Scottly9999 Lexapro nightmare - now almost a dream

[scottly9999]

Hi all

I think it might be time to write my success story.

 

There is my journey from the beginning:

 

I don't believe I've crossed an imaginary line in the sand, and I'm not "recovered" in the COMPLETE sense of the word.

However, I can see SO MUCH CLEARER the progress I've made.
How much my brain has matured in these 5-6 years, while still on the "poison" and the horror of withdrawal.

Overall, I feel SO MUCH STRONGER than I ever have before.
I still am slightly insecure in nature, but no longer putting up a brave face for the sake of it.

 

It is actually very hard to put into words the process of healing and the slow dawning of recovery.

I read a LOT of material... lots of stories on here.
I tried to stay away from many of the poor souls suffering, as I didn't feel I had a lot to contribute to them, as I wasn't successful yet.

For the last 6+ months - maybe more - I've felt that withdrawal hasn't really been a part of my life much now.
My brain has felt free to grow and develop and thrive as nature intended it to... not numbed, and in a cage that SSRI's put it in.

I've never connected with words so much as I do now.
Song lyrics, poetry, writing in general.
I'm noticing art in a different way.
It's not gushing, emotion, but an deeper appreciation for it all.

You cannot describe what withdrawal is like.
Words don't really do it justice.  It's hard to accurately convey the true horror.
It's even harder to convince anybody around you what you are going through - as from the outside it seems ok!
Some people can see you suffering, but can't really understand why.

We appreciate that people experiencing Chemo for example suffer horrible depression, that clears up after the treatment ends (as long as there are no complications).  Yet, when we take something that was supposed to HELP us with depression or anxiety - and we stop it, we are plunged into un-ending hell for months and years.  With no respite or relief.

Everything that anybody on these forums has said about their symptoms, I've pretty much had it.
I'd say almost the worst, was the loss of identity.  I had no sense of grounding within myself, none at all.
I was all wishy washy in my thoughts and moods.
My brain was not functioning properly at all.

 

3 words kept jumping out at me trying to get my attention.  Acceptance, appreciation and gratitude.
I knew I had to understand them, but I couldn't feel it - they were just hollow words.
I was in so much pain, existential pain.  I'd just suffered a huge loss with losing my Mum - which in itself was a complex relationship.
I still hadn't fully gotten over losing my Dad - which was really my Mum and Dad wrapped up in the same person!
That made me an orphan - with no siblings - no cousins - no nephews - no nieces... pretty much nothing.
My Dad's side of the family is UK based, and with minimal to no contact.
And Mum's side here - no idea - mostly none of them had kids... I represent the last of my family tree.
That is a BIG thing to have to tackle, to grasp and grapple with.

Going into full blown withdrawal has brought most of my worst fears right to the surface - no escape, no hiding.
Being adrift, and alone and cut off were my biggest depressors or fears.
It cycled between being crippling depressed or full of fear about my very existence.

Although everybody talks about time is the great healer...
I also think that adapting and gratitude and acceptance play their part too.

 

My wife is a new Christian in the last 4-5 years.
Although I'm not a believer (yet), a LOT of the teachings have so much wisdom there.  I've been to a few church services with her, and a lot of the sermons really resonated with me at the time.
There are elements of Christianity that don't quite site right with me, but about 3/4 of it does.
The kindness, the compassion, the love.

Gratitude can become quite addictive.
You can be grateful for having a warm bed at night.
You can be grateful for lots of things.
Take saying GRACE for example (not that we do at home)
I used to think that was silly - as a kid, thanking God for your meal...
You bought it... you prepared it... what did God have to do with it!??
But it's not that - it's about being grateful for all the elements that come together to enable you to be able to sit down and have that meal AND ENJOY IT.
You have a job?  You have easy access to a supermarket for ANY ingredient for ANY meal you can IMAGINE you want to prepare?
You have a family?  Or loved ones at the table to share that meal with??
The table you're sitting at??
You can goto almost unlimited depths of gratitude.
And the more you do it, the more you "get" it, the deeper it goes, the more it resonates in your soul.
It's the gift that can keep on giving.

