Tanha: never stabilize under diazepam but want to taper

[erer]

1 hour ago, Tanha said:

 

For me it is so difficult to tell which med is the bad one. 

 

I did not know either when I started. I just had a strong belief. I did not want to be on an antypsychotic. And it turns out I was right (the fact that I became agoraphobic starting the drug and it went away after stopping).

 

"may I ask: how is your depression now? I read that it has been bad during taper."

 

I would say that I do not feel depressed. I think. I often feel sad or frustrated. Or I feel grief and upset about injustice. But these I cathegorise as normal human emotion. I don't think I am depressed. I don't have such utter torture as I used to have when every second was unbearable. I definitely don't.

 

I am happy to share my experience with you if it helps you. Hope is truly important. 

[Tanha]

Dear @erer

 

yes, you are so right. And, yes it helps!!!!!!!!

🙃

[Tanha]

Things are still ruff but emotions are coming back and brainfog is better and the fluelike symptoms!

 

I try to build a perspective again going home over night twice a week now regularly. I see how difficult it is to get used again to all the small daily tasks after such a long time in hospital. I am shocked again and again how difficult this is gonna get. It is going to be a daily rollercoasterride for the next months! My stressregulation is not working, yet. 

Even to get into contact with good emotions is not a walk in the park.

My will is still being paralyzed from time to time, dp is on and off which is better then 24/7 but the up and downs are difficult in itself. One step at the time and staying as calm as possible.

 

Akathisia and hyperarousel are huge problems all day. 

 

I wish I could know what causes the akathisia! That would be so helpful.

 

 

[Tanha]

Dear @JanCarol

 

have a really bad day and read through your last posts on my thread. Thank you again for all the help.

 

I guess i cannot do much at the moment but to endure, hold and get my ass safely home some time.

It is very helpful to me to be in contact with people who have been there (or/and still are).

And reading older posts again is in this way helpful, too. 

I wish nobody ever had to go through this.

[erer]

6 hours ago, Tanha said:

 

 

I wish I could know what causes the akathisia! That would be so helpful.

 

 

 

I am so sorry you  are having such a hard time.

 

I wish I'd know what causes akathisia aswell... It is the biggest mistery. And that makes it so scary. 

[Tanha]

21 minutes ago, erer said:

 

I am so sorry you  are having such a hard time.

 

I wish I'd know what causes akathisia aswell... It is the biggest mistery. And that makes it so scary. 

 

I just read through the akathisia (and other symptoms) part of your thread. I really feel for you what you went through. 

(I hope it is ok for you to be reminded 

by those experiences since they are traumatizing - please let me know if it stirs  up too much).

Everybody is different but reading what details and timeframes you and others went through or are still going through calms my fears a bit.

It helps me to think of being on a way of getting better  rather than being stuck forever in this hell (that feels so utterly real every day).

[Tanha]

Dear @erer

 

do you also have or did you have many symptoms rapidly changing throughout the day?

 

i cannot imagine anymore what a day with normal emotions/symptoms would be like. Everything is so extreme!

[erer]

On 1/21/2019 at 8:42 PM, Tanha said:

Dear @erer

 

do you also have or did you have many symptoms rapidly changing throughout the day?

 

 

I used to have very many intense symptoms changing throughout the day when in acute wd. And throughout the week, and the month. New scary symptoms kept popping up and they were just so random. Sometimes it was very hard for me to believe that it was from WD, but now I know. WD can do ANYTHING. It can cause any symptom you can imagine. 

Also the fact that the symptoms have subisided without any treatment except slow and careful taper tells me that it is so.

[Tanha]

4 hours ago, erer said:

 

I used to have very many intense symptoms changing throughout the day when in acute wd. And throughout the week, and the month. New scary symptoms kept popping up and they were just so random. Sometimes it was very hard for me to believe that it was from WD, but now I know. WD can do ANYTHING. It can cause any symptom you can imagine. 

Also the fact that the symptoms have subisided without any treatment except slow and careful taper tells me that it is so.

Thank you so much, erer!!!!!!!🙃

This is good to know!

i hope things get better during taper not only afterwards because it is such a long way to go.

[erer]

19 minutes ago, Tanha said:

 

i hope things get better during taper not only afterwards because it is such a long way to go.

Hang in there, Tanha!

For me things were constantly getting better during taper. And I am still tapering 2 drugs in fact. So yes, I can confirm - things can get better while tapering already. 

[Tanha]

On 1/11/2019 at 12:14 AM, Altostrata said:

Tanha, although I believe you are having adverse drug reactions and oversedation, I cannot in good conscience continue to advise you to taper as you report ever-increasing severity of symptoms.

