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BB1979: finally my introduction after 8 months of reading this site

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BB1979
Posted (edited)

Hi all.  So very sorry for the reason you are here on this site but so thankful this place exists.  This site has literally saved my life. I've been reading for months and only now am I able to type and share the horror in which I have lived.  Again, so sorry you are all here, but it is comforting to not be alone.  Because no one on the outside understands, no matter how hard they try.....  So here's my story.

 

I am a 39 year old mother and wife.  In 1997 I began college at a small all girls school in North Carolina.  I had only ever had one panic attack in my life.  It was in 8th grade when I was at the beach for tennis camp when some guy friends pretended they were going to push me off the top of a lighthouse we were all visiting.   It scared me and I had a full blown panic attack.  I'd always had some anxiety (scared to sleep alone when younger) but nothing extreme.    After that there were no more panic attacks.  I went to college and was having some anxiety not about school or friends.  It was nothing more than feeling anxious after a night out drinking with friends.   I had a couple of friends on antidepressants that told me to tell the doctor about my anxiety and they expressed they had medicine that made their hangovers not bad at all and didn't really affect them otherwise.  I should have stopped going out every weekend.  But I did tell a GP at a physical about my anxiety.   She asked about my past and I told her I had experienced a panic attack (1) and was scared to sleep alone when I was little.  It was then in that short visit from a family doctor I was diagnosed with GAD and given Zoloft.  We can never go back.  As I'm sure most of us would, and never give in to believing the hype.  

 

I took Zoloft on and off for 20 or 21 years?  It was most of the time between 25 and 50mg as I am super sensitive to medicine.  At one point I remember a doctor pushed it up to 100mg and I was nonfunctioning so it was back down.   I went off of it several times only to go back on because I would have panic attacks.  I thought it was my norm and now realize the medicine was giving more anxiety than it was taking.  

 

So jump and now we are here.  I gave birth in June 2015.  I took 25mg of Zoloft my entire pregnancy as I was told it was fine.   Just like I was told it was fine to take it in the first place.   Which I now know was not so.  And every day I pray I have not done brain damage to my child.  Immediately after I gave birth they upped my dose in the hospital back to 50mg.  The weeks that followed I experienced horrible symptoms which I thought were PPD.  Due to events that have taken place in the last year and a half I now know it was nothing more than the toxin Zoloft.

 

I'll try to make this brief:

 

August 2017:  Started getting weird symptoms.  Went to every doctor imaginable and all checked out. Internal shaking, some brain fog, felt like someone was thumping my skin with rubber bands, jerking especially in my mid section.  I was convinced it was the beginning of ALS or Parkinsons.  I also started having these positional blackouts.  I know that's weird but if I sat a certain way I would get chest and neck tightness and my vision would go completely black and then come back.


September 2017:  ER visit as the blackouts got worse.  Spent thousands of dollars on extensive tests for ALS.  Wore heart monitor for over a month.  NO one could give me answers.

 

October and November 2017:  Everything continued to get worse.  I was even at home alone with my daughter and went downstairs one am while she was on her bed wanting me to help her get down and I hit the floor   Completely fainted and woke up in a pool of sweat.

 

December 2017:  My husband travels for a living and was gone for a week.   I was at home alone for a week with our daughter who was sick.  I was in the throws and literally didn't take my Zoloft all week.   I realized I hadn't taken my medicine (50mg) and decided I would take 100mg to catch up.  I now know   Dumb.  I started taking 100mg.  I tried to write Christmas cards and couldn't write.  I was at my wit's end as I could feel myself deteriorating and no one knew why or could help me.  Christmas was terrible as I was having the internal tremor and twitching and jerking.  I was in a fog and everyone thought I was crazy.  I was at my sister-in-laws house with my husband and daughter to do family Christmas there and we stayed all of 30 min.  All I could do was cry and shake.  She gave me a half a Xanax to help but it only made me tired.  I went to a counselor who was so very nice but so very clueless.   She said the shaking was anxiety.  NO ONE would believe it wasn't when I told them I know my body and something isn't right.  She sent me to a NP she said prescribed her medicine and told me I needed to switch my meds.  I went to this NP and she added Buspar to my Zoloft.  I was back days later as I was only worse so she took me off the Zoloft and put me on 10MG of Lexapro.  

