Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[Happy2Heal]

19 hours ago, Miracle123 said:

Hi H2H,

im glad to hear from your good and positive updated. Even though im almost same time as yours.....but mine recovery a bit slowly and understand individual is different.

Hope i will be same as you one day.

Wishing your healing continue to hit 100% and well. Thanks.

 

hi Miracle123 so good to hear from you

 

you will get these, I am sure you will! we can celebrate when the time comes!

I still have some mild waves, but wow, it's so much better...

I remember feeling like it would never end... but it did! 

 

it's coming for you too!!!  good days, no symptoms, or only very occasional mild ones.  

 

we are so strong now. we probably always were, but just didn't know it.

❤️

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

6 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

when I was drugged, I had no concept of passing time. I was stuck, I didn't feel much of anything so there was no reason to grow or to even deal with reality.... reality was "out there" and I was somehow protected from it by this fog in my head.

 

YES, I feel like those years were stolen from us.  I was too depressed to imagine a future so I didn't plan for one and now I am deep in a hole. 

 

7 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

ages ago I worked in a nursing home and what I saw was quite disturbing

 

and it's only gotten worse. 

[Miracle123]

Thanks H2H for those encouraged words to give me hope. Very much appreacited it.

6 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

we are so strong now. we probably always were, but just didn't know it.

im agreed.....we all here really super strong enough to get through this difficuties. Im proud of you and you deserve it. Take care and big big hugs from me.🤗

[Happy2Heal]

just some musings, I'm taking some time to look back on how I got where I am now....

I am trying to remember what was going on in my life when I was first put on the SSRis, which, to me, seem to have been the most troublesome of all the drugs I was given.

 

I think it was when my father died. Naturally I was grieving, and maybe even a bit depressed, but isn't that part of grief?

in any case, what I now recall is that right from the start, the SSRI's caused muscle tension, esp in my jaw, neck and shoulders, and insomnia.

I started taking different sleep medications. like ambien

 

I started on zoloft, then was switched to celexa, and finally lexapro.

 

the lexapro caused even more sleep issues plus a lot of anxiety, and that's when I was given klonopin. I didn't take it on a regular basis for very long, and the anxiety seemed to fade into a dull type of chronic state of unease. 

in fact, all of my feelings became dull and distant.

 

but there was a period, after having tried to go off the lexapro several times, when I went from having the mild uneasiness to sleeping a LOT. I would sleep for a min of 12 hrs at night and then wake up, have coffee or whatever, but if I sat down for a little bit, I'd fall asleep!

it was so odd. I could end up sleeping 18 to 20 hrs in a day sometimes. but the average was probably 12 hrs.

 

the reason I am thinking about this now, is that the WD/recovery caused the opposite problem, severe insomnia.

My sleep issues have dramatically improved but are still not where I'd like them to be.

I still wake up more often than I'd like but I can usually string together enough hours to feel rested. and I'm never awake for long.

Today, I stayed in bed til after 9am! I was so surprised when I got up! I woke up about 4, perhaps 5 times during the night. Got up to run to the bathroom two of those times. 

I seem to have fallen back to sleep pretty quickly.

 

I'm wondering if I might actually get to the point where I'd need to use a alarm clock! 

 

a year ago, heck, even 6 mos ago, the idea of needing an alarm clock would have been laughable, as I was always wide awake by 5 am and while I could sometimes rest in bed longer, I rarely went back to sleep after that.

 

it's amazing that healing is still going on, and it makes me wonder where I'll end up. 

I did change my signature to be a more accurate reflection, I think, of where I'm at now- it had said "feel 99% healed" but I changed it to 95% because I have already seen more healing.....

