Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[gentlehermione]

On 11/16/2018 at 10:59 PM, Happy2Heal said:

 

I find I am still sensitive to things I read or even hear, and if it's all about the problem without any suggestions for making things better, than it's something I probably should put aside for now.

I have moments, even days, when I feel a little fragile and want to avoid anything with a negative tone, you know? (like the news!!)

 

the book isn't organized in such a way that skipping ahead might reveal suggestions/solutions and I"m afraid I'm going to get to the end of it feeling depressed and possibly hopeless about the problems of society. 😕

 

 

@Happy2Heal

I found the book to be quite upbeat in the sense that Hari was able to track down so many people worldwide who are researching and trying to find solutions to these "disconnections". That alone is quite hopeful.

 

I also have a hard time with negatives (don't watch the news!) but was absolutely fine with the book. 

[WarriorWomanLV]

 

On 11/18/2018 at 1:38 PM, Happy2Heal said:

 

I'll tell you what I did, but please keep in mind that we are all different. You could do the exact same thing and have very different results. There's no way to know.

I tapered off the 0.3 using a 10% reduction every 4 weeks, give or take. I think there were times when I may have gone a wee bit faster or slower, but I don't have those records anymore. 

I'm guessing I must have gone a bit faster than recommended, since I was off in 12 mos. and I think the chart I used to use had me getting off completely in ~15 mos and not 12. 

I took my last tiny dose, literally just a drop, in late Oct 2017

 

my path has been fairly linear, although you will see it mentioned over and over here  on the forum that healing is not linear. I just gotta be different, I guess LOL

as time went on,  all of my symptoms slowly lessened in intensity, duration and frequency.

 

but they were quite severe in Oct 2016, so I'd have to say the entire year I was tapering was really awful. 
I might have saved myself some of that distress *if* I'd not messed up and gone off CT at 2.5mgs or if I'd reinstated at a slightly higher dose, or.......... I don't know what. It doesn't matter, I did what I did, and I got thru it.

but it was rough.

The year from my last dose was much better, I felt like I'd healed completely but I see now that there was more healing to be done. I'd have symptoms so mild I wasn't even aware of them, until they were GONE and then I could see/feel the difference

 

so even now that I say I"m 99% healed, I can't say for sure that's true, because I could still have such mild symptoms that I don't notice them.

but I feel pretty close to normal, whatever that is, hahaha

 

 

Hi Happy! Thank you so so much for your support!! I actually read your into from Oct 2016 to a few months after your last drop! I can relate very much because I foolishly jumped off at 1.25mg, crashed and reinstated to .30mg.  Similarly, my recovery has been somewhat linear.... I still experience waves but they're milder than last. The hard part is that even though the symptoms are milder than last, they're still awful and debilitating. I did read on your intro that your initial taper from .30mg to .27mg (10% cut) was also too much so you actually went back up and tapered down to .29mg.  I think i'll do something similar and use brassmonkey's slide taper. I'm glad you had written in your intro...  through your journal on here, I can use them to make wise decisions!  Wishing you an even better recovery and health!!

[Hibari]

Hi Happ2Heal

 

I am facing the reinstatement issue myself after jumping off my med at 5.4mgs.  I was having an adverse reaction to it, which has as bad as my current 18 day withdrawal from Lamictal.  

 

When you reinstated and before you began tapering again, did you experience relief from the withdrawal symptoms?

 

 I dont care how long I have to stay on a low dose as long as I can function.  Then when the time is right, I can move down again.  

 

I am scared to reinstate but also scared to stay in this acute withdrawal state.  

 

Thank you.  

[Leo1983]

Im no mod and im certainly not having the time of my life in this WD but i say if you can manage it 

 

JUST RIDE IT OUT.

 

Unless its too much. You want away from the drug not on it. 

 

Im no doctor just the way i see it. 

[Hibari]

It's too much.  

[Leo1983]

Thats cool. All the best.

[Hibari]

2 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

Thats cool. All the best.

Thank you.  

[Happy2Heal]

18 hours ago, Hibari said:

Hi Happ2Heal

 

I am facing the reinstatement issue myself after jumping off my med at 5.4mgs.  I was having an adverse reaction to it, which has as bad as my current 18 day withdrawal from Lamictal.  