 

I've contemplated faith a lot lately.
The paradox of it.  You can't ever really know - for sure... you just can't.  That is how faith works.  It's very powerful.
However, I've had a few events, and subtle things happen to me, and around me - and even through me - to make me seriously question - is there a God?
Is there a greater power??
I don't know... and none of us can really know.
It's about how you can accept that into your psychology of being.  Does it fit?
Does it work for you?
For me - I'm feeling it might be a matter of time before I fully become somebody of faith.
Something seems to be drawing me to be greater, to be better, to be more.

 

I've also started looking at PAIN differently to.
It is unpleasant - it tells us something is wrong, something needs to be fixed, repaired, or changed!
I've *almost* started seeing pain as a GIFT!!!  Without it, I'd not grow or change...
What is the lesson I'm being given?
What is inside the gift of pain for me to learn and prosper?????
It's the opposite of the victim mentality.

These aren't just words for me anymore - they are a FEELING, inside me, that nobody can take away.
I've earned this... it's mine!
It's part of my gift of the suffering from withdrawal.

 

I've also had some HUGE fights with my wife... it's not all roses - my life needs work...
but I'm more prepared for this now, I "get it" more.

I also know that we have TOO MUCH GOOD to give it up - and I'd NEVER find that again with anybody else... Or the chances are slim.

It's also a sign that *I* have to do more, be more, grow more.

It's causing me to WANT MORE from my marriage - not accept mediocre... but MOST IMPORTANTLY to HAVE MY WIFE WITH ME while we BOTH grow.
I can see the points where SHE needs to grow and adapt more too.
We are going to hopefully start marriage counselling shortly - after a huge fight that ended in us talking about divorce!!!
Such was the resentment.
Now - how can I have resentment with all my HAPPY stuff above!?!?!?!
Just how it works.
Pain is telling us something - we need to grow and adapt...
What made us happy and content in the relationship has changed, WE have changed... but we have both been ignoring the call to grow as a couple - into healthy territory.
The kids are older, the parents aren't around any more - that phase where you're not the center of the universe for the people around us... it's a time to re-invent yourselves!
I've talked to my wife about this, and she does agree!!
She's feeling lost too - she doesn't work, due to a lot of reasons... mostly her health, our daughter's challenges - lots of tough things to deal with.
She's been out of the work force for 13 years now, so her confidence has taken a hit.

 

I don't have all the answers... not even close, but I feel I have a MUCH better, deeper, more wiser understanding of life now.
I'm finding I'm having periods of feeling inner peace and calm...
Not "HAPPY" per say - happy is a passing thing..
once that passes, you need to feel PEACE and CALM - in your mind, body and soul.
For everybody that is a personal thing, and one person's peace is another's nightmare!

I'm reconnecting with my friends - developing a community around myself.
BUT I also don't FEAR the aloneness as much as I used to now...
I felt completely ALONE - SAD and HOPELESSLY alone - from any family - alienated from my daughter, my wife... all my friends...
My environment, the universe... the lot.
I had hit rock bottom.
And you know what?
I survived.
JUST - and how... .I don't really know, but eventually I found a way
My brain healed, and my attitude and values started to shift because of it.

I feel like a much more complete person now.

I don't know if I'll still have horrible waves of depression wash over me... but if they do - i'll try and find a way to be grateful for it - as it allows me to enjoy the calm and peace I'm finding - even more.

I do fear that I'm writing this too soon and too early.
But - I think I'm just about there.

It really is just such a slow and gradual thing - you're not fully aware of it... as it is also parts of your brain that seem to deal with self awareness too.

 

I've read a lot.