 

 

[mdwstrx]

Interesting musings.  Wonderful that you feel so good and can sleep til 9!   🌞

 

I especially relate to the part about Lexapro and the anxiety.  For the past 10 weeks and ongoing, I wake most mornings with debilitating anxiety which also then fades to into a dull type of chronic state of unease for the rest of the day.    Don't know what to do but ride it out.  Alto told me to reduce by .5 mg.  Today is day 1.  🙏

 

I hope you don't mind a few questions since you so kindly replied to my last ones.

• How long did it take you to re-stabilize?  
• How should I expect to feel upon stabilizing?  I pray this anxiety goes away and I feel more like my old self.

 

Sorry if you've posted this somewhere but I'm avoiding reading too many threads because it takes very little to trigger the anxiety to very uncomfortable levels.  Thanks and I'm so glad you're seeing more healing.

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

21 minutes ago, mdwstrx said:

Interesting musings.  Wonderful that you feel so good and can sleep til 9!   🌞

 

I especially relate to the part about Lexapro and the anxiety.  For the past 10 weeks, I wake most mornings with debilitating anxiety which also then fades to into a dull type of chronic state of unease for the rest of the day.    Don't know what to do but ride it out.  Alto told me to reduce by .5 mg.  Today is day 1.  🙏

oh I see by your signature that you got terrible advice from your doctor, telling you to stop at 2.5mgs?

it's good that your reinstated quickly.

but then you updosed twice, that may not have been very helpful

 

Drs just don't understand how strong this drug is! you need to go even slower when you get to the lower doses!!

you'll get there, though.

From all that I've read on this forum, it goes much better for you, meaning fewer and less intense symptoms, the slower and steadier you keep your dose.

 

but even those of us who went off cold turkey or rapid tapered, eventually healed. it's *not* recommended because the symptoms can be so awful. but we all heal in time.

you will too!

 

yeh it's awesome not having that morning dread and stuff. and being able to sleep in, what a treat!!

 

 

[JackieDecides]

56 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I did change my signature to be a more accurate reflection, I think, of where I'm at now- it had said "feel 99% healed" but I changed it to 95% because I have already seen more healing.....

 

this confused me for a minute - shouldn't the number going down be a bad thing? - but I think I get it after some thought. you feel you have more capacity for healing now, and you can go further, am I right?

[mdwstrx]

Thanks Happy!  So glad to hear you don't have the morning dread.  Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I edited my post above and don't think you saw the rest of it.   So at the risk of repeating, I pasted below.  Thx!

 

I hope you don't mind a few questions since you so kindly replied to my last ones.   I crashed in November.  It's been 10 weeks and wondering how much longer this will go on. 

• How long did it take you to re-stabilize?  
• How should I expect to feel upon stabilizing?  I pray this anxiety goes away and I feel more like my old self.

Sorry if you've posted this somewhere but I'm avoiding reading too many threads because it takes very little to trigger the anxiety to very uncomfortable levels.  Thanks and I'm so glad you're seeing more healing.

[Happy2Heal]

24 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

this confused me for a minute - shouldn't the number going down be a bad thing? - but I think I get it after some thought. you feel you have more capacity for healing now, and you can go further, am I right?

 

 

hi

in November, I posted that I felt like I was 99% healed.

Now that I realized I've healed even more since then, I figure that I was actually maybe only 95% healed.....

 

so yes I understand what you mean, I am probably more healed now, BUT I honestly don't know how much more could improve...

so to be fair to those who are still going thru the taper or who are in their year after getting to zero, I wanted to reflect more accurately how healed I was at a year off the drug.

does that make sense?

 

I know what I mean inside my head, but some days I just can't explain it lol

 

I'm gonna blame WD but I think I've always had a hard time expressing myself

 

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, mdwstrx said:

Thanks Happy!  So glad to hear you don't have the morning dread.  Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I edited my post above and don't think you saw the rest of it.   So at the risk of repeating, I pasted below.  Thx!

 

I hope you don't mind a few questions since you so kindly replied to my last ones.   I crashed in November.  It's been 10 weeks and wondering how much longer this will go on. 