 

January 2018:  Back at the neurologist for the jerking and twitching and she said the NP should have never taken me off Zoloft so over 5 days she took me off Lexapro and put me back on Zoloft.  All the time had me taking Xanax because I was so out of sorts.  In the meantime, aside from my physical symptoms my brain was chaos and I was a crying mess.  What happened?  Just months before I was taking my baby to mama and me swim lessons and doing playdates and I have had a complete shutdown!!!

 

February 2018:  Things are horrid.  A neighbor recommended her psychiatrist.  He came highly recommended with tons of awards and accolades.  I saw him Feb 13 and he added Deplin to the mix as he was trying to "boost" my Zoloft.  

 

March 2018: Jerking, having trouble standing, drooling I can't control, brain burning, hands burning for hours after I held my child's cold milk cup, feet burning after I stepped over air vent, skin burning if I stepped outside and the sun hit me, can't write, can't form sentences, telling this "brilliant" psychiatrist everything.  He tells me it's anxiety.

 

April 1:  At an Easter Egg hunt with my child at church and I have to prop up to hold myself up.  My eyes are drooping and dazed.  I can't talk.  We get home that night and I go to stand and fall in the floor staring off into space with no ability to function.  My daughter watching as my nurse mother yells and takes my blood pressure.  My brother has to pick me up and this warrants my first ER visit.  They take my blood pressure and my arm is so tight and stiff they can barely get it.  Teeth clenched and staring into space.  All the while I haven't eaten in days due to lack of appetite.  I would go to the ER 4 times total that week,  NO ONE could tell me what was happening to my body.  Finally my mom called the psychiatrist and he said I was having a bad reaction to the meds and he was gonna do a fast taper.  He was in New York filming a piece for a nationally broadcast show and said either my fam could stay with me or they take me to a psych ward but it wasn't gonna be good and I couldn't take care of my child.  Took me off Deplin and down from 100mg to 0 of Zoloft in 3 days.  Started me on Colonzepam twice a day for the next 6 weeks.  I literally then was living off 2 benzos a day and 3 ensures my mom was forcing in me. I lost close to 30pds. At the end of April pdoc gave me Remeron to help me eat in addition to the benzo.  

 

May 2018:  I had a colonoscopy, and an endoscopy trying to figure out why I had no appetite.  No one could give me a damn answer.  Still losing my mind all the while.  During all this my husband and I have sold our house to move closer to my parents because I can't take care of our child when he's gone.  I put our child in the car and forgot to buckle her.  Same trip we were on the way to the store and I pulled over and shook and cried because I forgot where we were going and could not tap into my brain to remember.  My husband packs up our entire house (I'm normally wanting to this myself or help because I'm specific about things)  I thought I had early onset dementia.  Doctor wanted me to keep taking the Remeron and added Paxil to it.  I took for a few days and he called and said stop the Paxil and switch to Pristiq as he did genetic testing and that was the best.  We got the prescription and I will never forget I looked at my mom in the bathroom and told her I was done.  That I didn't know what was getting ready to happen to my mind or body but that I was not ingesting anything else and she was gonna have to take care of my child.  And I stopped everything at that point.

