Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[Dejavu]

Thank you @brassmonkey and @sunnysideup69. You are both very kind and supportive. I really need and appreciate it. Sincerely.

 

I'm going to note this here, since written notes are hard for me to maintain right now due to tremors.

 

Today has been odd. Mostly not good - lots of tears, anxiety, tremors, floaty head feeling, body aches and catastrophic thoughts that I'm trying to work through with the CBT tools I'm learning, but at which I'm not very effective yet. Sleep was not good and I awoke with a high level of anxiety. But...

 

There have been tiny glimmers of improvement here and there. Nothing even remotely resembling stability, but quick flashes of not-so-negative thoughts and a laugh or two at the antics of my adorable 3 year old grandson. There was a long afternoon nap - almost 2 hours - from which I actually awoke refreshed. I was actually able to ignore the inner tremor long enough to sit with my family in the great room for almost an hour before it just got to be too much and I had to go lie down again. But then more tears and anxiety over the things I need to do that aren't getting done right now. Then more negative thoughts. Then more brief minutes of calm and rational thoughts. Now I'm missing my Mom like crazy and tormenting myself over all the things I wish I'd done and said differently. This is so hard to go through without her.

 

It's crazy. I feel like 2 different people. My brain seems to be jerking me from one side to the other. It is just exhausting. 

[sunnysideup69]

That last paragraph, @Dejavu, right there. I can so relate.

I feel like my own version of Sunny vs. Slim Shady at times.

Last two days, have been in a dip, possibly provoked by overexercising....have been watching (and challenging) those 'life is meaningless' / 'I'm wasting my life' etc. thoughts with fascination as they intrude. 

This morning, have woken up in a good mood. Life is meaningful and I am content with where I'm at, in all its wobbliness.

You just couldn't make this **** up. It's a very strong lesson in not believing the mind/ thoughts.

 

[Dejavu]

@sunnysideup69

7 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I can so relate.

I feel like my own version of Sunny vs. Slim Shady at times.

😂😂😂😂

I can surely see why people who have been on psychiatric drugs for many years wonder "is it withdrawal or me?" Fortunately, I lived 55 years without psych meds. I've had a lot of years to know the real "me," and this creature looking back at me from the mirror these days sure as heck ain't me. I really feel sorry for the people who have been on for so long that they have that existential doubt. With everything else to deal with in ADWD, that seems unnecessarily cruel.

 

Are you doing well overall? Closing in on stability? It sure seems like it. In spite of everything, you're getting it done, Ruth. You're a tremendous source of comfort and support to the folks on this forum, and no doubt to your folks. You're kind and intelligent. Doesn't seem like a wasted life to me. You've been through a lot...a whole lot. Time to be kind to yourself. I'm genuinely happy for the opportunity to know you, and grateful for all the help you've given me. 

[sunnysideup69]

2 hours ago, Dejavu said:

@sunnysideup69

😂😂😂😂

I can surely see why people who have been on psychiatric drugs for many years wonder "is it withdrawal or me?" Fortunately, I lived 55 years without psych meds. I've had a lot of years to know the real "me," and this creature looking back at me from the mirror these days sure as heck ain't me. I really feel sorry for the people who have been on for so long that they have that existential doubt. With everything else to deal with in ADWD, that seems unnecessarily cruel.

 

Are you doing well overall? Closing in on stability? It sure seems like it. In spite of everything, you're getting it done, Ruth. You're a tremendous source of comfort and support to the folks on this forum, and no doubt to your folks. You're kind and intelligent. Doesn't seem like a wasted life to me. You've been through a lot...a whole lot. Time to be kind to yourself. I'm genuinely happy for the opportunity to know you, and grateful for all the help you've given me. 

 Aaw, that's so lovely of you. Thank you. Overall, about two thirds of every month I feel okay to good. Not fantastic. About a third of the time , I feel worse. Even when I'm worse, I'm functional. That seems to be where I'm at.