Articles, a few books.
Things on CBT - I tried making lists and columns, and listing counter arguments etc... but the depression was all encompassing, not just a few specific thoughts that I could grab from my mind, and list... then analyze
there was just SO MUCH - and the more I tried to write it down, the more it drifted away..
Like trying to see a shadow by shining a torch on it!
One book I read was "Happy Never After" by Gill Stark.
I caught an excert of her book in an article on an online news site.  She was a journalist for a boardsheet newspaper here in Melbourne.
I didn't FIND answers, but I DID gain a better perspective, and she goes into all the subtle ways we have anxiety in our lives now.. and that it's pretty normal.. and you can't "fix it", but have to adapt, and live with.
It sort of sucks as we ALL want a "cure", but really - when you stop looking outside yourself to feel better, is when your TRUE growth occurs.
Stop blaming anybody other than you for your issues.

 

I have started another book "Intimacy and solitude" - and even just the title speaks volumes to me - and how I find myself in my life now.
It is very thoughtfully written, and I can tell the more I read it, the more I'll get out of it.
It's a book to savour and take your time with.  The authors words are thick with wisdom you need to process when you read it.

A book that I've read a few times "The way of the peaceful warrior" is a great read... I re-read it recently, but it freaked me out!!!  My FEAR was out of control when I read it - and the triggers in the book... wow...
But all that Socrates wisdom - it's all true.
We keep hearing the same messages, and wisdom, but we choose to ignore it... it sounds OLD and LAME and I can't relate to that...
But we need to keep hearing it, or seeing it to learn the message.
The wisdom doesn't change - we do.

Would I have my withdrawal over again!???  Not on your life!!!!!!
But I'm GRATEFUL to have experienced it.

I also learned something about grief... that I wish I was able to tell Mum and Dad how much I've grown since they passed away...
How much more mature I am now.
How I've grown!
The irony.  I can see all the shades of emotion around this now - not just the sadness.

 

I have so much more to say - but I can't quite get the words...
Am I the person before I took an SSRI???? - and I wasn't even REALLY depressed or anxious to start with....
not in any meaninful way.  And I am NOT putting anybody down with that statement.
Lots of people are here on these forums having suffered terribly for years before trying SSRI's, and maybe had some relief, but then found themselves far worse off.
That isn't my intention..
But in the course of this, it has caused me to address a deep seated fear I've harboured a long time, if I'm honest...
I'm not even CLOSE to being fully over it, but it's not all consuming like it used to be.
I'd say that it's a pretty primal fear most of us have - to belong - to not be cast adrift and alone - like REALLY alone.
My withdrawal dumped me into that feeling - and MADE IT REAL.

We only ever learn to walk alongside the fear, the grief, the sadness.
We don't BEAT it, but we accept it as a small part of us, as a greater whole, and we can become even more and greater again because of it.

This really has been a time of huge awakening for me.
People have noticed it - subtly, the way they talk to me - and react to me.
I'm the source of a lot of goofy amusement in the office - and it's with respect.
The line was crossed a few years ago - and I corrected it.
I don't take myself too seriously with my interaction with people.
I've always been an IT professional, "tinkering with toys and tech", but it's the people that I'm MORE interested in now.
The latest protocol development or iPhone handset doesn't really interest me much now.
I feel like my perspective has moved to a different level now.
I feel like I'm also leaving my midlife crisis - it's taken me THIS LONG to even mention it!  ha ha.

I'm more open with my wife - and she agrees we do need counselling, and she just messaged me this morning, saying how blessed she feels to have me as her husband!!!  Awwwww.

 

I don't know how to finish off here...

I'm happy to answer questions, but I'm not sure how my answers will be much help, as there isn't any "fix" or magical thing - EXCEPT gratitude, acceptance and appreciation.  You have to start small.... you have to start with the pain you're feeling now - and KNOW that there will be a gift.
All of us that have survived - have said the same thing, we're better and stronger for this journey....
It's the pain that makes us, it doesn't DEFINE us - we're not VICTIMS to it.

