planifolia: Lexapro reinstatement

[Vonnegutjunky]

Following 

[Dejavu]

Hi planifolia

 

I'm in a very similar situation as you. Reinstated zoloft after a 4 week fast taper. I reinstated a month later at half my original dose and its been 4 months that I have been awaiting stabilization as well. I haven't done myself any favors by adjusting my dose up and down during that time, like you, trying to find that sweet spot. All I've succeeded in doing is keeping my system destabilized. I've only had one window of about 2 days since last November. I have the same psychological symptoms as you as well as several physical ones, and the anxiety, especially in the morning, is very problematic. If I were you I would listen to bubble and sit still on your dose. You're already seeing improvements and I'm sure that will continue.

 

Keep your head up!

[planifolia]

Unfortunately, yesterday in the evening I entered another wave. Was sitting on my bed when a terrible feeling of dread and panic washed over me suddenly. I am now back in that horrible place. However I think this wave is not as bad as before. But I also didn’t return to as good as a baseline as before. Hopefully this will past soon and stabalisation is just around the corner.

[planifolia]

On 3/17/2019 at 7:02 AM, Dejavu said:

Hi planifolia

 

I'm in a very similar situation as you. Reinstated zoloft after a 4 week fast taper. I reinstated a month later at half my original dose and its been 4 months that I have been awaiting stabilization as well. I haven't done myself any favors by adjusting my dose up and down during that time, like you, trying to find that sweet spot. All I've succeeded in doing is keeping my system destabilized. I've only had one window of about 2 days since last November. I have the same psychological symptoms as you as well as several physical ones, and the anxiety, especially in the morning, is very problematic. If I were you I would listen to bubble and sit still on your dose. You're already seeing improvements and I'm sure that will continue.

 

Keep your head up!

Hello Deja

 

it’s always good to know a buddy going through something similar to you! I’m sure that now we know not to meddle the dosages, stabalisation is just around the corner! The morning anxiety is awful isn’t it? I had many days waking up utterly in terror, thought I was doomed! Hopefully you get more windows and easier days are ahead. Once we stabalize, slow slow taper and hopefully a smooth ride to recovery. 

 

We will make it!!😁

Edited March 22, 2019 by planifolia

[planifolia]

Things are not calming down. SI has been extreme, terror gone insane, and uncontrollable rage, a lot of screaming and hitting and crying. Tried hitting a punching bag, throwing pillows, but nothing seem to help ease the frenzy, but maybe making it worse. Couldn’t stop pacing the entire day until I collpased from exhuastion .  Goes on the entire day,  It got so horrible that my neighbours called a guard up. I am terrified. I must muster every strength and courage to get through every second. Can’t give up. I can be so close to stabalizing. But my goodness how long can this go on for.. I am drained rock bottom

 

sorry for such a negative post. Holding on for my dear life again. 

 

Just put one step in front of the other this too shall pass

[Vonnegutjunky]

I’m sorry for your suffering- I’ve been there a and I know how awful it feels - i remember just laying in bed and closing my eyes and ears and eating for time to pass and counting in my head until I got bored of counting into the the tens of thousands so afraid - 

 

this will pass - it will not be forever - just remember that and know your not alone 🙏🙏

[planifolia]

2 hours ago, Vonnegutjunky said:

I’m sorry for your suffering- I’ve been there a and I know how awful it feels - i remember just laying in bed and closing my eyes and ears and eating for time to pass and counting in my head until I got bored of counting into the the tens of thousands so afraid - 

 

this will pass - it will not be forever - just remember that and know your not alone 🙏🙏

Thank you Vonne, I am very grateful for your encouragement. I looked at your recent post and it seems you also got slammed back into a wave.  Lets get through this tough patch we'll make it. Great windows are waiting just around the corner!

[planifolia]

Things are horrific. I have started to develop mental Akathisia. I feel this incredible tension and agitation in my body that I need to constantly release. Can’t stop screaming, moaning and groaning. Spasms are also occuring on my arms, which seems to be occuring to release the tension and agitation. I am in extreme terror and panic. Suicidal. 

 

I’m desperate. It’s hard to endure much longer. Should I continue on this dosage? I’m thinking of taking proponal for a few days to get me through. I think it’s better a few days medicated than ending up in the ER 

 

Hope the admins have some advice. 