 

When you reinstated and before you began tapering again, did you experience relief from the withdrawal symptoms?

 

 I dont care how long I have to stay on a low dose as long as I can function.  Then when the time is right, I can move down again.  

 

I am scared to reinstate but also scared to stay in this acute withdrawal state.  

 

Thank you.  

 

 

hi Hibari

when did you jump off the med? and what drug was it?  my vision is fuzzy today so I'm having  a hard time reading your signature.

well, each drug is different and each person is different but I did have SOME relief from reinstatement. I did not, however, go back to a "functional" level. I got thru the days with symptoms that were still acute but more manageable.

I also waited too long, over 3 mos. Reinstatement works best if you do it sooner rather than later.

 

I'd say try a tiny tiny bit and see how it goes...? but don't wait too long, from all that I've read here, reinstatement works best if you don't wait too  long.

 

[Hibari]

19 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

hi Hibari

when did you jump off the med? and what drug was it?  my vision is fuzzy today so I'm having  a hard time reading your signature.

well, each drug is different and each person is different but I did have SOME relief from reinstatement. I did not, however, go back to a "functional" level. I got thru the days with symptoms that were still acute but more manageable.

I also waited too long, over 3 mos. Reinstatement works best if you do it sooner rather than later.

 

I'd say try a tiny tiny bit and see how it goes...? but don't wait too long, from all that I've read here, reinstatement works best if you don't wait too  long.

 

Hi H2H

 

I jumped off my med between 5.6-5.4mgs.  

 

I had to make the reinstatement last night afte 18 days off Lamictal.  I had tapered the med down from 200mgs over 3 years but also was tapering  a second medication, Remeron, along with it, which I completed tapering in April 2017.  

 

I was advised to reinstate 0.25, which is what I did. I was having every other day acute withdrawal symptoms and then not sleeping on top of it.  I was mentally exhausted and have not been able to really function. This is after 2 months of not functioning due to an adverse reaction to the medication in the fall.  That's why I jumped at the dose I did. 

 

 I have no idea if I will stay at this low dose or have to go up more.  But I am okay with it to stay out of that acute withdrawal state.  

 

Thank you for letting me know it helped and that you then tapered again.  Did you use liquid? Because you had a small dose as well. 

 

 Hibari. 

 

[Happy2Heal]

hi 

how is the reinstatement going?

 

yes I used liquid lexapro

 

for the lamictal, which I took to help with the sleep issues from WD from lexapro, I used tablets that I dissolved in water. They were the pediatric dose,  2 mgs I think?? I don't recall my exact dosage but it was small. I didn't have as hard a time with lamictal (and had gone off of 300 mgs cold turkey years ago without any WD symptoms at all that I was aware of, at least)

this highlights how we are all so different in some ways, but similar in others, I think

 

 

 

[Hibari]

12 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

hi 

how is the reinstatement going?

 

yes I used liquid lexapro

 

for the lamictal, which I took to help with the sleep issues from WD from lexapro, I used tablets that I dissolved in water. They were the pediatric dose,  2 mgs I think?? I don't recall my exact dosage but it was small. I didn't have as hard a time with lamictal (and had gone off of 300 mgs cold turkey years ago without any WD symptoms at all that I was aware of, at least)

this highlights how we are all so different in some ways, but similar in others, I think

 

 

 

I feel okay today because I slept.  I have a headache and nausea but I have always has that with Lamictal.  I also had to take something to sleep last night after being in unrelenting akathisia for 24 hours.  I did not want to take anything unnatural but after trying tea, magnesium, Calms Forte and even Rescue Remedy, I had to take something, which was Kavinace.  It's not recommended on SA to take because it can create dependency but it was either that or a Valium. So that probably is in my system as well.  

 

So tonight I will be continuing the reinstatement with a compounding liquiid I have. I will keep magnesium in my system all day so that I can sleep.

 

I don't want to hijack your success thread and if you want to post on your regular thread I will.   

