Tom37: Lexapro taper

[sunnysideup69]

Hi Tom, was here before as Ruthmcg, still following your progress. I haven't had the specific situation you describe, but I would say it's highly likely that your nervous system is letting you know you overdid it, and you won't have undone any hard work. It's just a warning signal to let up. It's frustrating to feel heightened symptoms after being so much better, but it's that good old anxiety telling you you've undone your work. It will pass again. 

Sounds like you've been making great progress, by the way, that's amazing. I know it's frustrating how long it takes. I spoke to a friend yesterday who cold turkeyed off Citalopram, and it has taken her a year to finally feel like she's making headway. You're doing great! All of this is normal to recovery.

Your symptoms will let up again. They always have done and will continue to do so. Wishing they bog off for you any day now

[sunnysideup69]

Tom, thanks for your message on my thread. I've got the week off, so I can at least just do nothing much at all, today gonna lounge around on the sofa.Like you, I've been feeling worse for 4 days, and it's been since walking a LOT last week. As in about 14k.

 

How are you feeling today?

[Tom37]

Last two days symptoms started to ease up and yesterday felt pretty good again with any symptoms very very mild. Felt like did before I had this last self inflicted wave if not better. Unfortunately had a bit of a stressful evening and didn’t get to bed till midnight and starting feeling unwell again. Not like I use to but along with the stress just couldnt get any sleep. I’m such a big routine person when it comes to sleep and I struggle when get out of that. Had been back getting my normal 6 hours ish without waking.

 

Just shows how sensitive my nervous system is even to stress that normally wouldn’t be much of an issue. Hopefully will be feeling better tomorrow.

[sunnysideup69]

Yes, it does. Hope you get some good sleep and feel better.

[Tom37]

Hi @RachelSusan

 

Sorry to bother you but just a quick question for you. When your were  recovering from your withdrawal did you find that your nervous system got more stronger the further along you got? As in more tolerance to stress, or excerise etc?

 

I’m assuming that’s what happens and that it just takes time but as you have been through it just thought you may have dealt with this.

 

Guess I’m just a bit worried that it won’t and will have have to always be super careful about what I expose myself to.

 

Anyone else who wants to answer this or who has experienced it then go for it.

[RachelSusan]

Hi Tom,

That was my concern as well. It did take time but I am now at 100% normal with my CNS. The recovery is slow and it kind of sneaks up on you, then one day you realize you are just fine. 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks @RachelSusan.

 

I thought that was the case and would continue to get better over time. Just nice to here from someone who has been there themselves.

[sunnysideup69]

On 10/26/2019 at 8:48 PM, Tom37 said:

Unfortunately had a bit of a stressful evening and didn’t get to bed till midnight and starting feeling unwell again. Not like I use to but along with the stress just couldnt get any sleep. I’m such a big routine person when it comes to sleep and I struggle when get out of that. Had been back getting my normal 6 hours ish without waking.

 

Just shows how sensitive my nervous system is even to stress that normally wouldn’t be much of an issue. Hopefully will be feeling better tomorrow.

Yes, I really get this. Had a bit of work stress last week and it hit me for six. Had a very anxious weekend as a result and am now knackered as a result. Hope you've turned the corner again x

[Tom37]

Actually been bit of a struggle lately. Not like early withdrawal but feels like I have gone backwards in the last couple of weeks compared to how much better I was feeling for those couple of months. 

 

More the emotional/mental symptoms that have made a comeback after pretty much been gone. Bit fearful or certain situations, wd depression and just not feeling right. The seem to vary in intensity each day and one moment I can be feeling what feels like normal then the next moment they come back. Physically just been feeling not as good too so overall feels like a few steps back but I’m hoping it’s just temporary and will be feeling better soon.

 

I’m still functional and nothing like the first 6 months where the waves left me almost incapacitated but it’s not fun and has definitely had me questioning if I will ever get better. Also coming up to a year since I crashed so that has been on my mind a little as life as never been the same since and who knows if it will ever be.

[sunnysideup69]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

 

I’m still functional and nothing like the first 6 months where the waves left me almost incapacitated but it’s not fun and has definitely had me questioning if I will ever get better. Also coming up to a year since I crashed so that has been on my mind a little as life as never been the same since and who knows if it will ever be.

