Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel,

 

My waves were generally very similar for the most part until the last one and this one where feel quite a lot different. 

 

Really thought I was on the right track as waves were getting less severe and gaps inbetween were getting longer and even went three weeks without one so feels like a big backwards step.

 

I guess just have to carry on and hope that I can actually get through this and become stable although the longer it goes on the less I believe in ever getting better.

[Tom37]

Another day done in this wave.....did some work this morning to get ahead and then went out for a nice bush walk which I forgot had a few hills so hopefully haven’t done too much but was only a 40min walk.

 

Wave was in full force this morning, just feel horrible like I’m sick but I’m not as it feels different, nausea comes and goes, got chills or go a bit hot but mainly the chills and mentally not my normal self either as have been constantly ruminating over a couple of things with work which I never normally do, I normally couldn’t care less. The mental symptoms are the worst as always think ‘is this me’.

 

At least life isn’t a constant wave like it was early on....no idea how I got through that early period and continued to work.

[Tom37]

Got 4.5 hours sleep which is better than nothing but woke at 3am and because of how I feel couldn’t go back to sleep.

 

Still not feeling well and the fear of this never ending is high. Thoughts about why even bother to carry on if this is how life is going to be are quite intense this morning.

 

In the early few months this I had a lot more hope that stability would happen, all the advice was give it several months and you should be through it but here I am 6 months later still in the thick of it and in the worse wave I’ve had in several months. From feeling like I was close to stabilising to feeling like it’s a million miles away...my level of hopefulness is fading fast. I do everything I should, hold my dose, lol after myself, try to reduce stress as much as possible but all seems to no avail. 

 

Clearly feeling very sorry for myself at this moment but after 6 months of this **** think I’m allowed to be.

[RachelSusan]

Hi Tom,

I think it is very appropriate that you should be upset about the symptoms returning. It really stinks.  I know it doesn't help you, but it happened to me as well. Many times over.  It is the worst.  You will recover.  I know those are trite words but I think if you hear it from someone else it might help just a tiny little bit. Hang in there buddy, I know it is awful.

RS

[eymen23]

On 5/10/2019 at 7:47 PM, Tom37 said:

Thanks Rachel,

 

My waves were generally very similar for the most part until the last one and this one where feel quite a lot different. 

 

Really thought I was on the right track as waves were getting less severe and gaps inbetween were getting longer and even went three weeks without one so feels like a big backwards step.

 

I guess just have to carry on and hope that I can actually get through this and become stable although the longer it goes on the less I believe in ever getting better.

 

Tom,

 

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much, especially after having more frequent windows recently.

 

Please try to remember that even those who aren’t going through this process have bad days and weeks. It is only natural to attach a lot of weight to how you feel in the moment, but in truth how you feel now, doesn’t signify much for the future. It may be that this is your last ever wave at your current dose, who really knows?

 

Trust that somehow, things can and will improve over time. You may also find that taking the wave and it’s symptoms for what they are (temporary experiences that you have got through before) and accepting them the best you can, helps to reduce your suffering and fears for the future. 

[Tom37]

Thanks mate......I know from earlier on that all symptoms come and have all either gone or significantly reduced and all waves come to an end. It’s just so hard when you feel so much better to then feel so bad again. Even stopped thinking about withdrawal for a bit as was going so well. 

 

Hopefully this his type of wave is the last of its kind.

[eymen23]

46 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Hopefully this his type of wave is the last of its kind.

 

I really Hope so Tom. Either way I trust you’ll get through it! 

[mdwstrx]

Hi Tom.  You will get through this... again. And the windows will continue to grow longer until the waves "all melt away".  💜

Hang in there mate!  Praying for you still. 

[nick1990]

Hey Tom , you’ll be sweet mate . It’s how it happens . 

Six months isn’t a long time . Stability after such instability takes time. Far more time than we’d like , but it’ll come right. It’s frustrating as anything but with time it will sort itself out . Don’t buy into the symptoms- it’s not easy , but seeing them as temporary (which they are) will help with accepting them.

 

during these waves , you need to be good to yourself . Calm is key . You’ll make it through this fine and everything your feeling mentally is part of this process and you will go back to being yourself soon enough . 

