Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[Happy2Heal]

3 hours ago, Tweet said:

Is your hair all back to normal now? It was falling out...

 

 

not really, no

 

it stops for falling out and is constantly growing new hairs (I see them most when its humid, they curl up more, little short "baby" hairs lol) 

but then I'll lose a bunch more, it's an ongoing process it seems.

 

BUT it does seem like I'm now growing more than I'm losing, so hopefully in time I'll be back to normal!!

 

how are you doing?

[Happy2Heal]

55 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

  

 

well, I can copy/paste yours...

 

the roads are only wet, not icy so it's all good. I'm a bit bummed there has been no sun today. I am used to sun darn near every day! 

 

 

oh my I wish we had sun nearly every day LOL  we've had a long run of cloudy showering weather, April showers and all that.

The sun peeks out from time to time, it was just out for about 25 mins and I literally put my shoes on and ran out the door to be outside in the sun LOL

I"m cleaning up the trash around the property here and the whole block really, it's Earth Month after all
Good a time as any to be cleaning up.

 

I'm glad it's not icy there, that's no fun. 

I hope you see the sun tomorrow!!!

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 4/29/2019 at 2:55 PM, Dreamer said:

Hello H2H,

I went off Zoloft cold turkey 13 weeks ago (was on it for 10 years).  I also was taking tranxene (a Benzo) several times a week for at least that long.  The hardest thing about the wd are the anxiety.  Brain zaps and other stuff is done.  But I feel so uncomfortable mentally and physically.  Tranxene used to just take the edge off and this anxiety is so tough that it doesn't work.  My psychiatrist wanted me to take Xanax and I said no so then he suggested Ativan . But I don't want to addicted to that too. And it doesn't work that well.  My question is, did you suffer from anxiety?  If so, what did you do for it? I feel so panicked most of the time after reading all the awful stories on the internet.  I honestly have thought about going back on something but that scares me too after reading stories of reinstatement attempts.  But this is beyond difficult (I know you know that).  If I could calm the anxiety it would be tons better.  Any advise would be hugely appreciated.

Thankyou so much,

 

I am so sorry I missed seeing your post Dreamer til today.

 

I would strongly suggest that you start your own thread (I didn't see one so I'm guessing you haven't started one yet?) The moderators and administrator are the best folks to answer your questions and get you started off in the right direction.

Did you go off both tranxene and zoloft cold turkey? It may not be too late to reinstate. I can't tell you if you should or not, you'd need the input of the moderators about that.

 

I went on and off lexapro many times, so I don't know if we can even compare stories here. Everyone's journey is different, and what happened during mine can be vastly different from what may happen for you.

 

I did indeed suffer from severe anxiety and panic and dread, so bad that I was unable to sleep and every moment that I was awake was filled with panic, dread and a raw fear that is hard to describe. I tried all sorts of things to get thru it, meditation, relaxation tapes, gentle exercise, yoga, tai chi, etc. I tried different supplements, some made the symptoms worse, some seemed to help briefly but then either stopped or made things worse.  Obviously I got thru it and am fine now, but I "lost" over a year of my life to acute horrendous symptoms that I could probably have avoided if I hadn't been so foolish. 
Looking back now, I wonder if I'd tried to reinstate a tiny bit higher, if things would have gone better, but there's no way to know.

 

I can give you one small bit of advice, please follow the suggestions to go SLOW to keep it SIMPLE and to keep things STEADY! that will save you a LOT of trouble. 
This is why I urge you to start your own thread asap so you can get the advice from the experts on how you should proceed from here. There are ppl who succeeded in reinstating later on, it might be worth a try for you, I just don't know- you really need the input of the mods OK?

 

there are also many people who went cold turkey who have recovered but from what I've read, they had a pretty rough go of it.

 

You need to sort thru all that and figure out what is best for YOU, but you should probably do that sooner rather than later

 

good luck!

[Happy2Heal]

a few things I forgot to mention:

 

I drank coffee - twice!! and it didn't keep me up all night! oh it tasted so good!!!

I won't be a regular coffee drinker again but it's so good to know I can have a cup once in a while and be ok

 

I've seen the cardinal that makes a huge racket in the morning, first I spotted the male, than a few days later, the female and now I've seen the happy couple together.

