Tom37: Lexapro taper

[mdwstrx]

Maybe different but I have found my mental state when all is said and done is like night and day when I feel well. I think we are so overly sensitized that everything is magnified. That won’t be the case when stabilized I think. Like the other day, when everything was back to normal for an hour, I felt strong like my normal self. Not the anxious neurotic I’ve melted into during the bad waves without sleep. A glimpse for an hour gave me something to hold on to. You had a few good days like that didn’t you?  If so, try not to discount them too quickly as they serve as a a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. If not, they will come and when they do, hold on to them tightly as a reminder. 

[Tom37]

I know what you mean.....when I’ve had better days and even yesterday afternoon I felt a lot better so had no interest in wd and being on here at all. It’s crazy how you can go from one extreme to the other. 

 

I guess its just the consistency that we are so badly wanting as the up and down nature is what makes it so hard for me. But we keep on getting on with it as best we can.

 

Thanks for your support today.

[Tom37]

Is it normal to be feeling so rubbish 10 weeks out from crashing? Felt so much better yesterday afternoon that even the wobbly/out of sync feeling was gone and now this afternoon today just feel horrible. Not the ‘flu’ type feeling thank god but it ain’t much fun.

 

This is just ridiculous how you can go from one extreme to the other so quickly.

 

Feeling a million miles away from ever being stable.

[nick1990]

Tom, sorry your having a rough day . After a proper crash it will take a long time to stabilise. Think in terms of months - and like I said , I wouldn’t hesitate in saying it can take a year. Stability gradually happens. It’s not that you feel horrendous for a few weeks and then overnight your back to normal . It’s a wave and window thing . There’s no pattern to it , it’s incredibly frustrating. Im so sorry that your in this situation , it’s not any fun - but all you can do is manage and cope as best as you can until the symptoms begin to ease and you return to feeling well again . Which you will , it just takes time. If it’s any consolation, even though I’m very functional, I’ve been in a bit of an on and off wave window pattern for just over 4 months now. The waves come and go but I can see that there is definitely an easing in intensity - it’s mostly all mental symptoms for me, so is quite frustrating at  times. But I know what this is , as I’ve dealt with it before and on a more intense scale as well . Stability happens , it’s just an uncomfortable process getting to that place sometimes but you will be so much stronger in yourself for going through this . 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Nick,

 

It’s definitely frustrating that’s for sure. Im definitely thinking months more than weeks which is easier to come to terms with on the better days but harder on the days you struggle. Everyone tells me that stabilising happens at some point and the big swings in symptoms will stop and if any remain they will be consistent day in day out. Seems like most people think it will never end when going through wd.

 

I see your in a bit of a window/wave period at the moment, hope it settles down for you soon. As you know most of my issues are physical but when the neuro emotions do come they can be so very unsettling so I hope you are doing ok and seeing the thoughts for what they really are.

 

 

[RachelSusan]

Withdrawal is a roller coaster ride.  What you are experiencing is perfectly normal in this state of abnormality. I don't want to play down how horrible it is though, because it is horrible, but you need not be frightened by it.  You will recover. You have already started recovering. Sorry you feel so awful. It does stink, big time.

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel.....

 

One positive is that the wobbly/out of sync/shaky feeling hasn’t been there at all since yesterday afternoon and hopefully that continues. 

 

I thought when this went I would be significantly better but unfortunately it’s been replaced by this feeling quite ill symptom(s) which has put me on the couch most of today.

 

Typical wd I guess....one goes and another takes it place.

 

 

[Tom37]

Better night last night...slept for 5 hours straight which is good for me. Still feeling quite unwell though....at work and will just get through the day. Hopefully it will ease up over next few days. Even felt like throwing up this morning but no actual nausea. Not bad enough to be in bed all day but will make everything a struggle.

 

Wobbly/out of sync feeling still gone but would rather that over this. 

[Tom37]

Hello,

 

Everyone on here always goes on about windows and waves and how important they are.

 

I had two ‘windows’ after crashing where all symptoms went for about 7 or 8 days but since then I haven’t had any ‘windows’ like it since. It’s been about 7 weeks. I have had better periods but always still had symptoms during these 7 weeks. Symptoms are still coming and going and instensity varies. 