It's definitely an improvement on this time last year, but recovery from all the changes, the MDMA misadventure and the switch to Ven is slow.BUT, it's happening.

A lot of times, I'm impatient. I feel like I can see friends getting on with their lives/ moving forwards/ finding new relationships etc. and I feel like I'm stuck, treading water, going WAY slower than I'd like. It's frustrating at times, so am taking the opportunity on those good days to look at all the blessings I have. There are plenty. A roof over my head, caring parents and friends, money in the bank, a stable job (in this climate is a true blessing.)

Thank you. It's good to know you, too, @Dejavu. One thing this whole debacle has done that's positive is expanded the number of good people I'm getting to know and you're one of them.

 

[brassmonkey]

It sounds like both of your are making some very good progress both WD wise and personally. For many ADWD can be used as a time for personal assessment and growth. The WD process makes us question almost every aspect of our lives and belief system. It is hard to go through, a trial by fire at times, but so worth it. Many of us started these drugs because something was wrong in our lives that was causing us problems. Those things are now in the past and they should remain there.  Our thought processes and beliefs that lead to those situations are in the process of being burn away by the changes the drugs have made and the ADWD process. It is the perfect time to rebuild in the image that we want, not the image we are told we want.

 

I found making the break from society dictated measures of achievement to my personal definition of contentment to be very important. What my friends and neighbors have and do is interesting to watch, but it is what makes me content in my life that  really matters. My wife and I have a nice house, not the biggest or best, but we are quite happy with it and do little things to make it more our own. Living in Los Angeles there is no way to win at that game. Snoop Dog has a place about a mile from here worth five or six times what ours is.  Bill Gates is just across town, no way we could compete there. But it doesn't matter, we love where we are and it makes us happy.

 

I have a friend who is a Doctors receptionist (low pay, part time) who will spend $500 for a designer handbag with out a thought, only to have to buy a different one next month because this one is out of style. We see it all the time here with cloths, cars, cell phones, you name it. It never makes the people happy, only more and more frustrated. Identifying the things that make one content and building on them is what is important. I have a nice house, a good car, I can travel when conditions allow and food on the table. I don't care that my neighbor just bought a ????, I'm happy for them but it really doesn't matter to me.

 

Contentment is part of the concept of "Living Without a Goal". From birth we are programmed to achieve. "The one who dies with the most toys wins". "You're nobody, unless you're the best". "Why are you sitting around when you could be out achieving/earning"? Those are false, unobtainable goals that can never be reached and lead to a life of frustration, anxiety and depression. It is much better to discover what makes one content and strive for a and maintain that level on a physical and spiritual level.

 

All this is very much a art of ADWD.  The healing process involves relegating the past to the past, and making reasonable plans for the future but not worrying about it. More importantly it is about learning to be content with who we are and where we are and making the changes required to get us to that point.

[Dejavu]

1 hour ago, brassmonkey said:

It sounds like both of your are making some very good progress both WD wise and personally.

Thanks, Tom. I wish I felt that way. Today has begun horribly and I'm having trouble believing it will ever come right again. Anxiety bordering on panic, sore musculature, head pressure, inner and exterior tremor, and some DP.  I keep reminding myself that improvement doesn't happen overnight, but days like today make me feel like I'm moving backwards. 

 

I really do want to make this period of my life into a transformation of sorts. But it's hard to think in such transcendental terms when I'm suffering so much in the here and now. Hard to look ahead to a time of relief. Hard to believe I will ever feel any other way than I do now. Every day is the same. Tears. Fear. Doubt. 

[sunnysideup69]

Gosh @brassmonkey, that made me tear up....so true, all of that. I'm still that happy, content person, underneath the anhedonia that sometimes strikes...gonna copy your comment to my thread, so I can re read it when I'm making comparisons.