 

There's only so much peer support over the Internet can do. From this point on, it's best you work with the people who can see you in person. Please seek such assistance immediately.

 

As this is a site for going off drugs, even if you wish to, we cannot advise you to continue your tapering if it's making you feel worse.

 

I am glad that I can say that in the last weeks symptoms are not getting worse! Yet, they have changed a lot and because my mind is much clearer and emotions are coming back I have to deal with new kinds of stress in an even more sensitized condition (compared to being numbed by meds). 

 

As I am dealing with wd and emotions again (something I dearly want) I find myself now in a situation of having way too extreme emotions, alternating rapidly with phases of strong dp/dr, severe depression/anhedonia or agitation/akathisia and having still a paralyzed will/interest. I am not manic or anything similar, just very stressed by having emotions and physical symptoms (or not having these).

 

Physical strength is coming back - of course alternating with severe exhaustion.

The feeling of no musclecontrol has improved a lot. 

 

Physical symptoms like disautonomia (sometimes my heartrate doesn’t normalize enough for hours after a little excercise, not badly but noticeable) came up again (had this last in April), others like the flue dissappeard (hopefully).

Sleep is getting a bit rocky, always waking too early.

 

Yet, I am almost certain that this set of symptoms will change again, soon. At the moment I cannot imagine anything being ever stable again. How could I.

 

Overcoming hospitalization (getting my a**** out of hospital) is quite a task, too, and will take its time and effort. Being at home now for half of the week regularly is just but a small step.

 

 

I read that a destabilized serotonergic system could be responsible not only for depression (which I still have) but also affect the ability to control emotions. That‘s just how I feel - no control over emotions at all, constantly being overwhelmed (in a painful way).

[Altostrata]

Good to hear your nervous  system is settling down some.

[Tanha]

Any idea how to deal with too great fluctuations of the bloodpressure in wd?

Can this be harmful in the longterm?

Typically 130/75 and 95/65 shortly after each other.

 

Normally the meds (quetiapine, mirtazapine, Diazepam) give me a really low bloodpressure.

In acute quetiapine withdrawl my bloodpressure and heartrate are going up quite significantly (not at the same time though).

It seems that high and low bloodpressure are alternating during the day (instead of leveling each other out as I had hoped). 

Whenever there is a great fluctuation I feel like loosing consciousness and really sick for hours. 

I also have disautonomia sometimes when after excercise the heartrate doesn‘t normalize properly for hours.

No fun. And i experienced pots when the docs ct lorazepam in summer (which failed.)

 

i excercise as best as I can but am still somewhat limited.

[Altostrata]

You are having an adverse reaction to the drugs you're taking. To figure out which ones are causing those blood pressure reactions, you need to keep daily notes about when you take your drugs, the dosages, and the symptoms.

 

How did you determine this blood pressure fluctuation? Does the hospital take your blood pressure throughout the day?

[Tanha]

16 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You are having an adverse reaction to the drugs you're taking. To figure out which ones are causing those blood pressure reactions, you need to keep daily notes about when you take your drugs, the dosages, and the symptoms.

 

How did you determine this blood pressure fluctuation? Does the hospital take your blood pressure throughout the day?

 

I take my own bloodpressure when I think something is wrong and from time to time I let the hospital measure, too, to see if my machine was ok. I let them do it manually, not with the electric machine.

 

They take bp only once a week and sometimes on request. I always write my pressure down. 

 

I take notes on symptoms and dosages every day. But I don’t see the pattern.

 

It has definitely nothing to do with panic attacks or similar!

 

at the moment the worst attack seems to be around 6 pm. 

[Altostrata]

Do you get high blood pressure at 6 p.m.? Has this been confirmed by a manual blood pressure examination by hospital staff?

 

I'm sorry, I haven't memorized your drug schedule. I cannot even begin to analyze a possible adverse effect without it. I believe we've discussed this many times before.

[Tanha]

Dear @erer

 

since the last cut of my ap quetiapine emotions are coming back big time after more than a year without any of them (but depression and anxiety sometimes).

 

Constant fear of death (as you named it) is getting a big problem for me, too. 

I saw on your thread that you were holding almost six months before you started the olanzapine taper again. Did that help against this fear of death or was is rather the lowering of olanzapine?

 

Do you think the fear was somehow connected to akathisia?

 

I started mindfulness and breathing excercises but it helps only so little. 

I force myself doing normal things but this is so hard to do. 

 

Emotions and arousel are way too much at the moment and alternating with bad dr/dp or emotional anaestesia.

 

How are you today? 

[erer]

@Tanha

 

I am sorry to hear the fears are bad. 