 

Take care, and best healing to you all.

[Itzakadoozee]

Congratulations on the hard fought victory

[JackieDecides]

51 minutes ago, scottly9999 said:

I don't take myself too seriously with my interaction with people.
I've always been an IT professional, "tinkering with toys and tech", but it's the people that I'm MORE interested in now.

I really like this, thank you for such a positive post. 😍

[Liamb123456]

How long are you off meds did you cold turkey 

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, Liamb123456 said:

How long are you off meds did you cold turkey 

 

If you are viewing site from a phone you can't see the drug signature:

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

[scottly9999]

21 hours ago, Liamb123456 said:

How long are you off meds did you cold turkey 

 

Hi Liamb123456

I never did cold turkey - but in saying that, my final drop from 0.1mg to nothing - was in hindsight too much of a drop.

I had just suffered the loss of my Mother very suddenly too.  So huge emotional upheaval naturally.

Where are you in your journey?

 

 

 

[gigi63]

Hi Scotty. Congratulations on all that you are experiencing and what success!!!!  

 

Scotty, how long has this process taken for you?  How did you heal? The process seems so long and often like there is so little healing. Now I know I have had healing yet waves are relentless and I am 32 months into a crash from a too fast taper.  The healing is so slow.  

 

I read the success stories and just cling to them. 

 

I am so pleased for you!!! Another testimony that healing happens!!!’ 

[scottly9999]

On 1/11/2019 at 10:27 AM, gigi63 said:

Hi Scotty. Congratulations on all that you are experiencing and what success!!!!  

 

Scotty, how long has this process taken for you?  How did you heal? The process seems so long and often like there is so little healing. Now I know I have had healing yet waves are relentless and I am 32 months into a crash from a too fast taper.  The healing is so slow.  

 

I read the success stories and just cling to them. 

 

I am so pleased for you!!! Another testimony that healing happens!!!’ 

Hi Gigi.

My signature has most of my stats and dates etc.

Looking back it's actually hazy in my mind.

But basically I spent a good 3 or so years thinking something is wrong.

Then my actual taper took about 2.5 years.

I jumped off at 0.2mg. That was that smallest amount I could measure.

In hindsight it might have been both too high and with my mother passing away 4 weeks before.... Very difficult.

I'm a good 20+ months since fully stopping.

I can safely say that the real pain AND healing happens after you have stopped fully.

I really didn't see anything even remotely positive for a very long time.

It's true what the others say here about our memories seem so distant and far away.

But very gradually you will have small windows here and there.

Bit by bit we all get there.

It seems we are all on our own timeline though.

 

Most people who recover just leave SA and get on with their lives.

It's actually hard to even relate to how you felt while in withdrawal.  It's so alien and unreal.

 

 

 

 

[gigi63]

Thank you Scottie. I know from all I have read that I must stabilize first before pressing forward. I have read quite a bit about compounded WD as people do not wait to stabilize prior to moving forward. Brassmonkey is one who has written on the need to hold and let the healing happen before moving ahead.  Rhiannon also has a very strong idea about stability prior to moving forward and the issue of compounded WD. I also know of many who reinstated after instability and it took anywhere from 18 mos to two years to stabilize even after reinstatement of up to 50 percent or more of their dose. As I had mentioned earlier, the healing is coming, it is just so very slow.  The current dose I am on is a fraction of the so called therapeutic dose. It has been like a cold turkey and I have all along experienced healing as one who quit cold turkey. As you know , Brassmonkey has talked about this at length also. I just absolutely refuse to traumatize my CNS any further.  When my CNS has stabilized, then I will resume my taper but soooooo slowly.  Thank you for getting back. I pray all God’s best for you and your family. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 1/11/2019 at 5:31 PM, scottly9999 said:

t's actually hard to even relate to how you felt while in withdrawal.  It's so alien and unreal.