Hugs to you both xxx

[Rosetta]

Sending hugs, Dejavú.  It will change, but I know that doesn’t help much when you are in a deep wave.  They are so hard to get through.  I had one quite recently.  Hang in there!  - Rosetta

[Cigale]

Oh my sweet @Dejavu - I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am sending you huge healing hugs! I am all too familiar with your wave symptoms, and how they can just knock you so far down. It sucks, plain and simple. For me it can be difficult to even think about distracting or using CBT or meditating.

 

One thing that usually helps a little bit is a walk outside, especially with my older dog Stella because she keeps the pace very slow, sniffing and checking all kinds of smells. (I like to say she is checking her pee-mail, hah!) Maybe some fresh air and a walk, breath in and think of how each deep breath is healing your CNS. The other thing that helps ease my soul is gratitude journaling. For about 10-15 minutes every night before I sleep, I write down all the things from that day I am grateful for. And I always thank myself for surviving.

 

On 8/31/2020 at 4:29 AM, Dejavu said:

There was a long afternoon nap - almost 2 hours - from which I actually awoke refreshed.

 

Now I've got to admit I am jealous of this nap 🤪. What I wouldn't give for a nap, where I wake up drooling! Any how, I think your nap is a very good sign of healing.

 

I also want to share something Pug wrote recently. I will find it and post it also.

 

🤗

[Cigale]

 

[sunnysideup69]

How are you doing?

[Dejavu]

@sunnysideup69

Thanks for checking on me, Ruth. It's exactly two months today that I've been in this wave. I'm having short, partial windows. They don't last very long, but it's better than nothing. Last Friday, I felt about 50% better for the last half of the day, but back into it when I woke the next morning. Then I slept 7.5 hours last night and awoke with much lower anxiety than usual this morning. I'm hoping this means I will turn a corner soon. The anxiety, depression, shakiness, dizziness and odd vision are big problems for me and make it very hard to distract when they hit hard. The other symptoms are tolerable.

 

I seem to have this compulsion to come on here and read horror stories, so that I'll "know what I'm dealing with" if the worst happens to me. Predictably, it causes me to panic and raises my fear and anxiety exponentially. I am an abuse survivor, and my therapist has pointed out that this is a form of self-bullying and self-abuse, so I have promised myself that I will only log in twice a day to read positive threads and offer support to my friends until I am stable again. 

 

I am learning a lot in therapy. Trying to practice my CBT skills, but I don't feel very effective at it yet. My negative thinking is so deeply ingrained over the decades that it is hard to overcome. But I do the homework and have had a couple of tiny victories so far, so I guess it will come easier in time. More challenging is the deep diving we do. We are unpacking my life one trauma at a time, and it is so painful at times. But I always feel a sense of calm afterward, like a tiny bit more weight has lifted. I sometimes wonder if now is a bad time to be doing the analysis, since I'm not yet stable. But I don't know that I can GET stable without it. My therapist seems very skillful, and knowing my propensity for self-punishment, she will often steer me away from painful memories if I become overwhelmed. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it if I had to drive to appointments. Telemedicine makes all the difference in the world!!

 

Anyway, thanks for checking on me. I'm just trying to take it day by day. Hope you are doing well. I will pop over to your thread now.

 

Paula

[Erell]

Oh I hadn't understood that you were seeing a therapist in video : this is such a great idea !

I thank you for mentionning it, I'd like to try.

 

I know how hard it is, but I'm glad to read that you have some moments of relief : even if they don't last long they are huge to regain some strenght !

 

I send you big hugs, if you like them ❤

 

[Dejavu]

@Erell, I love them! Thanks!

 

I hope you do decide on video therapy. I don't really have the strength - mental or physical - at this point to drive anywhere, so it is a real blessing for me.

 

I hope you are seeing some improvement toward stabilization, my friend. I'm not always able to post, but I think of you every day and hope you are feeling at least a bit better.

[Cigale]

Hello @Dejavu - Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me today. I do appreciate your straightforward advice. 

 

I hope you’re continuing to improve with longer, brighter windows.

 

🤗 

[composter]

Any larger windows appearing for you?