[planifolia]

I understand that it is advised to not go around the dosages when trying to stabalize. But I understand that sometimes when people struggle to stabalize upon reinstatement, decreasing the dosage they feel much better?

 

for nearly my entire time over the decade on lexapro, I was on 10mg. It was only a few months before I did my rapid taper that I was on 20mg. So 13.5mg is an overshoot of my normative dose. I noticed some people who decreased their dosage to their usual dosage find themselves in a better stabalized state, although I know it’s unpredictable. 

 

I’m just not sure what to do, I have never stayed on 10mg when reinstated, and just wondering if this may be a prudent plan.

 

it is hard to keep going. my throat is completely raw and broken from screaming. The SI is overwhelming. 

 

I have gotten my dad to contact all 150+ Psychiatirst in Hong Kong, there must be at least one who understands this.

 

Thank you all. Just trying to get through another day. 

 

 

[bubble]

On 3/7/2019 at 8:00 AM, Altostrata said:

planifolia, did you accidentally miss a dose or take it late? In what form are you taking 13.5mg Lexapro?

 

What time of day do you take Lexapro? How does your symptom pattern change after your daily dose?

 

Very few doctors anywhere in the world have a clue about tapering or withdrawal symptoms or even adverse effects from psychiatric drugs. I wish I could refer you to a doctor, but I cannot.

 

Could you give more details about your symptom pattern as Alto described?

 

I saw that before you went up and down in dose but it didn't help and sometimes it made things worse. If you decide to change the dose again only do it by 0.5 mg. This will give you an indication as to if reducing would help but if it doesn't the symptoms will not be so bad.

 

What self-soothing methods are you using? Although things are bad now it will get better. Hang in there. Really hope relief is round the corner.

[planifolia]

8 minutes ago, bubble said:

 

Could you give more details about your symptom pattern as Alto described?

 

I saw that before you went up and down in dose but it didn't help and sometimes it made things worse. If you decide to change the dose again only do it by 0.5 mg. This will give you an indication as to if reducing would help but if it doesn't the symptoms will not be so bad.

 

What self-soothing methods are you using? Although things are bad now it will get better. Hang in there. Really hope relief is round the corner.

Thank you bubble for always helping me out😭😭 

 

I really do not have much symptom pattern regardless of the dose; it is very random. I never notice anything significantly different immediately changing dosages.

Everyday, It is basically waking up in the morning and until I sleep in severe symptoms. The main ones are DR, SI, Terror. Akathesia and Spasm pops up here and there during severe setbacks in all dosages. 

 

When I was on 15mg, I had good windows for a month then crashed, then reduced the dosage to 13.5mg.

At 13.5mg, I had another window for about a month, then crashed again. I then had a semi-window (the crappiest window. Was just happy the SI was gone and I could get out my sofa) for about a week, then now in severe crisis again. 

 

I just feel that because my reinstated dose is higher than my normative dose, my brain is getting overwhelmed, since even reinstating at normative dose can overwhelm the brain. Maybe if I reinstated at sub-normative dose (e.g., 5mg), and getting windows and waves, It would be most prudent to ride it out then to fly around dosages. I just have a feeling that my current dosage may be somewhat too much a struggle for my brain to calibrate to?

 

I think maybe i will try 13mg, if things don't improve. My sister (a radiologist) given me some propranolol. I'm praying tommorow things will change for the better. 

 

For self-soothing things I've done

-I printed out pages of pictures of the things to look forward to when I get better. Placed them on the walls. Pictures of my university campus, my favorite cafe, my martial art equipments, the girl I have been chasing for years and want to date when this is over, the places I want to visit -Taj Mahal, The great pyramids, the aurora, the grand canyon etc. and just anything that tells me you need to fight through this, life is beautiful and there's too much good ahead to give up.

-I write a list of all my gratitudes in a huge documents.

-I look at a picture of myself as a child, and I say you can't give up on this kid.

-I do self-hugs (butterfly hugs?)

-I imagine myself free of symptoms, and that I have recovered, and how proud that I didn't give up

-Positive affirmations (This too shall pass, this is temporary)

 

I went through 4 years of benzo withdrawal and these helped tremendously to keep my head afloat. But lexapro.. the symptoms is in a severity beyond my imagination, and nothing helps me to keep going. The suffering so intense that even when thinking of the good ahead, I felt it was not worth it. This is too much. 

it is just getting through a minute of the time. Sometimes I would look at a analog clock and see its seconds hand go from 12 to 12, and would literally say Please one more minute!

