Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[RusTW]

It took months to stabalize after my cut in January. 

[Dejavu]

@Songbird, yes, I've done just about all those things. No caffeine or alcohol (I had one martini in February at a family reunion - it didn't seem to phase me but why tempt fate?), I stay mindful of stressors and do my best to avoid them. I cut one of my oldest clients loose in January because he was very demanding and I felt I didn't need that pressure. I'm working on major lifestyle adjustments for life after withdrawal (if I ever get to that point). Talk therapy, diet changes, daily affirmations for positivity, meditation, etc. I'm doing the whole smash. But I just can't seem to get out of the constant loop of dread and negative thoughts that recovery is for other people, and not for me. Crazy, huh? 

 

[Dejavu]

@RusTW, thanks for dropping by, Buddy. Its been 6 months since I crashed but only 1.5 since I stopped going up and down in dosage. I guess I underestimated just how much difference a 2.5% dose change could make. 

 

I hope your GI issues are improving. Let me know how you are doing! 

[RusTW]

I tapered 25% of my zoloft dose January and leveled out finally 

[Dejavu]

Update:

A mix of positives and negatives...

 

Last Thursday, I ran into a friend/colleague I haven't seen in a while. She didn't recognize me, and said I looked "different." She was being polite, but I could tell she was shocked. And she is right. I haven't had my hair done in a year, and it's falling ou

lt at an alarming rate. I have to wear glasses now and forego eye makeup because of chronic dry eye brought on my a combination of ADWD and overwearing of my contacts last year. I have periodic acne breakouts. I've lost 50 pounds. My eyes look dark and haunted. Why would anyone recognize me? I don't even recognize myself. 

 

I was able to go to band rehearsal last night. I had about a 3 hour break from the dizziness and full bladder sensation.  I had enough energy to do my hair, put my contacts in and slap on a little mascara. I looked almost normal. My voice is still in good shape. I had a couple of memory issues with my keyboard parts and one lyric, but overall my cognitive function is, I'd say, 95%. For an old girl like me, that's pretty good.

 

I actually had a very good time. Unfortunately, the dizziness returned toward the end of the night and remained severe until I fell asleep. It's slightly improved, but very much still here, today. It is by far my most debilitating symptom, and it waxes and wanes many times throughout each day, but never goes completely away. If I could get some meaningful relief from this, it would go a long way toward improving my overall state of mind. 

 

I am not hypersensitive to noise (obviously!). My startle response is still somewhat heightened, but overall improved. I don't seem to be sensitive to food or supplements, and the GI issues I initially had very rarely occur now. 

 

Sleep is still ok. Some nights better than others, but I'm managing at least 6 hours a night. I also decreased my melatonin from 2 mg to 1 nightly with seemingly no impact on sleep. Morning anxiety is lessening as well. 

 

My main issues at this time are dizziness, full-bladder sensation, fatigue, low level constant anxiety, occasional (but fairly severe) depression, acne, and burning mouth. Occasionally, I get twitchy muscles, mostly when falling asleep, and itchy skin. I cry a lot. A lot.

 

If my head didn't spin every time I moved it, I would actually be okay. But this particular symptom is very problematic for me. I'm afraid I'm going to be away from home by myself and the dizziness will get bad and I won't be able to drive. Hasn't happened yet, but it's come close a couple of times. This causes a serious uptick in anxiety, of course. 

 

On the bright side, I am able to work several hours a week now. I am no longer completely housebound. Yesterday, I went into a store and picked up a few things with no anxiety or DP/DR whatsoever. Even chatted with someone in line. So overall, I have to say things are getting gradually better. Just wish it would happen faster!

[Songbird]

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

@Songbird, yes, I've done just about all those things. No caffeine or alcohol (I had one martini in February at a family reunion - it didn't seem to phase me but why tempt fate?), I stay mindful of stressors and do my best to avoid them. I cut one of my oldest clients loose in January because he was very demanding and I felt I didn't need that pressure. I'm working on major lifestyle adjustments for life after withdrawal (if I ever get to that point). Talk therapy, diet changes, daily affirmations for positivity, meditation, etc. I'm doing the whole smash. But I just can't seem to get out of the constant loop of dread and negative thoughts that recovery is for other people, and not for me. Crazy, huh? 