I saw the baby house finch bob and weave it's heavy little head around in the nest yesterday, so adorable.

I'd love to get photos but I don't want to disturb the mom, I'd feel awful if something happened to the baby. I think there may only be one. she made her nest in a kinda bad spot, on a porch with stairs that are used all the time, but fortunately not too often nor by too many people. We are all mindful of the nest and take care to not disturb the family.

 

I've seen a downy woodpecker, we've got a noisy pair of robins, oh my goodness the male is SO loud, hahahaha

There's lots of starlings, of course, and sparrows, and a mourning dove couple and a mockingbird, have only seen the male, I'm not sure I've ever seen a female mockingbird-gotta add that to my  list. Saw a hawk but not sure what kind. and I think I saw a white throated sparrow, I'm hoping to see it again to compare it to the bird book to be sure. 

yep having fun with birdwatching 

I got a bit more active with the rat rescue doing online stuff and will be supporting the fosters by making cage liners, all they need to do is supply the fabric and I'll supply the labor. 

Also working on making catnip toys for an upcoming auction for a cat charity I've been supporting for years, they help out diabetic cats and their owners. I  had 2 diabetic cats myself years ago.

 

I just feel so alive and happy lately.

 

I can see how sometimes my thought patterns can lead me to places I'd rather not be, so I work on that when I need to, but lately I don't really need to that much.

 

it's great. 

Just great! I have so much to be grateful for.   

 

While I do feel "fully healed"  I wonder if there isn't more healing going on, because things truly do keep getting better and better.

 

things are not perfect, mind you- I still struggle with some of the issues that I had in the distant past that led me to be diagnosed with mental illness and put on drugs- I have issues with dissociation from past traumas, but I find ways to cope with that.

I was socially isolated for so long, I still struggle somewhat with handling things like conflict in relationships, setting and keeping good boundaries, and recognizing what my needs are and finding the healthiest ways to get them met.

as my therapist points out, I have major trust issues.  I don't know that that is all that bad, better to be more cautious rather than less, is my thinking , lol. but........... It is a huge relief when I allow myself to trust others. It's just extremely hard for me to do. 

but I am also excited to be working on these things.

I am moving forward now and not just trying to get thru that awful experience of withdrawal

 

but even then,  I look back on the past several years and I see that I was moving forward and making progress even while dealing with the horrendous symptoms . So it wasn't wasted time, I did make the best of it and I"m glad I did that.

 

I still have trouble with beginnings and endings, esp endings. I was essentially abandoned twice as a child, so separations from important people in my life are hard, I get anxious about ever seeing them again. I have issues with object permanence, one therapist had a theory that a trauma in early childhood screwed up me learning what most babies learn at  a very young age. this makes sense to me but I don't really understand how to, like, overcome that. I have some issues related to sexual abuse that I won't go into here, but I am finding ways to deal with that stuff too.

I am most proud of the stuff I do on my own, without any help but I also realize that there are times when help is appropriate and needed.

 

I never could have gotten thru WD/Recovery without the help of this forum. I am sure of that, and I am and will continue to be extremely grateful to Alto, the mods and the many folks here who helped me along the way.

 

I feel I can never really thank you all enough.

 

❤️ 

 

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I drank coffee - twice!! and it didn't keep me up all night! oh it tasted so good!!!

 

3 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I just feel so alive and happy lately

 

 

I am so glad for you! 😍

[PH1]

6 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

While I do feel "fully healed"  I wonder if there isn't more healing going on, because things truly do keep getting better and better.

So happy to hear this!!    God bless you.

[Happy2Heal]

 amazingly a  new milestone:

 I actually "overslept" the other day, something I've been unable to do for over 4 yrs.

I didn't need to be up at any certain time but normally I can't sleep past 6am, it's just not been possible.

I slept til 8:12!!

I was shocked when I looked at the time, I had to check my watch and the clock on the stove too LOL just to be sure it was right.

the other thing is, I fell asleep early that night- I slept for 10hrs, only getting up to go to the bathroom once.  my average sleep per night has been ~6 hrs for the past, er, 2 yrs I guess, and was a lot less during acute WD recovery!!