 

Sorry about this negativity. This is just overwhelming.  

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

This is exactly what happened to me on Paxil. 

I reinstated at a higher than normal dose and fairly quickly  developed akathisia. 

 

I didnt kniw what what was wrong with me, I didn’t know what akathisia was. 

 

I stayed at my dose for 5 months waiting for it to work, then I decided to taper, I felt better with each taper, but even when I got down to my normal dose I still had akathisia. It would come and go in windows and waves. It wasn’t until I got down even lower that the akathisia lifted and withdrawal kicked in. 

 

I just went really slow, and each time the akathisia ramped up I cut down and it lessened. 

 

If your med is making you suicidal you should probably keep lowering it, very slowly. 

[planifolia]

41 minutes ago, Vonnegutjunky said:

This is exactly what happened to me on Paxil. 

I reinstated at a higher than normal dose and fairly quickly  developed akathisia. 

 

I didnt kniw what what was wrong with me, I didn’t know what akathisia was. 

 

I stayed at my dose for 5 months waiting for it to work, then I decided to taper, I felt better with each taper, but even when I got down to my normal dose I still had akathisia. It would come and go in windows and waves. It wasn’t until I got down even lower that the akathisia lifted and withdrawal kicked in. 

 

I just went really slow, and each time the akathisia ramped up I cut down and it lessened. 

 

If your med is making you suicidal you should probably keep lowering it, very slowly. 

It's re-assuring to know you felt better going down! and the akathisia gone. I'm guessing the 5 months was pretty brutal?

 

I also think something has to change, because it's unsustainable with the suicide urges. 

 

Thank you Vonne

 

[mdwstrx]

I am praying for you, Planifolia. This will end!  Try to follow the mods advice and remember that your system needs stability to stabilize, and that time is a huge factor.   

 

 

[Altostrata]

Good observation, @Vonnegutjunky

 

If you're taking too high a dosage of the drug, your nervous system might feel some relief after a decrease, then when it's accommodated, react badly again to a dosage that's still too high.

 

4 hours ago, planifolia said:

When I was on 15mg, I had good windows for a month then crashed, then reduced the dosage to 13.5mg.

At 13.5mg, I had another window for about a month, then crashed again.

 

What do you mean by "crashed"?

 

I still need to know what time of day do you take Lexapro and how does your symptom pattern change after your daily dose.

[planifolia]

6 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Good observation, @Vonnegutjunky

 

If you're taking too high a dosage of the drug, your nervous system might feel some relief after a decrease, then when it's accommodated, react badly again to a dosage that's still too high.

 

 

What do you mean by "crashed"?

 

I still need to know what time of day do you take Lexapro and how does your symptom pattern change after your daily dose.

Crash in terms of entering a wave or crisis. Where symptoms return in severe intensity, SI and all that.

 

I was thinking the same thing, as in most of the decade on lexapro was on 10mg, so I felt maybe my brain is accustomed to 10mg and my current dosage is too high.

 

i take it every morning at around 8am. I don’t notice any change in symptom pattern after taking it. There is no reduction or intensification of symptoms, no new symptoms. 

 

It is basically At 7am, I wake up in terror, SI, DR, rage, everything overwhelming, and then at 8am i take the lexapro. The terror SI DR rage never changes throughout the entire day. Is this the information you were looking for? 

 

Thanks alto

 

 

[planifolia]

7 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Good observation, @Vonnegutjunky

 

If you're taking too high a dosage of the drug, your nervous system might feel some relief after a decrease, then when it's accommodated, react badly again to a dosage that's still too high.

 

 

What do you mean by "crashed"?

 

I still need to know what time of day do you take Lexapro and how does your symptom pattern change after your daily dose.

 

Your first paragraph resonates

 

When I reduced from

*20mg -> 15mg: had a month of window (relief?) then crisis (feeling bad after accomodation?)

*15mg -> 13.5mg: had a month of window (relief?) then crisis (feeling bad after accomodation?), 1 week of crappy window, then another crisis (continues to react badly because too high?)

 

Do you think that’s what is going on?

[Vonnegutjunky]

2 hours ago, planifolia said:

 

When I reduced from

*20mg -> 15mg: had a month of window (relief?) then crisis (feeling bad after accomodation?)

*15mg -> 13.5mg: had a month of window (relief?) then crisis (feeling bad after accomodation?), 1 week of crappy window, then another crisis (continues to react badly because too high?)

