Daisygirlsk: I'm at a total loss and desperate

[manymoretodays]

How are you doing Daisygirlsk?

[Daisygirlsk]

1 hour ago, manymoretodays said:

How are you doing Daisygirlsk?

Not great really struggling 

[manymoretodays]

Is it the anxiety/fears/panic again?

Any coping strategies that help?

And then don't forget to try some non-drug coping as well, for "anxiety".

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

and right in the first post there is a whole indexed list of things to pick from

 

Good links for anxiety and worry

 

And here is a post with a couple of links to the "legs up against the wall pose": 

 

And then:  The Dr. Claire Weekes Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

So you could try some or all of these too, for some relief.  It does take practice.

 

And more, these were posted to another member earlier:

  

14 hours ago, Shep said:

Since you're sleeping well, I would avoid alcohol and work with non-drug coping skills to handle anxiety and panic attacks instead of going back on another drug. Please see:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Sudden fear, terror, panic, or anxiety from withdrawal

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety
 
Rebuilding self-confidence, accepting anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

You may find Dr. Claire Weekes to be helpful. Here are some links from ChessieCat:

 

 

On 11/2/2020 at 10:31 PM, ChessieCat said:

This site has some excellent self help resources (scroll down for links to various topics) including the First Aid for Panic mp3s:

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes) Female voice - getselfhelp.co.uk
 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes) Male voice - getselfhelp.co.uk

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/selfhelp.htm

 

Dr Claire Weekes was an Australia doctor who suffered from and taught ways to cope with anxiety:

 

dr-claire-weekes-method

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

 

 

And (((((Daisygirlsk)))))))  Just a bad Wave, I think.  Windows and Waves.  And usually time, will help.  Maybe it was the alcohol that set you back a bit?  I thought I saw some alcohol recently in your Introduction here. 

Try some music, or a bath, whatever usually helps.  Are you sleeping okay?

 

Rooting for you.....cheering you on.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[Daisygirlsk]

Finally after 2 years of this I had a FULL DAY window yesterday. I couldn't believe how different I felt. Relaxed and happy and actually enjoying life. Not trapped in my head all day with nonstop anxiety and ocd and depressive thoughts.

 

Edited November 29, 2020 by ChessieCat
highlighted text for member's benefit

[sunnysideup69]

Fantastic, @Daisygirlsk! And there will be more. Healing is happening!

[wantrelief]

This is great news - it must have felt SO good not to have that feeling of being trapped in your head all day with the nonstop thoughts (I am, unfortunately, very familiar with that feeling)!  As SSU said, healing is happening! 

 

[ChessieCat]

That's good news.  I've highlighted the text so it is easier for you to see.

[Daisygirlsk]

Back in a wave. Horribly dizzy and extremely fatigued. Nausea and couch ridden. I feel fairly calm though which is nice. I definitely regret reinstating as it is obvious from my notes that I felt dramatically worse a couple hours after ingestion. It definitely set me back. Ugh

[Daisygirlsk]

I had about a 4 hour window last night and it was bliss. Slept amazingly well. Then woke up shaking and near vomiting and full of fear and scary thoughts. So discouraging.

[Daisygirlsk]

Hello I need some advice

I seem to keep making more and more mistakes.

I've reinstated low doses several times in the last month in order to get some relief from my 2 years long intrusive thoughts since my fast taper in 2018.

I'm currently at 2.5 mg citalopram. I've been taking that for 4 days now. The first two days I didnt feel too bad. Yesterday I had insane panic all day and also what I feel is mild akathisia.

I dont feel too well today either but not as bad as yesterday. Should I continue to hold the 2.5 or drop down? Thank you.

[manymoretodays]

Hi Daisygirlsk,

15 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

I've reinstated low doses several times in the last month in order to get some relief from my 2 years long intrusive thoughts since my fast taper in 2018.

 

Do tell on these reinstatement's of the last month?  I recall you giving up on the citalopram 0.5 mg reinstatement, sometime after November 10th.  It seemed you had concluded that it was making symptoms worse overall.

 

What's a day look like?  Do you remember the Notes, I think you were able to do a few.

Time on the left, then drug by name and dose, symptoms as they occur throughout the day on the right, as well, as any supplements, sleep, etc.

And again, you can rate symptoms, say like panic I would think might be a 10, where some anxiety/fears but perhaps not the worst kind, might be at a 2-6.

 

This way we can see how the symptoms occur in relation to your reinstatement dose. 

Did you gradually increase your dose of citalopram to 2.5 mg or just start with that 4 days ago?

When do you take it?  Do you stick with taking your dose at the same time each day?

