Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[Vonnegutjunky]

Starting to come out of a window and feeling the wave creep it’s ugly self back in, so I came to SA and saw your going through it too Deja and Tom....some of what you guys wrote are dead on.....it’s exhausting and it’s bizarre, going from being normal and functioning to nearly bedridden shell of a person frozen in fear....fear of nothing,...just a pure chemical fear and the world looks bizarre and strange, form the dpdr.....I hate this...I just want to go back to work 1 day a week.....my last window was one of the best so far.....I am just hoping this wave isn’t as intense.... so so so scary and hopeless when I’m like this. 

 

Anyway thank you guys for your posts, it makes me feel less alone. 

[Dejavu]

Awww, sorry to read this! Maybe it will be very short-lived. I think I'm improved a bit today. Still in it, but maybe on the downhill side. After 4 days, I'm glad to see improvement so quickly, however miniscule. 

 

I'm hearing you about the fear. But my brain isn't satisfied with being fearful of nothing; it has to cast around and find something to be afraid of. On today's menu - fear of insomnia. Never mind it's not been much of an issue, and that even in this wave, I've been sleeping okay. Tomorrow, it will be something else - who knows what? Withdrawal is like a box of chocolates...

[Tom37]

Glad to see your still seeing your symptoms ease and hopefully they continue until that window/baseline comes around again.

 

Hopefully the insomnia fear goes away for you soon and I’m sure it will when out of your wave. 

 

One of the other things I find with waves is they totally destroy my confidence in where I’m at with wd, how my body is and what I can do. I seem to have a process of regaining that confidence afterwards and usually takes 3 or 4 days before I’m back to where I was or often better. It’s kind of like gradual baby steps for a couple of days getting myself back into the real world and trusting my body is good to go to be able to handle it all. So many parts to this process that’s for sure.

[Vonnegutjunky]

49 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

 

 

I'm hearing you about the fear. But my brain isn't satisfied with being fearful of nothing; it has to cast around and find something to be afraid of. On today's menu - fear of insomnia. Never mind it's not been much of an issue, and that even in this wave, I've been sleeping okay. Tomorrow, it will be something else - who knows what? Withdrawal is like a box of chocolates...

Same same same, I became afraid of the air.....it wasn’t a completely cohesive thought, it was just like I had a fear of the air, then it was the earth, I couldn’t get away from my surroundings and run to anywhere that made me feel safe....then it becomes this sort of phobia.....it my brain trying to make sense of the fear and creating insane scenarios....and then when it does it’s twice as difficult to get out of that fear loop....trying to calm down and rationalize with it rarely works....it’s so frustrating and makes em feellike I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do about it.  

[Dejavu]

Yes, I'm going through that lack of confidence as well. This is my first significant window/wave process, and I'm terrified that the symptoms just won't go again. For instance, I'm getting slammed at the moment with the bladder pain or pgad or whatever it is, and I keep fearing that it's permanent. This all stems from a triggering post I read months ago by someone who feared the same thing, did some "research" and interpreted it incorrectly. Never mind that others have had this symptom and healed fully - I will be the one who doesn't. I don't even think it's actual pgad. It feels more like a bladder infection (it isn't). But it's very hard to distract myself from. If I could get relief from this Ivwould be in pretty fair shape.

[Dejavu]

@Vonnegutjunky, you are not alone. I was once triggered into absolute panic by a hockey game on TV. How totally random is that?

[Dejavu]

@VonnegutjunkyI think if I were to analyze your fear of air and earth, I would say you're not losing your mind at all. I think it is representative of how trapped we all feel on this withdrawal merry-go-round. We cannot escape it. Just as if the very air we breathe or earth upon which we stand were somehow a danger. We would be stuck here nonetheless. It speaks to the vulnerability we all feel during this difficult time.  Especially during stabilization, it is so frustrating to feel as though you're sitting still. Looking ahead to years of slow tapering and not being able to get on with it. It's easy to feel stuck. Trapped.

 

But the windows, however brief, are proof positive that healing IS happening. We can't see it, but just like radio frequency, we know it's there. Cold comfort when we feel poorly, but cold comfort is better than none at all, I guess.

