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ascfgdxz: took my first ever pill today. Should I stop? Would love help, thanks


ascfgdxz

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No worries at all. I am sorry it's so hard for you right now -- I haven't read your thread completely, but I hope you are able to talk to those same loved ones. Or at least be able to tell them you aren't feeling well and can't keep up with normal chit-chat. That's how I am. Someone will be bubbly making conversation and I just have to be honest and say I'm sorry, I can't be at that speed right now, can you just sit with me a second? But even then much of my family in particular won't really understand why I can't just bounce back and be normal all the time. It's definitely hard for other people to grasp. 

Aug-Dec 2015 Prozac 20mg / Dec 2015-Feb 2016 Prozac 15mg / Feb 2016-May2016 Prozac 20mg

May 2016-June 2016 15mg

June 2016-August 2016 10mg

October 2016-January 2017 15mg, alternating agitation/akathisia sets in --> cold turkey

January 2017 Clonazepam .5mg 

February 2017 Clonazepam 1mg (for a week) then .5mg morning and .25mg evening for about a month. Came down to .25mg morning and evening. 

May 1, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .125mg evening. // May 20, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .0625 evening (.3125 total).

early June .28125 // early mid june .25mg // mid june .21875 // late june .1875 // early july .15625 // early mid july .125 

mid july .09375mg // late july .0625 //early August 2017 down to .03125mg once a day, hopped off in mid August

reinstated at .0625mg late August // Oct 16 - updose to .07mg and switch to oral Rosemont solution

Nov 17 2017 reinstate Prozac .5mg // Nov 21 2017 prozac 1.6mg // Dec 18 2017  3mg prozac / fast taper off the reinstatement -- probably completely off early Oct 2018

June 2019 begin tapering off .07mg Clonazepam, Finish taper December 2019

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31 minutes ago, bheb said:

No worries at all. I am sorry it's so hard for you right now -- I haven't read your thread completely, but I hope you are able to talk to those same loved ones. Or at least be able to tell them you aren't feeling well and can't keep up with normal chit-chat. That's how I am. Someone will be bubbly making conversation and I just have to be honest and say I'm sorry, I can't be at that speed right now, can you just sit with me a second? But even then much of my family in particular won't really understand why I can't just bounce back and be normal all the time. It's definitely hard for other people to grasp. 

Thanks for your support. I am not willing to talk to family for fears of them being worried, on me even more, not wanting me to be alone or taking away my guns and having a very different relationship with them. And they would strongly insist that I go on psych drugs

 

Man I don't even know how I am going to make it tonight and nearly every night is like this now. I want to die so badly. How is it even possible to feel this way. Thanks

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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Man, I am so ashamed for this flip-flopping. But sorry I am better now, I don't understand why I get so ***** up. I still feel bad but I don't want to die because it would be too painful for my family. My brain is so clouded when I am that low, it's a good thing I don't have access to a suicide method easily. So please ignore my other comments, even though I know on another night I will probably feel that way again sigh...

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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Everything you are feeling is normal for withdrawal.  You will flip flop back and forth.  It takes a while to get used to.  I suppose we never get completely used to it, but it becomes less scary.  You are right -- you don't want to die.  Remember that.  You simply want to get well, and you will.  It's a slow process and very frustrating.  

 

You are quitting the Wellbutrin, right?  I hope so.  Once you gave had a bad reaction to an AD it is best to stay away from all psychoactive substances until you are healed.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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18 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You simply want to get well, and you will.

Ok, I don't know if I will. How is it possible I can physically feel so bad so often now? I don't see it going away. And now that I am suicidal and question life and why exist, I feel like I will never be a normal human being again who lives life without constantly considering suicide. I am going to try to go to the gym today but wow I am feeling bad again and my hope is hanging by a thread. I might get my firearm this weekend, I am not enjoying or caring about life. On the bright side I was offered a job I interviews for which is nice but doesnt start until May1 and it's not really a job I want. I really have no clue what I am going to do. Anyways, don't reply to this, it's ok. I will see what the weekend brings, thank you

 

18 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are quitting the Wellbutrin, right?

I took my last pill Friday last week. It should be totally out of my system now, which means how ***** I am is nothing to blame other than who I am.

 

18 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Thank you, it's ok. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this badly, it doesn't make sense for my situation at hand. Thanks again

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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5 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I might get my firearm this weekend, I am not enjoying or caring about life

 

You have made multiple references to suicide and  wanting to die and now you are posting about getting your gun out. We empathize with your struggles, ascfgdxz, but I'm going to ask that you stop the constant references to suicide. 

 

This is triggering for our members; we need to keep the forum as therapeutic as possible.

 

If you are struggling and considering suicide, you need on-the-ground support, not a website.

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

Please note that repeated threats of suicide, including alluding to suicide and wanting to die, as well as veiled threats, are not allowed on the forum. 

 

You are catastrophizing and need to work on your non-drug coping skills. 

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21 minutes ago, Shep said:

not allowed on the forum

Ok I am sorry I won't mention it again

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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Please tell your family, or someone about what's going on. I know you are worried about them taking your guns away, but you really need to confide in someone who can help you on the ground as shep says.

Aug-Dec 2015 Prozac 20mg / Dec 2015-Feb 2016 Prozac 15mg / Feb 2016-May2016 Prozac 20mg

May 2016-June 2016 15mg

June 2016-August 2016 10mg

October 2016-January 2017 15mg, alternating agitation/akathisia sets in --> cold turkey

January 2017 Clonazepam .5mg 

February 2017 Clonazepam 1mg (for a week) then .5mg morning and .25mg evening for about a month. Came down to .25mg morning and evening. 

May 1, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .125mg evening. // May 20, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .0625 evening (.3125 total).

early June .28125 // early mid june .25mg // mid june .21875 // late june .1875 // early july .15625 // early mid july .125 

mid july .09375mg // late july .0625 //early August 2017 down to .03125mg once a day, hopped off in mid August

reinstated at .0625mg late August // Oct 16 - updose to .07mg and switch to oral Rosemont solution

Nov 17 2017 reinstate Prozac .5mg // Nov 21 2017 prozac 1.6mg // Dec 18 2017  3mg prozac / fast taper off the reinstatement -- probably completely off early Oct 2018

June 2019 begin tapering off .07mg Clonazepam, Finish taper December 2019

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1 hour ago, bheb said:

Please tell your family, or someone about what's going on. I know you are worried about them taking your guns away, but you really need to confide in someone who can help you on the ground as shep says.

Ok, sorry I am not trying to talk about it more. I just want to say real quick, is I worry that if I tell someone then I may be guilted or forced into medication, and my life never being the same or treated the same again and family always being worried

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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13 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Ok I am sorry I won't mention it again

 

Thank you, Ascf.