 

Hearing you bring up patterns of abuse and self-abuse is very insightful. It reminds me of the recent Paris Hilton documentary that came out on YouTube, oddly enough. She has come forward describing an abusive residential treatment program she was sent to as a teen. Very cruel and perverse tactics like verbal and physical abuse as well as forced drugging of psych medications. She crafted her public persona as a way to escape that past. Tragically, it appears that this type of program scars people to having a distrust of therapists. Largely bc the “therapists” they saw ended up tattling on them to parents and betraying trust. 
 

Sorry if this tangent was triggering at all. I’m glad that you have found a good therapist and the video appointments sound like a godsend. I’m glad you don’t have a distrust to therapy and seeking help!

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Dejavu, so glad that therapy is helping. It defin itely makes us more resilient if done well. I know you can't also drop in and read, but just wanted to wave hello. I'm currently readjusting to work. Sending you support from London xxx

[Erell]

Thinking of you dear ❤️ 

[sunnysideup69]

Sending more hugs and good wishes ❤️

 

[Dejavu]

Hello @composter @sunnysideup69 @Erell @Cigale and everyone else. Thank you for checking up on me.

 

3 months post-crash now. I have had some noticeable improvements. Still a ways to go to be stable, though. I no longer suffer from relentless anxiety 24x7. It does come and go, but it is mild. The worst of it is, of course, in the morning, and even that has tamped down some, but it is still there, and I hate it. It's very hard to stay positive when your day starts like that. But on the brighter side, my depression is now episodic; not the black, soul-crushing kind. Crying spells are now actually "spells," rather than an all-day affair (hubs is certainly happy about that!). I'm not even sure it's all completely withdrawal-related. There's a whole lot to be stressed and depressed over in the US these days.

 

I'm still pretty trembly and have distorted vision all the time, but these at least fluctuate in intensity. Dizziness, swimmy-headedness (which causes some light DP), and balance issues come and go. My face looks like a pizza - it's very disheartening to look in the mirror, so I try not to very often.

 

I think my sleep is slowly restoring itself. I'm getting a few more 7-8 hour nights with only 2 awakenings. I've always awoken once, even before AD's, so this isn't far from normal. For the past 6 weeks or so, I've almost always gotten at least 6 hours. And it feels more restorative. I'm grateful. Other little symptoms come and go, but don't bother me.

 

I have decided that after I am stable, it will be a long time before I restart my taper. With the US situation in regard to politics and COVID continuing to worsen, some current family drama, grief, and the difficult but necessary journey I'm taking in therapy, I have determined that now is just not the time. I am very disappointed that I can't rid myself of this poison any faster, but there are too many outside factors at play right now. I will still be checking in, but for now I am having trouble with thinking every horror story I read here will be mine, and every success story will not. As soon as I attain more stability, I'm sure that will no longer be the case, and I will be in a better position to help others. 

 

I hope everyone is feeling well. Will check back soon!

 

DJV

[Erell]

On 10/5/2020 at 4:45 PM, Dejavu said:

I will still be checking in, but for now I am having trouble with thinking every horror story I read here will be mine, and every success story will not. As soon as I attain more stability, I'm sure that will no longer be the case, and I will be in a better position to help others.

 

I get that, so much ! But I also know that as we get better we are less triggered and more able to support.

Take care of you, that's your job

 

I'm really glad to read that you're seeing improvments, sending you hugs ❤️

 

[sunnysideup69]

 So glad to read this @Dejavu, ie that there are some improvements. Absolutely, take care of you first. There is no rush to taper, it's not a competition.I totally understand the frustration but we have to be mindful of so many things.

Sending hugs xxx

[Frogie]

I just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing?

 

I hope a little better😊

[Cigale]

Sending you healing hugs 🤗 @Dejavu! I hope you are continuing to see improvements as you so wisely hold where you are. Thank you again for all the support you have provided me, and so many other, I often review your posts and guidance as I work my along this bumpy journey. With so much gratitude, Cigale.