 

 

That's good, all those things will be helpful.  The constant loop of negative thoughts is actually a symptom.  I’ve found it can help to give your internal negative voice a name (e.g. “doomcloud", “chatterbox", "monkey mind" or whatever name you want) so that you can separate this voice from your real self.  When you are able to perceive that this voice is not “you”, it becomes easier to step back from it, get some distance from it, and observe it more objectively.  I named the negative voice in my mind the "Doomcloud”.  When the negative thoughts came, I could observe it happening and say to myself  "oh, there's the Doomcloud again" and not give the thoughts much importance.  This helped immensely to step back from the negative thoughts and emotions, to be less involved in them, and by getting some distance from them, they felt less intense and not as distressing. 

[composter]

One day at a time. Those positives you are experiencing are good signs that you are heading towards stability. I think one of the key perspectives to cultivate during all of this is one of steady patience: Time is really going to be the major factor in your healing. Nervous system repair takes much longer than other types of healing. And as we know it is not a linear progression.

 

The changes you have experienced in your physical appearance are going to pass. It may be several more months or it may be a year or longer that you feel out of sorts, so try to cultivate acceptance rather than resistance to a longer timeline. You will get there.

[RandyJames]

@DejavuIt's really good to hear that you were able to get out to your band practice and have a good time.  Even better is your perception that things are getting gradually better.  I'm so happy to hear that.  You really are due for some kind of relief.  Everything will keep getting better for you.

[Dejavu]

Update...

 

Gradual - very very gradual - but noticeable improvement. This past Friday, I felt awful - dizziness, DP, visual distortion, tremor, full bladder sensation - the usual suspects - and very broken sleep. Then yesterday was noticeably better. All symptoms still present but less in intensity. I was able to go to a relative's wedding. This was a big deal for me, because I recall getting the invitation a month ago and thinking "I'll be too sick to go." We had to leave early because I started to get really dizzy and depersonalized, but just being able to get showered, dressed, do my makeup and hair and show up was a huge accomplishment for me. I had a few sips of red wine at the reception and was hoping that I wouldn't pay for that today, and I thankfully didn't. 

 

Today, I woke with more energy than I can recall having in months. No anxiety; just energy. At noon, I picked up some flowers and my brother and I went to visit my Mom's gravesite. It was difficult and very emotional - our first Mother's Day without her - but I got through it and the grief felt proportional and not "neuro" in nature. For the first time, I grieved without the hollow, black despair and hopelessness that has been dogging me for months. It is still grief, and it still hurts tremendously, but it just feels different. I can't really explain it except to say that it feels natural and real now. It is so hard because she wasn't just my Mom. She was my best friend, my confidant, the voice in my head, and my true north. But for the first time, I'm starting to feel that, if I can only recover from the pharmacological nightmare, I can somehow find a path forward without her. That's how I feel today, at least. Tomorrow may be a different story, although I hope not.

 

After I dropped off my brother, I went to the grocery store and did some shopping. By then I was starting to get tired and the dizziness, DP, and full bladder sensation was returning. Came home and took a nap.  Symptoms have been waxing and waning all day, but mostly its been good with episodes of bad, instead of the opposite. This is new and I'll take it.

 

So the improvements are subtle. So subtle, in fact, that it's hard to recognize unless I look back through my notes from months ago, or have family members tell me they notice I'm getting better. But the improvements truly are there. I'm so ready to feel better!

 

Thank you @composter and @RandyJames for checking up on me and giving me encouragement. You're both good peeps!!!

[RichT]

Dejavu,

 

‘’this is such good news, it’s great to hear!

 

R

[composter]

So encouraging!! Keep at it with your hold and you will reach stability, I'm sure of it. The best thing you can do for the next few months is not "do" anything (to your dose) at all. 😎

[Tom37]

Good work....even small improvements mean your body is healing. Try not to get discouraged if you start to feel worse again as it’s the nature of recovery. 

 

Please stay away from alcohol. Why risk your progress over a few sips of wine. It’s not worth it.

 

 

[Dejavu]

@Tom37, of course you're right about the booze. I've always been strictly a social drinker and I really don't miss it that much, except for a nice red every once in awhile. It was a special occasion, and I literally only took a few sips. I'm back on the wagon now.

 

If I could just get this blurred vision and light sensitivity under control, my symptoms would be very minimal today. 

 

How are you coming along?