 

12 hours ago, bheb said:

Please tell your family, or someone about what's going on. I know you are worried about them taking your guns away, but you really need to confide in someone who can help you on the ground as shep says.

 

11 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Ok, sorry I am not trying to talk about it more. I just want to say real quick, is I worry that if I tell someone then I may be guilted or forced into medication, and my life never being the same or treated the same again and family always being worried

 

Ascf, Bheb is right that you need to talk to someone on the ground.

 

Perhaps let your sister or your parents know you're feeling lonely and you'd like to spend some time with them. Perhaps schedule another game night. You don't have to talk about anything you're not comfortable talking about, but just being around your family seems to bring you comfort.

 

Remember, this is a temporary state. 

 

 

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On 2/27/2019 at 7:15 AM, Shep said:

Remember, this is a temporary state. 

 

How do you know that? Feels like there is something wrong with me when others don't feel this way, why do I sometimes just feel so bad without really and trigger.

 

I am not trying to promote drugs. But when I was on Wellbutrin, my sex drive was much better, it's hard to tell if it helped me, it may be coincidence but during the usage I felt less suicidal and more optimistic. I understand though that the effects will wear off and be bad long term, it was causing me tinnitus and dissociation. But I wish I could just be happier and not feeling like this so much.

 

I have been taking vit b/d, magnesium, omega3 and eating a bit better. Trying to meet people, go on dates but wow I still have so many severely low periods that seem out of my control. Just at times feel totally empty and pointless and causes panic and dread. Don't even want to or have the energy to work. Anyways thanks

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks again for the help and replies everyone.

 

I don't know if it will last or what to attribute it to but in a way I am doing better and I'm happy about this. I think you guys helped a lot.

 

I have been running 4km every day, eating slightly better, taking Vitamin B and D, Magnesium, Omega3, Multivitamin. Trying to keep busy, trying to sleep, read, apply to jobs etc. Before my mood would vary from 1 to 7 with an average of around 3 and now its more like 2 to 8 with an average of around 4.5. Kind of a weird way to measure it, but I think I am doing better even though almost every day I still experience low low moods and struggle a lot. I am not on any psychoactive drugs. Why am I doing better? Is it the vitamins, exercise, time, random? I don't know.

 

I don't want to start celebrating yet because it's perfectly possible that next week I will feel worse than ever before. But I am proud of my work and happy to be doing better. I currently don't feel at risk for suicide which is good but I still am having those thoughts every day. I just bought the book "Lost Connections" by Johann Hari about depression and it's causes and he is anti-medication. I look forward to reading it, thanks for the support

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to ascfgdxz: took my first ever pill today. Should I stop? Would love help, thanks

I am so happy to hear this!!

 

I hope it sticks, but don’t get too discouraged if you have a setback. That is truly common in the “windows and waves pattern of stabilization.” But it’s good that you’ve documented some improvement here so if you get sucked into another wave you can look back and know it won’t always be that bad.

Aug-Dec 2015 Prozac 20mg / Dec 2015-Feb 2016 Prozac 15mg / Feb 2016-May2016 Prozac 20mg

May 2016-June 2016 15mg

June 2016-August 2016 10mg

October 2016-January 2017 15mg, alternating agitation/akathisia sets in --> cold turkey

January 2017 Clonazepam .5mg 

February 2017 Clonazepam 1mg (for a week) then .5mg morning and .25mg evening for about a month. Came down to .25mg morning and evening. 

May 1, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .125mg evening. // May 20, 2017 Clonazepam .25mg morning and .0625 evening (.3125 total).

early June .28125 // early mid june .25mg // mid june .21875 // late june .1875 // early july .15625 // early mid july .125 

mid july .09375mg // late july .0625 //early August 2017 down to .03125mg once a day, hopped off in mid August

reinstated at .0625mg late August // Oct 16 - updose to .07mg and switch to oral Rosemont solution

Nov 17 2017 reinstate Prozac .5mg // Nov 21 2017 prozac 1.6mg // Dec 18 2017  3mg prozac / fast taper off the reinstatement -- probably completely off early Oct 2018

June 2019 begin tapering off .07mg Clonazepam, Finish taper December 2019

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On 3/14/2019 at 2:05 PM, bheb said:

I hope it sticks, but don’t get too discouraged if you have a setback

 

Past 2 or 3 days have been pretty bad but not as bad as weeks ago. I am alone in a cabin in the woods and am going to be spending a long time like that because of work, its complicated. Its really getting to me, I am still thinking about suicide so much

 

Anyways, I am going to open up to my sister because I need help and I am not able to do this anymore. I am not sure how best to communicate. She is very mature and intelligent and understanding, however I don't think she has ever been through this. Also, she is a supporter of psychiatric drugs and I feel like all she will want me to do is take drugs and treat me like a mentally ill conspiracy theorist rejecting the true cure if I don't believe drugs are a good idea.

 

Honestly my brain is so messed up, maybe I should just let psychiatry do what theyd like to me because anything is better than my brain

 

Edited by ChessieCat
changed obscenity

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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On 2/21/2019 at 10:07 PM, Shep said:

How often are you taking Lorazepam? Please note Lorazepam is a benzodiazepine (benzo), which causes dependency in as little as 2 - 4 weeks, even with periodic use. 

 

I don't think you ever answered Shep's question.

 

Please do so.  If you are taking a benzo every now and then that may be causing you to feel worse.

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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50 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

I don't think you ever answered Shep's question.

 

 

Im sorry i missed the question.

 

I only take about 0.5mg of lorazepam every 2 weeks, so i dont consider it an issue. Ive had it for months and it hasnt become a problem. 

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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On 3/13/2019 at 5:06 PM, ascfgdxz said:

I don't know if it will last or what to attribute it to but in a way I am doing better and I'm happy about this. I think you guys helped a lot.

 

This is great to hear, Asc. 

 

10 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Past 2 or 3 days have been pretty bad but not as bad as weeks ago.

 

Again, this is progress, non-linear and slow, but still progress.

 

On 2/21/2019 at 8:19 AM, ascfgdxz said:

Also, I am barely taking it at all. In the past 3 months, I have taken in total 5 or 6mg. I have only been using it for emergencies

 

9 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I only take about 0.5mg of lorazepam every 2 weeks, so i dont consider it an issue. Ive had it for months and it hasnt become a problem. 

 

Has your lorazepam use increased? Or have you been taking .5 MG every 2 weeks all along?

 

This likely isn't enough to become dependent on (although I wouldn't take it any more than this), but if you are increasing your use, that could indicate a problem. 

 

Also, please note that lorazepam can cause rebound symptoms, so you may feel better short term, but than have ramped up anxiety later. 

 

Are you able to tolerate magnesium? You may find a bit of magnesium to be calming and helpful. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Start with a small amount and see how you do. 