[sunnysideup69]

Sending hugs, thinking of you ❤️

[Erell]

Hello @Dejavu,

 

How are you doing these days?

 

Hoping you're enjoying a bright shiny window  ❤

[Carmie]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you🧡

[Dejavu]

Hi Everyone! Thank you all so much for checking on me. I am grateful and humbled. More than you know.

 

I was doing pretty well around the holidays. I did a small, stress-free Thanksgiving and Christmas for our small household, and I felt about 90-95% normal during that time. I truly felt I was on my way back to stabilization after cutting too fast and too erratically resulted in a crash back in July. I was almost symptom-free and what few symptoms I still had were minor. Then, on New Year's Day, I awoke with a sore throat and other symptoms of a respiratory infection, and the fear that I had Covid immediately took hold in my health-anxiety riddled brain. The next day, the morning anxiety was back. Then, the vision problems, shakiness and dizziness returned. Waiting 3 days for the result of my Covid test did nothing to help my frayed nerves. My anxiety was so high that, even after I got a negative test result, I couldn't make myself believe it wasn't a false negative. What I actually had was a pretty nasty sinus infection, so nasty that I'm still getting over it. And I have been back in this wave ever since.

 

I am battling severe depression and disappointment at this point. Back in 2019, when I CT'd and crashed, it took 10 months after reinstatement for me to stabilize, but when I finally did, I was pretty much at 100%. This time around, I'm approaching the 7 month mark, but unlike last time, it is so hard for me to believe I'll ever get stable again. And I don't know why.

 

I have a very good therapist who understands ADWD and I try to use the CBT skills she is providing, but it's almost impossible to do in those moments when the chemical anxiety and depression is high. My therapist also believes - and I agree - that I am somewhat "stuck" in a grief state due to so many close family deaths and illnesses over the past couple of years. I have had health anxiety since my 20's, due to a traumatic event, which makes this Covid pandemic especially frightening for me. Basically, the combination of withdrawal, COVID and my deep grief all comes together in my head, making me think/feel that recovery of any kind will always be out of reach for me. It feels like it's all just too much to come back from. I'm due to take my first vaccine tomorrow morning, and instead of feeling hopeful, I'm afraid it will make my withdrawal symptoms worse.

 

Intellectually, I know that things aren't as bad as my mind is making them out to be. I know that eventually, we will stop this pandemic, and at some point life as we knew it will resume. Likewise with withdrawal, I know that I will eventually stabilize, especially since I did so completely before, and that I will then be able to resume a slower taper, and eventually heal.  But another part of me sees that as unlikely and too far off, which fills me with hopelessness. And I work hard to fight against those damaging lies my brain tells me, but sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, they seem to win out.

 

I'm sorry for such a negative post. It's not the post I had envisioned making, given that I was doing so well just a few weeks ago. I do have a support system, headed by my wonderful hubs, but let's face it; no one outside of this forum can truly understand what it feels like to walk in our shoes. I'm so disheartened. I haven't been able to make a cut since May and I'm just at a standstill at 20mg of sertraline and will be for the foreseeable future. Will I EVER be able to come off? I would be grateful for any honest feedback and/or encouragement. Thanks, fellow warriors.

[Dejavu]

Really tough day. This disappointing wave - coming as it has just when I felt I was stabilizing somewhat - has laid me low. I am so tired. This is the third time I have crashed. The first was from an ativan CT in 2016. An ER doc rx'ed 90 tablets 3x a day for a panic attack and told me to follow up with my PCP if I didn't feel better after a month. And everyone on this forum knows what happened a month later. That horrifying crash brought me to the doorstep of a PDOC who cold-switched me to klonopin, updosed me to 3 mg and added sertraline to "help" with benzo withdrawal. Stabilized on klonopin and took 15 months to taper off. PDOC then told me I could just "walk off" the sertraline because it was so "gentle." Again, I know I need not explain what happened next. On Crash #2, the angels on this life-saving site helped me reinstate and I stabilized again after ten months of struggle. Then I knocked myself back off the wall 8 months later by cutting too soon, too much and too fast (at least for me), with an accidental dosing error thrown in for good measure. Now I'm almost 7 months into this wave, waiting for stabilization yet again. And I was close to it, I believe, in November and December - many symptoms having gone completely, others lessening in intensity on the daily. I was planning my victory post here. Then I got sick with a sinus infection on Jan 1, and it all came tumbling down again. Today, my symptoms rival the beginning of this wave and I am in despair. And like I said above, I'm just exhausted. 

