Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Thanks Carmie.....

 

Work day finally done and was definitely a tough one. Horrible flu like feeling was in full force at times which just nails me especially when add it to other symptoms. Weird how it will wax and wane during the day. 

 

Attempted a walk after work but only lasted a few hundred meters then had to turn back but at least gave it a go.

 

Hopefully better day tomorrow but at least another day closer to getting through this because this surly can’t last forever.

[bubble]

I think it's very positive that you view your symptoms as signs of healing and brain repairing itself. As far as we know this might be exactly what is happening. Hope this stage of healing finishes soon.

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

Sorry you’re getting flu like symptoms too. I just replied to you on my thread. I’ve actually got a sore throat now and feel like I’m getting a flu too. My throat is really sore. Not sure if it’s a flu or withdrawals yet, though I’ve had these symptoms before with withdrawals.

 

Keep up that positive attitude of yours. Yes, every day certainly is one day closer to recovery. Take care💚

[Tom37]

Might sound positive at times but it’s definitely not how I am for a lot of the time at the moment. Worse thing about going backwards is I often lose all hope that I will ever feel better let alone get stable. If I was off the medication and like I am think I would have far more hope about recovery. Not even reading recovery stories on here really does anything as don’t really apply to my situation.

 

Bit better sleep last night....easily 5 hours and only woke once but still in this wave. No idea what the day will bring but Will just have to do my best.

[bubble]

Believe me, you wouldn't want to be off medication when even reducing the drugs causes such bad symptoms. People are bedridden and housebound, don't sleep and can't even take a shower or go to a store let alone work. They do recover but the amount of suffering is unbelievable.

 

Trying and even succeeding in being constructive is very positive. Nobody can blame you for not being able to be like that all the time.

[Terry]

On 2/16/2019 at 8:49 PM, Gracee said:

@Tom37, Hi Tom, Forgive me for sounding corny:

 

 I have this monthly calendar I got free from a local business.

It's called my "Feel OK, Feel Good, Feel Great calendar". 

Every day, in the daily date box I  write one thing from the list below:

Feel OK, or

Feel Good ,or

Feel Great or,,,,

or I write nothing at all.

When I have a miserable day like you are having now, and I leave the day blank..... I take a good look at the calendar and realize I have had a lot of Feel OK, Feel Good and Feel Great days, and there are a few empty boxes.   Always amazes me that most of the month, I really wasn't that miserable after all.    In the past, whenever I had a bad day,  I thought every day was bad and I was sure tomorrow and the next day would be bad too. But I was wrong.   I need this silly calendar as a visual reminder cuz when I'm in my head I'm in enemy territory.

Thanks for posting this, Gracee.  I may have to incorporate something like this into my record book.  The day here is cold, but the bright sun is lovely.  Usually that helps to perk me up.  But today has been different. I need to remind myself about days that have been basically good.

[RachelSusan]

6 hours ago, bubble said:

People are bedridden and housebound, don't sleep and can't even take a shower or go to a store let alone work.

Tom,

The above best describes me when I was in the middle of it. I laid on the bathroom floor for days at a time.  I would go to the toilet and then into a hot shower or bath, then out and dry off and lay back on the floor.  A towel over me when I had the chills along with the flu like symptoms and then the towel off when I was sweating. Tremors, shaking, jerks, or whatever you want to call them lasted for hours at a time. The room felt like it was undulating, along with so many other symptoms. The pain is hard to describe,  in fact I won't  even try. Weeks, even a few months went by. I only left the house to go to the doctors, many doctors, trying to get help.  My family brought me food, either into the bathroom or when I could get to the bed, into the bed. I lost a huge amount of weight. The insomnia was crazy. This was not only after I went cold turkey but also after I reinstated. I don't remember much of it but when I look back in my calendar I realize I lost months.  Months I can't remember. Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that I do know what you are going through.  I have no suggestions on how to get through this process quicker.  I can tell you that for some reason hot showers and baths helped, but only at the moment I was in the water. Sometimes I spent hours in either. I do want you to know I know how bad you are feeling.  But I also want you to know you will live through it. I want you to know that we are out here, a small community that understand like no other community can. I want you to know that you will recover.  My fear was that I would get stuck the way I was, in this withdrawal h*ll.  Over and over I thought, what if I get stuck this way? I thought people seem to be suffering but not like me, for not as long as me. I WILL get stuck I thought, I just knew it.  But Tom, I did not get stuck.  Review your own thread as often as you need to for the reassurance from others. Read other people's thread to see how bad it was for them, and they did not get stuck. OK, I am going to yell at you for a minute, so cover your ears.  YOU WILL NOT GET STUCK. Say to yourself over and over, I will not get stuck. Use it as mantra, but try and believe Tom. I am so sorry for what you are currently going through.

