Lucylou44 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Ok...in 16 years of cyclic antidepressant use I have never posted a single thing. I am 43 years old with a long history of numerous antidepressants, I am now 7 months free, struggling, lost and desperate for some encouraging news! The first 3 months were fine (how lucky am I?!) By 4 months crippling anxiety I have never experienced before in my life. This has passed and is now replaced by good old fashioned ' I'm existing not living', everyday is a momentous effort with no joy, no colour, no light and the weight that it's never going to get any better than this! I have been told that with my history, my recovery could take a minimum of 2 years. Does anyone out there relate to my story or can offer me some hope? Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus SkyBlue Posted November 9, 2018 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 9, 2018 Hi Lucy, Welcome to SA. Your symptoms sound very intense, and my heart goes out to you. The fact that the anxiety is more intense than you've ever experienced points to it definitely being withdrawal, which means that it will heal in time. This site is all about helping people heal, and encourage each other to find the patience to do so. While everyone is different, a few of the main themes are: be gentle with your system; practicing calming techniques; and trying fish oil and magnesium (starting with small doses at first). Many people have posted their stories here on this site. You may find some of them encouraging. If you come across scary stories, please don't internalize them -- everyone's story is different, and what happened to them isn't necessarily what will be happening to/for you. The encouraging news is that people do heal... The discouraging part is that we don't necessarily know how long it takes. Please tell us a little bit about your drug history by creating a signature using these instructions: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/18343-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/ Again, welcome. 2020: After 18+ years (entire adult life) on Paxil, a dangerous doctor-led "taper" in 2015, and four years tapering off the last 1 mg thanks to SA and the Brassmonkey slide, I AM COMPLETELY FREE OF PAXIL! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Forever. 2021: Began conservative, proper, CNS-respecting taper of Zoloft, led by the only expert on me -- me. Making own liquid. 5-10% plus holds. 2022: Holding on Zoloft for now. Current dose 47 mg. Hanging in, hanging on. Severe protracted PAWS, windows and waves. While I may not be doing "a lot" by outside standards, things are graaaaadually getting better. Yoga (gentle to medium); walks; daily breath practice; nutrition, fruits/veg; nature; water; EastEnders (lol); practicing self-compassion, self-care; boundaries; connection; allowing feelings; t r u s t ing that I, too, will heal. (--> may need to be reminded of this.) "You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story." - Baylissa Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus SkyBlue Posted November 9, 2018 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 9, 2018 Also, please keep notes on paper about your daily symptom pattern. Some info on magnesium: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/ Important: The waves and windows pattern of stabilization: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/ 2020: After 18+ years (entire adult life) on Paxil, a dangerous doctor-led "taper" in 2015, and four years tapering off the last 1 mg thanks to SA and the Brassmonkey slide, I AM COMPLETELY FREE OF PAXIL! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Forever. 2021: Began conservative, proper, CNS-respecting taper of Zoloft, led by the only expert on me -- me. Making own liquid. 5-10% plus holds. 2022: Holding on Zoloft for now. Current dose 47 mg. Hanging in, hanging on. Severe protracted PAWS, windows and waves. While I may not be doing "a lot" by outside standards, things are graaaaadually getting better. Yoga (gentle to medium); walks; daily breath practice; nutrition, fruits/veg; nature; water; EastEnders (lol); practicing self-compassion, self-care; boundaries; connection; allowing feelings; t r u s t ing that I, too, will heal. (--> may need to be reminded of this.) "You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story." - Baylissa Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus WiggleIt Posted November 9, 2018 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 9, 2018 On 11/7/2018 at 2:14 PM, Lucylou44 said: Ok...in 16 years of cyclic antidepressant use I have never posted a single thing. I am 43 years old with a long history of numerous antidepressants, I am now 7 months free, struggling, lost and desperate for some encouraging news! The first 3 months were fine (how lucky am I?!) By 4 months crippling anxiety I have never experienced before in my life. This has passed and is now replaced by good old fashioned ' I'm existing not living', everyday is a momentous effort with no joy, no colour, no light and the weight that it's never going to get any better than this! I have been told that with my history, my recovery could take a minimum of 2 years. Does anyone out there relate to my story or can offer me some hope? Dear LucyLou, When I was in acute, one of the most helpful places I found hope was on the Recovery section of this very site. I went there and printed recovery stories, highlighted the most hopeful parts, and kept the stack next to my bad and read it everyday. On the home page of this site, just scroll down to Success Stories: Recovery from Withdrawal, and you will read words of healing! *I'm not a doctor and don't give medical advice, just personal experience **Off all meds since Nov. 2014. Mentally & emotionally recovered; physically not-Dual cold turkeys off TCA & Ativan in Oct 2014. Prescribed from 2011-2014 -All meds were Rxed off-label for an autoimmune illness. It was a MISDIAGNOSIS, but I did not find out until AFTER meds caused damage. All med tapers/cold turkeys directed by doctors -Nortriptyline May 2012 - Dec 2013. Cold turkey off nortrip & cold switched to desipramine -Desipramine Jan 2014 - Oct. 29, 2014 (rapid taper/cold turkey) -Lorazepam 1 mg per night during 2011 -Lorazepam 1 mg per month in 2012 (or less) -Lorazepam on & off, Dec 2013 through Aug 2014. Didn't exceed 3x a week -Lorazepam again in Oct. 2014 to help get off of desipramine. Last dose lzpam was 1 mg, Nov. 2, 2014. Immediate paradoxical reactions to benzos after stopping TCAs -First muscle/dystonia side effects started on nortriptyline, but docs too stupid to figure it out. On desipramine, muscle tremors & rigidity worsened -Two weeks after I got off all meds, I developed full-blown TD. Tardive dystonia, dyskinesia, myoclonic jerks ALL over body, ribcage wiggles, facial tics, twitching tongue & fingers, tremors/twitches of arms, legs, cognitive impairment, throat muscles semi-paralyzed & unable to swallow solid food, brain zaps, ears ring, dizzy, everything looks too far away, insomnia, numbness & electric shocks everywhere when I try to fall asleep, jerk awake from sleep with big, gasping breaths, wake with terrors & tremors, severely depressed. NO HISTORY OF DEPRESSION, EVER. Meds CREATED it. -Month 7: hair falling out; no vision improvement; still tardive dystonia; facial & tongue tics returned -Month 8: back to acute, incl. Grand Mal seizure-like episodes. New mental torment, PGAD, worse insomnia -Month 9: tardive dystonia worse, dyskinesia returned. Unable to breathe well due to dystonia in stomach, chest, throat -Month 13: Back to acute, brain zaps back, developed eczema & stomach problems. Left leg no longer works right due to dystonia, meaning both legs now damaged -7 years off: Huge improvements, incl. improved dystonia Link to comment
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