I had - well to be honest - psychotic fears that started when I cut olanzapine 25%. They started suddenly, but updosing did not work and I was left suffering for a long time. That is why I also held for so long - because I knew it was from the cut and I needed to not unbalance my nervous system any more to make it worse. Later on the careful moderate reductions of Olanzapine did not make the fear much worse, only perhaps rattled it up for a couple of days. 

 

I think the fears can also be very connected to the akathisia. As I see it and as many people say there are two sides to akathisia - one is the motor restlessness and physical torture, but the other side is the overwhelming doom and gloom in your mind. I definitely had both. So when your nervous system calms down and the physical side of akathisia lessens, I believe the mental torture will lessen too. 

Unfortunately I don't know of any quick fixes to akathisia. Sometimes akathisia can be caused by medication alone, but in my case it was definitely from Cymbalta and sleeping pills CT. 

 

From your posts I can tell that you are very brave and I am very proud of you for seeking for solutions and not giving up in such a difficult situation! Best I can recommend is to be kind to yourself and know that your only task day to day right now is to survive, you cannot demand more of yourself at this point. Tha fact that you are able to see some positive nuances is a huge deal. Just hold on to the blue sky as they say in mindfulness :). Also the mindfulness excercises did very little for me when in acute wd, but now, when I am feeling much better I can truly appreciate how the fact that I have practiced them for a long time is paying off. They have given me skills to self regulate now when I am having a hard time and now I do feel the benefits even during a single meditation.

 

We are having a very bright sunshiny day here in Tallinn - sending you some of that sunshine

[Tanha]

On 1/26/2019 at 4:42 AM, Altostrata said:

Do you get high blood pressure at 6 p.m.? Has this been confirmed by a manual blood pressure examination by hospital staff?

 

I'm sorry, I haven't memorized your drug schedule. I cannot even begin to analyze a possible adverse effect without it. I believe we've discussed this many times before.

 

Dear altostrata,

 

no, it has not been veryfied by 24 h measurements.

 

I definitely have distressing bp and heartrate fluctuations or issues now that I didn‘t have while on higher doses of quetiapine and mirtazapine.

 

My first impression that these bp/heartrateevents happen regularly or at specific times is not supported by measurements sorry for that misleading. 

Had another close look at the nurses charts yesterday. They can happen any time.

 

I had 24 h bp in August and that led to the diagnosis medicationinduced low bloodpressure (average that day 95/60)(82/54 early morning).

 

Would another 24 bp help?

 

The coincidence between my symptom „feeling like loosing control/consciousness/orientation“ (sometimes like fainting) which I have almost twice daily and the bp events cannot be concluded either but happened at least once.

 

Yet the nurses charts show that my bp is overall much higher now than it used to be months ago (and more difference between high and low). Yet I am not sure what fluctuations would be normal.

I had pots in summer and other Dysautonomiasymptoms in spring so I am concerned about that. Both were traumatizing.

 

 

So much has improved since the last cuts in quetiapine.

But I do have also daily recurring symptoms  now like „feeling like fainting/consciousness/loosing orientation“ 

yet that could be a mental symptom rather than bp associated. 

Although it is severe and needs to get sorted out urgently I want to observe this a bit longer before I send you my daily schedules. It is difficult to name symptoms properly or tell if this gets better or worse at the moment.

 

So much has improved since the last cuts. 

 

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Tanha]

6 hours ago, erer said:

We are having a very bright sunshiny day here in Tallinn - sending you some of that sunshine 

Yessas, erer

i am so glad that you always like to write a little more details.

So glad (bad day today)!

[erer]

Glad to hear there is one person who likes my graphomania . I need to constantly restrict myself from using excessive amount of words :).

 

I hope the night is better than the day!

[Tanha]

Just read through

“Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping“ thread 

today and it helps me to get through another emotionally painful day. 

 

To read that others think and feel about the same things like I do now!!

 

Thank you, @Lilu, thank you SA!

 

There are other places (like too many doctor’s offices) where they talk about treatment resistant depression instead. There might be such thing but it does not help at all Talking/Reading about that. And it is all too often being used as a reason for risky therapies like upping dosages above recommended levels or even ect!!!! 

This is like praying „do not trust your body at all“ and that does never do anything good for anybody.

I have real problems trusting my body as long as meds are alienating it and after all I went through with pots, most severe depression and else but I still want to trust it even if I fail to do so right now and knowing that i cannot get off my drugs soon.

Good to know that we are a crowd being able to envision this hope/ belief/experience/goal even during deepest darkness.