[Tom37]

Bubble - I definitely don’t plan on changing anything until I get stable and to be honest if I manage to feel 85 percent or more when that happens it will be a good long while before I think to taper again. I know I’m lucky with my symptoms compared to others that’s for sure. 

 

Rachel - Thank you for your words. I know you went through it and I know it got pretty bad for you so do see where your at now is an inspiration. Your right about the getting stuck thoughts and I guess that’s another cruel part of this process. I always tell myself that all symptoms I have had during a wave have gone and my baseline symptoms have improved even though hard to see during a wave. Hopefully after this wave breaks I will have bit of a longer window......which leads me to today.

 

So far no flu like feeling which makes a big difference but other symptoms that bother me still hanging about at higher intensity but can manage them.  A better day  emotionally so that has made it a more manageable day so far.

[mdwstrx]

It sounds like the wave is waning a bit from what you wrote.  Hoping it means a window is opening. Glad the flu like feelings have gone. Maybe it means you can a better sleep tonight. 

 

You definitely will get to 85% or better.  No doubt whatsoever. Time is the factor. And your own belief. 💜

 

[neroli]

On 2/19/2019 at 10:33 AM, Tom37 said:

it’s just these waves knock the life out of you.

They do, Tom.  Makes it seem like there'll be no end.  Oh my, RachelSusan's comment is soooooo helpful.

 

Thank you for your support yesterday.  Today has been a lot better.

 

Hope you've had a better day, too.

 

N 💜

[Tom37]

Quick update.......wave seem come to an end overnight Wednesday. Yesterday felt a lot better with symptoms low to very low at times. Today has been the same. 

 

While pleased not suffering like in the wave was hoping to be in a more clearer window with zero to very minimal symptoms but guess I’m not quite there yet. 

 

It seems even in windows or just when not in a wave I get a minor new symptom or two pop up. Have no idea if this is to be expected or not but but is frustrating even though they are very minor relative to wd.

 

Will see how long this ‘feeling better’ lasts for....will be back in a few days.

[Gracee]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

 Yesterday felt a lot better with symptoms low to very low at times. Today has been the same. 

While pleased not suffering like in the wave was hoping to be in a more clearer window with zero to very minimal symptoms

 

Rejoice in your low to very low symptoms rather than feeling disappointment that you don't have zero symptoms.   

[mdwstrx]

Very glad to hear you're feeling better.   

Enjoy your time away.

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. I’m afraid withdrawal normal doesn’t mean we have no symptoms. It’s just they aren’t as intense and are overall more bearable. Take care💚

[Tom37]

Sunday evening here so bit of an update....

 

Window has now continued for four days and although still have symptoms they are generally lower in intensity although have there moments. This is definitely not my wd normal so still have a way to go before I get there. Actually slept through the night last night with no vivid dreams and didn’t wake till 5.45am which is completely not normal for me even before tapering.

 

Today mentally was very different as was very irritable and was getting angry very easily. Just over simple things that would normally not bother me would get me.

 

I know it’s wd causing it either because I’m fed up of it all or most likely just the brain still adjusting. Irritability was a standard feature in my tapering and found it very difficult at times to bite my tongue especially at work. No depression or anxiety other than the usual will this ever end thoughts and the general fed up feelings occasionally pop up. 

 

Do typically have bad emotional days before a wave so hoping that’s not the case here.

 

Will see what the next few days bring.

[mdwstrx]

Glad it’s been 4 better days!  Hoping things continue to settle down and any future waves are slight. 

