Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[RachelSusan]

I did CT at one point.  It was far worse.  I was not able to leave the house.  You are still managing to work. Try not to worry about tapering yet.  I know it's easy to say, not to worry but it might be a non issues. Most of us are able to taper with minimal problems and you will probably be the same.  Right now it's just a matter of stabilizing.

 

I know for a lot of motivated people the idea of holding is difficult. We all have that drive to fix something and we believe with hard work nothing is impossible.  However, and this is the big however, less is more.  I say this over and over: in this situation doing nothing is doing everything.  It was a difficult concept for me, a type A personality, but with withdrawal it is the what is called for.  Just keep telling yourself that by holding you are doing something.  Every day you hold is every day you are doing something to help yourself. Doing nothing is now proactive. Doing anything else is now destructive. You are sleeping better, which is huge.  Just hang in there.

[Dejavu]

@RachelSusan, thank you for being the voice of reason. I can work and leave the house, but barely. I can't seem to work without my husband with me (we are business partners), and even then I have to force myself to do the bare minimum. If it wasn't for the dizziness and visual problems, I think everything else would be manageable. But these symptoms terrify me.  It's taking so long to stabilize. I know I changed a lot until recently (4 dose changes and a switch to liquid all in 4 months), but the changes were tiny - could that really make much difference? The "stuck this way" thought never ever leaves me. I even dream about it. Its like my own body and mind are torturing me. I'm so tired.

[RachelSusan]

Dejavu,

 

First I want to acknowledge how terrible you are feeling. I know you are suffering and are trying very hard to keep working and hold it all together.  Both you and your husband are trying very hard.  I am so sorry that you are going through this. And of course you are tired.  Someone else on this site labeled it "battle fatigue." Oh boy is it ever.

 

As for "stuck this way" I do hear you.  I was there.  Even now with every taper I get fearful and think, "what if it comes back.......and stays!"  It's very hard to change our thinking when we have been traumatized.  I don't have any suggestions for that, but I do think as a few more weeks and a few more months go by and you see more and more improvement you will start to relax a little with it.  If you can come up with any ideas of your own on to relax with it please everybody else here know. I am sure you are dreaming about it, it is very much on your mind.  And who wouldn't worry about something like this?  I can tell you I definitely had symptoms that lasted months and months and it scared the crap out of me. However not all symptoms lasted all that time and not all symptoms stayed at the same level on intensity. Some came and went. I think I had burning skin for about two years and it still comes back every once in a while.

 

I did want to address your question about tiny changes.  You had no way of knowing but there is no such thing as tiny in this world of withdrawal once your CNS has been sensitized. Yes a tiny amount can make a difference.  I currently taper at the rate of 1/8 of a mg when I do taper, and I feel it.  Like I said, it is livable but I do feel it. That is somewhere around 3 to 4% of my last dose.   For now just keep on doing nothing. Every day that you resist the urge to change the dose you are indeed actively doing something, you are resisting.  😀

 

 

 

 

[Dejavu]

Another day...

 

Good news: slept 8 hours with only one awakening - this is huge, I know. Also a little less dizziness and visual distortion right now, but still very much present.

 

Bad news: I wasn't miraculously healed overnight. Again. 

 

Its five months today since my reinstatement. I'm still only marginally functional. Taking a shower, working a couple of hours at a time from home, going to therapy or into a store - these are all major accomplishments for me these days. 

 

Out of panic and ignorance (before finding this site), I probably reinstated too high of a dose (50%) after 1 month out of a rapid taper. Then in the past 5 months, I changed dosages up and down four times trying to find the elusive "sweet spot." I felt every change - up and down, and regrettably, reacted to those changes by changing more. I also switched to liquid during this time. I've been sitting still on 26.25mg for 3 weeks now. I know I haven't done myself any favors by changing so much, but I'm committed to sitting still for now. I'm very worried about staying on the meds for longer, and I'm fighting the strong temptation to "just get on with it."  The only 3 things I have going for me are (1) I'm on the "lower end" of the dosage spectrum; (2) I only have one drug to taper; and (3) I've only been on this rat poison for 2 years. But I'm acutely aware that the longer I wait, the more structured around the drug my brain becomes. 