 

10 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I am alone in a cabin in the woods and am going to be spending a long time like that because of work, its complicated. Its really getting to me, I am still thinking about suicide so much

 

Again, while we empathize with your struggles, Asc, I'm going to ask you again to stop posting about suicide.

 

Please see my previous post about this:

 

On 2/26/2019 at 5:11 PM, Shep said:

You have made multiple references to suicide and  wanting to die and now you are posting about getting your gun out. We empathize with your struggles, ascfgdxz, but I'm going to ask that you stop the constant references to suicide. 

 

This is triggering for our members; we need to keep the forum as therapeutic as possible.

 

If you are struggling and considering suicide, you need on-the-ground support, not a website.

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

Please note that repeated threats of suicide, including alluding to suicide and wanting to die, as well as veiled threats, are not allowed on the forum. 

 

You are catastrophizing and need to work on your non-drug coping skills. 

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

 

 

 

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Thanks Shep

1 hour ago, Shep said:
On 2/21/2019 at 8:19 AM, ascfgdxz said:

Also, I am barely taking it at all. In the past 3 months, I have taken in total 5 or 6mg. I have only been using it for emergencies

 

11 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I only take about 0.5mg of lorazepam every 2 weeks, so i dont consider it an issue. Ive had it for months and it hasnt become a problem. 

My use has gone down. So 5 or mg over 3 months is about 0.5mg per week. I am now taking 0.5mg every two weeks. So it's cut in half.

 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

This likely isn't enough to become dependent on (although I wouldn't take it any more than this), but if you are increasing your use, that could indicate a problem. 

 

It is decreasing. But you're right, taking lorazepam feels like ****, I am not happy to take it. It doesnt make me feel good, just makes me confused, slow, sick, forgetful etc. But atleast it stops a very bad downward cycle.

 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

Are you able to tolerate magnesium?

Yes I've been taking 300mg Magnesium Citrate every morning. Hard to tell if it's working

 

Thank you

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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ascf, from your posts here it seems that you are inclined to fear the worst possible outcome. You are inclined to see yourself as doomed, in a rather dramatic way. This is a habit of mind that  you can change. See

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

 

When one feels their troubles are overwhelming, suicide is one of a logical range of options. My guess is thinking about suicide is another thought that's in your habit of mind. You have control over these thoughts, you don't have to dwell on them and make yourself scared, you can let them pass by.

 

Please consider whether you might get dramatic on the negative side to make your life feel more vivid and full. If this is what's going on, it sounds like that doesn't work for you any more. You need to find another way.

 

You can turn your thoughts to other things, such as what might best accomplish something good for yourself. This is how people heal themselves from "depression." Find another channel. If you feel lonely, figure out ways to make friends -- join clubs, volunteer to care for animals, help out at the library. There are many ways to make friends, but usually you have to get out of your bedroom to do it.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Thank you for your reply

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

you are inclined to fear the worst possible outcome

You know, I often feel like I am so aware of my issues, why I feel what I feel, etc. But really I know nothing. I feel my assessments of the future are usually valid but youre right often they are not. For example, I have been applying for summer jobs and I was certain no one would want me and I'd interview terribly. But I interviewed very well and all 5 places I interviewed for offered me the job, so I am very happy about this. How can I correct this? Just employ CBT and try to embrace a more fair and honest approach?

 

So far, my last few weeks match up to the "Windows and waves" pattern you mention, so I hope I keep moving up. Although I am not currently suffering nay withdrawal, so maybe windows and waves does not apply to me.

 

Also the notes about shame/guilt/self critisicm that you posted taught me something new and were helpful, thank you.

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You have control over these thoughts, you don't have to dwell on them and make yourself scared

 

When I am totally alone for hours at night with little to do, it feels unavoidable to not dwell on it and feel awful. Now I understand that like you said, objectively I have the power to not dwell on it, maybe telling myself that I cant stop is the reason why I cant stop. I really do want desperately to stop being in so much pain from these thoughts every night. So what is the best way to not dwell on these thoughts and control it? Again, CBT? Distraction?

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please consider whether you might get dramatic on the negative side to make your life feel more vivid and full. If this is what's going on, it sounds like that doesn't work for you any more. You need to find another way.

 

I am not sure but I suppose its possible. Maybe at the end of the day, I feel so empty and unfullfilled and upset with this feeling that I decide it's my fault and fill he void with self hatred and purposely feeling bad. I am not sure. What's the best way to stop this?

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

such as what might best accomplish something good for yourself.

I am very productive and have been trying this for months. I started exercise, vitamins, eating better, volunteering, jobs, opening up to people, trying to make friends, more hobbies, self help books, self knowledge,  plans to go to college, I honestly am trying. It's just the worst when it's the time of day where I should relax and unwind, that's when my brain destroys me. I need a fundamental root change in this self hatred way of thinking.

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

"depression."

Why in quotes? Are you implying depression isn't real? Why? (Not that I disagree with you)

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

join clubs, volunteer to care for animals, help out at the library.

I honestly truly have been trying. 3 issues. I am moving so often that its always hard to settle in and build a network before you leave again. 2. I am in a town of 1500 people and there is little going on. 3. The majority of people my age in this town already have their friends from childhood and arent doing volunteering and stuff, so the majority of people I meet are way out of my age range.

 

Thanks again for the reply, means so much. Side note: I accepted a job I really really wanted today, excited to start and so happy I got it, woooooo!

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Side note: I accepted a job I really really wanted today, excited to start and so happy I got it, woooooo!

 

Very happy to hear this, Asc. Congratulations on a job well done. 

 

7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Why in quotes? Are you implying depression isn't real? Why? (Not that I disagree with you)

 

"Depression" as a chemical imbalance isn't real, as we've discussed.

 

Human distress is real. Feeling fatigued is real. Being scared is real. But the biochemical model of depression is something psychiatry made up and sold their patients out to the pharmaceutical companies. 

 

 

7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I really do want desperately to stop being in so much pain from these thoughts every night. So what is the best way to not dwell on these thoughts and control it? Again, CBT? Distraction?

 

You mentioned taking magnesium in the morning. You may want to try a little bit at night, as well. An epsom bath is an excellent way to add in a bit more magnesium. 

 

Mindfulness may be better than CBT in the evenings. Mindfulness can help you wind down and teach you not to interact with your thoughts and go into rumination spirals. 

 

This is a good video to try in the evenings:

 

Guided Meditation Deep sleep | anxiety and insomnia relief | relaxation before bedtime video (21 minutes)

 

If you don't like this one, there are thousands of others types of anxiety reducing videos out there to explore. 

 

Again, congratulations on your new job. As you bring in new experiences, they will form new memories and that is what you will think about instead of the dark thoughts you have now. It takes time, Asc, but it will happen. When do you start your new job? 