Sorry you're having to experience another wave, Tom. It sucks, really does. Our systems can take a good while to heal, that's for sure, but they *are* healing. I'm also not surprised that the year anniversary is playing on your mind a bit. I think anniversaries do, even if we aren't consciously aware of it.

This too shall pass. Hang on in there. And when it does, hopefully your baseline will again have improved. You had two really good months, you are healing for sure. Sending good wishes your way, that you feel back to optimum very soon. 

[Tom37]

Thanks @sunnysideup69.

 

Im sure in time it will pass although like always you do doubt it. The emotional symptoms are the worst as always think if it’s just ‘me’ and not wd but everytime so far it’s been wd.

 

Hope your feeling better after your work issue. Im have a lot of experience of that type of situation from my wd and it’s always about letting time pass but don’t be hard on yourself if it happens again as it’s not your fault.

[Tom37]

End of day for me and it’s been the toughest for a good while. Think this wave has been creeping up on me over last week or two going by how I have been feeling of late and now it’s full blown with everything ramped right up. Probably the most emotional/mental wave in a long time.

 

Opened up big time to my partner about how I’m feeling which I hate doing but needed someone to listen. Don’t like dragging her into it or making her worried. She is great and gave me a big talk about how far I’ve come and how I have got through every other wave etc....she is so supportive of me and so lucky to have her.

 

Hopefully will get a better night sleep tonight and hopefully this wave will end soon.

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

7 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Thanks @sunnysideup69.

 

Im sure in time it will pass although like always you do doubt it. The emotional symptoms are the worst as always think if it’s just ‘me’ and not wd but everytime so far it’s been wd.

 

Hope your feeling better after your work issue. Im have a lot of experience of that type of situation from my wd and it’s always about letting time pass but don’t be hard on yourself if it happens again as it’s not your fault.

Thanks Tom. I guess the whole incident shows me the current state of my nervous system very well.

Yes, we always doubt the symptoms are WD, don't we? It's such a predictable response, like clockwork. It's not you, it's the darn taper and restabilising. It will correct itself again. Just read your update from a couple hours ago, hang in there.Your girlfriend is right, you've come such a long way, this is another wave you will get through.

[thelegend]

Shoot Tom, sorry you find yourself in another wave, very discouraging isn’t it. At least you know that you have felt much better and it will get that way again. Just got to ride this out and look forward to more improvements on the other side.

[Tom37]

Thanks @thelegend.

 

Better sleep last night of 6 hours without waking but this wave continues on in full force. Haven’t had one like this in s couple of months or more. It definitely is a natural wave and not one caused by myself from exercise or anything. 

 

Hopefully an increased bsseline once it’s done. 

[Tom37]

Another work day done....think wave at its peak at the moment physically and emotionally. Managed to get through the day but everything at work a bit stressful at the moment which crates issues for myself and our team. Doing my best to not let it effect me but my wd wave mind comes up with all sorts of emotions and feelings about things I normally wouldn’t think twice about. Everything gets magnified and then doubt myself over everything from being able to carry on working to sleeping again. Wish I could just cocoon myself from the world while my mind is like this.

 

My partner was trying to tell me how much better I have got and we went over all the symptoms from the early months and she was right....a heap of them have gone and never returned so going by that everything should keep slowly getting better. 

 

[mdwstrx]

Hi Tom. Sorry to hear you’re still fighting waves.  However, sounds as if symptoms are better. I’ve been tapering for some time since crash last Nov. and am down to 4.35 mg.  

 

I have been researching the Keto way of eating after reading how good it is for depression and anxiety and so many other health benefits. Following it for the past two weeks, I really feel good. Tapering is going better because of it I believe. Might wanna check it out. 

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks for the link @mdwstrx

 

Haven t seen you much on lately which is a good thing as I know it means your doing well.

 

Yip still getting waves but overall a lot better than those early months which is the main thing. Was feeling a lot better for a couple of months and couldn’t really relate to wd that much which which was a nice break but I guess I was starting off from a pretty bad place so had/have  plenty of healing to do.

 

Keep up the good work tapering.