 

I'm tired of withdrawal. I'm tired of this pandemic. I'm tired of all the insanity going on in the US. I'm tired of people I love dying. I'm tired of being afraid I'll never be myself again. 

 

For the last few years, I've held the goal of getting safely off sertraline very close to my heart. I have imagined so many times how it would feel to be free of the AD albatross hanging around my neck. Of having a glass of wine or even grapefruit juice. Of feeling once again the energy and sense of well-being that sertraline side effects rob from me. But today, I have a harsh truth to face. I am almost 60 years old, and I so am tired of feeling dizzy, anxious and shaky. I'm tired of my eyes not focusing properly. I am bone-weary. Tired in my heart and tired in my soul. I realized today that, after I stabilize yet again, I'm not sure I have it in me to start a taper. I don't know if I can go through feeling WD symptoms after every cut for years on end. I don't know if I can endure the post-zero symptoms. I hesitate to even write that, because I know this is a site for going off antidepressants, not for staying on them, and I'm not looking forward to losing the support of this community. And I honestly don't WANT to stay on this rat poison. But I just don't think I have much fight left in me. 

 

My husband has been loyal and supportive through this entire horrible odyssey. He doesn't deserve any more of this. I have a 4 year old grandson who has never seen me truly healthy. He asks why I'm always in bed. Hubby correctly points out that I don't have to make the decision right now. But here are the cold hard facts: 1. This pandemic has caused my anxiety levels to spike to unbelievable heights. 2. So has the current political climate in the United States (although we are now hopeful that we are finally heading in the right direction again  the rancor and divisiveness remain strong as ever). 3. My therapist has pointed out that I am "stuck" in grief and PTSD after having endured the deaths of my mother, sister, uncle and dear friend in the span of 2.5 years, and unpacking all that is going to require a great deal of strength. 4. My mother's death was precipitated by her immense pain and suffering which haunts me to this day. Until these issues are all resolved, I know I have no earthly business attempting a taper. 

 

I was hoping to be free of zoloft in a few years. But today I realized I have to face the fact that that likely won't happen anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that this drug might beat me. It might win. I might have to quit; to give up on virtually the only dream I've had for almost 5 years. As sick as I've been at times, I never - not once - considered this would be the case. Until today. I feel weak and defeated. I never wanted this to be my new normal. I've never accepted it as such. But...

 

If I sound like a spoiled brat, I guess that's because I feel like one right now. My attitude notwithstanding, I could sure use a kind word of anyone has one to spare. Thanks for letting me vent.

[DaBro]

Don’t despair @Dejavu  you’re “gentle’ Zoloft comment tickles me. My doc told me at 25mg that it probably wasn’t doing anything and to just jump off. How wrong he was. I had delayed onset of WD so didn’t reinstate and have been through the wringer like us all. I’m tired of it too. I had an ear infection last week and the doctor said how well I was coping with the pain. She said ear infections were one of the hardest things to deal with. I explained to her that it was a walk in the park compared to Zoloft withdrawal. She didn’t understand. We will prevail. I’m sleeping and tremors and sweating have stopped. It may be at glacier speed but we’re healing. Be kind to yourself. 

[Dejavu]

Thank you @DaBro, for your encouragement. I wish I were as far along as you are, and I'm so glad you are sleeping and the trembling has stopped. That is one of the worst symptoms for me. I can't imagine having to CT. Fortunately for me, WD kicked in 1 month after my last dose  and I was able to successfully reinstate, but it still took almost a year to reach full stability. I'm sorry you didn't have that option. How are you feeling now?