 

Healing will happen. Healing is, in fact, inevitable. It's getting from here to there that gets tricky.

 

Hang in, J. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

P.

[Frogie]

I just wanted to say congratulations 🎉🎊 

 

You will be a wonderful Moderator.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Dejavu]

Thank you, dear @Frogie! From your mouth to God's ear...lol!!

[Carmie]

Welcome to the mod squad Dejavu💚

[Dejavu]

Thank you @Carmie. I am happy to join you.

[Sassenach]

Hi Dejavu

 

Congrats on becoming a mod.

You will be great and your life experiences will resonate with both existing and future members.

Remembering our friend.

 

Sassenach

[Dejavu]

Thank you @Sassenach. I'm happy to be here. Yes, I'm remembering her too. Such a shame. It didn't have to happen.

[Dejavu]

Update: 

8 months since reinstatement, but only 3.5 months staying on a steady dose.

 

After a 4-day, 100% symptom free window, this wave continues into it's 6th day, but symptoms continue to strangely morph. I believe that is a positive; something new is happening in the old cranium. I'm not sure why, but I think this wave is on the way out. Although it's certainly not going without a fight.

 

My main symptoms this time around have been the return of dizziness, dry eyes, bladder pain, and tearful depression (mostly grieving for Mom, Sister, Uncle, but also for myself, or rather, for the loss - albeit temporary - of myself). Then yesterday, bladder pain began to relent - now it comes and goes with lessening intensity. But while in the shower, I began to tremble and sweat. I was able to finish, get out and dry off, but I had to lie down for a bit. It passed quickly but left me exhausted. Went to band rehearsal and was able to play for 3 hours, but was dizzy and sweaty the entire time. I finally had enough and had to leave a tad early. I did well, and managed to have fun in spite of the symptoms. But it was a real relief to get in the car and crank up the air conditioner! By the time I got home I was already feeling better and regretted my decision to leave so quickly.

 

Surprisingly, very restful sleep last night. Not enough of it, but 6 hours straight through, which is rare for me, even before I crashed. I always joke that, 30 years ago, pulling an "all-nighter" meant I stayed up partying all night. Nowdays, it means I didn't wake up to pee 3 times last night! 

 

I would have slept longer, too, but these two adorable mutts of mine decided the time was right for a barking contest. Because I was jolted awake (although without a cortisol spike - yay!), I cannot recall the dream I was having, but my sense of it was that it was very pleasant, also a rarity these days. I felt very refreshed. That was new.

 

Symptoms eventually did creep back in. Dry eye is now replaced by low-grade constant anxiety, and intermittent agitation. I am making an effort to sit with the negative, ruminating thoughts I'm having - recognizing them as neuro-emotions and just allowing them to be. It takes practice, and I'm definitely a work in progress, but I believe it's working. I sat through a 2 hour salon appointment, and later, dinner with the hub, neither of which were very pleasant due to my ramped up CNS, but, again, I did it. 

 

I've honored every committment and kept every appointment I had for this weekend, while in a wave. I've hit my limit. Tomorrow is all for me - rest and rejuvenate. Maybe I can manifest a nice window for myself. I'm ready.

[Rosetta]

I hope you have a beautiful window on the way! -Rosetta

[Dejavu]

Update: This wave is showing only tiny signs of letting up. It reared its ugly head following the death and funeral of a family member (quel suprise!) two weeks ago. The preceding window consisted of slow improvement over a period of a couple weeks culminating in about 3 wonderful days of complete symptom remission, following by a slow decline, again over several days, into this wave. And it's been a doozy so far. Not as severe as the initial crash, but a little too close for my liking. 

 

Symptoms:

depression and crying spells 7-8/10 

full bladder sensation/urinary frequency (day and night)/urinary retention 7/10

anxiety bordering on panic at times 5/10

hand tremor 5/10

temp disregulation 4/10

itchy skin 4/10

acne breakouts every few days 4/10

loss of appetite 4/10

muscle twitches and jerks 3/10

dizziness/visual distortion 3/10

 

I'm having some success with non-drug coping techniques to allay the anxiety - meditation, self-soothing, distraction, etc., but the depression doesn't seem to want to budge. It centers mostly around (1) grief and (2) withdrawal, but is extremely non-proportional to each. It concerns me because I was never depressed before the rapid zoloft taper last year. 

