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Tom37

Tom37: Lexapro taper

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sunnysideup69

Sending good wishes, @Tom37. A decent sleep is a good sign. Plus being able to walk a bit. These peculiar, morphing symptoms are strange, aren't they? 

You're right, the complex rubix cube of your nervous system is getting another twist around. I like that analogy. You can see it all coming together and the next moment, it seems in disarray again....but it's not, things are just being edged into place.

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Tom37

Really struggling tonight....3.30am and no sleep yet and for me means a no sleep night.....as just feel physically horrible in a weird way and weird random thoughts and images won’t stop. Keep thinking about a certain person for some reason that would never ever normally think about...not in the night anyway and there is no reason to as not causing me any stress or anything. Then add in some fear and occasional thoughts that I’m going to die. I’ve never ever had thoughts like this in my life so surely it must be wd. It’s like someone has taken over control. Just wish this wave would give me a break as it’s reall really pushing me especially the nights of no sleep.

 

Got me quite scared this one. Posting here to note this and to distract myself.

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sunnysideup69
31 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Really struggling tonight....3.30am and no sleep yet and for me means a no sleep night.....as just feel physically horrible in a weird way and weird random thoughts and images won’t stop. Keep thinking about a certain person for some reason that would never ever normally think about...not in the night anyway and there is no reason to as not causing me any stress or anything. Then add in some fear and occasional thoughts that I’m going to die. I’ve never ever had thoughts like this in my life so surely it must be wd. It’s like someone has taken over control. Just wish this wave would give me a break as it’s reall really pushing me especially the nights of no sleep.

 

Got me quite scared this one. Posting here to note this and to distract myself.

Good idea to post for distraction... do you have to get up for work tomorrow or are you on hols? I so empathise with the weird random thoughts and yes, it's definitely WD, it feels like they come from nowhere. Sorry , I know that doesn't really help you deal with them....but just know that it's not you, it's WD.

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getofflex

@Tom37, I'm sorry you are going through this misery.  I am thinking of you and praying for you.  Hang in there, it will get better.  Jennifer

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Tom37

Thanks......didn’t get any sleep which I expected feeling like I am. Will do a little bit of work from home today and hopefully feeling better for Monday.

 

This wave has hit me really hard and really does feel like I’m going backwards over these last two months. I just get scared that I will have to stop working as if I have nights like this in a row I won’t be able to cope. Part of me doesn’t mind having to stop working but I don’t want to be forced into it because of this.

 

Another part of me thinks I’m done and this is it as how can you ever recover from something like this. Feel like giving up as you try so hard to get through this but it’s just never ending.

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thelegend

Tom, I wish I could say something profound or life changing, but bottom line is, I am right there with you. Just remember that your waves always end and are usually followed by very nice windows. The shift is coming, just be patient. Sorry you are feeling like you are going backwards...alas I know that feeling all to well as well.

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Tom37

Got through the day. Wouldn’t class it as getting through though as pretty much been on the couch all day. Did manage to do what I had to for work on laptop and that has been it. Symptoms of just feeling so unwell very high just not up to anything.  As always lying down doesn’t actually make them ease it’s just slightly more comfortable. Always know it’s a bad wave when this happens. Can’t see this one easing soon so will have to battle on. 

 

If the waves could just stop being so deep I could then at least not stress about working but for some reason still getting hit hard and destroys all confidence in recovery. 

 

Life without waves and windows what a dream that is.

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sunnysideup69

Sending good wishes for this wave to pass very soon, Tom.

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jozeff

Best wishes Tom,

 

Don't try to fight it too hard. You will receive a window sooner or later that's for sure!

 

Very very recognizable. When I'm in a wave it feels like that will be the way we will feel from then on the rest of our lives. Our lying brain is so deceptive.....

 

Your tapering went well in the beginning but you went a little too fast in the low region. You are not destroyed! This is temporary!

 

It is surprising how long symptoms can hold, I struggle with that every day. I thought a month was a very long time but in ssri wd/taper a year is like medium long.