 

the following day, I slept for 12 hrs and took a nap later in the day. I'm not sick but I have gone thru a lot of changes, moved to a new place and have been very busy otherwise, so-

I am listening to my body. It says it needs extra sleep and so that's what I'll do. 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh felt soooooooo good lol

[dj2010]

3 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

 amazingly a  new milestone:

 I actually "overslept" the other day, something I've been unable to do for over 4 yrs.

I didn't need to be up at any certain time but normally I can't sleep past 6am, it's just not been possible.

I slept til 8:12!!

I was shocked when I looked at the time, I had to check my watch and the clock on the stove too LOL just to be sure it was right.

the other thing is, I fell asleep early that night- I slept for 10hrs, only getting up to go to the bathroom once.  my average sleep per night has been ~6 hrs for the past, er, 2 yrs I guess, and was a lot less during acute WD recovery!!

 

the following day, I slept for 12 hrs and took a nap later in the day. I'm not sick but I have gone thru a lot of changes, moved to a new place and have been very busy otherwise, so-

I am listening to my body. It says it needs extra sleep and so that's what I'll do. 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh felt soooooooo good lol

Well done, doesn’t it feel nice to wake up at a normal time rather than jolt awake at 2am and then no more sleep for the night!

 

continue your path of healing 

[Madeleine]

9 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 amazingly a  new milestone:

 I actually "overslept" the other day, something I've been unable to do for over 4 yrs.

I didn't need to be up at any certain time but normally I can't sleep past 6am, it's just not been possible.

I slept til 8:12!!

I was shocked when I looked at the time, I had to check my watch and the clock on the stove too LOL just to be sure it was right.

the other thing is, I fell asleep early that night- I slept for 10hrs, only getting up to go to the bathroom once.  my average sleep per night has been ~6 hrs for the past, er, 2 yrs I guess, and was a lot less during acute WD recovery!!

 

the following day, I slept for 12 hrs and took a nap later in the day. I'm not sick but I have gone thru a lot of changes, moved to a new place and have been very busy otherwise, so-

I am listening to my body. It says it needs extra sleep and so that's what I'll do. 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh felt soooooooo good lol

Thank you for sharing your positive update! So nice to read it.  Happy to hear that you are sleeping well. I really appreciate that you took the time to share.   
With very best wishes,
M.

[Tweet]

10 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 amazingly a  new milestone:

 I actually "overslept" the other day, something I've been unable to do for over 4 yrs.

I didn't need to be up at any certain time but normally I can't sleep past 6am, it's just not been possible.

I slept til 8:12!!

I was shocked when I looked at the time, I had to check my watch and the clock on the stove too LOL just to be sure it was right.

the other thing is, I fell asleep early that night- I slept for 10hrs, only getting up to go to the bathroom once.  my average sleep per night has been ~6 hrs for the past, er, 2 yrs I guess, and was a lot less during acute WD recovery!!

 

the following day, I slept for 12 hrs and took a nap later in the day. I'm not sick but I have gone thru a lot of changes, moved to a new place and have been very busy otherwise, so-

I am listening to my body. It says it needs extra sleep and so that's what I'll do. 

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh felt soooooooo good lol

So happy to hear that you are sleeping well too! Sounds like you are doing so great!🤸 Hooray!

[JackieDecides]

I am so glad to hear this! and listening to your body seems like a good plan to me. 

[JackieDecides]

how are things in your new place?

 

I am still struggling to feel "at home" in mine, but am making some progress I hope. 

[Tweet]

Just a question about your healing. Towards the end, did you have bouts of suddenly, overwhelming down emotions?

It seems like I need to cry for a few days and I can't. The emotions just aren't there.  Then after a few days of building up it all suddenly breaks loose, I cry, and then I feel better. 

Aside from some manageable anxiety I otherwise feel normal. Maybe this is "normal" female behavior?

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

how are things in your new place?

 

I am still struggling to feel "at home" in mine, but am making some progress I hope. 

 

hi Jackie

things are ok. I've been sick and very grumpy, so the things that aren't perfect bother me more than they normally would and not knowing where anything is, makes me annoyed and wears me out a bit.

