT therapist, but am still looking. I did try  EMDR but it was not helpful for me, it made things worse actually.

I would like to find someone who does "body work" but there's no one like that around my area that I could afford to see

 

 

how are you doing these days, dear friend?

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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just a little update ;

 

I am taking a muscle relaxer again- well, so far I have only taken 4 small pills total (5mgs each, a very low dose of flexeril)

 

I have the same neck and shoulder pain and spasms that I had last fall, when something upsetting happened at my apt, and my PTSD was triggered.

 


Something happened again recently that also triggered my PTSD 

 

plus, coinciding with the upsetting event, was some dental work, both times, back last fall and again recently (I had 5 crowns done all in one day plus a large filling!)

 

also, in Sept I do a lot of stock up shopping before the weather gets bad, so I was carrying a LOT of heavy loads up to the 3rd floor, and I may have taken the ACs out around that time too, not sure

 

I did a lot of stock up shopping recently too, because I hate carrying heavy stuff up to the 3rd floor when it's really hot, too! 

 

so, given the muscle strain, the PTSD trigger, and all of that, I guess it's really no wonder I've got a lot of muscle pain and spasms!

 

I saw the dr and she felt from the base of my neck to my waist and commented "You really are a mess!" 
I have swelling and apparently  obviously tight spasms of my neck, shoulders and back muscles.

 

I have been taking aleve, which doesn't seem to help much.

I did tell the Dr that my PTSD was triggered and that is probably why it's so hard for me to "just relax"...

she seemed to understand.

 

I have been exhausted because I was in too much pain to sleep!

 

so I got home with my Rx of flexeril and I felt almost like a drug addict, I was so happy to have these stupid pills because I knew that i would get a lot of relief from them

She'd told me I could take 2 at night so I could sleep better

Well I got home around 4pm and since I hadn't slept much at all in days, I said, well this is my night time now LOL and took 2 flexeril (10 mgs total, still a low dose)

 

and I was out cold and didn't wake up again til sometime after 11:30 

I got up, went to the bathroom, checked on the cat, and went back to sleep til 3:30 am!

got up, did the bathroom run again, had a drink of seltzer and fell back asleep for another couple of hours!!!!!!!!!

 

YES I was that tired!!

OH I needed that sleep so much!

 

I had several dreams during those long sleeps, that felt healing to me. Even though one dream had a trauma related theme- in the dream, an upsetting issue was more or less resolved;

in other dream I stood up for myself and avoided being abused, that was a first, I think!  

 

 

My plan is to not take the flexeril at all unless pain is keeping me awake again.

if I remember correctly, flexeril can make you feel depressed if you take it too long.

 

I have enough to take it daily for 20 days but I def will not be taking it on a regular basis, just for if the pain gets bad again, and I go without sleep for several nights.

 

I have felt a lot better since, and while I still have ongoing pain and spasms they are easing up quite a bit.

 

I do stretches and stuff during the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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and now, a totally joyful post!

 

I have a community garden this year and I LOVE IT

I already harvested about 4 lbs of peas, some wax beans I grew for a friend and some spinach and celery too oh and radishes

 

also I harvested and ate two giant heirloom tomatoes! I started from seeds I took out of a tom I bought at a grocery store. I believe it is a Black Krim, deeply grooved tom with such a great flavor!! and BIG too!

 

I've got over a dozen tom plants, 10 summer squash plants, 1 Brussels Sprouts plant, about 9 broccoli plants, one cucumber, 2 potatoes (my first time growing those) and some basil and squash and dill and little things like that


I have an even longer list of friends who want toms and squash! LOL

 

I am keeping ALL of the broccoli, it doesn't produce a lot and I LOVE BROCCOLI!

it's my fav breakfast, steamed broccoli!

 

(followed by steamed baby spinach, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, peas and potatoes)

 

I went to a big party last weekend, it was so much fun! I didn't know anyone there, except for "meeting" them online in a FB group but it turned out to be a fantastic day and I hope we'll all get together again soon!

 

I had been eating poorly for awhile and that was getting me down, I keep forgetting that I am still quite sensitive to all things, including food.

I need to keep my diet very clean or things get bad.

My digestion suffers, my mood suffers and my sleep suffers.

 

so, no more meat, eggs, dairy and esp no more COOKIES or other sweets! no chips! no crap!

 

Just good wholesome whole foods. It makes a HUGE difference in how I feel.