 

First: sincere congratulations @scottly9999... this is a fantastic update. I've always read your posts with interest because I related to certain aspects.

 

Second: I relate again to what you have said about not being able to "feel" what you felt in WD to relate it. I had a blessed two-week window and just could not relate at all to the (current) doom and gloom/anxiety WD state. It just disappeared for a little bit and I felt hopeful and the constant spiralling thoughts were just -- poof -- gone. And now I can't take myself back to that state but at least know that it happened and will happen again. Hopefully sooner rather than later 🙂

[GirlfromD]

Congratulations! Well done. Your Success story really touched my heart. The partial recovery stories, such as your's are VERY important too. ❤️😊 Thanks for sharing.

[Altostrata]

Scottly, what symptoms from withdrawal do you still have?

[scottly9999]

On 1/22/2019 at 7:15 AM, Altostrata said:

Scottly, what symptoms from withdrawal do you still have?

really not much to speak of.

MAYBE mood swings from time to time, but very very very minor.

 

My healing REALLY accelerated in the last 6 months - and was faster and faster within that time period.

My mental health feels very solid and secure again - more secure than it has in a long time.

Although my life isn't perfect, I feel more confident to live it now - and have managed to eck out a place inside me that I know almost can't be affected by any external events that happen to me.

The house of cards came tumbling down around me - mostly in withdrawal, but also the lies of wrong belief about happiness and what life is etc...

and from that "clean slate" you can sort of pick and choose the values you want to have again... and start growing.

 

I was always intrigued by people that wrote about finding their identity again - as I felt numbed, but felt I sort of knew who I was still...

in the process of withdrawal, it really sweeps through every aspect of your mind and soul...

maybe a fair dose of midlife crisis too!!!??  Dunno...

It doesn't help that 19 year olds in the department say I'm "awesome" and "cool".... !!!  ha ha.

 

ANYWAY - back on topic....

Nothing physical at all... in fact re-reading my OLDER posts was quite revealing, as I really can't recall it that well... in fact LOTS of memories of the last 6-8 years are sketchy at best.

 

I would say I'm pretty much symptom free - but I could also be in a really long window!

 

Either way - I feel content and at peace again.

[Hopetobefree]

Thanks for sharing your success story Scottly and I'm really happy for you. Today I'm wondering if I'm permanently damaged from the Lexapro (rough day with poor stress tolerance) but reading your story and all that you've been through strengthens my faith that I will be me again. I remember more and more these days who I used to be before this hell started nearly 5 years ago. 

[Altostrata]

Very good to hear, Scottly!

[JackieDecides]

18 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

re-reading my OLDER posts was quite revealing, as I really can't recall it that well... in fact LOTS of memories of the last 6-8 years are sketchy at best.

 

I would SO like to get my memory back. I don't suppose I can hope to remember what happened before but if I could just start remembering what is happening now that would be so convenient! 

 

18 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

My mental health feels very solid and secure again - more secure than it has in a long time.

Although my life isn't perfect, I feel more confident to live it now - and have managed to eck out a place inside me that I know almost can't be affected by any external events that happen to me.

 

this is really great, I'm so happy for you Scottly!!

[wantrelief]

Congratulations, Scottly!  Thank you for writing your story, it gives us all much needed hope.

 

21 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

have managed to eck out a place inside me that I know almost can't be affected by any external events that happen to me.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind elaborating on this?  I am asking because I was originally started on drugs due to my reaction to stressful circumstances. Over the years I have become even less resilient to stress since being on ADs (I probably have not helped matters by going up and down in dose numerous times).  I worry that I have burned out my nervous system which was never great to begin with in terms of handling life stressors.  I am working on developing coping skills to hopefully improve my reaction to stress but am still concerned how I will deal with outside stress during my taper and after I hopefully get off these drugs.  From the above statement it sounds like you feel quite resilient post-AD use and I am wondering what you attribute this to? 

 

Thanks, Scottly.  