 

I am starting to feel a bit more like it's my home, but I think it's just going to take time. I am starting to add things that make me happy- some plants and whatnot.

I got permission to rat sit in July, that's great news- it means I've got my foot in the door to possibly foster rats again. 
I do miss them a lot.

 

I think the past week or so has reminded me that acceptance  of "the way things are" -esp for those things you can't change, is something that needs to be practiced not just during WD/recovery but beyond.

I had so much I wanted to do, but being sick and tired and having to do things I didn't want to do, just put me in a bad mood. My friends haven't seen me like that before....they were a bit startled LOL 

 

I must hop over to your thread and see how you are going

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

47 minutes ago, Tweet said:

Just a question about your healing. Towards the end, did you have bouts of suddenly, overwhelming down emotions?

It seems like I need to cry for a few days and I can't. The emotions just aren't there.  Then after a few days of building up it all suddenly breaks loose, I cry, and then I feel better. 

Aside from some manageable anxiety I otherwise feel normal. Maybe this is "normal" female behavior?

hi Tweet

I have had, and actually continue to have, bouts of fairly intense emotions, both down ones and up/happy ones.

 

I think my brain may still be working on "leveling things out". I recall as a teenager, being told that I had very "labile moods" (which I always thought was the very definition of being a teenager, but what do I know? they told me it was a mental illness)

 

I have some high moods and low moods and recently some very grumpy moods LOL - earlier on, when I was first totally off the lexapro, I had more down periods and as time has gone by, I have more up happy ones.

Most of the time, I am just mainly content.

 

I don't know what is "normal" for an undrugged person, If there even is such a thing as normal but I see myself as no different from any of my friends and others who were never on these meds (A few of my friends  are on these terrible drugs & they appear to have their feelings blunted- they never seem happy or sad or anything- but they express a lot of discontent with their lives. That makes me sad)

 

so yeh, Tweet, I would say that having down moods and feeling like you want to or need to cry is pretty normal for WD recovery.

 

if you are still menstruating or near menopause, mood changes could be hormonal. 😕

 

 

where are you at in your recovery? are you off drugs now?

[Rosetta]

Hi Happy,

 

I'm glad your move went so well and you are pleased with your new place.  The fact that you feel healed is wonderful.  I'm sure the mood thing will clear up.  I'm still bumping along.  

 

Rosetta

[Tweet]

5 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

hi Tweet

I have had, and actually continue to have, bouts of fairly intense emotions, both down ones and up/happy ones.

 

I think my brain may still be working on "leveling things out". I recall as a teenager, being told that I had very "labile moods" (which I always thought was the very definition of being a teenager, but what do I know? they told me it was a mental illness)

 

I have some high moods and low moods and recently some very grumpy moods LOL - earlier on, when I was first totally off the lexapro, I had more down periods and as time has gone by, I have more up happy ones.

Most of the time, I am just mainly content.

 

I don't know what is "normal" for an undrugged person, If there even is such a thing as normal but I see myself as no different from any of my friends and others who were never on these meds (A few of my friends  are on these terrible drugs & they appear to have their feelings blunted- they never seem happy or sad or anything- but they express a lot of discontent with their lives. That makes me sad)

 

so yeh, Tweet, I would say that having down moods and feeling like you want to or need to cry is pretty normal for WD recovery.

 

if you are still menstruating or near menopause, mood changes could be hormonal. 😕

 

 

where are you at in your recovery? are you off drugs now?

Thanks for the reply. Yes, the question remains: what IS normal? I tapered off of 20 mg Prozac over 6 weeks beginning May of 2018.  Basically CT. Totally horrific nightmare of a year it has been.

Did not know about reinstatement. Totally determined to get off if it killed me. Went down in a pit for a year but am improved greatly by now and by God's grace. Just having these ultra deep emotions I told you about.

[JackieDecides]

18 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I am starting to feel a bit more like it's my home, but I think it's just going to take time. I am starting to add things that make me happy- some plants and whatnot.

I got permission to rat sit in July,

 

this is excellent, I'm so glad to hear it

 

 

18 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

acceptance  of "the way things are" -esp for those things you can't change, is something that needs to be practiced not just during WD/recovery but beyond.