 

 

 

I am just trying to distract myself from a bad day! I am scared like sh.... that i won‘t be able to overcome hospitalization and depression and loooong wd. Did so much more these days to get through this but I cannot see any benefit from it that also feels like benefit. Rode by bike all the way to the trainstation today (thought that I am not able to do that of course) and on the bike the most severe depression hit me, agonized me, sticks with me since. I will have to use the bike and the train to get to the dayclinic, soon. Even managed a first train-Ride on saturday (first time in a year), yet not alone. This feels so bad, so wrong!

 

Where are my endorphins? Still there, just in chaos so that i cannot find them?

 

And the capability of stressregulation would be great, too. Almost nonexistent at the moment. Can this regrow under such heavy sedation?

Of course there are many studies on the internet that say „no“! I don’t want to envision my life with not even the minimum of stresstolerance like now. Scary stuff. The idea of being damaged is but so strong.

 

[Tanha]

Dear @JanCarol

 

i  have three questions you might be able to help with:

 

Since the last cut of quetiapine 3 weeks ago I experience a symptom that I described as „urge to jump out of my mind, doing something, emotional akathisia“.

 

Since the akathisia is better the last two days it came to my mind that this symptom could be physical drug craving (not mental!!!)! 

 

I take 5 mg diazepam and haven’t reduced it for several months.

 

I would like to ask the moderators of the benzo forum about this. How can I contact them?

 

Could this be related to the big quetiapine cut and how? (Since this has been the only change recently, from 275 mg to 200 in 3 weeks due to adverse reactions). I also cut mirtazapine more than two months ago.

 

What can I do (does this get better by itself/holding drugs)?

 

Is there a dynamic to it that - if I would know that - things would be easier to endure?

 

It is not all day but gets more often and is very intense. I almost hold my breath for hours while having that.

 

After a longer hold and getting myself out of hospital (I am at home now half the week, soon in dayclinic), I thought to continue my quetiapine taper. But this would be impossible with such symptom getting worse or remaining as it is at the moment.

 

i don’t want to take more diazepam, never. I just want to be able to endure longer tapers.

[Tanha]

Dear @Wellness

 

i  have three questions you might be able to help with:

 

Since the last cut of quetiapine 3 weeks ago I experience a symptom that I described as „urge to jump out of my mind, doing something, emotional akathisia“.

 

Since the akathisia is better the last two days it came to my mind that this symptom could be physical drug craving (not mental!!!)! 

 

I take 5 mg diazepam and haven’t reduced it for several months.

I get it 4 times daily.

 

Could this be related to the big quetiapine cut and how? (Since this has been the only change recently, from 275 mg to 200 in 3 weeks due to adverse reactions). I also cut mirtazapine more than two months ago.

 

What can I do (does this get better by itself/holding drugs)?

 

Is there a dynamic to it that - if I would know that - things would be easier to endure?

 

It is not all day but gets more often and is very intense. I almost hold my breath for hours while having that.

 

After a longer hold, I thought to continue my quetiapine taper. But this would be impossible with such symptom getting worse or remaining as it is at the moment.

 

i don’t want to take more diazepam, never. I just want to be able to endure longer tapers.

 

Maybe how I take the drug could cause this physical craving which I had not on higher doses quetiapine!

I get the Diazepam liquid in water (without stirring it). I get it from a nurse and then in dayclinic so changing Procedere is not easily done for the next few weeks. Although the container looks empty after taking the drug could there be a significant rest sticking to the bottom unseen since Diazepam doesn‘t mix with water? The container looks empty after drinking the mix but I think I could taste bitterness sticking to the bottom.

[Tanha]

Dear @Altostrata

 

Many symptoms got so much better in the third week after the last cut of quetiapine and I think now I see new symptoms that might not be new but maybe. Dysautonomia seems to be one of them about which I want to ask you something (Physical drug craving, too):

 

Accessing Dysautonomia seems difficult.

I tried to fit my fast heartrateevents into the daily drugschedule and ran into difficulties doing so. Except from the occasions where it is very bad and long (and as such obvious) I seem to have it much more often now for short with many normal activities or even being non active. This is clogging up the schedule.

 

I really do have serious trouble with that (like 120 suddenly lying in bed or getting up eg. at Night) just to find a meaningful pattern without focusing on misleading causes is my problem.

 

What situations and what heartrate would be worth mentioning?

Having 110 all of a sudden lying in bed or getting up is that to be written down? (or only if I feel unwell?)

Since i am in a state of restlessness/arousel for other reasons, too, I cannot trust my feeling.

 

Like now - 25 minutes after taking quetiapine and 1,5 h after taking mirtazapine - the heartrate goes again and again from 85 up to 125 when getting up from lying position and in a resting situation and feels distressing. Is that remarkable yet not being sure that i don‘t make up the drug connection?