 

So can you get better without experiencing the windows and waves pattern and just gradually get better? 

 

Or is a ‘better’ period even though you still have symptoms classed as a window?

 

I guess after my earlier periods of being symptom free that was what I was expecting again for any future windows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

That is a "normal" pattern of stabilization. When we say slow and frustrating, we mean slow and frustrating.

[Tom37]

Thanks....you hit the nail on the head there with slow and frustrating. Just wanted to make sure it was ‘normal’ with how it’s going. As long as stabilising does happen then this suffering will be all worth it.

[mdwstrx]

Glad to hear you got some better sleep.  It definitely makes things more tolerable.  I'm admire your work efforts!  I have succumbed to hanging at home most days since I'm early retired.  Can't really focus on much other than the computer when the anxiety is bad.  With the weather so cold, no desire to get out.  Friends keep calling me to join our normal morning sport activity but sadly, the anxiety and sensitivity has been stopping that. I hope to resume that soon, even if I have to drag myself there since I felt so much better getting out, seeing others and having some exercise.

 

Stay cool and hope your sleep is better again tonight. 🙂

[Tom37]

Thanks....hopefully you get on track again soon so you can enjoy your retirement which I’m sure is well deserved.

 

A question for anyone......prior to starting to taper I had no side effects from the drug apart from it affected my sleep. I was running 10km 3/4 times a week, playing golf and just felt normal. Just wondering if once I stabilise🤞am I likely to now experience any actual drug side effects or will any remaining symptoms be down to Wd?

 

Bit of a crystal ball question I guess but no harm in asking.

 

I do plan on having a very long hold once I do get stable as long as they are not side effects in which case I probably would want to continue to taper to hopefully reduce them.

 

Thanks

[nick1990]

Hey Tom!

 

Sorry for the struggles mate. It will work out though , just give it time.

 

In regards to your last question, I think the questioning and reassurance is actually a WD symptom , but I honestly , wholeheartedly believe that once your stable, there should be no reason for you not to be able to do the things you want , WITHIN REASON. E.g not overdoing things physically, getting plenty of rest, eating well, keeping daily consistency and your circadian rhythm in check. 

 

If if you haven’t had drug side effects before, I see no reason to have them once stable . I thought the same thing once I up dosed in 2015, that I was being plagued by drug side effects, however it was just another aspect of WD which passed with time. 

[Tom37]

Thanks Nick,

 

I’m working on the fact that as I had no side effects beforehand then that should be the case again once stable. I don’t plan on going all out with exercise or anything and will most likely be to scared too incase I set myself back. 

 

Could be a good while before I’m at that point but while still struggling this whole thing is always on my mind. When I feel better think about it way less and when in a complete window can’t even relate to it so don’t at all.

 

All people that I’ve seen on here have eventually stabilised even from reinstatement after a bad ct so I should get there.

 

Actually felt really good mentally today just like myself....just need the body to do the same.

 

Cheers

[jozeff]

Hi Tom, 

 

You will be stabilizing some day, that's for sure.

 

I'm waiting for 6 months to get stable but we have to wait. Patience is key here. I know it is hard man. Finding the courage to keep fighting.

 

Hang in there, you'll get there!!

 

Cheers 

 

Jozeff 

[Tom37]

Tough night last night.

 

Keep having this weird feeling come over me particularly in my chest, body was aching but different than before along with a headache, was hot and windy to finish it off. Kept having weird thoughts to and thinking about wd when normally I never do in bed. This resulted in only couple hours sleep.

 

Havent had to take a benzo in almost a month but I think tonight will have to as I’m totally worn out by this and struggling to cope. It just doesn’t get any better.

[mdwstrx]

Sorry to hear it was a rough night.  Can you elaborate more on the chest feeling.  It sounds like something I'm having. Specifically, it feels heavy and breathing 'seems' shallow.  Like when you have a chest cold and you breath in and can feel it's not quite right.  Don't know how else to explain.  I got out to play sports today and noticed it both before and during play.  Can still feel it slightly now.  Lastly, I know how precious sleep is.  Is the Benzo to relax or to curb your anxiety.  If the latter, Propranolol, does a good job and is safer if you can get. Remember your advice, save the benzo for the hospital trip 😉 .  