[Happy2Heal]

6 minutes ago, Hibari said:

I feel okay today because I slept.  I have a headache and nausea but I have always has that with Lamictal.  I also had to take something to sleep last night after being in unrelenting akathisia for 24 hours.  I did not want to take anything unnatural but after trying tea, magnesium, Calms Forte and even Rescue Remedy, I had to take something, which was Kavinace.  It's not recommended on SA to take because it can create dependency but it was either that or a Valium. So that probably is in my system as well.  

 

So tonight I will be continuing the reinstatement with a compounding liquiid I have. I will keep magnesium in my system all day so that I can sleep.

 

I don't want to hijack your success thread and if you want to post on your regular thread I will.   

my regular thread was locked, 

it's no problem posting here!! 
It's helpful to others to see these conversations, I'm sure

 

sorry you're going thru such a rough time. akathisia, that's the worst   

 

I've never heard of kavinace, will have to google that

 

I hope things settle down quickly for you

 

try hard to keep things as simple and as steady as you can. You've been thru a lot of meds so your system is probably very sensitized and things that once had one effect, now may have the opposite, sadly

 

that is what I found out when I tried something that had always worked for me in the past (zyprexa) it was ok the first dose or two but then it went paradoxical on me. I recovered quickly from that experiment fortunately.

 

 

[Hibari]

6 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

my regular thread was locked, 

it's no problem posting here!! 
It's helpful to others to see these conversations, I'm sure

 

sorry you're going thru such a rough time. akathisia, that's the worst   

 

I've never heard of kavinace, will have to google that

 

I hope things settle down quickly for you

 

try hard to keep things as simple and as steady as you can. You've been thru a lot of meds so your system is probably very sensitized and things that once had one effect, now may have the opposite, sadly

 

that is what I found out when I tried something that had always worked for me in the past (zyprexa) it was ok the first dose or two but then it went paradoxical on me. I recovered quickly from that experiment fortunately.

 

 

It's so true.  I have tried several things over the past month that worked well the first time like Gaba and CBD oil.  Now they seem to be paradoxical. Same with L-Theanine, which helped me so much during my Remeron taper but now no.  

 

Yes, I want to keep things simple and even though I expect my body to just heal smoothly, it's not happening that way.  

 

I guess what's so hard is that on top of my physical stress, I have lost my professional identity because I havent been able to work much and go out.  My familiar landmarks are gone.  Been home quite a bit.  

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, Hibari said:

guess what's so hard is that on top of my physical stress, I have lost my professional identity because I havent been able to work much and go out.  My familiar landmarks are gone.  Been home quite a bit.

 

yes I know what you mean. I lost the ability to do a lot of the things I did on a regular basis, even though it wasn't work, it was similar- losing the familiar landmarks, the way I structured my days and all that.

it's disorienting, isn't it?

 

it does get better though. I hope it gets better super fast for you!!

 

[Hibari]

I'm glad it gets better.  That is encouraging.  

[Happy2Heal]

2 minutes ago, Hibari said:

I'm glad it gets better.  That is encouraging.  

 

 

oh yes, there's a light at the end of this long dark tunnel for sure!!

you will get there, you're getting closer every day

 

is lamictal the last drug you have to get off?

[Hibari]

14 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

oh yes, there's a light at the end of this long dark tunnel for sure!!

you will get there, you're getting closer every day

 

is lamictal the last drug you have to get off?

Yes, but I am quite sick again today and feel far from my goal. 

 

 

[jozeff]

Hi H2h, 

 

You did a great job! You are 1 year of drugs is that correct?

 

Well done. So you tapered from 0.3 to zero in one year. I'm glad you did it slow.

 

99% healed! Wow, so good to hear you feel this good. I'm

 

You have been such a wonderful helping person.

 

I wish you all the best from the Netherlands!!

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

[Happy2Heal]

21 hours ago, Hibari said:

Yes, but I am quite sick again today and feel far from my goal. 

 

 

sorry to hear it

 

are you feeling any better today?