 

So it seems there is no good choice. I either sit still on this dose, and it takes God knows how long to stabilize (I've seen it suggested that the higher the reinstatement dose, the longer it takes to stabilize - is this true?), and then at least a couple years to taper. Or, I CT right now and it takes a few years to recover, but I go through hell in the process, but at least I'm drug free. Or, I start to taper before I fully stabilize, and either suffer all the way down, or find that I feel better as I go. The first 3 months after reinstatement were pure unadulterated hell. The last two months have been merely hellish. I hate to sound ungrateful, but it's hard to see that as a gift. So I have to wonder how much worse tapering now would be. 

 

These are just musings; I realize the only option at this point is to sit still, but the doubts start to creep in when I think of all the ill-advised decisions I've made so far. Seems I haven't done one thing right. And my mind, my body and my heart are so very very tired. I'm missing so much of my life. And who knows if all the people I love and opportunities I currently have will still be around after (if?) I heal? 

[composter]

Dejavu, I'm reading your latest thoughts and I'm feeling concerned. I know you are simply venting and expressing, but I really don't think it is healthy to have a fatalistic outlook ("stuck this way," "if I heal," "don't know how much longer to go on"). I'm really sorry that you haven't seen much improvement over the past five months. But you HAVE made the right decisions in the end and you HAVE learned so much about this process to help yourself. 

 

I understand that this is a very hard place to be. You've heard the warnings from so many of us, do not CT. So I trust you know that would be a very poor option. I know you're tired and weary. This ordeal takes such a toll. But there is so much life ahead of you. This is temporary and just one season.

 

Personally it took me about 8 months to feel stabilized after reinstating my "rapid" taper. In some cases it can take a year or longer to stabilize. And that length of time is just fine!! You want to be relatively stable before tapering and you will get there. 

 

Glad to hear your sleep is straightening out!! If I remember correctly, a few months ago you were barely sleeping 4 hours at night. For the dizziness and visual issues you describe, may I recommend you look into physical therapy for vestibular-ocular rehabilitation? I personally saw a physical therapist for this, while suffering effects of a concussion, and it was very helpful in reducing vertigo and fatigue. They evaluated my vestibular system and taught me several exercises to retrain my eyes and neuro input. I hear this withdrawal ordeal resembles brain injury in many ways, so it wouldn't hurt to seek non-drug techniques for brain injury-like symptoms. I know you have a lot on your plate. When you get a chance, you can look into this by inquiring about "concussion rehab" or "vestibular rehab" at local PT offices.

[composter]

You may want to re-read Brassmonkey's post regarding stabilizing after reinstatement. He says it's not unheard of for someone to require 18 months to 2 years to stabilize. Keep it steady and remember that by "doing nothing" other than holding, you are actually being proactive. Better to "do nothing" than to risk far worse outcomes. 

 

 

[Dejavu]

@composter, thank you for being so kind and supportive. The problem is I find it frightening that I might be suffering like this for another year or more. I am barely functioning and am about to encounter some serious consequences - financial and otherwise - if I can't get it together soon. Like everyone else, I feel helpless and out of control. This is without a doubt the most terrifying situation I've ever encountered. Sorry to whine. This is just so tough to navigate while still grieving my mom and sister. I can never tease out for certainty what is wd and what is grief.

[Tom37]

Keep hanging in there....I’m at 5 months from crashing and trying to get stable and finally seeing some decent improvement. Just had a two week window where was about 80 percent. Still had symptoms but they were less in intensity.

 

In a wave now but so far it’s milder than previous ones so hopefully that continues but it is withdrawal so who knows how it will go.