 

 

[scottly9999]

1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

Congratulations, Scottly!  Thank you for writing your story, it gives us all much needed hope.

 

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind elaborating on this?  I am asking because I was originally started on drugs due to my reaction to stressful circumstances. Over the years I have become even less resilient to stress since being on ADs (I probably have not helped matters by going up and down in dose numerous times).  I worry that I have burned out my nervous system which was never great to begin with in terms of handling life stressors.  I am working on developing coping skills to hopefully improve my reaction to stress but am still concerned how I will deal with outside stress during my taper and after I hopefully get off these drugs.  From the above statement it sounds like you feel quite resilient post-AD use and I am wondering what you attribute this to? 

 

Thanks, Scottly.  

 

 

Hi Wantrelief...

It's very hard to put into words..

The state that we find ourselves in on SSRI's and in particular in withdrawal is really unlike anything else we have ever experienced.

On the drugs, I lost my subconscious mind - my moral guidance - I felt numbed... not just like a tranquilizer, but more that parts of me just weren't there... but just beneath the surface.

I DID have an extra shot of confidence, but it was all fake - and I was all confused and doped along with it.

 

I lost the ability to think and sit with a thought and decide on what is right for me... just numb.

I lost my inner voice - not narration in my head, but the resonance of thought, the meaning of things, the depth of emotion.

All gone.

And over time, that erodes your self confidence.

So withdrawal - in my experience has been a re-growth - not just of neural pathways and circuits, but of my soul too.

 

I feel more integrated, is the best way I can describe it.

 

I hope that helps.

 

My recovery really accelerated towards the last few months - after 3 years of tapering (in my successful taper)... and 2-3 years of utter confusion as to what is wrong with me... and 2 failed cold turkeys... then the REAL test of being fully off the drug... and my life events at that time.

 

Reading the success stories like I did - I'd scan DAILY for new ones, ANY NEW HOPE!!!!!!!

THey all say the same thing - as me now too - it's just time...............

I found a way to just hold on - through stubbornness or laziness... not sure.

OR I was part of something larger - and was compelled to stay the course.

 

We are all very alone (but not through this site!!!!!!!!) in this pain, as nobody can possibly understand the length of time withdrawal seems to take in some people.

I've heard of people stopping, and 1-2 weeks of withdrawal, and fine!!!

 

Those of us on these forums don't seem to be that lucky.

 

We all seem to have our own time frame of healing.

 

As I've said, I may well be in a long window, and crash into a horrid wave yet.

But I'm taking it as it comes now.

I don't have that inner sense of dread anymore... but a very faint feeling of optimism and hope.

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

Thank you very much for your response, Scottly.  I am so happy for you for where you find yourself now in this journey!

[RusTW]

Great story- You have gained so much.Sorry for the loss of your parents. I'm sure they would be so proud of you.

I plan to write my story and hope to have gained the insights like you have.

Bless you Russ

[India]

On 1/7/2019 at 12:59 AM, scottly9999 said:

You cannot describe what withdrawal is like.
Words don't really do it justice.  It's hard to accurately convey the true horror.
It's even harder to convince anybody around you what you are going through - as from the outside it seems ok!
 Some people can see you suffering, but can't really understand why.

This is it in a nutshell. I'm just met with blank stares. All I can think about is the poor souls that don't make it. But it is true horror. True hell and I have seen some dark things in my life!

[Ryder]

On 1/7/2019 at 11:59 AM, scottly9999 said:

Some people can see you suffering, but can't really understand why.

 

Hi Scottly, I think this is the hardest part for me. When I experience windows and waves and, people, even if you explain its the medications, refuse to accept it can be that causing your drastic change in mood from one day to another etc. For me that causes my aloneness and to feel sad except when I login to Surviving Anti-Depressants to read its ok to feel like this no one can ever understand unless they been through it.

 

Maybe I should be grateful for these people being unable to understand as well. One day I will have to prove them right or wrong.