 

Obviously i notice it mostly while in a calm position but with activity it can also be distressing (what heartrate would be unusual with mild excercise?) and I guess I need to pay close attention to wether it happens while lying or while getting up?

 

Do I make a misleading statistic if I look up my heartrate only at suspectible times like 1,5 h after taking quetiapine/diazepam or after getting up?

 

Can a 24 hour bp or 24 hour ecg help?

 

Can i point out things clearer if I provoke a meaningful (and harmless) heartratesituation?

Using the Stepper sometimes provoked it sometimes not, maybe depending on when taking the pill.

 

This started after the last reduction of quetiapine. The severe „feeling like fainting“ seems to have gotten much better in the third week after the cut hopefully.

 

Daily Drugschedules are in the making.

[Altostrata]

No discussion of anything unless you post your daily drug and symptom report.

[Tanha]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

No discussion of anything unless you post your daily drug and symptom report.

Ok.

[Tanha]

Third train ride excercise today (as a test for getting to the dayclinic).

 

This won‘t get easy (or even a bit easier). 

[Tanha]

Dear @Altostrata

 

i send you my daily drug and symptoms schedules today. 

 

Although things have improved greatly and I am about to leave hospital in two weeks (I am already home for half the week after one year being an inpatient) 

 

i have three very pressing problems with which I really need help sorting out the cause, options and find a perspective soon (not a quick fix). Any help is welcome!!   

 

I actually really need to hold tapers for a few weeks or longer (last cut quetiapine 4 weeks ago from 235 to 200 mg coming from 400 mg)

 

but

 

„physical drug craving“

 

and 

 

„cannot calm myself down“ (hyperarousel, no stress/emotionregulation, being overly sensitize, I it in more detail below...)

 

are new and getting worse day by day.

 

Akathisia and „feeling like loosing consciousness/control“ are very distressing, too, and are present a lot but don‘t seem to get worse.

 

The drug craving only started a few days ago and is not the same every day but always getting worse in the afternoon. But I had it once in the morning. I am on diazepam 5 mg, holding this since October. I will not raise the diazepam. All attempts to reduce it by 0,5 mg ended in E.R. so far but still want to reduce it. Have been bedridden for more than half a year after that (and ct cymbalta in March and tapering mirtazapine to 16 mg and levomepromazine to zero.

 

„Cannot calm myself down“ conditions happen since the last cut of quetiapine and get more intense and more often during the day as you will see in my daily symptoms. Now this has reached an intensity I only had once after a failed attempt to reduce diazepam from 3,5 to 3 mg in summer!

 

Both conditions force me to stop everything and try to survive minute by minute.

 

My daily drug schedule:

 

7:30 am        50 mg quetiapine     

                      1 mg Diazepam oral solution

                       Vitamin d

                      150 mg magnesiumcitrate

 

12.                50 mg quetiapine      

                     1,5 mg Diazepam oral Solution

 

2:30 pm.      150 mg magnesiumcitrate

 

7:30 pm.       50 mg quetiapine              

                      1,5 mg Diazepam

 

7:45 pm.       16 mg mirtazapine 

                       150 mg magnesiumcitrate

 

8:45 pm.       50 mg diazepam

 

9:30 pm.      1 mg diazepam oral Solution

 

 

32 days since last cut of quetiapine

88 days after last cut mirtazapine

106 days since cutting levomepromazine to zero

11 months since ct cymbalta and promethazine and Wellbutrin

 

My signature is not up to date with the last quetiapine reduction (I am on 200 mg but don’t know how to change the signature on the iPhone).

 

Question about my daily symptoms lists (next post): 

 

Could you have a closer look at the below mentioned symptoms and tell if they are an adverse effect issue, or a stabilization issue?

 

What can I do to find out more? 

Can I do anything about the problems mentioned below?

 

Is it a wear off of the single Diazepam or quetiapine doses?

 

I have great difficulty in describing symptoms because all my restlessness-states are in a way similar yet distinct at the same time. Please let me know if and how I can make my very detailed rapports easier for you to sort things out.

 

The physical drug is verydistinct.

 

In my daily schedules I call the different conditions of restlessness:

 

All too much (no stress/emotionregulation)

Hyperarousel

Restlessness

Akathisia 

Urge to jump out of my mind

Urge to jump out of my skin

Agitaton

(physical drug craving)

Overly sensitive/sensitized (all too much)

cannot calm down

Dysautonomia (distressing) heartrateevents

 

All these terms could be only one condition or two, I don‘t know why and how I differentiated them

There are differences but I don’t know if they are significant.

 

„Cannot calm myself down“:

Feels very physical, like unsurvivable, hyperarousel, jump out of my skin/mind, highly sensitized, no stress/emotionregulation, electric veins, adrenaline rush for very looong, normal heartrate after initially high rate (it is not akathisia).