[RandyJames]

On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2019 at 4:26 PM, Dejavu said:

 The problem is I find it frightening that I might be suffering like this for another year or more. I am barely functioning and am about to encounter some serious consequences - financial and otherwise - if I can't get it together soon. Like everyone else, I feel helpless and out of control. This is without a doubt the most terrifying situation I've ever encountered. Sorry to whine. This is just so tough to navigate while still grieving my mom and sister. I can never tease out for certainty what is wd and what is grief.

 

Hi Dejavu.  Sorry you're having a rough time.  I can relate to everything you said here and this truly is the most terrifying situation I can imagine.  It's just so unnatural and overwhelming.  I hope you start feeling some improvement soon.

[Dejavu]

@Tom37, so glad you are seeing windows! I'm 5 months out also, but from a reinstatement after too fast taper. It's been very intense. Just had the tiniest wave last night and this morning, but now...poof!... gone. PGAD is back - haven't had that in a few weeks. Dizziness, visual distortion and DP let up last night, but is all back today, with brain fog and really sore muscles. I can only hope these tiny breaks mean stabilization is on the way. 

 

I am proud of being able to work in the field today (instead of in my office at home), but it absolutely wore me out. Total exhaustion right now. 

 

@RandyJames, it is scary. I've been convinced for months now that I will be the one person who just doesn't heal. But it looks like I'm seeing occasional and very gradual improvement, just like everyone said I would. And you will too. I'm back in a wave as I say this, and yet I still believe it. I think that's progress.

 

I really believe healing from this rat poison is inevitable. I do get very despondent when the windows are so very brief and the symptoms come charging back in like they were never gone. But I figure if I'm having windows at all, that means more are on the way and healing is taking place. It has taken me months to see even a speck of improvement, and I was getting more and more concerned every day. I'm still worried, of course, but less so now that I've seen even the tiny and short-lived improvement that I have. 

[puthappinessfirst]

On 4/5/2019 at 11:24 AM, Dejavu said:

 

Bad news: I wasn't miraculously healed overnight. Again. 

 

🤣🤣🤣

 

This is Me every dang day.

[Dejavu]

1 hour ago, Dejavu said:

Just had the tiniest wave last night and this morning, but now...poof!... gone.

I meant I had the tiniest window, not wave.

[Dejavu]

OMG! I'm in the wave from hell! Started last night - all flu symptoms. Nausea, headache, muscle aches, hot and cold flashes, shivering even when hot, horrible fatigue. All symptoms are about 7-8/10. Back in bed; had to cancel my entire day. Again.

 

I don't usually get headaches, and I've never had one this severe. Strangely, though, no anxiety/depression. And I slept for 5 hours. So there's that. Hopefully, this is just another step toward stability. C'mon, brain, do your stuff!!

[Dejavu]

Question for the mods: I'm having trouble keeping anything down today, even water. What if I throw up tonight's dose? How long do I need to keep it down? I'm on 100% liquid. I'm just curious about the absorption rate.

[composter]

Oof I've definitely been there, with the waves that come out of nowhere and that make physical symptoms so much worse but are absent of emotional symptoms...Or vice versa. The key here is you can compare it to your worst waves or your worst state and see that it's not THAT bad.

 

And it will pass. It always does pass no matter how hellish it seems. Just got to hold onto your safety bar and ride that rollercoaster. Hoping you'll come out of the wave feeling like repairs have been made! 

[Dejavu]

@composter, thank you for your response. Today the muscle aches and nausea are better (but still there), but a little anxiety and dizziness have returned. The fatigue is a bear, but I'm sleeping and having pleasant dreams, which is a huge plus. Yesterday was the worst day I've had so far, no doubt. But at least I did not throw up my dose, which I was very worried I would do. 

 

How are you feeling these days? Are you still holding or have you started to taper? Please stay in touch. You've helped me so much, and I'd like to support you as well.

[composter]

Good I'm glad today has been better. I think it's best to keep your dose stable for the next several months as you notice improvement in your pattern. I only increased my dose once after reinstatement, from 10 to 11 mg, when I was feeling desperate. I'm very glad I didn't increase it more because I was able to stabilize after 8 months and I didn't extend the length of my taper any longer if I had a higher dose.

