DeterminedAnna: long time Seroxat / Paxil / paroxetine user

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

Hi Anna,

I found that distraction really helped me when I was feeling bad. Keeping my mind occupied was so important. I don’t think it matters too much what you do as long as you do something! I play the piano, so I forced myself to play for 2-3 hours a day. I also started doing sudoku for a number of hours each day - I had never played it before. It doesn’t achieve anything in the outside world, but it does, in my experience, reduce the relentless focus on the self.

Warmest wishes,

R

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

Just the thought of doing sudoku on a good day make anxious! If you can manage to do that while feeling AD withdrawals, you’re superhuman.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

OK,OK. I just made the mistake of drinking chai latte capsules thinking that they were caffeine free (for some reason) and I got one hell of a jolt after a couple weeks. It must’ve built up in my system and then BOOM, came the anxiety again. Fortunately it took just a week for everything to simmer down again. I was scared to death it was some weird Zoloft withdrawal, poopout, whatever.

I hope you enjoyed your Pepsi 🙂

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

On 4/30/2019 at 10:23 AM, DeterminedAnna said:

There's every chance pollen is playing a role with your eyes. I would not take any pharma medications for it. Those would likely be antihistamines and as Paxil/Seroxat/paroxetine is an antihistamine and withdrawal from it is likely affecting our histamine systems, taking an antihistamine could upset the balance.

Case in point, as you can see I took diphenhydramine a few weeks back to help me sleep and within a few days the sedating effect stopped working, and soon after I got what felt like a bad cold and depression symptoms. But my partner didn't get a cold even though I

According to wiki diphenhydramine is also an SSRI.

On 5/5/2019 at 12:09 PM, DeterminedAnna said:

Other than those cycles, everything else fluctuates from bad to worse, with random crying spells. Feelings of dread, despair and hopelessness are constant. I am exhausted, but my mind is racing and ruminating.

I cannot stop thinking about Seroxat withdrawal. I keep reading online about it.

Anna, I can relate to so much of what you say. The constant, torturous rumination (that nothing seems to console), the dread, the previous bouts of akathisia. I have moments throughout the day, mostly between intense bouts of dissociation (which I've come to wonder is my brains primitive defence mechanism) where I still can't believe this is really happening. It is happening though. To you and me a probably to hundreds of thousands of others and we aren't alone. You aren't alone.

Dealing with Doctors is beyond what I'm emotionally capable of right now, but it sounds like you were amazing. You articulated, argued and I have no doubt that you at least got your point across. I'd agree with you our NHS is wonderful, unfortunately its current guidance on antidepressant withdrawal is plain wrong and Drs are rather tied by guidelines. Its beyond absurd, we are very ill people who are suffering unimaginably, we shouldn't have to face medical disbelief ontop of that.

The guidelines are supposed to be changing though, new ones are meant to be out this year (I've heard July, but want to be careful about giving out false hope). More genuine research is being done on withdrawal and the tone of discourse around withdrawal does seem to be gradually changing. At least as far as things in the UK are concerned, if one is to believe the media. Hopefully this will harbinge more acknowledgement and support, what ever that might practically mean.

Until then please stay strong. Each day as it comes.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

Anna, when did the itching start? Is it worse at any particular time of day?

Since you're so carefully titrating and have split the dose, somewhat of an experiment, please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms. You can post them in this topic with a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom, drug and dosage) on the right.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

4 hours ago, RichT said:

Hi Anna,

I found that distraction really helped me when I was feeling bad. Keeping my mind occupied was so important. I don’t think it matters too much what you do as long as you do something! I play the piano, so I forced myself to play for 2-3 hours a day. I also started doing sudoku for a number of hours each day - I had never played it before. It doesn’t achieve anything in the outside world, but it does, in my experience, reduce the relentless focus on the self.

Warmest wishes,

R

Hey RichT,

Yes, I really really need more distractions. I have two jobs, the second one is part-time tutoring children in maths and English and is a wonderful distraction.

The main job – and main source of income – is self-employed copywriting and journalism (I work from home). But unfortunately, I'm struggling with the cognitive and creative parts of it because my brain has taken a hammering in past months. And consequently I can stare at the screen for ages trying to write something, and my mind reverts back to the same old miserable thoughts and ruminations. And then I have less time to complete my work, so I get anxious... and the cycle repeats. I can write loads here as you can see!

If I could afford it, I would drop the self-employed work and only do the part-time tutoring job, filling the rest of my time with distractions.

I got the part-time job around the same time I went self-employed to get out the house throughout the week. But the part-time tutoring fast overtook my self-employed work in terms of job satisfaction. So on top of everything else, I've realised that I've probably been in the wrong career all my life (I'll be 40 this year). Or maybe I've lost the love for writing because I've lost the love for so much in the past months, as part of that anhedonia and apathy that withdrawal has bought on.

The tutoring work is mentally quite easy, but as it involves close discussion with children I cannot be in myself at all. The best distractions would be things that aren't too mentally challenging, but enough to switch my mind off. Sudoku is indeed good in this respect.

I play the piano too! I have a Clarinova in my tiny spare bedroom. There isn't much room for anything else, except a clothes dryer which often falls on me if I get too animated. Last time I played was about a month ago. I had the urge to play Bridge Over Troubled Water but I don't have the music so did it by ear to Simon & Garfunkel. And promptly started bawling. And got hit by the clothes dryer. So stopped and haven't been back in there since.

Maybe scales and arpeggios would be good.

What music do you play? How do you fill all those hours at the piano? Do you compose?

I tried to find your intro thread to no avail. What's your story? How are you doing?

Thank you for popping in and your encouragement.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

4 hours ago, Oliver1974 said:

OK,OK. I just made the mistake of drinking chai latte capsules thinking that they were caffeine free (for some reason) and I got one hell of a jolt after a couple weeks. It must’ve built up in my system and then BOOM, came the anxiety again. Fortunately it took just a week for everything to simmer down again. I was scared to death it was some weird Zoloft withdrawal, poopout, whatever.

I hope you enjoyed your Pepsi 🙂

I did enjoy the Pepsi!

I've never been particularly affected by caffeine, so perhaps that's why. But as a precaution I'm not having caffeine at all really (maybe twice a month), so please be assured your wise words will be heeded.

You'll need to check labels with a fine-tooth comb in the future to make sure you don't get caught by caffeine again. Lesson learned. 😊

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

Hi Anna,

I do compose, but I couldn't do that when I was feeling bad. Similar to you and writing I suspect!

