Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Another thing I need to note is that last night I took 2mg of Valium. Thought would help calm my mind with the intrusive and racing thoughts and maybe allow some sleep but it didn’t do much if anything. Think would have needed a tranquilliser to knock me out with how I was feeling last night. 

 

First time in about 4 or 5 months that I have taken one and back then it was only on a couple of occasions when in deep wd. So annoyed and disappointed with myself! Hopefully it won’t set me back.

[Dejavu]

Just a one-off, buddy. Shouldn't bother you. I'm just sorry you felt you needed it. I hope tomorrow is a better day. 

[nick1990]

Hey @Tom37

 

Thanks for your kind words mate. Yeh, im pretty chuffed with myself, even though i often don't feel like that - ive done pretty well so far. This process is NOT easy. Its just not. BUT it can be very do-able, without interfering with life too much. 
Im sorry that you are in such a tough spot right now, i really am sorry. But know that most of us have been there Tom, and we've made it through it.

 

As someone said to me back in 2015, i'll say to you - Tom, you are in the thick of it right now. There isn't much to do other than wait for it to pass. And it will pass. During this time you should try and practice self soothing as much as possible. 

I remember when i've been feeling soooo terrible that self soothing really helps. Just lying down, hot water bottle, warm tea - calming music, warm baths with epsom salts, deep breathing and practicing mindfulness and acceptance . 

 

Its just another wave Tom, it will pass and you'll go back to feeling well again. 

As for it cropping up after feeling so much better. It happens. It doesn't mean much, other than you're in a bad wave. Healing is not linear. Id bet that in a few weeks time you'll feel better than you did a when you were at your best last month. Stability will happen, its just frustratingly slow. Remember , this isn't you. Its just the drugs and it will pass. One day you'll look back on these troubling times and not even remember what it felt like. 

[RusTW]

Tom heads up valium has a long half life.i did the same thing took 2mg

Nothing.wasted hope lol

[Tom37]

Thanks guys.

 

Just a weak moment I’m afraid. It’s so easy to be sucked into the right now instead of looking at the bigger picture.

 

 

[eymen23]

8 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Thanks guys.

 

Just a weak moment I’m afraid. It’s so easy to be sucked into the right now instead of looking at the bigger picture.

 

 

 

Hi Tom,

 

Please don’t be too hard on yourself for taking the 2mg of Valium, you were just trying to help yourself to feel better. 

 

Indeed, it can be very hard to think long-term once the fight or flight system is engaged. It is a very primitive mechanism designed to solve dangerous (whether real or perceived) situations immediately. Naturally, this can lead to somewhat impulsive or short-term type thinking. 

 

Did you try any self-care techniques such as deep breathing, light exercise, mindfulness etc? Sometimes these can offer us just enough relief to make it out the other side of a sticky spot and to avoid any longer term damage or difficulties. 

 

You will get through this. 

[Tom37]

Felt a bit better last night, enough to get a bit of sleep, about three hours I think but was still feeling quite bad once I woke hence not going back to sleep but at least I was able to stay in bed and didn’t have to keep getting up and pace and move around. Although it’s come  back stronger this morning so going to be a long day. Definitely the most instense wave in a long time and quite scary and as always feels like it will never end. It’s a double hit with physical and emotional symptoms. Emotional always the hardest to deal with.

 

Will be a day of taking it easy, doing what needs to be done and looking after myself.   It’s a long weekend here on NZ so that helps. Been going over coping techniques from on here to help.

 

Do intense waves meaning greater healing is being done? I guess no one knows for sure but would be nice if it does. Have to have some benefit to this suffering. The last few waves I have t really seen much or any increase in my baseline afterwards. Sometimes I think the healing is so subtle that you don’t really notice it hence why recovery can take so long.

 

Bit worried that this period will really knock my confidence. It’s Plus if I can get intense waves after doing so much better that means they could also last a lot longer. Before this I knew more waves would come but they had been manageable so out of a wave I didn’t stress about them but now the game has changed.