[Vonnegutjunky]

So happy to hear your positive update! I needed hope today - thank you for posting the positives 

😊

[Dejavu]

Thank you @Vonnegutjunky. It's really a relief to have a real window. The past 6 months have been a living hell. 

 

How are you doing these days? 

[RandyJames]

I'm so glad you're getting sustained improvement!  Waking up without anxiety and feeling energetic is a really good sign.  It's great that you had the energy to do some shopping after such an emotional day.  You'll have many more good days coming and one day soon all of this will be a memory.  

[Dejavu]

@RandyJames, thanks RJ. Today was not quite as good as the weekend, but tolerable. 

 

How was your day?

[Dejavu]

An epiphany today...

 

During the holy hell of acute withdrawal, over and over again I have alternately cried, despaired, begged for death, and tried to cut deals with the Universe if only I could "have my life back." I have laid awake wondering why this happened to me and what I am supposed to learn from it all. As I move closer to stabilization and the commencement of a taper, I realize that "getting my life back" will never happen. And that's okay. I am forever changed from the person who crashed 6 months ago. I am totally traumatized from it all without a doubt, and yet I feel stronger - certainly not physically or even emotionally at the moment - but sort of an internal wisdom and strength I didn't have before. I am learning so much about myself and my fears. I have suffered the loss - sometimes traumatic and untimely - of many loved ones, and because of that, I've had an intense fear of death for a long time. My fears have kept me from being present in my own life. But now I know there are things worse than death. I have lived it, survived it and continue to survive it. And the fear is much lessened because of that. In fact, all the things I've been anxious about my whole life now seem relatively small compared to the brutally intense suffering of the past 6 months. 

 

Today, although I was fairly symptomatic,  I sat in a car dealership with my husband and negotiated a new car lease. Normally, I find this adversarial process to be highly anxiety-provoking. But somehow, today I was different. The process is still unpleasant, but there seems to have been a shift in my way of handling it. No impatience and absolutely no anxiety. In my mind, in the grand scheme of things, it just didn't matter so much. What mattered more was that it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and I'm slowly getting well.

 

Since I was completely non-functional for a long time, and still limited in what I can do, I've also had to learn to give up control. This was big for me. I've always over-functioned and kept many balls in the air at the same time. For the first time in my life I've been unable to do that. I had to give over control and trust my friends and family to help me. Nothing bad happened. In fact, some things have turned out better. I am left with a deeper gratitude and appreciation of my loved ones that I would not otherwise have had. Wow! This must be what it feels like to live a balanced, unanxious life. I'll take it.

[Songbird]

1 hour ago, Dejavu said:

An epiphany today...

 

 

That's great to hear.  I've had to learn a lot of the same kind of stuff.  It took a long time before I realised I wasn't going to get my old life back.  And yes, some things in my life turned out better after going through the awful mess.

[Vonnegutjunky]

4 hours ago, Dejavu said:

An epiphany today...

 

During the holy hell of acute withdrawal, over and over again I have alternately cried, despaired, begged for death, and tried to cut deals with the Universe if only I could "have my life back." I have laid awake wondering why this happened to me and what I am supposed to learn from it all. As I move closer to stabilization and the commencement of a taper, I realize that "getting my life back" will never happen. And that's okay. I am forever changed from the person who crashed 6 months ago. I am totally traumatized from it all without a doubt, and yet I feel stronger - certainly not physically or even emotionally at the moment - but sort of an internal wisdom and strength I didn't have before. I am learning so much about myself and my fears. I have suffered the loss - sometimes traumatic and untimely - of many loved ones, and because of that, I've had an intense fear of death for a long time. My fears have kept me from being present in my own life. But now I know there are things worse than death. I have lived it, survived it and continue to survive it. And the fear is much lessened because of that. In fact, all the things I've been anxious about my whole life now seem relatively small compared to the brutally intense suffering of the past 6 months. 

 

Today, although I was fairly symptomatic,  I sat in a car dealership with my husband and negotiated a new car lease. Normally, I find this adversarial process to be highly anxiety-provoking. But somehow, today I was different. The process is still unpleasant, but there seems to have been a shift in my way of handling it. No impatience and absolutely no anxiety. In my mind, in the grand scheme of things, it just didn't matter so much. What mattered more was that it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and I'm slowly getting well.