 

[Tom37]

It’s not like cold of heavy chest feeling....very hard to explain as never experienced it before but it comes over in waves for a few seconds then stops then comes back.

 

i would only ever take it to help me sleep and that has only ever been when feeling really bad that sleep becomes next to impossible.

[mdwstrx]

I understand and I know without sleep everything is magnified when you’re not feeling well.  I’m so sorry it’s such a struggle today. But it will change again for the better as the last couple of months have shown. Until then stay strong 💪 in faith that others have always healed. You are healing too. 

 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

 

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks, just so hard to believe in any healing when feel so bad that it’s hard to function. 

 

Just crazy how for me is its all these physical symptoms and feeling so ill yet for others increased anxiety seems to be often the main issue. 

 

It’s just so frustrating as I eat well, only ever do gentle exercise such as walking, try to rest and relax yet no improvement. Just constant ups and downs.

 

Try to accept the situation but when everyday can be so different and your only one moment away from taking a big turn backwards it’s so hard. But what can you do? Unfortunately absolutely nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mdwstrx]

"So, after crashing in November I've finally come to feel stable enough to start tapering again."  - this was taken from a March 2016 post in another topic.  Things get better.... 

 

I've come to realize a big part for me is perspective.  When I think of how the world looks like it's moving on as normal without me, I get more anxious and scared that things will never change.  I had a bit of a wake up call that I hope carries me though the next wave. I learned a friend was diagnosed with Parkinson's. I know she'll have a steep hill to climb.  Sadly, it's easy to see myself at the center of suffering when I feel so bad.  However, it's an illusion and I know, God willing, I will eventually heal. So many face life daily with uncertainty.  Many with much more grace than me.  So what can we do? Well, I choose to believe that our God is in control; of my friends Parkinson's diagnosis and most certainly of this. 💕

—Romans 8:28

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks for that....just hard to comprehend being like this for months on end. If it just eased up so didn’t get so bad like at the moment would be so much easier to manage. 

[mdwstrx]

I know.  I need reminded of all this next wave. 

[Tom37]

Thanks for that....just hard to comprehend being like this for months on end. If it just eased up so didn’t get so bad like at the moment would be so much easier to manage. 

[RachelSusan]

I too had primarily physical symptoms. It is a form of torture.  Relentless torture. However healing can surprise you.  Don't assume it is going to be for months and months.  Yes some people suffer for months on end, for some healing happens sooner. Everybody is different.  Just hang in there and get through each day.  My thoughts are with you and I hope for nothing more than a rapid recovery for you.

Warm wishes,

RS

[Tom37]

Your an angel Rachel. 

 

I know it could start getting better soon but because of the unknown makes it tougher. Yes it is s form of torture regarding the physical symptoms. They also make sleeping difficult when your aching or just feeling so unwell or the weird sensations. Then add in the stress from this whole thing.

 

Could be going through one of those ‘flu’ like periods at the moment with how I feel so if it is it should pass on a few days but then again it could be completely different.

 

Your post on Dave’s intro was awesome. Rammed home to me to about the importance of holding and when your struggling that’s when you start to think about ‘doing’ something.

[ChessieCat]

33 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Your post on Dave’s intro was awesome. Rammed home to me to about the importance of holding and when your struggling that’s when you start to think about ‘doing’ something.

 

I've quoted it below for your own reference.

 

1 hour ago, RachelSusan said:

Dave,

 

There is no such thing as a true "therapeutic range." It is a dosage that the pharmaceutical companies have come up with that they recommend a person takes in order to fight off depression or OCD or whatever the drug is being used for. Also that number is not connected to stabilizing. People stabilize on whatever number is needed to appease the brain and CNS which is in a state of turmoil. I wanted to get back to you right away on this so you don't stress. I'm sure your mod will answer you as well.