I found the best thing was to read music. It was hard to do, but it forced my mind to focus on the score. If you read music, I'd recommend that. If not, just playing is also very good. Try to learn something new!

R

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Anna, when did the itching start? Is it worse at any particular time of day?

Since you're so carefully titrating and have split the dose, somewhat of an experiment, please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms. You can post them in this topic with a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom, drug and dosage) on the right.

Hi Alto, I've ALWAYS itched while taking Seroxat. In the first couple of years of taking it, I had a rash all over my body and my doctor dismissed it as being related to Seroxat, prescribing me hydrocortisone cream which made no difference so I threw it away. The rash faded after a few years.

The itching has become more intense in the past five months. The rash on my neck first emerged last November, when I was down to 6.6mg daily. Scratching is one of the few things I find really pleasurable – it calms me down.

I'm keeping detailed notes as you described. I'll update my thread in a few weeks when I've built up some records.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

I'm worried you might be allergic to paroxetine, Anna.

I understand why you decided to see if you can get by with Paxil, but my intuition is that a switch to Prozac might be best, because of the itching and because some people cannot get off that last bit of paroxetine and need to do the bridge.

Posted May 15, 2019 · May 15, 2019

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

I'm worried you might be allergic to paroxetine, Anna.

I understand why you decided to see if you can get by with Paxil, but my intuition is that a switch to Prozac might be best, because of the itching and because some people cannot get off that last bit of paroxetine and need to do the bridge.

Hi Alto,

I've wondered about being allergic to paroxetine for ages, although I did panic and catastrophise when I saw that line.

I've taken Seroxat for 17 years so is it possible I've been allergic all that time? Could the antihistamine action of paroxetine masked such an allergy? And does masking an allergy in this way, for such a long time, cause permanent damage? Any thoughts on why the rash and itch would worsen as I reduce my dose?

I thought Prozac was a no-go because of my liver. And that's why citalopram became an option.

Either way I am confused, and terrified of switching as it's no guarantee, especially as I'm in withdrawal.

It's the depression / anxiety symptoms that are most unbearable and debilitating for me, which is why I've never made a big deal about my itchiness on this site – I'd accepted it a long time ago..

I thought my 10% updose and splitting my dose might help with the depression and anxiety symptoms. Would it be foolish to see how I go with this for a month and review again? I'm willing to switch but would it be better to do this when I've had a continual block of stability?

I know you can't make decisions for me or anyone on this site.

I really appreciate your advice.

Edited May 15, 2019 by DeterminedAnna
Grammar

Posted May 16, 2019 · May 16, 2019

20 hours ago, VincentV said:

According to wiki diphenhydramine is also an SSRI.

Anna, I can relate to so much of what you say. The constant, torturous rumination (that nothing seems to console), the dread, the previous bouts of akathisia. I have moments throughout the day, mostly between intense bouts of dissociation (which I've come to wonder is my brains primitive defence mechanism) where I still can't believe this is really happening. It is happening though. To you and me a probably to hundreds of thousands of others and we aren't alone. You aren't alone.

Dealing with Doctors is beyond what I'm emotionally capable of right now, but it sounds like you were amazing. You articulated, argued and I have no doubt that you at least got your point across. I'd agree with you our NHS is wonderful, unfortunately its current guidance on antidepressant withdrawal is plain wrong and Drs are rather tied by guidelines. Its beyond absurd, we are very ill people who are suffering unimaginably, we shouldn't have to face medical disbelief ontop of that.

The guidelines are supposed to be changing though, new ones are meant to be out this year (I've heard July, but want to be careful about giving out false hope). More genuine research is being done on withdrawal and the tone of discourse around withdrawal does seem to be gradually changing. At least as far as things in the UK are concerned, if one is to believe the media. Hopefully this will harbinge more acknowledgement and support, what ever that might practically mean.

Until then please stay strong. Each day as it comes.

Hey Vincent,

Thank you so much for your words and encouragement and praise. Knowing other people are going through the same things is upsetting yet comforting.

Don't worry about giving out false hope about the NHS guidelines. I don't have much hope about anything at the moment (but I think hopelessness is a withdrawal thing, not a part of who I am fundamentally).

I read your thread and watched your video. You articulate yourself brilliantly. You've moved home and let out your house. You are amazingly brave to do that. The thought of moving house (my partner desperately wants to) dials my panic up to 11. So give yourself a pat on the back for this HUGE achievement.

Also, on the point of backpatting, definitely do that more often. You've described anhedonia so well and I recognise it myself. One thing to do for that is to keep doing things you once felt pleasurable. Even if they don't cause any positive feelings (which is frustrating and upsetting, I know), they will help reprogramme your brain towards feeling pleasure once again. Almost like a gradual reunion with a long-lost cousin.

Thank you again for saying hello. x

Posted May 16, 2019 · May 16, 2019

On 5/11/2019 at 1:18 PM, thecowisback said:

sorry to hear you're having rows with your family anna. my family have been really unsupportive at times, better at.others. the sentence i used to hear most was 'why don't you just start taking your pills again?'. now i am back on meds i get them asking why they're not working and maybe i should try a different kind. stick to yoir guns. only you know what is right for your body and mind. i'm sure your parents will come round eventually xxxx

Hey TCIB,

Thank you for saying hello. Family stuff can and does compound matters. But I couldn't do it without them either. I ignored their calls and texts for a few days then 'gave in' and called them, telling them I love them. We made up.

I've now decided not to go into massive detail about my situation and just give vague answers to their questions. That way they won't feel helpless and frustrated, which inevitably leads to them making rash, unhelpful, inconsiderate and demoralising remarks. And yes, I have had EXACTLY the lines you've had too.

I wish I did know what was right for my body and mind! If I'd known that 17 years ago I wouldn't have taken Seroxat and wouldn't be in this situation right now! But I say this with a smile – I'm not ruminating about it right now.

You had a window this week – grip onto that tightly and trust this as a big sign that another window is on its way. x

Posted May 16, 2019 · May 16, 2019

On 5/11/2019 at 1:54 PM, miT said:

Don’t worry too much about these ALT levels. Mine have been more than double of your level and actually were the trigger for me to stop taking these drugs about three years ago. Obviously my habbit back then of drinking red wine didn’t help. A year later i was on approximitely your level now. I was elated and the specialist didn’t ring any alarm bells then. I think this could give you some perspective.