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Feeling even worse this morning. Not much sleep because of symptoms plus we have a spring heat wave and it’s like middle of summer with very warm nights this week.

 

Just really struggling at the moment with physical and mental symptoms in full flow. Thought I was over these big waves but clearly not.

 

Just a real struggle at the moment and this wave as knocked my confidence of ever getting better big time.

 

If anyone can reassure me that this is ‘normal’ and to be expected it would be greatly appreciated.

[Tom37]

Hi @brassmonkey

 

i know your busy so no worries if you can’t answer the below.

 

So im 11 and a bit months out from a bad crash and for the last two months I was feeling the best I’d felt with no waves just at baseline. I still had a few symptoms but they were mild and tolerable and at times I felt ‘normal’. Anyway I have now lurched back into a big wave with both emotional and physical symptoms going full on and it’s like the ones I had earlier on and it has scared me. I guess just after some reassurance from someone who has seen it all before that this is ‘normal’ to experience even after feeling a lot better for a good period of time. 

 

I was expecting more waves to come but wasn’t expecting to have such big ones after feeling so much better. 

 

Guess I’m hoping my wd journey isn’t unusual and still on track to recovery.

 

 Thanks 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Tom-- I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a bad wave after experiencing a great window. I hate to say it, but that's the way the window and wave pattern works.  It's the total pits.  With any luck this wave will be shorter and the next window will be longer.  That's the way the pattern usually works.  Try not to panic over it, you've been through bad waves before so you know how to handle yourself and that it will end in a very nice window.

[Tom37]

Thanks @brassmonkey appreciate your reply.

 

I think I have found this wave harder because the gap in how I had been feeling to this wave is the biggest it’s been so the fall as been greater than in the past and it’s  been hard to get back into wave mode.  But I will get through it and hopefully to feeling like I was if not better.

 

 Thanks again.

[sunnysideup69]

Hang in there Tom, it will go again. Do you think also that the wave is actually as bad as early days waves? Or do you think it seems so because there is now such a start *contrast* between right now and how you've been feeling over the last two months? Maybe it's both. Either way (or both), one thing is certain, ie that change is inevitable. Thanks for your support on my thread this week, has helped me to be a bit more rational. 

 

Edited to say, just saw your comment above. Yes, I think the contrast is a lot to do with it. 

[sunnysideup69]

Posting you this as a reminder. I'm sure you've watched it many times, but this is what's happening. I'd say you're getting closer to that 'solved' rubiks cube in your current taper spot.....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQtO6HXJfjw

 

[Giulietta]

Hello @Tom37

 

Just popping by with  some support and encouragement for you. Your experience is the unfortunate way it is - so far as everyone else is saying - esp. the  mods - and me as well. It is so frustrating. I and you (and others) are in WD 'normal' and can deal lwith the symptoms and function fairly well most of the time. Then a big wave. It truly stinks. Family and friends wonder why on earth why you are wobbly on your legls and have to sit, why you can't think clearly and remember a nything in addition!  If it makes you feel any better - I am 20 months out from 2 CT (cymbalta) with the same nasty wave over the past 2 weeks.

 

This too shall pass... 🤗

 

 

Giulietta

 

[Tom37]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 and @Guilietta.

 

I know I’m getting there and am healing and hopefully the ‘rubicks cube’ that is my cns will finally click into all the right places sometime soon.

 

Had better sleep last night, about 5.5 hours. Very hot here at the moment with a spring heat wave which is making it feel like middle of summer but that should pass in a day or two. Getting air con installed in bedroom in couple of weeks so that will make summer nights more pleasant.

 

At the moment symptoms still the same so wave still as was. At least it’s not got any worse and this probably is the peak of it. Hopefully it starts to ease up over next few days so work is more manageable next week.

 

Just trying to focus on that waves always come to an end and this dreadful condition is just temporary.

[Giulietta]

Hello Tom,

 

This is a helpful and positive approach -

 

3 hours ago, Tom37 said:

waves always come to an end and this dreadful condition is just temporary.

 

I remind myself of this when I am in a wave - and that it will leave me when it is ready to .  That being said - I didn't follow whether you considered this wave as bad as 'early days'?

 

What types of things help you get into wave mode ? Is it just knowing that it will pass?