 

If only we had a date to hang on to when everything would turn to normal. That would help immensely in our struggle.

 

Hang in there, you are going to get better!!!

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

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Tom37

Thanks guys.....

 

Got about 6 hours sleep as symptoms eased up enough last night to allow for it. Still feel the same ones this morning so definitely still in this wave but they are so far lesser in intensity compared to yesterday morning. Wont be doing much today other than go for a walk and the usual daily things with plenty of rest.

 

Frustrating thing is underneath current symptoms I feel so good and that has continued to improve all the way along but just can’t get to a point where the symptoms stop.

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Altostrata

When we talk about "have patience, recovery is slow and frustrating," this is exactly what we mean. Slow and frustrating.

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Tom37

Thanks @Altostrata I understand it’s slow and frustrating. I do my best to be patient  but the setbacks do really test you and sometimes get the better of you. Onwards and hopefully upwards.

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Tom37

Bit better day today compared to yesterday that’s for sure. Same symptoms still there but less intense. Didn’t to a lot but got out for a walk, caught up on some work and a supermarket visit and then just relaxed. A cooler day which was nice since in middle of summer so that helped.

 

Hopefully another decent night ahead but we shall see.

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sunnysideup69

Fingers crossed your night of sleep is a decent one, @Tom37

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Tom37

Felt better again last night so was comfortable in bed but took a while to sleep. I then woke with a sore throat in middle of night but did go  back to sleep for a bit but may be coming down with something. Throat felt bit off before bed and feels the same this morning so see what happens. 

 

Back to work tomorrow and normally it wouldn’t bother me. First full week back always feels like a long week and takes a day or so to get back into the routine but because of the waves I’ve been having I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. Typically have a pattern to my waves and windows but all over the place at the moment. Is causing me some anxiety about it all - not major anxiety but it’s still there wondering how the hell im going to get through the week. Confidence at an all time low and if tonight is a bad night then will only make it worse. 

 

Cant wait till I don’t even have to think about how I’m going to be tomorrow.

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thelegend
2 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Back to work tomorrow and normally it wouldn’t bother me. First full week back always feels like a long week and takes a day or so to get back into the routine but because of the waves I’ve been having I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. Typically have a pattern to my waves and windows but all over the place at the moment. Is causing me some anxiety about it all - not major anxiety but it’s still there wondering how the hell im going to get through the week. Confidence at an all time low and if tonight is a bad night then will only make it worse. 


Try not to worry about “how will I be?” And try to just accept whatever comes. I know it is easier said than done and I am very bad at it myself but I think that is the best we can do. My vacation wasn’t even close to as good as I was hoping for making me worry I am just getting worse and wondering how I will cope back at work, but I am just trying to take the mentality that I will go to work Monday and deal with whatever that day brings, good or bad, then I will do the same on Tuesday. I think we make it all worse when we try to project how we will do and how we will feel. You got this bro, you always made it through work, even at your worst, certainly you can get it done now!

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sunnysideup69
9 hours ago, thelegend said:


Try not to worry about “how will I be?” And try to just accept whatever comes. I know it is easier said than done and I am very bad at it myself but I think that is the best we can do. My vacation wasn’t even close to as good as I was hoping for making me worry I am just getting worse and wondering how I will cope back at work, but I am just trying to take the mentality that I will go to work Monday and deal with whatever that day brings, good or bad, then I will do the same on Tuesday. I think we make it all worse when we try to project how we will do and how we will feel. You got this bro, you always made it through work, even at your worst, certainly you can get it done now!

I second this , @Tom37. Hope it all goes okay, you always get through it, every time.  You've got this!

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Tom37

Had another decent nights sleep and felt reasonably ok today withdrawal wise which was good. Managed day at work fine which was good and gives me a little bit of confidence back that I can carry on through this and it’s  not all horrible days. Have a head cold as well and while not a bad one I do wonder if it masks withdrawal symptoms. Either way it’s nice to feel different with having a cold than just wd yet bit weird as it’s 30c here today an middle of summer.

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sunnysideup69

Good news, @Tom37, hope your next day at work went well?