 

I’ve been a bit irritable too over continually not feeling right.  But since I live alone, the dog is the only witness. 🐾. I’m  rarely, if ever, irritable with her. 😊

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

Glad to hear you had four good days. I’m sure there will be many more in the future. 

 

Sorry those nasty neuro emotions are raising their ugly head. It seems to be an hour at a time in this journey. Take care💚

 

[Tom37]

So think I’m still in this window and I say think because while physical symptoms are still low in intensity I have been having stronger neuro type emotions particularly today. 

 

I even almost started crying (the eyes were getting wet😩😂) when I saw a story on a news site about a soldier surprising his little girl at home for her birthday when normally I would not react like that. Nice story definitely but not enough for tears for me. Just been all over the place emotionally. Not depressed or anything but one moment it’s wd emotions then the next it’s me! After Sunday’s irritable/anger day and yesterday’s very positive/normal day seems I’m doing the full rounds on emotions.

 

Sleep has been as normal for wd so about 5 to 6 hours a night,

 

Physically have been feeling better. Just the one symptom which is I wish would go because it’s a typical weird and unusual wd feeling inside me but it has been lower in intensity. 

 

So today is day 6 of feeling physically quite a bit better. 

 

Probably operating at 75 percent physically....just need these stupid emotions to settle down.....of course it makes you question ‘is it just me’.

 

[RachelSusan]

This sounds encouraging Tom.  Let's hope that weird inside one goes away soon.
R

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel....yeah it’s a hard one to explain that’s for sure but I’m sure in time it will leave....just hoping this window lasts  a bit longer as progress I guess is judged  by the windows getting longer and clearer and waves getting shorter and less intense....but will be what it will be I guess.

[mdwstrx]

So good to hear this report!  6 days and counting is very encouraging. Maybe  cycling through the emotions isn’t a bad thing in that at least they aren’t blunted. 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Md....hopefully in time for the both of us the windows will be clearer instead of being still a bit dirty.

 

Think the emotions where a bit over kill today but that’s wd for you....somewhere in between would be perfect.....hopefully no tears tomorrow!😆

 

 

[Tom37]

Just had confirmation that I’m now in a ‘consultation period’ at work. Meeting tomorrow to go through it all. The whole business is going through it. Last thing I need is more stress especially when at times it feels like your hanging on by a thread.

 

Going through wd and now this. Hopefully I can cope......only bonus is if I have no job at end of it I can take time out to heal from this.

[RachelSusan]

OUCH.  This is definitely a pile on situation. Pile on just one more stressor in your life. I hope it turns out the way YOU want it to turn out. Best of luck.

 

Warm wishes,

R

 

[Tom37]

So one of the two of my role at work will be disestablished and with my current health don’t think I can handle the stress and extra work load from the new role. Looks like redundancy coming.

 

Plus I’m pretty sure I’m now back into a wave or at least the start of it....will this suffering ever end!

[nick1990]

Tom, it’s tough times mate , but this could be a really good opportunity to let yourself rest and your nervous system recover. 

 

[Tom37]

Hopefully that is the positive out of this.....frustrating part is I’m not well enough to actually get another job or take on the extra work at the moment. Is there anything more wd wants to take from me? 

 

At least we will be ok with the one income so dont have to stress about that.

[mdwstrx]

Sorry to hear of the forthcoming changes at work.  Tough call but your health is much more important, especially if you have the latitude to ease up for a while.  Saying prayers that maybe the stress has just ramped up sx a bit but not a true wave.  Hold on, friend, because we are getting better - just s-----l----o------w------l-----y.  At some point, hard as it seems, this will be a distant memory.  

[Tom37]

Thanks Md...yeah tough call but think time away from work is probably the best option. Just get bit worried about how I will handle being not well and at home as I’m not really able to get into my hobbies or anything due to how I feel. Plus the whole process of leaving etc isn’t pleasant and will miss the social interaction when I feel better.

 

Glad your still feeling so good and yes this is ever so slow! Just wish I didn’t get the waves where I feel so ill.