 

 

[Tom37]

If anyone has any tips that they use when coping with waves let me know as is my weakness. I use my own Cbt which works to a certain degree and try to accept the symptoms but it’s the fear of it never ending or that it will trigger my own anxiety that always get me.  

[mdwstrx]

 

50 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

If anyone has any tips that they use when coping with waves let me know as is my weakness. I use my own Cbt which works to a certain degree and try to accept the symptoms but it’s the fear of it never ending or that it will trigger my own anxiety that always get me.  

I've learned a new mindfulness technique from acute wd that helps me to overcome the fear of fear.  Focus on your breathing, quietly for 10-15 min.  During this time, if thoughts or feelings distract you, note them but let them pass like clouds in the blue sky of your otherwise healthy mind. To note them, imagine you touch them with a feather.  Eventually, you can begin to label them as either a thought or feeling; pleasant or unpleasant.  Once noted, return your focus to breathing and let the cloud pass. You are the blue sky, not the clouds.  They can't hurt you.  Only your reaction to them can and your blue sky mind controls that.  🌞

 

I've been getting a lot of hot flushing in tapering.  At first, my mind thinks, 'oh no, here it comes'.  I tense up and feel panicky.  I've learned now that I can just let it go.  I pray that Jesus will take it from me and then I make my muscles relax.  It seems to dissipate much quicker.  I don't fear a 'spell' as much now and I'm successfully putting this technique into practice with other things like anxiety etc...  

 

Also, ASMR is a great calming distraction if you experience that phenomenon.  

 

Praying that things get much better very soon.  Remember too, that you're not alone in this.  Knowing that helps me to keep a bigger perspective.  As you know, the waves pass eventually.  Until then, take heart knowing many of us are walking the same path and care about you and your quick recovery. 💜

 

[Tom37]

@brassmonkey Hi Brass, 

 

Not too sure if you have ever read my intro but to keep it short. Tapered down in 1mg decreases over about 13 months from 10mg down to 4mg (pill weight was 14mg to 4mg) then went from 4 to 3 and crashed badly. 6 and a half months later still struggling for stability. Have seen gradual improvement and waves were getting easier and windows longer although still never symptom free. In windows or baseline feel about 70 to 80 percent and sometimes even better. Had a period of three weeks where thought stability must be just around the corner but wasnt to be. Last 4 weeks though it’s been medium waves every 5 to 7 days and now been hit with biggest deepest wave since the beginning. Haven’t done anything different. Same dose same time every day.

 

I’ve read you essays about wd a lot and from that it seems like it can take a year or sometimes more to stabilise but this recent setback as got me concerned. Just wondering I guess from your experience that what I’m experiencing is quite normal in having bad waves this far out.

 

Understand i tapered too fast and paying the price for it.

 

Ive probably answered my own question and I’m sure anxiety over wd is making me seek out reassurance that what I’m going through is ‘normal’ in trying to stabilise.

 

No problem if your too busy to reply.

[brassmonkey]

Hey  Tom-- I hate to say that feeling so bad is "normal" but yea, it's normal.  The good thing is that you're experiencing a very clear window and wave pattern, which is an excellent sign of healing.  Unfortunately that pattern is going to throw a really bad wave at you once in a while.  It's always surprising just how long it takes to stabilize, but you're getting there.

[Tom37]

Thanks Brass, really appreciate it. Windows and waves is definitely me that’s for sure. Good to know I’m on the right track despite this current and hopefully temporary setback.

 

Anyway, got through my Saturday ok so far. Plenty of rest and a small walk after trip to supermarket has been about it. Felt rubbish but avoiding basic things like that make me lose my confidence for some reason. Always know we are more capable that what we think.

 

Hopefully will have a better night and feel bit better tomorrow. 

[sunnysideup69]

Hi Tom,

Found your thread yesterday. Just dropping by to say hello and you're not the only one taking a while to stabilise.