 

Again, thanks for reaching out to me. It is very much appreciated. 

[DaBro]

I’m feeling pretty good thanks. My physical and emotional symptoms have subsided a lot and I’m normally sleeping for 8-10 hours a night unbroken which is bliss after years of terrible insomnia. I typically get 2 bad days a week but I remember 6 week long waves a year ago. 

 

My main symptom now is throbbing head and burning brain. I reckon it’s nerve healing and a good sign. So hoping I’m on the home straight. 

[arbor]

Hi @DejavuSooo sorry you're having to go through this.  Yesterday was a really hard day for me too, after only a couple hours of sleep.  I've lost all sight of the "future."  Today is somewhat better, mainly thanks to the kindness of others.  I appreciate hearing your voice.   People who haven't gone through this can't imagine the harrowing pain of it.  Please don't stop reaching out.  I support you no matter wave or window--🌞arbor

[Dejavu]

Thank you so much @arbor. I deeply appreciate hearing from you. I have read your thread. You have certainly been through the pharmaceutical wringer. You are very strong and pragmatic. Your grace under pressure is enviable. I could certainly use a little of what you're having - haha!

 

I am happy that you have managed to shed the cause of your health issues and that your general state of health is on the uptick. But the agonizingly slow process of recovery from the damage caused by these drugs, and the refusal of the medical profession to give credence to anecdotal accounts from their suffering patients - preferring instead to drink the kool-aid conveniently served up by Big Pharma - all of that is just mind-boggling. I'll never forget how shocked I was the day I learned that this "gentle" drug I had been prescribed for no good reason would take years to come off of, and that there was absolutely no meaningful mitigation for the pain I would endure in that time. I never thought such blatant disregard for another human being's welfare would come from members of a profession whose main credo is "do no harm." To label it "evil" or "Draconian" doesn't begin to cover it. To this day, I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

 

It is so hard to persevere day after day, and so easy to lose hope when you're as tired as we all are. I know I'm exhausted. I have crashed 3 times now since 2016. It has taken me the better part of a year to stabilize each time, so I have every expectation that this one will fall into that basic timeframe too. Another year gone. More time I will never get back. I'm sure you feel the same way.

 

Again, thank you for reaching out to me. A voice calling out of the darkness - just when I needed it. I am more grateful than you know.

[arbor]

Dear @DejavuI so commiserate with everything you're describing.  Plus you're also mourning your Mom and sister--really, really tough.  From what I read, I believe you will find a bigger and bigger window.  I write that for both of us.  I'm so grateful you know what I'm going through.  "Hard to bear" doesn't come near describing these waves.  I don't know that I could face this alone.  Thinking of you--

Arbor

[Dejavu]

@arbor

1 hour ago, arbor said:

I'm so grateful you know what I'm going through.  

I certainly do. Lean on me any time you feel the need.

 

I'm really leaning toward holding for quite a while after I stabilize. I'm doing some difficult grief work with my therapist, and of course, Covid is still running wild here. I've been very affected by all the political unrest in the US for the past 4 years. I just feel like I need a break. Do you ever feel that way?

 

Something interesting that crossed my mind today: I received my first Covid vaccine last Thursday. I was already back in this wave, but my symptoms have worsened considerably starting yesterday. I wonder if the vaccine has anything to do with that. I guess it doesn't matter, because I have no choice but to get the 2nd booster, but it's something I'll be watching for. 

 

I'm very sorry about your husband's diagnosis. Are you his caregiver? If so, that must be quite difficult, especially in withdrawal.

 

How has your return to work been? Are you able to carve out any quality of life between waves? At least you are off completely. Hopefully, you will make steady progress now. I'm betting that you will. There's no pharmaceutical impediment to your healing now. 

 

1 hour ago, arbor said:

don't know that I could face this alone.  Thinking of you--

Right back atcha. Sending you all the healing energy I can muster tonight. Please keep in touch.