 

Of course. I'm happy to provide support when I can, especially knowing that our cases are similar since we both reinstated after acute withdrawal. I'm doing really well these days. Still holding at 11 mg but I plan to begin my taper in a week or so!! Almost no physical symptoms to note and just about zero emotional symptoms. For all intents and purposes I feel "back to normal" in many respects. Back in September/October when this all started I could hardly believe this day would come! 

[RachelSusan]

Hi Dejavu,

I was just reading a post on Pug's page and I was thinking that it would be perfect for you to read and was planning on sending you a link. Then I saw you had read it and posted your thanks. I am so glad you saw it.  It really was a wonderful post and I hope it helps you.

Warm wishes,

Rachel

[Dejavu]

NOTE: Please do not read if easily triggered. I'm having a rough night and I need to journal my thoughts here. I don't want to upset anyone.

 

Tough day. Severe body aches, headache and stomach issues have lessened greatly, but new symptoms come rushing in to replace them, so of course, no window. Again. Still. Anxiety and fatigue is a lousy combo. Other than a 20 minute meditation in the sun this morning, I've barely been off the bed. I am so wired/tired. I'm so afraid of my symptoms, especially the visual distortion, that I stay in my room, lying on the bed watching TV so that I don't have to deal with it. The idea of working outside my home office fills me with dread (What if I can't make it all day? What if I meltdown in front of people?). But the idea of working at home is also upsetting, reminding me of the shell I've become of my former self - a very driven self-employed professional with a killer work ethic. My industry is extremely stressful (legal), and I was actually very getting burned out before all this happened, which does not help.

 

So basically, any work is triggering. Deadlines are triggering. Having visitors is triggering. Getting a text is triggering, even before I know what it is. Taking a shower is triggering. Anything that is expected of me is triggering. I'm talking about the most benign of things, like a friend asking me to dinner, makes me feel pressured. "Will you feel like going tomorrow night?" Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to feel 10 minutes from now, let alone tomorrow!! People don't get that. How can I possibly expect anyone to understand that when I can't wrap my own head around it? When will they start believing that I either don't care or that I'm crazy? Which is further triggering because I've lost so many people lately and the idea of losing still more is almost unbearable.

 

I know I need to get off the bed, but I can't seem to find the strength, physical or mental, to do that. I can have the best intentions - I get up and by the time I make it to the front of the house, I start to notice my vision issues and swimmy head and I start to panic, because I know its something no one else in my world is experiencing and it's just "wrong" and "permanent." I feel like I'm not acting normally and people can tell there's something wrong with me (my husband says that's not the case). Is there any way it's possible that staying active when you're symptomatic could be harmful in any way? I greatly fear doing more damage to my brain by forcing it to function when it's clearly struggling.

 

I almost feel at times like I don't belong in the world anymore. Like I'm broken and don't have the right or expectation to live among all the "normal" people. Can anyone relate to that feeling? It's frightening.

 

I know some of this isn't withdrawal. Severe work burnout and grief from multiple losses, and maybe even a successful klonopin taper in 2017 were factors in my general state of mind before I even realized ADWD was going to be an issue. I'm sure it all exascerbates the withdrawal, and in turn, the withdrawal exascerbates the rest. But I believe if I could regain some stability on the zoloft reinstatement, I could much more effectively deal with the rest. During the month between my last dose and onset of withdrawal, I felt the best I've felt in 3 years. I had energy I never realized I had lost to zoloft, and even though my grief over several deaths was still there, it was proportional and natural (certainly nothing requiring medication). I smiled and laughed; I frowned and cried. It was real life. That one month now feels like it never happened, and I fear I'll never feel that way again.

 

I'm no spring chicken. I'm in my late 50's. I have no desire to live out the remainder of my years in misery. Nor do I want to put my wonderful, precious family (what remains of them) through it. My husband deserves so much better. He didn't make the decision to stick a pill in his mouth; I did. But he's suffering right alongside me. I can't believe what I'm doing to him. It breaks my heart daily.