 

Since I was completely non-functional for a long time, and still limited in what I can do, I've also had to learn to give up control. This was big for me. I've always over-functioned and kept many balls in the air at the same time. For the first time in my life I've been unable to do that. I had to give over control and trust my friends and family to help me. Nothing bad happened. In fact, some things have turned out better. I am left with a deeper gratitude and appreciation of my loved ones that I would not otherwise have had. Wow! This must be what it feels like to live a balanced, unanxious life. I'll take it.

I could have written this post myself. 

How crazy, I mean every word  verbatim, I also had the same fears of death, that are now greatly lessened. And I always think of fates worse than death, withdrawal is one of them. 

 

Your story resonates so much with me. 

Im so happy to hear your feeling slightly stronger. 

 

[Rosetta]

I'm glad you had a good day when you had to get a new car.  More days like that are coming.  It's true that nothing is really all that important.  I hope I can get through this with that as my approach to life.  Everything seems so stressful right now, but it's really not within my control by any means.  It simply is.

[Dejavu]

 @Vonnegutjunky, thank you. Its funny, isnt it, the way this experience changes you? And I guess we have to choose whether that change is for the better or worse. Its so hard - sometimes impossible - to be positive or even just not negative through all this. But I'm learning. Baby steps.

 

How are you doing? You're on my mind a lot.

[Dejavu]

 

3 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I hope I can get through this with that as my approach to life.  Everything seems so stressful right now, but it's really not within my control by any means.  It simply is.

Me too, @Rosetta. Me too. Thank you for the encouragement. I hope you continue to see better days too! You've had a tough road. Hang in there!!

[Dejavu]

I had a decent three day window. It was nice while it lasted. Sigh...

 

A wave started this morning with dizziness and fatigue. This afternoon a low grade stomach ache, like indigestion (but I hadn't eaten anything). Now visual distortion and depression creeping in. Six months since reinstatement; two months since I quit messing with my dose. I hope this wave is short. I am so tired, not to mention disappointed.

[RandyJames]

On ‎5‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 8:25 PM, Dejavu said:

I had a decent three day window. It was nice while it lasted. Sigh...

 

A wave started this morning with dizziness and fatigue. This afternoon a low grade stomach ache, like indigestion (but I hadn't eaten anything). Now visual distortion and depression creeping in. Six months since reinstatement; two months since I quit messing with my dose. I hope this wave is short. I am so tired, not to mention disappointed.

I'll bet that this wave clears up faster than previously and your next window lasts longer.  I'm so very sorry this window didn't last longer for you though.  The ensuing depression is totally understandable.  You must feel really let down.  Just remember it's part of the pattern and if you take your 3 day window into account the pattern is tending towards stabilizing for sure.  Once you're stabilized and go back to a nice slow and steady taper you're going to have smooth sailing.  

[Tom37]

Try not to be discouraged if your windows don’t get longer and your waves don’t get easier as well. While the overall trend seems to be that the windows get longer there are definitely periods where things change and the waves come thick and fast.

 

Just keep hanging in there, one day at a time and try to look at it from the outside in that it’s so obvious that this is just temporary. We just just dont know how it will take.

[planifolia]

Hi Dejavu, I was reading through your post and was so elated to know that you were finally stabalizing. But just read your latest post and I am so sorry for the crash again. I have been experiencing the same thing and just entered a horrific place again after thinking things maybe are finally settling down. The devastation felt when this happens is just soul-destroying. 

 

Lets hold on to hope and may this wave be short lived!

[Dejavu]

@RandyJames, I sure hope you're right. The 3 day window was the longest so far and this wave doesn't seem quite as severe. If it doesn't get any worse, then it will be a definite improvement in baseline. So from that perspective, I guess I could still call this progress.

 

@Tom37, I know you're right. It just doesn't feel temporary. I'm no spring chicken and I have no desire to spend the next decade fighting this battle. I haven't even started my taper yet and I feel like I'm stuck in acute. And to add unsult to injury, I continue to put this rat poison in my body night after night. I know we're all in the same boat, but I just get so pissed off sometimes.

 

@planifolia, thank you for dropping in, and for your support. I've read parts of your thread and I'm so sorry you're struggling right now as well. "Soul destroying" is the perfect way to describe it for sure. 