• How long did it take you to re-stabilize?  
• How should I expect to feel upon stabilizing?  I pray this anxiety goes away and I feel more like my old self.

Sorry if you've posted this somewhere but I'm avoiding reading too many threads because it takes very little to trigger the anxiety to very uncomfortable levels.  Thanks and I'm so glad you're seeing more healing.

 

 

hi again

this is a hard question to answer. You see, I  had several "crashes" but I guess the one that might be closest to your situation would be when I got down to 2.5mgs and decided to hold.

I'd say it took about a month to feel like I was going to be able to cope ok and maybe another month to where I was pretty stable.  I think I had some bad night sweats but I also got the flu and then pneumonia, so the sweating may have been from that, I don't know.

 

in any case, we are all very different so you may stabilize sooner. You already did a much slower taper to get where you are now, so you may start to feel a lot better even sooner than I did. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mdwstrx]

Thank you for trying to answer.  I know we're all so different.  I did read through your recent posts and I am praying (for you and all on this site) for a full recovery and peace. 💕

[Happy2Heal]

just a little update....

it's been a rocky week or so for me, but it's all life related, not WD related.

I  knew that getting off the ADs meant that I would need that I'd get all my feelings back, that I would no longer be numb and so this has been a time of dealing with feelings that are not so pleasant.

but some good ones too.

I have the pleasure and the privilege of caring for foster rats and recently have taken in elderly rats who are in their final days. They require a lot of care and I'm happy to provide that for them and to do whatever is needed to make them comfortable, but it also means that I'll be the one saying goodbye to them.

I had to take one boy in for his last vet visit on Friday, and that was hard.

I didn't sleep much for a few days, while he was declining, as I wrestled with the decision about how much more to do for him, trying to determine his quality of life and all that.

it was rough.

 

Now I've got a single elderly foster rat, and rats do not do well alone, they need other rats for company. They're not like cats or dogs; while they enjoy interacting with humans, it's just not the same for them. They groom each other, keep each other warm, and just provide comfort that humans can't.

 

So, soon I will be getting two elderly female rats to live with this neutered boy. That will be great for the boy I've got, but that puts me in the position of saying goodbye to 3 more rats in a relatively short period of time.

I just lost my own rats about 3 weeks ago and was going to take a 3 month break from rats, but I missed having them so much, I agreed to do this for the rescue.

Now I'm wondering if that was a mistake, lol.

It's just been a bit harder than I'd anticipated.

 

I'm just going to take it one day at a time, though...which is the only way you can take life, right?

 

anyway if I sound a bit down, this is why. I'll be fine, of course, but when you're sad, you're sad and there's no point in denying it.

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

it's been a rocky week or so for me, but it's all life related, not WD related.

I  knew that getting off the ADs meant that I would need that I'd get all my feelings back, that I would no longer be numb

 

this is basically what it is all about - dealing with our actual feelings, not the 2 demential ones we had while on AD, and then dealing with LIFE. I mean, sounds obvious, but once you can see pass all the pain and suffering of WD, this is what we come to. 

I'm so pleased you are out there in front of me, reporting back! 

 

when I sent the PM earlier I hadn't realized you had your own rats which you lost and are now working with a rescue. 

I guess I knew rats are smart and social, but I can tell I have a lot more to learn. 

 

I am so glad you are able to do the important work of caring for the elderly rats at the end of their lives. ❤️😍

[mdwstrx]

Hi Happy.  I empathize with  you caring for the sick and elderly rats.  We tie our emotions into what we care for, be it rats, dogs or people.  It speaks very well of you that you have the compassion to give of yourself that way.  It's definitely emotional giving and I hope you can turn over some of those emotions to our creator and let Him comfort you.  Ultimately, we love because He first loved us and continues to do so if we accept it.  Hoping you find His peace caring for His creatures. 💕

[Happy2Heal]

23 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

when I sent the PM earlier I hadn't realized you had your own rats which you lost and are now working with a rescue. 

actually for the past 10 years, I've been doing both. I've adopted my own rats and I've fostered at the same time, but I'll just be fostering from now on, I think.