I'm taking 10mg citalopram, it was an updose last August 2018. I'm still settling 10 months later, it has gotten much better, but it has been a long old road.  I am having less severe waves now, in terms of length and symptoms. Things do gradually start to even out. I'm even having stretches of feeling 'normal/happy.'

 

Just wanted to give you some encouragement. It's unsettling when stabilising takes a long time and it's easy for that to cause anxiety, in itself, but you're getting there. Hang in there

 

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Better night, got around 6 hours sleep. Still not feeling very well though. Symptoms seemed to have changed a bit which causes bit of concern as previous waves have basically stayed the same from starting to ending. Hope this normal for this to happen but anytime your pattern changes you start to wonder what is happening. This may have happened in the early days but can’t remember that far back.

 

The normal thoughts of ‘ is this my new baseline which means I’m going backwards’ etc are there but starting to accept that this wave is a bad one and will end when it wants too. Nothing I can do other than self care and try to remember it’s temporary.

[Tom37]

Another day down.....still not feeling very good but a better nights sleep always helps. 

 

Probably bit better than yesterday but slight shift in symptoms so trying to accept that. Annoying thing about this wave is it makes me feel fear about things I normally wouldn’t even think to feel fear about. Stuff to do with work and other things. Maybe it’s because I just feel quite unwell so don’t think I can handle it  or maybe just a wd symptom itself....who knows but either way it sucks!

 

Only positive of today was that Liverpool (big fan) won the Champions League just a shame I’m not well enough to properly enjoy it.

 

Hopefully feel better tomorrow.

[Tom37]

Similar night as in 5 to 6 hours sleep. Feeling bit better but still in this wave. Mornings are always the worse, it’s the disappointment of waking and still dealing with this. Kind of think that the morning will bring significant improvement and obviously that doesn’t happen....it’s wd after all not a bloody cold but you always have that hope and it’s always dashed. 

 

Because this wave has been so deep it has created a bit of my own anxiety about the situation. Find me asking myself ‘how will I cope today if feeling so bad’ ‘how will I handle work’ etc....even though I managed on Friday when felt so terrible on zero sleep.....never really had that in waves in last few months because I could always work through them. So think a bit of cbt today will have to be done.

 

I read a lot of members suffer with anhedonia which thankfully I have not had...as yet. All I want to do is to be able to get back to the things I enjoy, my golf, my running, travel etc. Yesterday I told my partner my goal/dream is just to be able to run along the boardwalk again like I use to most days. If I can do that then I know wd is behind me or very close to it! Sounds so sad but it’s those things that you want back so badly.

 

I guess I should be positive and declare this another day closer to recovery even though the fear of this never ending is real.

[Altostrata]

What are you doing for exercise, Tom? Can you do anything?

[Tom37]

Hi Alto,

 

I walk almost every day. When not in a wave it’s generally for at least an hour and when in a wave I always get out even if for just a short one. 

 

I’m not quite ready for anything more strenuous at the moment but hopefully that will change soon. Think I would be a bit paranoid about it setting of a wave or more symptoms so until I’m feeling close to normal and have been for a while will stick to walking. Then when ready will gradually get into it. Swimming may be the best option when I get to that point as less strenuous on the body.

 

Think I miss it so much because I always found it a great stress reliever and the high  would always last well into the next day. Great for me mentally plus just generally enjoy it. Better than any anti depressant could ever make you feel!

[sunnysideup69]

On 6/2/2019 at 4:54 AM, Tom37 said:

Annoying thing about this wave is it makes me feel fear about things I normally wouldn’t even think to feel fear about. Stuff to do with work and other things. Maybe it’s because I just feel quite unwell so don’t think I can handle it  or maybe just a wd symptom itself....who knows but either way it sucks!

 

 

Oh my gosh, yes! I get this and it's often about really bizarre things. When most recent wave started, I felt afraid to sit in the living room. Random. I think it's a dysregulation thing. I have certainly never been scared of a sofa before..... 