Hey miT,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Turns out I have mildly fatty liver. I don't drink alcohol, but I'm overweight so I suspect that plays a role in this. Although it doesn't explain why my levels go up as I've tapered to a lower dose of Seroxat. Probably something I'll never understand.

You certainly gave me some perspective, so I thank you for this. Hope your tapering is going well – I couldn't find your intro thread but from your signature, it looks like you've been going slow and steady. Big well done x

Posted May 16, 2019 · May 16, 2019

thankyou anna 💖

Posted May 16, 2019 · May 16, 2019

Blimey Anna

For someone who was going to go quiet for a while makes me wonder how much noise you can make🤣

First car Lotus Cortina Mk1, fastest Merc E55 AMG V12, license loser.

Sassenach

Posted May 23, 2019 · May 23, 2019

Hi Anna

Hope you are doing well.

LRH was asking about you but not heard from her for a couple of days.

Sassenach

Posted June 3, 2019 · June 3, 2019

Hello @Sassenach

Thank you for your posts and concern. As you know I've been away from this community for a while as I've tried to stop feeding my obsessive thoughts and ruminations about Seroxat withdrawal. This isn't a reflection of this website, because it is fantastic. But Seroxat withdrawal is the first thing that comes into my mind in the morning and it dominates every waking moment. And my sleep, since I'm having nightmares about it. Being away from this site has not made any difference. The thoughts are entrenched in me. It's all I think about. And if I momentarily think about something else, it's there in the background.

In the past few days I have been suicidal and I started researching what would happen if I took an overdose of beta blockers, as in February my GP prescribed me some but I've only taken three 10mg tablets on three separate occasions. I have them in my drawer for emergencies. I can't see a way out of my situation. I desperately want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have visions of taking an overdose and what would happen. Or hanging myself while my partner is at work – I even decided I would leave a note in the letterbox for my partner to not enter the house and instead call the police who could find me. I am strongly resisting these impulses because it would devastate the people who love me, but I need more reasons to live than to prevent heartache in others.

I veer between two extremes: intense, agitated anxiety, and futile, dark depression. To me these two states are the negative inverse of motivated energy and being calm and relaxed.

This is what has been going on since my last post:

As per my signature, on 12 May, I made my second updose in the past six months, taking an extra 10% (0.72mg) in the evening. So I'm now taking 7.72mg Seroxat every day. Plus the same supplements as my signature.

On Wednesday 15 May I noted in my diary that for a few hours around lunchtime I 'felt notably good – positive and rational'. Then by Saturday 18 May, I was back to racing, jittery, panicky thoughts and agitation.

Then on 21/22/23/24/25 May I felt good and normal. It felt like the symptoms of the past six months were never there. I slept for seven hours a night without nightmares or panicky wakeups. I stopped having morning diarrhoea. And this good feeling peaked on Saturday 25 May when, after a 10-hour sleepathon, I did a lot of gardening with my partner. We laughed, and sat in the sunshine (without me feeling over-stimulated by the sun) and I felt calm and rational and motivated. Everything was lighthearted. My partner said I was back to myself.

But on the evening of 26 May the feeling of dark dread and hopelessness took over. There was no circumstantial reason for this. No change in routines, no change in supplements. Nothing.

On 28 May I had my first NHS-run CBT appointment, which I've been waiting for since March. I've had CBT before – although it was when I was on 40mg Seroxat and I believe the numbing effect meant that CBT didn't really scratch the surface. On this latest occasion, the counsellor asked me to give an overview of what had been happening for the past six months with the Seroxat withdrawal. I was in floods of tears and there wasn't much 'counselling'. I understand why this first session was me giving her background. Towards the end of this, she gave me a mood diary to fill in every day before I se her next – she is on holiday now and I won't see her again until 25 June.
Since 26 May, the symptoms have got worse. Poor sleep, morning panic and diarrhoea, despairing depression and no motivation. Alongside this is a lot of agitation where I feel like I want to scream and can't sit still, peaking on Saturday 1 June when I started planning the overdose of beta blockers. I called the local crisis team and they asked to speak to my partner and advised him to take me to A&E. When he got off the phone, my partner talked me out of this saying spending hours waiting for a psychiatrist (or most likely a mental health nurse) in A&E is not going to help.

I am exhausted. I keep hearing the phrases 'I can't go on like this' and 'it's all pointless' in my head. I know they're just thoughts, but they trigger big, tiring bouts of crying.

This morning (3 June) I have taken my cat to the vet for his normal six-month checkup – all very good for a 19-year-old moggy – and got back and started crying, with more suicidal thoughts. I was not apprehensive about taking him. Or no more apprehensive than the usual, constant sense of dread I have about everything.

I have so much around the house to do (freelance work, housework). I feel overwhelmed by it. It feels so pointless, and it won't make a difference to how I feel. Even unloading the dishwasher feels like an enormous mountain climb. Yet, 18 months ago they would be tasks that I wouldn't bat an eyelid to.

I'm aware the updose could have caused the extra agitation. I'm not pacing like extreme akathisia, but if I sit I'm biting my nails, scratching or picking my skin, fidgeting my legs... But then again, when I was at a lower dose of Seroxat in January and February, I had similar symptoms. I feel like I'm stuck between withdrawal and updose effects. And I'm now scared to change anything in my dose, but I also cannot go on like this.

Part of me now wants to go back onto a higher dose of Seroxat and get back into that zombie-like state it puts me in. Feeling comfortably numb would feel better than this.

I've now given up on my plans to start a family. The thought of it terrifies me. And I don't see how I'll get off Seroxat in time.

I would just like to get through a day without thinking about all of this and feeling the awful symptoms. I would like to sleep for more than four hours and not wake up with jittery panic and severe cramps in my arms and neck where I've been clenching my fists and jaw in my sleep. And then I would like such a day to be repeated, and repeated again and again. I feel like if I could have a month of minimal symptoms I could put some distance between me and the traumatic memories of symptoms. Allowing the symptoms to become a fading memory would help me move on. I don't think I have PTSD but I'm sure there are similarities.

I hate feeling like I'm in a quandary. Uncertainty makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I can't go on like this, but I'm scared to do anything about it. This is why falling asleep and never waking up is the most appealing thing to me.

I'm selfish for writing all this 'me me me' post. It's been building up.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you are doing well. I have seen you helping other people on this site and I must say you are so so lovely and supportive.