 

6 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I'd say you're getting closer to that 'solved' rubiks cube in your current taper spot.....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQtO6HXJfjw

 

Thanks @sunnysideup69 for posting this. I'll watch this.
 

On 11/7/2019 at 2:20 PM, Tom37 said:

Just a real struggle at the moment and this wave as knocked my confidence of ever getting better big time.

 

I read your comments again. When you think you're past the worst of it and have some improvement for even a while - it takes the wind out of your sails. I wonder how much longer my recovery will take.

 

It's easy to forget that healing is not linear.

 

Do you track your symptoms?

 

Hang in there. 

 

Giulietta

 

[Tom37]

Thanks @Guilietta

 

I guess when I go into wave mode I just try to look after myself better. Meaning not pushing myself so plenty of rest and just a few other things I try to soothe myself with  all while trying to get it through to me that this wave will end and feeling better will happen again.

 

So still getting through this wave. Felt pretty bad this morning but still got up and did a little bit of work and then went for a drive out to a beach for bit of a walk. Try to keep things as normal as possible if I can as staying home doing nothing isn’t good for me. I guess that shows me that this wave isn’t quite as bad as the earlier ones as with them I was often in bed for two or three days until it slowly started to ease but mentally it still feels horrible, still think it will never end and can’t remember ever feeling good.

 

Hoping for a decent night and maybe feeling bit better tomorrow but could easy go the other way so what will be will be.

 

 

[Giulietta]

Hello Tom,

 

Did you sleep 'well' last night?

 

I hope today may be a better one for you - or if not - you try to live as 'normally' as possible. Some days I can't think straight and follow a schedule or list of to do's - anything so this effort goes out the window.

 

Hoping for the best but expecting a disappointing day may be the way to approach this during a wave. For the past 2 weeks I have had to forewarn a friend that I may not be able to go to church because of imbalance, weak legs, dizziness, etc. He is supportive but doesn't get the severity of it. While many people do not have a place in their lives for faith - mine has developed during this WD and become an important part of my recovery.

 

As a person who worked in the sciences (including a biotech and CRO for 15 years) I see more than ever that man when left to his own devices could do better. 😕

 

So I am 'bummed', as Americans sometimes say, when missing the service. 

 

8 hours ago, Tom37 said:

staying home doing nothing isn’t good for me. I guess that shows me that this wave isn’t quite as bad as the earlier ones

 

Comletely agree. What type of things help you? Do you have a routine in place for when you feel down?

 

Seeing people - familiar faces I  interact wtih and experiencing a change of scenery help me enormously.  Visiting the grocery store cafe for coffee is my go to. The cafe is also a busy place so other patrons - many of whom are friendly and may also feeling down (and feeling alone!). 

 

Hunkering down and paying more attention to self-care helps during those times.  @sunnysideup69 suggested - when she catches herself falling into a catastrophe hole she distracts herself with some techniques that help her. Does this help you?  Do you have a list of things you can do  to make you happy? . 😕  I will try this out and see if it helps so I don't have to be creative when my mind isn't very sharp (undestatement).

 

I am inclined to believe the same -if you can get out more often and to more distant locations (beyond the local towns) it shows big improvement from being bed bound.   Still - it is disheartening. One thing that helps me put things in perspective about my own situation which may feel futile (like the past 2 weeks) is to see the tough waves of  @Erell and @mustafa going through their waves - and the successess of @brassmonkey

 

I find this helps me too when I am feeling up to it.

 

Sorry this is not well organized and redundant - brain fog  this mornign and visionbeter too -significantly - than  yesterday if you look at my morning post. 🤣 I used my communications skills for living to add insult to injury.

 

I have to make capsules / count beads for the next week and summon the energy for even a short walk on the treadmill. I think that 'a few minutes is better than no minutes. '

 

I hope your day is brighter and you do something nice for yourself. Greetings from the unseasonably freezing cold US - 22 F at 6 a.m. Will need to shop for a hat at the local shop TODAY.! Shopping at small local places - seeing the local faces - can be therapeutic. Good thing for VISA.

 

Kind regards and hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

 

 

[Giulietta]

9 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Felt pretty bad this morning but still got up and did a little bit of work and then went for a drive out to a beach for bit of a walk.