 

During windows:

I miss my Mom terribly; even shed a tear or two. Then I buck up, tell her I'll make her proud, and go about my day. The memories make me smile, sometimes through tears, but smile nonetheless.

During waves:

I don't know how I'll ever get over losing her. I don't know how to go on without her. And most terrifying of all - I think I don't want to. There's no "going about my day." The memories trigger a hollow, hopeless sense of despair in the core of my soul. I stay in bed.

During windows:

Withdrawal stinks. But I'm getting better every day, and as soon as I stabilize, I can start my taper. Oops, there goes a bit of dizziness. Okay, where was I?

During waves:

This is a life sentence. I'm never going to stabilize. I'm going to suffer and be non-functional all through my taper. And after I jump, I'll be miserable for many more years. When I do finally recover, I'll be too old for any kind of life and will probably have other medical issues by then, so I'll probably never really be well. What good is tapering going to do if I'm going to suffer all the way down? I'm in real trouble here. 

 

It's confusing and alarming for me. I can only imagine how my husband must feel. My head spins to think how quickly the Polypharmaceutical Overlords would diagnose me as bipolar. Or borderline. Or both.

 

Okay, there we go. A little info, a little rant. Now, on to the Q and A portion of the evening. Two questions: 

 

(1) I am 8 months into a sertraline RI. So far, windows and (mostly) waves. Stability continues to elude. I did, at the beginning, make about 4 dose changes (5% up and down, twice), plus a switch to liquid. Have been sitting still on the same dose now for almost 4  months. Each of my windows has occurred in this 4 month period of holding steady, and each one seems to have been an improvement over the last.  So I guess I inadvertently "reset the stability clock" each time I changed things up. Do I take this to mean that my system is calming down and stabilizing, and keep holding, knowing that it's just not time to taper yet? Or is 8 months without stability an indication that this is as good as it's going to get unless I do sone type of dose change? Is there much of a chance that making a cut now would improve my overall baseline? I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, but I'd like to know what the mods think. I'm certainly all about harm reduction, believe me. I just want to assure myself as best I can that I'm not sitting still unnecessarily. I know I asked this same question months ago, but that was then, and it occurs to me that having been so traumatized my the initial crash, I might become a little too complacent about moving forward, and need a gentle nudge to start tapering. I have stayed as stable during these past 4 months as I know how to be. Dosing time never varies more than 15 minutes, and hardly ever at all. Supplements are 400mg magnesium total - 100mg 4x a day, my Cortisol Manager supplement in the evening which continues to have a noticeable calming effect, and 1 mg melatonin at bedtime. 

 

Second question: in this wave, I'm being bothered by bladder symptoms. My bladder constantly feels full and achy, which I assume is the result of bladder spasms, such as one gets from a UTI. This symptom has been present almost constantly during this wave, and is extremely uncomfortable. I had it a few months ago and it went away. Although it's definitely not a UTI, I wonder if Phenazopyridine, the active ingredient in AZO, would provide temporary relief, but as you can imagine, I'm very apprehensive to try it. The drug interraction checker says there are no contraindications (why doesn't that make me feel better...lol!), and of course, that's only half the matter for us. I was wondering if anyone had experience, knowledge or insight into this. Any feedback would be appreciated. 

 

Sorry for the novella. Instead of a million little posts, I tend to save it all up and get it out all at once. Not sure which is best. 

 

Sending healing energy to everyone tonight.

 

DJV

 

 

 

[Gridley]

11 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

Do I take this to mean that my system is calming down and stabilizing, and keep holding,

 

Regarding your first question, brief answer, is yes.  Four months is not a long time to hold.  The fact that you're having windows is an indication that the RI is working.  I would hold and make no changes.  