 

And believe it or not, that's when the real hell started ..... I would have rather collapsed on a daily basis or lost my ability to walk than for my mind and soul to go to a place I call "Beyond Hell".  Because I now know such a place exists.  The horrible homicidal and suicidal thoughts.  I couldn't walk with my child on a pier for fear I'd push her in.  Or cut veggies with a knife for fear I'd cut someone.  I'd wake in the middle of the night hearing gunshots in my head.  Something telling me I don't wanna die but I have to and that my mind will go ahead and break completely and it'll be over. Holding on to the console of my moms car so I wouldn't jump out while my child is in the back watching.  Neck so stiff it pushes my head down and eyes droop and won't move.  The nausea sooooo very bad for months.  It has been a living nightmare with no windows.  Or if they are there they are better than the worst but still not great.  I have horrible neuroemotions and dark depressive moods constantly.  But I read this site and I hold on and I wait.  Because I HAVE to.  And if it weren't for my 3 year old I would have already checked out.  I get up and go everyday.  And try.  But it is so hard and the scariest part to me is due to my longevity of use and the switching so much at the end of me taking meds, and the cold turkeys, I am horrified I am doomed for life.  OR yearsssss of this hell.  This has broken me and I never thought in a million years this would happen.  Or something like this could even happen.  Anyway, now I'm gonna try to start commenting and participating when I can.  Praying to our dear Lord to find meaning for all this.  

 

So to wrap up:  From Dec 2017 to May 2018 (6 months) I was prescribed:

Zoloft

Xanax

Colonzepam

Lexapro

Buspar

Remeron 

Deplin

Paxil

Pristiq

 

After having been on Zoloft over 20 years.

And I was COMPLETELY honest with every medical professional and this is a combination of what they all did KNOWING what I had been on before.  Now how long before I heal?  Or am I just totally screwed.

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
fixed up line endings

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Shep

Hi, BB.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants. 

 

That's quite a list of drugs to have been subjected to, but I'm glad you found this site and have already started reading and learning about these drugs. 

 

I'm a bit confused with where you're at with your drugs. Are you still on some of them or are you completely off now? 

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

  • Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
  • Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
  • Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
  • Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
  • A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
  • This is a direct link to your signature:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

Please continue to use this thread to document your taper and to ask plenty of questions. 

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BB1979

I am currently off everything.  I’ve been off zoloft for 9 months and off everything almost 8 months?   How and where do I list them?

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BB1979

I’ll have to get my calendar to check exact dates and get to a computer because I can’t do from my phone.  

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ChessieCat
Posted (edited)

Welcome to SA from me too,

 

Please keep it simple (NO diagnoses or symptoms please - thank you):

  • details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
  • summary for older than 2 years - just years and drug/s
  •  

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat

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BB1979

Hi @ChessieCat and @Shep,

I just completed my signature with doses, dates and meds.  Let me know if there is anything else I need to do and/or alter in my content.

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from you guys.

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Distraut

Hi BB1979.  What a horrendous story and how brave of you to come off all medication with a young child to take care of.  As the mother of a son (who posts on this site occasionally as Akrontes) who has gone through hell over the past nearly three years after quitting various ADs cold turkey,  but who thankfully is now very near recovery, I so feel for you.

 

I too have had one panic attack in my life when I was 39 and pregnant and was put briefly on an anti-psychotic and a benzo which fortunately I did not take for more than two to three months as my nurse mother was daily begging me to quit.  But even this small experience took me many years to recover from, but recover I did.

 

I am so glad you have found this site which has supported me and given me so much useful information.  Hold fast.  You will get there although the path may be thorny.

 

 

 

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Aquarius

Cant believe how much you have suffered through no fault if your own . So glad you have this site now and the mods to guide you . This is the start of your journey and know that one day you will heal and the support you get on here will carry you through the hard times you have made a massive step and with guidance you will get better . 

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Cheeky

Hey  Awuaris,

just reading your introduction has brought tears to my eyes. There is a lot of similarities in our stories except you off your drugs and I’m still tapering mine.

I think you

have amazing strength to have gone through what you have and your diughter is one lucky girl. 