 

@planifolia This is to a tee what has been happening with me for the past 4 years. As I slowly go down, with each cut came huge relief, then it was as if my brain got used to it and still decided it was too much....so another cut and I felt so much better.....then weeks later the akathisia and horror would ramp up....and the while while I’m slowly tapering.......(it’s all in my 14 page thread, no body’s got time to read all that ) 

 

However now I’m low enough that it’s withdrawal and not too high of a dose. 

 

I was normally at 10mg of Paxil, (for 8 years that was the dose that worked for me) but I still had akathisia waves once I got down to 10mg, so I held my dose at 10mg for a year trying to stablize, I never could, I just had slightly less akathisia, but still felt like I was tripping on acid or something....from the first 12 hours after I upped my dose of Paxil I felt so bizarre and strange, I cannot even explain, it was the weirdest most bizarre state of mind and it took a very long time for that to go away...that was on top of the akathisia, dpdr, terror, doom feelings. 

 

Reading about serotonin hypersensitivity it began to make sense and I think that’s what happed and why it happens to some people, the receptors are way too down regulated.....

 

anyway now at 7.3mg I no longer get akathisia, I just get normal waves of anxiety,  dpdr, fear etc. which is so much better than the adverse effects of too much medication. 

 

[Altostrata]

3 hours ago, planifolia said:

i take it every morning at around 8am. I don’t notice any change in symptom pattern after taking it. There is no reduction or intensification of symptoms, no new symptoms. 

 

It is basically At 7am, I wake up in terror, SI, DR, rage, everything overwhelming, and then at 8am i take the lexapro. The terror SI DR rage never changes throughout the entire day. Is this the information you were looking for? 

 

 

As long as you've been taking 13.5mg Lexapro, your symptoms are consistent throughout the day? What is your sleep pattern?

 

But these symptoms did abate after your last decrease to 13.5mg?

[planifolia]

1 minute ago, Altostrata said:

 

As long as you've been taking 13.5mg Lexapro, your symptoms are consistent throughout the day? What is your sleep pattern?

 

But these symptoms did abate after your last decrease to 13.5mg?

Yes, it's very consistent. My sleep has also been consistent; I would sleep around 11-12pm, then wake up at 7-8am (6-8hours of sleep per night. Less in crisis, more in windows).

 

and yes, the symptoms subsided around a week into 13.5mg. Things became much more manageable.  

[planifolia]

34 minutes ago, Vonnegutjunky said:

@planifolia This is to a tee what has been happening with me for the past 4 years. As I slowly go down, with each cut came huge relief, then it was as if my brain got used to it and still decided it was too much....so another cut and I felt so much better.....then weeks later the akathisia and horror would ramp up....and the while while I’m slowly tapering.......(it’s all in my 14 page thread, no body’s got time to read all that ) 

 

However now I’m low enough that it’s withdrawal and not too high of a dose. 

 

I was normally at 10mg of Paxil, (for 8 years that was the dose that worked for me) but I still had akathisia waves once I got down to 10mg, so I held my dose at 10mg for a year trying to stablize, I never could, I just had slightly less akathisia, but still felt like I was tripping on acid or something....from the first 12 hours after I upped my dose of Paxil I felt so bizarre and strange, I cannot even explain, it was the weirdest most bizarre state of mind and it took a very long time for that to go away...that was on top of the akathisia, dpdr, terror, doom feelings. 

 

Reading about serotonin hypersensitivity it began to make sense and I think that’s what happed and why it happens to some people, the receptors are way too down regulated.....

 

anyway now at 7.3mg I no longer get akathisia, I just get normal waves of anxiety,  dpdr, fear etc. which is so much better than the adverse effects of too much medication. 

 

Yeah I think our brains are supersensitized and just can't tolerate high dosages. I remember when I went up to 20mg I felt that I was on the worst acid trip, absolutely insane! When i dropped down to 15mg, it slowly died down a bit. 

 

Thank you so much for your inputs. 

[planifolia]

13 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

I am praying for you, Planifolia. This will end!  Try to follow the mods advice and remember that your system needs stability to stabilize, and that time is a huge factor.   