 

Cannot calm down happens usually for more than half an hour and only gets a little better after an hour. Sometimes I yell for an hour because it is so bad.

It does not start immediately in or after the stress/other cause and some times of the day it could be more likely to happen than on other times like in the morning or evening.

 

Edited February 9, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Tanha]

Really being concerned about my latest physical drug craving problem:

 

i am on 5 mg diazepam since October.

a few days ago I started getting bad physical drug craving (I guess it is not the quetiapine reduction).

I don’t understand that. Get diazepam 4 times a day. 

 

Could it be useful and possible to check if the cytochrome p450 effect is a at play and this causing me the constant failing of diazepam withdrawl?

 

how can one get this tested? Is the go of help, via internet?

 

I really want to reduce th drugs (slowly). I will not take more diazepam.

 

Could any of the benzo moderators help?

@Wellness, @JanCarol?

i actually really need to hold and stabilize my quetiapine taper! Tapering Diazepam 0,5 mg Diazepam failed so often so traumatically last year. Cannot taper anything fast.

This drug craving is really intense. Also being overly sensitized and without any stress/emotionregulation (yet I really know coping skills by heart), all since the last quetiapine cut 4 weeks ago. 

Mit seems to get more intense every day two hours after taking quetiapine and diazepam (which I take at the same time four times a day.)

 

Many unpleasant heartrate events (Dysautonomia) are a problem, too.

My heartrate is lately fluctuating and is going up a lot when getting up (110) and mostly over 85 and sometimes after mild excercise it doesn’t normalize for two hours staying on 110 (whereas during excercise it doesn’t get too high, but during Diazepam taper (0,5 mg cut) it gets way higher most of the day and night. Had pots badly for many days then.

 

My meds:

16 mg mirtazapine 

200 mg quetiapine 

5 mg diazepam 

 

I have been an inpatient for one year, am home now half the week Since a while (really into learning to take care of my life again for which I need all my fragile abilities) and will leave hospital (for dayclinic) in the next 2/3 Weeks.

 

 

any help is very welcome!

[WantoffVen]

Tanha, post your benzo questions in the Benzo forum.l

[Tanha]

2 hours ago, WantoffVen said:

Tanha, post your benzo questions in the Benzo forum.l

Thanx. I cannot find it. Only found

 

Benzo tapering and recovery but where in there is „the benzo forum“? Or do you mean I start a new topic?

 

Edited February 9, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[WantoffVen]

Yes, you can start a new topic about your benzos in the benzo forum.

 

[ChessieCat]

Tanha, please continue to post here in your Introduction topic.

 

Please do not post in the Benzo forum unless the mods ask you to do this.  Thank you.

[WantoffVen]

I'm sorry, Chessie. When I had a question about my benzos I was told to post in the Benzo forum so that's the only reason I said that.

[Tanha]

 

Dear @Altostrata

 

Daily symptompatterns!

 

important about my details in the daily symptoms: 

 

When I write „physical drug craving“ that doesn’t mean it is that but that this is what comes to my mind to describe my sensation.

If I note that my „stressregulation“ doesn’t work I also 

mean it feels like that but doesn’ mean that I know it doesn’t work. My interpretation abilities are really bad. I am sorry for that.

 

The symptoms physical drug craving, urge to jump out of my mind and all too much (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized) heart jumping out of my chest are difficult to differentiate or might be overlapping at times or being numbed/changed while another med is at peak.

Some of these symptoms might be worse always 2 hours after quetiapine and diazepam doses (or do you see this differently in my symptom and drug schedules?)

 

Yet these latest developments are really serious! I am almost certain that „cannot calm myself/hyperaroudel/all too much/ oversensitized“ and „drug craving/urge to jump out of my skin“ are getting much worse in the last few days (and since the last weeks) whereas so much else has gotten better or is fluctuating.

 

I don’t get why these latest symptoms only get a little better after taking Mirtazapine now? It has absolutely always all been fine (and numbed) after taking mirtazapine!

 

Any ideas of how to find out about causes of these „new“ symptoms and ways out of this are highly appreciated.