 

I realize this is not a depression forum and there's no doubt I suffered from situational depression prior to coming off zoloft too fast. But this feeling I have now surpasses any conventional description of mere depression. It is a drug-induced, pitch-black hopeless, hollow despair that isolates me completely from the real world. It's been over 5 months since reinstatement with only very minute windows. I wonder if healing will ever happen for me. I've never had to be dependent on anyone before, and I've always been able to stubbornly plow my way through a problem until it was fixed. And this is something I cannot control, no matter how hard I try. I've tried acceptance but it terrifies me and feels like giving up, and although intellectually I understand the difference, viscerally I do not. I'm in totally over my head here. 

 

Maybe I have the tiniest glimmer of hope that in documenting this, I can someday (hopefully soon) come back to it and see how far I've come. Maybe.

[Dejavu]

@RachelSusan, thank you so very much for thinking of me. Having a bit of a tough night, and it is very much appreciated. Hugs!!!

[Vonnegutjunky]

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

NOTE: Please do not read if easily triggered. I'm having a rough night and I need to journal my thoughts here. I don't want to upset anyone.

 

Tough day. Severe body aches, headache and stomach issues have lessened greatly, but new symptoms come rushing in to replace them, so of course, no window. Again. Still. Anxiety and fatigue is a lousy combo. Other than a 20 minute meditation in the sun this morning, I've barely been off the bed. I am so wired/tired. I'm so afraid of my symptoms, especially the visual distortion, that I stay in my room, lying on the bed watching TV so that I don't have to deal with it. The idea of working outside my home office fills me with dread (What if I can't make it all day? What if I meltdown in front of people?). But the idea of working at home is also upsetting, reminding me of the shell I've become of my former self - a very driven self-employed professional with a killer work ethic. My industry is extremely stressful (legal), and I was actually very getting burned out before all this happened, which does not help.

 

So basically, any work is triggering. Deadlines are triggering. Having visitors is triggering. Getting a text is triggering, even before I know what it is. Taking a shower is triggering. Anything that is expected of me is triggering. I'm talking about the most benign of things, like a friend asking me to dinner, makes me feel pressured. "Will you feel like going tomorrow night?" Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to feel 10 minutes from now, let alone tomorrow!! People don't get that. How can I possibly expect anyone to understand that when I can't wrap my own head around it? When will they start believing that I either don't care or that I'm crazy? Which is further triggering because I've lost so many people lately and the idea of losing still more is almost unbearable.

 

I feel the same! Thoughts  trigger me, the only thing that make some feel semi normal is in bed watching tv, or on my iPad playing mindless games. I can barely use the restroom. . I’ve spent the last week in bed. But I have to take my child to school, and driving her to school feels like a hellish experience. Bizarre distorted thoughts, terrible double vision, and fear like nothing else. I was finally well enough to take a bath today. 

 

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

 

I know I need to get off the bed, but I can't seem to find the strength, physical or mental, to do that. I can have the best intentions - I get up and by the time I make it to the front of the house, I start to notice my vision issues and swimmy head and I start to panic, because I know its something no one else in my world is experiencing and it's just "wrong" and "permanent." I feel like I'm not acting normally and people can tell there's something wrong with me (my husband says that's not the case). Is there any way it's possible that staying active when you're symptomatic could be harmful in any way? I greatly fear doing more damage to my brain by forcing it to function when it's clearly struggling.

 

I almost feel at times like I don't belong in the world anymore. Like I'm broken and don't have the right or expectation to live among all the "normal" people. Can anyone relate to that feeling? It's frightening.

 

Yes ma’am, I’ve felt that broken feeling for many years now. But our experiences are very different. So it won’t be years for you, but I do know exactly how you feel. 