Hang un there you will recover in time xxx

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BB1979

@Distraut Thank you so very much for your kind words.  I am sorry that you have had to go through this as well.  I like that you said the path may be "thorny".  Yes indeed.  You said you cold turkeyed 3 years ago?  Was there marked improvement after your first year?  I know everyone is different, but just good to hear someone else's story.  God Bless! 

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BB1979

@Aquarius  Thank you so much for your kind words.  It's nice to see encouragement and for someone to remind you that you WILL heal even though it seems like perma-hell.  Hope that you keep healing and everything is nothing but up from here on out for you!

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BB1979

Hey @Cheeky,

I read your intro and I am so sorry what you had to endure after birth with your child due to the meds.  They are horrid.  Some days I feel like a huge failure and that I am missing out on enjoying my little ones best years.  Another thing is I want another child.  It would have to be through IVF and I am 39.  Have the meds damaged me so much or will withdrawal take so long it denies me of expanding our family?  Because I'm knocking on 40.  Will this take years?  Then my child bearing window is gone.  Can I take pregnancy in the midst of withdrawal?  It's so much....  And I pray.  Tons.  Literally clinging to God for life.  

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Cheeky

You are not a failure, you have more strength then most people because your here now and didn't give up.

What we have to go through is complete hell on earth and you have to of gone through it to understand. 

Having another baby will no doubt be hard but I would risk it because you will heal and when you do you don't want to have any regrets. If you have support of your family then I would, but you need to have support.

 

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FarmGirlWorks

@BB1979: Wow. Just read the horror show you've lived through. Unbelievable... but so are far too many stories here. I love the description of "Beyond Hell." You are at the right place and there is a wealth of useful information and encouragement. You will get better and recover. It just takes so much time. But it does get better. I was on Zoloft 75mg for three and then 2 years more (there was a 6 month break and I went into hard WD which I thought was a relapse). Went off cold turkey and now, at 21+ months, finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. You will too.

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Carmie

Hi BB, 

 

Welcome to SA from me too. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, it’s just awful. 

 

We will win this fight though. Time is the healer and we all get there in the end. It would be nice to know when but that’s not possible. Every day our brains are healing a little more though. There’s something positive happening in there all the time, even when we’re feeling terrible. 

 

Wishing you all all the best in your healing journey💚

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BB1979

@FarmGirlWorks Thank you for your kind words.  They do make a horrendous day slightly better.  And for now I'll take it.  So encouraging that you are seeing light.  I am so scared because I was on Zoloft for 20 years its gonna be a long, long time but praying to God not.  What is the saying, Expect the worst and hope for the best? I think that's where I am.  Somedays I get so mad because I just want to be able to enjoy my child.  Ugh.  

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BB1979

@Cheeky  I think you're right.  Praying so hard everyday.  Praying.  And Praying.  

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BB1979

@Carmie   Thank you for the kind words.  How long were you on meds and how long have you been off?  What has your withdrawal been like and if you have been off over a year were there improvements after the 1 year mark?  Thank you for taking time.  It really means so much.  

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Rosetta

Thank you for visiting my thread.  There's not a lot of correlation between time on ADs and healing time.  It's different for everyone.  Some people say it's harder or longer because of this or that or the other, but I've seen people get well more quickly than expected and vice versa.  I'm sorry you aren't enjoying every moment of parenthood that you would like to.  That is a concern of mine, too, as you know.  Hang in there.  

 

You will find that you will be able to take advantage of the Windows.  It's important to avoid placing too many burdens on yourself.  Live a simple life, don't make commitments, and try to focus on the little things.  Being there for your child as much as you can is the top priority.  I feel very bad about the lack of energy to keep the house neat, but that's not what's important.  It's spending the time with the child that matters.  

 

You will learn to compromise and work around the mess.  

 

Use paper plates and cups if you have to, and let a lot of things slide when you must.  

I bought a lot of extra underwear so that laundry that isn't done won't be the difference between going out and not.  

Order on line anything you can instead of trying to go shopping.  