 

 

I struggle with this and feel I haven't been doing well at all. I find myself usually (constantly? maybe not but too often) fighting the way things are - oh, why can't I go back and change the past, why can't I have back what is lost. 

 

so I am working on it.

[Happy2Heal]

On 5/18/2019 at 5:57 PM, Rosetta said:

Hi Happy,

 

I'm glad your move went so well and you are pleased with your new place.  The fact that you feel healed is wonderful.  I'm sure the mood thing will clear up.  I'm still bumping along.  

 

Rosetta

thanks so much Rosetta

I am sorry I am just seeing this post now, not sure how I missed it before

 

[Happy2Heal]

I had written an update but it never posted.

 

that's ok.

 

I am confused about how far I've come and if I"m fully healed, I mean, if my brain has gone back to the way it was pre-drugs. I don't even know if that's possible, since I'm decades older- I'm guessing our brains change all the time, and esp as we age. (keep hearing that we lost a lot of brain cells and our brains shrink as we get older, gee what a happy thought, eh?! LOL I didn't have a lot to work with to begin with, now I'm really gonna be short on working brain cells, ha!!!) 😂

 

"things" are going well.

I have some real life struggles I'd rather not go into detail about, but mainly these struggles are helping me identify what areas I still need to work on,

 

such as handling emotions and esp learning ways to deal with people and difficult interactions and handling *their* feelings-

gah, it's all so complicated!

Life was definitely simpler when I was drugged. I went no where, I saw no one, I felt next to nothing- I was like the walking dead.

Now I am alive, fully alive, it seems LOL and it's not easy.

 

it's BETTER, for sure, but it's not easy.

 

the thing that makes me wonder if my brain has healed completely is that under my current stress, I've started to wake up with cortisol spikes.

I recover from them quickly, but I am wondering, are cortisol spikes ONLY a symptom of withdrawal, or are they something that ANYONE can have under stress?

 

[JackieDecides]

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

Life was definitely simpler when I was drugged. I went no where, I saw no one, I felt next to nothing- I was like the walking dead.

Now I am alive, fully alive, it seems LOL and it's not easy.

 

it's BETTER, for sure, but it's not easy.

 

 I am hanging on to the "it's better" part - that is true or WILL be true, long term, right?  I think so, and you think so and I respect your opinion! 

 

 

23 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

the thing that makes me wonder if my brain has healed completely is that under my current stress, I've started to wake up with cortisol spikes.

I recover from them quickly, but I am wondering, are cortisol spikes ONLY a symptom of withdrawal, or are they something that ANYONE can have under stress?

 

I would like to know this, too. I have had increased AM anxiety but not sure if it's bad enough to call it a cortisol spike or not. Mods?  @Altostrata

[Altostrata]

I'd call it a sensitivity to the normal early-morning cortisol peak. I find using a sleep mask helps a lot.

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

I'd call it a sensitivity to the normal early-morning cortisol peak. I find using a sleep mask helps a lot.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing too. I guess it'd be fair to say that while I essentially feel fully healed, I do seem to be much more sensitive to all sorts of things. 

 

Some of those sensitivities have improved, so my hope is that I can get stronger in most other areas as well.

 

and of course, I still have to deal with the issues I've always had, mostly related to trauma and do other work that would have been done much earlier in life if I'd not been diagnosed as biologically defective and drugged to the gills.

 

it's all good, I'm up to the task. at least, on most days lol

 

thanks for weighing in Alto

I do have a sleep mask and just started using it again, I don't need it in the winter of course

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

Update on my last post

I've decided to get checked out by a doctor, I've had some symptoms that I've been ignoring and it occurred to me that I might have a medical issue that needs to be addressed, I don't know.

I have increased thirst and urination, an extremely dry mouth, esp at night, lightheadedness, disorientation (that, I think is probably more stress related but who knows?) and small wound that should have healed a long time ago, and a few other minor but aggravating things.

 

I'll see what the dr has to say. I did go off my normal diet and ate all kinds of crap, so that's likely a factor as well.

I'd been able to drink coffee without it affecting my sleep at all, but now I'm thinking that I'm much better off eating and drinking as "clean" as possible.

I  just frankly FEEL so much better when I do.