 

 

Thank you mdwtrx, I'm very grateful

 

[planifolia]

Writing this just to keep a record of my thoughts

 

Reasons why dose may be too high

-Because you rapid tapered, your brain became hypersensitized. On a hypersensitized brain, even reinstating on your normal dosage can cause adverse effects previously never experienced. Hence, it is suggested that a partial dosage should be reinstated. For you, your normal dosage was 10mg, so recommended reinstatement dosage should be 2-5mg. However you reinstated at 20mg. This is too much for your brain. Indeed you are experiencing adverse effects you never experienced before on lexapro, even in the post rapid taper state that made you reinstate; hostility and rage, constant urge to pee, DR and terror to a biblical scale, akathisia and spasm. 

 

-Upon your very first reinstatement, even at 5mg, you immediately experienced severe adverse reaction. You experienced the most extreme panic and terror ever felt. You hallucinated and felt your body was split into 3. You stopped it and the symptoms stopped the day after. This happened again when you reinstated the second time at 5mg, again with the feeling of being at death's door. Maybe even 5mg is too much for you, and now 20mg!! you were only able to get up to 20mg was because of the help of benzodiazepines when you were admitted to hospital. 

 

-The symptoms you experienced on 20mg was far worse than what you experienced post rapid-taper that made you want to reinstate. Well what the hell, reinstatement made me feel far worse. This is indication of too high a dose.

 

-Another indication is that when you dropped from 20mg to 15mg, there was a mark reduction in symptom severity. Further symptom reduction was from 15mg to 13.5mg, although far less than 20mg to 15mg i.e., at 15mg you experienced relief from 20mg adverse effects, and at 13.5mg you experienced relief from 15mg adverse effects. Symptoms reduction seems to be dose dependent, where 5mg cut was greater than 1.5mg. This is further indication of a brain too sensitized and overwhelmed by your current dosage. 

 

-The symptom reduction from each cut is therefore not a true relief from withdrawal (after post rapid-taper), but a relief from adverse effects of too high a dose. For example, one of your symptoms, DR, at post rapid-taper was far less severe than your DR now. When you reinstated at 20mg it become insane, at 15mg some improvement, and at 13.5mg further subtle improvement. However it is still far worse than the post rapid-taper DR. It makes you feel like maybe it is better not to have reinstated at all. 

 

Course of action

-Perhaps you should at least cut down to your normal dose of 10mg. Even then, it may still be too high. But let your body tell you what to do with each cut on the way down. 

 

-hopefully with each cut, the trend will continue where improvement comes after each cut. Eventually when it is low enough adverse effects will subside and enter a state that is better than post rapid-taper. Stabalize there then start tapering. 

 

[planifolia]

I am a few days into 12.5mg. Not much change so far, still stuck a bit in the crisis that I was in before at 13.5mg. Really hoping things change soon. Hard to hold on.

 

i’m just wondering if the mods agree with my thoughts about my dose being too high and that I may be going through something similar to vonne? Thank you

[planifolia]

Still no changes. The severity of the crisis remains intense, no relief from the crisis that started on 13.5mg. The suicidal ideation is becoming extreme. This is too much I can't keep doing this. I have been thinking about suicidal methods and have been obsessively reading suicide stories. I'm trying to hold on with all my might, but just thinking about another day of this is overwhelming. I don't know what to do. Would a shot of antipsychotics help? 

[powerback]

Hi PF ,this is awful for you ,its a nightmare thats for sure.you need to stop reading these stories,its mind boggling what this process does to our minds ,totally not fair to us.

Text or ring a suicide prevention help line ,I remember doing this a while ago ,it should dissipate and calm you down.

Take great care and dig deep .

[planifolia]

I think I might make a bold cut to 10mg tommorow. Dwindling in the dosages above my normative dosage (10mg) in the last 5 months just doesn't seem to work. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm desperate. I'm just hoping by lowering to 10mg my normative dose things will calm down, as I wrote in my thoughts above that It feels I'm having adverse effects of too high a dose (suicidal, rage, terror, akathisia etc.) and going through the relief-accomodate-poopout pattern.  

 

Any help and encouragement at this time I would be very grateful. Does anyone think a few days of antipsychotics could help me through this severe crisis?

[planifolia]

On 11/24/2013 at 4:23 AM, Altostrata said:

People who have immediate adverse reactions to serotonergics often have severe symptoms for quite a while -- symptoms very much like withdrawal syndrome -- and take a long time to recover.

 

If they've been kept on the drugs for a long time, often with the aid of a benzo, their nervous systems are quite distressed.