 

(*TMI but-  I can't eat any eggs, meat or dairy without getting severely constipated, I mean, REALLY bad)

 

I can't eat any quantity of sweets without going on an emotional rollercoaster  of highs and lows and crying jags

 

and if I eat highly processed foods like chips, crackers, pretzels, I have terrible terrible joint pain.

 

so I am thrilled to have  a garden where I can grow the foods that fuel my body and my soul.

 

The garden is in a nice peaceful spot, there's lot of birds and flowers and green grass and a stand of pine trees not too far off (but not close enough  to shade the garden much) 

 

Having a good life.

:D 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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@Happy2Heal

Hello, friend, and thank you for your updates. 

 

I am so pleased to read that you took the necessary steps to get some much-needed rest. Sounds like everything else that has been going on and your bodily reactions have been exacerbated by lack of sleep, which in turn made everything feel more intense. It's a rough feedback loop to get caught in. Good on you for advocating for yourself and breaking the cycle. The dreams you had sound really strong and healthy, too. It's cool you're noticing that. 

 

49 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

Something happened again recently that also triggered my PTSD 

 

plus, coinciding with the upsetting event, was some dental work, both times, back last fall and again recently (I had 5 crowns done all in one day plus a large filling!)

 

also, in Sept I do a lot of stock up shopping before the weather gets bad, so I was carrying a LOT of heavy loads up to the 3rd floor, and I may have taken the ACs out around that time too, not sure

 

I did a lot of stock up shopping recently too, because I hate carrying heavy stuff up to the 3rd floor when it's really hot, too! 

 

so, given the muscle strain, the PTSD trigger, and all of that, I guess it's really no wonder I've got a lot of muscle pain and spasms!

 

This sure does sound like a lot to deal with, dear Happy2Heal. 

Give yourself lots of credit for your strength and perseverance in the face of adversity. You continuously work hard to overcome challenges and even though you are very brave and tough, that exertion takes its toll. You deserve a break! 

I hope that it's becoming easier to sleep and rest and that gradually the tension is lifting and resolving. 

 

35 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

and now, a totally joyful post!

 

I have a community garden this year and I LOVE IT

 

35 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

so I am thrilled to have  a garden where I can grow the foods that fuel my body and my soul.

 

The garden is in a nice peaceful spot, there's lot of birds and flowers and green grass and a stand of pine trees not too far off (but not close enough  to shade the garden much) 

 

Having a good life.

:D

 

35 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I went to a big party last weekend, it was so much fun! I didn't know anyone there, except for "meeting" them online in a FB group but it turned out to be a fantastic day and I hope we'll all get together again soon!

 

This is all such awesome news, thank you so much for sharing! 

It puts a huge smile on my face to think of you in your garden harvesting and feasting on homegrown goodies. 

 

How bold to go to a big party and socialize with lots of new people. Way to go! I'm happy that it went well and you had a fantastic time. 

 

This reminds me of something Shep sometimes says, about how part of healing is making new (pleasant) memories to replace the old (unpleasant) ones. Of course it depends on the trauma, and I don't for a second mean to suggest that one can just overwrite it. I am trying to express my admiration and support for your capacity to venture out into the world and explore new avenues of connection and embark on new adventures. I trust that is excellent for neurogenesis and experiences of joy and pleasure and meaning, as well as gradually building and expanding a support system.

 

I wish for you to make friends and meet kind people with whom you can not only party but who might also maybe help you once in a while with carrying all those heavy grocery items so your muscles don't get so overtaxed, and maybe some good folks who are good listeners and might provide extra compassion and companionship if/when times get rough. You seem very independent and self-reliant, which is impressive; and at the same time it would be great to benefit from some community support. (Not to be overbearing, just sharing my thoughts, and I'm probably projecting a bit, too. I sure wish I could come over and help you out with some of that heavy lifting, or just sit around and hang out and eat broccoli together (if you care to share, although I don't want to mooch on your precious stash; I'll bring my own, haha, it's a Bring Your Own Broccoli party), and I'm sorry I can't be there for you.)

 

Sending all my love and support, Happy2Heal. I'm delighted to hear of these recent developments and grateful that you've shared about it all with us here. I think of you often, and fondly, and wish you all the very best on your continuous healing journey.

Healing is happening all the time, whether or not we consciously feel it. 

Peace and healing vibes,

A. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Happy2Heal

 

This is a quote from Shep along the lines of what I mentioned above:

 

On 6/16/2022 at 2:17 PM, Shep said:

 

Rest assured, many of us find that we heal - and probably better - without the intrusion of a therapist. We instead chart our own path on our own terms. 