(most of this could go in Notes, the ones you post right here in a reply)

 

Account Settings/signature  should get you right to your signature so you can put dates and medication(s) and doses in your signature too

 

If there have been other changes, besides this reinstatement, in the last month, Daisygirlsk, it may take a little longer to see what is what as your body adjusts to ?changing medications and/or doses.  You remember, that it takes, for most of the medications we work with, 4-7 days to achieve steady state.

 

And so, I don't know what to tell you, without more information right now.  I'm glad that today is better so far, than yesterday. 

 

And oh, are you feeling increased stress from outside issues, like the Holiday season?  I know for many, it can be a good time to just HOLD steady, or HOLD for the Holidays.

 

And ((((Daisygirlsk)))))

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited December 12, 2020 by manymoretodays
additional

[ChessieCat]

I posted this yesterday to another member.  It was related to changing doses but much of it is also relevant to your situation:

 

Sometimes understanding what is happening can help us to be more patient with the process.

 

The brain is always adapting which is called homeostasis.  When we add a drug then the brain adapts and changes what it needs to do, it balances things out.

 

When we take the drug away then it tries to balance things out again.  If we take the drug away too quickly it has to do a lot of sorting out to get the balance right.  If we take the drug away slowly then the brain doesn't have to try and make as many changes.

 

So every time you change your dose the brain has to change.  When you keep the dose the same then the brain doesn't have as much work to do to balance things out.

 

Think of it like a game of tennis.  If your opponent keeps hitting the ball to your right you get used to it and are more prepared for it and you don't have to move very much and can keep your balance better.  But if all of a sudden your opponent changes the direction of where they are hitting the ball then all of a sudden you have to change what you are doing, you have to work harder.  If your opponent keeps hitting the ball in a different direction every time they return it you have to run all around the court.

[jozeff]

On 11/29/2020 at 3:40 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

Finally after 2 years of this I had a FULL DAY window yesterday. I couldn't believe how different I felt. Relaxed and happy and actually enjoying life. Not trapped in my head all day with nonstop anxiety and ocd and depressive thoughts.

 

Wow!
That is great news Daisy!

 

I realize you had some bad days since but this sounds very encouraging.

 

This is how healing happens.

 

How much citalopram are you currently taking. Still 2.5 mg if I'm correct. I wouldn't jump around too much if I were you. I think it's better to choose a certain dose and deal with that for a while. I made the mistake to chase the holey amount of meds but you keep changing then.

Your situation is unique of course so the moderators can advice you better. 

 

Hope you have many more days where you feel a lot better.

 

 

Cheers

Jozeff

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

On 12/11/2020 at 8:36 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

I'm currently at 2.5 mg citalopram. I've been taking that for 4 days now. The first two days I didnt feel too bad. Yesterday I had insane panic all day and also what I feel is mild akathisia.

 

Does this seem a repeat of your earlier attempts at reinstatement?

 

We do need to see those daily notes.

[Daisygirlsk]

Yes I've been at 2.5 for 7 days now. I will post notes tomorrow. Thank you 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Daisygirlsk, 

Sending you a wave and a hug.

I know it's difficult, but it's better to make a decision and stick with it, rather than yoyo around on doses. I did similar with Citalopram and it was awful. Probably not what you want to hear, and I do understand the urge to just do SOMETHING to make yourself feel better. But very often, that 'doing something' is simply sitting tight and making no changes and allowing your brain to do what it needs to, in order to heal.

Sending good wishes from London xxx

[Daisygirlsk]

Had a great sleep last night 

11am - 2.5mg citalopram and birth control pill

2pm - actually have appetite so had lunch. Bit of a headache. Had no appetite yesterday. Feel somewhat spaced out and intrusive thoughts. But my body is not anxious or panicky at all.

3:45 - got a decaf coffee. After drinking 1/3 got akathisia. 

4:15 - did a low impact workout for 11 minutes. Felt calmer after. Legs not vibrating as much. Ate some vegetables. Tried laying down but body uncomfortable from akathisia and suicidal thoughts strong. 

530 - ate supper. Body calming a lot. Still intrusive thoights but they have always been my main symptom. They're definitely less intense today than yesterday. Have not had a single panic attack today. Had them all day yesterday.

6:30. Relaxing and watching TV. Akathisia feeling very mild now.

[Daisygirlsk]

I had a fairly good day yesterday. Then the entire night when I tried to sleep I would be jolted awake with insane cortisol rushes. I had to take an ativan. I'm at such a loss of what to do because I went back on the drug because my intrusive thoughts were so bad and now they are less bad but I am often very panicky and have mild akathisia and crazy adrenaline surges. I just dont know what to do anymore.

[Daisygirlsk]

Today:

Barely slept last night kept waking with intense cortisol rushes. Couldn't sleep..