I'm getting two elderly lady rats today, to keep my lone foster boy Dave company.

I can't wait for them to arrive! Dave is looking pretty depressed all by himself.

 

they should be here soon, gotta go get the cage set up for them

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

this woman has teamed up with Dr Peter Breggin

and this is one of the best videos I've ever watched, it's long but it's really worth it

 

https://youtu.be/icWucQie0yM

 

 

among many other things, she talks about how useless psych drugs are, how hard it is to get off them, the chemical imbalance nonsense and more.

she talks about taking control of your life and your health, and gives you advice on how to do it.

 

it's one of the most encouraging videos I've ever watched, and one of the most helpful too.

I watch it every couple of months as a reminder of how strong and resilient human bodies are;

 it also reinforces my decision to un-patient myself and take charge of my own health and to not rely on so called "experts" to make decisions about my body and my life.

 

edited to add Dr Pam Popper has a PhD not an MD

[JackieDecides]

it sounds good, I will watch this weekend, thanks for sharing.

[Happy2Heal]

I got my new foster ladies, omgoodness they are so sweet!
I have to figure out how to attach photos here

 

more about them later, but the good news is, Dave is not lonely any more, the girls adore him

❤️

 

[shawny]

@Happy2Heal can u please message me 😢😢😢

[JackieDecides]

I look forward to photos & I'm so happy for Dave. 😍

[India]

On 11/3/2018 at 12:32 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

Amen. Your story touches my heart. Such strength

[JackieDecides]

On 1/30/2019 at 4:01 PM, Happy2Heal said:

this woman has teamed up with Dr Peter Breggin

and this is one of the best videos I've ever watched, it's long but it's really worth it

 

https://youtu.be/icWucQie0yM

 

 

among many other things, she talks about how useless psych drugs are, how hard it is to get off them, the chemical imbalance nonsense and more.

she talks about taking control of your life and your health, and gives you advice on how to do it.

 

it's one of the most encouraging videos I've ever watched, and one of the most helpful too.

I watch it every couple of months as a reminder of how strong and resilient human bodies are;

 it also reinforces my decision to un-patient myself and take charge of my own health and to not rely on so called "experts" to make decisions about my body and my life.

 

edited to add Dr Pam Popper has a PhD not an MD

 

 

it was long but worth it. she doesn't start talking about AD specifically until about 54 minutes in, FYI.

 

(not sure why I couldn't find this post when I first looked for it, duh, it's right here)

[Happy2Heal]

I've been very reluctant to post this....things are still pretty good, and by that I mean, there's very few WD/recovery symptoms, but

I think I may be a little bit depressed.

I'm not even sure what "depressed" means, but I've had some losses lately and I've got some added stress (most of it is "good" stress, and by that I mean, I'm trying new things, gonna check out a new volunteer job and stuff like that, so it's not stress that was thrust on me from some bad thing happening, you know? but it's still stressful)

 

after having my feelings numbed for so long, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but I don't like it. I wake up in the morning and don't want to get up, I have trouble deciding what to do, I have no appetite. I don't seem to enjoy the things I usually enjoy....

is that depression? does anyone really know what "depression" is?

I saw a couple of commercials recently for antidepressants that normally would have made me very angry.... It's laughable the things they are calling symptoms of depression, just so they can sell ppl these drugs.

 

anyway, for those of you who follow my thread, please do not be discouraged by this. Like ALL feelings, I know this will pass.

it sucks for right now, but well, sometimes things just suck.

 

I have to decide if I want to continue to foster elderly rats. That's been my losses, I care for very old and sometimes very sick rats, and have often had to make the final decision for them. Add to that some friends who have serious illness and just some other stuff, and it's understandable that I wouldn't be feeling so great.