Just felt like this was what happened to me. When I tried to reinstate lexapro 5mg after my rapid-taper, I experienced panic and terror beyond imaginable, and hallucinated for the first time. It calmed down after not taking it the day after. I went back to my doctor and he got me up to 20mg with the help of benzodiazepines. But then I stopped taking the benzos after a few days. During the next 5 months during crisis episodes I experienced akathisia, rage and violence, terror, spasms which seems to be adverse reaction "Dr. Breggin is a medical expert in cases in which SSRI antidepressants, including Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa and Luvox, have caused suicidal and violent behavior in individuals while taking the drug rather than during withdrawal.". Also severe anxiety and panic are known to be adverse reactions on the drug. 

 

I have never experienced rage and violence, severe terror, severe DR, spasm, akathisia when completely off after rapid-taper, which makes it seems like effects that are caused by reinstatement (being on the drug). 

[planifolia]

2nd day on 10mg. Not much change. Symptoms continues to be intense and SI overwhelming. However so far things did not get worse. I'm hoping that things will really get better from here. 

 

The akathisia and terror is really tough, and is causing the SI. I feel like if that settles down I can cope. I have been trying my best to keep the urge to scream and bash things for the last few days and I am exhuasted. I have been holding by thinking "What if tonight things will change... What if tommorow things will change" and holding on to that hope with all my might. 

 

My sister came to visit today and we went down to a cafe. I am very grateful for her compassion, although she can't fathom what I am going through, she never told me to shake it off or invalid me.  She told me I have been very strong and she is proud of me, and that I will get better. I keep replaying her words in my head, I am grateful, I want to live. 

 

I also have been forcing myself to go for short walks. I always go visit the local kindergardens and look into the classes from outside trying my best to not look like a creep. The views give me strength and sadness. I would see parents taking their kids and picking them up from school, and how happy they are to see their parents. They draw really crap pictures that they give their parents but you can see that put all their efforts in and it's humbling to see. I thought that If i gave up now I would never be able to become a father and experience having a kid and taking them to kindergarden. I had a strength to live

 

sorry about this gloomy post. I am venting and my heart is sobbing. I had an amazing life and never thought a day would come where I would consider taking my life. I am fighting as hard as I can to keep going. Withdrawal can't win

[mdwstrx]

Hi Planifolia,

My heart breaks that you're hurting so bad.  Please see this and link to Alto or the mods to answer your question.   🙏💜

[RichT]

Hi Planifolia,

 

i’m so sorry you are going through such truly horrible experiences. I deeply admire your strength and courage in dealing with them. 

 

I’m not an expert so I can’t help you with advice on dosages and drugs, but a couple of things might help, based only on my own experiences

 

- have a massage or aromatherapy treatment regularly. This can calm the whole system down.

- experiment with moderate exercise in the open air, if possible in a green space.

- build in as much structure to your daily life as you can

 

My thoughts are with you

 

R

[planifolia]

@Altostrata is this how you link alto? Hi alto if you are seeing this. Just wondering if you have any comments on my current situation? I am grateful for any suggestions. 

[planifolia]

it's been 2 weeks since I dropped to 10mg. 5 days into the drop, I experienced ease of symptoms; terror, akathisia, screaming and pacing all improved a lot, and SI gone. DR also improved by a few notch after being stagnant on 13.5mg. It feels that Indeed I may on too high a dosage as each drop I experience relief, and DR only seem to improve in accordance to dosage; even if i stay on a dose for a while, it won't improve, but only seem to improve to as much as the current dose allow, if that makes sense. As such, the DR is the best so far in the entire nearly 6months

 

However yesterday i crashed. The akathisia, terror, screaming and SI returned. I am back to that minute by minute living. I am trying to ride it out and see it level out. However as the pattern of reduction-accomodation-poop out is so apparant in my situation, I'm not sure if a further reduction should be made?

 

I would be grateful for any opinions  

[planifolia]

Doing a bit of reading on Dr. Shipko's blogs, I realise I am going through tardive akathisia. It described my situation perfectly. 

 

I was doing okay for about 2 months after the rapid taper, then suddenly hit with tardive akathisia (I didn't know what it was called at that time). And when i reinstated 5mg, I had severe adverse reaction (panic and terror on biblical scales, hallucinated for the first time in my life). 

