Tom37: Lexapro taper

[thelegend]

For real? Sorry man, hopefully it is just a blip and not a full blown wave. You deserve to get your big windows back!

[Tom37]

Yip for real....sometimes waves just hit out of nowhere without any reason for me. Also had really stressful times an no wave do who knows what it happened other than just feels like the continuation of current cycle of symptoms. 

 

I just wish I had one set of symptoms or one main one because mine just continually cycle and morph around which makes it feel never ending. I’ve lost count with how many physical symptoms I’ve had.....it’s just crazy that your body can be that messed up. 

 

Managed to get through the work day but now I’m a bit scared about tomorrow even though I’ve done this many times before. Each wave just destroys any confidence I have and then when the wave ends it’s like why on earth did I even think that I would never feel better again....hate it.

 

Hopefully I’m healing but maybe it’s not meant to be for me.

[sunnysideup69]

10 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Just seem to be going a period of windows and waves quite close to each other....with similar but slightly different symptoms each time. My stomach seems to always be affected at the moment as the weird nausea is back with terrible taste in mouth along with the other symptoms.

 

 

Hope it's a short wave, Tom. It's incredible, what a bit of work stress can do. Our nervous systems are recovering but still a bit hair trigger in WD. Plus, bad dreams nearly a;ways set me off a bit. Wishing this wave gives way speedily to a long window for you

[Tom37]

Bit of a better day today but still not feeling too good. Had a decent 6 hours sleep without waking so that always helps.

 

Busy at work so managed to get through it which was good and tried to get a few things done for tomorrow to make tomorrow easier incase I feel worse.

 

Hopefully will be feeling better soon especially with Xmas around the corner and everything that comes with that.

[Tom37]

Was feeling quite a bit better the last three or four days but current symptoms back ramped up again. Seems like they go from a 2 or 3 up to a 7 or 8 and then back down again. Same symptoms all the time just at different intensity. Guess some part of me is trying to do some serious healing as been going on like this since early November. Hoping for a break from this cycle soon but also have the fear of what symptoms will come next. 

 

Also a little bit sad at the moment as this time last year I thought I would be pretty much back to normal and able to enjoy this time of year like everybody else but not to be as still stuck in this never ending nightmare. We take our health for granted for so long and only realise how valuable it is when you lose it and all you want when you have lost it is to get it back more than anything in this world. For the suffering to stop so you can be free to be the person you know you can be. 

 

Hope everyone has the best Xmas they can considering what we are dealing with and hopefully we all get the gift of healing for 2020.

[sunnysideup69]

Ditto @Tom37, had a seven day window, now two days of feeling worse. More anxious. I too thought I'd be better by now.... but I made more changes, so kind of scuppered that. Its really frustrating to hold for so long, I know.

Likewise, I also pray we all find more stable relief in 2020.

Hang in there. Hope your Xmas isn't too demanding... 

[Katy398]

Hi Tom,

Im going through exactly the same. I’m nearly 1 year out from my psychiatrist,  recommended FT/CT. The waves within waves are extreme. One minute I’m ok, cooking for Christmas, the next I’m in a panic that I’ve ruined every dish. This is so intense,yes let’s hope we can heal in 2020. 

Take care,  breathe, breathe, breathe Kx

[sunnysideup69]

On 12/6/2019 at 5:45 AM, Tom37 said:

Thanks @sunnysideup69

 

Try not to put a timeline on stabilising as only setting yourself up for failure as the brain will get there when it gets there. 

 

 

Reminding you of your best advice to me, by the way. This whole process takes time. I know I hope to be better by certain points in time also, its hard to NOT do that. Remember; you had two good months. That's enormous. (I'm chuffed about having had a 7 day window last week.) Healing is happening. 

[rola]

@tom37@sunnysideup69

Hello,
I'm in a wave right now and it's very difficult.
I understand you, and I wish you a window;
The festivities are approaching and I'm sad that I can't be normal;
I wish you a good christmas party in spite of our discomfort. 😉

[Tom37]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 @rola And @Katy398.

 

I guess just feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment but sometimes it’s hard not to. Just wish these current symptoms would go as they are really getting to me. I know all other symptoms have been and gone so I’m sure these will too but just sticking around longer than i was expecting. I was thinking about the early months this morning and how I had what felt like a permanent headache for about 5 months that was always on the back left hand side of my head which normal pain drugs would hardly touch - but it stopped....or the horrible pain in my bones that lasted a few months on and off - but it stopped... plus numerous others that have gone. So going by the past this should go at some point as well🤞.

 

Was thinking about my weirdest (not worst) symptom so far and probably the wave I had where I had a vibrating right hand which just stopped as the wave ended....felt like a vibrating phone constantly going off in my hand....only in withdrawal could these things happen.