 

Please Dave, don't give in to the urge to make a change. Don't read into the above where I said "whatever number is need to appease the brain."  If you go chasing that Holy Grail you will hurt your recovery. Remember that making a change in itself is what can lead to more turmoil. In a state of withdrawal doing nothing is doing everything. I will repeated it again: In a state of withdrawal doing nothing is doing everything.  I don't care if you have to print it on a post-it and plaster it on your computer, you bathroom mirror, you car dashboard, whatever. Please please please don't make changes. Hold tight, get through each day and you will slowly improve.  Last spring you were doing much better because you hadn't made as many changes.  We all want to see you healthy and happy.

 

Warm wishes,

R

 

[nick1990]

Tom , believe it or not, my fellow countryman, there is a HUGE silver lining to all of this . It will be apparent to you once you stabilise .

 

We were all put on these drugs for a reason . Some reasons are legitimate, some are not. Either way, we’re all human and we’re all dealing with things. This process is a life changing one , it’s temporary suffering for long term healing and gain . When we’re pushed into a corner like this, it forces us to learn to cope and re evaluate our lives, our beliefs and our way of dealing with things. Once stable , after going through this transformation, our lives are so much wholer and pure. Coping with everyday things and thoughts is a walk in the park. 

 

Even though it’s horrible at the time, you will be grateful for going through all of this. It’s hard to see now - and I couldn’t see it or believe it before , but I know now that it is the truth. 

 

And by the way, RachelSusan’s post is so spot on . 

 

 

[Tom37]

I don’t know anyone personally who has gone through this but I bet once through the other side and over the whole ordeal then life should be a walk in the park no matter what you face. 

 

I know I post a bit on here especially when I’m struggling but rest assure I’m not going to do anything ‘stupid’ either to myself or with my dose. It crazy though the things you do think about when your struggling especially when you have moments of not believing you can get through this or that it will never end. I have such a fortunate life that I really enjoy (and worked hard for) and a amazingly supportive partner....just want to get back to it.

 

Rachal’s quote was perfectly put. She has been a great help so far.

 

Cheers

 

 

[Tom37]

Well managed to get through the work day even though feeling bad.

 

Tried to go for a small walk and while I managed that felt like an old man and 15mins later back in the car.

 

Did some reading on here and unfortunately came across someone who still isn’t stable 2.5 years after crashing. So that has totally scared the life out of me. I know everyone is different but that shows it’s possible.

 

Cheers

 

 

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

Did some reading on here and unfortunately came across someone who still isn’t stable 2.5 years after crashing. So that has totally scared the life out of me.

 

Might be better to stop the reading then.

[Tom37]

Was looking at a success story I think and then checked on a member who said was trying to stabilise from a couple years ago.

 

Was just looking for reassurance even though that doesn’t really work. 

 

Only do it when struggling as you never feel like it will end when you are. 

[Cheeky]

Hey Tom,

I've been reading through your thread and feel I could've written it myself. When your in a wave it has such a strong power over us it makes us so scared and vulnerable. Everything your going through is normal, you just have to remember it wont last. your not alone in this and this is the worst thing a human has to go through. 

Huggs to you

 

Cheeky

[jozeff]

Hi Tom,

 

I sense a feeling of hopelessness. This isvery very common in withdrawal.

The hardest part is not knowing when and if it will ever be better. Wel Most people will be better after some time that's for sure. When that will happen however nobody knows. I struggle with that everyday.

If we only had a date  to look forward to. It would be much easier but our bodies would be the same during that time. Our minds would be calmed by the thought of hope and that makes it bearable.

 

Without an end date we must focus on our healing and recognize our tiny improvements. Try to float with the misery and accept it as it is. Tomorrow is a new chance. I know how hard it is. I tend to think negative myself....I will never heal, I might be better of dead etc....but when I just do something I must admit these feelings flow away to a certain degree. Doesn't matter what, work, swim, read, listen music, walk the dog. 

Each activity changes you brain a bit and when your at your lowest point that might help immensely.

 

Cheers and good luck

 

Jozeff

[Tom37]

Thanks Cheeky and J,

 

Better night last night as got at least 5 hours sleep. The weird waves coming over me from the nights before stopped and wasn’t feeling as horrible or aching and no headache.

 

Waves definitely make you feel a sense of hopelessness. As your still struggling at 6 months while trying to stabilise doesn’t help as that could be me too. Have you at least seen improvements?

 

Off to work I go.