 

{{gentle hugs}}

[Happy2Heal]

On 11/20/2018 at 4:50 PM, WarriorWomanLV said:

 

Hi Happy! Thank you so so much for your support!! I actually read your into from Oct 2016 to a few months after your last drop! I can relate very much because I foolishly jumped off at 1.25mg, crashed and reinstated to .30mg.  Similarly, my recovery has been somewhat linear.... I still experience waves but they're milder than last. The hard part is that even though the symptoms are milder than last, they're still awful and debilitating. I did read on your intro that your initial taper from .30mg to .27mg (10% cut) was also too much so you actually went back up and tapered down to .29mg.  I think i'll do something similar and use brassmonkey's slide taper. I'm glad you had written in your intro...  through your journal on here, I can use them to make wise decisions!  Wishing you an even better recovery and health!!

 

Hi WWLV,

I hope you are able to learn from my mistakes and not make the same ones!
I made many MANY errors while withdrawing, and feel very fortunate that I was able to heal regardless of those mistakes. But I think I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary suffering if I'd been more careful.

 

I hope you're going well! 

[Happy2Heal]

On 11/19/2018 at 10:25 AM, gentlehermione said:

 

@Happy2Heal

I found the book to be quite upbeat in the sense that Hari was able to track down so many people worldwide who are researching and trying to find solutions to these "disconnections". That alone is quite hopeful.

 

I also have a hard time with negatives (don't watch the news!) but was absolutely fine with the book. 

thanks gentlehermione

 

finished the book, there were things I liked and some things that left me scratching my head, for example, why does he report that studies that show that your life circumstances affect your mood are "surprising"???? that being poor and under stress can make you depressed and anxious? really, this has been  known forever and isn't the least bit surprising. the author admits he's well (enough) off,  but even those who are well off surely must have realized that living in poverty or under the stress of hardships, war, abuse, etc are going to affect your mood in a negative way. And yet he reported on "landmark studies" that showed that this was the case. I"m like, well duh!!  so I was pretty disappointed with that.

I also didn't like that he continues to see the ADs as having some benefit,   and kind of seems to be defending them... that rubbed me the wrong way.

 

but yes, there's some hopeful stuff in the book. 

I was hoping it would have more specific ideas for ways to connect that the average individual could use but meh. I expect too much sometimes LOL

 

 

[Hibari]

11 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

sorry to hear it

 

are you feeling any better today?

 

{{gentle hugs}}

Yes, better today. Thank God. 

[Happy2Heal]

3 minutes ago, Hibari said:

Yes, better today. Thank God. 

oh good, I'm glad!!

 

[Happy2Heal]

I'm calling this update "The one percent"

 

I have been very reluctant to write about this because I recall how, in early WD, when things were bad, I would scan the success stories looking for hope.
I remember being upset by  any thing that even hinted that life was not going to be super wonderful at the end of WD/recovery.

I was encouraged by the success stories, but any mention of things not always being great would upset and scare me sometimes.

later, I came back to read success stories when the symptoms dragged on, month after month, even though they were gradually lessening; I was tired of it all. so tired!

I read the success stories just to remind myself that, YES, this all does end some day.  And of course, there will be ups and downs after WD/recovery, that's LIFE.

I was starting to accept that. Life, I can handle that. This WD stuff, well- I was handling it, but just didn't want to have to any more.

 

so, I preface this update by saying that this tiny 1% of symptoms is nothing to be afraid of, for anyone reading this thread who is in the thick of bad symptoms and looking for hope.

it's unrealistic to think that anything in life is going to be 100% perfect.  

 

aslo remember, for those of you with acute symptoms, you ARE handling it. You ARE getting thru it.  You're doing great!

of course, you'll be able to handle the minor annoying crap that may linger for a short while after your taper is over. and you'll be better able to handle life's ups and downs too, after making it thru such a tough thing. All the skills you are learning will serve you well.

 

 

ok, with that all said!! On to the 1%

 

I got a little reckless with my routine. I went off my super healthy diet and was doing maybe 80% healthy and 20% crap (chips, cake, pizza, candy) I put on weight,  my blood pressure was starting to go up due to the increase in sodium in my diet, I'm guessing, and maybe the extra weight. I was drinking regular tea and the rare half cup of decaf coffee too.

I was having palpitations and maybe some short runs of Afib.

 

The fix for all that is simple: go back on my diet, cut out the salt and caffeine, lose the wt.

and I'm doing that, and it's working out ok. It's only been about a week? but I've already lost 3lbs and my blood pressure is back to normal.