 

The akathisia from withdrawal and from adverse effects upon reinstatement has slightly different qualities. The withdrawal terror was mainly incredible terror that results in severe agitation, restlessness and inability to keep still. The reinstatement adverse effect akathisia had the same components of terror and restlessness, but with hostility, rage, screaming and a psychotic feeling, with a severe compulsion to die from the torture. In many ways it is more horrific than withdrawal akathisia. I think this is what Dr. Shipko say when reinstatement sometimes don't relieve but exacerbates the akathisia even more.  

 

I am not sure if this information is of any use for the veterans and mods here to guide me on what I should do. 

 

I am still on 10mg lexapro, and in a severe crisis. 5 days into the dose reduction I had about a week of window where SI left, and akathisia reduced dramatically, and DR dropping by a few notches. After that I entered a severe wave again and in a horrific akathisia episode, and the SI is overwhelming. 

 

Thank you all. 

[BreathofAir]

Hello Planifolia,

 

I am right here with you.  We both want to live.

 

We must work on self soothing and relaxation strategies as well as dealing with the extreme fear. 

 

I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your extreme suffering.  I found your thread because of my symptoms. I also have strong SI and do not know how much longer I can go on.  

 

Hopefully we can support each other and reach a safer shore together? 

 

I am in a very similar situation right now.  I do not have the energy to scream though, I am half wailing and groaning.  I am living minute by minute just like you, pacing, rocking, thrashing, in and out of bed. I am utterly exhausted already but my body has burning pain like electricity running through it.  It is bizarre to feel the two side by side, like I am two halves. 

 

It is strange that we can type and read, despite this pure physical and mental torture. I am forcing food down to try to keep my blood sugar stable, but it is a huge struggle because of the pain and nausea and the constant desire to self destruct rather than nourish and protect.  I understand now that just as we have a strong survival instinct, our self destruct mechanism is every bit as powerful in times of utter torture. 

 

I have not cold turkeyed.  But I have done a dual taper of Diazepam and Escitalopram (Lexapro) and I think I have gone way too fast with many crashes along the way, which I foolishly did not acknowledge as warnings that my brain was not keeping up. I am female and my hormones have gone completely haywire. 

 

As you might see if you look at my short thread, I updosed my Diazepam to 0.5mg a couple of days ago. I was scared to reinstate the Escitalopram even though I have been recommended to try 1mg.  

 

If my benzo updose does not offer any relief very very soon I may consider a beta blocker, as I see these are sometimes used in this instance of akathisia and withdrawal-induced Tardive dyskinesia.  I notice you mentioned Propanolol, I think, in one of your previous posts.  My heart is thumping very fast and I have a severe burning and spasming in my stomach.  

 

I understand exactly how you feel.  I have a young child, but still the though of S is screaming in my head every minute. I had a brief window yesterday evening where the akathisia and TD disappeared and I was able to lie down in bed.  But they were both back full force at 2am this morning and I thrashed around the house for hours, my arms and legs flailing and lashing out.  My face is also contorting and my neck arching. 

 

My routine at the moment is like yours. I understand exactly the pain you experienced seeing normal life going on around you.  If this is too painful and contributing to your mental distress you must change your pattern.  

 

I walking outside where I see few people. I have limited contact with my child right now, as this is too distressing for me and her.  I am using moxa sticks (used in acupuncture) which apply focused heat wherever they are placed on the body.  I put them on certain points on my hands.  I have a small dog and I am stroking him constantly. I am practising controlled breathing and listening to Claire Weeks on my i pad.  I cannot really look at books or TV right now.  I drink sips of water constantly and use a hot water bottle to ease my contorted muscles.  

 

Our main focus right now is clean food intake to keep blood sugar levels constant, water, breathing and stretching.  Working on the body to slow the mind down. Body scanning or quiet chanting “I love my body I will heal”. 

 

I know now instructions are very hard to follow when we are like this, but we must find small, insistent ways of changing our psychological approach to reduce the fear and terror and in turn, try to reduce the fight or flight response that has been powerfully triggered.  We have to find a way to convince our brain to slow down. 

 

I will post more to you later.  I am going to sit outside and try to slow my breathing. 

 

Sending you my best wishes and a true understanding of where you are right now.  I will look more into Propanolol and get back to you.  Maybe the moderators have an opinion on this, or there people who have used them on this site? I will check. 

 

Best regards, 

BreathofAir

 

xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[planifolia]

2 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Hello Planifolia,

 

I am right here with you.  We both want to live.