 

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

 

I know some of this isn't withdrawal. Severe work burnout and grief from multiple losses,

 

I was the same when my journey began. Working 50-60 hours a week as a home based case management family therapist for children’s services. I was so incredibly burnt out with no vacation for years and working with abused children were causing my old abuse to ramp up and I kept ignoring it all. Then my mom and my sister died within a few years of each other and I just ignored the grief. Paxil helped me damped down those sad emotions.

 

 

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

 

 

 

and maybe even a successful klonopin taper in 2017 were factors in my general state of mind before I even realized ADWD was going to be an issue. I'm sure it all exascerbates the withdrawal, and in turn, the withdrawal exascerbates the rest. But I believe if I could regain some stability on the zoloft reinstatement, I could much more effectively deal with the rest. During the month between my last dose and onset of withdrawal, I felt the best I've felt in 3 years. I had energy I never realized I had lost to zoloft, and even though my grief over several deaths was still there, it was proportional and natural (certainly nothing requiring medication). I smiled and laughed; I frowned and cried. It was real life. That one month now feels like it never happened, and I fear I'll never feel that way again.

 

I'm no spring chicken. I'm in my late 50's. I have no desire to live out the remainder of my years in misery. Nor do I want to put my wonderful, precious family (what remains of them) through it. My husband deserves so much better. He didn't make the decision to stick a pill in his mouth; I did. But he's suffering right alongside me. I can't believe what I'm doing to him. It breaks my heart daily.

 

 

Im 46, and I feel the same about my husband, he didn’t ask for a broken partner. And I feel guilty and terrible because of it.

 

 

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

I realize this is not a depression forum and there's no doubt I suffered from situational depression prior to coming off zoloft too fast. But this feeling I have now surpasses any conventional description of mere depression. It is a drug-induced, pitch-black hopeless, hollow despair that isolates me completely from the real world. It's been over 5 months since reinstatement with only very minute windows. I wonder if healing will ever happen for me. I've never had to be dependent on anyone before, and I've always been able to stubbornly plow my way through a problem until it was fixed. And this is something I cannot control, no matter how hard I try. I've tried acceptance but it terrifies me and feels like giving up, and although intellectually I understand the difference, viscerally I do not. I'm in totally over my head here. 

 

Maybe I have the tiniest glimmer of hope that in documenting this, I can someday (hopefully soon) come back to it and see how far I've come. Maybe.

 

 

Your posts are the reason I follow your thread, they resonate so much with me. I’m not good at expressing my emotions. 

 

You will I’ll get better. The waves always feel horrible.  And make you feel permanently stuck. But it’s not permanent. 

[Dejavu]

@Vonnegutjunky, I just PM'd you.

[withhopeinmyheart]

Hi dejavu, 

 

goodness, you really have a great ability to put this hell into words. 

I find myself in them a lot. 

 

This feeling that your world is different and you don't belong with the real world anymore. Wow, I know that one! 

 

And the time before WD onset, too. For me it was fifteen weeks of feeling great. Free. And then came the crash I still struggle to even describe. Many, many triggers, as you also said. 

 

I know how you feel, dear. 

I at first had tiny windows, now it's more like a slooow climb of WD normal. 

 

The part about acceptance, about having no control... Yup! Totally! 

 

I think it's important to hold your dose now. As torturous as it is it's for now the only way to get some stability. 

I've been holding since the end of November and am having ever so tiny improvements. 

 

Wishing you healing! 

[Dejavu]

A couple hours ago, I had a rather uncomfortable cortisol spike. Haven't had one like that in months. Then, an uncontrollable crying spell for about a quarter hour, which then resolved into a kind of mini-window which I am in right now. A noticeable lessening of overall symptoms. Not completely gone, but this is progress, right?

[Dejavu]

@withhopeinmyheart, thank you for popping in and for your support. You were 4 months out before you crashed? You poor thing! What a cruel twist of fate! You thought you were in the clear and moving on. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I'm so glad your RI worked that far out, and also glad you are seeing improvement. I hope I'm right behind you! Unfortunately, I couldn't stop playing with my dose after reinstatement, so it might take me a bit longer. I finally "got the memo" and have been sitting still on my current dose for a month. 