 

Go for a walk in the park no matter what isn't done.  No one there cares if your clothes are fresh.  Getting that sunshine and gentle exercise is really important.  Keep your child in a stroller a long time just so that you can get that walk every day.  You can buy strollers for bigger kids.  

 

Keep your child's hair short if she's a girl.  Do anything you can to make your life easier.  

 

Get Netflix and Amazon Prime.  There are a lot of shows for kids there are educational, and it's OK to let the TV babysit if the shows are good.  Tumbleleaf, Puffin Rock, Sarah and Duck, Peep and the Big Wide World, Curious George, SuperWhy, Leapfrog shows, etc.. Stick with the quiet, calm shows that don't excite the child too much.  If I think of some others, I'll let you know.  

 

I'm sorry you are in this pickle, but you have found a support group here, and you don't have to leave your house to get support.  So important.  Yet, getting out everyday and seeing people in person is important, too.

 

Rosetta

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Rabe

Hi BB....yes...keep it simple and spend the good times you have with your child.  I am so glad you have found SA.  You will find much help, knowledge, and support here.  I am not thinking well today so am going to just say welcome!  Take care!  Will be back!!💜

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Carmie
13 hours ago, BB1979 said:

@Carmie   Thank you for the kind words.  How long were you on meds and how long have you been off?  What has your withdrawal been like and if you have been off over a year were there improvements after the 1 year mark?  Thank you for taking time.  It really means so much.  

 

Hi BB, 

 

I’m still on the meds. I was originally on 300mg of Seroquel, but I’ve gotten down to 7.5mg. It’s taken me many, many years. I don’t remember how many as I didn’t keep records. I found this site this year. 

 

I’ve had pretty bad withdrawals, if I go too quickly I get severe akathisia, so it’s slow and steady. I can only taper by a maximum of 4% to 5% a month, and if I decide to do the brassmonkey slide next it will around another ten years or so before I get off them. I won’t be jumping off until I’m down to 0.0something as my body is so sensitised. I will probably modify my taper as I go along though and change things. I just keep listening to my body. You can’t put a calendar on recovery, you have to go according to how your body is feeling. 

 

Wishing you all the best in your recovery💚

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BB1979

@Rosetta  Thank you so very much for the advice.  I think I am in a little of a window right now.   Praying it lasts forever but knowing it's time is probably short-lived.  It's hard with a little sometimes.  The guilt of not being the best mom added to the other mounds of chaos in your brain make for overload for sure.  Hope that you are having a good day today!  

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BB1979

@Rabe Thanks for stopping by and offering support.  And funny you should mention the not thinking clearly as I think that's the general consensus on this site!  😜  Hope that you are having a good day and recovery is on the upswing for you!

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BB1979

@Carmie  Hope your taper continues to go smoothly.  I'm amazed to read tapering stories and always wonder how much better I would have been if I had slow tapered.  But unfortunately that wasn't the case for me.  The band-aid was ripped off and I'm just gonna have to bulldoze through because I refuse to ever take anymore medicine.  Ever.   Even if a reinstatement would reduce my current symptoms I can never take the chance of going back to the mental torment I was in months ago.   Even if there were a 0.00000000000001% chance that would happen it's still not a chance I would take.  The worst experience ever.  So good for you with the taper.  Envious you did it the correct way and will keep praying for seamless transitions!

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Carmie

Thanks BB, 

 

I can’t say my tapering has been seamless😃, I’ve been through lots of waves over the years. In the past I was also put on and off meds and was cold turkeyed off all sorts of things. I don’t remember everything I was put on. I’m chronically ill as well so it’s a day at a time for me, an hour at a time, and sometimes a minute at a time. There were months I thought I would never be able to leave my bed again.

 

I’m crosstapering back to my original tablets at the moment as they’re more accurate. I’m at the first part of my crosstapering, might start the second phase on Saturday night as I’m spending time with a friend all day Saturday and don’t want my symptoms to ramp up too much before then. 