 

[Tom37]

Sorry the wave is persisting but I’m sure it will start to ease soon. I wouldn’t worry about the depression your feeling now as your in a wave. To be expected unfortunately. I had a 6 week period where emotionally I was so sensitive to everything it was ridiculous and even though I I knew it was wd it was still very uncomfortable.

 

Clearly not a moderator but having windows is a clear indication your healing otherwise you wouldn’t be having them. Remember dose changes early on have assisted in creating this situation so you have to sit tight and let your body sort itself out.

 

I know it’s not easy but we have to give it as much time as it needs. Remember stabilisation can take a long time so try not to put a time limit on it as hard as it is not too. A big fall after a nice window is always tough especially during the first time it happens but you will learn from this for when you go through it again.

 

You will get there, we will get there.

[Dejavu]

Thank you so much @Gridley! I thought so, but a fresh pair of eyes never hurts. Continuing to hold.

 

@Tom37, thank you also for the much needed reminder. How are you feeling? Improved, I hope. How was your sleep last night?

[Tom37]

Just focus on the window you have just had. If you weren’t going to stabilise and stay as you were then that wouldn’t have happened. 

 

Just remember that the windows you have had will only get better but to do that you need to go through the suffering of the waves. 

 

You will get there.

[BreathofAir]

Dear Dejavu, 

 

I am sorry it has taken me some time to get back to you. I won’t discuss my situation right now as I’m under a care team to try to stabilise the benzos and that’s my focus right now. 

 

I saw your recent post and just wanted to get in touch and let you know I am thinking about you very much. 

 

Everything you are feeling and thinking is natural, even if you weren’t going through withdrawal.  Everything you have been through would very likely have an effect on you physically and mentally and the withdrawal and waiting to stabilise is on top of that.  Your situation requires incredible strength, patience, courage, energy and faith and the days you describe as waves are the days when your reserves are lower and will need time to build back up.  Keep eating, keep getting out and about and exercising and your body will be the key to healing your mind.  I understand very well everything you feel. 

 

It is hard not to become obsessive about every symptom, we both know that.  This is not a criticism, but when we use support forums it can be like an echo chamber in that we are hearing/reading a lot of the same things back that we feel, which can have a percolating effect.  This is what I was finding.  It is hard to achieve the right balance between support, feeling triggered and focusing very much on every symptom rather than distracting and working hard on getting through “normal” life, which is the biggest key to moving forward. 

 

I am trying to work on issues of dependency because I know I have been clinging on to certain people and the idea of people being around for me all the time and what makes life worth living.  It is good that you are using self soothing techniques; I am working very hard on those too. I am not asking for cuddles from my husband so often in an effort to break this habit.

 

My new psychiatrist was a colleague of Professor Heather Ashton (!) and was very clear that everyone thinks that they will be the one not to heal.  Positive affirmations are so important.  The grief and acceptance will take time.  I am sure you know this. You were not on the medications for decades and there is no reason you can not recover.  You hold the key. Lock that negativity right away. 

 

I hope someone can offer more advice on the bladder issue. I unfortunately have a bowel issue so I can relate in some ways!  I will try and do some research.  

 

You can do this and you have come a long way. Stick to all your positive habits and behaviours.  My nose is hard to the grindstone for my family, my precious daughter, who breaks my heart every day.  We must fight and we can fight and it will keep getting easier.  We know nothing stays the same. 

 

I have every faith in you. Sending you love, support and big Yorkshire hugs to Texas. 

Bless you and you WILL keep healing. 

 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxx🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Dejavu

 

Are you feeling any better today?

You are going the direction so hang in there.

 

Sassenach

[Sassenach]

Hi Dejavu

 

Just checking in, hope that wave is a wavelet now.

 

Sassenach

[RusTW]

@Dejavu @Tom37 hang in there.im riding one out also.the insomnia sucks.onward though.hope ya feel better soon.

 Russ

[RichT]

How are you doing today?