[Katy398]

It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself. We all go through this heaps. Withdrawal is crippling and at this time of year it seems to be exaggerated. Hang on in there Tom, hang on in there. 

Kx

 

[sunnysideup69]

29 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself. We all go through this heaps. Withdrawal is crippling and at this time of year it seems to be exaggerated. Hang on in there Tom, hang on in there. 

Kx

 

Totally agree.... 

[getofflex]

Tom I'm sorry you are going through this painful cycle.  I'm praying for you.  

[Katy398]

Hi Tom,

I get it I really do. I feel in the same situation. No sleep. Unable to cope with any level of stress. This wave is terrible. One year in and uncertainty of recovery. All I can say is we have to stick together and help each other out in our many hours of need. 

Hang on in there. Take care Kx

 

[Tom37]

Thanks again @Katy398 @sunnysideup69 And @getofflex.

 

I hope you guys are doing ok. It’s just so easy to get frustrated about all this...the ups and the downs etc.

 

Managed a good 6 plus hours of deep sleep last night so that is always good even though felt quite unwell in bed. Even slept better than my partner who was up a couple times as got a cold and didn’t even hear her. Still not feeling too good this morning but will battle on and thankfully not much work to do and hopefully feel bit better tomorrow to get through Xmas day.

 

 

[Katy398]

6 hours!!! what more could we want for Christmas, apart from the obvious miracle cure. But Ill settle for 6 hours at the moment. congratulations Tom little by little we are healing.

Kx

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Tom37, just dropping by to say I hope your Xmas has been okay. Maybe it has even been good, but WD being what it is.... 

[Tom37]

Hi @sunnysideup69

 

Xmas was actually not to bad as came out of the wave on Xmas eve. Been feeling pretty good but slumped back into another wave this morning so back into the thick of it. I still wasn’t feeling normal at baseline but a lot better than in the wave so was able to enjoy Xmas.

 

Pretty much the same set of symptoms in this latest wave so it’s still cycling around whatever is attempting to be fixed. Been like it since beginning of November so hopefully get a longer window at some point soon.

 

Hope your doing ok.

[Tom37]

Wave in full force now. Wouldn’t let me sleep last night as feeling so horrible physically plus affects me mentally as have intrusive and weird thoughts. Just makes me fell so ill and it comes in bursts then eases a bit then comes back again. I just wish I wouldn’t get these physical symptoms that make me feel so sick.

[sunnysideup69]

47 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Wave in full force now. Wouldn’t let me sleep last night as feeling so horrible physically plus affects me mentally as have intrusive and weird thoughts. Just makes me fell so ill and it comes in bursts then eases a bit then comes back again. I just wish I wouldn’t get these physical symptoms that make me feel so sick.

Yes, the physical symptoms are awful. Well, something is definitely being fixed and needs to keep being turned back off and on. Seems like you had a longer window followed by a longer wave... I think a really big window is coming for you. Not that this process follows much logic, but am really sending you good wishes for an enormous window. 

[Tom37]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 

 

Yeah it just makes me feel so unwell and that’s why I can’t sleep when it’s at it’s worse plus the weird random thoughts and having s great time.

 

Every wave last two months as been very similar but slightly different so god knows what is happening but you would think this cycle has to end at some point. Just wish I could get a couple of weeks in between waves but not to be at the moment.

[Tom37]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 

 

Yeah it just makes me feel so unwell and that’s why I can’t sleep when it’s at it’s worse plus the weird random thoughts and having s great time.

 

Every wave last two months as been very similar but slightly different so god knows what is happening but you would think this cycle has to end at some point. Just wish I could get a couple of weeks in between waves but not to be at the moment.

[Altostrata]

Tom, how has your symptom pattern changed since you updosed November 7? What times of day do you take your drugs?

[Tom37]

Hi @Altostrata

 

Just to clarify it was November 2018 when I crashed while tapering. Have stayed at same dose since and take it in the morning around 7.30am.

 

My symptoms have constantly changed and morphed throughout but things have definitely got better over last 12 months. I no longer get the horrible bone pain, the constant headaches, the hot and cold chills plus many others.  When I’m in a window or at baseline I feel ok and am pretty much fully functional apart from excerising. I still have symptoms but they are tolerable. The difference between a window and a wave is now quite a lot. Just since early November this year seem to have gone into a cycle of windows and waves with the waves very very similar but slightly different and the main feature of them is feel really unwell like having the flu but it’s not.....plus I get bit of nausea (not in my stomach - weird) and few other weird feelings and usually mentally I’m not right either. Feels like my nervous system is trying to fix this one particular area but can’t quite sort it out yet so keeps trying. I’m guessing this is normal?