 

the thing that's not resolved is this annoying 5 am cortisol spike.
I don't usually have the dread and dark thoughts and anxiety along with the spike,  like I did in early WD,  but sometimes I do.

 

I don't know if that is a PTSD thing, or a cognitive thing that I can work thru with CBT

I don't really know if it's normal for someone with  a history of trauma, even. Also this IS a period that coincides with several childhood traumas, one that lasted from Thanksgiving to sometime into January.  that may be a factor as well.

 

If anyone reading this has any ideas or suggestions, I'd love to hear from you.

 

 

 

I have tried tackling it as a problem with my reaction to the cortisol spike.

Typically, when it happens and I wake up with my heart pounding, my first thought is:

what time is it?
if it were, say, 7 am or later, I wouldn't mind, because that's when I'd like to be getting up

 

if it's earlier than that (and it's usually right around 5 am) my first thought is, oh crap, I don't want to be awake this early 

Already, that's a thought that makes the physical sensation into an emotional thing. I don't want this to happen, I'm unhappy about it.  This feels bad.

 

there usually isn't any anxiety UNLESS I've woken up with a bit of dread or dark thoughts, usually stemming from news I've heard the previous day (either on TV, radio or from other pp, things like someone I know passed away, or is sick or something bad, anything bad, it sticks with me, in spite of trying hard to not let it stick) Sometimes I'll be thinking of some unpleasant task I need to tackle that day. 

 

 

Ideally, I'd like to get rid of the cortisol spikes but I  don't know what is causing them.

 

that is what I think my 1% "not quite healed" is- the morning spike.

I didn't have it for awhile and it was great!

I had several periods of many days with waking up closer to the time I want to (7 am is ideal) and those were great!!!!!
The funny thing is, those days happened when I least expected.

I don't recall exactly what I might have done differently the day before, though, beyond possibly having a more carefree attitude. 

 

My solution for now is:

stick to the diet that makes me feel the best (whole foods plant based, low sugar, low salt, low fat)

work on CBT skills

Approach any morning spike with an attitude of acceptance and try to find some silver lining.

 

Definitely open to other ideas!!

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I also didn't like that he continues to see the ADs as having some benefit,   and kind of seems to be defending them... that rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I hear that! I feel like I now live in an alternate universe where this forum is the only place people realize that. 

 

I love your 1% post, every word of it. ❤️

 

the best answer to the cortisol spike is exactly what you are doing, I think. CBT has proved it's worth and is our friend. I am STILL reading my CBT book for insomnia because I can't seem to finish anything, but it's already helped a ton.

 

I am not ready to write my success story yet, but I have hopes that maybe next summer?  

 

gentle hugs to all of us! 

Edited November 27, 2018 by JackieDecides
add more

[Leo1983]

Oh no. These are one of the worst symptoms happy. 

 

Im waiting for this to go the most. 

 

Im flat.

 

Someone told be vit c before bed is good. 

[Hibari]

Sorry to hear about the 1% you are going through but also here your acceptance.  

 

I struggle with acceptance because it feels I am accepting wd forever. Which I know is not true.  

 

Today, even though things are re a bit better, I am struggling with depression. About this process and recent decisions inhad ro make.  

 

So two questions. 

Did you struggle with depression after you reinstated? 

 

Also, how did you do the tiny tapers from 0.30mgs?  I am no where near tapering yet but I reinstated at 0.25 using a syringe. Just curious. 

 

Be well.  You are really helpful to me and others.  

[FarmGirlWorks]

7 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

20% crap (chips, cake, pizza, candy)

Oh no... I am a potato-chip-aholic... great reminder to cut that crap out again. Sometimes it's all I want.

 

Sorry about the cortisol spikes. I don't have suggestions (I've only had those off and on) but sending good vibes.

[Happy2Heal]

9 hours ago, Hibari said:

 

 

So two questions. 

Did you struggle with depression after you reinstated? 

 

Also, how did you do the tiny tapers from 0.30mgs?  I am no where near tapering yet but I reinstated at 0.25 using a syringe. Just curious. 