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sunnysideup69

Hey @Tom37

I'm hoping your absence means the wave ended - how are you?

Hey @Tom37

I'm hoping your absence means the wave ended - how are you?

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Tom37

Hi @sunnysideup69....yip wave ended and felt pretty good for two or so weeks. Felt better than I had done over the last couple of months so that was good. Back in a wave at the moment which came on yesterday morning with my normal but slightly different symptoms of feeling unwell, the chills, needed to urinate 7 times in the night, weird images of random people and weird thoughts when trying to sleep which when combined everything results in a sleepless night. Only positive is it doesn’t feel as instense like the last couple. Of course it feels like it will never end and can’t remember ever feeling better so dealing with that too. 

 

Frustration as well as thought may have turned a corner but not to be. Was even thinking of holiday overseas in a few months I was feeling that much better.

 

Hope your still doing well.

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Tom37

Forgot to add for my own notes that sleep has been quite good for me until this wave....6 or 7 hours a night without waking.....of course after last night wonder if I will ever sleep again like I was which is always the way in a wave.

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MissyE

Hi Tom

 

Glad this wave is less intense and you had a couple of weeks of windows. It's  tough this WD, but always worth persevering.  Every day we are healing  whether it feels like it or not.  Insomnia sucks.  t Could you read through the sleep hygeine stuff on here again; you may have missed something.  Or something new may work in this phase of recovery.

 

Are you in Oz with your warm winter?  It's bloody freezing here in England.

 

Peace and love

Missy 

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Tom37

Hi @MissyE

 

Yeah less intense so far but still makes things a stuggle especially work but you push through it. Sleep always goes bad when wave hits as I just feel horrible and it comes on in surges plus the mental symptoms and it’s just plain hard to sleep. Practice good sleep hygiene and out of a wave sleep ok.

 

In New Zealand so in middle of our summer but do prefer the cooler months.

 

Hope your well.

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Tom37

Hi @MissyE

 

Yeah less intense so far but still makes things a stuggle especially work but you push through it. Sleep always goes bad when wave hits as I just feel horrible and it comes on in surges plus the mental symptoms and it’s just plain hard to sleep. Practice good sleep hygiene and out of a wave sleep ok.

 

In New Zealand so in middle of our summer but do prefer the cooler months.

 

Hope your well.

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thelegend

@Tom37 - sorry to hear you are back in a wave, but hey a two weeks window where you were better than ever sounds like great progress. I just had a nice weekend window, but back to work and in a wave again it seems.

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Tom37

@thelegend Glad you had a couple of good days....shame it didn’t continue but you’ll get there.

 

Notes....well managed to get through the day. Thankfully I have a job where I can ‘work from home’ if need to so I did that this afternoon although lying on the couch since 2.30pm was all I could manage. Symptoms kicked in big time so wave in full force. Hopefully they ease to allow some sleep tonight. I think that’s the biggest issue I have is that it kills my sleep which just makes everything that much harder.

 

Hopefully this leaves me by Monday but exoecting a few rough days ahead. It’s only been a day and a half since it started yet feeling a lot better seems like it never happened. So jealous of everyone else living life as normal and here we all are struggling away.

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Tom37

Got about 5 hours sleep so an improvement but still wasn’t feeling well last night and again this morning. Will be another day to battle through although should be easier than yesterday.

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MissyE

Hey Tom,

 

A Kiwi l see.  Lovely.   

 

Glad you got some more sleep.  It's so hard trying to function on insufficient sleep, let alone having to hold a job down Good on you for that.    I hope today was better. 

 

I'm in a window, but have to manage the manic tendencies.  I'm not sleeping enough either and zero appetite.  Making myself eat well and rest though.  I'm due a cut on Friday so am hoping for the best, prepared for the worst.  I was doing 5% cuts 6-10 weekly, but I'm going to try a bit more this month approx 6%, because I'm comfortable removing a mini tablet at time and l think I'll be ok up to 10% if l wait til the right point in my cycle and cut 8 weekly(ish depending on cycle) as long as I'm stable.  I had a scare when I first cut 10%, but l now realise my baseline anxiety and depression was sky high anyway (and I have robust non drug coping techniques now) so apart from feeling a bit fluey, spots and boils and other manageable physical  symptoms (although my skin was shocking) l was actually ok.