You've managed work on zero sleep, that's pretty amazing. It's probably one of this situations where you feel you won't be able to do it, but you'll be fine when you get there.... In fact, it will be better because your mind will be occupied. 

Sending good wishes for an end to this particular wave very soon. 

 

 

[Tom37]

Got about 6 hours sleep last night so that was good. Think I’m coming out of this wave so will see where this puts me in terms of baseline and what current set of symptoms I’ll be dealing with. They always seem to change after a wave. Sometimes big changes others more subtle.

 

Was definitely hardest wave in a long time so hopefully it means plenty of healing went own but who knows what waves really do mean other than suffering.

 

Will see what the next few days bring.

[sunnysideup69]

43 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

 

Was definitely hardest wave in a long time so hopefully it means plenty of healing went own but who knows what waves really do mean other than suffering.

 

 

 

Yes! I 'm gonna borrow this view and apply it to the whole of May. Thank you.

[mdwstrx]

Glad to hear things are settling down.  I also know about random fear.  It's the mind's way of healing from what I've read.  All kinds of emotions are triggered.  You're doing well surfing these waves Tom.  Hoping stability is here or right around the corner for you.  

[Tom37]

Definitely coming out or now out of this wave. Usually takes a few days to settle into current way of how I’m feeling.

 

Do feel different after this bad wave than previous ones of late. Think there is a definite slight increase in baseline but because of how I now feel it’s still hard to judge. Definitely significantly better from those first few months.

 

Taking me a bit mentally to get over how hard the wave was as it really made me struggle to function so bit of fear there about the future etc. I know my confidence will build up again but then another wave will probably hit and back to square one....the joys of going through wd!

 

Hope everyone is doing ok.

[Tom37]

Another decent night...about 5.5 to 6hrs but no wake ups for a change. Definitely out of this wave so functioning fine. 

 

Todsy is more of of a day where I have been so frustrated with life basically being put on hold because of wd. It’s work then walking then normal everyday things we all have to do. Can’t plan anything and can’t do the things I enjoy. Throw in the thoughts that this will never end and it’s been an average day. Not depressed or anything just pure frustration at watching life go bye. If you knew for sure you will get better then wouldn’t t be as bad but you just don’t know with wd.

 

Not having a moan or anything just noting how I’m feeling.

[Tom37]

End of day and a nasty day with thoughts of never stabilising and wondering what the whole point of everything is if it’s never going to happen....then start thinking maybe it’s time to start reducing....idiot....hopefully have better day tomorrow.

[mdwstrx]

Hey Tom.  How I know the feeling. 😕 It seems life is going on about us as we are struggling for our mental health due to this drug.  But we are learning something about acceptance, perseverance and humility among other things.  I think that we must dig deep and avoid the negative for our own good - and for our loved ones.  But..., I'm having a hard time with that as the old brain screams negative as soon as I wake up and many time throughout the day. It tells me I'm gonna be like this forever, struggling for normalcy.  Fortunately, I can distract myself (where as in acute wd, that was near impossible.) But it's a chore. 

 

Another poster is doing grateful journals. It's a great idea in addition to sharing our reality about how we're faring on this journey.  I may start doing that each time I post.  Hopefully it will balance out my negative.  Did you have any good things happen today; positive feelings tucked inside there?  In addition to your thoughts of never stabilizing, which are real for you, do you also have dreams of stabilizing? (of course).  What will you do when that happens?  Me, I have to focus on downsizing and selling my lovely little place in the country as it's gotten too much for one person.  So I am trying to dream of a cozy little place tucked away elsewhere that I can take my furry little friend and prosper on a smaller level.  It will be hard to leave my acreage and nature for a place in town but such is life and I'm looking forward to a new chapter when this crazy wd settles.  And then, it's back to very careful tapering.  

 

What's your plan when things settle? Do you want to share? I'd like to hear. 💜

[Tom37]

Thanks MD,

 

Sounds quite sad but for a lot of wd every night when going to sleep I have thought about the things I want to do when over this. Just sometimes there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel and I will be the chosen one who won’t get better. I guess it’s more of a fear of getting ‘stuck’ where I’m at. My partner though thinks I have improved significantly since those first three months and some times I agree but I guess because my symptoms are still changing it feels like I’m not.