 

6th to 9th February 2019:

--------------------------------------------------

6. feb
29 days since last cut of quetiapine
85 days after last cut mirtazapine
103 days since cutting levomepromazine to zero
11 months since ct cymbalta and promethazine and Wellbutrin
200 mg quetiapine
very broken sleep, felt like I had to urinate every hour
5:30 am woke, depressed
7:30 am meat, cucumber, hempprotein, rice
50 mg quetiapine
1 mg Diazepam
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
Vitamine d
8:30 am arousel, terrible and painful dp/dr
11 am arousel, depressed
Noni juice
12 nausea
meat, vegetables
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
fishoil
12:20 hr 100, Bad dp/dr, depressed
12:40 hr 95, nausea, very distressing dp/dr, arousel,
all too much (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
urge to jump out of my mind, restless,
feels like loosing consciousness
12:50 bad akathisia, agitation, dp, despair
1:45 pm akathisia better, depression through the roof,
most intense fear of death, anxiety, no emotions,
feels like loosing consciousness
2 pm cannot hold myself together, badly mentally paralyzed
2:30 pm Vitamine juice
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
dp and Depression through the roof
3 pm Depression even worse, dp little less painful,
all way too much (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
3:30 pm Depression little less, no or much less dp!
interest in outside world, all way too much
little restless
4 pm all way too much through the roof (no stress/emotionregulation,
overly sensitized), cannot calm down until 6 pm at all, clear mind
5:30 pm rice, hempprotein, Salami
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
clear mind
6:15 pm mentally crappy, numb, distressed
arousel and all way too much still, mind cannot rest
suddenly disconnected, brainfog
6:30 pm suddenly akathisia very strong,
7:25 pm utter despair, Akathasia less painful, all way too much
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
7:40 pm feels like loosing my mind/control
7:50 pm 16 mg mirtazapine
8:30 pm wheat cookies, Menstruation
8:45 pm 50 mg quetiapine
9:30 pm 1 mg Diazepam
difference to days before:
Depressed all day, most severe spikes
Feels like loosing consciousness all day
Dp/dr very bad
All too much all day too intense (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
worst fear of death
urge to jump out of my mind
all day hr and physical strengthbetter
Often clear mind
Bad akathisia spikes
anxiety all day

7. feb
30 days since last cut of quetiapine
86 days after last cut mirtazapine
104 days since cutting levomepromazine to zero
11 months since ct cymbalta and promethazine and Wellbutrin
200 mg quetiapine
no broken sleep
6 am woke, distressing alienated self
strong emotional pain
mental hyperarousel
7:30 am meat, cucumber, hempprotein, rice
50 mg quetiapine
1 mg Diazepam
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
Vitamine d
8:10 am suicidal ideation bad, mental akathisia,
same symptoms as before
8:40 am little less si, mental restlessness unbearable,
10 am restlessness and emotional pain little better,
all way too much (no stress/emotionregulation,
overly sensitized)
10:30 am bad diarrhea, nausea
11 am Noni juice, rice, hemp
11:30 am suddenly feeling like loosing consciousness/
control but could be worse
very drowsy, physically weak/unwell but could be worse,
mild nausea, brainfog, very disconnecteddisconnected
all way too much through the roof
11:45 am severe depression, anxiety, longing for life, cannot eat
11:55 am Emotional pain and mental restlessness
stronger again, mild chivering, mild nausea
12 meat, vegetables
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
fishoil
1 pm natural depression
brainfog, not too restless, mild tremble, anxiety,
despair, unpleasant emotions,
strangely connected to the world,
all too much little better
1:55 pm restlessness/akathisia
2:30 pm 150 mg magnesiumcitrate
2:40 pm more restlessness/akathisia,
more emotional pain
3:05 pm all worse: emotional pain, depression, feels
like losing consciousness, fear of death
hyperarousel/akathisia, all too much (no stress/
emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
4 pm akathisia and all too much worse,
numb emotions, mild physical drug craving
4:30 pm all but drug craving little better
5 pm same
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
utter despair (because I cannot watch tv or
distract myself/read or find rest)
5:30 pm same
hr 100
rice, hempprotein, meat, cucumber
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
6:30 pm akathisia worse, despair
hr 95
fishoil
7:50 pm akathisia still bad (very unusual!), tremble
16 mg mirtazapine
8:50 pm akathisia and restlessness better but still
(extremely unusual at this time)
heartpounding
8:45 pm 50 mg quetiapine
9:30 pm 1 mg Diazepam
at Night terrible pain (uterus/bladder) for 1 hour,
very broken sleep, urge to urinate
(no infection of the bladder!)
difference to days before:
more clarity in the morning
all way too much through the roof all day
urinated a lot
Feels like loosing consciousness all day
Dp/dr
nausea
All too much all day too intense (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
worst fear of death
urge to jump out of my mind/hyperarousel
Physical drug craving
Bad akathisia spikes
anxiety all day

 