 

 

 

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A, I know that feeling.  It's goes away.  I promise you it goes away.  Eventually, it will come so rarely and last such a short time that you will know when it's there that you will not ever act on it.  That where I am.  It's so much easier to ignore now.  It is no longer a real threat to me.  The time period during WD when that feeling is frequent seems so short when I look back on it.  It did not feel that way then, but it was short.  I am very glad that I held on through that time.  You will be, too.

 

It's a normal feeling for WD, and it's a trick of the mind.  The counter trick is to say to yourself "that can wait until later."  It can always wait.  It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  This is all temporary.  At some point in your healing it will be just like any feeling such as hunger or thirst or sleepiness -- a feeling you an put aside and ignore.  Unlike hunger and thirst and sleepiness, it does not get worse.  It gets better -- less intense -- the longer you ignore it.  You must persistently ignore it each time it comes up.  It's an intrusive thought.  You must distract just as you would if you were hungry -- find something to do to distract.  Go outside and listen to nature.  Pick out every sound you hear.  Follow a sound.  Look at things - really look at them.  As JanCarol says "be curious."  You must not dwell on that feeling.  You must redirect your attention to something else.  That's how you can avoid the thought.  

 

I think you know you have a beautiful life ahead.  This is just a hard time.  We all have them.  People in WD have really hard times, but all the people on the Success stories thread have made it through, and you will, too.  Remember, this is temporary.  Say the words, "This is temporary" over and over again.

 

Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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8 hours ago, Shep said:

something psychiatry made up and sold their patients out to the pharmaceutical companies

When will this understanding become more accepted and mainstream? Kind of sucks to be seen as a delusion conspiracy theorist for not giving in to pharmaceutical delusional conspiracies. Breaks my heart that people who are suffering and looking for help are being hurt even more.

 

8 hours ago, Shep said:

magnesium in the morning. You may want to try a little bit at night, as well

So if I am taking 300mg in the morning, should I take another 150mg at night or should I only do 150mg in morning and 150mg at night? How long do the positive effects last?

 

Thank you for the meditation video. Mindfulness is basically clearing your mind and observing thoughts but not thinking them?

 

Thank you! I start the job on April22, but I also am going to Europe with family from April 12-21 which is great.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

It's a normal feeling for WD

 

I don't think I am in any withdrawal. I haven't taken any drugs in 27days and I took drugs for less than two weeks and it was not the most severe drug ever.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I know that feeling.  It's goes away.  I promise you it goes away.

Thank you, I respect and trust you. But if I am not in withdrawal, how do you know this feeling goes away? I feel like I've had it my entire life because I've been so alone/low self esteem my entire life. 

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

 I am very glad that I held on through that time.  You will be, too.

I have been and will hopefully continue to hold on. There were a few weeks where I was legitimately unable to hold on. It's been months of wasted lifetime and each day of this **** felt like forever, I want this to hopefully end, will keep trying thank you.

 

Ok I will distract and remind myself this is temporary, thank you!

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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Ok, I see you are an adverse reaction case.  I'm sorry that I used WD as a catch all.  That is confusing.  You are right.  You are not "in withdrawal;" you are suffering from destabilization which has the same symptoms as what many people call "prolonged withdrawal."

 

Both prolonged WD and adverse reactions cause a destabilization of the nervous system that have very similar or the same symptoms.  The name of the syndrome is dysautonomia.  "Prolonged withdrawal" is actually a journey through recovery from the destabilization syndrome.  The destabilization can occur from an adverse reaction, too.  In both cases, the body and brain have the ability to heal and re-stabilize.  This re-stabilization process is very, very similar after both WD and adverse reaction.  One of the symptoms is that feeling you keep experiencing.  

 

You and I have experienced the same illness, (and mine had a similar cause as my dose was raised over and over after my nervous system became slightly destabilized.  That's common, unfortunately.)  My destabilization became so serious that I quit the Zoloft.  That is also a common response to this syndrome.

 

I see your doctor gave you a very high dose of one drug in December and then Wellbutrin in February.  The Wellbutrin probably caused further destabilization.  It's also common for a doctor to try a new drug after a bad reaction.   

 

Everyone heals from the syndrome.  It's miraculous really.  Regardless of the cause of dysautonomia (destabilization of the nervous system) the nervous system heals in much the same way -- windows and waves.

 

This forum's main purpose is to help people avoid destabilization by informing people of slow tapering, but so few people arrive here in good shape.  Most have reduced the dose too quickly.  So, avoiding further destabilization is usually the best that can be done, as well as, supporting people through the misery.  As it turns out for an adverse reaction case avoiding further destabilization means avoiding psych drugs as well as many other substances, even supplements.

 

Ok, so let's find a way for you to avoiding talking about this feeling that is upsetting to you, of course, and is a problem for other members to see on your thread.  Could you say: I feel "that feeling" again? 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I see you are an adverse reaction case

My adverse reaction mainly came from the Sertraline, not the more recent Wellbutrin. 4 Days of Sertraline really was hell on earth, hearing voices, no sleep etc. But this was 3 months ago, I doubt 4 days of this drug 3 months ago still has effects on me. How long does it usually take for peoples nervous systems to go back to normal? I believe the majority of my problems have nothing to do with the effects of these drugs, but I could be wrong

 

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

avoiding psych drugs as well as many other substances, even supplements

I should be avoiding supplements too? Even stuff like omega3, vitamin D?

 

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Could you say: I feel "that feeling" again? 

Yes I could or "Really negative feelings" or something.

 

On top of everything, at the end of the day, I just feel like my life is pointless, there is no reason I feel fulfilled or excited about life. 

 

Anyways. Thank you for your reply!

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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26 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I just feel like my life is pointless, there is no reason I feel fulfilled or excited about life.

 

Hopefully this feeling will reduce when you start working.

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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Magnesium and Omega 3 in the form of fish oil are considered ok in small doses - much smaller than what is on the package as a dose.  You can work your way up slowly to see how each affects you, but don't try both at once or increase your dose of both at once.  Vitamin D can be a problem for some people.  It's best to get Vit D from food and sunlight for now, but some people can handle the supplements.  I don't think it's worth the risk.  You feel so bad right now that you have no way of knowing what is causing any increase in symptoms.  

 

You have had a sort of injury to your nervous system, that's what I believe.  Yes, it can affect you 3 months later.  It does not heal quickly.  Healing is a slow process.  In fact, the effects of the Wellbutrin on your fragile nervous system could be showing up weeks or months later, too.   

 

Like me, you had some pretty severe issues when you were 15.  Mine were situational -- a very bad home life, a bad diet, a lot of stress.  I'm not suggesting that all your problems are due to the sertraline or Wellbutrin, but for me, personally, the way I feel now at my worst is much, much, MUCH worse than any time before I took ADs.  I didn't start ADs until I was 28, and I didn't take them regularly until I was about 31.  I had years and years of going in and out of depression before ADs.  I know the difference.  