 

I know from time to time I'll succumb to temptation and have a cookie or something but it had gotten to be an every day thing.

 

I"ll let you know what the dr says

 

today was a good day, I was able to avoid some people that are stressing me out and spent time with some friends, so it was good.

 

 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

today was a good day, I was able to avoid some people that are stressing me out and spent time with some friends, so it was good.

I'm so glad, and happy you went to the doctor; hope you check out okay.

😊

[JackieDecides]

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

I'd call it a sensitivity to the normal early-morning cortisol peak. I find using a sleep mask helps a lot.

Oh, I had to read this again for understanding: I hadn't realized there was a normal version of a cortisol spike

[Happy2Heal]

20 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm so glad, and happy you went to the doctor; hope you check out okay.

😊

haven't seen the dr yet, I got an appt for Thursday

 

yeh I hope it's nothing.

 

[Happy2Heal]

update:

saw the dr on Thursday and got orders for blood work and a U/A (included in bloodwork is an A1c and a thyroid test)

 

Thursday night around 11:30 pm went into afib, with a wildly chaotic heartbeat. 

Waiting almost an hour to see if it would subside, it didn't, so I did what my cardiologist advised, I went to the ED and got an EKG that confirmed I was in afib with a "rapid ventricular response" of heartbeats up to 200 per min.

 

so I got an IV and some beta blocker and when my heart was down some, I signed out AMA because I was not at the hospital where my cardiologist is affiliated, he's on the other side of town and I can't go walking across town in the middle of the night!!

The drs at the closer hospital where I was, they push all sorts of treatments and procedures that actually make my afib worse and cause additional problems I didn't have when I arrived! and they've got my records to prove that the stuff they do makes things worse!

but they wanted to do all those things all over again!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so disgusted, I left.

 

I am still in afib but my heart rate has come down and I'll make an appt with my own cardiologist for next week.

 

This is just confirmation that I was, indeed, not handling stress well. I was eating poorly, had burgers and fried food and cake and candy and crap.

I was also not handling anger well. I have very few episodes of afib; I was diagnosed about 20+ years ago and I believe this was only my 4th or 5th episode

 

in every single case, an episode was preceded by a period of several weeks of increased stress, poor eating, trouble sleeping with increased need for sleep, anger/frustration and increased PACs/PVCs  that show that my heart is as irritated as I am.

 

so I need to eat better and I need to find effective ways to handle anger and deal with aggravating people.

 

My strategy in the past was to just avoid these people and that seemed to work ok but now I can't always avoid the ppl that annoy me.

 

I really don't know how to address this issue. I have a therapist but like most therapists, she's at least several steps behind me and is just now catching on that I have trouble recognizing my feelings.

 

I've tackled that one, and now know what to look for to determine how I'm feeling (when I'm angry, I tend to hold my breath and tense up all over, when I'm anxious and afraid of being judged, I tighten my stomach, when I'm feeling down, I tend to look down, etc)

 

her plan is to bring in some work sheets with lists of emotions

I'm at the place where I know what I'm feeling and need practical tips to DEAL with those feelings

and even more so, practical tips to know how to interact with difficult people.

and ways to "talk myself down" from being so angry.

 

I know, for instance, that some of my anger stems from this feeling of "I shouldn't have to deal with these people"

 

Right off, I'm making myself angry and frustrated by assuming that my life is going to be so blessed that I'll never have to run across a difficult person or interaction.

 

so part of this is going to be CBT based I think. 

I want to learn quick ways to talk myself down from a flare up of anger and quick ways to distance myself from the situation or person that brought this on, for both my sake and thiers.

I never learned safe ways to express anger, I've only seen that angry people get violent or verbally abusive

I don't have a role model for ways to deal with other people's anger nor my own

 

so I may be looking for a new therapist unless I can communicate my needs to her.

I'll try to get thru to her on Tuesday.

 

I've also got to get back on my healthy diet, no more fast food and sugary crap.

would probably help to go to the Y and do some swimming or something too 

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

13 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I know, for instance, that some of my anger stems from this feeling of "I shouldn't have to deal with these people"

 

Right off, I'm making myself angry and frustrated by assuming that my life is going to be so blessed that I'll never have to run across a difficult person or interaction.