Posted June 3, 2019 · June 3, 2019

Anna, please see my last pm/messages to you. I am where you are the last week. I couldn't have described it better than you just did, the thoughts inside my worn-out brain. They are dark and insistent. I feel trapped, like you. And did all the plotting and researching of S last Wednesday. My mom was very understanding and helpful. Your partner sounds amazing.

Its the drugs, not us.

More when i can write... Xoxxxxx

Posted June 3, 2019 · June 3, 2019

Hi Anna,

sorry to hear things are so difficult.

I’m not qualified to give you advice about your medicine, but I do know about suicidal ideation from my own experience! I have gone to sleep myself hoping that I would die in the night, and thought about overdosing on drugs. So I understand a little of what you’re experiencing now. Those urges have gone now, and yours will too.

Don’t give up on your long term plans because of this!

I think your your partner was right in this case about going to A&E not being very helpful. It might be worth trying the crisis team again. They may be less busy.

And you’re not in the least selfish for describing how you’re getting on. Keep writing on your thread.

warmest wishes

Rich

Posted June 3, 2019 · June 3, 2019

3 hours ago, DeterminedAnna said:

Hello @Sassenach

Thank you for your posts and concern. As you know I've been away from this community for a while as I've tried to stop feeding my obsessive thoughts and ruminations about Seroxat withdrawal. This isn't a reflection of this website, because it is fantastic. But Seroxat withdrawal is the first thing that comes into my mind in the morning and it dominates every waking moment. And my sleep, since I'm having nightmares about it. Being away from this site has not made any difference. The thoughts are entrenched in me. It's all I think about. And if I momentarily think about something else, it's there in the background.

In the past few days I have been suicidal and I started researching what would happen if I took an overdose of beta blockers, as in February my GP prescribed me some but I've only taken three 10mg tablets on three separate occasions. I have them in my drawer for emergencies. I can't see a way out of my situation. I desperately want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have visions of taking an overdose and what would happen. Or hanging myself while my partner is at work – I even decided I would leave a note in the letterbox for my partner to not enter the house and instead call the police who could find me. I am strongly resisting these impulses because it would devastate the people who love me, but I need more reasons to live than to prevent heartache in others.

I veer between two extremes: intense, agitated anxiety, and futile, dark depression. To me these two states are the negative inverse of motivated energy and being calm and relaxed.

This is what has been going on since my last post:

As per my signature, on 12 May, I made my second updose in the past six months, taking an extra 10% (0.72mg) in the evening. So I'm now taking 7.72mg Seroxat every day. Plus the same supplements as my signature.

On Wednesday 15 May I noted in my diary that for a few hours around lunchtime I 'felt notably good – positive and rational'. Then by Saturday 18 May, I was back to racing, jittery, panicky thoughts and agitation.

Then on 21/22/23/24/25 May I felt good and normal. It felt like the symptoms of the past six months were never there. I slept for seven hours a night without nightmares or panicky wakeups. I stopped having morning diarrhoea. And this good feeling peaked on Saturday 25 May when, after a 10-hour sleepathon, I did a lot of gardening with my partner. We laughed, and sat in the sunshine (without me feeling over-stimulated by the sun) and I felt calm and rational and motivated. Everything was lighthearted. My partner said I was back to myself.

But on the evening of 26 May the feeling of dark dread and hopelessness took over. There was no circumstantial reason for this. No change in routines, no change in supplements. Nothing.

On 28 May I had my first NHS-run CBT appointment, which I've been waiting for since March. I've had CBT before – although it was when I was on 40mg Seroxat and I believe the numbing effect meant that CBT didn't really scratch the surface. On this latest occasion, the counsellor asked me to give an overview of what had been happening for the past six months with the Seroxat withdrawal. I was in floods of tears and there wasn't much 'counselling'. I understand why this first session was me giving her background. Towards the end of this, she gave me a mood diary to fill in every day before I se her next – she is on holiday now and I won't see her again until 25 June.

Since 26 May, the symptoms have got worse. Poor sleep, morning panic and diarrhoea, despairing depression and no motivation. Alongside this is a lot of agitation where I feel like I want to scream and can't sit still, peaking on Saturday 1 June when I started planning the overdose of beta blockers. I called the local crisis team and they asked to speak to my partner and advised him to take me to A&E. When he got off the phone, my partner talked me out of this saying spending hours waiting for a psychiatrist (or most likely a mental health nurse) in A&E is not going to help.

I am exhausted. I keep hearing the phrases 'I can't go on like this' and 'it's all pointless' in my head. I know they're just thoughts, but they trigger big, tiring bouts of crying.

This morning (3 June) I have taken my cat to the vet for his normal six-month checkup – all very good for a 19-year-old moggy – and got back and started crying, with more suicidal thoughts. I was not apprehensive about taking him. Or no more apprehensive than the usual, constant sense of dread I have about everything.

I have so much around the house to do (freelance work, housework). I feel overwhelmed by it. It feels so pointless, and it won't make a difference to how I feel. Even unloading the dishwasher feels like an enormous mountain climb. Yet, 18 months ago they would be tasks that I wouldn't bat an eyelid to.

I'm aware the updose could have caused the extra agitation. I'm not pacing like extreme akathisia, but if I sit I'm biting my nails, scratching or picking my skin, fidgeting my legs... But then again, when I was at a lower dose of Seroxat in January and February, I had similar symptoms. I feel like I'm stuck between withdrawal and updose effects. And I'm now scared to change anything in my dose, but I also cannot go on like this.

Part of me now wants to go back onto a higher dose of Seroxat and get back into that zombie-like state it puts me in. Feeling comfortably numb would feel better than this.

I've now given up on my plans to start a family. The thought of it terrifies me. And I don't see how I'll get off Seroxat in time.

I would just like to get through a day without thinking about all of this and feeling the awful symptoms. I would like to sleep for more than four hours and not wake up with jittery panic and severe cramps in my arms and neck where I've been clenching my fists and jaw in my sleep. And then I would like such a day to be repeated, and repeated again and again. I feel like if I could have a month of minimal symptoms I could put some distance between me and the traumatic memories of symptoms. Allowing the symptoms to become a fading memory would help me move on. I don't think I have PTSD but I'm sure there are similarities.

I hate feeling like I'm in a quandary. Uncertainty makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I can't go on like this, but I'm scared to do anything about it. This is why falling asleep and never waking up is the most appealing thing to me.

I'm selfish for writing all this 'me me me' post. It's been building up.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you are doing well. I have seen you helping other people on this site and I must say you are so so lovely and supportive.