 

As we recover, we're able to venture out into the world and have really good experiences. These experiences turn into memories that replace the trauma memories, especially since we tend to make better life choices once we're no longer drugged. Over time, we build up an entire library of experiences to draw on where we're feeling good, building better relationships, finding job opportunities, etc. This is the re-build phase of recovery. This is where we can rediscover trust and feelings of safety. 

 

It happens slowly, giving us time to keep practicing the non-drug coping skills and allowing us to make mistakes and learn from them. One step at a time. As the newer, better memories replace the old trauma memories, you begin to feel something that is so elusive during withdrawal - hope. 

 

 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Happy2Heal 🌞

2021:  started celexa 10mg feb 2nd 

feb 25th took my last 10g

feb 26th took 5mg

feb 27th took 5mg 

feb 28th 2021 cold turkey 

currently taking mag

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On 7/17/2022 at 7:40 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I have a community garden this year and I LOVE IT

 

On 7/17/2022 at 7:40 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I went to a big party last weekend, it was so much fun! I didn't know anyone there, except for "meeting" them online in a FB group but it turned out to be a fantastic day and I hope we'll all get together again soon!

 

On 7/17/2022 at 7:40 AM, Happy2Heal said:

so I am thrilled to have  a garden where I can grow the foods that fuel my body and my soul.

 

 

I was so happy to read this! the garden and the meeting people both sound exellent. 

 

how's your pain been, have you even needed the flexeril? 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Lexapro is the big disease that cures the small disease!

I don't speak English fluently but I speak to you with google translator

2005-2006:Diversity in taking medications
 2006-2019 Seroxat 20 mg
 2020-2021 Cipralex 15 mg
 March 2021 it has decreased from 15 mg to 12.5 mg/

August 2021 9 mg/

September 12, 2021 8 mg / October 12, 2021 7 mg / November 12, 2021 6 mg / December 12, 2021 5 mg / January 12, 2022 4.5 mg / February 12, 2022 4 mg/

March - April 3.5 mg/

May 3 mg/


 Never give up, your new world is waiting for you

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thinking of you @Happy2Heal

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Share on other sites

thank you so much Ariel

 

i plan to post some news soon 

in the meantime

just want to put this here for myself and anyone else it might help

 

https://ideas.ted.com/7-strategies-to-help-you-live-with-uncertainty/

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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Share on other sites

ok time for an update. :) 

 

I made some good decisions regarding my diet and have been definitely reaping the rewards from that, far less pain except from times I over do it, or try something new (tried out a different yoga class, I used muscles I didn't even know I had LOL but it was fun and I'll def go back) No digestive upsets. No mood swings from sugar highs and lows. 

 

the difference in my moods when I don't eat sugar - it's like night and day. Even so, I can't imagine NEVER eating anything sweet for the rest of my life- but I have a way that I can safely indulge in small amnts without it causing too much of a problem and that's to sandwich the sweet thing in between VERY high fiber foods and drink lots of fluids too. Honestly, if I cut back on sugar in general,  fruit will taste sweet enough to me, but once in awhile I'd like to have a homemade Mug muffin and the ones I make  have a TB of maple syrup in them (plus a handful of blueberries, rolled oats, unsweetened applesauce and vanilla extract) 

I mean, that's the kind of sweet thing I'm talking about, not pie or cake or cookies. Candy has tasted disgusting to me for several years now, so I don't really have to worry about eating that, but a nice chewy choc chip cookie could tempt me, or a pc of pecan pie- although I generally just eat the pecans off the top and leave the rest LOL and cake mostly tastes gross to me now, except carrot cake with pineapple in it, that's still pretty tasty LOL  who knows, maybe at some point, these things will taste disgusting to me as well.

so it's a process, you know? but I eat a TON of veggies and beans and stuff. And I feel SO much better when I stick to this way of eating.

I have no desire for processed foods, but if I'm hungry and that's all that is available, I have eaten them- and always regret later that day or the next.

So I have been planning ahead and try to bring something that I can eat with me anytime I'm going to be away from the house for awhile so I don't get into a situation where I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat but  junk.

 

I am tracking my food intake on cronometer and discovered that keeping both my salt intake and my fat intake VERY low, helps with my varicose veins! In fact, the pain from my varicose vanicose veins goes away completely if my diet is low in fat, but I can actually tolerate a slightly higher intake of sodium (maybe because I drink a LOT of water, I don't know) This makes sense because too much fat in your diet makes your blood thick and sludgy. So of course it would be harder to pump it up out of your lower legs. I am going to  a free edema class and it's been great- turns out there is  a LOT you can do if you inherited bad veins as I did. My mom and her sisters both had awful veins, one had them "stripped". 