 

Hugs to you bro 

[Tom37]

Thanks everyone. First time I’ve felt I needed some support in quite a while so really appreciate it. First wave in a while were both physical and mental symptoms have been quite strong.

 

Your right that 6 months isn’t that long and I know when I had symptoms during tapering it could take a couple of months for them to completely resolve by holding so not surprising that I’m still dealing with it considering how bad a crash it was.

 

It seems 12 months after a bad crash is quite common to get stability and possibly even longer to get back to being symptom free. 

 

Thanks again and hopefully will be out of this wave soon and hopefully baseline will have improved some more!

[Tom37]

So started feeling a bit better yesterday but still in this wave or these new symptoms that I’m going through. The horrible feeling of being ill has eased but still lingering around. Feel lit bit shaky like when your sick and while it’s not nice it’s far more tolerable that feeling so bad. Hopefully these ease through the week. 

 

I think one reason why this hit me harder was that it effected my stomach for the first time and I had gastritis years ago which was a nightmare and thought oh **** that again but I’m 99 percent sure it’s just wd. But I know I’ll still stress a bit about it until it resolves.

 

Last two nights have got 6 or 7 hours sleep so that is good. 

 

Just keep trying to remind myself that every symptom I have had as either completely gone or massively reduced so surly this stuff will to.

 

[Dejavu]

Glad to see you've improved a bit. This too shall pass. You have to back up and get a running start in order to scale a wall. That's all it is. You got this!!

[Tom37]

Bit of an update.....wave did come to and end around Tuesday but was left with a few symptoms which were more frustrating than anything. They were ‘new’ feelings to which always cause me to get a bit anxious about them.

 

Anyway yesterday (Friday here) I had the best day in a while. The physical feelings I have been having were very low and emotionally felt great. Had long periods where almost felt normal. It’s days like that we’re you think yip this will end and surly can’t be far away!

 

Unfortunatly had a poor sleep last night, was just wide awake for some reason and this morning while I don’t feel as good as yesterday it should be an ok day.

 

Have been getting anxious thoughts that I normally don’t get (no physical anxiety symptoms) and then next minute they are gone and back to normal so I’m pretty sure it’s just wd but makes you wonder. Also been getting memories come back about random things that I would never ever think about. It’s things like this that make you aware this ain’t over yet and then I get scared about what is still to come.

 

It’s also frustrating that seem to have lost a lot of confidence in things that I normally am fully confident in, such as work. I did my job in the midst of full wd yet I wonder if I can handle it with where I’m at now!

 

Just can’t wait for the day when I don’t even have to think about wd and this is all a distant memory....if of course that ever happens.

[RachelSusan]

21 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Also been getting memories come back about random things that I would never ever think about.

Wow, me too.  I thought I was the only one that was doing thing.

 

22 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Just can’t wait for the day when I don’t even have to think about wd and this is all a distant memory....if of course that ever happens. 

I can't wait for that day to come for you, and it will.

[Tom37]

Luckily the memories aren’t bad ones but still it’s like ‘where did that come from!’ Had them on and off through this wd and ‘on’ at the moment.

 

Hope your drop goes well...take care!

[Tom37]

Just noting......So actually been a rough day today and quite possibly entering into another wave.

 

For some reason waves seem to be coming thick and fast in that a wave starts and last about 4 to 5 days and then eases over a couple of days then I get a day or two of feeling really good then another wave starts. Been like this the last three to four weeks when the 6 weeks before this waves where every two or three weeks so was having far longer windows. Only positive at the moment is that the good days are really good, probably better than ever....they just don’t last!

 

Feels like I’m stuck two thirds up the wd mountain. Surly though it must mean I’m healing. 

 

Anyway today started with emotional symptoms which where not pleasant. All sorts of neuro emotions, memories out of now where and worst of all this feeling and the thought that I should die. Completely and totally not ‘me’ and definitely not what I want or plan to do. Not fun to deal with but had them before so no panic. Then the physical symptoms started with the weird nausea in my chest and horrible head, chills and then hot. 

 

Nothing I can do about it so it is what it is.