Hello Anna

im glad to hear from you even though your feeling so bad.

anna for the last 2 weeks I have been gradually feeling worse and for no apparent reason.

I also have extreme agitated anxiety and depression very bad. I think it’s all part and parcel of continued wd.

Be very careful about upping your dose more because I’ve read reports on here saying it doesn’t work even people that have upped 50 or 100% so seek advice before doing so. We have to wait for stability.

Each day is a struggle for all of us going through this hell but please keep going and travelling through don’t give up you’re travelling towards stability each day however slow, there will be light st the end of your journey and all of your friends on this site are with you every step of the way.

please keep going get through each day try and accept your symptoms and know

THEY ARE NOT WITH YOU FOREVER .

This is the hardest thing you’ll EVER have to go through but

the rewards are high.

id love to meet up Anna if you are ready?

Posted June 10, 2019 · June 10, 2019

Anna

wondering how you are and letting you know I’m thinking of you x

Posted June 25, 2019 · June 25, 2019

Hello @Longroadhome @Sassenach @RichT and @intothewoods

I'm tagging you because you've been so lovely to me on my thread and I wanted to say hello.

I'm not in a good place again. I'm still at 7.72mg Seroxat (7mg at lunchtime, 0.72mg in the evening). I doubt I will ever be able to resume my taper.

Here's a full update since my last post.

On Monday 3 June 2019, I had a crisis again, with intense suicidal thoughts and agitation, and took myself to my GP surgery. After much waiting and crying, I was referred back to the urgent care team and given 7x 1mg of lorazepam, with instructions to take 0.5mg or 1mg up to 3 times a day.

On that day, the urgent care team came to me at the GP and discussed the possibility of me going into hospital.

But in the end I was sent home with the lorazepam and I took about 2mg that evening. I improved within hours.

Bizarrely, the next few days (4/5/6 June) I was really really positive. Motivated, optimistic, full of energy. My sleep felt like it was reset to regular hours. I stopped having dreadful dreams and waking in panic. I could focus, I could concentrate. I was jovial. I stopped thinking about Seroxat withdrawal and my symptoms. It felt again like the symptoms of the past six months were just a bad dream and didn't really happen.

As is the norm for being referred to the urgent care team with a suicidal crisis, they then visited me at home or called me every day throughout these few days. It felt like a silly waste of time, because I felt so good.

But as a result of the urgent care team's involvement, my CBT sessions were cancelled without me being told this was the case). I was due to have a morning phone CBT session on 7 June and I waited in for it all morning, before calling the CBT at lunch to be told that if you are seen by the urgent care team you are considered unstable and not suitable for CBT. What really annoyed me was that I had had a call from the urgent care team the night before (6 June) and they did not explain this or that they had been in touch with the CBT scheme to cancel me. So I was caught between their bad communication. And I'm still upset that I have now been put back on the waiting list for CBT, having been originally referred back in March.

On the day of this CBT mix-up, 7 June, I sent a long complaint email to the urgent care team and the main local NHS complaints email address. In the email I raised the issue of the poor communication between departments as well as wider experiences about my withdrawal from Seroxat and my own theories about my symptoms. It's now being investigated and I'm apparently going to be visited tomorrow (26 June) by the manager of the urgent care team.

By the next day after this cock-up, Saturday 8 June, the positive feelings were starting to wane. And by the following Tuesday (11 June) the really bad feelings started again. It's so distinct. It's like a switch goes on and off.

I also had a phone appointment with another, different, psychiatrist on 10 June. This was separate to the involvement by the urgent care team – it had been arranged previously, back in early May, by my GP. I'd asked for this after my bad experience of the urgent care team's psychiatrist in April.

This latest psychiatrist – I'll call him Dr C – is the second psychiatrist appointment I've had this year (and in fact, prior to this year, the last time I saw a psychiatrist was in 2013). This particular doctor specialises in perinatal psychiatry, so I was referred to him due to my plans for having a family.

During the call with him, he was totally on board with Seroxat withdrawal problems and had been forwarded my complaint email. He said he had worked with Dr Peter Haddad and Dr Joanna Moncrieff who I'd mentioned in my email as a list of doctors who were experienced in antidepressant withdrawal, asking for someone from my care team to consult them (as I appreciated that my past request for a referral to them had been rejected for cost reasons).

The call with Dr C was better than my experience of the last psychiatrist in April. He tried to reassure me that taking Seroxat might not be a massive risk if I was to get pregnant but I maintained to him that I don't want to do that, saying I could not put my newborn baby through any kind of withdrawal from Seroxat. I told him that God knows what it would do to their brain in the long run.

He did not suggest I switched antidepressants, and instead talked theoretically about perhaps resuming my taper in the autumn, so long as I see a solid block of stability. I told him I need to see someone proactively, not reactively every time I have a crisis. I pointed out that I had asked for this at the beginning of my latest taper in February 2018, when writing to my GP, and had not been offered any regular support. He suggested that I have something called a 'primary care liaison worker' and be supported by the 'planned care and recovery team'.

He mentioned low-dose clonidine or lofexadine or prazosin as a way to ease withdrawal symptoms. Apparently, clonidine and lofexadine can reduce hyper-vigilance (e.g. sensitivity to light and sound and temperature) and prazosin could help stop the nightmares. I'm not sure about this. All medication that affects the brain and nervous system (what medication doesn't?) terrifies me.

He said he'd write to my GP to relay our conversation and his suggestions and copy me in on the email. That was 10 June, and I've still not heard anything.

Now, I'm back in deep dark depression, crying loads, plagued by a sense of everything being pointless and constant thoughts about Seroxat withdrawal and my symptoms. The panic awakenings are back, and they seem to happen immediately after terrible graphic nightmares. The yellow diarrhoea is back, and the itchy rash I've had for at least the past six months is intensifying. It moves from day to day – early this year, it was at the back of my neck, but has moved to the left side of my neck and now is spreading down over my left collarbone. It's dry, scaly but not like eczema or psoriasis. It's no longer on my breasts.

I've now taken all of the 7x 1mg lorazepam tablets, spread over three weeks, as listed below. When I took the first two doses on Monday 3 June, having been extremely agitated and suicidal, the effect was almost miraculous.

I'm not sure what is causing what – whether I'm having withdrawal symptoms, whether I'm having windows or waves, whether the lorazepam of the past few weeks has destabilised me, despite its initial effect. Perhaps I'm having side effects from Seroxat, and where in the past a higher dose might numb me to those side effects, I'm now experiencing them, including suicidal thoughts. I'm terrified to reduce my dose or change my dose, but I'm terrified of staying like this.