 

I'm sorry I've not been keeping up with messages or emails or phone calls, I just don't like to talk much when I feel like this, I don't want to bring anyone else down

 

I am sure I'll be back to my usual cheerful self soon, don't worry.

 

I'm shocked to admit this, but I actually considered going back on an antidepressant.

I probably won't, but it's surprising to me that I would even consider it, after all I've been thru. I guess it's that lure of a potential "quick fix"- or maybe the idea of having my feelings numbed when I'm not feeling so great- THAT"S probably what is appealing to me.

 

I'll be ok. Probably real soon. I will of course update you as I always do

 

 

[shawny]

@Happy2Heal : u are inspiration to many o us here , I learn many things from u .

b it acceptance , coping and even issues with anxiety ! 

 

Pls don’t feel disheartened we all will get there one day  it’s frustrating and slow but we will get there 

 

will keep u in my prayers 

[JackieDecides]

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

after having my feelings numbed for so long, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but I don't like it.

 

sounds like depression. 

I also can't tell what I am feeling sometimes - when it's unpleasant feelings, anyway - and even on AD I noticed I often (usually?) didn't realized when I was depressed until it lifted. that, I could feel as a sense of relief:  "ahhhh, that feels better, I was really depressed before what a relief it's going away"

 

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I'm shocked to admit this, but I actually considered going back on an antidepressant.

 

 

the quick fix, indeed. you know it will make you feel different, anyway, and when you feel bad any change would be a relief.

 

it's a powerful fantasy! after all, they couldn't call them "anti depressants" if they didn't get rid of depression, could they?! 

 

12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I am sure I'll be back to my usual cheerful self soon, don't worry.

 

I'm slowly reading Claire Weekes for my anxiety and I think she would tell you not to try and rush through this. I think we are supposed to A,A, and F for this, too rather than apologizing for not being upbeat and attempting to rush forward towards that. 

 

like that would be easy! 😕  but honestly you need to willing to BE depressed if that's what reality is. please don't feel you have to put on a cheery front for us, that isn't fair to you. 

 

I'm sorry for your losses and look forward to hearing about your new challenges when you feel like sharing. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by JackieDecides
typos

[Leo1983]

Thinking of you H2H

 

You have been a god send to me. 

 

Please try to work through it. Dont want that poison back in your brain.

 

Hey it may be a wave???? 

 

Chin up

 

Leo

[mdwstrx]

Happy - thinking of you and praying that things get better.  I think JackieDecides has said it best.  Love and hugs to you. 💜

[Happy2Heal]

22 hours ago, shawny said:

@Happy2Heal : u are inspiration to many o us here , I learn many things from u .

b it acceptance , coping and even issues with anxiety ! 

 

Pls don’t feel disheartened we all will get there one day  it’s frustrating and slow but we will get there 

 

will keep u in my prayers 

thank you so much shawny

It means so much to me to have the support of others who know what this is all like

 

it definitely lightens the load

[Happy2Heal]

10 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

the quick fix, indeed. you know it will make you feel different, anyway, and when you feel bad any change would be a relief.

 

 

yes, the drugs didn't "cure" my depression (which was, actually, I think now in hindsight, just normal grief)

it just dulled all of my feelings. 

10 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm sorry for your losses and look forward to hearing about your new challenges when you feel like sharing. 

thanks so much.

I had a somewhat better day today, the elderly rats I'm caring for decided to eat a bit more, they look a bit brighter today.  hoping they have more good days.

 

[Happy2Heal]

10 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

Thinking of you H2H

 

You have been a god send to me. 

 

Please try to work through it. Dont want that poison back in your brain.

 

Hey it may be a wave???? 

 

Chin up

 

Leo

Leo, I am glad to hear that I may have helped you in some small way.

I have been wondering if this is a wave........I did have that infamous "ten month" wave and I've had a few since, so....

that would be great if that's what this is.