[Tom37]

Definitely back in a wave. So bloody frustrating and just absolutely kills your hope of ever getting better. It’s soul destroying, it really is. Do wonder what is the point of carrying on. I’m 6 months out from crashing and held the same dose that whole time and still having waves where I struggle so much. You do really wonder what is the point in living like this. If they where happening once a month or something then so much easier to handle but it’s just wave after wave at the moment.

 

Stabilty always happens they say. Yeah right.

[Tom37]

Apologies for the above post! Although try to be honest in how I’m feeling sometimes i maybe go too far. Don’t want anyone to think I’m in crisis or anything. It was just a moment of total frustration at this whole situation.

 

 Thanks 

[RichT]

28 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Apologies for the above post! Although try to be honest in how I’m feeling sometimes i maybe go too far. Don’t want anyone to think I’m in crisis or anything. It was just a moment of total frustration at this whole situation.

 

 Thanks 

 

Well I don’t blame you! 

 

R

[RachelSusan]

 

3 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Apologies for the above post!

Hi Tom,

As always, you remain thoughtful of others even while going through h*ll.  Thank you for your consideration.  I do think you are entitled to vent and I don't think you went to far. This is probably one of the most frustrating and hurtful situations you will have to go through in your life.  Right when we think we are coming out of it then wham, another wave hits us. It is horrible.  You will pull out of it though.  I am sorry for the bad days you are having right now, but good days are coming.

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel as always. 

 

I guess because i was feeling like I had reached about 80 percent in my recovery that getting to 100 percent (or close to it) would be far move easier with longer windows and less intense waves but so far not to be. Probably over estimated how well I was doing. I’m sure this ‘cycle’ of waves that I’m in will end soon and hopefully will see more improvement when they do.

 

One thing is for sure is that I will never give  up as surly if I have improved to this point more improvement I’d just a matter of time.

[jozeff]

Hi Tom,

 

Wonderful to read your topic again and learn from your story.

Too bad you ended up in this terrible wave. I know how frustrating things are.

Especially when you think you reached some stable plateau and then...boom, things start shifting and the worries and symptoms begin again. This is absolutely not uncommon, I can tell you that.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I even live and some days are perfectly fine. That is soooo frustrating. 

It feels like loosing a good friend when the wave enters. I have to say goodbye to the wonderful feeling and let the devil in.

 

You start thinking so much about your dosis and the way you are doing everything.

 

You have to tough it out! Don't mess with your 4 mg! I'm struggling since last August and still don't feel stable but started a very slow taper anyway. You took pretty big steps and updosed again after that, exactly what I did ...

 

I know this feeling man. Life is slipping through your fingers and you're stuck.

 

A window will enter and you'll have much clearer vision on what to do.

 

Wish you the best

 

Jozeff

 

 

[Dejavu]

Tom, how are you doing today?

[Tom37]

So managed a decent sleep of 5 to 6 hours last night. Well decent for wd anyway. Actually get by fine on that amount so guess I’m lucky in that regard.

 

Do feel better today and not suffering like yesterday. Still in the wave but its eased quite a bit which is surprising as usually have two or three days minimum where it’s at it’s peak. Yesterday was just horrible, felt so ill at times that I was even grimacing with the odd moan and groan in discomfort, which was actually quite amusing in a way. Have to be able to have a laugh at this ridiculous condition on occasion I guess.

 

Even though in a wave I still managed work ok which I think shows that the waves must be more manageable as in the beginning I couldn’t even get out of bed, then improved to being able to get to work but was a big struggle to now being able to work relatively ‘ok’ in them. My job is office based so that helps.

 

So hopefully feel bit better tomorrow but you never know when in a wave or with wd.

[Dejavu]

Glad to hear this news! I was just getting ready to check on you!!

[Tom37]

Bit of an update....

 

Been out of the last wave since last Tuesday I think so things have been a lot better since then. Still have the same ‘feeling’ that I was having at baseline the last 4 to 6 weeks but it has changed a bit so I guess things are still getting worked on. 

 

One thing I have noticed is that I’m a lot more sensitive emotionally than I have been pre wd. Any type of criticism at work or any possible confrontation really gets to me a lot more. Find myself going back over these situations again and again.  Feel vulnerable I guess and lacking confidence in myself. I’m guessing this is withdrawal and I hope it eventually resolves itself. Be great to hear if others have experienced the same thing!