 

I used to be a pretty tough old girl. But this entire fiasco has brought me to my knees. I'm trying to focus on the positives and work on coming out of this as a better version of myself, but holy sh%*, I am just so exhausted. Just. So. Exhausted.

[planifolia]

2 hours ago, Dejavu said:

I used to be a pretty tough old girl. But this entire fiasco has brought me to my knees. I'm trying to focus on the positives and work on coming out of this as a better version of myself, but holy sh%*, I am just so exhausted. Just. So. Exhausted.

The exhuastion.. I completely understand. There was a fight spirit with me at the beginning of the reinstatement but I can no longer feel it after I crashed one after another, and the months go by, you just start thinking "Why bother.... this is ridiculous". It's like... universe please enough is enough. But there is always that smallest thread of hope somewhere in us that keeps us going even when we feel we are broken. 

 

Remember that in a wave our mind starts acting like murphy law and anticipate all the worst outcomes and are convinced that they will happen. But you must remember they are just thoughts and you don't have to believe them, and another outcome is possible. 

[Dejavu]

Four days after the start of a wave, I seem to be leveling off a bit. Dizziness and visual distortion is still here but minimal, anxiety higher than usual but lessening, and my level of grief is once again proportional. The full bladder sensation that was such a problem for a while has crept back in, but to a much lesser degree. I slept really well the past couple of nights. If this wave doesn't get any worse, then it really hasn't been as bad as before and my baseline seems to have improved. I hate to jinx it, but perhaps I'm heading toward a window?

[RichT]

Perhaps you are! Great news!

 

R

[Dejavu]

@RichT, thanks, buddy! How are you doing?

[planifolia]

That's amazing news!!

[Dejavu]

I think I'm starting to come up for air. I slept well, and woke up with less fatigue than usual. Dizziness and visual distortion are minimal today, but my eyes are so very dry and photosensitive!! Anxiety is a little higher than baseline; I've been close to tears all day, missing my Mom and sister like crazy, but I'm getting pretty good at self-soothing. I've had a few palps and some slight PGAD symptoms, but both are minor and very transitory. Hoping I'm on the verge of another window.

 

Its been 9 weeks that I've been sitting still on 26.25mg. I'm hoping I can start tapering in a couple of months. As much as I want off this rat poison forever, I just don't feel stable enough to start yet. I'm going to reevaluate my condition over the next 60 days, so I'll be jounaling my symptoms more often from now until then. 

 

I am still taking the Cortisol Manager supplement, but have reduced it last month (over 2 weeks) to once a day at bedtime. It still works quite effectively, but I felt more comfortable increasing my magnesium and reducing the CM, since mag has no known effect on serotonin. The l-theanine in the Cortisol Manager may have a mild serotonergic effect, depending upon who you ask. I also have found I can do with less melatonin, and am down to 1mg per night and sleeping fine.

 

I have noticed less hair fall over the past few weeks, and new growth in some places, so that's good. Every few days my face breaks out, then it clears up almost overnight. Does anyone know what's going on with that? At 58, I really thought acne was in my past. 

 

Over the past week or so I've noticed more tremor in my hands. Mostly intention tremors, and not when my hands are still. This has always been a side effect from sertraline for me. The other side effect I always had - weak, jelly legs - has not returned after my RI. I imagine that is due to my being on 50% less of the drug now than I was then. Whatever the reason, I'll take it. During the honeymoon phase of my CT, the tremor went away completely. I'm looking forward to that again as I lower my dose.

 

I'm practicing good nutrition, meditation, self-soothing and sleep hygiene. I'm doing therapy, getting enough sun and planning to start tai chi. I want to give my nervous system every possible boost before I start my taper. I do not intend to fail, nor do I intend to crash again. I should never have been given an AD at all as I was not depressed, and I've wasted enough time being ill. I will go as slow as I must to stay healthy.

[Gridley]

12 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

Every few days my face breaks out, then it clears up almost overnight.

 

I have rashes break out for no apparent reason on my chest and arm, then resolve.  Skin issues are a common WD symptom.

Skin issues: hives, acne, dryness, itching etc. - Symptoms and self ...

There are several more threads on the topic.  Google "SurvivingAntidepressants. org acne" 

 

Dejavu, your report sounds great.  I'm very happy things are getting better. Poco a poco, as we say in Ecuador, little by little, step by step.

[Songbird]

You are doing brilliantly with all your non-med techniques.