[TreeElf]

Fantastic! This is what the pain of withdrawal can be used for...to start asking these questions, expanding our idea of who we think we are etc...you're definitely not the first person to have done so on this forum. There is probably nothing much worse than existential pain, but it's a real catalyst for transformation. I can also totally relate to some of the things you describe developing, like that real appreciation for art, music, poetry. The sun is coming out here too and I forgot what it felt like, in fact it's better than ever. Thank you for sharing this, be well x

[scottly9999]

I'm still going... still recovering.

Since my last post my healing is continuing in a positive manner.

I feel more and more like my old self - pre-meds.

It comes and goes a lot, but more like very slight bumps on the road as opposed to total devastation and feeling totally lost like I used to.

 

My awareness is expanding rapidly, and I'm thinking less IN my head - if that makes sense?

The drugs really trap you inside your own mind.

You are essentially cut off from the outside world.  You can SEE it, but you cannot FEEL it, in any meaningful way.

 

My thoughts have more resonance and my feelings are more genuine.

 

I'm feeling much more at ease in my own body, skin and mind again.

 

I do think that TIME is the greatest healer.  We are all on our own schedule - nobody can say what theirs is... it just IS what it is.

The brain and nervous system have to recover, and repair and reset.

 

I wouldn't wish the process on anybody - it is truely horrific and inhuman - to have to experience the horror of never-ending withdrawal - FOR YEARS!!!!

BUT it's giving me a sense of gratitude and compassion that I'd not have otherwise.

 

I'm still going... but I believe I've transitioned into "life" as opposed to the pain of withdrawal now.

 

[wantrelief]

Thank you so much for this meaningful post.  You describe so well what it feels like to be in withdrawal, so trapped inside one's head and feeling cut off from the outside world. It must feel wonderful to be more at ease in your body and mind again.  It is indeed so hard to be going through this for years.  Congratulations on getting through and coming out the other side not only intact but with the newfound gifts of gratitude and compassion.  I hope to be where you are someday.

 

 

[scottly9999]

Just a short update...

I have had a few nasty waves... brought about by my reactions and thoughts to perceived negative things in my life.

I'm more sensitive (in a negative) way than I used to be.

I am chalking it upto "waves" and new life lessons that I'm still to deal with and cope with.

 

I have had less waves, and more windows - the lines blur as you get further along....

Def had some nasty waves though - where the depths of your mind can be just abhorent... and scary.

 

[trenace]

Take it easy man. Don't know exactly what triggered the waves, but if it helps I was always taught to repel evil with that which is better. Bad things are going to happen in life and you've been through worse. So whatever happens remember where you were, where you are now and don't let anything bring you down. Hope you keep improving man. Don't let outside influences trigger you. 

[getofflex]

On 6/11/2019 at 8:39 PM, scottly9999 said:

Just a short update...

I have had a few nasty waves... brought about by my reactions and thoughts to perceived negative things in my life.

I'm more sensitive (in a negative) way than I used to be.

I am chalking it upto "waves" and new life lessons that I'm still to deal with and cope with.

 

I have had less waves, and more windows - the lines blur as you get further along....

Def had some nasty waves though - where the depths of your mind can be just abhorent... and scary.

 

This Lexapro is wicked stuff, it truly is.  I'm working on getting off Lexapro myself.  I had an alcohol problem in my 20's, and it was much easier to quit alcohol than this poison.  I have dark disturbing thoughts at times, so I know what you mean.  I know it's W/D because it is not like me to have such dark thoughts. 

[getofflex]

Scotttly999 you have a gift for writing.  I'm very encouraged and hopeful after reading your post.  I got discouraged at having such a tough time with W/D after dropping my Lexapro dose by such a tiny amount.  I agree about gratitude.  I'm grateful to have been able to get to this low of a dose.  I also feel my emotions coming back.  Not just anger and sadness, but joy too!