 

you are so self-aware: this is brilliant.

 

I am just starting to realize that so much of my problems are that I just don't accept reality. 

 

 

13 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

so I may be looking for a new therapist unless I can communicate my needs to her.



 

this is really well written - can you just read her this post? 

 

I'm so sorry you have had a-fib again but at least you know how to take care of yourself - and keep doctors from making you worse! 

[manymoretodays]

Hi Happy and hugs,    Ugh on the A fib.  Do you have access to a decent Cardiologist?  Although....I am like you.....I continue very doctor shy and sometimes avoidant.  It might be a good idea.  And I can so relate.  It has been enlightening, to say the least.......reality.  I'm helping Mum now....post her recent stroke,  and going to appointment s with her, etc.  It's flabbergasting!  Only 7 medications.....her......for this and that( and of course I'm not happy about this )...happy I know where to look and how to communicate my concerns with ALL her docs  ....yet STILL.  I think we are making progress and she's amazing, at 91.   She's doing well btw.                                           My own progress continues too....post meds and all.  I think that there are always things.....and for myself.....I m there.....yet never really there....lol, as far as "healed or recovered" completely.  Works for me.  I am not "un well" either.  Or sick in any way.  Nothing wrong with stepping outside of "reality" a bit.....every now and then,  safely.......like with meditation or other non drug coping stuff.  I like movement.  And music.  Listening and practicing.  Oh....happy about your rats return soon too!!   Best.  L, P, H, and G,   mmt    

Edited June 18, 2019 by manymoretodays
Additional comment

[Happy2Heal]

On 6/18/2019 at 2:29 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi Happy and hugs,    Ugh on the A fib.  Do you have access to a decent Cardiologist?  Although....I am like you.....I continue very doctor shy and sometimes avoidant.  It might be a good idea.  And I can so relate.  It has been enlightening, to say the least.......reality.  I'm helping Mum now....post her recent stroke,  and going to appointment s with her, etc.  It's flabbergasting!  Only 7 medications.....her......for this and that( and of course I'm not happy about this )...happy I know where to look and how to communicate my concerns with ALL her docs  ....yet STILL.  I think we are making progress and she's amazing, at 91.   She's doing well btw.                                           My own progress continues too....post meds and all.  I think that there are always things.....and for myself.....I m there.....yet never really there....lol, as far as "healed or recovered" completely.  Works for me.  I am not "un well" either.  Or sick in any way.  Nothing wrong with stepping outside of "reality" a bit.....every now and then,  safely.......like with meditation or other non drug coping stuff.  I like movement.  And music.  Listening and practicing.  Oh....happy about your rats return soon too!!   Best.  L, P, H, and G,   mmt    

hi mmm

thanks so much for your post and good wishes

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, I've been working on... stuff.

 

I have a good cardiologist but since I've got plain ol afib, he passes all his boring patients like me, on to his nurse practitioners to "manage" us; as an EP his time is too valuable to be wasted on us. Unless of course, we have good insurance and can afford an ablation.

 

I'm glad your mom is doing well, and you seem to be as well...?

 

I don't feel sick, I don't feel the chemical effects of the psych drugs anymore, I feel like I've pretty much arrived and am settled into my own body without those "outside influences"

 

which is great

 

I should be a lot more grateful about that.

It's funny, I kinda predicted that at some point I would forget how truly awful WD was, and I would start to take feeling good for granted

 

and here I am, taking it for granted!!!

life continues to be messy and wonderful and heartbreaking and hard and fun and all of that!

 

I am grateful, I just sometimes forget to take the time to express it and soak it in.

 

I am wanting too much lately to control things, not accept them

It's hard to accept stuff you don't like.

 

but I'm working on it.

 

it's a process, I guess

 

 

[manymoretodays]

17 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

and here I am, taking it for granted!!!

life continues to be messy and wonderful and heartbreaking and hard and fun and all of that!

 

I am grateful, I just sometimes forget to take the time to express it and soak it in. 

 

I am wanting too much lately to control things, not accept them

It's hard to accept stuff you don't like.

 

Oh yah.......and no reason to fully accept, that which is so darn harmful sometimes.  I mean in general.