[Tom37]

Any window not matter how small is a good sign....it took me almost 5 months of staying at the same dose to start feeling significantly better so don’t be surprised if it takes you as long or even longer....you really should count from the time you settled on your holding dose not from reinstatement.

[Dejavu]

@Tom37, thanks for popping in. You're right; it has slowly dawned on me that with each dose change, I basically reset the clock. What can I say? I'm my own worst enemy...😕

[RandyJames]

Hi Dejavu.  How are you feeling today?  I read up in your post that you had a mini window of sorts.  I hope you're still in it.  

[Dejavu]

Hey @RandyJames, thanks for checking on me. Unfortunately, the window only stayed open a few hours, I didn't sleep well (weird dreams), and the dizziness and visual problems were pretty intense this morning. But I just got back from a family gathering I was dreading, not because I don't love my family but because it's so hard for me to leave my bedroom and do normal things with normal people. Also, it was very emotionally charged - it was a birthday party for my beloved Uncle who is dying of cancer.  It was tough at first - lots of dizziness, DP, brain fog, visual disturbance, bladder pain (hard to sit for long) and of course anxiety. But as the time wore on and I was able to contribute to conversations, I started to relax and feel a little better. I was able to remember that this was my tribe and I was safe. By the time we left, the DP, dizziness and visual distortions were almost gone. So I'm going to call this a little window as well. Window Lite, maybe? Certainly not full blown - still a lot of anxiety and bladder discomfort, but progress nonetheless. I'm gonna go ahead and take it. I plan to relax for the rest of the day and evening.

 

How are you faring today?

[composter]

I can relate to so much of what you've shared. You are not alone. During my worst waves I have felt deeply troubled over so many things, fearful and anxious over the tiniest decisions or information. Feeling utterly incapable and dependent on my support system.

 

There have been times that I've felt like I need to wear a hat or a shirt that says "I'm going through antidepressant withdrawal." Or "Never take antidepressants! They will ruin your life!" Or simply "Taking antidepressants? Read survivingantidepressants.org"

 

Basically like I want to wear a billboard and a megaphone so people know just how miserable this all is.

 

I'm glad you were able to spend meaningful time with family and press onwards despite the distress. You are very correct in saying that the dark depression feels incomparable to any human depression. Instead it's drug-induced and does not respond to usual coping skills. That's what the psychiatry world has labelled "treatment-resistant depression" but it's really just withdrawal. 

 

Hoping for more clear windows and periods of improvement as you hold. I have no doubt you will improve. The worst will pass.

[Dejavu]

6 minutes ago, composter said:

There have been times that I've felt like I need to wear a hat or a shirt that says "I'm going through antidepressant withdrawal." Or "Never take antidepressants! They will ruin your life!" Or simply "Taking antidepressants? Read survivingantidepressants.org"

 

 

Yup, absolutely! I have 3 cousins who are on these rat poisons. They don't seem to feel any urgency to get off, despite the fact that one of them has had to increase her dose twice and add SAMe in the past three years due to poopout, and another ended up in the ER after she went camping over a weekend and forgot her meds. I think this is referred to as "spellbinding" by Breggin. They know what I'm going through but since they never plan to come off they don't think this will happen to them. I have warned, but I don't preach. At least they can use me as a precautionary tale anout CT.

 

I have another cousin who is an MD. He also sees my much-altered condition and correctly puts it down to a too fast taper, but we do not discuss how long he thinks a proper taper should take. He does agree that my CNS is too sensitized to do anything but sit still at the moment and settle out. He told me, "you'll be okay, but it might take awhile," so at least he has some clue.  This officially makes him more enlightened than my actual pdoc. I may ask him to start writing my scripts so I can dump Dr. Clueless, as I find her to be triggering at the moment. It could be a win/win - less stress for me and a teachable moment for him. We shall see.