 

The very deep despair may have seemed to me to be strong before ADs, but it was off the charts in the most intense part of this recovery from the nervous system dysregulation.  Maybe you don't have a yardstick like I do.  Maybe this seems on par with how you felt before? If so, that is very good news as you may not have as far to go to reach stabilization.  Funny how that works.  We only know the worst we have experienced.  On a scale from 1-10, we don't know what someone else's 10 might be.  

 

Now, I laugh at how I felt before and the reasons I thought were the cause of my deep despair feelings.  Maybe that's why I can ignore it now in terms of action -- it's so much less intense, and I can feel the vast difference.  Don't get me wrong.  It still gets me down especially when it's happening day after day, and I'm pushing it away over and over again.  The repetitiveness of its occurrence has a strong effect on me, but then it goes away for days, or a week or so, and that helps.  Sometimes other symptoms pile on such as pain or lethargy, and the intrusive thoughts are like the straw that almost breaks the camel's back.  It always passes!  Every single time!!

 

There is no good answer to the question how long this recovery takes because it is different for everyone, but from what I have seen some of the adverse reaction people heal a lot -- a lot -- faster than people who took the drug for years.  You could be a lucky one, and this could be over in just a little while.  That's why I'm trying to help you avoid giving in to deep despair.  This is temporary for you, and it's temporary for me from this day forward, too.  It's temporary for all of us.  I took ADs for 15 years.  My brain has a lot of changes to make, and I'm going in and out of dysregulation/dysautonomia/destabilization time and time again.  You only have to recover from an adverse reaction and two weeks of Wellbutrin.  You are so young.  I'm not.  If I can do this, you can, too.  

 

No one can promise you anything regarding timeline, and I know you need a promise.  I need one, too, so desperately when I am feeling deep despair.  There is no way to get one, but I hope you will believe me when I say that I have read pages and pages here for months and months -- in July it will be 2 years -- and it is WAYYY too early for you to even THINK about giving up.   You are going to get to a point in a few months, or a few weeks, possibly when you wil say: "I am so glad I hung on through that very dark time."  Give yourself the opportunity to get there.  

 

The thing is that you get better all the time.  You will not feel THIS bad for the whole recovery period.  You will feel better after every wave.  Sometimes the waves can get quite deep.  They can feel interminable, but then they pass.  On Feb 25 you said you felt better, and you were surprised at how down you were before -- that was a window.  That's going to happen over and over.  Most people say they feel a lot of healing happens during a wave and that they reach a new level of baseline after each wave.  I agree, and my husband can see it, too.  Someone outside can see that that's true.  So, I think it must be.

 

As for your original depression, there is a natural cure in food.  There really is.  Not many doctors will ever tell you about it or help you with it, but it exists.  That is for later, but green leafy vegetables and Omega 3 fish oil are a big part of it.  So is stress reduction!!  (Do not choose a stressful profession.  You only get one life.  No one lives a good life in a stressful profession -- no one.). Why is kale so popular?  Because it's tasteless when raw.  It tastes like whatever you put on it.  People put it in smoothies because of the nutrients.  Doing that right now might be too much for you to take on, but just so you know that you are not doomed to a life of depression because drugs didn't work out for you.

 

Your life is not pointless.  Of that I am certain.  You are someone's child.  You are everything to that someone.  Someday you will be somone's parent, and you will understand what I mean.  (I feel my life is pointless sometimes, too.  That is another trick of the mind.  It will fade. Be here when it does.  I'm someone's mother.  So, my life is far from pointless.)  For now, take me at my word:. Your life has more meaning than you can know right now.  I suspect your parents have no idea how to help you, and having been in your shoes I know that you cannot begin to understand what you are to them, but you are, quite frankly, more important than anyone else in the entire world.  You seem to be aware enough to know that you don't want to tell them how much you are suffering.  Somehow, you know that would be very painful for them -- let that gut instinct tell you something -- you must hold on for them until this dark time passes.  It will pass.  Be here when it does.  You are mistaken to protect them from knowing you are suffering (unless they are abusive people.). If they are kind and love you, you must let them have the chance to help you, and you will have to figure out how to do that withOUT being put in the hospital, of course, but without telling them about "that feeling" let them help you any way they can.  Do not let them think that they should have done more, should have noticed how much pain you were experiencing, should have tried harder.  How?  Stay with them until this all passes, ok?  It will pass.

 

"The sun will rise tomorrow.  Be here when it does."  That is something people say in times like these to people suffering as you are  -- people who don't have this destabilization syndrome, that is.  Often, this syndrome causes morning to be very painful and difficult.  For me it is.  Late afternoon is much more comfortable for many of us, usually.  So, I changed the saying to "The sun will set tomorrow.  Be here when it does."  It's going to set soon today.  I'm feeling better.  I hope you are, too.

 

Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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13 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

So if I am taking 300mg in the morning, should I take another 150mg at night or should I only do 150mg in morning and 150mg at night? How long do the positive effects last?

 

Yes, you could take 150 MG in the morning and 150 MG at night to start. If you do okay, you may want to add in a bit more in the evening, but you could also do this with an epsom salt bath.

 

If you decide to increase the dose, do so in 25 - 50 MG increments. It's always best to go slowly and see how your mind/body reacts. Some people find that sipping on magnesium in liquid during the day is helpful and spreads out the dose throughout the day. Please re-read the magnesium thread that was linked, as it provides more information.

 

 

13 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Mindfulness is basically clearing your mind and observing thoughts but not thinking them?

 

Exactly. One of my favorite mindfulness teachers is Mooji and he says, "Your thoughts are just visitors and you are NOT a hotel! Don't invite them in!"

 

Meaning you can visualize your thoughts as strangers walking by, but you don't need to engage in conversation. Simply let these strangers go on. You don't need or want their drama. They are like toxic neighbors. 

 

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

As for your original depression, there is a natural cure in food.  There really is.  Not many doctors will ever tell you about it or help you with it, but it exists.  That is for later, but green leafy vegetables and Omega 3 fish oil are a big part of it.  So is stress reduction!!  (Do not choose a stressful profession.  You only get one life.  No one lives a good life in a stressful profession -- no one.). Why is kale so popular?  Because it's tasteless when raw.  It tastes like whatever you put on it.  People put it in smoothies because of the nutrients.  Doing that right now might be too much for you to take on, but just so you know that you are not doomed to a life of depression because drugs didn't work out for you.

 

Rosetta, all of your posts here have been wonderful. I want to emphasize this part because it's so true. 