Much of the experience I've had with medical professionals – especially the urgent care team – focuses on the way I think, and that they way I think is causing my symptoms. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like the way I think IS a symptom of withdrawal. That my messed up chemistry is causing me to think in a certain way, which then feeds a cycle of feelings and symptoms.

Yesterday (24 June) I felt pangs of heartbreak because after three years I returned my car to the lease company. It sounds ridiculous, but when I got the car in 2016, I was in a much better place – emotionally, professionally and financially. As I stood there signing the paperwork knowing that I'm trading in my lovely powerful car for a smaller, lower-power car I couldn't focus on the money I would be saving by downgrading. I just kept going over the period in 2016 when I was optimistic, excited and confident about my future. I'm not materialistic, but saying goodbye to my lovely car felt like I was saying goodbye to a better chapter in my life. I collected my new car this morning and I feel miserable about it. And guilty for feeling miserable about a new car – so many people are so much worse off.

I've jumped about chronologically on this update and I don't know what else to say here. I feel marginally better for offloading.

Thank you for reading. I admire and feel so much for everyone who is going through this. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hope you are having a window, or riding the waves as best as you can. x

***Lorazepam usage – June 2019 (last time I took lorazepam was 7mg spread over seven days in late February / early March 2019)***

Not sure if I should add this to my signature as it has been a temporary thing.

3 June 2019 19:05 – 1mg lorazepam (for some reason the GP told me to put it under my tongue and suck it, but it tasted vile so I spat most of it out. I later checked the medication leaflet and it said swallow whole, so decided to take another dose)

3 June 2019 20:00 – 1mg lorazepam (started to feel almost euphorically drunk soon after)

4 June 2019 09:15 - 0.5mg lorazepam (really good day)

4 June 2019 22:35 – 1mg lorazepam (really good day)

6 June 2019 01:00 – 0.5mg lorazepam (really good day)

9 June 2019 07:45 – 0.5mg lorazepam (gave my partner the other half as he was having an anxious day) (started to feel down and that lorazepam wasn't making any difference)

12 June 22:25 – 0.6mg lorazepam (pill cutter went askew) (was really getting back into feeling very low and anxious)

18 June 08:15 – 0.4mg lorazepam (fully back in a bad wave)

22 June 09:10 – 1mg lorazepam (still in the bad wave – had a trip to London for music concert that day and was very anxious about it – fell back asleep soon after taking it)

Posted June 25, 2019 · June 25, 2019

Hi Anna,

Sorry to hear you've been having a difficult time.

I too have experience with the short term benefits of benzos. They do work well for many people, but as you know they charge a high price. I don't know if using them occasionally has contributed to your symptoms now. It can be very hard to disentangle what causes what.

I've learned from people's stories on here, and my own experience, that the most important thing you can do is to give your brain and body stability so that theya can start to adjust to the new levels of medication in your system. Changing dose can make things worse once your system is sensitised, and it will inevitably give you more change to adjust to.

I know it's very hard to let dosages be when you're suffering so intensely, but sadly it seems there is no magic bullet to take these symptoms away. Time, and looking after yourself as best you can, will bring change.

Sorry to hear about your troubles with the NHS and well done for complaining. I hope your CBT is restored soon!

You new psychiatrist does sound better. I can't comment on his suggestions for reducing withdrawal symptoms - others may be able to help.

I think it's naive of the NHS team to suggest your thoughts are causing your symptoms. To me, it seems that withdrawal very often leads to negative thinking, which can of course make things worse. So a feedback loop can easily be set up. But thoughts are not the root cause of withdrawal symptoms.

Warmest wishes

Rich

Edited June 25, 2019 by RichT

Posted June 25, 2019 · June 25, 2019

Hi Anna

so glad to hear from you and sad that you have not experienced any windows only waves.

I think we all feel the same that started this journey round about the same time . This being the massive downs that waves create with very few windows.

yes it’s hard to imagine a stable mind and body but it will happen . It’s all about waiting it out and time. So very hard I know but what other way is there?

The problem with altering medicines is not knowing if they have created the problem

or made it worse. For that reason I would try as best you can to wait it out and take each day a step at a time without thinking to far ahead.

Sounds like you have positive help on hand .

i hope you stay on the site now so that we can all help and support each other going forward I was so worried and thought about you often.

thank you for your update Anna x x

Posted June 25, 2019 · June 25, 2019

On 5/15/2019 at 7:30 PM, Altostrata said:

I'm worried you might be allergic to paroxetine, Anna.

I understand why you decided to see if you can get by with Paxil, but my intuition is that a switch to Prozac might be best, because of the itching and because some people cannot get off that last bit of paroxetine and need to do the bridge.

Hi Anna

Really sorry to hear you are still struggling.

Did you look into Alto's suggestion.

Apologies if you have covered this somewhere other than in your last post.

You should add the Lorazepam to your signature to keep the mods up to date.

You are still only 6 weeks into your updose, I am at 16 weeks and not yet stabilised but I am getting better.

I was always told impatience was a male trait but yourself and one other have made me wonder.

You can still do it but there are no quick fixes, you have friends on here, you have knowledgeable mods, use them.

Stop overthinking and looking back. It is history, the one thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.

Begin again and let us all help each other.

Be strong, stay stong and get there.

All the best

Sass

Posted June 25, 2019 · June 25, 2019

12 hours ago, DeterminedAnna said:

The yellow diarrhoea is back, and the itchy rash I've had for at least the past six months is intensifying. It moves from day to day – early this year, it was at the back of my neck, but has moved to the left side of my neck and now is spreading down over my left collarbone. It's dry, scaly but not like eczema or psoriasis.

Very much concerned about what sounds like an allergic reaction to paroxetine. Did you tell any of your doctors about these symptoms?

If I were you, I'd consider -- with a good supply of diazepam handy -- stopping the paroxetine and consider immediately taking 5mg Prozac or citalopram.

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

Thank you @Altostrata

I have told my doctors about these symptoms, but they don't seem concerned at all. My GP has said the skin issue is stress related or perhaps fungal, and advised me to try anti-fungal cream.

I should elaborate on the rash. And should probably not call it a 'rash'. It's not all over my body – my skin is normal elsewhere. It's currently about a 3-inch square of red scaly, mottled, leathery skin, over my left collar bone and down towards my left breast.