 

Be well.  You are really helpful to me and others.  

 

Did I struggle with depression after I reinstated? no, not really.  I had all sorts of terrible symptoms but what I call  depression was not one of them.   I have brief periods of feeling a bit down, but no hopelessness or feelings of worthlessness or the other things I associate with depression. 

 

 

the tapers were done with a syringe, yes. 

I am still amazed at how strong lexapro is.

 

are you able to get out in the sun at all? I find if I'm feeling a bit down, I crave sun. We've had lousy weather but anytime the sun is out, I am out there soaking up as much as I can!!

 

I also take vit D3 in the fall and winter. I just recently increased my dose of that slightly... and I do feel better. however that could be the placebo effect since I have no idea how long it would normally take to see any effect. but I'm ok with placebo effect, it's pretty much all that you get from most psych drugs

 

 

oh for depression, another thing that can help, and believe me I know this sounds silly and too simple but it can help: try looking up (literally, lift your head up and look upward, like in the direction of the top of a one story building, not straight up.  

and smile, yes even a fake smile. 

there were numerous studies done that found that those two things can lift your mood

 

also eating more fruits and veggies. even if the rest of your diet is crap, eating more fruits and veggies can also bring  up your mood

 

I figure, anything like that, that has no bad side effects, is worth a try. Can't hurt, probably will help.

Not a miracle cure, but hey, every little bit helps!!!!!

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

22 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

I hear that! I feel like I now live in an alternate universe where this forum is the only place people realize that. 

 

I love your 1% post, every word of it. ❤️

 

the best answer to the cortisol spike is exactly what you are doing, I think. CBT has proved it's worth and is our friend. I am STILL reading my CBT book for insomnia because I can't seem to finish anything, but it's already helped a ton.

 

I am not ready to write my success story yet, but I have hopes that maybe next summer?  

 

gentle hugs to all of us! 

hi Jackie

I"m sorry I somehow missed your post! I'll respond later but just wanted to let you  know I've read it and appreciate the suggestion

 

what is the title of the book your reading?

 

 

[JackieDecides]

 

Quiet Your Mind and Get to Sleep: Solutions to Insomnia for Those with Depression, Anxiety or Chronic Pain 

 

LOL, sorry it's so huge and dark, I copy/pasted from amazon

[Happy2Heal]

thanks JackieD

 

I"ll look for that book

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

just checking in to say I'm doing ok.

trying to find balance

 

trying to remember to live one day at a time. I have some PTSD from the acute WD and sometimes a bad night will leave me reeling and frozen with fear that the acute symptoms could come back

 

I remind myself that that is not likely- but if they did, I have the strength to get thru it and I have more tools now too

 

in other news, my gerbils are getting more social with me, I need to get some photos to post on the pets thread ❤️

 

[Leo1983]

Hi. 

 

I really do hope your well happy. I hope you are managing/ coping. 

 

Remember people are here to chat... me included, i wont drone on about when will i heal - i promise ha.

 

I was thinking today if i write a success story ever lol. Then i go back to symptoms what will i do. I think that now and not recovered yet. 

 

Hope your having a nice day.

 

[Happy2Heal]

24 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Hi. 

 

I really do hope your well happy. I hope you are managing/ coping. 

 

Remember people are here to chat... me included, i wont drone on about when will i heal - i promise ha.

 

I was thinking today if i write a success story ever lol. Then i go back to symptoms what will i do. I think that now and not recovered yet. 

 

Hope your having a nice day.

 

hi Leo

thanks for stopping by!

You are definitely going to heal and write your success story

 

today is a slow day for me, trying to decide what to do. I can't decide so I come and plunk myself in front of the computer again

lol

 

what one good little thing has happened or what good little thing have you accomplished today?

me, so far, I cleaned the rat cage so the rats are happy!

I am doing their laundry now

 

not sure which big job I'll tackle next.

 

[Leo1983]

I have a virus which includes dizziness so add that to my currebt situation and i aint been far lol. 

 

I have had a relaxing day. My mother came to visit for a half hour and i walked the dogs. I have just ate some takeaway food which was ok however im fussy lol. 

 

Im watching xfactor and lost my bet who would win.