 

Asc, if you can focus on eating clean and healthy, getting outside into nature, finding a profession you enjoy and that gives you meaning, and having a few emotionally healthy friends to connect with, your life will be golden. This doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. And you are well on your way - you've learned that psych drugs are dangerous, so you avoid them. You're learning about better ways of eating, so you'll incorporate that. You learned that being isolated is not good, so you got a job and you're soon to be on vacation with your family. These are all steps toward making yourself a good life and learning what's important to you. Start with this foundation and then build on it. 

 

As Rossetta has written, this is a temporary state. You are in a developmental crisis state that will pass. We know that from what Robert Whitaker has reported (see this postand because of the many people who have survived this experience, healed, posted their success stories, and are out living their lives. 

 

 

Link to comment
17 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Hopefully this feeling will reduce when you start working.

Yes I hope so too thank you, right now everything feels like "What is the point" and I'm worried this feeling will never leave

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

Link to comment
16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

from what I have seen some of the adverse reaction people heal a lot -- a lot -- faster than people who took the drug for years

Good to hear, though I am very sorry for people who have taken the drugs for a long time. 

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

That's why I'm trying to help you avoid giving in to deep despair.

I honestly appreciate it so much. You wrote so much and it was all very heartfelt and meaningful and I cant believe you are so caring to some guy you don't know over the internet. You are awesome.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

This is temporary for you, and it's temporary for me from this day forward, too.  It's temporary for all of us.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are so young.  I'm not.  If I can do this, you can, too.  

 

Thank you. My only concern is that looking back, I have always been trying to find friends and been unable to. Always feeling alone, always feeling bad and like a loser, always feeling lost. It's been this way since kindergarten and really has not gotten better everywhere I've been. I mean I actually had no friends and spoke to no one, I sat in a corner alone for recess everyday and didn't play with the other kids and if I did try to play or talk to them, I was insulted and rejected. That's age 0-14, even at home my parents worked, slept or watch tv, then at highschool it was even worse and along with a divorce, that's when it all fell apart. Not trying to throw a pity party but I've tried so much. Nothing about this feels temporary, I obviously cant predict the future, but I feel like I will be this way forever as I don't have the ability to make connections with people. 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I hope you will believe me when I say that I have read pages and pages here for months and months -- in July it will be 2 years -- and it is WAYYY too early for you to even THINK about giving up.   You are going to get to a point in a few months, or a few weeks, possibly when you will say: "I am so glad I hung on through that very dark time."  Give yourself the opportunity to get there.  

I wish I could fully believe you but I only believe you like 80% which is enough for me to give you the benefit of the doubt and keep trying but I am still worried if I will ever feel able to peacefully enjoy life and not feel like I am constantly struggling to get by and alone. I am going to keep trying to improve and really hope I can eventually say to you "I am so glad I hung on through that very dark time" thank you.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The thing is that you get better all the time

You are right. Before I was in actual danger, now very negative thoughts are happening less but still daily. Before every morning had significant pain in my stomach because of dread and misery. Now I am still unhappy but its far less severe and sickening. I have a lot of things to look forward to now and I only have 3 more weeks of isolation and unemployment to live through. 

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

green leafy vegetables and Omega 3 fish oil are a big part of it.  So is stress reduction!!  (Do not choose a stressful profession

I am trying to eat lots of vegetables and fish, work in progress. Now I am worried that all this work I have been doing to get a temporary job until school in september might have been a mistake. Maybe the profession I chose is too stressful and now I've messed up again.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Your life is not pointless.

The majority of my life, no one wants to really talk to me or be with me, hard to express how honestly isolated I have been since I could walk even until now. I am going to trust you that my life is not pointless, but the way it feels is like I am not even on the same planet as other people and that I have no impact on anyone else and I have no point to life at all. Like the only person I have is myself and that person treats me so awfully.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Someday you will be somone's parent

Maybe my mind will change and maybe I am too cynical right now, but I don't think I will ever be a parent. My sexuality is messed up/broken, I have no ability to be romantic or even make friends. I am too prone to guilt and shame that I would always feel awful as a parent for not giving my child everything and for being an awful parent who doesnt love their child. So I dont think I want to create a life when I cant even love or enjoy my own, I wish my parents made the same decision about me since they dont love their lives.

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

For now, take me at my word:. Your life has more meaning than you can know right now.

Thank you. I want to be feeling good enough that I am able to make a life of meaning. One thing I know that gives me meaning is connection to others and helping others, when I am able to help someone or find some actual vulnerability and understanding with someone else, I feel alive and I feel real and happy. If I was settled and could be part of an actual community and have friends and connections and love people and help them, I think I would feel happy, I wouldn't feel pointless or alone. I already try to volunteer and meet people but it's very difficult when I move all the time, I live in small rural towns with few opportunities to meet people especially my age, I have poor social skills, poor self esteem and confidence, unemployed, alone, depressed. I think even at my best effort and progress, it would take 3 or 4 more years before I can at earliest stop moving and be able to develop connections and settle into a community, but that's even if I can stop the self hatred. 

 

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

If they are kind and love you, you must let them have the chance to help you

They are not abusive or anything like that, just poor communication styles that makes me not want to talk to them. My mom is very obsessive and always way too much in your space and talking and worried and stuff as it is, I cant handle that x100, also she has a long track record of not keeping things private that I tell her to keep private, she also doesn't listen well and just reacts emotionally manipulatively as a victim but not purposely, makes me feel guiltier. My dad only knows how to show love by buying me **** I dont need or want and then guilt tripping me about it. He has good advice often but I find him often hurtful and has the maturity of a selfish 8 year old at times. Both parents already help me as much as they can and think I am getting better. If I tell them more, I think it wont help me more except make them more worried and all they can do is throw money at me which I don't want because of guilt

 

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Stay with them until this all passes, ok?  It will pass.

Ok, I will

 

Rosetta, thank you for all you wrote. I am not great at expressing thanks enough to reciprocate all you have said but please take a real genuine thank you from me. I really value what you have said, you sound like an incredible person. You have given me more hope and I am trusting you and others here, I am going to stay and try. On the immediate bright side, I finally have a job lined up, going to eat better and continue to exercise, have a family trip and college in September. And I am also very happy because I found that in the town I am moving to for work in a month, even though it's rural, it has a mental health department with free one on one therapy and support groups for dbt, self esteem etc (22mins from work, 45mins from home). So that also gives me a lot of hope, they sound very nice on the phone and I am for sure going to try and sign up (No waiting list). Bottomline, I don't just want but I need to 1. be able to care about myself and 2. have connections with others. in order for me to survive this life, I can't do either right now and I never have. Why do you care so much to invest so much time and care into someone you don't know and why do you believe my life is not pointless and care so much to keep me around? You don't know me. Thanks again

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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8 hours ago, Shep said:

150 MG in the morning and 150 MG at night to start

Thanks

 

8 hours ago, Shep said:

"Your thoughts are just visitors and you are NOT a hotel! Don't invite them in!"