It starts as a patch of very tiny, very itchy blisters. I resist scratching them but probably do so in my sleep. At the start of the cycle, it looks like this:

https://cdn1.medicalnewstoday.com/content/images/articles/322/322435/atopic-eczema.jpg

As the itchiness fades, the blisters then give way to the dry, leathery mottled skin, resembling the foot picture (third image down) here:

https://nationaleczema.org/eczema/types-of-eczema/neurodermatitis/

These patches flare up when I am in a wave. They clear when I'm feeling better. The first patch (similar in size) appeared at the left side of the back of my neck in late December when I crashed. That cleared a month or so later.

The next patch appeared mainly in the left side of my cleavage, in February. It has all gone.

The next patch appeared perhaps a month or two later, on the left side of my neck. That has since gone.

The latest patch started about 10 days ago.

I am not sure if this indicates an allergy to paroxetine as I can't help but think if I was allergic it would be all over my body. And surely if it was an allergy, I would have had a rash the entire time I've been taking Seroxat? I definitely haven't.

Part of me wonders if it's something to do with serotonin as I think it's implicated in itching. I also know that SSRIs are used for neuropathy, so perhaps they do something to the nerves in the skin. And perhaps these patches are the undoing of Seroxat's effects.

I'm very scared of switching drugs as I'm already so unstable. Also, since we last talked about switching to Prozac I've been reflecting on my past medical experiences and believe I took one dose of Prozac in 2000 (before I started Seroxat in 2002) and had an immediate akathisia reaction. I have asked the NHS to review my records from that time. Apparently they weren't recorded electronically then – and I was living in a different county at that time – so it will take some time to find out.

I'm starting to come round to the idea of that the past six months has seen me hit some kind of 'shelf' (see https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/780-☼-lionboy-protracted-withdrawal-from-citalopram/page/6/). The symptoms so distinctly appeared after my miscalculated excess drop at the end of December, and I've never been able to stabilise since then. In six months, I've had no more than two weeks of feeling normal.

Perhaps I am getting the side effects of paroxetine (including suicidal images, an intense desire to sleep, procrastination, depression) without any of the so-called 'beneficial' effects. Perhaps on higher doses of this drug, you are numbed to the side effects.

Perhaps resuming my taper would actually be beneficial.

But then I am terrified of a return of the intense anxiety / akathisia / hypervigilance / insomnia I experienced in January and February.

Right now, my bad symptoms are:

Morning diarrhoea, yellow stools (my stool test in April was all clear)
Morning panic / jitteriness when waking
Racing, jumbled thoughts when waking and often throughout the day
Vivid nightmares immediately before waking – the nightmares are difficult to forget and taint my mood
Arm, neck and jaw cramps when waking – I believe I clench my fists and jaw through my sleep. In my last dental appointment, my dentist said I had signs of teeth grinding. He doesn't know anything about my withdrawal from Seroxat.
Can't stand being touched, especially as I'm waking up
Irregular sleep pattern – on average, most days I sleep from 1am to 9am, but it's only the first five hours of sleep that are 'normal'. The last three hours are very broken and riddled with the above symptoms. Some days I sleep for an hour or so in the afternoon – when I do it's because I get a feeling of quite pleasurable drowsiness and I want to lie quietly and experience the calmness, but when I wake an hour or so later, I go through my waking symptoms and regret my nap.
Suicidal images (not voluntary thoughts) flash in my mind every few hours, with no particular prompt
Random bouts of intense agitation. This is what I had on 3 June when I took myself to my GP for an emergency appointment as I was terrified of the graphic suicidal urges I was having.
Poor concentration – can't maintain clear thoughts, jump about with tasks, often not finishing anything and only half doing several things. Feel useless and disorganised as a result.
Procrastination and indecisiveness – get anxious over making decisions
A powerful desire to sleep and not wake up
Constant sense of futility, that life is pointless
Random, frequent crying spells
Intolerance to even the most minor of stresses – anxiety over / intolerance to things that should be basic tasks (e.g. doing a round of laundry)
Major sense of uncertainty and confusion over my health and what to do about Seroxat – such confusion makes me anxious
Constant, distracting thoughts about Seroxat withdrawal and my symptoms. And if it isn't thoughts about this, it's thoughts about my family dying, about all the tasks I'm not getting done, about how my life is not progressing.
No sense of pleasure or reward from anything – no desire to do anything at all, not even things I previously enjoyed
Random and bad memories flooding back. It feels like I have no good memories. It feels like my whole life has always been terrible.
Zero libido

The above list was present in January and February, but at that time, I was only getting two hours sleep a night back then and the anxiety was so much worse – I think it was akathisia without the movement urges (is that possible – it felt like an inner terror quite beyond regular anxiety?). So the following list represents my improvements since then:

On the whole, I probably get about seven hours sleep in a 24-hour period
My appetite is ok – I don't have the cravings to eat lots of carbs like I get when on a higher dose of Seroxat. (My appetite in January and February was zero, and I lost about 14lbs in a month, which is very welcome).
I can tolerate sound and light a lot more than in January and February. Although if I play any music I loved in the past, it triggers negative memories.
I have had a couple of short periods where I've felt ok. The particularly notable period was 4/5/6/7 June, as described in my previous post (although I think lorazepam played a part in that – and I realise I can't take it long term).

Perhaps I have experienced windows (I'm not sure). When they happen, it's like none of the above symptoms are real. It's like they were a bad dream, and I can't even imagine or relate to them. During my latest period of feeling ok – 4/5/6/7 June – I felt like me again. I felt motivated and wanted to do so many things. I was jovial and fun, and could think about things away from Seroxat withdrawal. My bowel habits were normal. I slept without worrying about morning symptoms. I worked productively. Everything felt brighter and lighter. The difference between that period and now is like a switch is on or off. I'm reluctant to tell any doctor about this because I suspect they'll go log bipolar disorder on my records.

I am so confused about what to do. And I am terrified of doing anything. But terrified of staying this way.

I realise so many kind and wise people say to wait it out, but that takes willpower and inner strength. I feel like those traits have been stripped away from me. My capacity to have a single positive, hopeful – or even just rational – thought is non-existent.

Once again I've written a lot more than I intended to. I'm sorry.

Thank you for reading and any wisdom and experience you could share.

PS. I am now considering an Alpha-Stim device. I have read https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/4829-alpha-stim-fisher-wallace-sota-biotuner-pons-and-similar-devices/ and as it isn't chemicals and comes with a 60-day money back guarantee, I thought it might be worth trying.