 

Please continue to use your thread for journaling your journey, sending hugs🤗

 

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BB1979

In a bad wave right now.  Ugh.  Wish it would leave.  Nauseated and no appetite.  So tired and ears ringing.  Cloudy brain and burning scalp.  I'm just a week or two before my 10 month mark off Zoloft.  Isn't there a bad 10 month wave?  Did other people get this at 10 months and if so how long did it last?  I know everyone's different but it's good to hear from others.  These setbacks are yuck.  Especially when you thought things were starting to get a littler better.  Frustrated and over it.  

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Tarheel109

My goodness. I’m so sorry reading about your hardships. I’m so sorry that most of the medical community is clueless regarding the dangers of withdrawing from antidepressants. I’m so sorry that you are feeling like you are unable to be there for your child.

 

What you are doing right now is the least selfish thing that you can do for your child. I am in awe of your strength - even when you feel like you have none. Know that we are all here to support you as you make your way through this journey.

 

Best of luck!

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SkyStreamer

Hi @BB1979!

 

You are very courageous to have persevered on this difficult journey! You are also very courageous to have joined this group and shared your story.

 

Among others, one of the things that really stood out to me in your first post wast this part:  "I get up and go everyday.  And try."  Really, that is the only and the best thing that we can all do -- just try everyday.

 

Don't quit. We're all here for each other.  You'll be in my thoughts!!! 

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Rosetta

Please know that you will be glad that you hung on to life for your child.  You will recover from this and will enjoy life again.  There is no timeline that applies to everyone.  You could be well much more quickly than I am.  Nothing about what the doctors did will dictate when you recover.  It's a very mysterious and individual journey.  Keep holding on and trying.  I promise you will be so glad that you did. -- Rosetta

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BB1979

I always read about eating healthy and I have completely cut out gluten, caffeine and alcohol since this started.  But the sugar thing still gets me.  And I know that it exacerbates symptoms, but does it make a wave last longer?  Does it make the healing process slowdown?  Or does it just make you feel worse at the time?

 

Also, @ChessieCat thank you for the link.  I read the entire thing and it makes me more scared from the cold turkey, adverse reactions, switching and the longevity of use.  I can't do this for 5 plus years.  My child will be so much older and I just can't suffer like this her entire childhood.  

 

This is another big thing, my husband and I are headed to consult about IVF.  Friends who have done this have to take tons of supplements and give themselves strong hormone injections.  Is this gonna just do me in?  That and a pregnancy?  I'm 39 so it's now or never.  Withdrawal or no withdrawal.  These drugs cannot ruin my life anymore.  Can I handle all of this as horrible as I feel right now?  I have to.  I just have to.   It's a chance for a sibling for my child and another person in our tribe.  Can.  I .   Do.  This...…….  Has anyone else done this?  Dang I need guidance and reassurance.   I wish this stuff would go away.  It is affecting my entire being and those around me.  It is not only changing the course of my life but the course of my family's lives.   Back against the wall.  Please help.  

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BB1979

Anyone? Especially on the sugar questions?

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Shep

If sugar causes upticks in symptoms, it's best to avoid it. Anything that triggers symptoms can have a domino effect and leave ripples in the waves. They may fade out quickly, or they may cause other problems. We simply don't know. 

 

Many of us experience odd drops in blood sugar throughout the day during withdrawal, so the low-blood sugar diet (also called a hypoglycemia diet) is a good one.

 

Here is some information and dietary tips than may help:

 

Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) diet

 

Suggested meal plan - hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) diet

 

Those tons of other articles and information out there you can find by googling. 

 

Eating foods high in protein and low in sugar throughout the day can be very helpful. 

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BB1979

@Shep  thank you so very much.  

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Rosetta

BB,

 

I'm so very sorry you are feeling so bad right now.  I wish someone who understands what you are going through the way that I do could be there for you in person.