 

We must work on self soothing and relaxation strategies as well as dealing with the extreme fear. 

 

I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your extreme suffering.  I found your thread because of my symptoms. I also have strong SI and do not know how much longer I can go on.  

 

Hopefully we can support each other and reach a safer shore together? 

 

I am in a very similar situation right now.  I do not have the energy to scream though, I am half wailing and groaning.  I am living minute by minute just like you, pacing, rocking, thrashing, in and out of bed. I am utterly exhausted already but my body has burning pain like electricity running through it.  It is bizarre to feel the two side by side, like I am two halves. 

 

It is strange that we can type and read, despite this pure physical and mental torture. I am forcing food down to try to keep my blood sugar stable, but it is a huge struggle because of the pain and nausea and the constant desire to self destruct rather than nourish and protect.  I understand now that just as we have a strong survival instinct, our self destruct mechanism is every bit as powerful in times of utter torture. 

 

I have not cold turkeyed.  But I have done a dual taper of Diazepam and Escitalopram (Lexapro) and I think I have gone way too fast with many crashes along the way, which I foolishly did not acknowledge as warnings that my brain was not keeping up. I am female and my hormones have gone completely haywire. 

 

As you might see if you look at my short thread, I updosed my Diazepam to 0.5mg a couple of days ago. I was scared to reinstate the Escitalopram even though I have been recommended to try 1mg.  

 

If my benzo updose does not offer any relief very very soon I may consider a beta blocker, as I see these are sometimes used in this instance of akathisia and withdrawal-induced Tardive dyskinesia.  I notice you mentioned Propanolol, I think, in one of your previous posts.  My heart is thumping very fast and I have a severe burning and spasming in my stomach.  

 

I understand exactly how you feel.  I have a young child, but still the though of S is screaming in my head every minute. I had a brief window yesterday evening where the akathisia and TD disappeared and I was able to lie down in bed.  But they were both back full force at 2am this morning and I thrashed around the house for hours, my arms and legs flailing and lashing out.  My face is also contorting and my neck arching. 

 

My routine at the moment is like yours. I understand exactly the pain you experienced seeing normal life going on around you.  If this is too painful and contributing to your mental distress you must change your pattern.  

 

I walking outside where I see few people. I have limited contact with my child right now, as this is too distressing for me and her.  I am using moxa sticks (used in acupuncture) which apply focused heat wherever they are placed on the body.  I put them on certain points on my hands.  I have a small dog and I am stroking him constantly. I am practising controlled breathing and listening to Claire Weeks on my i pad.  I cannot really look at books or TV right now.  I drink sips of water constantly and use a hot water bottle to ease my contorted muscles.  

 

Our main focus right now is clean food intake to keep blood sugar levels constant, water, breathing and stretching.  Working on the body to slow the mind down. Body scanning or quiet chanting “I love my body I will heal”. 

 

I know now instructions are very hard to follow when we are like this, but we must find small, insistent ways of changing our psychological approach to reduce the fear and terror and in turn, try to reduce the fight or flight response that has been powerfully triggered.  We have to find a way to convince our brain to slow down. 

 

I will post more to you later.  I am going to sit outside and try to slow my breathing. 

 

Sending you my best wishes and a true understanding of where you are right now.  I will look more into Propanolol and get back to you.  Maybe the moderators have an opinion on this, or there people who have used them on this site? I will check. 

 

Best regards, 

BreathofAir

 

xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you BreathofAir, I am very grateful for your comfort and encouragement. Of course, l am happy for us to support each other through this! It seems you are experiencing quite a terrible akathisia as well. I am so sorry you are suffering so much, no one should have to experience this. 

 

I agree, I can't fathom how I am able to write and speak normally as I feel completely insane and cognitively incapcitated, and if you saw me on the streets you wouldn't think I was suffering at all. 

 

I didn't go cold turkey but a rapid taper over 2 months. I understand your hesitation to not reinstate the 1mg but I am just hoping that you might avoid a reinstatement failure if later on it's too hard, as it seems longer we wait the less likely it works. I really don't want you to end up where I am, struggling to stabalize and reinstatement going no where. The place I am in is filled with utter hopelessness, as I can't see my way out, I'm damned if i do i'm damned if i don't. You can try for one day and see if it helps, if not you can always stop it the next day. 

 

Sorry I can't write more, I am utterly exhuasted. But I am sending you much healing thoughts. Lets be strong