5am got up to teach online. Shaking

6am took ativan 

7am teaching and getting calmer 

730 to 11 - sleeping. Woke up shaking and with anxiety 

1pm - had lunch. 

3pm - internal shaking but feel fairly calm. Tired. 

[ChessieCat]

Shep posted this to another member but I think it might help you too:

 

  

11 hours ago, Shep said:

Adverse reactions from short-term use are generally a difficult ride for quite some time. The more you can distract and not spiral into catastrophic thinking, the better off you'll be. It's exhausting continuing to fight it and the collateral damage is already done. So try to rest from the thoughts that come from DP/DR. 

 

People heal from this all the time and then go onto re-build their lives quite successfully. Knowing how dangerous these drugs are means you can keep your children safe from these pill-prescribing "doctors" who are targeting children. So even as brutal as this experience is and as much as it's cost you so far, there may be some meaning, especially in the long term. Right now, DP/DR has you so hyper-focused on the present that you're unable to see the future when you've healed. 

 

Healing is not an event - it's a process. And we have a lot we can do to navigate through so that positive neuroplasticity can take root. For more, please see:

 

Healing from antidepressants: The power of neuroplasticity video (7.5 minutes)

 

And be aware of the dark side of neuroplasticity:

 

Norman Doidge - The Dark Side of Neuroplasticity video (2 minutes)

 

By continuing to dwell on the negative and give more voice to those negative thoughts, you are channeling a path in your brain. Best to avoid this by catching these thoughts early and re-directing them. Please see:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

Because you're still in the storm, you're not able to see clearly. Knowing that, I wouldn't listen to any thoughts that tell you you're "ruined for life." 

 

This is worded for benzo withdrawal, but it could easily be used for any type of withdrawal and it's one of my favorite posts of all time. 

 

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

 

[Daisygirlsk]

Dec 15 2020

Woke up continually with cortisol rushes. Awake til 7am. Had to take ativan then slept 4 hours.

11am - awake and took 2.5mg citalipram and birth control pill

3 - internal shaking and vibrating and very tired. No intrusive thoights though.

430 - suicidal thoughts. Feel very trapped and scared. Slight shaking 

510 - lots of crying and pleading for this to all be over. Violent intrusive thoughts.

6 - had supper  legs buzzing and stomach tight

720 - body vibrating stomach clamped up feel suicidal legs shaking

815 - stomach really cramped disoriented and shaking. Stomach hurts. High blood sugar 

9 - dpdr. Hands and feet very sweaty. 

Panicking all night had to take ativan 1mg at 11pm.

Slept well

 

[Daisygirlsk]

I just continually feel worse in the reinstatement and I am now getting hooked on benzos to get through the day. Should I just stop?

[Shep]

@Daisygirlsk Did you only take Ativan on the 14th and 15th of this month? If so, you can stop. If you've taken more, please post how long you've been taking them - list the days and the doses. 

[Altostrata]

Please add dosage taken to the drugs in your daily notes.

 

On 12/11/2020 at 8:36 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

I'm currently at 2.5 mg citalopram. I've been taking that for 4 days now. The first two days I didnt feel too bad. Yesterday I had insane panic all day and also what I feel is mild akathisia.

 

It takes about 4 days for a change in antidepressant dosage to ramp up to full effect. A bad effect after 4 days indicates the dosage is too much for you. However, the good effect earlier indicates a little less might work for you.

 

If you are taking 2.5mg, I would reduce to 2mg, continue to track with daily notes and let us know how you're doing.

[Daisygirlsk]

Thank you I will do this tomorrow. Overall I feel like my intrusive thoughts are lessening but every evening I vibrate and feel dizzy and my heart beats too fast. So 2 mg might be better? I also get really drowsy and nauseous and cortisol rushes in bed

[Daisygirlsk]

Dec 17 2020

Barely slept last night had insane cortisol rushes took 1 mg ativan.

5am - up to teach online. Felt ok. Some intrusive thoights.

11am - 2.5mg citalipram 

1 to 3 pm - felt pretty well. Chatted online.

4 to 5 pm - went out driving with mom. Felt calm. Drank a decaf coffee. Started having lots of anxious thoughts. Close to panicking

530 - supper. Legs starting to vibrate. Getting very drowsy and nauseous after eating

7pm - feel not too bad. Talking on phone so distracted. Some vibrating in legs. 

9pm - really shaky and horribly dizzy. Ears ringing a bit. Nauseous. Yawning a lot. Feel like body plugged into an electric socket.. feel very tired but wired. 

[Shep]

On 12/14/2020 at 7:25 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

3:45 - got a decaf coffee. After drinking 1/3 got akathisia. 