I don't really know how to tell the difference, though. 

some things def seem WD/recovery related.

just not sure about this current emotional state

 

I guess I'll know if a window suddenly opens, eh?

I'll be  watching for one, for sure! 

 

[mimi]

Hi Happy2Heal,

I just wanted to congratulate you for your success. It's amazing what you have achieved after so much adversity in your childhood and later. You are such an inspiration: brave, loving and sincere.

I hope life brings you as many happy days as you had difficult ones. And that the last grey clouds pass quickly.

Sending you love and hugs.

(Please excuse my English)

[Happy2Heal]

22 hours ago, mimi said:

Hi Happy2Heal,

I just wanted to congratulate you for your success. It's amazing what you have achieved after so much adversity in your childhood and later. You are such an inspiration: brave, loving and sincere.

I hope life brings you as many happy days as you had difficult ones. And that the last grey clouds pass quickly.

Sending you love and hugs.

(Please excuse my English)

thank you so much mimi

there's nothing wrong with your English,  it's better than mine.

 

the grey clouds are, indeed passing....

 

thanks for the compliments. Lately I have not been very brave, I wanted to hide under the covers and never come out.

But I am starting to feel stronger again.

 

I see from your signature you were given ADs for a long time too. I hope your withdrawal goes smoothly. I am glad you found us and now know to go slowly and not to skip days. That should help you avoid a lot of unnecessary troubles!

 

all the best to you in your healing journey

[Happy2Heal]

hmm, I think Leo was right, I just went thru a wave. I think...

 

I'm not 100% sure that's what it was, but it did have some similarities to waves in the past.

 

I was so lucky during the first part of my WD/recovery, my healing seemed to follow a pretty steady line from lots of symptoms to fewer and fewer ones, without the window and wave pattern that most people talk about.

I generally didn't know I was in a wave til it passed and I felt better.

 

Now, however,  I don't know if i can say that I am a certain percentage healed, like 95% or whatever, because it does seem that I'm having waves tossed in willy nilly among days that seem perfectly "normal" to me (whatever normal is, hahaha)

I mean, I've declared my success, or victory, and I have gotten OFF the ADs and have been off for a year and about 3 mos now....

But if I'm still having waves, no matter how small or short lived, does that mean I'm not there yet?  

 

I don't know. Last night, things suddenly cleared up, my dread and gloomy feelings just faded away and now, while not exactly cheerful, as I did have to say goodbye to two more of my foster rats, I am not feeling depressed any more.

 

hmmm.

I guess I need to accept that my brain has some more healing to do.

It does seem reasonable, in light of my very long and complicated psych drug history. I think after over 40 years on these powerful chemicals, my brain probably has some more tweaks to make here and there, eh?

 

 

I have made so many changes in my life. I am healthier than I've ever been, but that doesn't mean I'm always happy.

Even though I knew I should expect it, I was very disappointed and somewhat discouraged when I was waking up with dread and anxiety and not wanting to get up and face the day. 

my appetite is back & the past two days I've concentrated on eating only the most nutritious foods and that's probably helping my mood too.

Sadly when I am feeling down, I turn to sweets esp high sugar, high fat things like cookies or candy. that's not at all helpful.

but hey, I"m human. it happens!

what matters is that I no longer just give up and keep going with bad habits, I make a commitment to start again and keep to my plan. I feel the best when I stick to the whole foods, plant based diet. 

 

so off to make a good breakfast of oatmeal with almond milk and share it with my little foster rat Maggie ❤️

 

[shawny]

@Happy2Heal : Thats the spirit ur a gona kill the coming days  enjoy things now and dont think of the wave at all

 

Hugs to u and Maggi ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

thanks so much Shawny, I appreciate it

 

 

[Leo1983]

🤗 life also has its ups and downs. Wave or no wave its over. 

 

Enjoy the better feelings. 

 

Im still in the thick urghhh