 

No one knows for sure about the interaction with WD, but cutting out sugar or lessening the amount is good for everyone.  Some members on SA swear that helped them.  It's very hard to do.  I haven't been able to do it, and I'm healing anyway.  I think you have to do what you can and accept that you can't do other things.  Definitely no alcohol, and very little caffeine.  I use organic everything I can.  (I'm more concerned about non-organic bread because of glyphosate than I am about gluten.)

 

BB, you need to understand something -- you are not likely to feel as bad as you do right now for 5 years.  I quit Zoloft 2 years ago this month.  I was in WD before that (since my daughter's birth) but I had no idea until about August of 2017 what was happening to me.  Spring of 2015 was the last time I was able to go on vacation.  The doctors kept increasing my sertraline dose.  The CT in Feb of 2017 when my daughter was 5 put me into a very severely destabilized state, but now I'm much more functional.  Even 6 months ago I was doing a lot for my child that I had been afraid I wouldn't do for years.  

 

When people say it took 3 years or whatever to get well they mean to feel that WD doesn't limit them at all.  It's a very subjective feeling.  You are going to be operating at a very reasonable level much sooner than that.  I know you have been through Hell.  I'm sure it's been about 13 months of worsening symptoms for you.  It seems interminable, and you are still coming to terms with how much this is affecting your life.  You have a pseudo brain injury.  One that can be healed by your body, but it's still affecting you like a physical injury to your brain.  The symptoms of TBI and stroke are very similar and sometimes identical to the symptoms of AD WD.

 

Please remember that you are about 8 months into this process after the CT, and that is a very, very hard time to experience, but you are also 8 months closer to being done with the repair of your brain.   You have a bright future.  I personally believe very strongly that many of the people who are very destabilized for many, many years after a CT suffered re-injuries that increased the level of destabilization.  They tried a new drug, had a failed reinstatement, had surgery, drank alcohol or tried ECT or maybe even CBD or marijuana.  Any of those things can increase the destabilization.  Even the adrenaline based numbing agent at the dentist can increase destabilization.  My hormones seem to destabilize me.  I feel worse during ovulation and worse at menses.  It's very much like PMS or PPMD.  In light of that I would be very concerned about IVF.

 

Right now you have a child who needs you.  She's someone who will be with you for the rest of your life and you want this formative time to be as good as it can be.  She doesn't need a sibling as much as she needs you.  You don't need another child as much as you need to feel you did right by the one you have.  Please think carefully before risking further destabilization and a longer recovery time in order to try to have the perfect vision of the family you wanted to have.  Think about what's best right now for the child you have.  

 

Having an only child can be really wonderful.  I am very close with my daughter despite my illness.  I can focus on her in a way parents of more than one can't, and that's a very good thing as I'm not feeling very well a lot of the time.  I was pregnant when she was 2, and I miscarried.  After that I never felt well enough to try again.  The doctors kept raising my dose of sertraline, and I got worse and worse.  I regret that my daughter doesn't have a sibling at times, but I have struggled so to parent her these last 2 years, and I can't I imagine how I would have given her the attention she needs if I had a baby.  I know my relationship with her would be nothing like the way it is if I had had the stress of a baby born when she was 3.  I would not trade what we have together if I could change it.  I realize that I would not know the difference if my pregnancy has succeeded, but I'm certain that I've been a better mother because I had only her.  

 

Rosetta

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SkyStreamer
9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Right now you have a child who needs you.  She's someone who will be with you for the rest of your life and you want this formative time to be as good as it can be.  She doesn't need a sibling as much as she needs you.  You don't need another child as much as you need to feel you did right by the one you have.

 

@BB1979 - I agree with Rosetta. The best thing for your daughter is what is best for you. If having another child right now is not the best thing for you, then it will not be the best thing for your daughter. It will just be your mind lying to you saying that will be best for her. Just my two cents. 

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