 

Just seem to be so much more sensitive emotionally at the moment and have been for last month or two. I’m guessing it’s just a certain part of my brain getting repaired and hopefully not the new ‘me’ but I have to say I absolutely hate it and find it difficult to deal with. Give me just physical symptoms any day. Hopefully this phase will pass (if it is wd) and I try to remain positive it will but after almost 7 months of this it does drain you and does test yor belief in healing.

[sunnysideup69]

@Tom37 'Just seem to be so much more sensitive emotionally at the moment' - yes, this does seem to be a feature of recovery, have also been a bit more tearful than usual. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I actually feel like my 'normal' emotions are a bit more available than when fully under the drug influence. But am also really over sensitive to criticism, which isn't so good 😐

 

You've got many more better days ahead of you- hope today is one of them 

[Tom37]

Quick question if anyone has any thoughts.....want to do some weed spraying and usually use round up but am concerned about using any chemical while dealing with wd. Would use gloves, glasses and mouth/nose mask. Are my concerns valid? Thanks 

[nick1990]

Hi Tom . Honestly mate , whether or not in WD, I would highly encourage not going near Glyphosate. There are plenty of eco friendly, organic products on the market now which work well on most weeds.

 

What are you specifically targeting ? 

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Just dropping by to say, how ya doing?

[Tom37]

Bit of an update......so since Saturday have been feeling a lot better emotionally which indicates the sensitivity I was having was part of a wave or a symptom in general. Quite amazing how you can go from feeling like I was to what at times seems like my normal self. I think feeling like I was for those weeks has made me lose a bit of confidence in myself - like it’s a hangover from how I was feeling. 

 

Physcially I still have symptoms but they are low and relatively stable. Just really one symptom that is really stopping me from being close to myself and holding me back. It’s too hard to explain - one of those weird wd feelings.

 

Sleep has actually been quite good. Seem to be getting 6 hours or even more and even sleeping until 5.30/6am. Plenty of vivid dreams but that as been a hallmark of Lexparo for me even before wd.

 

So overall feeling like I’m stuck at around 80 percent but it’s a changing 80 percent as in some things get better only for others to fall back a bit so staying about the same. Fully functional so work is generally fine just a few symptoms to go before I’m really back into life.

 

Hopefully soon I’ll climb up the wd ladder again.

[mdwstrx]

Hi Tom,

It's great to hear things are looking up!  💜 Keep us updated as things progress. 

Things are better here too.  Little by little.   

[nick1990]

Good to hear bro 🤙

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

So nice to read your latest update.💚

[Tom37]

Just checking in.....nothing has really changed since last update. Still at baseline and have been for three weeks physically and two weeks emotionally. The three weeks for the physical symptoms is the longest for quite awhile so that is a positive. Still have physical symptoms but they are generally minor and tolerable. They do change but no waves.

 

Emotionally I know I’m still not ‘me’ quite yet. Still have periods of weird random thoughts (nothing bad just weird if that makes any sense) and random memories out of nowhere. But no depression or anxiety and the sensitivity has either gone or is very low. Do find myself questioning how I feel after certain things have happened  because of how I was reacting when in the last long wave which is annoying.

 

Sleep as been ok apart from last few days where not quite so good but an average or not so good night now seems to be around 5 hours without waking which was a good night a few months ago. 

 

Do have days when get very frustrated about not being able to live like I want and of course dealing with wd. The worst is feeling like I’m ‘stuck’ and this is it! It’s so easy to lose hope about recovery even though I am significantly better. Still have  the fear of being the one who doesn’t get there. Patience is not a virtue I have. Occasionally I feel so close to being normal I just feel like I’m being teased...it’s torture!

 

So that’s me for now at 7 and half months out from a big crash.