 

 

I am working on moving more- I tend to get very sedentary in the summer months because I hate the heat, I hate sweating.

We've been in a heat wave the past few days but I'm forcing myself to do my usual routine, which involves going for at least 2 walks of 20 mins each. It really hasn't felt all that bad, and I'm proud of myself for doing it.
Still going to the garden, not much to do there now except water, pull a few weeds, and HARVEST the wonderful squashes and HUGE heirloom tomatoes!

 

so overall, I Guess you could say I got serious about self care and it's paying off big time. 

 

I did get myself in a bit of a tizzy, though,  when I kept reading about how bad the housing crisis is, there's almost no apts available and the very few there are have rents that are like 3 times my monthly income or more. It's really scary. I don't want to move at this time, (well, I do want to be away from the landlord but he's been keeping to himself so for now it's ok) I have a decent enough place and I can afford it. But I worry that I will have to move (like, if the landlord dies- he's not old but he's been in a couple of car accidents, and he's got a brain injury- so you just never know. Or he could sell the building, not likely but it could happen) So I basically got myself all worn out, thinking about possibly ending up homeless...

and I felt just like it was happening to me NOW. I have been homeless in the past, not for long periods but several times, and 3 of those times with an infant or very young child. It was HORRIBLE. I never want to go thru that again.

 

BUT it finally occurred to me that #1 stressing myself out about a POSSIBILITY in the FUTURE was just DUMB lol and #2 a better use of my time and energy would be to apply to all of the low income and elderly housing places that I can find.

I've had my name on the waiting list for a couple of places but I had not applied to all of them because I didn't like the apts that the other places have- they are very tiny, or the bldg is super old and not kept up very well. HOWEVER with the current housing crisis, there may come a day when I can not afford to be so picky and a tiny dingy place will seem like HEAVEN compared to living on the street. Esp in the winter in New England- gawd that would suck.

 

So I'm doing that and I'm also trying to get involved with groups that are advocating for more affordable  housing and for more rights for the um, disadvantaged, which is the group that I fall into, sadly. I am finding out more about what my rights are regarding my disability too. Esp as regarding housing, working and the management of resources.There was a lot I didn't know because I have always felt ashamed to be labelled mentally ill, I would never ask any questions. In fact I don't believe that I *am* mentally ill, but I do def have pretty severe PTSD (if that's an "illness" then ok, I guess *shrug*) and I have had a good chunk of my adult life decimated by the overmedicating with multiple and very large doses of drugs for  the ever growing list of mental illnesses I was supposed to be suffering from (when the drugs were most of the problem, not all, but most, I think)

 

so yeh, I'm moving forward. 
I did take a few steps back though, def went thru a bit of a VERY mild but uncomfortable wave.. 

and found myself, once again, at a higher level of healing.

 

and as I've said many times in the past, this always surprises me- that I can heal any more.

Maybe I am using the wrong term, maybe it is NOT healing but instead personal growth.

Maybe I need to stop looking thru the lens of WD recovery and think of myself as just living and growing... I don't know.

 

 

 I still have sensitivity to meds, I think that may last the rest of my life. For example I was given a very low dose of flexeril for muscle spasms. I took 4 doses on 3 separate days (It was prescribed for 3 times a day)

and I was fine with that.

and then I decided not to take any more, even though the muscle spasms were not totally gone, they were tolerable and I don't like to take any drugs if I can help it.

 

at least 10 days passed without me taking any of the flexerill and then, I had a bad day with my neck being so stiff and the muscles so tight I could barely stand it, so I took one tiny dose- and I was WIDE AWAKE all that night! no sleep at all and NO relief from the muscle spasms, a  sure sign, I think, that I had a paradoxical effect from the flexerill (which would normally make someone drowsy)
I didn't stress out about it, in fact I enjoyed catching up on some reading that night.

 

I think I am going to  need to see the spine specialists to see if the problem with my neck is due to my cervical spinal stenosis. I'll call my PCP and see if I can get a referral. Or maybe I don't need one, I don't know.

 

well that's my news. I haven't had much stress the past few weeks so we'll see how things are if life gets hairy again LOL

but I am working on ways to deal with my PTSD symptoms

Yoga helps give me some tools to fall back on.