Here's to a better night sleep and a window for you.  We know one is coming.  If only we could say when.

Peace,

Missy

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Frogie
6 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Got about 5 hours sleep so an improvement but still wasn’t feeling well last night and again this morning. Will be another day to battle through although should be easier than yesterday.

Hi Tom:

 

I read you were struggling on your taper and wanted to let you know you’ll make it.

 I did everything wrong that I could, and with a lot of help from this site and the moderators I got off of Lexapro. It took almost 4 years.

 I feel really good after being off of it, other than I had a wave at 6 months that lasted a few days and now anxiety from tapering off Xanax. But so glad I’m off the Lexapro.

Just know, slow and steady wins the race and you’re doing wonderful!

 I hope this helps just a little 😊
 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

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Tom37

Thanks for your post  @Frogie I have followed your thread and it’s great to see your doing so well. Hopefully the Xanax taper is going smoothly for you. I’m just trying to get stable so no tapering in the near future for me. Definitely getting better especially when at baseline/window but still getting hit with good waves so still a while to go but at least things are changing which must be a good sign. 

 

Cheers 

 

 

 

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Tom37

Another day done. Work was more manageable today mostly because got some sleep as symptoms still pretty much the same. I’m lucky I manage my day myself and office based so don’t have to interact with others all day. 

 

Definitely find wd worse in the summer as feeling bad is bad enough then add the heat to it and it’s that bit worse. Only another 6 weeks or so to go and it’s over with. Getting air conditioning in bedroom this winter gone was best investment ever.

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mdwstrx

Hi Tom. 
Stopping by to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with strong waves a year out. I remember how bad it felt in the midst of one. Even now, using  the BM slide, it amazes me how after a taper, my world can look so bleak. Even when a week before I was feeling pretty darn good. 
 

They say perception is reality and when our brains perceive pain, doom and gloom, it is so hard to remember that it’s chemical in nature. 
 

Wishing you a speedy recovery from this wave and stabilization so you can decide if you want to resume tapering to finally get free of this drug. 🌻
 

Md

 

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sunnysideup69
On 1/22/2020 at 4:21 AM, Tom37 said:

@thelegend

 

Hopefully this leaves me by Monday but exoecting a few rough days ahead. It’s only been a day and a half since it started yet feeling a lot better seems like it never happened. So jealous of everyone else living life as normal and here we all are struggling away.

 

Yep, I can relate to that feeling, @Tom37. When I'm low, it seems really unjust. Hoping that this wave buggers off for you, soon. Keep looking forward.

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Tom37

Another rough night. Went to sleep ok but woke after an hour and a half in what felt like a state of panic. It wasn’t a panic attack but woke to symptoms on high so couldn’t get back to sleep. Just lying here trying to rest. This wave really getting me at the moment but thankfully it’s friday and usually always sleep a lot better the night after a rough night.

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Snorky
10 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

Hi Tom. 
Stopping by to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with strong waves a year out. I remember how bad it felt in the midst of one. Even now, using  the BM slide, it amazes me how after a taper, my world can look so bleak. Even when a week before I was feeling pretty darn good. 
 

They say perception is reality and when our brains perceive pain, doom and gloom, it is so hard to remember that it’s chemical in nature. 
 

Wishing you a speedy recovery from this wave and stabilization so you can decide if you want to resume tapering to finally get free of this drug. 🌻
 

Md

 

Hi

 

When you say “it’s chemical in nature”... I thought the perceived wisdom on here was that it wasn’t. I ask as I’m currently sliding further and further down my doom cloud.  I trends to work from home today. (was a blessing while only dealing with fibromyalgia type symptoms) Now a disaster, obsessive thoughts and palpable depressive sensations. Utterly unbearable, and getting worse.

 

Thank you

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