I'm doing well H2H.  I must be, as my biggest challenge lately, is trying to find a balance between wanting a "perpetual vacation sort of life" versus really finding "my work".

Hope to join you real soon over on this side of things.  The success stories section. 

Hmmm.......I still procrastinate!!  Some security in my comfortable introduction thread me thinks.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Edited June 27, 2019 by manymoretodays
additional

[Happy2Heal]

interesting observation:

 

going thru WD I learned to *accept* the symptoms and how I felt

 

now, dealing with real life feelings, I am having a harder time *accepting* them....

 

I feel as if real life feelings are something I should be able to change... I guess

 

and WD symptoms were chemically caused and could not be changed, just waited out

 

hrmmmmmmm!!

I am, as I kind of predicted, some what depressed. I lived in the same place for over 20 yrs and moving is hard- anytime I've done it in the past, I've been depressed after the newness of the move wore off and the daily grind kicked in.

 

I am actually planning to move back to my old apt when my lease is up here but that's not til next Spring

 

and now I'm just depressed that I'm stuck here til then. although the view here is much better (it's fantastic, actually, which was the big draw afterall) I was more comfortable in my old place. well, certainly more used to it.

I just watched a video taken in my old place and I felt so homesick

 

I am just not motivated to do anything, just want to sleep or numb myself out with distractions

The neat thing is, I have been able to sleep during the day

Not great when I'm up half the night, but it's ok, I prefer the dark now, go figure!

that's MUCH more like the "old me" pre- WD!! I just realized!

wow, that's exciting, the old me prefered the night time because I knew I wasn't going to be interrupted and could do what I wanted in privacy and with no outside distractions

 

wow, started this post off about how I'm depressed and ending it realizing that I'm even more healed as time goes on.

 

see, "kids", it *does* get better. 

real feelings can be hard but they are manageable

 

that's my totally un profound thought for the day

 

lol

 

[JackieDecides]

On 7/4/2019 at 4:48 PM, Happy2Heal said:

now, dealing with real life feelings, I am having a harder time *accepting* them....

 

I feel as if real life feelings are something I should be able to change... I guess

 

that is really interesting & I'm going to have to think about it...

 

On 7/4/2019 at 4:48 PM, Happy2Heal said:

that's MUCH more like the "old me" pre- WD!! I just realized!

 

🙂

[JackieDecides]

On 7/4/2019 at 4:48 PM, Happy2Heal said:

now, dealing with real life feelings, I am having a harder time *accepting* them....

 

I feel as if real life feelings are something I should be able to change... I guess

 

that is really interesting & I'm going to have to think about it...

 

next morning, ETA:  I have thought about it and I think for me, anyway, I never did accept the feelings of WD I just hung on through them. the closest I came was accepting the insomnia when it got bad. but that isn't a feeling. 

no, I don't think I ever got to acceptance with WD and so maybe it's not surprising I'm not doing well with acceptance of real feelings. not surprising at all. acceptance is hard and - do you think? - the most important thing! 

 

On 7/4/2019 at 4:48 PM, Happy2Heal said:

that's MUCH more like the "old me" pre- WD!! I just realized!

 

🙂

[Happy2Heal]

23 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

acceptance is hard and - do you think? - the most important thing! 

 

acceptance is VERY hard.

with the numbing of feelings from the AD, came a kind of pseudo peace- that everything must be ok,  or that anything that seemed not quite good didn't really matter....

I didn't fully feel anything, so yeh, nothing really seemed to matter.

 

Now, things seem to matter too much, feelings often seem too intense.

I imagine our brains are still sorting out how to work, now the chemical effects are gone.

I guess things are still "wavy". I've been re reading Brassmonkey's posts about post "0"

Lots of good stuff there. I  guess I'm in 'recovery normal' but seeing improvements and some small setbacks along the way.

 

 

All of this does make it hard to make life decisions, as you and I have discovered- and to feel any confidence that those decisions are the right ones.

 

I think I am always wanting to move to a new place now because I am trying to get away from myself and the uncomfortable feelings. but I don't really know.

 

and the not knowing is what bothers me the most. I want certainty!! I want things to come with a guarantee! is that too much to ask?🙄😂

 

of course it is, that's not reality

 

*sigh*