 

Work has been a bit stressful this week but handling it well so far. It’s all out of my control but impacts what I do. Definitely couldn’t have handled it if was in the first 3/4 months of wd. Maybe I’m more resilient that I give myself credit for.

 

Sleep has seemed to improve since last wave. Actually slept till 6.30 one morning and this morning it was 5.30 with one wake up. For so long it was awake at 4 to 4.30 and that was me.

 

So overall doing ok as fully functional but an very self protective. Getting better but it’s slow going. Do get bit frustrated and down at times about this situation but trying to focus on the future and how awesome life is going to be when I’m done with this.

[Tom37]

And looks like now heading back into a wave....wonderfull!

[RachelSusan]

Ahhhhhh Tom,

So sorry to read you are heading back into a wave. Let's hope for a short and mild one.  This whole process really stinks.  I feel for you buddy.

Rachel

[Dejavu]

I'm sorry too. I hope its a very short one.

 

And yes, I am sometimes hyper-sensitive. Last week at band rehearsal I blew an unintentional slight way out of proportion in my head. I had to keep telling myself "this guy is your friend and would never hurt your feelings on purpose." I finally had to leave because I felt a meltdown brewing. Its 100% withdrawal. Do not fret about it.

[Tom37]

So definitely in a wave....been feeling physically average all day with waves of nausea coming and then going. Weird nausea as not actually in my stomach if that makes any sense. Just feel unwell. I just wish I knew why it makes me feel like this. 

 

The emotional symptoms are tough to deal with, this increase in being so sensitive to everything is horrible! I even actually had a cry for the first time in forever, actual tears running down my face. This whole situation just got too much for me. Will I ever get better? How much longer can I take going through this?  Can I handle work like this?......just a load of questions and self doubt about everything. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me really are. Keep making mountains out of mole hills.  Everything just seems to be magnified a million times. I’ve never felt like this before in my life so I just hope that it settles down as it’s horrible. 

 

 

[Tom37]

Having worst night in a long time. Just feel so terrible, so unwell. Can’t keep still and get comfortable. Racing thoughts to add to it that won’t switch off. Will be zero sleep night. Hopefully it eases so can get some sleep tomorrow night.

 

No idea why this has hit so hard. So unfair. 

[mdwstrx]

Hi Tom.  Sorry to hear the wave is so bad.  Pls. remember, no matter how you feel now, it gets better. 

Thoughts and emotions change.  They aren't you.  You're strong so hold on 'til you feel better and you will! 

[Tom37]

Thanks!....just really really bad wave at the moment for some reason. Got me quite scared. It’s the mental symptoms, the rumination etc that you can’t control that are the worst it’s been. Throw in physically feeling terrible and not doing very good. 

[Tom37]

Well got through work day....lucky enough not to have to do a full 8 hours. Still feel terrible and struggling through this period. How you can go from feeling relatively ok or maybe ‘better’ to feeling so bad is ridiculous.

 

Feeling like this will be around a few more days as usually intensity starts to ease by now but not this time.

 

It’s times like this that make you so disheartened about this whole process. You go through so much but it just seems never ending. Really do start to question if stabilty will ever come. The waves were getting less instense for a while and had some longer good windows but this last 4/5 weeks has just been so much tougher and then this wave comes along. 

 

Please someone one who has been through this let me know that it’s ok to have intense waves again after feeling so much better. That it doesn’t mean I won’t recover.

 

Feel like I’m going backwards big time. Hopefully will allow me some sleep tonight.

[RachelSusan]

24 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Please someone one who has been through this let me know that it’s ok to have intense waves again after feeling so much better. That it doesn’t mean I won’t recover.

That someone would be me.  I have been through it.  It is rather standard to have  intense waves after feeling so much better. You will recover.  It stinks  but it is very common. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

[Tom37]

Thank you Rachel as always. You just read about the waves that should be getting less intense and the windows longer then when you stop going in that direction you feel like your doomed forever.  

 

Hopefully i turn a corner soon. 

 

Hope your going well!