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

16 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Anna

Really sorry to hear you are still struggling.

Did you look into Alto's suggestion.

Apologies if you have covered this somewhere other than in your last post.

You should add the Lorazepam to your signature to keep the mods up to date.

You are still only 6 weeks into your updose, I am at 16 weeks and not yet stabilised but I am getting better.

I was always told impatience was a male trait but yourself and one other have made me wonder.

You can still do it but there are no quick fixes, you have friends on here, you have knowledgeable mods, use them.

Stop overthinking and looking back. It is history, the one thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.

Begin again and let us all help each other.

Be strong, stay stong and get there.

All the best

Sass

Hi Sass,

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

I'll add the lorazepam to my signature – you're right.

I haven't considered the point about being six weeks into my updose. I guess I was imagining the 'benefits' to be more prompt and significant. I was hoping to see some degree of stabilisation.

I'd love to stop overthinking but that feels very difficult – it's a withdrawal symptom for me. I find it impossible to just switch it off. Likewise, being strong feels impossible.

I'm not rejecting your advice, but saying that those traits seem to be completely switched off during the bad waves. It's like asking someone who has gone blind, to see.

Through all my life, and through all the struggles I've had – including my life pre-Seroxat – I had an inner strength and resolve. In my teens and early 20s pre-Seroxat, if I hit a bad patch I could put loud, upbeat music on and give myself a good, motivating, talking to. But withdrawal just saps that ability in me. It's literally like that characteristic has disappeared and I'm immune to any attempts to do this.

I feel bad for being a taker, not a giver, to this site and the people on it. I'm sorry if I worried you and LRH. x

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

3 hours ago, DeterminedAnna said:

I realise so many kind and wise people say to wait it out, but that takes willpower and inner strength. I feel like those traits have been stripped away from me. My capacity to have a single positive, hopeful – or even just rational – thought is non-existent

Dear Anna,

Please don't feel like anything has been permanently stripped away, nor that any of us who are at the moment offering kind and wise words haven't been where you are many times. It's blithering horror and you're right: it's impossible to feel anything rational or positive. It's not that you're not trying hard enough. It's that the chemicals are in control at the moment. I had a three-day ordeal over the weekend where I said all the things you're saying and felt. I positively could not stand that I couldn't find a safe space.

Then two things happened: 1. Time passed and 2. Two noble humans reached out in love and said it was going to be ok. One is on this site and has saved my neck many times. The other is my mom, who is still in Effexor WD and about to turn 80. They could have used tough-love techniques and said you know better, you know this will pass, you understand WD inside and out so snap out of it. But they didn't. They've been here and know it's not that simple.

You and I are artists with strong sensitive dimension. We couldn't write like we do and for who we do if we weren't. But that ability and gift to intensely feel the human condition can work against us in WD. When I feel I'm drowning and can't get past the seeming realities like you have now (remember: I felt this way three days ago and will likely again) -- try to just float. I know you've read Claire Weekes' work and she says this all we can do. Float. I often sink but if nothing else, I keep trying to float.

Above all, remember you are loved. You have many lovely comrades on this site and you are a beautiful person with a beautiful mind and spirit. The drugs can't take that away but, in a twist of perhaps exquisite poetic justice, breaking free from them enhances our art. I can't explain it but after every huge wave, creativity expands in technicolor. I've seen it with many others. So we win in the end.

Sending much love your way. Love is stronger than death, and for sure, antidepressants.

Catherine 💜

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

7 hours ago, DeterminedAnna said:

Perhaps I have experienced windows (I'm not sure). When they happen, it's like none of the above symptoms are real. It's like they were a bad dream, and I can't even imagine or relate to them. During my latest period of feeling ok – 4/5/6/7 June – I felt like me again. I felt motivated and wanted to do so many things. I was jovial and fun, and could think about things away from Seroxat withdrawal. My bowel habits were normal. I slept without worrying about morning symptoms. I worked productively. Everything felt brighter and lighter. The difference between that period and now is like a switch is on or off. I'm reluctant to tell any doctor about this because I suspect they'll go log bipolar disorder on my records

Hi Anna

Let's start with the positive.

What you descibe above are windows and certainly how I have experienced them.

There is little point in telling the doctor, we know they do not understand withdrawal.

It is important when dealing with the mods that you keep the info succinct and relevant ( anathema to a journalist I know :rolleyes: ) they are very busy and will ask for additional info if they need it.

6 hours ago, DeterminedAnna said:

Through all my life, and through all the struggles I've had – including my life pre-Seroxat – I had an inner strength and resolve. In my teens and early 20s pre-Seroxat, if I hit a bad patch I could put loud, upbeat music on and give myself a good, motivating, talking to. But withdrawal just saps that ability in me. It's literally like that characteristic has disappeared and I'm immune to any attempts to do this.

It has not disappeared, it is hiding and you/we need to find it.

I know the feeling of being afraid of making decisions but we have to do so to get better.

You have friends on here some artistic, some like me hopelessly practical, but we will make it.

We are here if you want us.

All the best

Sass

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

11 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Anna

Let's start with the positive.

What you descibe above are windows and certainly how I have experienced them.

There is little point in telling the doctor, we know they do not understand withdrawal.

It is important when dealing with the mods that you keep the info succinct and relevant ( anathema to a journalist I know) they are very busy and will ask for additional info if they need it.

It has not disappeared, it is hiding and you/we need to find it.

I know the feeling of being afraid of making decisions but we have to do so to get better.

You have friends on here some artistic, some like me hopelessly practical, but we will make it.

We are here if you want us.

All the best

Sass

I’m laughing 😂 can’t help it

because it’s a typical Sas post !!!

Straight to the point !!!

Hes a good egg x

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

4 minutes ago, Longroadhome said:

Hes a good egg

For sure👍😉

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

@Sassenach, @Longroadhome and @intothewoods

I'm going to be uncharacteristically quick... THANK YOU. YOU HAVE ALL MADE MY DAY.

Yes, you're a bunch of good eggs, you really are. Maybe all of our shells are a bit cracked, but you are the finest, freshest golden-yolked eggs.

🥚🥚🥚

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

16 minutes ago, DeterminedAnna said:

but you are the finest, freshest golden-yolked eggs.

@Sassenach, could you cook up some breakfast for us? I'll wash dishes 🍳😂

Posted June 26, 2019 · June 26, 2019

Hi into the Woods do you like food poisoning hehehe

DeterminedAnna: long time Seroxat / Paxil / paroxetine user

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