 

Just did a week of capsules. I also had a thought to share.

 

On the mornings (or in fact any other time) when I am feeling lousy  - I push myself to get out and mix with others. It honestly may take me a while of sulking, feeling bad about myself and this situation - until I have an epiphany - to physically put myself in a different place. I really have to push myself - but it helps. 

[jozeff]

Hi Tom,

 

Im sorry to hear you are having such a hard time after having had pretty nice windows. I know it is hard and doesn't feel fair at all but you will get in a window pretty soon. I hope this will last a bit longer and you will regain some energy to keep strong.

 

May I ask: are you still on 3 mg of Lexapro? If that is the case did you stabilize more or less on that dose?

 

Are you planning on tapering any further in the near future?

 

I'm trying to hold on 13.5 mg citalopram for over a month now and just when I'm feeling stable ...boom... hard symptoms hit me on the head. This stuff is so evilly surprising...

 

have a nice day and all the best.

 

cheers

 

 

Jozeff

[Tom37]

Thanks @jozeff

 

Still in the same dose and I won’t be changing until I’m stable. I honestly didn’t think I would be having this much trouble still after almost 12 months but I guess I was pretty badly damaged when I crashed. If I hadn’t seen any recovery I may have decided to just get off. Even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment I have come a long way so will keep holding until the waves stop. My way of thinking is if I’m having waves then my nervous system is still not happy so any reduction will only make it more unhappy and therefore make me worse. I also think if I’m having symptoms while in windows I’m still in wd otherwise why would I have symptoms especially when I had no side effects before tapering.

 

I see you you have been struggling so maybe a good long hold is what is needed for you.

 

Take care.

[Tom37]

Forgot to update earlier.

 

This wave still not relenting. Had another 5.5 to 6 hours sleep which is around my normal for wd. They hardest part so far is definitely the mental symptoms. The fear, the thoughts, the sadness and random memories are all there at different times. Physically still not good but it’s just this feeling of being so unwell that gets me and makes it hard to do much of anything.  Frustrated that all these mental things have come back as had been feeling ‘normal’ mentally for couple of months. Thought if I was feeling like that then that part must have been sorted out but clearly not!

 

Not planning on doing much today as just don’t feel like it. Maybe a small walk and catch up on some work to distract this mind of mine and that’s about it. 

 

Looks like this wave is going to stick around longer than previous ones so better get use to it. Looking like a tough work week ahead.

[sunnysideup69]

9 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Looks like this wave is going to stick around longer than previous ones so better get use to it. Looking like a tough work week ahead.

 

You're surviving it....👊 and the healing is still happening.

Perhaps it will suddenly spontaneously lift...these things can be quite unpredictable. Whatever happens, get lots of rest etc. Sending good wishes your way.

 

[sunnysideup69]

On 11/5/2019 at 9:51 PM, Tom37 said:

 Hope your feeling better after your work issue. Im have a lot of experience of that type of situation from my wd and it’s always about letting time pass but don’t be hard on yourself if it happens again as it’s not your fault.

 

Hey Tom,

Got a question for you, no worries if you're not up to answering cos I know you're in a wave at the moment. No pressure. Was just pondering the questions below.

Do you find work stress can knock you into a wave? How do you cope with work stress in WD, especially when in a wave? I find it really tough, I've just started up work again and I want to keep the rhythm and routine going.

 

And also, I hear you on the mental symptoms. They feel horrible. It's also quite strange how symptoms seem to morph and change....sometimes mine seem more mental, sometimes more physical, I find. The random memories! Oh my gosh, they are SO bizarre. Really can feel like 'the computer is rebooting' and basically chucking up old files.

 

I've only just noted your location, you must be morphing into Spring, I do recall you mentioned so before. A very soggy Autumn, here. 

[Tom37]

@sunnysideup69 will reply to you later.

 

Very tough morning dealing with it all. Wave has changed and continuing on and as it’s different from previous waves it does have me scared. Usually they take the same type of course but not this one.

 

Have next to zero hope of ever feeling better this morning. Just can’t see how I ever will let alone ever recovery from this dreadful condition so then getting up and getting through seems so much harder when it’s always going to be like this.