 

R

[Dejavu]

I think I'm a bit better today. Yesterday was really rough with dizziness, blurry vision and lots of anxiety. But I slept okay. Today I'm a bit depressed and tired which always seems to follow a really anxious day and signal an upward trend. Maybe I'm finally starting to crawl out of the basement. Three weeks into this wave...ugh. C'mon brain, do your stuff!!

[ShiningLight]

On ‎7‎/‎8‎/‎2019 at 5:58 PM, Dejavu said:

 

During waves:

This is a life sentence. I'm never going to stabilize. I'm going to suffer and be non-functional all through my taper. And after I jump, I'll be miserable for many more years. When I do finally recover, I'll be too old for any kind of life and will probably have other medical issues by then, so I'll probably never really be well. What good is tapering going to do if I'm going to suffer all the way down? I'm in real trouble here. 

DJV

 

 

 

 

Deja, so sorry to hear about the deaths in your family.

 

Did writing the wave-thoughts give you any relief? I laughed reading it because I so relate and it's such an excellent example of the black of white thinking of depression. When I look at it that way, it's ludicrous and comical. But I know it's not funny when you believe it, and I do believe it about myself sometimes too. This is a great example of the cognitive distortion called 'predicting the future.'

 

Hope your wave eases up soon.

[Dejavu]

Update for my own edification:

The wave continues, but may be letting up a bit. Little micro windows are coming in and out throughout the day. I slept very well - 8 hours straight through - which was a very pleasant surprise. Low level anxiety after awakening gave way to several hours of feeling a good deal better. Got a little sunshine, and did some office work for 7 hours. Symptoms have now returned. Still, I think I'm slowly coming up for air. Hopefully a better day tomorrow.

[RichT]

12 hours ago, Dejavu said:

Update for my own edification:

The wave continues, but may be letting up a bit. Little micro windows are coming in and out throughout the day. I slept very well - 8 hours straight through - which was a very pleasant surprise. Low level anxiety after awakening gave way to several hours of feeling a good deal better. Got a little sunshine, and did some office work for 7 hours. Symptoms have now returned. Still, I think I'm slowly coming up for air. Hopefully a better day tomorrow.

 

Hi Dejavu, I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. I hope it continues!

 

R

[Vonnegutjunky]

Came by to see how you are and to my surprise! Some small windows!!! So happy to see this Deja!!!!

 

hugs and healing to you!!!!

[Rosetta]

I hope you keep feeling better, Dejavu!! - Rosetta

[Dejavu]

Thank you @Vonnegutjunky and @Rosetta

 

Looks like this wave is hanging in for a bit, but improving ever so slowly. Still battling the same old same old - dizziness, blurry vision, fatigue and depression - but keeping the faith that it soon subsides. Just concentrating on major self care at the moment. 

 

Hope you both are well. Thanks again for stopping by! Sending healing energy your way!

[Tom37]

Sorry to hear your still in this wave. Try not to get disheartened about your recovery because of it. Just shows that you still have healing to do before your body is happy with where it’s at. 

 

My past month has been very average too and even the week I was feeling ‘better’ still wasn’t that good so it does happen. Hopefully we will both turn a corner soon.

[Rosetta]

You are a Mod.  That's great!

[Tom37]

@Dejavu Just checking in to see you are doing ok? Hope that wave you were in as endedor at least weakened?

 

Im still window and waving although just out of possibly clearest window yet so healing does happen just incase your feeling disheartened.

 

Take care.

[Dejavu]

Hey @Tom37, thanks for checking up in me. You beat me to it; I was just thinking about you.

 

I'm starting to come up for air, I think. Last night and today were pretty good. I hope it lasts a while. This wave lasted a month; not nearly as long as the one before it, and the symptoms weren't quite as severe, so that's definite improvement.

 

I'm so glad you're improving also. Hopefully, you'll zip right back into Windowland. Looks like we're both on our way! Boy, crashing stinks, doesn't it? I'm anxious to get to the point where I can start my taper. I know for a fact some of my symptoms are side effects, like the tremor, so that will be with me for a while, though I expect it will diminish as I lower my dose. I'm just ready to get this show on the road. Frustrating to have to wait so long for stabilization. Patience has never been one of my virtues, but I'm learning it now for sure!