That's awesome haha

 

8 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Asc, if you can focus on eating clean and healthy, getting outside into nature, finding a profession you enjoy and that gives you meaning, and having a few emotionally healthy friends to connect with, your life will be golden. This doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. And you are well on your way

Eating healthy=3/5 Nature=4/5 Friends=0/5. Now proffesion I cant tell if it will be a 5/5 or a 1/5. Hard to know but yes I am on my way, thanks for the inspiration. 

 

8 hours ago, Shep said:

You learned that being isolated is not good

Yes for sure, a lot of obstacles to overcome this though, you're right a job/family is a good first step.

 

I know I have said thank you a million times but I don't know how else to make up for how much I value the help you and everyone is giving me, so thank you.

 

 

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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Why do I care?  I'm just that sort of person, maybe?  Some people just are?  Maybe it's because of what I've been through?  Being abused might make me care about people who suffer?  I don't know the answer.  However, I've been through that deep despair feeling many times.  I've learned some things about how to manage it.  I've learned that there are ways to survive it.  All I can give you is hope that you can do the same.  Truthfully, sitting down and writing out the reasons to keep living helps me remember what they are.  If it helps you and helps people who read your thread all the better.  Maybe there is some purpose for my suffering and my efforts.  

 

You are 18 or 19?  In between high school and college?  That is a big part of your "trouble."  You will age out of a lot of these "mental health problems."  Many of them are caused by our societal structure that excludes teenagers from normal life.  High school is not reality.  High school is a fake, manufactured, parallel universe created by our civilization to keep young men and women occupied for 4 years when the adults have no use for them.  It's existed in the U. S. -- for everyone -- for only about 150 years or so maybe.  We justify this suspended reality for kids by teaching them math and science and literature there, and we pretend that it's necessary to segregate then from the rest of society in order to teach them those things.  The fact that parents work in places teenagers are not allowed to be has created a civilization that creates "mental illness" in kids.  By isolating teenagers with a bunch of other kids who are all struggling with hormones and living in a fake situation we cause them a great deal of stress and confusion.  

 

We give them the worst food imaginable, too, and it is absolutely no wonder that they have so many "mental health" problems.  

 

We also make them get up wayyyy too early to go to school.  The early start and lack of rest is probably 50% of the cause of depression!!!!  You are going to grow out of that need to sleep late and start to feel better as you get older.  (Junior high is just as bad or worse.  I may not send my child to a junior high.).

 

I'm not saying I have some sort of solution to the fact that there is no place for 14 to 18 year olds in our society that is better than high school, and I'm not saying kids should not have a free high school education.  I'm simply saying that there are some very serious, harmful downsides to the way we do it.  I was so unhappy in high school and that Summer afterward.  Now, I understand why.  Your feelings right now have a lot to do with your age and the situation you have been through recently.  Please know that.

 

College will be much, much different, and you can make your life better, A.  Make sure you eat well and sleep enough.  Pretend to drink, but don't drink.  You can pour some out when no one is looking.  Or tell people you are diabetic.  Join clubs, exercise all you can, and please don't use any drugs.  Your brain can't handle it.  College is a whole different ball game.  You will become an entirely different person.  You go there on a clean slate.  You are no longer the shy guy or the loner or whatever you were labeled as in high school.  You are just you, and you will make friends.

 

Sadly, your parents went through the same thing in high school, but they didn't have a choice whether to send you.  It's the law, and, usually, there is no alternative.  Your parents sound like . . . Well, parents.  Parents drive kids crazy, they are annoying, they fuss over you, they worry about you and act anxious, they get mad at you for being a normal kid.  Ahhhh, they make you feel guilty!! That is sooooo normal!!! Wow.  Looking back, I can see how normal that is, but it's really uncomfortable isn't it?  He doesn't mean to make you feel that way, most likely.  He's probably trying to give you what he didn't have.  Take his money, A.  He wants you to take it, and all he needs is for you to say thank you, a genuine thank you, and then try not to waste it.  Just try not to waste it, but you will sometimes.  Life is messy and inconvenient and we lose things, we lose money, we get parking tickets, etc.  It is impossible to not waste money some of the time -- impossible.  (I didn't have parents who cared, but I recognize all of that in my grandfather, my grandmother and my friends' parents.  My grandfather couldn't do anything for me EXCEPT give me money, and now I wish I had understood that all I had to do was try not to waste it, but that it was impossible to succeed every time and that is ok.)

 

I have to go pick up my kid now, but I am certain that if you eat well and take naps after early classes you are going to find that college is a completely different world for you!!  It was for me.  After college, life was hard again -- again due to changing location, and losing all the friends I made in college.  I now know how I could have made that better, and I think there are many books and articles you can read in order to make it better for you, too.  (Eat well, rest enough, join clubs, and stay away from toxic people.)

 

Rosetta

 

 

The big secret is that if a person has two or three real friends that is wild success.  Shocking, huh?  No one tells us this when we are kids.  Most people have only one friend.  A lot of people have none.  They have acquaintances, but no real friends.  It's not at all unusual.  You aren't alone.  Moving around a lot prevents forming friendships and makes keeping them impossible.  I have 2 friends who call me and want to see me every so often.  I have acquaintances who at least agree to see me if I call them.  That's it. 

 

Most people are friendly because they are trying to get something from you and give very little back.  They do not even realize that is the case!!  They expect too much from their friends, and then they are lonely.  It's the subject of novels and non-fiction books galore.  It's being human.  It's hard to find and keep a balance of being a good friend but not too needy.  If you can avoid being too needy most of the time and so can your friend you can maintain the friendship.  I always had plenty of "friends" in high school, and most of them treated me poorly.  I didn't want to be alone so I put up with it.  I have learned how to identify those people and keep them away.  They go away if I don't let them take advantage of me.  The ones who stay and give back naturally become my friends.  It takes years of learning the signs, but there are books you can buy that help you identify the behaviors of people who are not good friends.  The simple way is that if someone makes you feel bad (over and over again) after you have spent time with him or her, that person is probably not a good friend.  

 

You need acquaintances and activities, not friends right now.  Friends will come along from those acquaintances slowly over time.  

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

sitting down and writing out the reasons to keep living

What are yours if I can ask?

 

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are 18 or 19?  In between high school and college?  That is a big part of your "trouble."