8. feb
31 days since last cut of quetiapine
87 days after last cut mirtazapine
105 days since cutting levomepromazine to zero
11 months since ct cymbalta and promethazine and Wellbutrin
200 mg quetiapine
no broken sleep
4 am woke, Bad dp/dr, depressed, anhedonia, no self
7:30 am meat, cucumber, hempprotein, rice
50 mg quetiapine
1 mg Diazepam
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
Vitamine d
9 am hyperarousel, all too much (no stress/emotionregulation,
overly sensitized), depressed, bad diarrhea,
10 am bad nausea, all way too much
11 am Noni juice
12 meat, vegetables
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
fishoil
nausea, all way too much (no stress/emotionregulation,
overly sensitized)
physically really sick, restless, depressed,
anxiety, bad anhedonia, cannot rest my mind,
utterly exhausted, weak, badly like loosing
consciousness/control, dp/dr
2:30 pm 150 mg magnesiumcitrate
terrible fatigue, totally exhausted, bad anxiety
3:45 pm 150 mg magnesiumcitrate
same symptoms, anxiety through the roof
4 pm severe fear of death
uterus pain
5:30 pm same
hr 100
rice, hempprotein, meat, cucumber
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
6:30 pm all a little better
7:50 pm arousel, totally numb emotions, exhausted
16 mg mirtazapine
8:45 pm 50 mg quetiapine
9 pm arousel again (very unusual), other symptoms same
9:30 pm 1 mg Diazepam
10:40 pm arousel, akathisia!!!
difference to days before:
all day like loosing consciousness mild
more clarity in the morning
Dp/dr
nausea
Feeling really sick
bad fatigue, exhausted
All too much all day too intense (no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
worst fear of death
urge to jump out of my mind/hyperarousel
akathisia
anxiety all day and bad spikes
Bad fear of death

9. feb
32 days since last cut of quetiapine
88 days after last cut mirtazapine
106 days since cutting levomepromazine to zero
11 months since ct cymbalta and promethazine and Wellbutrin
200 mg quetiapine
no broken sleep
6 am woke,, depressed, anhedonia, hyperarousel, anxiety
7:30 am meat, cucumber, hempprotein, rice
50 mg quetiapine
1 mg Diazepam
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
Vitamine d
hr 110 getting up, depressed, no self, bad diarrhea
8:30 am unpleasant emotions (all emotions are upsetting me)
mild nausea
all way too much (no stress/emotionregulation, overly
sensitized)
10 am all little better, sad, emotions
11 am badly depressed,
Noni juice
12.25 bickwheat Crêpes, cheese
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg diazepam
1:05 pm hr 115
hyperarousel/all too much through the roof
(no stress/emotionregulation, overly sensitized)
anxiety, depressed
1:30 pm hyperarousel, urge to jump out of my skin,
all way too much through the roof, cannot calm
myself down for one hour after going into a shop
1:40 pm unbearable
1:55 pm little better
2 pm much better but restless
2:30 pm 150 mg magnesiumcitrate
All too much/overly sensitized getting really bad again
without any external or emotional stress (jump out of my mind?)
restlessness (or physical drug craving? Or jump out of my mind?)
3 until 7 pm better but now severe physical drug craving or jump out of my skin?
3:20 pm 150 mg magnesiumcitrate
4 pm arousel much better but drug craving (or jump out of my mind? bad
5 pm Physical drug craving worse - is this craving?)
5:30 pm rice, apple, carrot
6 pm same,
50 mg quetiapine
1,5 mg Diazepam
fishoil
all too much/overly sensitized worse
7:15 pm Cannot calm myself/hyperarousel/overly sensitized worse,
drug craving little less or/and feeling like jumping out of my skin
salami
hr 115
8 pm suddenly feels like loosing consciousness/control/my mind
but could be worse
8:45 16 mg mirtazapine
150 mg magnesiumcitrate
hyperarousel/cannot calm myself still very strong (much worse then
ever before, or/and feels like I want to jump out of my skin)
hr 67
9:30 pm 50 mg quetiapine
urge to jump out out of my skin/mind not better,
doesn‘t feel as sensitized or craving (normally mirtazapine helps!!!)
10:15 pm 1 mg Diazepam
difference to days before:
more clarity all day
No dp
Mostly emotions
Natural depression severe
Cannot calm myself down/All too much all day too intense (no stress/emotionregulation, overly
sensitized)
No fear of death
urge to jump out of my mind/hyperarousel
akathisia better
anxiety all day
No feeling like loosing control
Alienated self better
Terrible drug craving looong
Slept longer
mirtazapine doesn‘t help as good as always before
(similar to yesterday)

-------------------------------------------------

 

Daily symptoms notes copied and pasted from: schedulesSurvAntid06.bis09.02.pdf

 

 

Edited February 9, 2019 by ChessieCat
resized font / pasted info from PDF