 

Still plan on staying at my dose as have seen a lot of improvement just hope the rest of it comes soon or at least the waves get easier.

[thelegend]

Sorry Tom, hopefully you get some relief soon! I was curious, why did you go on the lexapro to begin with? Did it help at all? If so for how long, and why did you stay on so long?

[Tom37]

@thelegend I went on it for anxiety and panic attacks and I was really struggling at the time with it. Probably did help a little bit as it numbs those emotions but cbt was the big thing for me. I stayed on it as I guess I was a bit scared that coming off would cause a relapse and didn’t want to go through that again plus I had heard about withdrawal but only mild short term stuff and didn’t want to deal with that. Plus I didn’t have any side effects other than disturbed sleep so felt fine on it.

[Tom37]

Still feeling pretty rubbish due to this wave so unfortunately nye for me will be spent with an early night in bed and hopefully get some sleep tonight if symptoms allow. 

 

One thing I hate when im in a wave is that I start thinking  that I’m not going to be able to manage working etc because of how I feel. That any job would be too much for me. Then when I window comes itstotslky the opposite. Annoyingly I go through this with every wave especially if it gives me a sleepless night because my mind then starts asking if I’ll ever sleep again because of the symptoms. Even though I know the answer still happens every time. 

 

Anyway hopefully tomorrow is a better day but we shall see. Hope everyone has had a year of seeing some improvement and I hope 2020 brings a lot more for all of us and hopefully we won’t be on here come 2021!

[Altostrata]

Please add the year to the drug changes in your history.

 

Yes, constantly mutating waves of symptoms interrupted by windows is "normal." You might mark the waves on a calendar, see if there's any pattern that could be related to external factors.

 

Very best for the new year to you!

[jozeff]

Best wishes Tom,

 

You're absolutely right! I have these exact same feelings. I know I managed to get through it last time but each time I am in a wave I loose hope and think I felt like this forever.

 

Each time it passes but then again each time I'm scared to hell it will stay this time.

 

Recently you said that thing have gotten better in the last 12 months. Don't forget this!!

 

 

Cheers

Jozeff

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Joseff.....symptoms settled a bit last night so managed 6 or so hours sleep which is the norm for me at moment. I must be quite a deep sleeper as I slept through the fireworks the city let off which isn’t too far away and while used ear plugs still very loud. Still feeling like I have these last couple of days but sleep always helps. One thing that is different compared to the previous waves over the last 6 to 8 weeks is my stomach seems pretty much ok and nausea feeling I get is not even really there so something has changed. 

 

Been thinking about my progress and maybe how much longer this will last and think it’s going to be another year or two for me at least. Im guessing that I still have a way to go as it’s still all windows and waves and both quite close together and still yet to feel normal in a window. If I follow the way most recover then need my windows to start getting longer and better and waves not so deep and only then will I feel like this will actually end.

[Tom37]

Another day over with and while bit better than yesterday still struggling along with this wave. At least my ‘struggling’ at the moment isn’t like it was in those first few months but is still hard. Always think a good nights sleep with reduce the symptoms but it never does it just makes them bit more tolerable.

 

Was planning on going out to the beach but wasn’t feeling too good so a walk close to home and just taking it easy for rest of day and hopefully will start feeling better over next few days. While the windows and wave pattern I have does my head in I know I’m lucky to get windows where I can feel pretty good so I am grateful for that.

 

[thelegend]

Hold to this my friend, if struggling isn’t nearly what it used to be, that show definite improvement. Unfortunately for me, I am not sure I see much improvement if any, though I guess at 8 months of a hold, it is still fairly early.

[sunnysideup69]

@Tom37, hang in there, you've made great improvements. Stability is coming. Wishing you a happy new year 😊

[rola]

happy new year tom that this new year be filled with windows... 😘

[Tom37]

Thanks guys.

 

Had another decent sleep so that helps but still in this wave with no real let up yet.

 

Just hate the secondary fear that comes with the waves.....will I be able to work....will it stop me from sleeping....will it ever end. These thoughts don’t give me any physical anxiety symptoms and do manage to control them but they are there in the background . It doesn’t matter how many waves I have had they are always there during them. Then when the waves end I don’t really think like that at all. So frustrating.

 

 

[Tom37]

Got through another day. Still not feeling great but getting through it. Have been able to go for walks during this wave when a lot of the other times for a few days I just can’t manage it or if I do it’s very short. This wave is definitely a bit different than what I had been dealing with since early November so looks like the nervous system has decided it’s time to work on something else. You just wonder how many parts are still out of sync ....just like the rubix cube I guess.