Keeping my diet clean will help me avoid emotional roller coaster rides

 

I do need to work on ACCEPTANCE- that's not just something you do for WD recovery, it turns out,

it's something I need to learn to cope with LIFE in general

 

I find myself trying to fight "what is" when it's not going the way I picture it would go, or the way I want it to go

and I lose out on a lot.

I hate not being prepared but there is so much in life that can not be predicted I need to find a way to roll with the punches

 

I like what it says in the link I put in a previous post about how  The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty; it’s presence.

 

 

that is what I want to work on, being more present.

I used to do that much more easily when I was younger, I am trying to reconnect with that younger me, who lived in the moment and saw even the rough times as adventures and challenges

 

I took a google maps "walk down memory lane" by finding the actual streets and even some of the buildings I lived in when I was 18 and out on my own for the first time. Those were truly "the best of times and the worst of times" BUT I don't recall ever feeling discouraged or hopeless, instead I mostly felt challenged. I didn't expect the bad times to last, I don't know at what point in my life that I started to think that every rough time might not ever end, but I did stop having faith that things could be good again....

It makes me wonder if we know things when we are young that we unlearn as an adult and trying to re connect with that young curious person we used to be, is something worth spending time on,

you know?

 

so

that's where I'm at these days!
 

I hope everyone is doing well. 

I will share the link to that article on uncertainty again here, it has a lot of relevance for WD recovery but also for just life in general:

 

https://ideas.ted.com/7-strategies-to-help-you-live-with-uncertainty/

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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🌞

2021:  started celexa 10mg feb 2nd 

feb 25th took my last 10g

feb 26th took 5mg

feb 27th took 5mg 

feb 28th 2021 cold turkey 

currently taking mag

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On 8/5/2022 at 2:48 PM, Happy2Heal said:

It makes me wonder if we know things when we are young that we unlearn as an adult and trying to re connect with that young curious person we used to be, is something worth spending time on,

you know?

 

I don't think that this is the case.  When we are young we have very little life experience to compare things to.  We have hopes and dreams and we are naive.  When we are older we still have hopes and dreams but we have lost our naivete and are more realistic.

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

 

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:    (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq      on 13th November 2021

Woohoo!!!  Finally off Pristiq    Post 0 updates start here

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

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PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.  Please DO NOT TAG me - thank you.

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6 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

I don't think that this is the case.  When we are young we have very little life experience to compare things to.  We have hopes and dreams and we are naive.  When we are older we still have hopes and dreams but we have lost our naivete and are more realistic.

 

yes but is it really any more "realistic"? 

I used to not worry about bad times because I knew when I was younger that they wouldn't last.... or maybe I was so focused on the challenge presented by them that I didn't think about the bad time ending....

now, when I should know better, that things do get better, I am wasting time thinking about the future, trying to fend off so called bad things, trying to never have to deal with any challenges....

instead of being open to them.

 

because I should also know that they will come- the challenges, or bad times, whatever way I want to see them-

and seeing them as challenges, as I used to when I was younger, is a much better mind set than the one I have now, which is to dread anything that I don't like coming my way

 

things I don't like will always come my way-

it's how I see them that will make a difference.

 

my life experience should also have shown me that no matter how 'hairy' things get, I always find a way to get thru them

 

*and* I often look back and am grateful, or at least see some silver lining, to that difficult time. Something that was better because of the difficulty that came my way

 

that's all I meant.

I really think sometimes that I am better of UNlearing what I think I have "learned"

I think that being more open and accepting, the way I used to be, is a better way to live.

 

I have found myself being stuck in a certain mindset, so sure that I am "right"- because I dislike uncertainty I would rather see things one way and later discover I was wrong, then to admit that I DON'T Know.

I guess that I figure with age comes some level of "knowing" about things but it does not

what Age should probably come with, is a greater understanding of all that I Do Not know and all that is UNKNOWABLE

 

and that is where WONDER comes in.

I want to reclaim my wonder and curiosity

 

that's all I was trying to say, in my bumbling way LOL

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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@Happy2Heal

Just a quick note to say thank you for your update and posts!

I'm loving your words and thoughts, it's such a pleasure to read you.

I'm full of admiration and respect for your hard work and wisdom.

You are so brave and smart and strong.

I have complete confidence in you. 

It's inspiring to follow along on your journey.

Thank you so much for sharing <3

I hold you in my heart and send hugs and healing vibes <3

A. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 9pm 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin, approx. 10:30pm

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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