I'm almost 23. That's what makes me feel even more ashamed. My issues and ability to handle them are at the level of an 18 year old who is just beginning to be an adult. But I have already moved out, got a degree, worked full time for years, supported myself etc. Now its all gone. Feel so ashamed. I completely agree with everything you said about high school though, though not so applicable to me now. I already have been to a 2 year college of 200 students in the middle of nowhere where I was again bullied and rejected and spoke to no one. Then I transferred to another school for one year and had a much better time but was so busy with schoolwork and a small program size that the friendships never grew much and everyone moved away. So I don't know, I think there's something wrong with me if no one wants me. So now I am going to college a 3rd time and feel like a failure loser. I also am excited for college at the same time but am dissapointed and frustrated because I feel I wont get my full potential out of it because I will be depressed and still have no social skills to make friends.

 

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You need acquaintances and activities, not friends right now.  Friends will come along from those acquaintances slowly over time.  

I'll only be in this town for another month, the next town for four months, the town after that for 8 months, then 4 months somewhere else, then 8 months then somewhere else and already its been like this for years. You're right, friends aren't coming any time soon, I would be lucky to even have some acquaintances. Sorry I am being really negative right now because I am having defeatist very negative thoughts. Thank you.

 

Also you mentioned staying away from drugs/alcohol. I agree, days of getting wasted are not fun anymore or productive. I've never smoked weed but I did take large doses of shrooms when I was 16 and 22 (6 months ago). How harmful is this to my neurology? Thanks

 

 

 

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

Link to comment
8 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

 

I'm almost 23. That's what makes me feel even more ashamed. My issues and ability to handle them are at the level of an 18 year old who is just beginning to be an adult. 

 

Yes, me, too, when this first started to show itself as a problem.  You will see that written on other threads here.  My husband says my symptoms are detailed in all the articles he has read on traumatic brain injury.  He tells me not to worry about my level of functioning because it's improving all the time, but after a TBI the dysautonomia occurs the same way.  We don't expect people with TBI to be ashamed.  For what it's worth, I was lost after college, too.  College gave me structure, and that disappeared afterward.  I had a crummy job that was a dead end.  If I could have gone back to school right away I would have.  Then, I did go to school, but I chose a very stressful profession.  I went on ADs to cope with the stress, and here I am with a destabilized nervous system.

 

A college with only 200 people?  That's a high school from a social perspective.  No wonder you were unhappy.  We used to call that a fishbowl.  So was my graduate school with only about 500 people in the middle of no where.  

 

What kind of program are you pursuing that moves you around so much?  Four/eight/four/eight?  Or are you moving back home in the Summers?  

 

Oh, my most important reasons for living are different from yours.  (I can't leave my child and husband, but I have other reasons that are the same as yours, too.  Many years of life when I get well.) When I was 24 my reasons were my grandparents and the fact that I was young and thought things would get better.  They did get better until I had a stressful job, and then another.  I took ADs to cope with my job, and then I missed doses of my AD without knowing that would damage my nervous system.  Taking ADs makes the ability to handle stress less likely, and so -- downward spiral.  What really hurt me the most was having my AD cold switched by the doctor when my child was born.  She thought my baby would not breastfeed well if I stayed on the citalopram.  She thought sertraline was safer.  Maybe she was right.  That's not important to you.  You have a long life free of drugs ahead of you.  You found out very young how dangerous drugs can be.  You are so lucky for that.  When you get over this destabilization and at properly, exercise, get enough sleep and enough sunlight your life will be golden.  

 

All ll drugs are dangerous and have risks doctors never discuss with you -- all of them.  Only take drugs if you are going to die or be seriously injured without them.  Never take antibiotics that are fluoroquinolones.  Never have adrenaline based numbing agents at the doctor.  Use aspirin, not Tylenol or ibuprophen except in small doses very rarely.  Never use shrooms again.  They might have been safe before (or not), but never again after the AD injury, ok?  No marijuana, no street drugs, no psych drugs again.)

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Then, I did go to school, but I chose a very stressful profession

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

What kind of program are you pursuing that moves you around so much?

Can I ask what you chose? The reasons I have been moving around so much are for work and school, I studied agriculture but no longer want to pursue this career. I am now going back to school for land surveying because I love the outdoors and geography and I'm good at math, I already worked in the industry for a year. But I am worried that it will be too stressful and you're right, I shouldn't choose a stressful job. But if I don't go, its going to mess everything up and I won't know what to do. The reasons I have been moving so much have nothing to do with this new career field though, however it often does require you being away from home for long periods of time.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I can't leave my child and husband

Yeah it seems like ultimately for most people, the main reason is you don't want to hurt those that you love. This is why I don't want kids because I feel like even if I get better, I might get very bad again and I don't want to be a bad dad and only be around because I don't want to hurt them. I honestly feel like my parents regret having kids and they pretend to like their job and life because their kids are a ball and chain. My reasons right now are that I am trusting people on the internet who say it will get better, and that I don't want to destroy my family.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

You have a long life free of drugs ahead of you

Yes I realize how lucky I am all thanks to people like you helping to raise awareness. Such bullsh*t that it's going to take the suffering of so many good people like you for a long time until people will realize what these drugs do.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Never use shrooms again.  They might have been safe before (or not), but never again after the AD injury, ok?  No marijuana, no street drugs, no psych drugs again.)

Do you believe that me having a bad experience with sertraline over 4 days is enough to permanently make my brain unable to take recreational drugs? BTW, when I called my doctor when I was having the horrible symptoms and asked if I would suffer any withdrawal after 4 days (I wasn't educated on them), she basically laughed at me and treated me like I was lying or exaggerating, made me feel like ****. Not until I get better but I have wanted to try mild marijuanna a little bit before my life is over. I don't have to, but everyone says it's so safe as long as you don't overdo it. I know right now with my sensitive brain is not a good time but forever? What about alcohol?

 

Thanks for the message.

 

December 2018 (4 days of use): Sertraline 50mg (Stopped, adverse reaction/hypnagogia)

February 2019 (2 weeks of use): Wellbutrin XL 150mg (Stopped, tinnitus)

May 6th 2019: Started Wellbutrin XL 150mg, after two days switched to Wellbutrin SR 100mg (Difficult breathing issues)

May 9th 2019 Switched to Effexor 37.5mg (Because doctor decided Wellbutrin wasn't a good fit, he had me take 2x 0.5mg lorazepam per day during first week of Effexor) for one day and then 75mg every day after that (Muscle weakness, feeling emotionless, feeling of not being able to move, apathy, tense muscles, tingling, itchiness, lower mental capacity, slurred speech, uncoordinated walking, shaky hands, headaches, immense nausea when yawning, frequent yawning, confusion, lost sens of time, at night seeing all the objects and lights in the room move a lot and stretch and shrink and breath

 

Supplements: Vitamin B, Vitamin D 2000IU, Omega3 1000mg, Magnesium Citrate 500mg, 2 multivitamins

Lorazepam: Given 20mg in December. Took a lot (8-12mg or so) between December and February. Took 1.5mg Week of April 22nd

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