[Tom37]

Hi all,

 

i know life carries on even though we maybe in withdrawal and can throw up some stressful situations.

 

If anyone has any tips or advice about how they deal with stress when in wd would be great to hear it.

 

Thanks

[mdwstrx]

Check out the following ASMR links that have helped me so much.  

Here, here and here. 

 

Also, this site has a some great guided mindfulness packs. The one on managing anxiety was really helpful through the worst part of wd. 

 

 

[Tom37]

Really struggling with this wave and work situation. Also found out a colleague passed away and was only 40 from a heart condition. Horrible day.

 

Terrible restlessness feeling that you really struggle to keep still...up and down all the time. Plus have this sense of fear about everything.

 

For the first time in over two months I broke and I took 2mg Valium last night to allow me some sleep. Got about 4 hours but better than nothing. Not pleased about taking it but struggling so much with this restlessness and everything else. 

[Gracee]

16 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Hi all,

 

i know life carries on even though we maybe in withdrawal and can throw up some stressful situations.

 

If anyone has any tips or advice about how they deal with stress when in wd would be great to hear it.

 

Thanks

1) Acceptance

2) Distraction

 

[Tom37]

Yip working on it.

 

This wave is hitting hard today...flu like fleeting has started and when at full strength it’s so hard to do anything. Keep going really cold, the restlessness is there so a lot of very slow pacing going on. Can’t even distract myself due to how I feel.

 

So much for waves easing the further out you get or should I say the closer you get to stabilising.....stable and me don’t want to get along.

[RachelSusan]

20 hours ago, Tom37 said:

 

If anyone has any tips or advice about how they deal with stress when in wd would be great to hear it.

For me, when it was awful, just as you described, there wasn't much I could do, hot showers, and hot baths with Epsom salt helped a tiny bit. For nausea (if you have any) I took 12.5 mg of Meclizine, although the doctor had given me a prescription of 25 mg each. Meclizine can be bought over the counter under the name Dramamine, at least in this country. Occasionally Tylenol for headaches, however overall I tried to avoid any sort of drug, medication, as much as I could.

 

Once I started to come out of it, but still not normal, I could take short walks. I paced a lot around the house. Yes the stress or anxiety kept me pacing.  I think it helped. I tried to distract myself with TV or music.  There were times though that any sound was too disruptive. When I could read I did, however there were times that cognitive fog wouldn't permit me.

 

Overall I treated myself as if I indeed had the flu.  I stayed in bed.  I tried to remind myself to eat.  Even if not hungry I had some hot soup. I reminded myself to drink water. I lost a tremendous amount of weight, the first ten pounds I lost was good but after than, not so good.  I always took fish oil so I continued to do that, I don't know if it made a difference, but I still take it. A big thing I did do was create an excel spread sheet and tracked each symptom each day.  That did help me a lot.  Not in any real way but since I had no control over my body it did give me a sense of control.  I felt as if I tracked it enough and saw a pattern I could fix it.  Well I did see a pattern but only time fixed it.  However that information is at least helpful now when I taper. I can sort of predict when symptoms will hit after a taper.

 

Hang in there Tom. I do know how nasty it is.  You might feel like you are going to die, but you will come out the other end. And again, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this.  This is truly torture, but there is good life to be had once this passes.

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel I do appreciate your support.

 

For me there seems to be a pattern with the waves as always seem to with a highly emotional day then physical symptoms slowly start the next day then the flu like feeling hits and then a few other symptoms are added. Then 3 to 4 days after it fully hits it usually starts to ease.

 

The other side of this at times seems so close yet waves confirm still a way to go. It seems a bad crash takes longer to recover from than reinstatement.

 

Just was hoping after nearly 4 months the waves would start easing because at the moment feels like I’m tracking like someone in full withdrawal off meds which scares me as that can take a long period of time to recover. Most people trying to stabilise seem to be in the 3 to 4 month range with the odd exception.

 

I know I’m not suffering like some people in full wd and grateful for that but still suffering and it’s still impacting life significantly. I know I’m not the right type of person to be dealing with this as I’m quite sensitive, lack patience and have an anxiety history so just hope I can keep on going for as long as it takes.