 

6 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

4 to 5 pm - went out driving with mom. Felt calm. Drank a decaf coffee. Started having lots of anxious thoughts. Close to panicking

 

I would stop drinking decaffeinated coffee. Even decaf still has some caffeine in it and looks like it's causing upticks in symptoms.

 

Caffeine has a half-life of 6 hours, so drinking it at 4 or 5 in the afternoon means you still have 50% of it in your system when you try to go to sleep at night. 

 

On 12/16/2020 at 7:40 PM, Shep said:

@Daisygirlsk Did you only take Ativan on the 14th and 15th of this month? If so, you can stop. If you've taken more, please post how long you've been taking them - list the days and the doses. 

 

Please post how many days you've been taking Ativan.

 

[Daisygirlsk]

I had a really scary night last night.  I had extreme anxiety.  I was completely dissociating, dizzy and could not calm down no matter what I tried.  My whole body was vibrating and sizzling.  I felt like i was just full of electricity.  I could not sleep because my head would bang me awake.  I was absolutely terrified.  I took 1mg ativan and that helped me to sleep for a few hours.  I feel really horrible this morning.  My blood pressure fluctuates a lot since i reinstated from being too high to too low. I have type 1 diabetes and I know you can't comment on other medical conditions but this fluctuating is very dangerous for me.  I have been reinstated on citalopram 2.5mg for 9 days and I definitely did not feel this horrible before i reinstated.  Can I just stop?  I need my sleep back since I can't really sleep anymore and I barely eat.  My blood sugars are out of control.  i have taken 1mg ativan the past 4 nights otherwise I would not sleep at all.

[ChessieCat]

12 hours ago, Shep said:

Please post how many days you've been taking Ativan.

 

Please answer Shep's question.  You may have missed it because it was at the bottom of the post after a quote.

[Daisygirlsk]

Hello i did mention it in my last post I've taken 1 mg the past 4 nights. 

[ChessieCat]

Sorry, it was right at the bottom of the post and I missed seeing it.

 

Just a tip.  When answering, or asking, questions it is better to make sure that they can be clearly seen.  The mods are also tapering or post taper and we deal with a lot of members and reading of text on a screen which can become overwhelming and tiring.  It's helpful if we can easily see the information that we need.

 

Thanks.

[Daisygirlsk]

 12pm - got up. Did not sleep well had to take 1mg ativan at 4am

1:30pm - 1.75mg citalopram and birth control pill

2-5pm - felt fairly relaxed. Low intrusive thoughts. Some feelings of electricity running through body but mild compared to yesterday 

530 - symptoms starting to ramp up mainly drowsiness dizziness and electrical surges 

7pm - feel better than at 530 although legs still buzzing mildly

8- anxiety increasing. 

9- fell asleep for about 20 minutes. Woke up panicky and very dizzy 

1020 - uncomfortable buzzing and crawling feeling in legs. Body very tense. Scary thoughts and some crying. 

 

Should I stay on 1.75mg citalopram? This is a dose decrease from last 5 days. 

[Shep]

On 12/15/2020 at 4:02 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

6am took ativan 

 

On 12/16/2020 at 3:17 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

Dec 15 2020

Panicking all night had to take ativan 1mg at 11pm.

 

On 12/17/2020 at 10:25 PM, Daisygirlsk said:

Dec 17 2020

Barely slept last night had insane cortisol rushes took 1 mg ativan.

 

10 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

12pm - got up. Did not sleep well had to take 1mg ativan at 4am

 

Daisy, your Ativan dosing is all over the place. Please be VERY consistent with your benzo. It looks like you're going to be dependent on this drug unless you stop very soon, so please pick a time to take it every day and stick with that schedule. You'll be able to slowly taper off it later. 

 

On 12/17/2020 at 6:38 PM, Altostrata said:

If you are taking 2.5mg, I would reduce to 2mg, continue to track with daily notes and let us know how you're doing.

 

Alto mentioned reducing the AD to 2 mg. Did you make this reduction? Your last notes were from 2 days ago. Please continue posting them so we can see how this change is affecting you.

 

But again, the benzo dose needs to be consistent. 

 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Shep
fixed typo

[Daisygirlsk]

Hello

I posted notes up to and including yesterday. I was prescribed ativan to take as needed I had no idea it had to be consistent. I lowered citalopram to 1.75mg but it didnt help much. I just want off it

[Daisygirlsk]

I took 1.75mg citalopram. My whole body is vibrating. Should I stop this?

[Daisygirlsk]

5am woke up to teach online. Barely slept. 

7am took 3.75mg zopiclone. Slept until noon

12pm - laid in bed. Felt fairly relaxed and ok

1pm - took 1.75mg citalipram.

All afternoon vibrating getting worse and worse.