 

Let me know when you start your taper, so I can send you the good mojo!!! You have held a good long time - you've got this!!!

 

 

[composter]

Wow that's all very telling. Certainly, I remember hearing and reading about antidepressant withdrawal before my first taper but I thought it wouldn't happen to me since I was on an older "milder" tricyclic, at the lowest dose, and only took it for 3 months. I think there's only so far you can get with people who have never experienced it themselves. I think they'll know to turn to you if they decide to come off or have issues with it.

 

Glad your cousin understands and is more enlightened. No doubt he's learned from your experience. 

 

I'm starting my taper today, actually! Dropping from 11 mg to 10 mg. I imagine I might feel some symptoms for about a week or so, but we'll see. I'm hoping it'll be pretty smooth and if I hit rough patches at lower doses I'll adjust my tapering schedule/method. 

[Dejavu]

@composter, I am sending you lots of support. I know this will go smoothly. Let me know how you're doing.   ((((((HUGS))))))

[withhopeinmyheart]

On 4/14/2019 at 4:32 AM, Dejavu said:

@withhopeinmyheartYou were 4 months out before you crashed? You poor thing! What a cruel twist of fate! You thought you were in the clear and moving on.

Yes exactly! It was basically from heaven to hell overnight. The dangers of the honeymoon phase... 

 

Oh, what you and @composter said about warning others. Yes, I find this so incredibly frustrating. 

 

I have one friend who basically says she doesn't believe me because I'm no doctor and one has to believe the doctors. 

She's being treated for bipolar. But I think the truth is that her antidepressants pushed her into mania. But I told her I never noticed the slightest bit of bipolar in her ever before that. 

 

She says that, no, in hindsight she might always have had it. Ugh! 

This is definitely part of the spellbinding Breggin talks about. 

 

And I was spellbound as well. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who didn't get many side effects. But over those three years it made me slightly hypomanic and I got money spending problems. 

 

Didn't know it then but know now that it was the drug. 

 

[Dejavu]

3 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

have one friend who basically says she doesn't believe me because I'm no doctor and one has to believe the doctors. 

 

Does this friend believe you are faking it? Imagining it? I had a friend ask me if I was sure it wasn't just my depression "coming back?" And I'm saying, "You mean the depression I never had before? That depression? And I guess it is this 'depression' that's causing all these physical symptoms I've never had before, right?" And then...*crickets*

 

And as for having to believe the doctors...yeah. What could possibly go wrong there? 🤣

[withhopeinmyheart]

Well, I think she doubts severe withdrawal exists. She probably thinks it's my depression getting worse. I don't know for sure. I couldn't bring myself to straight out ask her if she believed I am in withdrawal. 

 

I had mild depression before. For a reason that I know... 

 

Gah.... I talked to her. Just once so that we know where we stand. 

 

I explained my point of view. 

Years ago she got severely depressed and wanted to die. She spent the most of six months in hospital, sometimes locked up. They pumped antidepressants into her. One worsened her suicidality. She became manic from one day to the other. Didn't stop talking, didn't stop planning out her whole life. Like a switch. Happy again. But so over the top! 

 

So Drs said "oh look, guess she's bipolar." And put her on some neuroleptic. 

She even tried to come off of them once which gave her psychotic mania. 

She's been on valproate since but now is switching to the "much safer" quetiapine. Because she wants to have a baby. 

 

So I explained to her it was the antidepressant in the first place and that her second manic episode was withdrawals. Even with the typical time frame of three months off. 

 

She said that her therapist had wondered about it being mania from the drug. But that she became manic after quitting the valproate was proof that she's sick and needs the drug. 

 

At this point I wanted to scream but couldn't. 

 

My friend wants to believe that she's doing the right thing. She wants to hand her life over to the drugs because it seems to be easier. She's always been someone who wants to desperately fit into our sick society. 

 

So I guess she'll be content as long as she can believe in the drug giving her that. 🙁

 

Makes me think of this quote:

 

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti